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'Letter to my husband's lover' from the Guardian

(62 Posts)
toysintheattic Mon 25-Feb-13 18:34:13

Came across this article from the Guardian:

I found it really poignant and thought I would share, might help get through difficult times.

Whatsthefuture Mon 25-Feb-13 20:00:03

Thank you for posting that.

Mrsgorgeous Mon 25-Feb-13 20:27:23

Yes, it applies to many.
A year ago today for me. The 24th was the last night we shared under the same roof. I had no idea of the evil being played out behind my back!
My family and I have come a long way in one year and are stronger and closer than ever before. That is not the case for him.

Buffy12 Mon 25-Feb-13 20:55:39

That letter gave me chills. How long does it take for anger, sadness and betrayal go away?

RandallPinkFloyd Mon 25-Feb-13 21:08:27

Wow, she's a lot more articulate and rational than I am.

Buffy12 Mon 25-Feb-13 21:09:55

Me too. Not sure I could get that all down on paper without rambling

Buffy12 Mon 25-Feb-13 21:12:09

Me too. Not sure I could get that all down on paper without rambling

Moanranger Mon 25-Feb-13 21:23:48

Resonance! My H announced he no longer loved me 10 days before my B-day, cancelling a planned outing to a favourite hotel. Also, our next anniversary would have been 25 th. No celebrating for me this year. No idea if there is OW, but it makes little difference. I share her goals, though.

Buffy12 Mon 25-Feb-13 21:28:47

25th? Jeez! Awful!

Fleecyslippers Mon 25-Feb-13 21:28:48

Amazing sad

raenbow Mon 25-Feb-13 22:55:19

Resisting the urge to forward this to STBXH as this is JUST how I feel !

Cherriesarelovely Mon 25-Feb-13 22:58:08

I read that OP. It made me feel very sad indeed but, as you say, probably describes how many people feel. Very well written.

Skyebluesapphire Mon 25-Feb-13 23:14:27

That letter hits home on so many points for me too and other comments on here. XH left on 24 feb, came back because I begged him and we had a holiday planned for DD's birthday. It was my 40th a fortnight later. He left again at Easter.

I too had saved money for a lovely holiday later in the year for my birthday, since spent on heating oil and legal fees to remortgage my house.

I too, hope to feel very differently 12 months on again..

jynier Mon 25-Feb-13 23:29:36

This is so sad! I adore my XP and had no idea that he was leading a double life for several years!

I would love to tell the OW how I feel; cheers, OP.

jynier Mon 25-Feb-13 23:31:03

Anniversary tomorrow of our first meeting!

ike1 Mon 25-Feb-13 23:39:17

I still feel rubbish after 3.5 years ...hollow inside sometimes and very aware of being alone. ExH still with OW and about to jet off for a fun filled holiday in the sun...

jynier Tue 26-Feb-13 00:48:10

ike1 - It's awful, isn't it? I love my XP with all my heart; wish that there was an "unlove" button in our brain.

ike1 Tue 26-Feb-13 00:57:34

Yep, I would like to have an erase button so that I can magically forget all the lovely times especially the family ones.

mercury7 Tue 26-Feb-13 01:07:45

there's a film about that...kate winslet was in it, the something something mind..oh what was it called?? confused

BOF Tue 26-Feb-13 01:09:53

Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind.

mercury7 Tue 26-Feb-13 01:13:24


jynier Tue 26-Feb-13 01:56:42

My XP and the OW are well-known in their own fields; I exploded with anger and wrath when I discovered the extent of deceit and made it public on the 'net. They (he) called in the police for harassment!!!

ike1 Tue 26-Feb-13 09:37:54

Oh dear Jyn and this is part of the issue really because what they have done is so unfair and yet there is little you can do to express your anger and disappointment. The only routes really are writing and counselling its such I damaging experience.

I find it very very difficult to have any empathy at all for the OW threads on here sometimes when they are moaning and complaining and have to stop myself from ripping the t..ts to shreds. I hold them both equally responsible, you see.

Skyebluesapphire Tue 26-Feb-13 10:28:55

ike1 and jynier

I understand how you feel, but it seems that a lot of people don't. after 12 months, I still love my XH and cannot just switch those feelings off. Everybody seems to expect you to be able to "forget it and move on", but its not that easy when its your feelings that are involved is it?

As much as I hate him for walking out on me and for becoming obsessed with OW, I can't stop thinking about the good times and the loss of what the future should have held.

ike1 Tue 26-Feb-13 11:08:48

Yes Skye and that is where the erase button would be very handy. You can deal with the present but its the memories of what 'appeared' to be a reasonable relationship with the father of your children is what I find hard to take.

That, and in my case, like the author of the article, having to deal with the flourishing relationship that the exH and OW now have. It seems they have all the great holidays, family time and together time any couple could want. Where the person who is left has to deal with the grief, emptiness and loss in all areas of their life. I dont know what I have done to 'deserve' this in my life but it really is an absolutely dreadful place to be and I wouldnt wish it on anyone.

ike1 Tue 26-Feb-13 11:11:35

...and truth to tell I dont know when it will get easier...even if I met a fabulous partner (and of course that would help my happiness loads) he still will not be the father of my children and I would still have them coming home talking about the wonderful day they have had with OW's father flying planes or accidentally calling me by her name.

Skyebluesapphire Tue 26-Feb-13 11:20:33

The OW of XH is still with her H, but she spends an awful lot of time with my XH and my DD. It's hard to have DD come home talking about going swimming with Daddy and OW, or to the beach, or walking OW's dog.... doing all the family things that we should be doing, the three of us, not XH and OW and DD.

and after he left, he did all the things that we couldnt afford to do, new wardrobe of clothes, foreign holiday, out for meals all the time, leaving me with a £700 mortgage to pay on my own and a 4yo child to bring up on my own.

I don't know how these men sleep at night.

I am very sorry that you are in that situation, but it is a bit reassuring to me to know that it is actually normal to feel this way...

ike1 Tue 26-Feb-13 11:27:39

Skye I think people have varying degrees of what we are would have been great if their relationship had failed just so he would have a bit of my pain in his life.

I would have no problem with him having a partner, no problem at all and would be happy to be an acquaintance. I just cant do that with the bitch that booked a hotel room so that she could fuck my exH with the full knowledge he had a 1 year old and 4 year old at home.

ike1 Tue 26-Feb-13 11:30:18

He of course thinks that enough time has passed and I should be fully accepting of her. There will never be a time when that will happen.. I may not care as much, but she will always be my enemy and unfortunately as accomodating as I am of him, so will he.

ike1 Tue 26-Feb-13 11:37:20

The thing is Skye these people have not had to learn anything from their has been an easy ride with only where is the justice in that? It is the total lack of natural justice that could make one very bitter if allowed to fester...

Skye. I could have written that post...apart from thw fact I am 2 years on.

Add into that my 6yo dd who insists she is going to marry ow's ds...writing him love letter...valentines cards etc. They all just magically disappear in the bin when she is not looking.

Huge hugs.

Skyebluesapphire Tue 26-Feb-13 11:45:13

yes, I agree. I don't want to be bitter as it only ruins your own life, not theirs, but I can never be his friend. My XH lied to me about the contact with her, yet was texting her all day every day, from 8am to midnight, all during our family holiday, came back here saying he would try again but no guarantees. Unknown to me, was texting her all night, then making love to me. I feel sick when I think of that. Sending her motivational emails telling her everything will work out OK, whilst failing to support me while my aunt died of cancer. Refusing to see his DD for extra time last summer holidays due to work, then taking a week off to go on holiday with OW and her H and her parents...

Giving her family jobs, then telling me that money is tight and he needs to cut the maintenance. Then buying ipads and all sorts of gadgets.

Living a life of freedom, exciting himself by texting OW all day and all night. When he moved out, he moved in with them. Tea cooked for him, clothes washed for him, nothing to worry about, leaving me with everything to worry about.

Leaving me needing antidepressants and counselling to try and come to terms with him just walking out with no prior warning, to come to terms with the deceit of the contact with OW behind my back and to come to terms with how much it has all affected DD.

While he sits back and his emotional affair (initially) has now stepped up to seeing her behind her H's back, dates together, etc.

I want them to split up, or for her H to find out and they get together properly, because there is no way it will last and then maybe just maybe he will find out what it is like to have his heart broken

Skyebluesapphire Tue 26-Feb-13 11:47:25

oh and of course, OW is 17 years younger than XH and on her second marriage at the age of 32 after cheating on her first husband with her second.

How gullible was my XH to fall for her flattery and to walk away from his family for that.....

fergoose Tue 26-Feb-13 11:47:30

It is a heartbreaking letter - and it is heartbreaking that it resonates so loudly with so many of us.

Oh lordy sad

H is still with me but even so that letter really spoke to me.

She sounded so dignified and calm.

ike1 Tue 26-Feb-13 12:09:55

Its the tranquilisers.....

jynier Wed 06-Mar-13 03:02:25

Grrrr! Can't sleep! Tormented by thoughts of my DXP and OW! I want to be curled up in bed with him!!! Pathetic, isn't it?

bluebeardsbabe Wed 06-Mar-13 14:51:50

Here's another one who knows exactly how it feels and I feel like I am no closer to healing even though it has almost been a year. Just found out exp and ow got engaged after 8 months together (moved in after 3). All the while I am raising our baby girl on my own. I am tired and feel robbed of the family i thought I would have. I am being slowly erased out of mutual friends lives as they become friends with her. I can't even go out and get pissed and try to momentarily forget it all as stuck at home with dd. feel like my life is a shambles while he is living the high life. It is so tough as I still love him and am still grieving . does it get easier ? I hope so. Maybe we can turn this thread into a bit of a support thread without being called bitter, lol.

jynier Wed 06-Mar-13 23:22:53

bbb - It is so awful to be rejected; in my case, I have been horrified by the lies and deceit which surfaced 2 years after our separation! Beloved XP's mother died, left him loads of money and I was out on my ear very quickly! He's travelled the world since with OW!

jynier Wed 06-Mar-13 23:56:46

Oh! This sounds as if I am bitter and twisted - too f*****g right!!! Dreamt about him last night (not unusual) and was asking him why he lied!

bbb - You now have a very important little person in your life; children bring joy and meaning into the world! Treasure her forever and ignore the mutual friends! Best wishes,x

Skyebluesapphire Thu 07-Mar-13 15:53:33

I divorced my XH asap as I was afraid he would get into debt and have just discovered that he is going for an IVA as he owes £20,000. In less than 12 months, he has managed to build up that much debt.

bbb - I am still grieving, I still love him, although I don't want to. It's almost a year for me too, since he finally left for good. It is getting easier, but I usually still have a little cry each day about something..

bluebeardsbabe Thu 07-Mar-13 16:31:54

I am grieving for the family I will never have, it's really hard and I do hope it gets better. I kept hoping that OW was just a flash in the pan but here we are, one year later. I know I too sound bitter etc but it is hard not too when you are the one left with sorrow and a hole in your heart. It is a loooong process I think and everyone processes at their pace.

I also have a little cry every day although blaming breast feeding hormones, lol. Its very harsh when I look at my dd and just wish for even five minutes we could lie on the floor and play with her as a family. Gosh making myself even more depressed!!!

But you know, its nice to know there are others out there who understand.

bluebeardsbabe Thu 07-Mar-13 16:33:26

oh and jynier I also found out a lot of lies were said about me, I guess to make him not look like a bad guy....he pretty much rewrote history and I have no way of defending myself....I've pretty much been put out to pasture!

Skyebluesapphire Thu 07-Mar-13 16:44:16

they all do it. as soon as their head is turned, they rewrite history to give them an excuse to go, especially where children are involved.

I grieve for the loss of family life, especially when DD is with him and I am on my own. It's not the way it should be. I should be spending every weekend with my husband and child, not being on my own every other weekend. I grieve for all the things we had planned for the future, the holidays, all the things we were going to do as she grew up.

Saltpig Thu 07-Mar-13 19:23:25

I'm still grieving 2 years on. Nothing like the first trauma but it's still there. I can't see myself ever loving someone else like I loved my ex h.

I'm happy, have a good job, lovely DC's. But the future, my future, isn't the one I wanted.

If I were to write such a letter I honestly don't know what I would say. OW has the love of her life and that's something we all want. I'm between hating her, blaming her, wishing her the worst - and letting it go.

Honeysucklerose Thu 07-Mar-13 19:28:22

Amazingly sad but true it happened to me 22 years ago you dont forget the pain it causes in your heart and especially your children, thanks.

debtherat Thu 07-Mar-13 20:17:49

This is a wonderful letter - so poignant. At least - small consolation - she has loved and still does. Can't help thinking her OH and OW are just indulging each others egos and shallow sense of self. My OH thinks the love of his life (3 month romance v 25 years of true warts and all love and life) is a precious jewel not to be shared/spoken about and that she is noble to boot not wanted to break up our family - but the damage is done - I am second best and probably always will be even if he re-commits and, it's all my fault of course! I have written lots of letters - angry, bitter, sad - in the past few months - him only one to the "most beautiful woman he has ever met" and a poem to her (password protected on our PC).

Lots of love and light to you and all of us who are not worthy!

jynier Sun 25-May-14 03:17:10

Yes! Want to know how it all worked out for the very hurt women.

jynier Sun 25-May-14 03:24:16

My post was in response to a Zombie Thread Alert which declared this is/was a dead thread (alarmingly red with capitals). Want to know if anyone has recovered from betrayal?

heyday Sun 25-May-14 08:54:10

I can imagine the almost unbearable pain that so many people on here have spoken about. Don't statistics state that 1 in 7 men are cheating? ( women not too far behind either)... This means that so many of us are being cheated on without any knowledge whatsoever. If figures are accurate of course. I wonder if it's worse to be cheated on but be totally oblivious and life carries on pretty much as normal or to to find out and face all this anger/pain and often, the financial hardship. I have been 'hit on' by so many married men, most of whom seemed to be in perfectly reasonably relationships with partners so couldn't even blame an unhappy marriage on their wayward behaviour. I find it hard to trust any man really which I know is sad and also unfair but it's what life has taught me. I hope that in time the wounds will heal for you. Betrayal is a terrible thing.

jynier Sun 25-May-14 22:58:12

Thanks, heyday. Wanted to know if life had improved for the women who were betrayed.

Mrscaindingle Sun 25-May-14 23:28:57

This really spoke to me too, having a very emotional day, sad stbxh has been here for a week seeing DS2 and after a lot of wrangling and pedantic fuckwittery from him has eventually signed the financial agreement.
It was all very awkward and horrible and he has now gone off to the airport to fly back to OW. I am up to my neck in cardboard boxes as am moving house tomorrow and just sat and howled in the kitchen for a good couple of hours. For the first time DC saw me crying didn't even have the energy to go out in the car like I usually do.
Its just so hard and although I am generally in a better place days like today bring it all back again.
I am sooo tempted to send that to OW or ex but won't as I have at least maintained my dignity and don't want them to think that I give a toss.

yorkshirewoman Mon 26-May-14 21:21:55

I am in the same position and have posted on here - but some time ago. I retired two years ago - lecturer alongside my ex - who continued working.
We lived together for 21 years he helped bring up my youngest son.I stumbled on his mobile phone last February - (found out subsequently he had 3 on the go) messaging (44+) a colleague who has was supporting through the Union (he a left wing socialist) how much he loved her. I confronted him - it was 'all my fault for snooping and looking at his phone'. There then followed a very tense few months where, when I tried to talk to him about his quite serious emotional affair - he dismissed me with hand gestures (hand under chin etc) I then found at Christmas that he had started contacting a temporary lecturer on his team. The OW (20 yrs younger) started sending BT txt messages through our house phone which I unfortunately picked up. She an ardent feminist by the way. After the most dreadful scene where it was 'all my fault' again I was called names no women should ever be called. Needless to say this time I packed his stuff and sent him on his way. However, my son who my ex helped bring up (from the age of 3) teaches on the same team in the same College. My ex has put my son through the humiliating experience of teaching both alongside him and his new woman. My ex now treats my son as though they have never met. He has completely cut off all contact with me. It is as though the last 21 years never existed. I can't believe it.
I am about to lose my beautiful home at the age of 65 because my pension will not support me here financially and am beginning to pack my stuff (like you I am crying a lot) My ex and the OW are financially secure and about to buy a house together.
On top of this he is circulating completely dreadful stories about me and my children.
He comes from a very wealthy middle class family and I, although an academic, clawed my way up from the working classes. Apparently for some reason that has given him the right to call my family the 'scumbag family' not only to me but to members of his close family who now believe I am the most evil nasty woman walking.
My world has totally imploded and I am finding it v difficult to remain positive. Thank god that my sons and my family are supporting me because without them I don't think there would be a reason to carry on.
What I am most afraid of is ending up a bitter and twisted woman.

jynier Tue 27-May-14 00:03:59

yorkshirewoman - I am so sorry for your troubles. Simply don't understand how men can do this to women who love them!

You and I have a lot in common.

Best wishes

andanother1 Tue 27-May-14 14:10:38

thought I would join this thread. so said to hear all of your stories.

Ike - I'm glad its not just me who feels that they can never accept OW, not after what she has done and the way she has gone about it. I would actually be pleased if ex got a new girlfriend as it means I wouldn't have to deal with OW. I would even be prepared to be friends with the new girlfriend but I know I could never even be civil with the OW.

I used to think that in affairs it was mostly the man chasing the OW, but am now learning differently although I am sure he is not without blame.

I am dreading if ex marries OW and has children with her, especially since it is looking likely that ex's sudden decision to stop trying for a second children was due to him seeing her.

SpringyReframed Tue 27-May-14 18:29:47

Oh, what sad stories on here. Yorkshirewoman especially here are some flowers.

I too am packing up my ex marital home, and moving on, but grateful to have got rid of the twunt I was married to, and the OW did a fine job in taking him off my hands. I asked him for a divorce long before I had evidence of OW and he could have walked away then with dignity and the respect of his children in tact but he choose to remain and behave more and more badly towards us all. The relationships with the DC were as broken as they were with me by the time I had my evidence.

I feel incredibly positive for myself about my new life and cant wait to get on with it, when I move. I know I am lucky to feel this way, especially after reading this thread.

However, I am still very sad to keep coming across photographs and other memories of a past family life that imploded. My (adult) DC's won't have anything to do with their DF and whilst that is entirely understandable it still hurts, and he now makes no attempt to contact them. I would be prepared, despite everything, to attend future weddings etc, with Twunt and OW in attendance (if she sticks it out), because I love my children.

jynier Wed 28-May-14 00:50:02

Springy - You seem very positive and focussed: what is your new life all about?

SpringyReframed Wed 28-May-14 22:21:01

Gosh, not sure I can answer that question, well not without a novel's worth of back story anyway! grin

After much pondering I am going to give you one word that sums it up. I want it to be about peace. Peace from all the vileness and peace to enjoy being with my family and friends. Enough peace in my heart too to be able to give something back to them, after they have supported me so much. That applies especially to my youngest DC who has been an absolute rock, having had to live through my recovery.

Allalonenow Wed 28-May-14 22:28:53

I remember your story so well Springy I'm so glad for you that things are going well at last and you have started your new life.
Very best wishes thanks

SpringyReframed Thu 29-May-14 19:07:29

Allalonenow, thank you for remembering me. It's been a long road but I've got there after three years. smile.

SoleSource Thu 29-May-14 20:43:55

So a couple of weeks after your birthday, I will turn 50. Single for the first time in 21 years. I have quite a dilemma choosing how to celebrate. If it wasn't a "big" birthday I would probably just let it pass fairly quietly. But I can't escape from the fact that if he was still here, we would be planning something grand. We had talked about a big trip this year; I had been saving up for it. All the options I consider feel like attempts to compensate for my loss and that just magnifies my sadness and loneliness. Some ideas are defiantly grandiose, and could end up feeling hollow and pointless. Either way I feel I am trying to choose based on the absence of him. I need it to be about me.

Yes, it does.

andanother1 Thu 29-May-14 20:57:19

Yorkshirewoman, I've just read your last posting again. Its such a sad story. It sounds like you have been through a lot. I assume you have been to a solicitor? I just mention this as you say that you cannot afford to stay in your house and yet your ex and OW are financially secure. Is it OW's money, as surely isn't your ex legally obliged to help financially support you? I realize though that money won't come anywhere near close to the loss that you have experienced.

If its any consolation, it does sound like he is not a nice person and has some serious issues to have behaved like he did. I am sure OW will experience it in time. I'm so glad to hear that you have the support of your sons. I know its tough but at least you have not lost your sons. It sounds like your ex has alienated his sons, and so it may seem like he has come out on top with OW and being financially secure, but it has come at the expense of his family and sons, so at the end of the day you still have what is most important.

thanks for you.

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