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open relationship

(102 Posts)
pinkpaws Mon 25-Feb-13 19:53:34

Hi just a thought so much drama we all seem to have about being faithful if we could keep are feeling about loving and spending are life with someone and the need to have sex with someone else apart how much less drama would we all have. let me know if anyone agrees.

BinarySolo Mon 25-Feb-13 19:57:45

Nope. Don't agree. Really don't find it difficult to be faithful to my husband.

HerbyVore Mon 25-Feb-13 19:58:52

Good luck with that, and everything.

smile

CuttedUpPear Mon 25-Feb-13 20:00:27

Good luck with the grammar lessons too.
Your post is almost unintelligible.

whattodoo Mon 25-Feb-13 20:00:55

No, don't agree. Part of my love for DP is that we share a physical relationship with each other and no one else. It is too special to share.

Insecure24 Mon 25-Feb-13 20:10:15

I barely understood your message tbh but in short, no, I don't agree, at all. Why be in a relationship if you're going to shag someone else?

izzyizin Mon 25-Feb-13 20:17:28

If you rephrase your OP so that it makes sense, I may be able to decide whether to agree or disagee with you.

FarBetterNow Mon 25-Feb-13 20:21:09

No, it's not 'just' sex though, is it?
It's being intimate, having fun, laughing and enjoying foreplay together, intercourse, and then lying in each others' arms in an afterglow.
Unless you are talking about a quicky with some one you met 10 mins ago and you'll never see them again.

ItsAFuckingVase Mon 25-Feb-13 20:28:48

It all depends on how you view sex. To me it is just sex, I do it purely for enjoyment, and don't have an emotional bond to somebody because I have sex with them. I do sleep with people other than my husband, and to me it is just sex, nothing more.

I love my husband dearly, and married him because I love him.

Lots of people live without monogamy and do so happily. It might be hard work at times and sometimes feelings get hurt and things go wrong but that happens to monogamous people as well.

pinkpaws Mon 25-Feb-13 20:40:29

I think the need for sex is a very basic one. And difficult to expect anyone person to meet all your needs thats very diffterent to having a relationship

Open relationship with the other's person's knowledge?

How would that work then, do explain.

BelaLugosisShed Mon 25-Feb-13 20:56:52

If you need to go looking elsewhere for sex, you are not with the right person in the first place.
IAFV - please don't insult those of us who do love our partners and respect our marriage vows - fidelity is not optional in marriage.
If you really loved and respected your husband (or wife) you wouldn't disrespect them by fucking other people.

WafflyVersatile Mon 25-Feb-13 20:58:48

That's the good thing about open relationships. So much easier and simpler. And there are never any problems or jealousy.

If open relationships work for some people then fine. No problem with that from my pov. But 'woooo, let's everybody just have open relationships' is not the answer to discord in human relationships.

pinkpaws Mon 25-Feb-13 20:59:32

Its not hard to explain you talk about your needs and the fact that sex is like any other thing you both enjoy and need but not always together. Its only because we all allow ourselves to get caught up in society expectation of what a relationship should be. that we trot along like sheep.

pinkpaws Mon 25-Feb-13 21:03:32

I am not insulting anyone on here which is more than I can say for some other people I RAISING a topic for debate

So how would it work pinkpaws? Could I have a Mr Monday, a Mr Tuesday, a Mr Wednesday and so on?

Could they all be hunky toyboys?

ItsAFuckingVase Mon 25-Feb-13 21:05:14

Bela - how is what I do in my relationship disrespectful to anybody else or their relationships? Perhaps rather than spending your time being so bothered about the personal lives of strangers you should get yourself a hobby??

To me, sex and love do not go hand in hand. I have sex for enjoyment in much the same way as I ski for enjoyment. I don't hold any emotional attachment to sex at all. Note that I say to me - not that I think other people are wrong, just that is how it is for me. Not that I should have to justify myself, but I have a very strong relationship with my husband, and have have a great sex life. But sometimes we like something new.

FWIW, I also laugh and have fun with lots of people. I don't lag in anybody's arms after sex - can't think of anything I'd like to do less when we're all sweaty. I'm more likely to sleep.

I would never share anything that I personally attach intimacy to with somebody else.

pinkpaws Mon 25-Feb-13 21:05:37

Well if your fighting them of that you think you could have a man a day good luck to you .

pinkyredrose Mon 25-Feb-13 21:09:36

I know several couples who are in long term commited relationships who are open. The key element is that they respect each other massively. Each partner would not do anything or see anyone without the agreement of the other partner.

So it can work.

pinkpaws Mon 25-Feb-13 21:12:48

well said ItsAfuckingvase i think my topic has pushed a few buttons. GREAT

I don't have a theoretical issue with open relationships. I mean, I wouldn't be wild about one myself but if it works for someone else, fair enough.

I have to say, in practice, the couples I've known who were in open relationships managed to be deeply unhappy and, frankly, abusive creeps. I wouldn't judge other people in open relationships based on them but I do think they show that it's not always a bunch of roses just because it sounds appealing.

pinkpaws Mon 25-Feb-13 21:15:22

I agree an open relationship is not cheating on your partner its about trust and respect . that includes their sexual choice.

pinkpaws Mon 25-Feb-13 21:18:41

I know more people who are not in open relationship and are as you say deeply unhappy. And are abusive creeps i dont judge either

Samu2 Mon 25-Feb-13 21:34:14

I don't not shag around because I am a trotting sheep, I enjoy being faithful, for me, there is something beautiful about having sex with that one person for the rest of my life. It just gets better and better and I have no desire to have sex with anyone else.

While I don't care what two consenting adults do I do think it is playing with fire. It won't take much to fall for someone if you have had sex with them and I wonder how it works for people long term. I would never risk my marriage and I do think sleeping with other people is risky. I have heard of too many couples who ended up falling in love with someone they were having sex with in a OR and while it happens in closed marriages the risks seems higher to me when you are out there having sex with others. But each to their own.

Plenty of people have happy, non-abusive open relationships. Plenty of people in monogamous relationships are unhappy and/or abused/abusive. It's not how many or how few people you have sex with that makes you a good person: you can be an arsehole whether or not monogamy matters to you.

Though it's worth considering that monogamy is a social construct set up by men to control women (which is why all the propaganda about how women are the ones who want monogamy exists - just like all the stuff about women are the ones who really want marriage when marriage benefits men far more than women.)

Sure. I'm just trying to say, no-one should assume it'll suddenly solve all the problems, make an unpleasant partner suddenly turn nice, or absolve you of the need to try to be nice. Obvious, I guess.

abbeynationall Mon 25-Feb-13 22:29:09

OP, do listen to CuttedUpPear regarding grammar winkgrin

Charbon Mon 25-Feb-13 22:35:05

Why do you want to 'push a few buttons' OP? Didn't you want an objective, intelligent discussion?

FWIW this hasn't pushed any buttons for me. As long as people are honest with eachother about having sex outside their relationships and there is equal opportunity for both and no coercion exacted, there's no difficulty.

But I think it's naive to think that if the default was polyamory there wouldn't still be some people who chose monogamy, or who liked keeping secrets, or whose eroticism was sparked by the illicit nature of secret encounters, or who didn't enjoy being 'chosen' as a special and exclusive partner. Mainly because sex (like any other activity) doesn't happen in a vacuum uncontaminated by other aspects of human nature and individual personality traits.

TDada Mon 25-Feb-13 23:13:25

Diff format will give diff benefits and challenges. Main thing is respect, care and absence of abuse whatever format you choose.

BOF Mon 25-Feb-13 23:21:17

Good points, Charbon.

AnyFucker Mon 25-Feb-13 23:25:02

That's nice, dear

ArtVandelay Mon 25-Feb-13 23:25:39

I'm afraid I just see extra people/relationships as a drain on my time and emotional resources. I want more time to myself, not less smile

No problem with people who enjoy this but it's not for me!

cronullansw Mon 25-Feb-13 23:30:09

A vote in favour of SGB's comments.

Been there, having done that, currently not doing that, still happily married.

AnyFucker Mon 25-Feb-13 23:37:25

I think it's really sweet what a massive crush you have on sgb, nsw grin

izzyizin Tue 26-Feb-13 00:26:12

You think your topic has 'pushed a few buttons'? Hardly the debate of the decade, is it?

I know several couples who are in long term commited relationships who are open Open to what? One night stands with randoms, sexual dalliances with friends and friends of friends? Deeply meaningful sexual relationships with others which last considerably longer than a wham, bam, thank you ma'am encounter?

The key element is that they respect each other massively If they 'respect each other massively', are we to assume they also trust each other implicitly?

If so, the fact that each partner would not do anything or see anyone without the agreement of the other partner would seem to give the lie to the above as any relationship which places restrictions on the parties to it cannot be said to be 'open'.

WafflyVersatile Tue 26-Feb-13 00:33:02

All relationships have rules. And in any relationship rules can be broken. The OP is risibly simplistic.

WMDinthekitchen Tue 26-Feb-13 00:34:42

I do hope your knowledge of safe sex is better than your grammar.

pinkyredrose Tue 26-Feb-13 03:23:29

WM why attempt to derail the thread by picking bones at the OPs grammar?

nooka Tue 26-Feb-13 04:09:27

For me the problem is all to do with context. I don't know very much about open relationships, having never met any couples who (openly) said that was their bent. However I remember thinking that in theory polygamy shouldn't be a problem if everyone was happy. However in practice it appears to be used mostly in ways that have a very bad impact on women and children, and is of benefit only to top men in very patriarchal communities. So I'd worry about how open relationships work in practice - are both people in the relationship really happy, or is it just a way for one of them (most likely the man) to do whatever they like without worrying about the feelings of the other person. In a society that is still very chauvinistic my suspicion is that it's not all a bed of roses and that it's usually the woman who gets the bum deal.

That's not to hold up monogamy as the answer, I just don't think that the best way to manage people who have affairs is to have one yourself and declare open season. S no I don't think it would lessen the drama.

Selba Tue 26-Feb-13 04:13:34

Where are all these other people who want to have sex with me??they seem to be hiding

LessMissAbs Tue 26-Feb-13 12:51:44

I can't help thinking open relationships are for people who can't admit their relationship is at an end, who fear divorce, and who are scared of taking the risk of being single. At least I think divorce and starting anew is a better option, but then it depends how much you prize financial security over being happy in a relationship.

Dahlen Tue 26-Feb-13 12:59:27

I think open relationships only ever work when they are negotiated at the start of a relationship between two people who consider themselves totally equal and who have very similar outlooks about sex, boundaries and relationships. In that context, they can - and do - work exceptionally well.

One of the reasons they can go wrong is because they are often preceded by several years of monogamy. The sexual boundaries of the relationship are then changed, which can shake the foundations of the rest of the relationship. Quite often, it's suggested by one partner and the other is persuaded into it by a desire not to lose the relationship. That immediately creates an uneven playing field, dooming the relationship even when the 'rules' are discussed and agreed.

ErikNorseman Tue 26-Feb-13 13:02:17

OP has form for goadyfuckery elsewhere btw.

My twopennorth is that sex and love aren't the same thing, but sex is essential for love (IMO). For me, casual sex is very different from partner sex. I can see how people can compartmentalise and have both. However I find I have a very powerful sexual jealousy and it's not something I would want in a relationship. I also find casual sex much less fun than partner sex. Or rather, it's awesome the first or second time, then the shine wears off and then you have nothing left. With couple sex there is more going on so if the sex hits a lull you have a foundation of intimacy to build it back up again.

In summary- open relationships not inherently wrong, but not for me.

Dahlen Tue 26-Feb-13 13:05:21

I also think it's easier to agree to in principle than it is in reality.

If you're of the opinion that sex can be totally divorced from emotion - which many people are - it's easy to see how you can maintain a long emotional relationship with one person and have sex with others without damaging that primary relationship.

However, practical concerns can get in the way. For example, even using barrier methods it is possible to contract STDs. So as well as considering your own sexual health, you have to consider how to keep your spouse/partner safe. What about pregnancy - either of one of the partners in the primary relationship or one of the secondary sexual partners? Do you have a rule where you only have sex one time with other partners so that you minimise the risk of a emotional connection developing? And so on.

AnyFucker Tue 26-Feb-13 13:16:31

Usually these "edgy" threads (or at least trying to be edgy) threads are started by Goady Fuckers.

A "That's Nice, Dear" is the most appropriate response, IMO

firesidechat Tue 26-Feb-13 13:39:30

Apart from all the obvious answers, ie love my husband, don't want or need sex with anyone else etc, we also have grown up children who would be embarrassed and devastated beyond belief if we had an open relationship. It would be naive to think that they would never find out and why oh why would I do that to them. Our relationship isn't in some sort of vacuum that has no impact on other family members.

I can't see an open relationship having much to do with respect either, but that's just a personal opinion.

eccentrica Tue 26-Feb-13 14:00:05

I agree with AnyFucker. I have no issue with polyamory or its derivatives (have dabbled that way myself from time to time) but I do find the people who shout about it on internet forums usually quite tiresome and attention-seeking. There are many more interesting things about someone than who you do or don't have sex with.

Hmm. The thing is, people who reject monogamy do sometimes get frustrated with the ignorance and bigotry of monogamists, many of whom behave like unthinking mildly homophobic heteros. All this 'I don't care what you do, just don't flaunt it' actually means 'Please pretend you don't exist, I can't cope with anyone being different.'
People who prefer open or polyamorous relationships would, on the whole, prefer just to get on with their own lives, but the heteromonogamous often won't let them. You get: people seeing you with someone other than a person they know/believe is Your Partner and sticking their beaks in, to the extent of refusing to believe you that your relationship is consensually open and harassing one or more of your partners about the fact that you are 'cheating' and that the partner 'needs to get some self respect' and punish you. You get endless clammy-handed invitations to get some therapy for your rejection of monogamy. You get people not wanting their DC near you in case you make sexual advances to them (as though anyone who goes to a swingers' club or is in any way unusual must be a predator who targets children...)

So people stating their preferences openly and wanting to defend themselves against stupidity is not such a terrible thing.

nooka Tue 26-Feb-13 15:55:28

The world would probably be a better place is more diversity was accepted, that's certainly true. I can imagine all those things happening very easily SGB, and they do sound very similar to homophobic attitudes (you can't really want to live like that types).

I just don't think that the answer to the 'drama' of people being unfaithful is simply to move to open relationships, thus legitimizing the behaviour of the cheating spouse. I imagine that sometimes the problem is that the cheating partner has got themselves into the wrong sort of relationship, but I'm not at all sure that many people who cheat would be happy to have a relationship where their partner was also free to play.

For a truly open relationship to work I imagine that the bond between partners has to be stronger and based on significant levels of mutual respect and equality. I would have thought that until wider society embraces the idea of everyone as autonomous and of equal value that's fairly exceptional.

Charbon Tue 26-Feb-13 16:04:57

I think there's bigotry and ignorance from some people in all lifestyles and that type of behaviour is certainly not confined to monogamists. There will always be people with a compulsion to sneer or belittle other people's choices if they don't mirror their own. In general, the people who are happiest with their choices don't need to defend them aggressively or criticise others for following a different path.

AnyFucker Tue 26-Feb-13 16:09:31

But we don't know anything about the OP's sex life. We don't know the OP. We have no interest in the OP.

It's simply attention-seeking white noise. Look at me and my choices

It's like me walking into a waiting room and saying "I am happily in a monogamous relationship". I wouldn't expect anybody to give a shit, frankly.

So, the answer is...yes, dear. Do run along now.

DadOnIce Tue 26-Feb-13 16:46:50

I've always wondered how an open relationship would work if you agree to it in theory, then find the other person is the one getting all the action.

Also, "it's fine, honestly, I'm in an open relationship" is surely one of those lines guaranteed to result in 1) a hmm face 2) a post on Mumsnet entitled "You would not believe what this creep who tried to chat me up the other night came out with."

AnAirOfHope Tue 26-Feb-13 17:06:27

Sex is never just sex because human beings have emotions. You cant control what other people do or feel and this is why open relationships are difficult because it is messy as it involves feelings.

Also if you find having one relationship difficult to retain the sexual attraction to your partner then how can you have a relationship with more people and make it work without someone getting hurt?

Sex is not free, it takes time and money away from the primary partner.

I really couldn't give a shit what consenting adults do. I barely give a shit about my own sex life, frankly.

ItsAFuckingVase Tue 26-Feb-13 19:35:54

I'm very sexually attracted to my husband thanks! Just every now and then I want something different. As much as I love him, I'll never have that electric spark from kissing somebody for the first time, or the excitement of new sex. And I want those things, as does he.

I've never formed a bond or developed feelings for somebody because we've had sex. I have emotional bonds with friends, and wouldn't sleep with them because of that. Seriously, just because some people attach emotion to sex, it doesn't mean everybody does. For me, sex is not an act of love, it is something I like to do because it feels great.

The thing is, monogamy doesn't work for a substantial number of people. It's not remotely 'natural', and even those who believe that it is the 'morally superior' option often struggle with it. Of course, there are some people with a pronounced fetish for it, just as there are some people who have no interest in sex at all and others who prefer to get their jollies from inanimate objects. Plenty of people have a romantic-love fetish ie for them, sex has to involve romantic love - and just like any other fetish, that's fine among consenting adults but it's not terribly ethical to insist on your fetish being indulged when your partner doesn't share it.

But, because having sex with the same person for the majority of your adult life does tend to get boring, there is a substantial and profitable industry dedicated to making it less so by selling you things: romantic dinners/holidays, new clothes and cosmetics, particular foods and flowers and the great juggernaut of couple-therapy and How To Love prison One Person books, as well as the patriarchal superstitions about one man's entitlement to own one woman...

So people pointing out that there is more to life than monogamy and other ways of arranging your life are not just attention-seeking and spoiling for a fight.

AnyFucker Tue 26-Feb-13 21:27:59

sgb...what is your assessment of this particular poster's motivation ?

< looks sgb very squarely right in the eyes >

AF: Don't know and TBH don't care. People can either participate in the discussion or not - I have no problem with people wanting to start a discussion about a subject that interests them.

AnyFucker Tue 26-Feb-13 22:10:08

Ah, you think the op simply wanted to "start a discussion" ? grin

krimbles Tue 26-Feb-13 22:13:27

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

krimbles Tue 26-Feb-13 22:14:25

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

AnyFucker Tue 26-Feb-13 22:16:14

krimbles, were you aware it is against guidelines to follow an individual poster around the boards and attempt to goad them into an argument ?

WorraLiberty Tue 26-Feb-13 22:19:03

Open relationships are certainly not for me.

I've known 3 or 4 couples who have had open relationships though and 1 are still together (roughly 23yrs I think).

It works for them but I'd guess the failure rate is very high as many of us do equate sex with emotion.

krimbles Tue 26-Feb-13 22:21:56

AF, I'm not following anyone - don't flatter yourself. I just see you posting negatively so often and rubbishing what others have to say.

Were you aware troll hunting is also against the guidelines? If you don't like it, ignore.

AnyFucker Tue 26-Feb-13 22:26:11

I just see you posting negatively so often and rubbishing what others have to say.

If you don't like it, ignore.

Gosh, take your own advice, eh

AnyFucker Tue 26-Feb-13 22:27:57

Could you explain why calling someone a "man" is considered an insult by you , krimbo ?

Not that I've ever used "you are a man" in such a way. Which is a bit odd of you to have apparently "noticed"

Charbon Tue 26-Feb-13 22:41:53

I'm sure posters can see the massive hypocrisy in accusing monogamists of bigotry and ignorance, while stating as fact that their lifestyle is boring and akin to imprisoning a partner. And railing against the existence of the romance industry, while supporting and profiting from the sex industry.

Like I said earlier, bigotry and prejudice transcend people's sexual choices, but most happy people really couldn't care less what choices people make.

Branleuse Tue 26-Feb-13 23:00:06

Im not really sociable enough for an open relationship. I don't have any moral objection to it and know a few people that are poly or swingers and it works for them

cronullansw Tue 26-Feb-13 23:25:42

Oh look, how sweet!

AF has made another friend, ahh bless, and my dear AF, I'm mortified that you've spotted my 'crush' on SGB. <blushing here> smile

So in AF world, agreeing with someone more than once means you have a crush on them does it?

Back to the topic of discussion, I can add that we managed it with great discretion; one doesn't flaunt ones dalliances in ones DP face, one shows respect, behaves discreetly and doesn't cause offence. Each knows what the other is doing, through quiet, polite, discreet hints, such as, 'Oh, I might be late home on Saturday, catching up with some old friends....' instead of, 'don't wait up for me or bother shaving love, I'm out fucking someone else'.

AnyFucker Tue 26-Feb-13 23:32:42

I made and lost my new fwend in the space of a few minutes, nsw

Very sad. He/she got zapped. Now none of us can fondly re-read those pearls of friendly wisdom. < wistful sigh >

AnyFucker Tue 26-Feb-13 23:37:49

You are in good company actually, nsw. I also have a crush on sgb. I am to be found agreeing with her all over the shop, and being very vocal about it.

jynier Wed 27-Feb-13 03:12:56

Can't sleep so have been browsing and arrived at this thread!

I am a massive fan of AF - her posts are always so succinct and helpful for all!!!

Think that I have "a crush" ... Gawd luv yer, AF! Long may you reign!

nooka Wed 27-Feb-13 06:11:05

nsw, I'm struggling with your discretion post. If the sex with other people is just for fun and no big deal (for the relationship) why wouldn't you say 'I'm out fucking someone else' or something along those lines?

I'm not picking holes, just curious. I don't consider my monogamy to be a fetish, I've just never fancied anyone other than dh (except for characters in books).

CheerfulYank Wed 27-Feb-13 06:47:50

Meh. It wouldn't work for us.

If other consenting adults want to do it and both partners truly agree (as in, one is not being pressured into it or doing it to "keep" the other) then whatever. It's up to them.

Sugary Wed 27-Feb-13 06:59:54

I have barely enough energy for my husband, let alone anyone else!

To be fair, polygamy doesn't offend me, I just find it difficult to see a positive outcome in the long term.

TobyLerone Wed 27-Feb-13 07:13:45

I really hate the way everyone judges everyone else on their choices when it comes to relationships, especially regarding this topic.

Both sides refuse to accept that the others can possibly be happy or fulfilled with the way they choose to live their lives and conduct their relationships.

FWIW, it is absolutely possible to love/have sex with more than one person. And there are many relationships which function beautifully under non-monogamous terms. I fail to see how that affects anyone else, and why that gives those who don't understand it the right to say negative things about it.

I've been in monogamous and non-monogamous relationships and I've heard all the insults. It's all so unnecessary. Don't worry. I won't sleep with your husband.

I have no objection to consenting adults choosing monogamy. I have no objection to consenting adults choosing to dress up as the Tellytubbies for sexual gratification, either. My issue with monogamy is the way it is pushed as the only way to live: the insistence that people practice monogamy when it simply doesn't work for a lot of us is actually very damaging.

TobyLerone Wed 27-Feb-13 10:11:30

I always agree with most of the things you say on this subject, SGB, but you personally, and poly people in general, often come across as though monogamy is a bad/outdated/stupid choice for everyone.

I know a lot of poly people, and was one myself for a fair while, and the attitude that they are more enlightened than the monogamous masses is prevalent, smug, untrue and quite irritating.

AnAirOfHope Wed 27-Feb-13 10:14:32

But in some cultures having one partner is not the norm only in the west is it the "norm".

There are loads of pros and cons for both none is right or wrong.

But people need to consider the unexpected such as the feelings of the person you are having sex with. I dont see the point of having sex if feelings were not invloved hmm. Unexpected pg or sti and to me having meny lovers just screams drama to me.

The long term I think its just emotionally messy. Even if you have an open relationship it doesnt stop a partner from cheating or leaving or having problems in the prime relationship. If a person is abusive the will be abusive with one ner and others.

bestsonever Wed 27-Feb-13 10:20:11

The ideal -'live and let live'. Whatever works. The reality, taking away emotion and being purely practical -an increase in STI's. So you would have to take into account that there is an added health risk to yourself and your beloved.
Condoms not being 100% and how many people really use dental dams without fail in these instances? More than one way to spread a bug and spread a bug. So its a respect yourself, your partner and the rest of the population issue in the end regardless of any other moral right or wrong?

bestsonever Wed 27-Feb-13 10:21:19

'catch a bug and spread' that is.

TobyLerone Wed 27-Feb-13 10:22:25

The STIs thing may be a red herring (unless someone can back it up with something better than anecdote). Every poly person I know is fanatical about their own sexual health and that of their partner.

AnAirOfHope Wed 27-Feb-13 10:29:12

Do people really ask the other person for a medical before they have sex? grin

TobyLerone Wed 27-Feb-13 10:31:48

Sensible people, monogamous or not, will always make sure that any new partner has regular sexual health checks.

HappyTitChick Wed 27-Feb-13 11:15:31

"My issue with monogamy is the way it is pushed as the only way to live: the insistence that people practice monogamy when it simply doesn't work for a lot of us is actually very damaging." Yes how true, SGB.

bestsonever Wed 27-Feb-13 11:52:42

Not an anecdote, ask any sexual health clinic. But people close their eyes if it suits their way not to. It's good to be vigilant, not everyone is

TobyLerone Wed 27-Feb-13 11:55:14

So sexual health clinics can provide statistics to prove the assertion that people in open relationships are responsible for a rise in STIs?

No, thought not.

Dahlen Wed 27-Feb-13 11:56:15

Quite a few STIs can be spread even using a condom. And unless you have a full health screening after every single instance of sex, you won't be completely guaranteed to be disease free.

Obviously you can minimise the risks significantly, but the only true safe sex is solo.

DadOnIce Wed 27-Feb-13 12:11:27

Aren't some people going to use "monogamy doesn't work for me" as an excuse for having an affair or shagging around? I can imagine a hmm and "well, it seemed to work pretty well for you for the last 15 years" being the reaction.

bestsonever Wed 27-Feb-13 12:13:02

They will tell you the more new partners you have the higher the risk, that's just logic. Btw, I'm fine about other moral reasons, i don't have a problem in principle with it if it suits ones way of life, I just think it could be a public health issue.
As long as people accept the risks and do what they can to reduce it, it's their choice to take. I have an issue with denial that there are increased risks at all though.

Actually, Best, the sort of people who catch and spread STIs are more often the romantic idiots who believe that Being In Love is a protection against germs. That and those who are officially monogamous but in fact cheating.

And as TobyL said, most people who have made a conscious choice to avoid monogamy tend to be careful of their own sexual health and that of their partners.

AnAirOfHope Wed 27-Feb-13 16:29:12

Or the people who are polgamist but in fact cheating or think love/comdoms stop STI's.

There is no right or wrong SGB your post can be reversed and is disrespectful.

TobyLerone Wed 27-Feb-13 16:39:21

To be fair, SGB's 'romantic idiots' could just as easily be polyamorous as monogamous. She didn't specify. So her post is only disrespectful to romantic idiots.

AnAirOfHope Wed 27-Feb-13 17:04:55

Im a 'romantic idiot' blush

I just like the freedom of choice and maybe in the future marrage may be open for more than just two people in the same way same sex marrage is now ok in law?

In the USA there is thought to be 20k people that pratice poligamy/mormons. Unforntantly its one man with lots of wives, maybe if it was legal it would be more balanced with women with lots of husbands?

AnyFucker Wed 27-Feb-13 18:09:56

I am a (serial...but the last one has lasted quite a long time) monogamist and I am about the furthest from a "romantic idiot" it is possible to be smile

AnAirOfHope Wed 27-Feb-13 18:43:02

Im in a monogamist relationship of 8 years and counting, married for 6. So far I have not felt the need to have sex with anyone else but dh.

I understand the missing feeling of new love and the butterflies of having sex with someone new - I had that with my dh, but in the long time I have been with dh my love has grown deeper and I have found that old love is the best, warmedt most satifying type of love for me and the sex is great because I trust my dh and feel safe to explore my sexuality fully with him blush

I feel great about making the commitment to my husband and our sex life. Im happy flirting and fantasing -mostly about my husband.

I dont think I could get the depth of feeling/being with dh if I was having sex with other people. I think insurcuraty and uncertanty would block the path of truly knowing each other. I like to fouce all my energy into the one partnership but its ok with me if people chose to be different than me.

HappyTitChick Wed 27-Feb-13 19:57:00

Indeed, AnAirOfHope, I understand your position. But sexuality I believe is a fluid thing and may, or may not, change with time and with circumstance.

I am 18 years into my relationship, 15 years married and for the first time ever feel the need to have sex with someone else. The deep connection I have with DH allows him to have the love and trust to give me the freedom to do so.

HappyTitChick Wed 27-Feb-13 20:09:55

There is such a wide spectrum of human experience with regard to relationships; what it all boils down to is connection, being connected, being understood, being free to be yourself.

cronullansw Wed 27-Feb-13 23:46:51

@nooka - I have no idea smile It just kind of became our code phrase. It wasn't planned, we didn't sit down and work out a preferred phrase from a list of possibles.....

And I'd like to add that neither of us have ever brought home an unexpected guest in the form of an STI. Obv thats just down to sheer good luck ;)

nooka Thu 28-Feb-13 03:38:34

Thanks for the reply nsw, I can quite see how that might happen.

I have a slightly weird plus point of having extra-marital/monogamous sex. My dh had an affair, and obviously that was very shit, but there was one unexpected benefit, he became a much better lover (his OW was a great deal more demanding than me/knew what she liked). So I can see that variations might improve your techniques.

I still think that it's a very risky set up, simply because the chances of being completely on the same page as your partner all the time seem unlikely. But I guess the same thing could be said about any relationship, it just seems less risky with the traditional set up because it's so mainstream.

cronullansw Thu 28-Feb-13 18:43:44

Hey nooka, yes, there has been more than one occasion when I've thought,'thats new! Wonder where that came from....'

And you are right about the same page thing, as I've said before, currently, I'm not playing away from home, nor have I for a few years, but I suspect dp might be..... I'm lucky in that this doesn't bother me unduly, although I can see why it might bother others. As I also said before - no emotional attachments permitted, it's sport sex only. smile

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