Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

DD dad has disowned her - she's 9

(127 Posts)
onemoredayplease Tue 26-Feb-13 09:38:46

Long story but my ex has disowned our dd (aged 9) he literally sat her down and told her he never wanted to see her again. He also told his wife that she can't have any contact with dd. dd loves her
step mum.

Have tried to support her through this but it's very hard. Step mom wants contact so dd has had contact a couple of times in secret. She saw her yesterday and returned with 2 books and a teddie he has thrown all her other toys. She also told me that step mum had told her that her dad says dd doesn't exist and is not part of his life. She has told dd this before and that ex is being horrible to step mum.

Not sure what to do. Can't change ex and have been trying to maintain contact with step mum but dd was very upset yesterday. Talking about contacting her dad to protect step mum. Feel step mum is treating dd as an adult.

HappySunflower Tue 26-Feb-13 09:42:24

Well I'd be thinking twice about contact with Stepmum tbh. Telling your daughter things like that is only likely to exacerbate the feelings of rejection sad

Why has he cut contact?
He sounds a a cruel and heartless human being actually. In the long run, she will probably be better off without him, but for now, she will need help and support to process this loss and deal with her feelings of confusion.

ZZZenAgain Tue 26-Feb-13 09:42:28

what reason has he given for doing this?

lalalonglegs Tue 26-Feb-13 09:42:55

Is there any reason that this has happened? Has he rowed with you and is using your daughter to punish you?

NicknameTaken Tue 26-Feb-13 09:44:56

God, your ex is absolutely evil. What a nasty, nasty man.

I do think it's positive that she has such a good relationship with her stepmother (and well done to you for being supportive of it). Why does she have to see stepmum in secret? Surely that is about protecting stepmum rather than dd, as if your ex has disowned dd, there's not much more he can do to her. Your dd shouldn't have to feel that protecting her stepmother is her responsibility - that's a heavy burden for a 9-year-old.

I'm not sure how to translate any of that into practical advice. Is there a neutral third party that your dd could talk to about all this, so that she can become clear in her own mind what she needs to do in relation to her stepmum? A fuzzy sense of responsibility with no clear idea of what to do about it is a very tough position to be in.

onemoredayplease Tue 26-Feb-13 09:45:08

He's always been selfish but basically he feels dd doesn't share any of his interests and is more interested in step mum. He's always been a bully.

Lueji Tue 26-Feb-13 09:46:56

So sad for your DD.

To be honest, I'd explain to her that he is not worth it.
It's not about her, but him.

I agree that step mum should not be saying all that to your DD. Have a chat with her?

Feeling sorry for step mum too. It sounds like she should be getting rid of twat.

onemoredayplease Tue 26-Feb-13 09:47:23

Step mum says he has threatened to throw her out if she has contact with dd. he checks her mobile bill to see that she hasn't phoned dd. so we have done secret contact.

onemoredayplease Tue 26-Feb-13 09:50:29

Have told step mum to be positive around dd as she has enough to deal with without worrying about step mum. She's in an abusive relationship from what she tells me but seems to be leaning on dd. don't want to stop contact as dd loves her however I'm not sure it's good for dd in the long run.

NicknameTaken Tue 26-Feb-13 09:53:07

I wish I could just tell the stepmum to leave. Why put up with that abuse and control? Anyway, that's not your priority - obviously your dd is. I do think she needs help to work through what she can realistically do about her stepmum, as well as her grief about her father. There is potentially a risk of her grief becoming buried under the need to "rescue", which is not a great template for later relationships.

I'm not saying that to scare you or say that there will be problems down the line. Don't underestimate the power of your compassion for your dd and clarity about what is going on. In a fucked-up situation, a child can still be okay once there is an adult who is on her side, understands what is happening, and helps her make sense of it.

firesidechat Tue 26-Feb-13 09:55:41

Ok, that is terrible thing to happen to your poor daughter. I won't comment on ex because anyone who can do that is beyond help.

Is it really in your daughters best interests to have a secret relationship with her stepmum. I appreciate that the stepmum may want that, but will it be good for your daughter. If I understand your post correctly, she is passing on some very painful info to a child that would be best unsaid. That would worry me more than trying to maintain a relationship in difficult circumstances. The stepmum seems to have a slightly inhealthy need to confide in a little girl. It's not really fair is it?

mummytime Tue 26-Feb-13 09:58:17

I would monitor the step Mums meetings, to make sure they are healthy for a 9 year old. Give the step Mum the phone number of Women's aid etc.

I hope you have let the school know what is going on, you may want to ask them or your GP advice for getting some counselling support for your daughter.

He really is a horrible little man, and you have done so well for getting away from him.

I think it might be worth contacting a counsellor that specialises in working with children to help your DD with this. Can you afford this?

Being rejected by her father is a huge thing and she'll need support in processing this and coming to terms with it. You don't want her thinking it's because there's something wrong with her, as that will have long-term psychological and behavioural effects. My father did something similar to my sister when she was 10/11 and it was not good. (He insisted on continuing contact with me, which was also terrible but in different ways). Some proper support might have been useful in preventing my sister spending her teens and twenties doing risky things and generally sabotaging her life.

You've done well in setting some boundaries with her stepmum and I agree that it's a good idea to continue contact so long as the stepmum can remain within them. She has to deal with (and escape from) her abusive relationship on her own. Your DD can't help her with that.

onemoredayplease Tue 26-Feb-13 10:07:15

I do worry about her. She is a tough little girl but when she lets the front drop she is so hurt. The thought of what this is doing to her is very hard.

FastidiaBlueberry Tue 26-Feb-13 10:09:22

I would consider cutting off all contact with the stepmother.

I feel terribly sorry for her, she's clearly in an abusive relationship with your ex, but your dd is 9 and she's the priority.

If her SM is trapped in an abusive relationship, she is not thinking straight. As you say, she's leaning on your DD who is a child, FGS and not able to cope with the ins and outs of a very abusive adult relationship.

The SM doesn't seem to understand the boundaries between adult and child and I think your DD urgently needs counselling to help her come to terms with her father's emotional abuse. She doesn't need to be treated as a counsellor by an adult.

I'd probably tell her that she needs to go to Women's Aid, she needs to leave the bloke and that she'll be able to re-establish contact once you feel that that's in your DD's best interests IE either when it's no longer secret or when she's left the abuser altogether.

Funny how men are allowed to perpetrate abuse like this with no consequences for them. angry

FastidiaBlueberry Tue 26-Feb-13 10:12:16

Family Lives is an excellent charity who offer counselling for free.

There's a helpline which you could call and explain the situation and they'll be able to tell you if they can help your DD and if not, will be able to direct you to someone who can.

She will be OK. This is a horrible thing to have happened but it may be far better for her than years more of contact with her nasty, abusive father.

It's worth going to the GP to see about some counselling for her, or arranging it privately if you can afford it. You want to help her before any issues arise.

And keep loving and supporting her. That's the most important thing.

In my sister's case (and mine) the problem was exacerbated because our mother is also a total nightmare. You are not and that is crucial.

What a hideous hideous thing to do to a little girl. The only good thing I can think about it is that she is of an age to remember, and later realise, what a total cocklodger her dad was, so no danger of her thinking you 'stopped' her seeing him or similar.
Could she meet Step Mum somewhere neutral, with you there, like a playground on the first Monday of every month or something? Not too frequent, no cloak and dagger messages required, you there to supervise that the conversation is appropriate.
I think a bit of a cooling off period might be good too.

FastidiaBlueberry Tue 26-Feb-13 10:22:17

Oh yes, just want to say, this is a blessing in disguise - if he's not in your DD's life anymore, he can't exert his toxic, abusive presence.

However - and this is long term- pricks like this 2 or 3 years down the line, can decide they do want contact after all.

So then he swans in again, re-establishes a relationship with your DD and then tells her six months down the line, that it's not working out for him, she's not good enough for him to know after all, he made the right decision first time round when he dumped her. Causing unbelievable pain and emotional havoc.

Be aware that he might pull that one. If you have it at the back of your mind that that might be a possibility, you can protect her from the emotional fall-out of that.

Lafaminute Tue 26-Feb-13 10:28:01

He sounds vile OP - I agree with others, in the long run your dd will be better off without him and without being too graphic/grown up your dd is probably old enough to be told this.

Maybe either you and DD could go out with stepmum together - to make sure things stay reasonably positive ?

Or you could go further and say stepmum can't see DD whilst she's still with ex, and encourage her to leave him as she's in an abusive relationship with a twat Tell her she's welcome to see DD once she's left ex ?!

Good luck with it all. My heart goes out to your poor DD. Ex sounds like a complete * !

NicholasTeakozy Tue 26-Feb-13 10:42:14

What a horrible excuse for a human being he sounds. Tbh, your dd will be better off without him. I hope her stepmum stays safe.

firesidechat Tue 26-Feb-13 10:44:27

I've had to come back to this thread because, while I've been doing other things, it keeps playing on my mind. Some threads do that.

The more I've mulled it over the more I think your daughter may need some distance from this horrible situation. She's only 9 and her own father has coldly rejected her. I can only imagine what that must be like for her and she needs alot of tender loving care and stability at the moment. I'm not sure that propping up a needy woman (stepmother) is what she needs right now.

As we all know from forums like this, living with an abusive idiot has consequences and stepmum is experiencing one of those consequences now. She could probably do with some help, but not from a child. She should know that saying some of the things she has said are totally out of order. Her boundaries seem hopelessly blurred.

Reading between the lines, it seems that you are asking if it's ok to stop contact with the stepmum for now. I would say yes. Apologies if I'm reading this wrong.

onemoredayplease Tue 26-Feb-13 10:53:23

Thanks all. I have been thinking it over and I think I will stop dd seeing step mum for a while. It is adding stress to dd. step mum has made her choice to stay with him so she needs to deal with that.

Keep repeating to your DD that her father has something wrong with him which makes him a rotten parent and some people are just LIKE THAT. Because the most important thing for her to be convinced of is that this wretched man's behaviour is his own fault, not hers, and that it's not a matter of her having done anything wrong.

And by all means let the stepmother know that in future, once she herself has binned awful H, then she can see DD again at some point as there is no such thing as too many loving adults in a child's life.

squeakytoy Tue 26-Feb-13 11:21:28

I agree with SGB.

I dont think you should allow the stepmum to see your daughter until the SM has severed her relationship with your ex. It isnt fair on a 9 year old child to be a pawn in the middle of all this.

Corygal Tue 26-Feb-13 11:31:14

I agree too with SBG.

Remember that having no parent is miles better for you than having a bad parent, so deal with this horrible situation by realising it's better for DD in the long run.

What a revolting man, incidentally.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Tue 26-Feb-13 11:40:13

I suspect that this awful man is not actually going to do you all the favour of staying out of DD's life. What he wants is control, and yo-yoing between "disowning" her and playing on your and her emotional heartstrings is a brilliant tool for manipulation.

He isn't gone from her life for good, I don't think. More's the pity.

You and she need to have firm boundaries in place: how much contact, and what kind of things ex can say or do to your DD. And when he oversteps those boundaries, all she can do is remove herself from the situation.

So tough for a 9 year old. She really needs to know that she is a fantastic and lovable person, and that her dad is not very nice to her because he is just like that.

StephaniePowers Tue 26-Feb-13 11:40:20

Oh the poor wee mite sad

I agree that it's a shame for the step mum that she's in such a shitty relationship, but it just might not be the best thing to let your dd be involved in that whole scenario. She needs stability more than ever right at the moment and it sounds quite likely that the drama will be very destabilising if she's involved in any way in the breakdown of the stepmum's life.

Totally agree with what SGB has said. I have just realised after god knows how many years that I have a parent who cannot be a parent and it is really liberating. I wish I had had that mantra drummed into me!!

OxfordBags Tue 26-Feb-13 11:52:58

Agree with SGB, as always. Also, Fastidia made an importnat point about the SM not understanding the correct boundaries between adult and child - she is clearly leaningon her too much and also, she should NOT have told her those more hurtful things that her father sperm donor told the SM. She did not need to hear about him saying she does not exist, etc. SM sounds like she's getting too deep into the drama of it all to identify appropriate emotional boundaries.

My heart goes out to your DD, who I'm sure would be the pride and joy of any normal, decent man. I really do think she will need some counselling, ASAP, as this is something that could adversely affect her whole life. Kids need counselling when a parent dies, and this is on a par with that, IMO.

You sound like a great mum; at least she is lucky enough to have one lovely parent.

OxfordBags Tue 26-Feb-13 11:53:41

Sorry, meant Fireside re:discussing boundaries.

Snuppeline Tue 26-Feb-13 11:53:43

I stronlgy agree with the posters who have said to cut contact with SM until she has freed herself from your X. One poster said the dad would most likely try to get back in your dd'sl life again. I therefore think it will be important to have some official record of this incident and the effect it's having on your dd (e.g. Counselling/GP records) to prevent him legally obtaining contact again. If you have any formal contact arrangements in place you should see how you can go about changing them. That way he won't have the opportunity to threaten legal actions should you refuse contact in a years time. Until your dd is old enough to tell him to piss off herself!

Obviously counselling is a good idea anyway for your dd. And perhaps for you also? You must have been through a 'fun' time with this man. Some support for you will also help you support your dd.

Build your dd up with reinforcing the message that her dad is the one with the problem and let her know that she is worth loving just as she is.

Could you try to get some positive experiences in place for your dd? Can you two go away somewhere for Easter? Do something nice with other positive adults/family? Getting your dd away from the toxic relationships she has had to deal with needs to be a priority going forward I think.

I wish you both all the best.

I agree that some kind of 'evidence' of this abusive behaviour (and it is absolutely emotional abuse of your DD) would be useful so that you can ensure your ex gets no further opportunities should he ever claim to have a change of heart.

ThreeTomatoes Tue 26-Feb-13 13:03:50

sheesh. Forget cutting off stepmum 'for a while', if this was my dd she would not be going near either of them ever again angry. I would be showering my dd with love and hugs and telling her that it's her dad's loss and his rejecting her is nothing to do with her.

fergoose Tue 26-Feb-13 13:38:10

Your poor daughter. I agree with maybe keeping her away from stepmum for a while. She will be a constant reminder to your daughter of her feckless father too.

My daughter has been disowned by her own father too. Utterly heartbreaking and cruel doesn't even cover it. All you can do is support her and love her - I tell mine I love her enough for 2 people - also I agree with other posters, his behaviour is all about him and not about the child.

My daughter is 15 so able to rationalise it all a little better maybe. She does say that her father has huge problems, but at low times blames herself for his rejection. I am scared in 5 or 10 years time the damage he has caused will manifest itself. I hope it doesn't. The only silver lining I can see is that my ex is so damaged and such a controlling, abusive bully maybe he is doing us a favour by keeping away from us. Every day my daughter's pain recedes and now she is quite ambivalent towards her father. She can't be bothered to care about him anymore and kind of wants to forget him and get on with her own happy life.

PirateHat Tue 26-Feb-13 13:38:51

Contact Women's Aid as they do counselling/play therapy for children who are part of abusive relationships. They may also be able to advise you about ways to support her.

BruthasTortoise Tue 26-Feb-13 14:08:21

By all means OP remove your DD from all contact with her SM. On a side note its interesting that if an abused woman is a SM she is apparently not afforded the same level of sympathy on Mumsnet as other women. I've never seen it recommended before that all contact with much loved family members should be cut because a woman is in an abusive relationship.

I don't see that people are recommending that the DD cuts contact because the lady is the step mum, but rather because she has blurred boundaries and is laying a large burden on the shoulders of the child with the things she is saying to her.

onemoredayplease Tue 26-Feb-13 14:14:05

I'm not worrying because she is a step mum I'm worried because contact with her upsets my dd. she has no contact with her dad but through step mum now knows what horrible things he has been saying. I've tried all I can to support step mum. I have even offered her a bed!

The OP needs to put her DD first, ahead of the SM's needs, that's all.

BruthasTortoise Tue 26-Feb-13 14:15:32

So would a conversation with the SM about appropriate topics not be the first step before cutting contact? The fact that the SM is willing to risk her personal safety to maintain a relationship with her SD would lead me to believe they have a bond.

onemoredayplease Tue 26-Feb-13 14:21:02

Have tried talking to stepmom and asking her to keep things positive around dd. she agrees then doesn't stick to it. I would suspect she has no one else to talk to about it- he monitors her friends and free time.

BruthasTortoise Tue 26-Feb-13 14:29:06

Onemoredayplease, I apologise for the tone of my first post. It's a crappy situation, your ex is a first class prick and of course you should do whatever you feel is necessary to protect your child from any further harm'. I just feel a great deal of sympathy for the SM who is obviously trapped with this abusive man and hope that one day she frees herself and is able to have a relationship with you and your daughter. All the best and I hope your wee girl is ok.

If the stepmom can't interact with your DD (who is only 9) within appropriate boundaries, then she shouldn't have contact with her. That's not being unsympathetic to the stepmum's situation; it's just looking after a child.

The OP can't make the stepmum LTB! Only the stepmum can do that.

Good call onemoreday
Taking a break from the whole situation via no contact sounds good to me.
You can always review things after all.
As can she (SM)
Hopefully she may think again about why she is with Ex.
But this is about DD really, and what is in her best interests x

I agree with the suggestion above that you document what has happened now including what the SM has told your DD. It may be useful to have a record in the future if your ex decides he suddenly likes the idea of having a DD again.

He really is an apology for a human being.

Seems like misogyny starts young regarding your Ex's targets sad

Can't believe anyone would say this to their 9 year old daughter.

Apparently she doesn't share his interests shock angry sad

onemoredayplease Tue 26-Feb-13 18:37:25

I have followed my instincts and told step mum that there will be no face to face contact for a while. I have to email her so no response as yet. I've also had a good talk with dd- she is so much better off without him.

Good decision onemore - I hope we've all helped a bit ? Glad you've had a good talk with DD smile

onemoredayplease Wed 27-Feb-13 14:18:06

Yes lots of help thanks. Have heard from step mum today. She says dd was asking questions she felt she had to answer honestly hence dd got a lot of info. Feel a bit guilty now.

You can still be honest while thinking about your audience. A 9 year old does not need a full and frank disclosure of the facts. If the stepmum can't give appropriate answers to questions, you shouldn't feel bad about limiting contact.

NicknameTaken Wed 27-Feb-13 14:24:16

No need to feel guilty. You've done your best to support stepmum and you can't make her choices for her. I admire the relationship between you, stepmum and your DD. It sounds like she wasn't necessarily unloading on dd, just answering her questions, which is positive, but if she cares about dd, she'll understand your need to keep her as far away from a toxic situation as possible.

Hopefully she'll see from your example that life away from this man is better!

Don't feel guilty. I'm sure you're right that elements of what she's said to DD have not been helpful to DD. You have asked her before to be more careful but she carried on over sharing from what you said up-thread ?
Plus you can keep evaluating things depending on circumstances - she can still contact you and DD but a break in meeting up with DD for a while seems quite reasonable to me.

Lueji Wed 27-Feb-13 14:52:42

There's honesty and there's honesty.

I have told DS enough about the causes of me separating from ex, but not too many details, and certainly nothing that could cause DS to feel worse about it.

onemoredayplease Wed 27-Feb-13 15:47:43

Step mum has a way of putting things. I know she and dd love each other and I really don't want to stop that but knowing all the details is wrong. Does she really need to know that her dad is the sort of person who is abusive not just her but also to her step mum?? At 9? Deep down I know I'm right to stop face to face at the minute. Just feel like the bad person- but that is his game. Destroy and hurt as many as possible. Am worn out by it all.

Lueji Wed 27-Feb-13 16:13:24

TBH, knowing that he is abusive to other people (stepmum) should help your DD realise that it's not about her, but him.
Of course it depends on how much detail the stepmum gives.

onemoredayplease Wed 27-Feb-13 17:11:32

Hadn't thought of that. Thank you, you are right it shows its not just her. I just don't want her to have all the detail.

Losingexcessweight Wed 27-Feb-13 17:12:07

This all sounds very odd!

So your ex partner after 9 years, just suddenly doesnt want contact?

No explaination, no nothing?

I dont think your telling the whole truth here, do you have something to do with this by any chance?

Maybe unreasonable people don't need reasons for their behaviour ?

I wouldn't waste my time trying to figure him out tbh !

Losingexcessweight Wed 27-Feb-13 17:20:30

unreasonable people dont just decided after 9 years of contact to stop all contact, throw their toys away, and refuse to speak to them about it.

Theres two sideds to every story. This one has alot missing from it, i bet if he came on here, the op wouldnt be so innocent then.

Ex husbands/partners are always bastards, wont have anything to do with the kids etc..

Yet the mother has never done anything to cause this. hmm

onemoredayplease Wed 27-Feb-13 17:42:34

How dare you!!! This man had told her several times ( the earliest being aged 3) that he didn't really want dd around as she got in the way of his life. If you must know why he has followed it through it is because HE has moved several hours drive away. He has a new job and new home. The home is on a site which is for over 50s so kids can only visit infrequently. She had to call him grandad whilst she was there. Is that enough for you or do you want me to go?

onemoredayplease Wed 27-Feb-13 17:43:10

My crime? I stand up to him and he doesn't like it.

onemoredayplease Wed 27-Feb-13 17:44:28

I am gob smacked at your assumptions!

Losingexcessweight Wed 27-Feb-13 17:57:15

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

pookamoo Wed 27-Feb-13 18:06:02

I can assure you losing that there are retirement communities where visits from people under 50 are restricted.

This is about the OP's family situation, and she has posted in "relationships" not "AIBU".

You live a very sheltered life then, Losingexcessweight. My father lived in an over-50s only complex for several years. It's not that unusual.

onemoredayplease Wed 27-Feb-13 18:14:41

Thanks for support. Despite what has been said I have worked really hard to maintain their relationship. Yes excess I do drive her part way to wherever he is. I have chased him for contact because I know she needs a dad. He has cancelled at the last minute, he had hurled abuse at me at handover and he has frightened my daughter. He really is a reasonable person whilst I'm a witch for trying to support his wife ( who is terrified of him).

NicholasTeakozy Wed 27-Feb-13 18:15:21

You're being ridiculous Losing. Why should the OP drive half way to her ex? As for standing up to him, many women who do this get the shit kicked out of them for it.

As he's moved so far away I'd say it's perfectly probable he abandoned his daughter.

Losingexcessweight Wed 27-Feb-13 18:16:04

The only over 50s complex i know of is like sheltered housing, care homes, warden controlled etc.

I have never known them to be restricting of their own children to visit.

GeekLove Wed 27-Feb-13 18:16:56

Op - it is still half term in some parts of the UK and some people have FAR too much time on their hands.

onemoredayplease Wed 27-Feb-13 18:19:08

He lives in an over 50 park home. Look it up it exists. Again his choice despite being told by his wife that it would make having dd impossible.

Losingexcessweight Wed 27-Feb-13 18:19:31

As he's moved so far away I'd say it's perfectly probable he abandoned his daughter

People have to move to different areas from their families for many different reasons, that doesnt mean they abandoned them.

If the daughters father went to court about travelling, its quite possible that the op would be ordered to do some of it.

onemoredayplease Wed 27-Feb-13 18:23:47

He CHOSE to move there and to an over 50 complex. He had the opportunity to stay local but chose not to. This is irrelevant anyway. He sat daughter down and told her he never wanted to see her again, he told her she is no longer part of his or his families life. Who cares were this man lives.

Losingexcessweight Wed 27-Feb-13 18:23:57

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

usualsuspect Wed 27-Feb-13 18:26:17

What is your problem, Losing?

Leave the poor OP alone.

She came on here for some support, not for you to give her the 3rd degree.

Op I think you did the right thing cutting contact with the SM. Let things calm down and concentrate on your DD.

Betrayedbutsurvived Wed 27-Feb-13 18:29:27

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

onemoredayplease Wed 27-Feb-13 18:30:04

I don't have to justify myself to you. I have given you all you are having. Some people on here have been really helpful and daughter is happy and content.

fergoose Wed 27-Feb-13 18:31:26

I agree ignore the awful comments. You don't have to justify anything onemoreday. My ex inexplicably has done the same - and it is totally his choosing, nothing I have said or done has influenced any of his decisions or actions. You have nothing to explain about his behaviour.

expatinscotland Wed 27-Feb-13 18:32:20

What SGB said. What a vile bastard! I'd give my life to hold my little 9-year-old daughter one last time.

MatureUniStudent Wed 27-Feb-13 18:33:01

OP I would suggest that you ignore Losing, because if you were behaving as Losing has suggested, then your DDs father would be at the Court House quite rightly demanding to see his DD.

I have just asked the two DC here about your Dd, as their father did the very same thing over 3 years ago. It was an appalling thing to do and required counselling from the community based counsellor s. It benefitted me as I got some insight into what it meant to them. Fast forward three years, one DC said that having utterly NO contact with their father is still a huge hole. The other DC said its like an Xbox. You don't need it but damn its good to have.

I would cut step mums contact and concentrate on becoming the strong unit you two need to be.

queenofthepirates Wed 27-Feb-13 18:37:14

How about you OP? This is a huge thing for your DD to deal with but I think you could do with a big hug too to help you with the fallout. How are you feeling about the whole thing?

Yes, ignore Losing the loser, who sounds like one of those arsehole men who have been blocked from seeing their DC for a very good reason.

I agree with whoever said that knowing SP is horrible to her stepmother as well might help DD understand that he's basically a shitbag and his behaviour is not her fault at all.

beatlegirl Wed 27-Feb-13 18:40:29

Losingexcesswweight, don't you need to climb up a bridge in a Batman costume somewhere?

OP, it sounds to me like you're doing brilliantly. It's a very difficult situation and you're doing what's best by your DD. Good for you.

HecateWhoopass Wed 27-Feb-13 18:42:19

Why is it so important to you to find a way to make this her fault, Loser?

This 'man' sat down his nine year old child and told her that he wanted nothing more to do with her. He was disowning her. What kind of bastard does that to his young child?

There is nothing about that choice that he made to do that to his child that makes it the woman's fault. Nothing. No matter how much you would like to find a way to make it so.

Leave her alone.

onemoredayplease Wed 27-Feb-13 18:44:41

I'm ok thanks. I have good friends and a supportive partner. My work have also been great. As long as she's happy I'm happy. Thanks for the comments from the kids. I hadn't really thought about counselling for her but will explore it in view of all your comments.

onemoreday, I'm sorry to say my reading of the situation is that this is more about the stepmum and her abusive relationship with your ex, than about your daughter. She's collateral damage sad

You say they were close. Your ex is jealous, and just as he'll have already cut her off from her friends, he's now cut her off from your DD so she has no focus other than him.

Which means that if the stepmum does leave, your DD is at risk of further heartache as he's likely to try to re-enter her life as someone else to control...

Viviennemary Wed 27-Feb-13 18:49:46

I agree what kind of person could do that to a nine year old child. It is just so horribly cruel and unnecessary. Not sure what I'd do about contact with the stepmother. But I think it would be better your DD didn't see either of them for the time being. And agree she needs some distance from the whole upsetting situation. I don't know why your ex thought it fit to treat his DD like this.

WobblyHalo Wed 27-Feb-13 18:50:13

I've had to de-lurk to show my disgust at Losing's posts. I'm sorry that you were subjected to that Onemore.

Good luck with everything. You sound pretty reasonable and level headed. And your ex sounds like a prize twat.

onemoredayplease Wed 27-Feb-13 18:54:25

Scary thought longtalljosie. It's all about control for ex.

PuddingWhine Wed 27-Feb-13 18:55:33

I agree with SGB. There is somethig wrong with a man who expects a nine year old to share his interests!!!!

The step mother issue too complex, I would shelve that one. Remind your daughter that she is not obbliged to share any man's interests. March to the beat of your own drum daughter, and pick your own interests. Interests are to be enjoyed, not some acting role to earn (or eke out) a bit of love from a parent.

Losingexcessweight Wed 27-Feb-13 19:02:12

Every single mother i know slags off their ex, hes a bastard, hes a twat, he never sees the kids etc etc etc.

And every single person i know that isnt with their child/rens father has gone out of their way to make life difficult for their ex partner, sent abusive texts, spoke to them in nothing but a sarcastic off handed manner.

Messed about with contact arrangements etc.

And then they are the scum of the earth when they drop all contact and refuse to see the child as their ex partner makes life shit.

Its horrible, nobody thinks of the kids.

These bastard ex partners, werent a bastard when you were in a relationship with them or when you were planning children, sharing your bed with them etc.

As soon as you split, hes scum and you try to get everyone to join in on the slanging match whether thats with family, friends or on here.

Every ex partner on here is a bastard, never bothers with the kids etc, and all lone parents make out that their hands are clean and they have bent over backwards for their ex partner.

Theres two sides to every story.

MrsTomHardy Wed 27-Feb-13 19:03:27

Id just like to add that men do just walk away from their xh did. Ds's were 4 and 6 at the time...they r 14 and 16 now!
He didn't even tell them either, left that little job for me to do.....he only lives 12 miles away too!!!!
The woman he got with didn't want him seeing his kids so he stopped, just like that!!!!

Sorry, don't want to feed the troll but had to say something.
I think you've done the right thing OP by the way.

Losingexcessweight Wed 27-Feb-13 19:03:37

I rest my case

HecateWhoopass Wed 27-Feb-13 19:11:26

Really? What's the other side to sitting down with your nine year old child and telling them you don't want anything more to do with them? That you're disowning them. That you no longer want them in your life?

What's the other side of an adult doing that to their own child?

PuddingWhine Wed 27-Feb-13 19:12:23

losingexcessweight your case is 'your side' and is based on what? your personal experience? your situation?

I don't have any desire to call my x a 'bastard'. Other people work that out and that is embarrassing enough.

There aren't always two sides to every story. My x can see the children whenever he likes, despite never paying a bean of maintenance.

usualsuspect Wed 27-Feb-13 19:12:39

Go bang your drum somewhere else,losing

WobblyHalo Wed 27-Feb-13 19:15:58

What do you mean rest your case, Losing?!

I know 2 couples who have spit and has done nothing but think of the children. They get on very well and always have done for the sake of the children. But they are normal, reasonable people.

My best friend's ex is a narcissist. She did not know this when she married him and had a child by the time she figured it out. He is fighting her for custody, yet have only taken their special needs child to one doctor's appointment out of 70 and was half an hour late to boot. Yet he wants custody?! He's doing it purely to win, as by nature that's what narcissists do.

And I know this because he used to be my DH's best friend. I know both sides.

Some people (men and women) are just plain shit. They feel nothing for other poeple or children.

And may I point out what a hypocrite you are Losing, spouting the two sides to every story line, yet you have immediately decided that it was the Op in the wrong?!

PuddingWhine Wed 27-Feb-13 19:16:58

My x didn't behave well when I was with him either. And in fact I've said to other people in rl and on here that I didn't expect an unreasonable man to become reasonable after I left him.

I love the children more than he does. While he's feeliing sorry for himself I'm getting on with it and raising them, and paying for everything because I love them more than I want to win whatever point it is he's making. The point is more important to him. He is really showing me. hmm

don't let your current boyfriend's experiences convince you that there is ALWAYS "two sides to every story" or "six of one and half a dozen of the other". this is what my x and his family believe. And they wil tell that to anybody who will listen. So Don't be a misogynist woman. there is nothing worse.

HecateWhoopass Wed 27-Feb-13 19:17:28

And I fail to see how MrsTom's story is anything other than arsehole man puts current shag ahead of his children. Rest what case exactly? you're keen to make situations women's fault so I assume you think his choice is the fault of the woman who made such a ridiculous demand of him.

Man doesn't give a shiny shit about the children he created and boots them out of his life because he'd rather get laid?

Because if someone said to ME that I had to choose between them and my kids - their (the plank asking me to choose!) feet wouldn't touch the ground, they'd be out of my life so fast.

A woman can come along and demand what she wants. What kind of parent agrees? And who is at fault if they do? THEY are.

OliviaKnowsBestMumsnet (MNHQ) Wed 27-Feb-13 19:20:14

Peace and love all

Bogeyface Wed 27-Feb-13 19:20:59

F4J are busy today arent they?

beatlegirl Wed 27-Feb-13 19:22:13

Losing, it sounds like you've had an ex make things difficult for you. Perhaps you're an innocent party, perhaps you're an abusive wanker. I don't know.

What I do know, however, is that your attitude to women on this thread suggests to me that if you have daughters, they're probably better off without you.

beatlegirl Wed 27-Feb-13 19:23:43

Oh, and I'm not a single mom, I'm happily married to a lovely bloke. No axe to grind.

MrsTomHardy Wed 27-Feb-13 19:25:59

Thanks Hecate smile

I feel there's no point in justifying anything to the troll so I'm not going to bother.

I will now ignore it!!

Howgreenismyvalley Wed 27-Feb-13 19:26:37

You are being vile losing and I suspect that tis is a result of your own baggage. Not everyone on MN thinks thier ex is a bastard; mine is a lovely guy and a great dad, we just weren't good together. Don't dump your own baggage on someone hurt and vulnerable - she came on here for support and advice not trolling

StephaniePowers Wed 27-Feb-13 19:27:15

Actually quite a few men/people ARE shitheads when relationships are beginning and children are being born. It's farking obvious! (Except to the people involved at the time... sad )

ChasedByBees Wed 27-Feb-13 19:30:15

Losing - you seem to be making up an entirely different OP to respond to and you're making yourself sound like an arse. How can there be an other side of the story to:

* someone telling his child they don't want to see them
* the step mother confiding that all her toys have been thrown away and as far as her father is concerned, she no longer exists.

You're defending that? You must be seriously damaged if you think that's defendable.

Sailormercury Wed 27-Feb-13 19:33:40

Projecting much, Losing?

MatureUniStudent Wed 27-Feb-13 19:44:45

As I said before the OP's ex could go to court to ensure his rights to a stable and loving relationship with his DC are not arbitrarily dismissed by the OP. But it is somewhat telling that he has cut all contact, and NOT gone to court to sort this out.

I think children need their mothers and fathers, even less then perfect mothers and fathers but when you are faced with a parent who is steadfast in his refusal to see his DC or engage with her - how on earth can you still turn and blame the other parent?

MatureUniStudent Wed 27-Feb-13 19:45:37

Oh and OP, having read that, in no way do I mean you are a less than perfect mother! Those that do most of the childcare, man or woman, are heroic to me!

I know I shouldn't feed the troll but I strongly disagree with this sweeping generalisation: 'Every single mother i know slags off their ex, hes a bastard, hes a twat, he never sees the kids etc etc etc.'

I have a very good co parenting relationship with my ExH. He left me for the OW 3 years ago and I go out of my my way to ensure he see's them often and I speak well of him to the DCs always.

Maybe as we get along with our ex's and therefore do not start threads in relationships about it, you think every single mother slags off their ex off. But it's not the case, we do exist!

However the relationships topic was a Godsend to me when my marriage collapsed under my old nickname and I do give advice on there still when I have time. I lurk these days but I'm afraid your comments are seriously getting to me now.

You need to stop generalising and projecting.

As for OP I'm so sorry, your poor DD. I agree with counselling suggestions sad

NicholasTeakozy Wed 27-Feb-13 20:27:32

Every single mother i know slags off their ex

My XW, the mother of my children, does not slag me off. Having seen her the other day and shared pints with her and DD2 I know this. The bloke she dumped me for slags me off, but then again she's dumped him too 'cos he's a psychopath. She doesn't slag him off either, despite the fact he regularly beat her up, stole from her, cheated on her and lied to her.

The reason she doesn't is that she's a good person. Just like I am. Just like the OP is. Just like you don't seem like.

pookamoo Wed 27-Feb-13 20:27:56

I have several friends who are single mums. None of them says a bad word about their ex, certainly no more than my happily married friends say about their DHs! In their cases, (teh single mums) their relationships didn't work out. Sad, but nobody especially "at fault". They co-parent their children and work together to help them grow up with stable role models.

So not "all" single mums are bashing their exes, as losing says. Far from it.

I have a feeling that Losing is not looking at a particularly wide sample of society...

OP I think those suggesting counselling definitely have a good point. You might even consider some for yourself, I don't really know how it works tbh, but it might help you with providing support for your DD now and in the future.

ImperialBlether Wed 27-Feb-13 20:28:41

OP, do you think your new partner will be a lifelong relationship? Are you planning to marry? Just thinking that I'd be looking at having her adopted.

pookamoo Wed 27-Feb-13 20:29:27

As Losing would say, "I rest my case" ^^ wink

i.e. the posters above all have perfectly fine relationships with their exes...

Ginebra Wed 27-Feb-13 20:31:39

My x is at fault! but I try to AVOID using language such as 'he is a bastard' etc although I do discuss with my friends that he doesn't contribute financially and other issues that would be on my mind. I'm not comfortable calling him names. His behaviour paints the picture. And, I don't want people judging us or thinking less of the children because their father isn't more involved.

Ooh, I was deleted, that's a cherry popped.

The concept that every woman makes their children avoid contact is as ludicrous as the concept that every man pays more than their csa minimum.

The best parents think of the children like the adults they are supposed to be.

Onemoreday I hope that your dd is ok, counselling seems a really worthwhile idea.

OxfordBags Wed 27-Feb-13 21:12:46

This is for any apologists out there, but particularly Losing:

Adults choose their behaviour. No-one else, adult or child, is responsible for what behaviour they choose or what course of action they decide upon. Whatever they say or do is 100% their responsibility, and, if it has a negative effect, they are 100% to blame.

Whatever a parent does or say to the other parent cannot force them to disown a child, to walk away from them. Nothing that anyone else in the whole wide world can make them do that. Only they CHOOSE to make that decision.

Even if a parent was pushed to the very edge of their limits by another person, to tell a child you are disowning them (and for such trivial reasons such as not sharing his interests - colossal narcissist, much?!) just destroys them and it is an entirely selfish, egotistical, despicable act that naturally disgusts any normal person. Only a deeply disturbed, terrifyingly self-obsessed cunt without an ounce of even the most basic empathy, caring and understanding could choose such behaviour.

Oh, yes, and trying to blame someone for another person's failings instantly makes your participation into any normal, rational, decent discussion null and void, because not only is it plain old nasty and wrong, it is the argument style of a small child and such a person is clearly incapable of conversing about the adult world in any meaningful way.

Lueji Wed 27-Feb-13 21:31:13

Well, sometimes I tell people that ex doesn't contact DS without a warning, like today, when he confirmed he would but he didn't.
Despite emailing me today saying he loves DS so much and wants to take him on holiday.

What has DS (8) done to him since then?
Or even me? (I haven't replied to said emails)

I don't call him names.
I don't need to, because whoever hears about this makes up their own minds.

A decent man who is struggling to retain contact after a difficult breakup will behave himself. He will agree to supervised contact, letter-only contact etc with a view to contact being increased later. He will pay maintenance without either having to be forced into it by the CSA or trying to place restrictions on what it is spent ono. He will remain patient if his XW slags him off, because he will be putting the children's needs first. Most of the men you find whining into their pints about 'bitch won't let me see my kids' have been removed from the family home by the police at least once, refused to agree a contact schedule because it gets in the way of football/shagging/drinking, paid little or no maintenance... etc.

I do not have any kind of couple-relationship with my DS' father. We are friendly co-parents and DS sees his dad at least twice a week. DS' father, despite the fact that he's Not My Partner, dropped everything to look after DS when I had to have hospital treatment recently. Not all men are knobs, just some of them.

Great post "Oxford* - and SGB smile

Sorry your DS has been let down today Lueji sad
Hope things improve for him with his Dad x

Mother2many Thu 28-Feb-13 20:27:13

I didn't read everything. As it bothers me that this child is being told things by her stepmum....and some by you. No matter what kind of a guy he is, you should never involve her like she is an adult. Heck, even an adult would have a hard time hearing some of those things.

Secretly? That's just teaching her to be deceptive.

Everything just seems wrong to me.

If your X is indeed refusing to be part of her life, why subject her to the step mum?? To shove it in her face a part of his life he WANTS...but not her?

Sorry.... DD is not being thought of 1st.

She should be in counselling to talk about things. She should not be told the nasty things her father may have said...

You need to protect her. You need to be the adult here.

She will hurt a long time, and may never quite get over it...but I do not agree with what your doing. SORRY

Domjolly Thu 28-Feb-13 20:50:10

She shouldnt be seeing the step mum in "secrect" you should never encourge chikdren to have secrect relationships its out in the open or not at all

Cut all contact and get ds to a councillor ASAP

Domjolly Thu 28-Feb-13 20:54:35

Well i dont slag off my ex i dont need to my ds(13) has made up his own mind 10 years of nothing from my ex despite his pertenal grandfather seeing him every six weeks tells him all he needs to know

I used to shout and scream at my ex to come and see his child the reason why he stopped told me i was nagging him and he should beable to just drop by as and when he has a spare 20 minutes shock

onemoredayplease Thu 28-Feb-13 21:03:08

Thanks all. We have now cut face to face contact with step mum. They will keep in touch by texts and letters because my daughter loves step mum and needs to know that she hasn't walked out on her. This way I can also monitor what is being said and stop negative comments. Daughter is happy and I feel more in control. I am waiting for a friend to recommend an appropriate counsellor for daughter to talk to although daughter keeps telling me that she will talk to me. Thanks all for giving me your thoughts it has helped me find a way through which I feel comfortable with. Daughter is my priority but sometimes it's hard to see a way through.

NicknameTaken Fri 01-Mar-13 11:20:34

Sounds like a plan, onemore. Daughter is happy and I feel more in control is a good outcome!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now