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New boyfriend rubbish in bed

(33 Posts)
getmeoutofthismadhouse Sun 24-Feb-13 23:49:56

Just come back from a weekend with my new boyfriend. I like him a lot but I'm dreading seeing him again coz I've come back home aching all over coz he was so unbelievably rubbish in bed.
I'm really not a bitch , I believe that sex becomes better over time and even if a man had premature problems to start with I would be the first to shrug it off and try again ... I like to give a man confidence in bed and always try to show a guy what I like ... but omg this weekend hasn't been like I imagined . I'm sore from his heavy handedness and his obvious lack of experience but how do you approach the subject with someone who is already insecure ?? His ex's all slept with other people and he has major trust issues .
He's 29 so hardly a virgin , he struggled to even find where to put it from behind . He bit my nipples so hard I thought he had bit them off and as for him on top omg he was thrusting into me , shaking whilst pulling at my shoulder . The insides of my thighs hurt and my bits just ... ache .

I ended up finishing him with my hand this morning coz I couldn't cope any longer . And even then he didn't even seem to do the finishing off bit right , most of it was left in his foreskin (sorry tmi)

He is of course convinced Im enjoying it and even though I told him him leaning on me hurt he still carried on . I told him my nipples were sore but he went off in a mood last night coz he thought I had orgasmed from him licking me and then coz of his lack of intercourse skills all I could do was moan that he was hurting me .
So ... how do you teach a man sex skills which I guess you always take for granted . He seems to have no idea at all . I do mean he actually seems like a virgin (he has kids so I know hes not )

Sex is really important to me and I was actually
looking forward to doing it with him definitely not expecting to try to avoid sex as much as possible . I do normally enjoy a lot sex and wouldn't usually hesitate telling a man what I like but I'm used to sex with men who are experienced in bed

I actually want to perhaps help him to get better coz I know some women ain't like me and they would critisize him , I don't want to hurt him but I can't bring myself to have sex with him again right now ..can you teach a man of nearly 30 sex skills you would just expect all men have???..

kalidanger Sun 24-Feb-13 23:54:30

I wouldn't bother. He was moody? What's so great about him?

Casmama Sun 24-Feb-13 23:54:41

If a man goes in a huff because you "moan that he is hurting you" walk the fuck away, in fact run. Why would he not be sorry he had hurt you once and careful not to do it again? It sounds like he either likes to hurt you or doesn't care enough not to.

DioneTheDiabolist Sun 24-Feb-13 23:55:35

I wouldn't bother. He didn't listen to you when you told him he was hurting you.

If you are intent on teaching him something, send him some links to Internet tutorials on sex.

getmeoutofthismadhouse Mon 25-Feb-13 00:02:02

He seems clumsy , like he is so inexperienced he doesn't actually know what he's doing. Away from the bedroom he's attentive , treated me like a princess for the weekend and over endulged me with attention and compliments . He's treated me an awful lot better than the guys I've been with who were better in bed ... I would just like the 2 parts to weigh up !

kalidanger Mon 25-Feb-13 00:05:35

The next one might have the right balance, OP

kalidanger Mon 25-Feb-13 00:06:26

Look at this thread http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1692138-Important-Questions-to-ask-in-a-potential-relationship

VeetorWax Mon 25-Feb-13 00:06:50

Did you tell him in no uncertain terms that he was hurting you? If so, did he stop or carry on?

hellsbells76 Mon 25-Feb-13 00:08:32

Of course he acted all attentive - you'd hardly have let him shag you if he hadn't. The real him came out in bed though. I don't believe for one minute he's inexperienced. He likes hurting women, and he doesn't care - in fact he sulks when you dare to complain. I would run, very, very far.

ApplyYourself Mon 25-Feb-13 00:08:51

You are contradicting yourself.

He can't be treating you 'like a princess' if he goes off in a huff because you tell him something hurts.

If you are for real then kick this imbecile to the kerb, pronto.

fortyplus Mon 25-Feb-13 00:20:10

Most abusive men learn to be extremely charming for a short while when starting a relationship - after all if they went round shouting 'I hate women I want to hurt and abuse them' then no normal woman would go near them.

Run for the hills and don't pander to his 'trust issues'. Tell him he's a wanker who needs to learn to treat women like human beings.

ImperialBlether Mon 25-Feb-13 00:25:04

Princesses don't get their nipples bitten off!

Personally I hate this "treat you like a princess" - just treat me with respect and with kindness and generosity of spirit and that'll do. And don't bite my nipples off.

I wouldn't see him again. You will end up telling him it was crap, in which case he'll storm off, or you'll tell him it was great, in which case you get them bitten off again, or you tell him it was OK, in which case he'll storm off.

No win, really. Dump him.

Frizzbonce Mon 25-Feb-13 00:28:17

He's treated me an awful lot better than the guys I've been with who were better in bed ... I would just like the 2 parts to weigh up !

You don't have to choose one or the other. There are men out there who will treat you like a princess in and out of bed. This one carries on after you tell him he's hurting you.

By the way, sexual finesse isn't something that just automatically comes with age. It also involves good manners, liking women and wanting them to have a good time in bed. When I was younger I went through a phase of having relationships with older men and they were all shit in bed because the sense of entitlement and smash and grab attitude to sex just became ingrained.

Amphitrite Mon 25-Feb-13 00:30:45

So many red flags in your post OP.
He carried on leaning on you even when told it hurt.
He moaned about you complaining that you hurt.
And most of all this
His ex's all slept with other people and he has major trust issues
Which he will use to excuse his bad behaviour for the rest of the relationship however long it lasts.
Which if you have any sense will be as long as it takes to call him and explain that it is not working out for you.

AnyFucker Mon 25-Feb-13 01:06:39

He isn't simply "bad in bed" is he ?

he is a rough abuser who doesn't give a shit if he hurts you, and it sounds like it's all about his own pleasure

you would be a fool to continue a relationship with him

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmmmmmmmm Mon 25-Feb-13 01:10:17

Caution, male POV incoming......
Erm......we are not, despite a deal of evidence to the contrary, completely stupid. This guy just sounds,well, odd. Most men would kinda realise hard bite on nipples = genuine pain. Is he crap in bed, OP, or just oblivious to his partners needs ? Resisting drawing the obvious inferences to be drawn from all his exes sleeping with other people.....While I think it's really kind of you to be even thinking of training him (if thats what you are considering), do you REALLY want to be investing that much emotional capital in a huffy bloke with issues? Move quickly on, I think.

Charbon Mon 25-Feb-13 02:05:56

In an equal relationship, there's really no room for princes and princesses. Successful relationships are built on treating eachother with mutual respect and courtesy in and out of bed.

I think it's glaringly obvious that this man is a heavy porn user who's 'learnt' how to have sex from media that celebrates a lack of sexual consent and gives a distorted picture of what most women find erotic and enjoyable.

I wouldn't be giving him any second chances at all, but I'd be honest that you think you're sexually incompatible, otherwise he'll never learn what he's doing wrong.

izzyizin Mon 25-Feb-13 02:18:44

He's an abusive oaf intent on his own pleasure and you're best advised to dump him NOW.

slouchingtowardsBethlehem Mon 25-Feb-13 03:01:49

OP, I dont neccessarily agree with all the posters ranting 'he's an abusive shit'. But it does seem to me that what you are describing is not simply inexperience that could be corrected with a few tactful tips. His sexual personality and style are disturbing and unpleasant for you. Do you really want to roll up your sleeves and try to tackle the problem, at the expense of your own wants and inclinations, and at the certainty, rather than the risk, of being bruised and sore? Altruism only goes so far...sex is for pleasure in my opinion.

izzyizin Mon 25-Feb-13 03:34:57

I debated whether to put 'abusive' before oaf, slouching but I elected to do so because what the OP has described sound more like sexual assault than sexual relations with a new partner.

plinkyplonks Mon 25-Feb-13 04:04:33

Do you want to make him better = stay with him
If not, walk away

getmeoutofthismadhouse Mon 25-Feb-13 07:27:51

I have acknowledged your warning flags and It's not a relationship I want to take further . I would rather be safe than "treated like a princess" . His moodiness and insecurities were a major issue this weekend and I think the sexual issues were just a sign of what was to come . And no, I ain't willing to tackle the problem when in reality outside the bedroom we were completely different people too .
I shall be calling it a day and taking it no further , the thought of having sex with him again doesn't fill me with much hope for the relationship and sex should be enjoyable for us both.

MidnightMasquerader Mon 25-Feb-13 07:52:48

Good. For heaven's sake, run.

'Treated like a princess' gives me the shudders.

saintmerryweather Mon 25-Feb-13 07:55:26

im glad youve decided that op. my ex said to me when we first got together that 'if you decide to start then not finish, you can expect me to be pissed off' and ge would sulk too. sulking is for huffy children, not adults. he was crap in bed too, like really bad. lifes too short to waste on bad sex

getmeoutofthismadhouse Mon 25-Feb-13 09:41:09

Oh you are so right , bad sex isn't for me ! if the sex was just the issue then I may be able to try with him but his insecurities are definitely too much for me and if this is how it was after 1 weekend I shudder at things to come !! Thanks !

BertieBotts Mon 25-Feb-13 09:43:46

Good decision smile Good luck with the next! grin

expatinscotland Mon 25-Feb-13 09:49:20

You're doing the right thing, OP. Dump NOW.

getmeoutofthismadhouse Mon 25-Feb-13 10:05:33

Thanks Bertie , I ain't long out of a long term relationship and I am happy single so perhaps the time ain't right so I will wait for the right guy to come along !!

Olgathebrickshed Mon 25-Feb-13 10:09:46

Maybe you should get to know the next one better before you have sex with him?

Great decision OP grin

Especially if you are happy being single, no need to settle for less.

Good guys DO exist, so keep your standards high and some day you'll find the right guy.

Be careful how you go about dumping this one. It sounds like it could be pretty ugly given his 'issues'.

izzyizin Mon 25-Feb-13 11:31:04

Away from the bedroom he's attentive , treated me like a princess for the weekend and over endulged me with attention and compliments

His moodiness and insecurities were a major issue

At what point do the above two statements marry up? confused

What you've described is a man who is worthy of being dumped by text.

As for the 'princess' shit; look for a guy who values your company and doesn't seek to put you higher or lower than him.

Abitwobblynow Mon 25-Feb-13 12:12:10

Well done madhouse for taking the warning signs on board. Good on you for protecting yourself.

Please be honest with him though - not in a mocking or putdown way but just say to him what you said to us (and that you won't be taking anything further).

Any feedback that porn is shite for RL relationships is good feedback IMO.

oldqueencrepey Mon 25-Feb-13 13:46:42

yuk. get rid. maybe think about what being treated like a princess involves and why you think this would be a good basis for a relationship? there are men out there who will treat you like a human being perhaps, in and out of bed.

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