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I don't love him enough to be married anymore. I am a selfish bitch?

(57 Posts)
OhMyGlob Sat 23-Feb-13 18:56:27

I have just told DH that I can't do it anymore and I want to split for good.

He doesn't understand and thinks I'm a selfish bitch and says that he hates me so much now. I'm being selfish for not wanting to stay together to make him and the children happy.

I have tried, so hard over the last year to forget how I feel. I even went to counselling.

I can't make this easier can I?

HecateWhoopass Sat 23-Feb-13 19:09:02

Does he feel your happiness doesn't matter? That you must sacrifice your happiness because his matters more? Or that the children will be happy with a mum who is miserable?

you are just going to have to find a way to be ok with him hating you right now.

If you have tried and tried and it just isn't working, there comes a point when you have to say look, enough.

Your children will be ok. Don't let him use them like this. As a stick to beat you with. I am sure you are not leaving on a whim because he left the loo seat up this morning!

cronullansw Sat 23-Feb-13 20:29:42

Don't worry about it, if he's not completely fulfilling all of your needs, including emotionally, then you have every right to LTB.

Don't worry about the kids, or him, you just put yourself first. Don't bother addressing the issues that are making you unhappy, and don't worry about the kids having two homes, and being wrenched from their loving father each week, assuming you let the bastard get any access of course. Because kids from broken homes never have any problems adapting, and you have to put yourself first girl. You rock!

Or...... maybe, just maybe, I'm being a little sarcastic.

VBisme Sat 23-Feb-13 20:37:51

So you've just fallen out of love? No-one else involved?

Do you think this is the right thing for you and your children?

I am with a man who has children from his previous relationship and it is tearing them all apart that they only see each other 50% of the time, their mum now feels exactly the same (hates not being with the kids all the time) - but it's too late, she threw him out because she "didn't love him enough".

Be very careful that you are happy with the situation you are about to create, your kids may well have another woman in their life in the future, are you okay with that?

FeelingSurprisinglyCalm Sat 23-Feb-13 20:38:05

Ouch Cronullansw, as someone who us going through separation from my oh (not my choice) and is very concerned about the dc, your post stung. I know it wasn't directed at me, but it still stung.

OhMyGlob, do you feel that the problems between you and your h are beyond repair?

MimikosPanda Sat 23-Feb-13 20:40:00

Gosh, thats to the point cron !

izzyizin Sat 23-Feb-13 20:40:25

I have tried, so hard over the last year to forget how I feel

Why have you being trying to forget how you feel for the past year? Did something happen prior to that which you've difficult to come to terms with?

MimikosPanda Sat 23-Feb-13 20:41:37

How old are the DC?

Lucyellensmum95 Sat 23-Feb-13 20:44:13

Well you have just rejected him, i imagine he is feeling pretty hurt just now and lashing out. What is the backstory? Because right now it looks like you have had an affair in the past year?

Chubfuddler Sat 23-Feb-13 20:47:48

I've seen lots of your posts on relationships threads cron and I can only conclude you must be a man who is very bitter that his housekeeper wife left him.

You have no idea what the op may or may not have had to put up with.

HappyJustToBe Sat 23-Feb-13 20:53:04

cronullansw you have no idea what situation the OP is in. What an unnecessarily hurtful reply.

Lucyellensmum95 Sat 23-Feb-13 20:57:46

WEll no, we dont have any idea what the OP has been through, she doesn't say - it reads like she has fallen for someone else.

As a WOMAN who has some issues with her relationship i often feel i cannot post in relationships for support because the stock reply will be LTB i sort of see where cron is coming from.

I mean, what is wrong with working at relationships? I could list a whole ream of stuff that would have you baying for my DPs blood but if i was totally honest I could list a whole lot of stuff that I need to work on too. Its a shame really because it never used to be like this - i used to get lots of advice years ago when i was having issues and the responses were measured but now i don't bother because i worry that the posts would be biased towards the LTB brigade and i happen to think that a happy family home is worth fighting for.

TheOriginalLadyFT Sat 23-Feb-13 20:58:13

cronullansw you have no idea what situation the OP is in. What an unnecessarily hurtful reply.

This

Don't bring your own anger and bitterness to bear on someone else's situation

Chubfuddler Sat 23-Feb-13 20:59:54

It doesn't read in the least that she has fallen for someone else. Other than saying she can't repress how she has felt for the last year (she doesn't say about what) there's no indication what the problem is.

pictish Sat 23-Feb-13 21:00:55

Can you tell us a little more OP?

Lucyellensmum95 Sat 23-Feb-13 21:10:53

It is how it read to me - but i did point out myself that the OP doesn't give enuogh information and what information she does give makes me feel a bit sorry for her DH. I tend to side with the OPs but i speak as i find and that is how i read it. If its different then my apologies.

See, i read crons post as a post against the LTB brigade who will scream LTB if someone forgets to put the bins out

Chubfuddler Sat 23-Feb-13 21:13:36

No one ever says LTB if someone forgets to put out the bin. Except as a very obvious joke.

Sometimes an uncomfortable mirror is held up to our relationships by MN threads.

pictish Sat 23-Feb-13 21:49:46

No one ever cries LTB for forgetting to put the bins out.

Apocalypto Sat 23-Feb-13 22:31:08

@ OMG

So when you got married, and you said all that stuff about for better or for worse, did you mean that or was it all just bullshit?

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Sat 23-Feb-13 22:41:36

OP you really haven't said enough about why things have gone wrong for people to be able to help you.

TBH from what you've posted alone, I'm with Cron but I'm supposing there's much more to it than that.

TheSilveryPussycat Sat 23-Feb-13 22:54:20

'I have tried, so hard, to forget how I feel'

OP, what feeling was that? In my case I was miserable in my marriage, but thought I was depressed. I thought if our situation got better - more money, jobs, whatever - things would improved. So I kept trying to forget I was depressed, because I thought that was causing the problems in my marriage.

Long ago, I could have written the same words 'I have tried, so hard, to forget how I feel' about a manic infatuated affair, of which I am ashamed, and yet which took 2 years to get over, even though at the time I still loved my H and remained with him for 20 years more.

So what was the feeling you were trying to forget?

AScorpionPitForMimes Sat 23-Feb-13 23:03:02

There isn't enough information in the OP for anyone to make a judgement. If things have happened, then there may be real reasons for the OP wanting to end things. On the other hand, a lot of people go into relationships thinking the hormone-infused rose-tinted glasses will last forever, and when they don't, the disappointment sets in. Only the OP can make this call.

FWIW - I have been with my DH for almost 20 years, now, will have been married 15 in April. There have been bad times, we have talked about divorce and been serious. Our relationship has changed - his job, my job, the DDs, the loss of both his parents in the space of 4 years. We are now in a better place than we have been for a long time, but it has taken hard work, tears and a lot of painful honesty to get there. Not all relationships can work out that way, and sometimes it is better to split up.

OP, only you can decide how you feel. Is your DH still your best friend? Can you see your life without him? How will things work out with your DCs? Think about all these questions and make your decisions with honesty and unselfishness, and then it will be for the best.

TheSilveryPussycat Sat 23-Feb-13 23:06:11

Scorpion you sound like you found a good bloke - above all, one who was prepared to keep communicating honestly smile

AScorpionPitForMimes Sat 23-Feb-13 23:11:07

True, pussycat - but it did take both of us. I think it's because DH is one of 3 sons, and MIL was not prepared to be a doormat for all the men in the house that he has turned out the way he has. I'm very lucky. I think if your other half isn't your best friend - in addition to everything else - it becomes very difficult to keep loving each other when life throws shit at you...

How do you feel? Why are you hiding your feelings?

whattodonow1 Sat 23-Feb-13 23:15:33

I feel the same, I don't know I love my husband anymore. I'm not a selfish person and I'm presently with him for the kids having a better life but don't if i will be able to do it for x amount of years it will take till they grow up. I've tried speaking to my husband. He has depression which he denies that has taken toll on our relationship and I sometimes feel this has made me in turn depressed. He is not my best friend he isn't even really a friend anymore. He is never there for me when I need him. For the last few years I've looked at estate agents trying to add up if I can afford to get my own place. OP I don't think you are being selfish leaving. My circumstances are such that my kids have a lovely life with us as a couple on a material basis and they wouldn't have that if I was alone. Also my husband is a shit husband but good dad which also makes me feel terribly guilty.

purplewithred Sat 23-Feb-13 23:25:10

Omg - no, you can't make it easier for him. If you are the one doing the leaving then it will be hideous for him, whatever the circumstances. Expect him to be highly emotional and irrational, for there to be grief and anger. Batten down the hatches and don't sweat the small stuff and be as kind as you can without giving out mixed signals. Been there, got the scars.

TheSilveryPussycat Sat 23-Feb-13 23:25:27

whattodonow I managed to stick it out till kids were 23 and 21, and partly fledged. With the help of good friends and living in a beautiful part of the countryside. I also didn't realise that it was my relationship making me depressed, instead of my depression being to blame for my relationship, iyswim. We were together, though v on and off at the start, and major ups and downs, for 40 years (ulp), and I don't feel those years were actually wasted or anything.

Scorpion there was no lack of trying on my part, I did everything I could to make our life together better and to keep communications going... He refused to discuss anything towards the end, including our financial situation.

He wants you to stay make him and the kids happy. What is he doing/will he be doing to make you happy? the bus runs both ways. It can't all be one sided he has to give 100% also.

HecateWhoopass Sun 24-Feb-13 08:22:39

So, cronullansw

She's really unhappy. ("I can't do it any more" just reeks of desperation)

The only reason she would stay would be to make him and the children happy - although I would dispute the children would actually be happy with a mum who was utterly utterly miserable.

She isn't doing this on a whim but has really tried to change how she feels .("I have tried, so hard over the last year to forget how I feel. I even went to counselling.")

But you interpret that as her just being oh so selfish and not trying and not caring about anyone but herself and think it's ok to write a spiteful and sneering message to her?

She's spent a whole year trying to change things and god knows how long trying to ignore her unhappiness because she is putting other people first.

She finally reaches a point where her unhappiness is so great that she wants to do something about it and it's not good enough? What? She's not unhappy enough? Unhappiness is the price a woman must pay in order to keep her man happy?

What's the matter with you?

nnnnnnnnc Sun 24-Feb-13 09:44:19

cronullansw - one day I will be dead. That is the only way I can get away from my oh. Sometimes I can barely get through the day and only the thought that one day I will be dead and away from him keeps me going. There is no marriage in heaven. if I was with him it would be hell.

my oh thinks we are happily married. Maybe you did too before she escaped. But one day I will be dead and there is nothing he can do about that.

HecateWhoopass Sun 24-Feb-13 09:46:16

I have never come closer to crying at someone's words on here. That is truly the saddest thing I have read in a long time.

Jengnr Sun 24-Feb-13 10:54:22

What does LTB mean?

TheSilveryPussycat Sun 24-Feb-13 10:59:57

That would be Leave The Bastard, jengnr. This MN solution is offered in many contexts, some of them extremely appropriate, others in bathetic jest. Always worth including in one's options imho, especially if you would actually like to but can't see how atm - there will be a way...

Jengnr Sun 24-Feb-13 11:15:56

Thanks!

cronullansw Mon 25-Feb-13 08:23:37

Lucy gets it..........

As for the others choosing to criticise me and making sweeping statements about my bitterness because my housekeeper left me; smile

You couldn't be more wrong. Happily married over 20 years you know.

My point was, as ever, a parents feelings mean diddly squat until the kids are old enough to stand on their own two feet and that until then, you grit your teeth and fulfill your parental obligations.

Life isn't about you, it is about giving your children the best possible, start, middle and conclusion to their childhood.

'My point was, as ever, a parents feelings mean diddly squat until the kids are old enough to stand on their own two feet and that until then, you grit your teeth and fulfill your parental obligations.'

That's what my mum did, stayed together for the sake of the kids and gave us a miserable, guilt filled childhood in the process. It's awful growing up knowing your mum is miserable and wouldn't be if I hadn't been born (as an adult I can see it's more complex than that but that's how I felt as a child).

larrygrylls Mon 25-Feb-13 09:00:24

Cronul and Akiss,

You both articulate well the two sides of this argument. My parents were like yours, Akiss, staying together and arguing all the time. Far better for them to have split up earlier. OTOH, there do seem to be a lot of very entitled people on these threads who feel that they have zero obligation to work at a marriage and, at the first whiff of discontent, changed circumstances, slight misbehaviour by their partner or someone more appealing coming along, feel that they have the right to leave straight away.

The truth is in the middle, surely. A marriage is a big commitment and not one to be walked away from lightly, especially where children are concerned. However, if both parties have really done their best to make it work and are still miserable, that is the time to make a split as amicably as possible.

Re the OP, we have no idea where she lies on this spectrum as she has given hardly any information and then not posted again.

Chubfuddler Mon 25-Feb-13 09:25:25

No surprise really considering some of the responses.

Is it me, or has the op disappeared since her first post?

ohmyglob, are you ok?

Have you any more info to give us so we can help you?

cronullansw - at what point then does a wife become "allowed" to not fulfill her marital obligations?

When her husband rapes her every time he feels like it and tells her to be quiet so as not to wake the kids?

When her husband beats her every time she dares to disagree?

When her husband drinks all the food money and leaves her going hungry as she struggles to feed her kids?

Just interested.

Cherriesarelovely Mon 25-Feb-13 10:48:03

The poor OP has made it very clear how hard she has tried and how horrible she feels. Of course you shouldn't leave a marriage on a whim. That would be awful and indeed selfish but to stay with your partner for years and years when you are miserable (unsure how the other partner could be happy if you are totally miserable) is not healthy for anyone.

My relationship split up when my Dd was 1. Neither of us were happy. We had grow apart and wanted completely different things. Yes, it was tricky for a while but now, 9 years later, both of us are absolutely settled. Dd is and incredibly happy, well adjusted.

cronullansw would it really have been better for our Dd if we had stayed together, miserable and resentful?

MoodyDidIt Mon 25-Feb-13 10:54:33

no you are not being selfish

you are not happy, you don't love him

do yourself and him a favour and get out

and i wish you both happiness in the future x

izzyizin Mon 25-Feb-13 11:52:05

you grit your teeth and fulfill your parental obligations

In the face of emotional, financial, verbal, sexual, and physical abuse cronullansw?

Grit your teeth while your wounds get stitched up? Grit your teeth while your bones are set? Grit your teeth as you explain to sceptical doctors/police officers for the umpteenth time that you are clumsy by nature and are always falling downstairs, walking into doors, tripping over rugs?

Grit your teeth as you whack another load of slap over the bruises and swear those dc who saw or heard you being attacked to silence?

What alternative would you recommend to someone who's had their teeth knocked out during repeated beatings over time and has none left that are capable of being gritted?

There are one hell of a lot of assumptions being made here - have I missed something?

OP's opening post was very brief and she hasn't been back to clarify.

FellatioNels0n Mon 25-Feb-13 12:19:37

If your husband is basically a good and decent non-abusive man who tries hard to make you happy, but you have just fallen out of love and you are prepared to make him (and your children) unhappy for a while in order to put yourself first, then yes - that is a bit selfish. And any man who came on here with a story like yours would be told exactly that in no uncertain terms.

But just because it's selfish does not necessarily make it wrong. Look, I'm not sure exactly what you want to hear, really?

As purple said upthread, there is no easy way to do this - no easy way to break up a home, a marriage, to devastate and humiliate someone. But if you feel strongly enough that you must do it in order to stay sane then don't look for forgiveness or understanding, (from him or anyone) just have the courage of your convictions, and accept that you must bear the brunt of his bitterness and hurt for a while. It will pass. Don't be self-pitying over it.

Zavi Mon 25-Feb-13 12:35:48

I think you are being very honest, and brave, but - as you will have gathered by now from some of the nasty responses that you've received on here - there may not be a lot of support out there for you from other parents who think you should just stick it out.

I don't agree with the "stop being so selfish - stick it out for the sake of your kids - brigade at all. I can not think of anything worse then being trapped in a marriage "for the sake of the kids".

You only have one life. Make the most of it. Life is WAY too short to be stuck in an unhappy marriage.

I suspect your OH will not make things easy for you. May even deliberately try to make things difficult for you! That's to be expected and you will need to suck it up whilst he gets used to the change. It will all come good in the end when he sees that you are prepared to cut him some slack in order to maintain good relations with him in order that you can both eventually act appropriately in matters concerning your children.

I do think you ought to be honest with your kids though and explain to them that arrangements are changing because you want them too. You do need to take full responsibility for this. Your kids may resent you for the ensuing upheaval. I suspect that, as adults, they will respect you for making a difficult decision like that.

I admire you for having the gumption, and the self-respect, to acknowledge that your own happiness is important enough to make such a difficult change and I wish you all the best.

Beograde Mon 25-Feb-13 13:23:03

It's a balance, isn't it? I mean, the OP only has one life, but then so do her children - if a happy-ok marriage is in their best interests in their formative years, maybe it's better to stick it out. If it's an abusive horrible marriage, leave.

larrygrylls Mon 25-Feb-13 13:57:25

"I admire you for having the gumption, and the self-respect, to acknowledge that your own happiness is important enough to make such a difficult change and I wish you all the best."

This is becoming a very hypothetical thread but people who put their own "happiness" first are very rarely ever truly happy.

larrygrylls Mon 25-Feb-13 13:59:27

Izzy and Freddie,

There is a hell of a lot of projection in your posts. Nowhere has the OP mentioned DV or sexual abuse, or any kind of abuse. It is incredibly hard to guess where she is coming from but, from her limited input, one would guess that she has either plain fallen out of love or she has had an affair and is trying to get over it. Those are equally assumptions but at least fit better with her therapy etc.

Larry - I made it clear my post was directed to cronullansw, not the OP.

larrygrylls Mon 25-Feb-13 14:13:16

Freddie,

But Cronul's post was directed at the OP and I am guessing that she assumed the same as me, not that it was generalised advice that someone should put up with abusive behaviour. I think that you have to take things in context and not create straw men to blow down.

larry

What I took issue was this in the post from cron

"a parents feelings mean diddly squat until the kids are old enough to stand on their own two feet and that until then, you grit your teeth and fulfill your parental obligations."

And I asked at what point a wife who was abused may be allowed to stop gritting her teeth and fulfilling her parental obligations.

That's all.

Please don't try to read anymore into it than that. I was taking issue with cron, and the sweeping statement they made, not the OP which I have not commented on.

FellatioNels0n Mon 25-Feb-13 14:21:44

"I admire you for having the gumption, and the self-respect, to acknowledge that your own happiness is important enough to make such a difficult change and I wish you all the best."

Can you imagine anyone EVER saying that to a man about to leave his wife and children on here? Look, we don't need to tar and feather her, but we sure as hell do not need to congratulate her on her bravery either. This happens to marriages every day. You do what you have to do. You live with the consequences. You take the criticism on the chin.

cronullansw Mon 25-Feb-13 23:03:34

I never thought I'd have to explain to grown up, mature adults, that living under threats or actual violence is not a part of marriage.

cron - for many women, it is.

"Can you imagine anyone EVER saying that to a man about to leave his wife and children on here? Look, we don't need to tar and feather her, but we sure as hell do not need to congratulate her on her bravery either. This happens to marriages every day. You do what you have to do. You live with the consequences. You take the criticism on the chin."

Quite.

What she is doing might well be right for her but clearly it's causing a lot of hurt elsewhere. So, no, no bunting and balloons from me either.

OP - without further details I can't offer advice but I hope your decision brings you happiness eventually x

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