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moving on with dh after affair

(93 Posts)
1983mummy Sun 24-Feb-13 18:22:23

hello. I'm new to the forums. for the past year, my oh has been distant. our relationship has been great at times, awful at others. we've been together nearly 11 years.

he has been very private, not wanted sex since august and reluctant to arrange anything in the future. I always dismissed an affair as I didn't think it was my husband's kind of thing and put it down to depression.

well, I finally found out last night he's been having an affair for about a year, by working out the password for his phone. he met her through work and for many months they just talked apparently. then in the summer they slept together. they've had sex no more than 12 times.

thing is, he's admitted that she's been like a counsellor to him. he didn't ask her to move in with him, but didn't not ask her. he said he told her he loved her, but that love was an infatuation thing, rather than a real thing.

he wants to give me space and see if I can forgive him as he doesn't want to leave me.

what do I do? I love this man and even when we had a heart to heart today all I wanted was us to kiss and him to hold me etc.

I don't want to split up, I just want him back. he's truly sorry.

I'm just so shocked x x

Possiblyoutedled Sun 24-Feb-13 18:29:46

I couldn't do it myself (I didn't) but many have and some are ok. There will be a few along to help soon.
The thing that concerns me though is what are the consequences to him betraying you like this? I know when it hurts you just want to brush it all away but surely he has no reason not to do it again.

Lizzabadger Sun 24-Feb-13 18:30:37

I'm sorry this has happened to you.

The usual advice is to ask him to move out to give you space while you think about what you want.

I think he's talking bollocks. Just imagine him still lying to you if you hadn't found out, shagging her (12 times, yeah right who counts?) and then coming home to you.

MadAboutHotChoc Sun 24-Feb-13 18:33:43

sad

The best advice I can give you is NOT to make any long term decisions. You do need time and space to process your thoughts and feelings. Also this will help the cheater realise what he stands to lose. This is why a short break is recommended.

I would suggest getting these books: Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends (she has a website) and Linda Macdonald's How to Help your Spouse Heal is a hard hitting but short book.

BamBamAndPebbles Sun 24-Feb-13 18:33:49

Do not just take this at face value and brush it under the carpet and carry on as before.

You found out. He didn't tell you.

You may well be able to move on from this but you need all the truth/evidence and you do need time and space to look at everything and get it all straight in your head.

You need him to answer any questions you have.

Take your time. Been there. Done that. And still working on it. It's heartbreaking and hard at times.

1983mummy Sun 24-Feb-13 18:48:11

thank you for your thoughts. I know it sounds like a rash decision, but although I'm sickened by what he did, I still love him and know he loves me.

basically he never wanted to have a baby yet and I think it just when all crazy when she was born. instead of telling me how much he struggled, he through work, found someone else, who was also having problems at home - yes she's married too.

I know he can't have met her many times as he doesn't actually go out much and he wouldn't have the time during the day.

what hurt me is when he said she'd met our daughter.

I'm just all messed up and probably sound week, but I just want him home x

Chihuahuas Sun 24-Feb-13 19:17:10

Hiya. Does her husband know? If not then tell him. Exposé them. This is important. If her husband doesn't know then there is always a chance they will start up again.

You have a lot of talking to do. You need to find out the truth. He will probably trickle truth you at first but keep pushing until he tells you everything. This may take a while and he will tell you that you don't need to know. You do!

Your husband needs to tell this women it's over Too. Make sure he does this by way of letter or email then make sure he never has contact with her again if he wants to keep you. You also need access to all of his emails phone etc. no secret passwords allowed from now on.

See how you feel in a few weeks. If you still want to stay together go for counselling.

I've been there but kicked my husband out then had him back. I won't lie it was hell but counselling helped.

We are happy now and I still think of it every day but it doesn't kill me inside any more. We've had blips since where he has 'forgotten the rules'. Transparency is the key. He should tell you where he is and what hes doing. Check in with you if you like. You need to be confident hes not with her And it will be hard for your husband to break contact with her. You cannot trust him at all at the moment. Remember that.

If you want to read his emails and texts then you should be able too.

Good luck.

BamBamAndPebbles Sun 24-Feb-13 19:28:53

Where is he? With the ow?

He needs to talk to you, not someone else.

How old is your dd?

Twattergy Sun 24-Feb-13 19:31:40

You need to take him up on his offer of giving you space. You need to get angry rather than coming up with excuses for him. Arrival of a baby is not a reason to have sex with someone that isn't your wife. You also need to refuse to be part of any relationship that involves three people. She is not going to suddenly disappear from his life and the whole time she's on the scene, even if its just texts or emails, you are being taken advantage of.Being lovingand understanding towards him will make him feel like what he's done isn't so bad. Telling him to leave will wake him out of his fantasy and his selfish life of having two women at his beck and call.

1983mummy Sun 24-Feb-13 19:42:06

he's at his best friends tonight.

I don't want to make excuses for him, I can't believe I actually am.

I've not made myself appear week, in fact I think he was taken aback by my strength today.

our dd is 14 months old.

he basically laid all his cards on the table and was very open and honest. he's deleted all her messages and said he's going to tell her it's all over.

he said he'd looked at houses a few weeks back for him to move to, and I found a text message saying she was looking at things for their home. he said that in that respect he has led her on.

I just am in shock. my friend did say to me today that it's better that your husband was having an affair when your marriage had problems,because it can be salvaged. if to all intents and purposes we were in a perfect relationship then that would have been worse x

1983mummy Sun 24-Feb-13 19:43:01

for us to move on. what should I know about their relationship?

BamBamAndPebbles Sun 24-Feb-13 19:50:03

You need to know everything my lovely.

Have you spoken to her?

muddyboots Sun 24-Feb-13 19:53:48

I'm sorry you are going through this.

I am going through something similar but have not yet fully decided what I'm going to do (despite months of thinking). My DH let the OW see our children too. He let her buy them presents and treats. That really hurts.

You are at a very early stage in your grief. It will be like a bereavement. Prepare to feel angry, sad, lost. I think what you are feeling now is the start of what I have seen called 'hysterical bonding' - when you just want to physically bond with your partner to keep the rest of the world away.

Ask for time, space and prepare for the worst. In my opinion, if he wants to continue to be with the OW then he will be (whether you know about it or not) so you need to be sure that he is fully commited to you before you break yourself trying to forgive him.

Chihuahuas Sun 24-Feb-13 19:55:23

Your not weak at all. Your obviously very strong. It takes a lot of strength to stay in a marriage after such shattering events.

You just have to take control of the situation and now and call the shots. Most Important is to see the evidence that he has finished it with the other woman and that he tells her they must never speak or see each other again. Don't take his word for it. If she replies you must see the reply and he must not respond.

Think about what I said above. Her husband NEEDS to know and you need to be able to check his emails and phone when you want too. He has to earn trust again.

Are you aware if be has any secret email accounts or Facebook etc. check your computers history.

I think there is a lot more for your learn about this affair. Like I said he will be giving you information bits at a time. Trickle truth.

There was no one more shocked than me when I found out about my husband. I could trust him with my life and he was lovely. We had beenz married for 12 years at that point. In the end because he refused to talk to me about it (said I was neurotic and got angry with me) I went to the other woman and spoke to her. She was a lot more honest in what went on.

When we went to counselling the counseller said I had not been neurotic but was Informatiin gathering and this was a perfectly normal reaction and it was helpful to me and allowed me to make an informed decision. If I hadn't of pushed I would never have found out the truth about what had gone on.

He would still be texting her and sleeping with her today if you hadn't found out.

I'm very sorry.

I wouldn't trust anything he says right now. He was looking for houses to live with her Ffs.

I'm glad you are telling people in real life, get as much support as you can.

I would get him to go for now - it will give you both some thinking time - and he might realise what he stands to lose.

Twattergy Sun 24-Feb-13 20:00:01

Big hug to you, I have a 16 mo and I would be devastated if the father of my child did this. If they were just a few weeks ago planning on setting up a home together, he wasnt leading her on, he was (or possibly still is) planning a life without you and with her. Sorry to sound harsh but you need to fully see what is going on here. The truth will hurt a lot. I think you need to face up fully to that before planning a reconciliation whilst he is still emotionally involved with another woman.

Until you know he has cut all contact you can't move on or survive this. For your marriage to recover the push needs to come from him, not you. He has to demonstrate he is sorry, he is no longer in contact and has no desire to get back in contact, and you are his world. Unless this happens you will not be able to trust him, and he may be tempted.

In a similar position I withdrew, filed for divorce, started looking for a new job, and a new home and basically removed DH's options. Men who have affairs often do so safe in the knowledge the wife will always be there as a back up plan. You don't want to be anyone's back up plan, ever, you are worth so much more than that.

Many marriages survive affairs (mine did), yours might too, but it won't unless you are the one calling the shots.

I'm so sorry he has done this to you. It bl**dy hurts. I'm a long way down the line, and feel that I now have a stronger marriage than ever, but there are still bad days when the hurt overwhelms me. Be prepared for that and you'll be ok. It is naive to think recovery is quick, whether you stay together or whether you split.

1983mummy Sun 24-Feb-13 20:27:55

with regards to the house he said that he's had ample opportunity to progress with getting the house, like putting a deposit down etc, but he didn't. he said that he feels that this was his head telling him it wasn't right.

he said that it's like the saying you don't realise what you've got til it's gone.

x

Xales Sun 24-Feb-13 20:33:54

If they work together in any capacity how are you going to know he has no contact. Is not still meeting her for lunch etc? You will never know how creative he can have been during the working day to fit in meetings.

As others have said the relationship didn't end, he is saying it will stop simply because you found out.

There is no way you are going to know in one weekend that it is all over, that he is really sorry and if you can forgive and forget and move on. Heck he hasn't even told her yet...

He was looking/planning to move out and she was planning on moving in with him. They would have had conversations about that. I can't accept the 'I didn't invite her to live with me but I didn't not either'. Sorry. They have had conversations about him leaving you at least and him leading her to believe he wanted her to live with him if he didn't outright say that.

He was thinking about leaving you and being a part time father.

I think when the shock wears off a little and this sinks in you are going to be white hot with rage and hurt. And so you should be!

This is going to take time and a lot of effort.

Good luck.

He has been lying to you for over a year.
He is claiming he has been lying to her too.

How can you believe anything he says?

I imagine you are in shock - and he probably is a little bit too. I don't for one moment believe that since this morning he has had a sudden revelation of how important you are. I think he is damage limiting and telling you anything you want to hear.

You need lots of space and time.

Charbon Sun 24-Feb-13 20:37:54

Well he's right there - but you haven't gone have you?

He has - and what's more he suggested it rather than you enforced it.

On the face of it, to give you space - but possibly to the OW, as a sign that he's moved out as promised.

Don't rush to attempt forgiveness just yet. You don't know all there is to forgive and it's not over yet with the OW.

You cannot know whether you can personally forgive, whether your relationship can survive this or even whether he truly wants it to and isn't just acting sorry to avoid making a decision earlier than he'd intended.

Take absolutely no comfort in his insistence that he was lying to the OW about his intentions. Lying is lying. All he has admitted to is the capacity to lie to two women at the same time.

I'm sorry, I just read the part where he met her with your dd.

I'm really shocked.

I would never be able to forgive that - and I think, in a few days or weeks, you will realise what a twat he is, and you won't forgive him either.

BamBamAndPebbles Sun 24-Feb-13 20:41:25

Damage limitation op

That's what it sounds like tbh.

Do you have his phone? Access to e mails/face book/twitter etc

Have you checked these?

Doha Sun 24-Feb-13 20:43:18

You cannot for one microsecond believe what your H has told you.

You found out and he is GOING to tell her it's over ie it is still going on. Her husband should know but it sounds like she would are as she really does believe there is a future for her and your H together.
As for sleeeping together 12 times---does he think you are totally stupid?????

I think Wostershiresauce gives some very good advice--you would do well to take a leaf out of her book.

Charbon Sun 24-Feb-13 20:44:48

That's another reason people like this vanish after discovery - so that they can cleanse their phones and laptops, all under the guise of 'giving their partner space'.

Meeanwhile said partner is left caring for a baby unaided.......

NatashaBee Sun 24-Feb-13 20:45:35

Do you think he's sorry for the affair, or sorry for getting caught?

Chihuahuas Sun 24-Feb-13 21:00:30

I know it all seems like we're getting at you but we're not.

We're just all women who have been through this and survived.

For what it's worth my husband still works with the other woman. I spoke to her and her husband extensively and we all put into place boundaries. She knew if ever she made contact outside of work hours I would smash her teeth down her throat and my bus and knew I would divorce him. I was lucky I guess as everyone at work found out about the affair at the same time as I did so I could keep tabs on him at work too.

It was sheer hell for the first year. But unfortunately husband wasn't in another position to get another job with the same salary as he has a complex job. I could have insisted he moved jobs to a much lower salary then we would have had to move and our marriage would've been under even more stress.

Then we had counselling. That really helped. Helped my husband more than me weirdly.

I no longer check his emails and text and hack into his Iphone backups but I did used to do it every day. But we will still have complete transparency with passwords etc. ie i even downloaded a key logger so i could really check on his computer history and check up on secret email accounts etc.

. I also made him give me access to his iphone remotely so i could see where he was at all times using the tracker. These were my terms and if he didn't like it he could move out. He was happy to do all of these things.

I know it's scary the though of all this but I think when anger sets in and you delve deeper into this and speak to the other woman and her husband things will be a lot clearer for you.

You will know what to do. At the moment your just incredibly shocked and wish things were how they were last week. Ie with you in ignorant bliss. They aren't though and you deserve to know the full truth for yours and your little girls sake.

I threw my husband out very calmly when I found out then 5 days later asked him to come back. I was scared he would run to her. I then spent the next few months telling him to pack his bags when the overwhelming feelings controlled me. It was not nice. My husband cried when I told him I wanted him to go and I liked it. I was in control or so I thought.

If you take him back you need to know everything and why it happened and then make up your mind. It's up to you if you keep him at arms length whilst doing this.

1983mummy Sun 24-Feb-13 21:01:48

he is definitely sorry and regrets it. he's definitely glad i know. x

Chihuahuas Sun 24-Feb-13 21:01:58

My husband deleted all his texts but I found a pc program that retrieved al his deleted messages. It was an eye opener.

1983mummy Sun 24-Feb-13 21:08:14

last night when I found out and confronted him he said there was no sex and that it was an emotional connection etc. I only saw a few messages because I only had a few moments on his phone.

he text me and told me he wanted to tell me everything and that he did.

Chihuahuas Sun 24-Feb-13 21:23:09

More truth will come out as time goes on. My husband denied a lot of stuff and I found out a lot from her. When I told him what he knew he said he hadn't told me as he didn't want me to be hurt even more.

A nice thought but is in fact called 'damage limitation' as someo e said previously. That's when I pushed him for everything. Took a few weeks and lots of fights but I found out (pretty much) everything.

I told him if I found out any more things that he hasn't told me I would immediate,y file for divorce. That's when the tears came. He was scared. My husband was truly sorry I've no doubt about that but the fact is he lied to me and had an extra marital affair.

If I hadn't of found out I have no idea where the Relationship would have gone. I think he was relived he was found out.

I never realised my wonderful loving husband was capable of such deceit.

Educate yourself on lying tactics. A website that I used was http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ You learn hard truths but the people will help you and toughen you up a bit and allow you think more clearly and recognise traits in your husband.

Chihuahuas Sun 24-Feb-13 21:24:06
BamBamAndPebbles Sun 24-Feb-13 21:24:13

You are defending him op.
Re read this thread.
I'm not saying you must leave him. Me and my dh are working through his betrayal. But you are excusing him.
Had you not checked his phone last night he would still be sat on the couch next to you with you oblivious to his betrayal.

Do some digging op.
Please do not believe everything that's coming from his mouth. Not until you know, as much as you can, that its true.

You need to check e mails. Fb. Twitter. Phone. Get ow side of the story. Check computer history. Everything. Speak to him. Ask him questions. Think about what you know and question if its plausible.

Oh 1983 - how can you say: "he is definitely sorry and regrets it. he's definitely glad i know."?
Two days ago, he would have said he definitely wasn't having an affair. He has been lying to you for months. He is not to be trusted. - Maybe, given time and a lot of work, you'll be able to, but not now.

The most atrocious appalling thing and the biggest betrayal for me, would be that he let this woman meet your toddler? That is beyond contempt. You will realise this too, in time. What a disgusting user. On what occasion did he secretly use your daughter as a weapon to prove something to his lady-fuck?

God some men are so possessed by their weevily dicks. Pathetic nasty little tow-rag.

Have you rung him tonight and told him not to bother coming home? I would. No matter how much it hurts you and feels like you are kicking this remorseful partner and husband in the nuts, do it anyway.

Let him know also that you are applying for an access order so that he cannot emotionally abuse your toddler any further by allowing her to meet his lady-fuck.
HTH

toe-rag

though tow-rag is just as good - towing his lusty nasty, dirty, oily-rag little willy into someone else. Then playhing the Nice Dad Poor Me I Love My Darling Daughter card to boot.

Arsehole.

Also, i wonder how much money he has spent on his lady-fuck over the last year? What did he buy her for Christmas?

And where does he keep the photos of them together?

bodencatalogue Sun 24-Feb-13 23:01:35

From my experience, I don't think you necessarily need to know to much more about the sordid details.

He's had an affair, you need to get to the bottom of why to be able to move on properly.

Counselling may help, although its very early days. Your marriage is rescuable if thats what you both want although I doubt you will ever trust him completely again.

Worcestershire gives good advice.

I subscribe to the 7 year rule when it comes to trauma, it took me 7 years to get over a very serious car accident and approx 7 years to get over infidelity (although like I said, you will always have your doubts)

Take your time and take control of the situation (although I don't subscribe to the more extreme points of view being given). Make sure he is showing true remorse, you are the injured party.

Good luck.

Possiblyoutedled Mon 25-Feb-13 07:11:56

But why would you waste 7 precious years of you life "getting over" something you didn't have to.
It took me under a year to get over leaving my cheating arse of a dh. We had four dc one a baby I had a difficult job and was getting over cancer.
I had no desire to waste another second if my life on someone who could be do cruel and hurtful to me and his children.
It's not easy no but for me far better than years if self doubt, buried anger and insecurity.
I also have my dignity in tact and the last 9 years have been an absolute joy not an uphill struggle to forgive someone.

scaevola Mon 25-Feb-13 07:27:24

You do need to start by working out if you actually want to reconcile with him.

For that is a hard thing to do, and possibly should not even be attempted unless you are both fully committed to the effort. It may take several months for you to decide. Do not underestimate how long it will take you to recover a decision-making capability after a major shock.

If he is breaking it off with OW, then ask him to do this by email, and that you see it before it is sent. No "farewell, my darling if only things had bern different"; rather "I have been cruel and selfish towards my family who never deserved this. I am going to do everything in my power to be the best possible husband and father. I do not want to hear from you again, and I shall tell my wife if you make any attempts to contact me".

You must tell her husband.

MidnightMasquerader Mon 25-Feb-13 07:36:16

If you want this to work long-term - and your posts reek as if you do - then surely the absolute worst thing you can do right now is roll over and totally accept all that has happened without a backward glance or any recriminations to him...?

If you do roll over snd simply sweep this under the carpet, you're green-lighting this happening again in the future, you're completely eroding any respect he has for you, and you're buidling up masses of resentment towards him.

It might feel counter-intuitive, but the best thing you can do right now, is come down on him like a ton of bricks, demand he move out and give you space and Not Accept This. It will also do a hell of a lot for your own self-respect if you handle it this way.

The dude's a snivelling liar. Let him know that you know he is, and act accordingly.

Twattergy Mon 25-Feb-13 08:25:04

You clearly want to move on from his affair, but what about him? I can guarantee its not just a matter of deleting some messages and him telling you he's sorry. He told you:
He loves her and is infatuated.
They are planning on moving in together.
He confided in her as if his counsellor.
They are having a sexual relationship.
This is not something he'll just forget about. I made the mistake of trying to live with a man in this state.it was hell for me and took me to the edge of breakdown. Please give yourself time to think about what he is doing before rushing to make things better.

scaevola Mon 25-Feb-13 08:34:06

It'll be the emotional bond between them that may prove to be the hardest thing to come to terms with, plus the newly discovered capacity within him to lie so effectively.

As she is married too, the infrequency of actual intercourse is plausible as finding times when both can absent themselves from daily life and have a venue will not have been straightforward. But it must have taken planning time, effort, and a sense of purpose to achieve.

Cazzymaddy Mon 25-Feb-13 09:07:42

So sorry this has happened to you- life will never be quite the same again but from someone who has been in a similar position I can say don't sweep it under the carpet- 10 years down the line- me and DH are doing what we should have done 10 years ago so I can offer you this advice for what has recently helped me:

Counselling (definately for you - and him also if he will go)
Complete honesty and transparency - see the emails and texts if there are any
Genuine remorse
Reasons for it- none that blame you as you are not at fault

Having said that, now that you know- it will always be there and only you know if you can rebuild your marriage with this man- my DH's OW never met my children as they were very young and always with me at that time, that might have been a deal breaker for me if they had met her though

BamBamAndPebbles Mon 25-Feb-13 09:11:07

How are you feeling this morning op?

CajaDeLaMemoria Mon 25-Feb-13 09:12:39

I'm worried that you are desperate to brush this under the carpet, and therefore won't get angry.

That's a vital part of healing, it really is, for both of you.

Maybe it would help to write down everything he's told you - both versions.

So first he hadn't slept with her, now he's slept with her 12 times. Were those protected? When? Where?

How did they come to looking at houses together? It's not good enough to say that he didn't explicitly ask her but didn't not either. Did he agree with her suggestion? How did they get to the stage of viewing places to live together? When were they going to move in?

Why did he introduce your daughter? That's a very serious step.

I think he has bailed on you a bit here. You found out he was having an affair and so he's agreed (after lying initially), so that you'll process that and forgive him for it. But what about the clear signs that show he was leaving you? He was making another life. That doesn't just happen. He was ready to shake your world to the core by leaving to live with her.

He's coming out with all the usual rubbish at the moment. I know you want to believe him, but it really is the standard "I've been caught" crap. He needs to get genuine and be honest, fast. And if he won't leave the script and actually try to put this right for you, I'd be concerned that he is still planning to up and leave, but is feeling sad and guilt at where this will leave you and so is biding his time.

1983mummy Mon 25-Feb-13 09:29:55

thanks for all your messages. I genuinely believe what he's told me this morning. the way he is now talking to me is like the person I used to know.

whilst he was seeing her our relationship was awful.i felt lonely and depressed and didn't know what to do.

he's told me that it's definitely over and that he will do anything to make us work.

I know what you're all saying about kicking him out and not forgiving. but we were like best friends too and have shared so much in our lives, we've been together since we were 19, that I don't want to throw it away. I know it's obvious that he was ready to. but if that's the case, surely he would have said, I'm sorry but I don't want to be with you, she's leaving her husband, we'll be together. rather than come back here and tell me everything about what's happened.

he's not blamed anything at all on me, saying I pushed him away or anything.

my aunt's husband had an affair and she stayed with him, they have 5 children. she doesn't know what's happened, but I've asked if she could come round this morning x

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 25-Feb-13 09:43:05

Glad you will be getting real life support.

I really would get Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends for you BOTH to read - it helped us enormously when my DH had an affair.

This link is also a good one for you both to look at as it gives you an idea of what he needs to do to help you recover:

www.wikihow.com/Rebuild-Your-Spouse%27s-Trust-After-an-Affair

I know how easy and tempting it is to take things at face value at this stage - you are shell shocked and want everything to be like before. However, everything has changed and you will not feel the same and never will - its an opportunity to look at rebuilding your own life as well as creating a new relationship with your DH.

He will need to do some work on himself to find out what was in him that gave him permission to have an affair instead of talking to you, counselling etc. This means working on his issues and character failings such as selfishness.

1983mummy Mon 25-Feb-13 10:12:24

thank you for that link. I've sent it to him. I've also kept a pen and paper with me so I can write down any questions and thoughts etc I may have.

he is coming to the house this evening to bath our daughter. after we will talk. he will then go to his friend's house to sleep.

CajaDeLaMemoria Mon 25-Feb-13 11:03:36

I'm not saying to kick him out, or not to forgive him. I can completely understand why you don't want to do that.

I'm just saying that you need to keep your eyes open.

Everyone always thinks that their husband is in the 1% that is telling the truth straight away. They never are. He might be relieved it's over, and he might want to be with you rather than her, but it should never have come to this to prove that to him. He has crossed SO MANY boundaries.

Just be careful. Stay with him, by all means, if that's what you want to do. But look after yourself, and make sure you are getting the full truth. He's clearly a very good liar, as he managed to view houses and introduce another woman to your daughter without you knowing.

Twattergy Mon 25-Feb-13 13:46:49

OK, I see what is happening. After a year of hideous treatment by your husband (basically him emotionally and sexually checking out of his relationship with you) you are so grateful to finally be connecting with him that your joy in that re-connection is minimising the reality of what he has done.
I do truly hope that you can together create a new and better relationship with one another. Particularly as there is a dc involved. I hope that he does want to choose you over her and is able to immediately cease all contact.
You sound lovely and caring and he is very lucky to have you.
But what many of us are warning you about is very important to keep in mind - you can not control his feelings for this other woman. Even if he tells you it is over and he wants you not her, he has still experienced a year long relationship of much depth with someone that isnt you. It was not a 'fling' but something intense and meaningful to them both - of course he won't describe it in that way to you, as he is trying to minimise what he's done.
Your love for each other can do nothing to lessen the reality of what he's done and 'moving on' means both of you coming to terms with what has happened in its full, ugly reality. Best to face up to that now than in years down the line.

Charbon Mon 25-Feb-13 13:56:48

Yes Twattergy I agree entirely withyour assessment and it happens a lot. The combination of appearing to have the 'old husband' back in the room in place of the imposter who's been there for so long, with the illusion of 'honest conversations' is horribly seductive and gets in the way of rational thought. But it's just a phase that will pass and then reality intrudes sometimes with shocking force, generating anger and depression.

I have to wonder why he is the one having child-free time and space when it is you who needs that more OP. You only have his word for it that this relationship is over. He could be telling the OW that he has moved out after all - especially since he has.

skaboy Mon 25-Feb-13 15:27:00

From a guys perspective, I'm surprised he's not begging and pleading for you to forgive him. Now its out in the open surely he will drop his fling if it means the chance of keeping his family.

From the perspective of someone going through the same thing as you, I would try not to see him for a bit and decide what you can cope with. I can't see myself trusting my wife for a long tim and have already beenb making old reaquaintances with friends for a support network if it all goes tits up, buying clothes, exercising more and doing things for me and me only. Even if we get back together I think I'll be in a stronger position mentally.

Its hard being the person who has to forgive, particularly if you're not sure if the other person is actually sorry or not. I guess to sum it up you really need to look out for yourself and your kids

Possiblyoutedled Mon 25-Feb-13 19:07:58

Looking back I think there was a time soon after that I felt desperate to stay together as the alternative was too painful. As time went by though I realised that the marriage I was so desperate to save was not what I'd thought it was anyway and that going it alone would be ultimately less painful in the long run.
I didn't want a future of mistrust and self doubt and trying to be attractive enough to keep him from straying.
It was just easier to call time.
In your case though if you want to stay with him I think you need to remind him if the consequences if his actions.
He needs to sweat a bit and as the guy above said he should literally be on his knees.

Chihuahuas Mon 25-Feb-13 19:52:42

If it helps. I stayed with my husband. But on the understanding that nothing was ever secret and he always kept in touch. I no longer feel the need to check up on him but I can do with no issues if I wanted to check his email texts etc. we have total transparency. Counselling helped a lot. It helped him to see why i had needed to know the whole truth and how important it was for him to make me feel secure again by being transparent. As I said before. It helped him more than me. My husband had what was called an emotional affair. If he had slept with her then I'm not the outcome would've the same.

newbiefrugalgal Mon 25-Feb-13 19:53:44

OP another one here who feels your pain.
I discovered in summer last year.
Still no further along today if we will separate permanently or get back together.
We've just had a family holiday and he joined us for last few days. I had spent some time alone and realising that I just have my head in the sand about what happened and just want happy families but the reality I am angry and resentful and I don't trust him.
I think my motivation is for the sake of the DC and that's how it should never be.
But I feel guilty and I am not the one who had the two year affair!!
I've just asked him now to give me more space.
Someone here on mn wisely made me realise that my relationship was shit because he was making it that way -he checked out emotionally and sexually. My first words when I found out were 'I'm not surprised' as if it was all ok.

newbiefrugalgal Mon 25-Feb-13 19:55:27

Sorry still me.
Like others have said give yourself space and time-he has been doing this for a long time you've known two days.
You are in shock -baby distractions are useful smile

Hugs
Hope your chat tonight goes well.

1983mummy Mon 25-Feb-13 21:29:52

he came round and we had a good chat for two hours. it was very awkward at first. I was very firm and he said he will fight for me. but we're both physically and mentally exhausted by what has happened over the past two days, that we need to sleep and eat.

I asked why he wanted me to have space, when he should be fighting to be with me etc and he said that he too needs space as he needs to understand clearly in his head, what made him do the things he did. x

Charbon Mon 25-Feb-13 21:34:48

Well he's only got to look after himself in this luxury of 'space' he's given himself. I don't suppose he offered to take your toddler so that you got a bit of free time to your self?

Sorry, this just sounds to me that he's choosing between the two of you and telling you both very different stories. He could have spent the last few days with her, for all you know. Even if you checked with his friend, he might lie and he certainly wouldn't hold your husband to account for all his movements.

What a rotten time you're having, 1983. You must feel exhausted.

I wonder if counselling would help? You seem so calm and forgiving of him. Do you really think you can get back to normal after what he has done/still maybe doing?

I'm not sure telling him to fight for you means anything if you are simply waiting for him to come back.

If you hadn't found out, he would still be playing happy families with his girlfriend and your daughter - how can you reconcile this with him coming home?

MrBloomsCherry Mon 25-Feb-13 21:42:42

Diddums. He wants space to think about why he did, what he did?

He's had months to think it over op!

I'm sure he's sorry.
Sorry you've found out.

I wish you the very best op and I hope he gives you what you need and want. But I really hope you're not making it easy for him.

1983, you need to prepare yourself for the possibility that he's waiting for her her to leave her husband.

It does seem odd that he wants to stay away when you want him back.

Chihuahuas Mon 25-Feb-13 22:31:19

Your the one who should be telling him you need space 1983. Toughen up honey and do it quick. He is firmly in control of this situation. He should not need space. He should be fighting tooth and nail to keep you.

You need to speak to this other woman to find out what's really going on. Find someone to mind your child and go and find her. I know your scared of what you will find out but I worry for you and what's coming.

MrBloomsCherry Wed 27-Feb-13 12:23:17

How's things op?

What a shit he is.

You carry his baby, and he starts eyeing up other women. He seeks out a woman in his work place, and he gives himself permission to woo her, to shag her, and all the time you are at home pregnant, giving birth, recovering from pregnancy and birth, coping with new motherhood, while he is building a relationship with somebody else. He has betrayed you, he has betrayed your daughter? And now he has fucked off and is sleeping elsewhere (with his friend, yeah right) to "give you space". What an utter shit he is. sad Sorry.

I would see a divorce lawyer and take some advice. Even if you dont act on it, you will be armed with knowledge.

1983mummy Wed 27-Feb-13 14:07:16

thank you for you messages.I've had a wake up call and realised that this man is a bastard. he's said that he doesn't want her, but doesn't know what he wants and until he does he can't fight for me. he said that the fact that he isn't down on his knees means he is confused about what he wants.

he's seen me cry, but has said he wants me to get angry with him? wtf

I think it's inevitable that we'll split. but I don't know if I have the strength, I feel week and like crap.

yesterday I looked at a dating site to think about whether I could ever see myself dating again and finding love and I kind of can, but where do I find the strength to get my life straight?

and how do I sort out the practicalities of seperation?

we both own our home and we both have good jobs, although I'm part time. how do I sort money, what I'm entitled to and our mortgage etc? please help. x x

Charbon Wed 27-Feb-13 14:25:51

I expect he is telling the OW a very different story. When people say they don't know what they want, they usually do know what they want, but are afraid to state it openly and burn their boats completely.

I think you should take control now and say that you are making the decision to end the marriage. However make an appointment with a lawyer and get some legal advice about your particular circumstances and this will strengthen your position.

tessa6 Wed 27-Feb-13 14:46:17

I'm so sorry, op. yes it is likely he has plans to be with ow but has almost convinced himself that he isn't lying when he says he's not sure.

Here's what will happen. He will appreciate you getting angry because it will make him think you're strong so he can feel alright about leaving you and because it will be unpleasant for him and help him out the door. If you are sad and kind or begging he will struggle because his guilt will kick in but he'll continue the affair on the side before eventually leaving having given you false hope. The only way you will either get over him OR him back is to detach and get on with an independent life. People are motivated by loss.

There will be times when you feel he loves you again, times when you hate him, times when he begs, when he tells you the whole relationship was never good. Look at the big picture not the detail. He is trying not to hurt you while hurting you terribly. This will carry on unless stopped. He is planning to be with someone else, demand to see their latest correspondence immediately and if he refuses (there will be lots) chuck him out for good.

Please trust us, op, you can see we're familiar with it.

tessa6 Wed 27-Feb-13 14:57:11

You'll be okay. Don't worry. CAB will help, also call you mortgage provider and find out what they might do, they deal with this sort of thing all the time. If you put this sort of practical stuff to your DH he might seem to back down, faced with the reality. Don't trust it. He's just freaking out at the consequences of his own actions.

I'm really sorry you are going through this.
I am relieved you have realised what an arse he is though.
CAB is the best place to start. They should be able to help you out with stuff and point you in the right direction for other things.
I've been where you are and it is tough. You do want to forgive them.
I tried but it didn't work. Him leaving was the making of me.
It was very tough for the first few months to be honest, but you slowly start to build yourself up again and your life will turn around.
You will find someone who loves you and will fight for you no matter what.
You can do this.
All the very best of luck to you and your DC.

1983mummy Wed 27-Feb-13 15:39:54

thank you for your support. I just don't know how I'm going to cope juggling work and a one year old! how will I find the energy?

I have no single friends, so who can I go out with?

will I find love and find someone willing to take on my daughter and maybe have another child.

and if he goes with this ow, or any other one, how can I come to terms with another woman being in my daughter's life?

Helltotheno Wed 27-Feb-13 15:40:48

he's seen me cry, but has said he wants me to get angry with him? wtf

Well of course he said that, he just feels guilty about treating you like shit, whereas if you lose the plot, it'll justify him treating you like that... that's the way he sees it anyway. It's just the guilt talking...

Don't get angry OP, just detach completely and get him out of the house, ie, put his stuff into bin liners and leave them in the drive. Don't engage with him at all except about the DC. Let him have all the space he needs while you get on with your life. He's just not worth it...

Helltotheno Wed 27-Feb-13 15:43:40

will I find love and find someone willing to take on my daughter and maybe have another child.

This is something I don't think should be your focus for now... also I don't think online dating is the way to go for the time being. Do you have any babysitting options? Is there anything you could join, book club etc? Is there a voluntary organisation local to you that you could help at in the evenings? It sounds like you were a bit too dependent on him anyway, or rather on your life with him. It can't hurt having a decent social life of your own...

Bluemary3000 Wed 27-Feb-13 15:47:34

Hi dh had one night stand last year and I didn't get angry. That to be honest with you worried him more as he didn't understand why not. I think it's because if I felt angry then some of the guilt would have gone from him. My dh told me about the night and for several months after I questioned him over and over again. I think to. Try and trick him.
I knew as soon as he told me that I wouldn't throw him out as well strangely it could have been so much worse and he told me and I didn't have to out I my own. Before that I would have said one night stand, affair throw the b@ggar out! I also gave my dh the choice to leave there and then, he decided to stay and put up with me dictating our marriage for a while. Things have settled down and we are back to date nights once a month to try and separate our working lives and the kids from us as a couple. I do waiver from time to time, but there is no more I track on his phone and or checking his emails etc most days.
Anyway my point is, is that you have been deceived and so as far as I am concerned you are the one in charge now and he should be doing what he needs to, to get you back and make things right.
I would be dubious as to his notions of having to get his head straight as that seems weird to me or it could be that he actually taking stock of what has done and realised that he needs to make his own mind up as to whether your marriage is worth it or whether he thinks he might do it again.
The two of you perhaps needs to leave it for a week or so and then have the frankest talk that you have ever had. A few glasses of something may help to discuss those more difficult topics. Good luck

I'm so glad you've had a wake up call and realised what kind of man he is.

Well done. Please tell your family and friends and ask for their support - this is his shame not yours.

Get a solicitor, cab, csa website, etc, find out where you stand. He is behaving like an absolute shit.

Charbon Wed 27-Feb-13 16:00:15

One step at a time.

The first step is to find out how you stand legally and financially. If you've got a good friend or someone who can help you with this while you're still in shock then all the better.

Then tell him that you've been doing some thinking of your own and want to end the marriage. Remember that this doesn't mean you can't change your mind later, but it's important that he thinks the decision has been taken out of hands.

Then detach, speaking to him only about issues such as finance, division of assets and residence. Insist he does his full share of parenting away from your home, so that you get a break.

In the longer term, your social life isn't just restricted to single friends is it? I'm assuming your attached friends have their own social lives and so it should be easy to share nights out with them.

You will manage working and caring for your son because if you insist your husband does his share of single parenting, you will be likely to get more time to yourself and breaks than is currently the case. You might find you have more energy and less work.

Oh lordy sad So sorry. It seems like people are being agressive here because they are a little - but for good reasons. They aren't meaning to be aggressive towards you but towards your H and the situation. But I know it hurts - btdt and I left MN for a while due to the rather harsh treatment I felt I got. But the harsh treatment worked I guess.

I didn't want 'space'. I wanted H near me to question him again and again and to witness my PAIN and ANGER. No way was he going to get off scot-free. I also needed him close for reassurance.

What helped me - short term, a list of questions, everything you aren't sure about, everything. Don't shy away from embarrassing questions and he mustn't avoid the answers. Let you see his phone. He needs to write a NC letter/email to OW and let you see it.

I do think reality might have set in faster for H if I kicked him out initially but I couldn't do it.

Long-term - MC. Find out the why and the wherefores.

You don';t have to make any big decisions now. You really don't. 8 months down the line I am feeling much better, I can see my marriage and my H for what they are without emotions and confusion clouding things - but I am not 100% certain we'll be together in a years time. But there is no hurry - he fucked up, I get to decide how long I take over deciding what happens next. I am in charge now.

Good luck xxx

I see you've made a decision. Good. But even that isn't final. There is always time.

1983mummy Fri 08-Mar-13 10:10:15

thought that I'd give an update. my husband persuaded me to give him another go. his attempts were awful and I should have know something wasn't right, but I never questioned him. then I managed to access his email account and recover his emails that said that he was keeping me sweet so that he could get his self sorted with all his paperwork, their new home etc. in the emails he'd said to her that he doesn't want me the way he wants her, and that he can't waste what they'd shared for the past year, their hopes and dreams....

I kicked him out and not spoke or seen him since.

I questioned via text that his not even asked how his daughter is. he replied saying he'll never forget her and it's devastating not seeing her every day. he then said he'd never forget me and that he'll always love and care for me.

how do I find the strength to carry on. I feel like my life has changed and I'm no longer in control.

I want to be happy again but I'm fed up of feeling the way I do. imaging them together and whether they do things that we shared.

from her emails she seems very insecure and I'm worried once she gets her claws in she'll not let him see or contact me.

please can people cheer me up x

JC67 Fri 08-Mar-13 10:30:18

1983mummy

Just to share my story - 12 years ago I found out that my husband had been having an affair two years previously when I was pregnant with our second child. I kicked him out for a few weeks but eventually took him back. We talked a lot, he promised it would never happen again and we even had a third child.

Then in Oct 2011 I had a weird intuition that something was going on - he confessed straight away that he was having another affair. We separated and he later admitted he's had numerous 'flings'. To this day, I don't know how many and I've had to rebuild my life and cut contact with him to a minimum because he's been so difficult. I was in my marriage for life but that doesn't work when there is only one person in the marriage and the other is just selfish.

The only way recovery from an affair works, I think, is when the person comes to their betrayed spouse on their knees willing to do whatever it takes to repair the marriage.

You might want to have a look at marriagebuilders.com. It is an American site but I found it really interesting.

How depressing reading mumsnet that there are so many women going through this crap. And so many children whose dads don't care enough. I'm sure my perspective is skewed but why does it seem to happen to women more?

Charbon Fri 08-Mar-13 12:15:42

So we were right then?

I'm so glad you had the presence of mind to check things for yourself. When someone has lied so comprehensively to you it makes no sense trusting that what they are saying is the truth. Thank goodness you found out that he was just using your home and your relationship as a launchpad.

Please make sure he isn't allowed to forget his daughter. Make sure he does his fair share of parenting her alone and that he pays enough to raise her. I hope he doesn't think he can walk away from her as well as you. If he doesn't contact you to see her, that will be his fault, not the OW's. She might be insecure, but if he puts that relationship before the one with his own child, the blame will be all his.

tessa6 Fri 08-Mar-13 12:16:54

1983 mummy I'm so sorry this is a terrible blow. But it is really good that you saw the correspondence and you realise the extent of his assholery. You must work towards full detachment and making your own life whatever you want and being kind to yourself. it is good this has happened earlier rather than him wasting even more of your time. You are young and obviously a loyal, beautiful person. You will be fine, You have a whole other life ahead of you and much of it will be better than being with him was. promise.

skaboy Fri 08-Mar-13 22:27:49

Dad here, going through exactly the same shit at the moment. My wife not even bothered to call the kids tonight after promising them she would. Unfortunately affairs like this one turn people into utter self-absorbed lying callous bitches/bastards.

Its tough but you have to detach now, look forward and make plans foir the future. All advice I need to take myself and I recognise how hard it is to do that. Good luck

Chihuahuas Thu 21-Mar-13 22:30:23

I'm really sorry to hear your news but you will get over it and be stronger for it over time.

Betrayed40 Thu 04-Jul-13 14:17:06

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

CashmereHoodlum Thu 04-Jul-13 14:19:58

Maybe we could get Justin Timberlake on for a webchat and some relationships advice hmm

TheVermiciousKnid Thu 04-Jul-13 14:20:56

Oh FFS, Betrayed40. angry Will you please stop posting this shite! It's obvious you haven't even bothered to read the OP's posts.

LisaMed Thu 04-Jul-13 14:24:14

I am trying to think of something nice to say about Betrayed40's repeated attempts to promote their website, but I think I had better say nothing at all.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 04-Jul-13 14:42:24

Betrayed40 is a troll/spammer.... have reported it.

Jan45 Thu 04-Jul-13 14:42:25

I can assure you he's had sex with her more than 12 times in a year. I cannot believe you are allowing him to stay with you, he's arranging to move in with her???????

You think you love him because you are in shock, just wait, you will soon grow to hate what he has done to you and that will kill the love, maybe not completely but I would doubt you will be with this man this time next year, if you are, hats off to you both cos once an affair takes place the relationship is always tained and that lasts forever, a lot of women accept it and even blame themselves; it's the worst form of disloyalty I can think of in a relationship, to me, it would spell the end no matter if I still felt love for him, the love will go, you wait and see but you really need to tell him where to go, if, in six months time you decide you still want him, he'll be back, if, of course, he actually does love you.

LisaMed Thu 04-Jul-13 14:44:41

Jan45 - this is an old thread that Betrayed40 has posted on to get exposure for their website. It's a bit pants because some women will be getting the pain all over again.

Jan45 Thu 04-Jul-13 14:46:35

OFGS!

MrsMeg Thu 04-Jul-13 14:48:06

'Men are such simple creatures' grin

You silly woman!

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