Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Dating Thread 43

(1000 Posts)
WarmFuzzyFun Sat 23-Feb-13 17:27:28

Here it is...

VelvetSpoon Sat 23-Feb-13 17:30:34

Oooh new thread!

Well done WFF smile

Juliette, good news re the plumber!

KinNora Sat 23-Feb-13 17:42:29

Ooh, that was a surprise.

I'm glad you got sorted, Juliette, how lovely it is when people are helpful.

OWW, have you told him that you're just feeling a bit fed up ?

Too right, that man is so kind. I was lucky, he is usually working night and day so there is an upside to it being Saturday, he had just finished smile

48howdidthathappen Sat 23-Feb-13 17:48:05

OWW I told Mr R&R over the phone. I think we both found it easier.

Western this is the new you who says what she wants and what she feels right? So he is asking you, he cares and wants to know. It's ok it you blurt a lot of stuff out, very unlikely he would run because of it and if he did, he would have run anyway. You could try the 'sometimes I feel...' approach if you are feeling brave enough.

OhWesternWind Sat 23-Feb-13 17:55:22

I am going to have to call him later as I have sent text which needs explaining. Or I will ask him to pop over maybe.

WarmFuzzyFun Sat 23-Feb-13 17:58:22

Where are our boys, messrs Voice and Bant?

I have been busy and emailed 3 men shock, am hoping a suitable man will get in touch.

I am counting Juliette's sorted plumbing as a thing to be glad about, plus the fact that I've just had a interested reply. Here I go again....

VelvetSpoon Sat 23-Feb-13 18:04:20

I couldn't have a conversation like that on the phone. Partly because I hate using the phone, but also because I am a bit deaf, and my phone cuts out randomly.

Knowing my luck I would bare my soul, wait expectantly for a reply, only to realise the poor sod got cut off halfway through...

Western, see how it goes. If he can pop over might be easier to talk face to face.

mercury7 Sat 23-Feb-13 18:07:01

place markingsmile

grinchie Sat 23-Feb-13 18:16:02

Hello again smile

I was going to catch up with the last thread but then this one started!

Can anyone give me a brief update?

Snapespeare Sat 23-Feb-13 18:21:53

Place mark. Nowt from nameless today, so I reviewed the hideous drunken text and it wasn't that hideous. hmm basically said I'd been reading ME/CFS forums and understood when he was exhausted and wouldn't attempt to pressurise him into blush 'intimacies' blush sent non-committal 'hope you're feeling brighter' text this afternoon and.....nothing am assuming the 'understanding' me, will get that he's exhausted, so not expecting a response.... Which is just as well. <shrug>

Ugh at laid-back people. They're confounding. We're possibly a bad match. Ia want to kiss him. Auuuuuuuugh.

<all encompassing thread wave/grope>

micshi Sat 23-Feb-13 18:28:47

Got a lunch date with Mr.Greek tomorrow. If I don't want to meet him again, WTF do I say? I've been with the same man for 19 years, so don't have much idea about dating, let alone OD!

WarmFuzzyFun Sat 23-Feb-13 18:36:58

micshi, the weather, the journey grin

Erm, look at his profile and ask questions about his hobbies/interests etc. Neutral topics, not exes, not sex, etc

Someone who is more successful than me might write a comprehensive list of safe conversation starters...<hopeful>

48howdidthathappen Sat 23-Feb-13 18:43:32

Velvet I thought I had done it face to face Wednesday night. In reality I had still been pussy footing. Thursday over the phone I nailed it smile

micshi Sat 23-Feb-13 18:46:28

I'm a bit worried about his English, it doesn't seem that great in texts! What I'm worried about is how do you let someone down gently if you don't want a second date?! Just so I can be ready!!

KinNora Sat 23-Feb-13 19:00:01

In my experience they can usually tell, mischi although that might just be me and my expressive face ( always gets me into trouble ). I generally send a text saying thank you for the evening, it was nice to meet you, and keep away from me, you giant twerp good luck with OD.

OhWesternWind Sat 23-Feb-13 19:03:10

If you don't want to meet again, Mis, you could do nothing and see if he contacts you - if not, then problem solved. If he does contact you, just send a text along the lines of lovely to meet you, nice evening, unfortunately no spark, good luck for the future.

lubeybooby Sat 23-Feb-13 19:04:11

Hello all, hello new thread. I had a nice time and <touch wood> I think things are a bit better now.

Mischi thanking them but saying there was no spark seems to be de riguer

Good luck though! grin

micshi Sat 23-Feb-13 19:08:16

Thanks! Very nervous about the whole thing. I'm not looking for the love of my life, more someone to go on dates with & more (when I've got to know them a bit better ;-))

OhWesternWind Sat 23-Feb-13 19:10:52

Am farting about on here cos I'm really scared about ringing LM.

mercury7 Sat 23-Feb-13 19:17:53

I feel like a candle in the bloody wind just lately, I really need to grow a pair and become a hurricane lamp! grin

VelvetSpoon Sat 23-Feb-13 19:28:01

Western would it help if we virtually hold your hand a bit? <proffers hand>

In the meantime - and I'm sorry to witter on about my own nothing-y stuff - I remembered a couple of things C said last night. He hurt his had the other day at work...he made a joke about being unsuited to manual work. A few mins later we were talking about my house (which is and has been a building site for years) and he said something like wasnt I hoping to meet some builder type so they could do my house up for me hmm. Then later, we were in a slightly dodgy pub full of big, muscly blokes, a few of whom might've looked my way (mainly cos I was a bit overdressed, and 10 years younger than every other woman in there). C said how they made him feel a bit inadequate, and he didn't measure up confused. He was quite drunk by then. I didnt make a big deal of either comment so I dont think he was saying it so that I'd boost his ego...or if he was, I didnt.

Don't really know if theres any significance in it or I'm just being silly and overthinking as usual!

mercury7 Sat 23-Feb-13 19:42:36

sounds like he thinks you're a bit 'out of his league'?

OhWesternWind Sat 23-Feb-13 19:50:53

Hand holding would be lovely, Velvet. Thank you. I did call, but he's still up his ladder with a paintbrush and said he'll call back later. I know I am just going to bottle it :-(

OhWesternWind Sat 23-Feb-13 19:53:20

Do you think he lacks self confidence generally Velvet? Sounds like the comment about your house might have been a joke gone a bit wrong, but the remark in the pub does sound like he's after reassurance off you.

Scrazy Sat 23-Feb-13 20:02:59

Place marking, might unhide on POF.

I got a message last time I was visible of a 23 year old hmm. If it was his pictures he was very good looking but no way would I reply to him, his profile said he liked older woman. He lived too far away grin.

Snapespeare Sat 23-Feb-13 20:06:22

Text from nameless. He has a cold. All is (relatively) well. I'm laying off for a bit... Not going to pester him, see how it goes. <insouciant>

western I got your other hand sweetie. No bottling. Sort it. Remember, faint heart never did shit. Confront fears, get them done. Either way, you'll feel better. Might not seem it, but you will. Be brave. smile

lubey <stealth-hug>

velvs the builder comment would have me a bit hmm oh I really hope it works out for you and cuthbert. I think a three week gap might be a good thing, give you some breathing and thinking space. smile

Scrazy Sat 23-Feb-13 20:10:21

Western, I agree you should sort it out now.

VelvetSpoon Sat 23-Feb-13 20:19:37

Western, you're not going to bottle it, not with me and Snape holding your hands for you smile sometimes things seem worse before we do them, so mentally we tell ourselves it will hurt and that makes us even more reluctant, but the reality is rarely as bad as we fear it will be <squeezes hand>

Maybe there is a bit of a confidence thing going on with C? I don't think the house thing was meant in a mean way, he has always been really lovely about my house and how nice it is (but it is v obviously unfinished and needs lots of work til its 'done') He made a little comment the other week when I cooked for him about how I'd done this lovely thing for me and he felt like he had so little to offer me...I don't know. Snape maybe you're right about a little break being a good thing for me. Glad you heard back from Nameless btw, though shame about his cold.

AndLibbyMakesThree Sat 23-Feb-13 20:24:13

Western, it was brave of you to call - typical that he was up a ladder! Hope he rings back soon and you feel able to talk to him about things. I had to have a tricky conversation with Mr C this week, and I found it really agonising at first, but I'm glad I did it, otherwise I'd have just kept worrying about things.

I had a fun day with Mr C and his DC, though I have no idea what they thought of me, and I was pretty nervous. Also, it was SO hard not to be able to touch Mr C, as I'm usually quite demonstrative. Had to sit on my hands at one point!

Velvet, it's hard to know what's going on with Cuthbert. It sounds like he's generally keen when he sees you, but you're unsure of what he really wants. Re those comments you mentioned, does he seem a bit insecure generally?

Pomegranatenoir Sat 23-Feb-13 20:37:31

Mr Irish is saying good stuff tonight. I was having a little moan about my ex and Mr Irish was amazing. Shit hope I don't actually start to like him!!! That would be bad!!!! Ha.

micshi Sat 23-Feb-13 20:46:56

Do you ever get fed up of being messaged, both of the men I've agreed to meet I can't really be arsed to chat to, that's not a good sign is it?!

micshi Sat 23-Feb-13 20:52:34

And it's annoying to keep being told how pretty you are?! Every time a bloke says it, I just think of telling him to F off (I don't though)! I'm not sure I'm going to get on with this OD!

AndLibbyMakesThree Sat 23-Feb-13 20:54:54

Mischi, that doesn't sound like a good sign. I tend to find that when I'm interested in someone, I love getting messages from them.

But having said that, there can sometimes seem to be a real spark in messages, but when you meet in real life there's just nothing there. So I guess the same can happen the other way round as well. Is there a particular reason why you don't want to chat to either of the men you've agreed to meet?

micshi Sat 23-Feb-13 21:01:27

Mr.Greek has quite bad English & Mr.Turk keeps telling me I'm cute and pretty. They both sound like interesting men, but I'm not sure I fancy them enough! I think it's difficult to know from a photo and description. I'm sure I'll find out when I meet them!

Mischi I like a few messages to get to know them a little, but after that unless they are extremely entertaining, I get irritated by having to respond. Constant back and forth, meh. Having said that, if someone was very witty and entertaining then it would be find but most aren't.

Bant Sat 23-Feb-13 21:02:44

Evening everyone. Sorry I can't do a more comprehensive reply to all, I'm on my phone in a karaoke bar in Budapest. It's fun and interesting, and Hungarian karaoke is sooo much funnier than British karaoke.

But fuck I miss my kids. I can only have them those days I'm back in England do I've gone from 1/3 of the time to 1/6 of the time.

Got to earn a living though..

Sorry for the wallowing.

Also the 'you are beautiful' thing gets wearing, its so generic. They really should be able to come up with something specific about you.

Bant wallow on. I don't blame you for feeling sad about not seeing so much of your kids, its a huge thing. Would it be possible to jump back and forth for the odd long weekend? Even if you squeezed in a Friday afternoon Saturday that would be great. Meanwhile, I think a loud off key rendition of 'I Will Survive' is in order grin

AndLibbyMakesThree Sat 23-Feb-13 21:11:16

I hardly ever got anyone telling me I was pretty or beautiful...

Bant Sat 23-Feb-13 21:13:36

Having said that, there is a gorgeous blonde smiling at my from the next table. Now I have that awkward moment where I not only have to make small talk, but do it in very short simple words, and even then her English may be non existent.

There is a very optimistic couple singing 'dancing queen'. It's cheering me up a little

KinNora Sat 23-Feb-13 21:13:38

Hmmm, feeling slightly tipsy, may have drunk my cocktails a little too quickly.

Velvet, he sounds a touch insecure and I agree with whoever it is said he thought you might be slightly out of his league.

OWW, hope things are going alright.

Mischi, the 'pretty' thing is them having a bit of an imagination failure and saying what they imagine might get you into bed .

Bant, I'm sorry, that must be awful.

OhWesternWind Sat 23-Feb-13 21:15:07

Bant, that's so difficult.

Libby so glad it went alright! It will be easier next time.

LM hasnt called back.

KinNora Sat 23-Feb-13 21:15:10

Oh I get ' you have such beautiful eyes ' -yeah ? Try being original, divvy.

Bant Sat 23-Feb-13 21:15:13

Juliette

I do already, I negotiated that the company would pay for flights, and I spend two 4 day weekends in England. I don't get to have them midweek though which I used to do

micshi Sat 23-Feb-13 21:15:15

Believe me it's annoying. It's like it is said because they think they should compliment you, but it isn't very original, and when it is said three times in just ten minutes of chatting, WTF do you say back?!

MirandaWest Sat 23-Feb-13 21:15:43

Just marking my place while cooking and having a coffee table made for me

StellaBrillante Sat 23-Feb-13 21:17:05

place marking smile

...wondering why on earth I am on my house in my lovely home on a Saturday night?!?! (ds is at a friend's and in mind I should be taking full advantage of it with some male company! sigh)
In a moment of weakness, I texted the lovely man (but not spark) that I had my 'first date in almost three years' with a couple of weeks ago. Problem with the an internal wall and I knew he'd be able to give advice...that suddenly evolved into him coming around tomorrow and us grabbing something to eat after. I told him after the first date that I am not ready for anything (liar, liar, liar)...not good!

Lecturer is confusing me: face-to-face he gives out all the right signals, brought up meal-date again the other day, offered to buy coffees, get me tickets for fixtures etc... I am almost certain that there is something about age as he made a point of emphasising (during face-to-face conversation) that in year X he was going XYZ and it was after that conversation (and a nudge from me ref. dinner along the lines of "you come up with a plan and let's go for it") that he finally decided to text me: tons of compliments, etc but it all died very quickly as he sent me a late reply with a 'good night', I didn't reply and haven't heard from him since - that was on Friday night. I just got annoyed that he kept going on about me being so stunning bla bla bla but wouldn't just get to the point and get a date in the diary for us to go out. I feel that he's 'stalling' but I have no idea why?! He's starting to seem less attractive as I really haven't got the patience for this... Any thoughts?

Bant that's very tough about the kids.
Get the blonde grin

micshi Sat 23-Feb-13 21:19:55

I had beautiful eyes from Mr.Greek yesterday! grin

StellaBrillante Sat 23-Feb-13 21:21:51

Hi Bant - it must be very hard but it seems like you've got a set pattern / regularity there which is important both for you and for the children.

Bant Sat 23-Feb-13 21:22:45

Also, gangnam style has been translated into Hungarian. I have learned something

KinNora Sat 23-Feb-13 21:23:24

See, Mischi, some men think we're daft ...

KinNora Sat 23-Feb-13 21:23:52

Are you dancing, Bant ?

Bant Sat 23-Feb-13 21:24:52

I am not. I am British, and not yet drunk enough

VelvetSpoon Sat 23-Feb-13 21:25:00

I get told what big eyes I have.

It makes me feel like the wolf from Red Riding Hood hmm

Or what amazing curves I have.

Which frankly is no better.

I hate all that you're so beautiful, you're stunning, you're hot blahblah. C said last night 'You look really lovely' and that meant much more than effusive meaningless comments.

I really have got it bad for him blush. bloody hope it works out...

Kin what cocktails are you drinking? I love cocktails. I've got sparkling water...tis not the same!

AndLibbyMakesThree Sat 23-Feb-13 21:28:34

I love cocktails too... but instead I have a cup of tea. On a Saturday evening. Oh the excitement.

VelvetSpoon Sat 23-Feb-13 21:29:29

Western, he will call back. he is probably putting stuff away and cleaning his paintbrushes (unlike my Ex who used to chuck his away after painting because he was too lazy to bother cleaning them!)

The hand is still here smile

KinNora Sat 23-Feb-13 21:31:46

Velvet, oh aye, I think some of them reckon that large breasts and brains are mutually exclusive.
I'm on M&S pre-mixed cosmos - vair nice and surprisingly potent.
I hope Cuthbert comes up trumps, fingers crossed.

Oh g'wan g'wan g'wan g'wan Bant, your saucy moves might draw Blondie to you like a moth to a flame.

Bant Sat 23-Feb-13 21:41:53

I have no saucy moves. I do a bloody amazing YMCA but unfortunately no one has chosen that song.

One more beer and I might do.

The problem with Budapest is that the women are pretty much all beautiful. I can look around this place and.. Hang on.. Of the 35 women here I'd say 3 of them were a 'no'. A 'no' for me is fairly common, below a '6' if you want to assign numbers. I'm a scientist , I like to assign numbers, which I know is wrong but you've got to have some way of deciding who to talk to. I avoid the 10s, focus on the 7-9s. I'd say I'm a 6 and a half, maybe a 7 and a half. It's subjective.

So. All the women are great. But unfortunately so are the men. Bloody bilingual cultured beefcakes.

Arse

Flipper924 Sat 23-Feb-13 21:44:04

Another beer, Bant? I think you should get drunk, sing something of Robbie Williams, and then try chatting up the blonde. Sorry you're finding it tough being away from home so much.

Don't avoid the 10s Bant, the 10s often get missed as men assume they won't be interested.

ike1 Sat 23-Feb-13 21:47:06

Bloody hell Bant you lost me there, love, bandying the numbers about no good for a dyscalculia sufferer like me...

VelvetSpoon Sat 23-Feb-13 21:47:38

Ooh, Kin those M&S Cosmos are fab, I've been known to indulge in the odd one or three

I really hope C does too. Fingers crossed, but what will be etc smile

micshi Sat 23-Feb-13 21:47:43

How long did you try for & how many 1st dates on average did you have to do before you met someone you wanted to carry on dating with?

ike1 Sat 23-Feb-13 21:48:59

See if I was there Bant I wouldnt be able stop making an exhibition of myself. You'd be sitting there thinking what is that 5.5 woman with frozen brows doing?????

Bant Sat 23-Feb-13 21:49:40

The 10s are usually being pestered by a bunch of blokes. That's where OD is unfair, it doesn't show you who is receiving 30 messages a day and who's getting 5. I'm modest enough to know I can stand out from 5 other blokes, but not 30.

The blonde, incidentally, is possibly a 9 and a half

OhWesternWind Sat 23-Feb-13 21:49:50

Still nothing. Oh crap crap crap.

ike1 Sat 23-Feb-13 21:51:50

Dont worry OWW...just try to relax a bit tonight.

OhWesternWind Sat 23-Feb-13 21:51:52

I am going to bed. Can't be arsed with today any more.

VelvetSpoon Sat 23-Feb-13 21:53:34

Western <squeezy hand>

Micshi, I'm probably not the best person to comment, I was spectacularly unsuccessful at OD, I have been doing it on and off since 2009. Until last November, I never got past a 1st date. I probably had 20-30 dates maybe (seemed like so many more!) probably two-thirds of those I would have been prepared to see again, but they weren't interested.

Most peoples stats are better than mine smile

AndLibbyMakesThree Sat 23-Feb-13 21:54:30

Oh Western that's disappointing. Did he know you wanted to talk about something in particular and that it was important for him to phone back?

Bant Sat 23-Feb-13 21:54:34

OWW. I'll give you directions to the karaoke bar smile

Bant Sat 23-Feb-13 21:57:18

Micshi

My first 3 dates were nonstarters, my 4th went to a second date with talk of a 3rd but she disappeared. I was dating for 4 months before I got to a 3rd (and 6th) date. She turned out to be scarymad.

Still single and kind of on the sofa after a 6 month thing on match.com

AndLibbyMakesThree Sat 23-Feb-13 21:58:34

Micshi, it varies so much. Some people will be lucky enough to find someone they want to carry on seeing on their first OD date, whereas others will have lots and lots of dates. I've tried internet dating several times over the years, and this is the first time I've found someone I like enough (and who likes me enough) to be in a relationship with.

ike1 Sat 23-Feb-13 22:10:42

Starting to feel a bit nervous now...what if I turn up looking like his mother or yet again I feel the urge to run as soon as we meet...oh dear...

KinNora Sat 23-Feb-13 22:17:46

Mischi - first date, fake phd teetotaller bloke, who had 'several interesting fetishes' . Family Fortunes ' NERR-NERR' sound effect

Second date, nice bloke, bad bad jeans, ex ishoos, probably would have seen him again (as long as he had different trousers on) but he was hiring the reception venue and I just fancied occasional laugh/nookie high jinks.

Long term correspondence with sensitive art teacher - wanted to meet me but I decided I'd probably end up upsetting him.

Ongoing correspondence with sensitive talent show auditioning guitarist who sent me a bath-time photo of semi-submerged non-descript genitalia.

Date 3 with sensitive ( are you seeing a pattern here ?) computer programmer and amateur artist, got on fine, I'm going to see him again so he can give me a painting what he's doing for me. Not feeling like shagging his brains out but if he can kiss, he may be onto a promise.

That's since about September, I do however have a terribly lazy approach and haven't put any real effort into it as I'm after a diversion rather than, hollow laugh, Mr Right.

Has Bant danced yet ?

mercury7 Sat 23-Feb-13 22:18:20

OD is great for cheap & meaningless compliments
cheap & meaningless because the obvious intention is to flatter you into bed!
i am most frequently asked if I am a dancer

is there not some theory concerning an inverse relationship between a mans IQ and his preferred bra size in a partner?

KinNora Sat 23-Feb-13 22:18:55

Come on, Ike, it'll be alright ( don't make me do Goldmember again )

KinNora Sat 23-Feb-13 22:19:34

Christ, Mercury, I'm fucked then

mercury7 Sat 23-Feb-13 22:22:17

probably a theory concocted on spurious evidence by a jealous flat chested women like me

ike1 Sat 23-Feb-13 22:23:00

oh and that horrible cringe worthy moment when you realise who each other is oooh god its all just bloody unbearable...then the waiting to see if they will contact you or just not wanting them to contact. What am I looking for anyway? I dunno...

VelvetSpoon Sat 23-Feb-13 22:25:35

I'd say that IQ theory is spot on going by most of the men I have dated hmm

ike1 Sat 23-Feb-13 22:26:26

mutter....I had a gp request my bra size the other day merc...OD gp I must add...

VelvetSpoon Sat 23-Feb-13 22:30:42

I have lost count of how many men have asked my bra size.

Worse still, when occasionally through boredom or whatever I have told them, I get asked 'no, they're never that big' which makes me like WTF hmm

I've also had several blokes ask if they are fake because I'm out of proportion.

I have had all this shit in RL too so it's not limited to OD sadly!

OhWesternWind Sat 23-Feb-13 22:31:45

I think he's gone to sleep (benefit of the doubt here). Can I send him a text about it do you think or isnt that very good? Might have to send him something as I have sort of got psyched up for it now.

mercury7 Sat 23-Feb-13 22:34:09

the 'sinking feeling' moment, I know it so very well Ike

the exact opposite for the 'oh yes please' moment when a certain person pulls up outside my place and gets out of his car

if any one asks me I just say aspirins on an ironing boardgrin

Flipper924 Sat 23-Feb-13 22:34:45

Right, so are there many men with IQs to rival Stephen Hawking on pof and okc? Because if that theory's correct, that's who fancies me!

I shall hop off the sofa, put up some full length shots and await the rush...

Flipper924 Sat 23-Feb-13 22:37:37

Velvet, love the assumption that you must be wrong because they don't believe you. Clearly they know better, perhaps you should check the label, there's a good girl hmm

Scrazy Sat 23-Feb-13 22:37:59

I've been asked by men and women if I've had a boob job. I haven't so I guess they are my best feature. I've been told I have 'nice tit's' many times. hmm

I've been doing this properly since October. No idea how many dates, maybe 2 or 3 a month. My potential dating pool is small and I find very few men in it attractive. Offers of second dates were rare, I've been getting more offers since I changed my approach and given a few a go but although most have been perfectly nice men, none of them have done it for me.

micshi Sat 23-Feb-13 22:44:03

Oh dear? WTF do men expect when they ask you your bra size or send you photos of their genitalia? Bizarre!
I did join POF for 24 hours before I got scared off & driven mad by men with no tops on (& showing off their biceps) wanting to chat.
This time I've joined Lovestruck for 3 months, but I can't imagine wanting to carry on this for that long, though now I feel I have to because I've paid for it!!

KinNora Sat 23-Feb-13 22:45:18

OWW, I reckon he will have fallen asleep, not sure that I would text but maybe you could write how you feel in a draft email, save it and then look at it tomorrow, it might have the dual effect of clarifying what you want to say and being cathartic so you can sleep a little easier.

Scrazy Sat 23-Feb-13 22:46:11

micshi, that's the thing with paid sites, you feel like you have to get your monies worth rather than the free sites when you can hang around and not date for months on end, if no-one takes your fancy.

micshi Sat 23-Feb-13 22:46:24

Scrazy, what's your reply to being told you've got nice tits then?!

KinNora Sat 23-Feb-13 22:48:06

No-one's asked my bra size, the girls are cunningly not showcased on my profile but they do appear to have a bizarre hypnotic effect in real life ( not on me, that would be weird )

ike1 Sat 23-Feb-13 22:50:16

I wear mine flattened in a minimiser bra anyway...I would like to be several sizes smaller...

OhWesternWind Sat 23-Feb-13 22:52:16

Should I send this text? In the context that he already knows something is up.

I feel a lot for you but I'm finding it very difficult as I don't know if it's reciprocated. I know you like me but I don't know if it goes beyond friends+sex for you. It does for me. We've talked about this before but I'm left feeling confused and uncertain. I know you are worried about getting hurt but I'm not going to do that to you. Could you reply to this please or i will be spending all Sunday worrying?

Bant Sat 23-Feb-13 22:53:05

Well I got the courage up to say hi to the blonde girl. She said ' ccchelloo, I speak no anglish' back, so there goes another possibility.

POF has everything from the chronically thick to a few brighter ones.
OKC is full of men who are out to impress with their very long reading lists, plus a lot of Americans of all sorts.
GSM is full of men who are quite bright, but have potatoes for heads and some are exceptionally boring.
MatchAffinity seemed to be full of men who haven't filled out a profile.

VelvetSpoon Sat 23-Feb-13 22:54:44

Western, I agree with Kin's advice about writing it down. Maybe even on paper so you're not tempted to send it immediately. I often find writing stuff out makes it easier to know what I actually want to say.

Mind you, I also rehearse entire conversations in my head, that often helps me.

KinNora Sat 23-Feb-13 22:55:04

I wouldn't, OWW, not tonight I don't think

OhWesternWind Sat 23-Feb-13 22:55:13

Bant there's a lot you can do without anglish having to come into it ... Impress her with your funky moves and beer drinking prowess.

Western no please don't send that. He may be asleep, and would be thrown by that. Leave it until the morning, ask him to pop over. You can then talk face to face.

ike1 Sat 23-Feb-13 22:55:49

Again I just dont know OWW I am an 'out with it' sort and for a detatched person I can be quite fiery and prone to outbursts so I would probably have shouted at him by now or broken down sobbing or something....

Bant Sat 23-Feb-13 22:56:37

oww it's too late to send a meaningful text tonight. Wait until tomorrow, sleep on it

KinNora Sat 23-Feb-13 22:56:37

Bloody hell, Velvet, I do that too. I find writing things down and then going back to them stops me doing impetuous things that I would have regretted.

OhWesternWind Sat 23-Feb-13 22:57:31

I am not going to text him. It will keep for another day.

ike1 Sat 23-Feb-13 22:59:04

ok then OWW I agree with the other and will try that tip of writing stuff down if I ever have another relationship.

KinNora Sat 23-Feb-13 22:59:15

I think that's the right decision, OWW

KinNora Sat 23-Feb-13 23:00:17

Ike, honestly, it has stopped me doing so many stupid impetuous things contacting Spud

micshi Sat 23-Feb-13 23:00:19

OWW, it's difficult to know. Some men are only able to put their feelings in writing. Other men would just ignore the text if they don't know how to reply. Or if you talked to him in person about how you feel, you might get told what you want to hear, but then he may not follow through with actions! Or he may just reply honestly!!

Scrazy Sat 23-Feb-13 23:01:20

Kin, I've never been told this via OD as I don't have my assets on show unless it's incidental grin. More in real life by people I'm sleeping with so although I hate the word 'tits' make me cringe, I just shrug if off and try and take it as a compliment, especially nowadays as gravity is calling. I don't like the word 'breasts' either so cannot be offended.

Bant Sat 23-Feb-13 23:01:43

Blonde has left with her friends. Now there is a 50 year old in a red sequin top winking at me. Literally. I thought that was just on Match.

Damn these funky dance moves. They get me into trouble

micshi Sat 23-Feb-13 23:02:10

JM, what's lovestruck full of then?!

Scrazy Sat 23-Feb-13 23:02:15

Sorry not Kin, Micshi.

ike1 Sat 23-Feb-13 23:06:02

There's alot to be said for being a toy boy Bant....the lady has just reached her prime...

I notice South Wales' finest is out in force this evening on POF...yum <noooot>

Scrazy Sat 23-Feb-13 23:10:06

Yes Bant, wouldn't you go older then?

KinNora Sat 23-Feb-13 23:12:45

Ah Bant, I bet you're like Travolta smeared in cougar catnip.

Ike, there's lovely now ( isn't that what Welsh people say ? )

Bant - I can't abide karaoke, so you have my admiration sitting in that bar at all, let alone for a couple of hours.

Sorry not been following thread this evening, had a chum round for dinner and was doing my best Gordon Ramsay/Jamie Oliver/insert other preferred catering bod

PS The cake was disappointing. Not quite soft enough. One of my best dinners though

Scrazy Sat 23-Feb-13 23:20:38

I hate karaoke too, voice. Dinner sounds lovely, would love a man to cook for me again!

I had a little nap on the sofa early evening and have come to life again so having a few glasses of wine, getting messages on POF from people I don't want to reply too. Not going to bed early as I have nowt to get up for in the morning.

MsCellophane Sat 23-Feb-13 23:20:42

Western - you have to say something, wondering isn't going help

Velvet, same to you too

Speaking with MrCM definitely helped, though I'm not much closer to knowing full story of what is going on.

Though we were chatting on Friday and I made a flirty comment, he said something about wanting to be 'here' (ie where I was) and I said of course, we're waiting for you to be ready - he replied I am ready

I have no idea if he meant ready to date or ready to shag so time will tell. I'm actually ok with casual but I'd like it to be regular casual

On a good note, LennyKravitz sent me a torso shot - OMG the man is gorgeous. I need to meet him and hope I can understand his accent long enough to jump him

Bant Sat 23-Feb-13 23:24:28

voice hearing the Hungarian version of 'happy birthday to you' was worth the time here. Hearing the rendering of 'I'm sexy and I know it' performed by two middle aged chubby bearded blokes, with the appropriate hip-thrusting moves, was just sublime.

I was a toyboy - my ex was 10 years older than me. Fine to begin with but it did become an issue later on. As a result, I wouldn't date someone more than a year or two older now. I know that's a bit 'tarring everyone with the same brush' but there we are.

Scrazy - this evening it was curried parsnip soup, followed by orange sorbet, main course was chicken in a white wine and tarragon sauce with sugar snap peas, glazed carrots and parmentier potatoes (with garlic and rosemary), and then cheese.

Scrazy Sat 23-Feb-13 23:31:53

Sounds yummy. I wouldn't date anyone so much younger than myself nowadays. Around 6 years younger or older is OK for me know. I say older because the recent ex was older than me but he was an exceptions so the ideal age for me would be 3 years or so younger.

Not saying I wouldn't rule out a fling with a younger man again, I've had a few and try and avoid the young ones but they look so priddy!

lubeybooby Sat 23-Feb-13 23:33:48

Scrazy hmmm I miss being cooked for too.

Voice that sounds lovely

Scrazy Sat 23-Feb-13 23:37:23

How are you feeling Lubey, do you think you will stay friends or more with TT?

Enough with the cougar references ffs. Just fucking rude.

Voice I know you have your reasons, not getting at you.

I'm not a great cook and my 'normal repertoire' is fairly limited but my best friend and I take it in turns once a month to host the other. Sometimes we try out something new before we might cook it for others. Tonight was a retread of dependables! I quite enjoy it, and making soup and sorbet is simple.

If I was a fling sort of person, I probably would fling with a woman maybe upto 3 or 4 years older, but think that's as far as it would stretch.

I would never use the phrase cougar or anything like it. Under normal circumstances I would never refer to myself as having been a toyboy if someone here hadn't just used it (so I referenced it).

Just realised I have nothing in my diary untl next Saturday. That's a bit poor.

Scrazy Sat 23-Feb-13 23:41:59

Did anyone say Cougar? I missed that. I don't mind the younger men on here referring to older women, we do it about men too. As in had a 60 year old message me ha ha etc.

VelvetSpoon Sat 23-Feb-13 23:44:36

Lubey hope you're ok (well, as ok as you can be)

I don't think I've ever been cooked for, not properly. The Evil Ex might've managed toast once if I was laid up with flu. Never had a proper dinner made for me hmm

Western, I think leaving the text unsent tonight was good, but I hope now having it clear what you want to say, and having prepared yourself to say it, that you get the opportunity tomorrow. Will be thinking of you.

Re C, I think I'm decided on having some sort of a conversation next time assuming there is a next time. A few weeks to work out what it is I want to say and how to say it, which is no bad thing.

Voice I know. I am getting tired of references to women over whatever age being predatory. Some are, some are not. I don't constantly refer to women in their 20s or 30s in stereotypes and if I did I would expect someone to say something to me.

Bant Sat 23-Feb-13 23:46:07

I think someone referred to 'cougar catnip'

There was a conversation about whether feline references were offensive or not. I thought not, other people thought so. Again, subjective.

Maybe I should raffle myself off to come and cook for one of you? In aid of some deserving charity.

Kin referred to Cougar. I don't have a problem with anyone complaining about old men or old women, its the stereotype of Cougar and also the similar one which comes up a lot on this thread that young men after older women must be after them just for sex.

Scrazy Sat 23-Feb-13 23:49:35

Yes Juliette, it isn't nice to stereotype older women this way. I might get attention from younger men sometimes but it's not me being predatory in any way, sometimes the younger men are though. I wonder if there is a name for them apart from toyboy.

Its the stereotype. Nothing to do with feline references, that is just the apparently naming convention for the presumed predatory older woman.

OhWesternWind Sat 23-Feb-13 23:52:44

He's phoned me, been on for forty-five minutes mainly talking about my dad but we talked about the other stuff as well. All is well, and all manner of thing is well. I've told him something I've never told anyone ever and done quite a lot of crying. I love him. He loves me. He doesn't find it easy to say but that is okay.

We are a right pair I know, I think we are quite similar in a lot of ways, both a bit screwed up but we'll get there.

Thanks everyone for being bloody brilliant today. Thank you.

Scazy unfortunately, I think the name for predatory younger men would be 'stud' hmm

Scrazy Sat 23-Feb-13 23:53:43

There is an element of younger men wanting to experience and older woman and it's not for dating, but for sex. I just laugh it off and would only chat to younger ones if they were interesting and pleasant with it, in RL I mean rather than OD, I just ignore them.

lubeybooby Sat 23-Feb-13 23:54:52

Scrazy and Velvet thanks I'm getting there now I think

I don't know what to think about TT really.

On paper, he's pretty much the perfect man. Tall, dark, handsome, clever, funny, gainfully employed, kind, responsible, likes cats, not bad in bed.

It just doesn't seem to translate to a certain x factor in real life though, apart from raw lust. Plenty of that but I like a bit more of a meeting of minds.

And he doesn't watch or think he would like Black Mirror, even though he likes Charlie Brooker.

Having said that, we do both seem to want the same thing on the same kind of timescale (seeing each other every 2/3 weeks) so, oh I dunno. A bit more communication would be nice too but that has been discussed (albeit indirectly) and that isn't going to happen.

Scrazy Sat 23-Feb-13 23:55:10

OWW, that's great to hear, so now you know where you stand, it's all good, so less of the angst in future grin.

Bant Sat 23-Feb-13 23:55:24

Well 'cougar catnip ' is one, there are other terms for toyboys.

Also, a male cougar is called a manther or a rhino. Apparently

Bant Sat 23-Feb-13 23:57:05

Oww. That's great, I'm really happy things are clearer between the two of you

lubeybooby Sat 23-Feb-13 23:57:11

Voice I'd go for some no strings being cooked for with a charity benefitting, definitely <buys raffle tickets>

lubeybooby Sat 23-Feb-13 23:57:50

OWW glad to hear all is ok x

Scrazy Sat 23-Feb-13 23:58:01

Lubey, best to see how it goes, I guess, if you like him, that is.

Glad you are feeling OK, what a time you've had recently and you need to have calm now.

Scrazy Sat 23-Feb-13 23:58:49

Bant or the old classic, a dirty old man grin.

I also find the term Toyboy offensive. No equivalent for men except Sugar Daddy and that is a presumed exchange of sex for 'gifts'

VelvetSpoon Sun 24-Feb-13 00:03:25

Lubey, maybe see how it goes with TT, no need to make a decision just yet, perhaps would be nice to have him sort of in the background for a while...?

Western, so happy you got your conversation and a good outcome. Glad you said all that you needed to and are happy with the response you got too smile

lubeybooby Sun 24-Feb-13 00:12:55

Velvet yeah I'm kind of thinking the same I think. I'll see him at least once more I think and we'll see what happens from there.

ChooChooLaverne Sun 24-Feb-13 00:34:35

Just got back from first date (in 11 years). Lovely, lovely man.

mercury7 Sun 24-Feb-13 00:47:29

I think sugar baby would be the closest female equivalent to a toyboy, even then a sugar baby exchanges sex for money & gifts

I dont think it's common for a 'toy boy' to benefit from the arrangement..then we'd call him a cocklodger wouldnt we.

these things are not really symmetrical confused

Scrazy Sun 24-Feb-13 00:53:10

Choochoo, any chemistry as well as loveliness?

mercury7 Sun 24-Feb-13 00:59:58

Juliette ' I think the name for predatory younger men would be 'stud' '
possibly, but I think delusional is often more accurategrin

Flipper924 Sun 24-Feb-13 08:01:53

Good Morning, Thread!

OWW, that's brilliant, so happy for you that the conversation was had, and you are now on a more stable footing.

Lubey, hope you're feeling ok in yourself. I think it must be hard to decide about TT at the moment, he's been playing a supportive role for the last couple of weeks, so chemistry may have been altered. Giving it a chance seems reasonable in the circumstances.

Are you off on a date today, Ike? Have the nerves turned into excitement yet?

Choochoo, have you made plans to meet again!

KinNora Sun 24-Feb-13 08:12:12

Good morning everyone, it appears that I've caused offence, which was entirely unintentional ( I had forgotten the * * *gar hooha from the other day) the word was used mainly because I liked the alliteration with 'catnip' .
I am contrite and will never use the < makes slightly camp feline clawing gesture accompanied by a 'rarrrr' > word again.

Excellent news OWW and ChooChoo, I'm off to sit in a corner and think about what I've done.

OhWesternWind Sun 24-Feb-13 08:13:16

Choochoo do you think you'll see him again? Glad it went so well.

Feeling so sad today about my dad, but there's a big part of me inside that's grinning fit to burst about LM. He was just lovely to me last night, really kind and understanding and listening to all my nonsense. Can't believe I cried on him like that, got horrible puffy eyes today. I never cry in front of anyone. Anyway, I know where we are with each other, which is in a really good place. I don't think he's suddenly going to find it easy to say how he feels, but he feels it so that will do for now. I'm feeling so much more confident about him, really looking forward to how things might go over the next few months.

Day out today to take dcs to see ex's family. Whoopee. Actually it's not that bad.

Think I'm going to start another thread somewhere about my dad as he's really on my mind at the moment. I can't believe he's been gone twenty years.

WarmFuzzyFun Sun 24-Feb-13 08:57:19

OWW, I am so glad that things have become clearer and know where you are with LM.

I miss my mum at odd moments (very intense longing), would love a hug from her. I am welling up just writing ^ sad so I completely understand how you are feeling.

OhWesternWind Sun 24-Feb-13 09:08:02

Thank you WFF, that's just how I feel. Thought it would be better after twenty years but nothing can fill that hole.

The thing with LM is that I know and understand why he's like he is, and now I know that he loves me and isn't just using me for sex, or as a stopgap, or whatever, I'm okay with that. I'd love all the romance and stuff but that is going to be down the road a bit. He's coming to trust me and realise that I'm not a liar, not a cheat, not just after his money etc etc. We're both in our forties and there are hang overs for both of us from our last relationships, but I really feel that we can work this out. I think I've got something really good with this man.

WarmFuzzyFun Sun 24-Feb-13 09:16:28

It sounds lovely O, it really is what we all want, the letting down of barriers and being able to see a future with someone else. I wish you every good thing with him OWW. (Please don't leave ussmile, we need you)

ChooChooLaverne Sun 24-Feb-13 09:17:44

Morning all. Ow, my head. Drinking on an empty stomach is not a good idea, especially for a lightweight like me.

I can't believe how scared I was about going on last night's date - think I'd built it up into such a big thing in my head because after all the last person I went on a date with was my ex-H. Anyway, date was a really lovely guy and I haven't laughed so much in ages. He was a real gentleman (not something I've ever experienced) and wouldn't let me pay for anything and just said that the evening was his treat. Tall, handsome and interesting. But, I'm not sure about chemistry. Still, if nothing else I think I've probably made a new friend.

I will definitely see him again and see if anything comes of it. He's texted this morning and has mentioned doing something with less alcohol next time.

OWW - sounds like your chat with LM went exactly how it should have done. It's so good to be able to open up to someone and trust that they can cope with it. I think I'd be exactly the same as you about being scared though - my ex always got cross with me if I ever dared cry in front of him and I've definitely built up a bit of a barrier about showing 'weakness'. But LM sounds very kind.

DS is due home in about an hour so need to try and make myself look more human - don't want to scare him!

WarmFuzzyFun Sun 24-Feb-13 09:20:21

'but nothing can fill that hole. ' Because they were good parents and good people, who loved us. And we loved them back like only a child can.

I will go and find your thread OWW

KirstyWirsty Sun 24-Feb-13 09:23:26

Morning!! Just marking my spot .. Had a lovely first night in my new place with Mr Cheeky on Friday .. He made dinner .. Although we didn't get to eat until nearly midnight as we were busy christening rooms .. Kitchen first!! grin

He is absolutely amazing .. I told him that I love him .. I am a bit scared about the whole thing ( although it was easier because he has already told me more than once that he's in love with me)

ike1 Sun 24-Feb-13 10:06:50

Morning my little lovers! Sorry about the use of Toy boy last night.

Off to town, in a bit, to carry on the search for an eye bag concealer that will make me look like I have slept. Laters, dudes and dudettes.

ike1 Sun 24-Feb-13 10:08:32

Flip....I will try to get excited....but feeling the inevitable doom about it...sigh..

ChooChooLaverne Sun 24-Feb-13 10:12:59

ike - let us know about the eye bag concealer if you find a good one - was horrified when looked in mirror last night at extent of bags/wrinkles.

AndLibbyMakesThree Sun 24-Feb-13 10:34:30

Does anyone know any good make-up for sensitive skin? (I have dry skin, eczema, rosacea ... the list seems endless). I haven't worn much make-up in the past, but I seem to have aged hugely in the last few months, and don't think I can get away with it any longer.

I also found my first grey hair this week. It was surprisingly upsetting.

AndLibbyMakesThree Sun 24-Feb-13 10:48:13

OWW, I'm so glad LM phoned and that all is well. It's made me feel so happy reading your update this morning,

Lubey, thinking of you and glad you seem to be feeling just slightly better.

ChooChoo, sometimes chemistry takes a while to develop. When I first met Mr C, I liked him and found him interesting, but wasn't sure if the chemistry/attraction was really there. Then something indefinable changed... When's your second date going to be?

mercury7 Sun 24-Feb-13 10:50:14

Libby, I'm sure you'll find plenty of recommendations in the beauty section, I have quite dry/sensitive skin, quite like bobby brown, generally I wear layer upon layer of foundation & sunscreen combined with large dark glasses to prevent squinting (gives you wrinkles)
I maintain that it provides a protective layer, keeps out the wind and the UV light grin

find pure potions skin salvation good for eczema, although I keep hydrocortisone on hand in case of a really bad flare up

Snapespeare Sun 24-Feb-13 10:56:00

oww I am absolutely delighted for you! Glad the chat went well. smile

I'm having a couple of days of not first-contacting nameless. I am creating a space in which to be missed..and keeping busy elsewhere.

libby I found my first grey hair when I was thirty (while pregnant with DS1. I do not regard this as coincidence) dyed it dark brown for years, am now going for very light blonde highlights around face to cultivate growing it out to badger-wings, which I have convinced myself are stylish. Make up wise I generally only use base, bit of highlighter, very light eye make up and mascara. In an ideal situation I use Chanel vitaluminere, but have emergency everyday max factor 3in1. If you're not used to wearing much make-up I'd very strongly suggest a trip to a major department store and book an appointment with a name up counter of your choice - I do really like Chanel, it is hideously hideously expensive...but they managed to cover my roscea without leaving me looking clown-like.

VelvetSpoon Sun 24-Feb-13 11:05:08

I found my first grey hair when I was 19 shock I have 100s of the things now...

Choochoo sounds like a good first date. Sometimes you need to give these things a little time to build, as Libby said.

Western so pleased for you smile I understand the other stuff though, having lost both my parents, will have a look for your other thread.

I had a dream about Cuthbert last night (clearly for my brain it is not enough that I spend all day thinking about him hmm ). I text him last night, he hasn't replied yet (of course!). I really hope I'm not on a completely different page to him about all this.

Good luck to those with dates today. I am helping my friend with wedding admin...probably the closest I will ever come to planning a wedding!

lubeybooby Sun 24-Feb-13 11:28:29

Oh god grey hairs. I found my first proper on at about 26. They were not really noticeable or lots of them til I turned 30 though. Now I just do my roots every 4/6 weeks and redye totally every 3 months ish so so I don't have to be confronted with their glaring obviousness anymore. Sod that!

KinNora Sun 24-Feb-13 11:29:33

Snape, there are rumours that Bourjois cosmetics are very similar to Chanel, Healthy Mix foundation is supposed to be very similar to Viatalumiere ( can't say myself as both Chanel & Bourjois are too yellow based for me ).

Good luck, Ike and how lovely for all those who are loved up, you deserve it.
I'm travelling back down south with a very heavy heart as always. Bag o shite.

AndLibbyMakesThree Sun 24-Feb-13 11:38:19

Mercury, I didn't realise there was a beauty section on MN (am too addicted to this thread) - will have a look there.

OWW, I'm thinking of you. I lost my mum a few years ago, and sometimes it's still very hard.

Velvet, my only involvement in weddings has been other people's too.

Snape, yes, I was thinking of going to one of the beauty counters, but just wasn't sure which one to choose. Perhaps I'll give Chanel a try, and hope people are feeling very generous when it's my birthday. I think I need to do something urgently, though - apparently the only question Mr C's DC asked after they'd met me yesterday was how old I was - am now worried they might think I'm a long-lost granny or something.

AndLibbyMakesThree Sun 24-Feb-13 11:41:32

Aw Kin, is there any way you could move back up north if you're happier there?

I seem to remember my sister raving about Bourjois cosmetics - will investigate further.

Re grey hairs, it's just struck me that I've dyed my hair for years and years, and only stopped a few months ago. So in fact the grey hairs may have been there for years but I was blissfully unaware of them.

I don't have any grey hairs yet and am hoping it'll be a while yet as neither of my parents started to go greyish until late 50s and dad still hardly any.

Eyes however - my under eyes have always been very purple and tired-like, no matter what.

Snapespeare Sun 24-Feb-13 11:50:15

Yes DD, who is absolute font of all cosmetic knowledge says bourgeois very similar to Chanel. smile

luckybun Sun 24-Feb-13 11:51:44

Eeeeek t minus two hours till first date in 8 years!! Actually terrified! A d excited and nervous and butterflies and geek sick arrrrrrgghhhhh!!!

luckybun Sun 24-Feb-13 11:52:16

Feel sick - geek sick sounds revolting!!

mercury7 Sun 24-Feb-13 11:53:20

I've dyed my hair since I was about 15, I'll stop when it's all silversmile

lubeybooby Sun 24-Feb-13 11:55:59

I do love Bourjois stuff, I get the least irritation with it (eyes are very sensitive)

Voice you lucky thing. I have the grey hairs and the under eye purpleness <sob>

Scrazy Sun 24-Feb-13 12:02:14

Good luck with the dates today, look forward to an update.

Velvet, dreaming and thinking about him all day? You have it bad, girl grin. I still think about the recent ex constantly even though it's been two months. I was in deeper than I thought, I can usually pick myself up much quicker.

Scrazy Sun 24-Feb-13 12:06:58

I only had to start dyeing my hair around 3 years a go, fortunately I haven't got many greys.

Flipper924 Sun 24-Feb-13 12:15:22

I found my first grey hair exactly a month before my 30th birthday. There's quite a few more now, but they get coloured regularly. I hate hate hate them. I lived with oily skin and spots throughout my teenage years and beyond, but I remember being told once that I would appreciate it later as oily skin tends not to age so quickly. That does seem to be paying off now, except for the days when I look in the mirror and see spots and wrinkles. Then I cry.

As you ladies seem to be in the know, how do I stop my eyeliner sliding down my face?

Kin that corner is probably a bit crowded grin, 'twas the power of alliteration override.

Libby I've always found SpaceNK reliable for finding what is right with a range of products. Again, the products can be very expensive so I tend to go for advice and just my base. I sometimes have osacea and find the drnicklowe range of moisturisers (in Boots) work without aggravating it.

lubeybooby Sun 24-Feb-13 12:22:01

Flipper I use gel eyeliner.. it's much more water/oil proof and doesn't slide off like kohl or eyeshadow. If I run out I use waterproof mascara with a fine brush dipped in it.

lubeybooby Sun 24-Feb-13 12:26:48

I am feeling much much better today btw. More like myself and ready to get back on with everything and RARRRR and all that. Lubes is back!

KinNora Sun 24-Feb-13 12:29:28

Juliette - grin.
I freakin' love Space NK but try to limit my exposure, otherwise I would be penniless but with fab-u-larse skin. The thought of Space NK has lifted my mood slightly - that's how shallow I am.

Flipper, one of the best eyeliners I've ever used is Avon Supershock, and it's dead cheap. More expensive are Urban Decay 24/7 - they go nowhere once on.

KinNora Sun 24-Feb-13 12:30:53

Excellent news, Lubey, x

Scattylatte Sun 24-Feb-13 12:32:14

i sport a lovely yellow and white bleached blonde look so ive no idea if im grey.

going to check out borjious

hope everyone has a calm day.

so glad are feeling better lubey

Snapespeare Sun 24-Feb-13 12:38:27

lubey very glad to hear it! smile

AndLibbyMakesThree Sun 24-Feb-13 12:48:52

That's great Lubey. And thanks to everyone for the make-up tips - will check them out this week.

ChooChooLaverne Sun 24-Feb-13 12:54:59

luckybun good luck with date. I felt exactly like that yesterday, thought I was going to have a heart attack as I was so scared, and it was fine. You will be ok I promise!

Lubey good to see you on your way grin

luckybun Sun 24-Feb-13 13:22:48

thanks choo choo leaving in 5...... must not talk too much must not talk too much......... x

lubeybooby Sun 24-Feb-13 13:30:33

Thanks, I had forgotten what normal and ok feel like I think until today!

Flipper924 Sun 24-Feb-13 14:17:25

Good luck, Lucky!

EternalRose Sun 24-Feb-13 14:50:27

lubey Glad you are feeling better

snape I think you are doing the right thing letting nameless contact you first for a bit, hope he sets up another meeting soon so you can unleash the powah of the vaginah, bloody love that saying of yours!

oww I am so happy your talk went ok, I knew it was going to be though. I felt it in me bones.

choo Glad you had a good first date.

kirstywirsty yay for new house christening grin

Love is really in the air on this thread...

So, I probably wont start properly dating for quite a while yet as I want to get my head in the right place first. So, I will continue to live through all of you. Although I have been thinking about the age of the man I want to date in the fure . I am 26, and have always gone out with older men (soon-to-be-ex is 39) There is no way in hell I could go out with someone 21 years old, I would feel like their big sister confused. I need to pick a maximum age range and stick to it I think.

EternalRose Sun 24-Feb-13 14:51:14

future, not fure.

Bant Sun 24-Feb-13 15:31:37

Interesting story about online dating scams

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-21366326

Bant I'm surprised but I shouldn't be given what else goes on. You said yourself recently that when you were about to leave a site you suddenly got a lot of messages and were a bit suspicious. Maybe it was a last chance rush or possibly they start to 'feature' people more when they know they are due to leave.

Scrazy Sun 24-Feb-13 16:37:31

It doesn't surprise me in the least. POF use models to try and entice you over to paid sites. I suspect it's mainly men who get sucked in by this somehow, although you hear about women getting conned. I cannot imagine that happening to me and others on this thread.

Yes, not surprised at all. Most people I know who've used paid sites have suddenly received messages once a subscription has run out to try and get you back in.

Even free sites seem to have them. Other than La Belissima, I have had two messages on OKC in the last week. Seems incredibly unlikely I would be genuinely contacted by two women, both of whose user names end in TheCat, both of whom are in Scotland (several hundred miles away), both of whom are SouthAsian....

lubeybooby Sun 24-Feb-13 16:49:29

I'm very suspicious of the match and matchaffinity profiles that all follow the same format

like mikeh_sky_green or dan80_sea_blue there are loads of them, always a name or other word, two underscores and a colour. Seems very very odd to me.

Scrazy Sun 24-Feb-13 17:03:42

Beware of the POF app too. I've just deleted mine from my phone as it pings you every time you get a message and the dreaded 'wants to meet'. If you log on sometimes it logs off slowly and you end up staying on using your usage, mine is limited, and charges kick in. Also even if you log off it tells users you are still online all the time. I take my phone to my bedroom and it kept going off all last night. I messaged one guy and he told me it said I was online at five in the morning!

Bant Sun 24-Feb-13 17:06:10

Oh damn. And after the earlier posts on here I was going to change my name to 'too_many_hairs_grey'

micshi Sun 24-Feb-13 17:07:57

OMG just had my first ever OD date. He seemed a very nice interesting man, and he had the most amazing blue eyes I've ever seen. But he seems a bit old, older than the 41 he's supposed to be. Either he's lying or the 20 a day habit has taken it's toll!! He also texted me half an hour ago saying that he's going to stop looking now he's found me. I didn't reply and he's already texted asking what I have to say and has he said something wrong! WTF do I say?! Help!

EternalRose Sun 24-Feb-13 17:14:03

Mischi, he sounds a bit keen doesn't he?! I mean, asking what you have to say after 30 mins is a bit desperate.

Mischi - to say that in the first place, and then text within half an hour because you haven't replied??? Red flag, in my book. It's nice, if a date has gone well to say so, but to hassle someone for not replying that swiftly seems FAR too over eager. Added to the fact you think he may be lying about his age? I'd be treading carefully, but if you liked him and would like to see him again, then do so, but I wouldn't keep this in the back of my head and I would reply suggesting something next weekend (ie, not coming across too eager) but feel free to say that you aren't anywhere near the 'exclusive' stage yet and may still be meeting other people at the moment.

EternalRose Sun 24-Feb-13 17:15:19

What voice said....

Mischi be careful with this one. If he looked older, he probably is and saying he is coming off the site now is just weird and also presumes you must feel the same way. Even if you did, texting to ask why you haven't replied is the third red flag.

Sorry, I meant to say "I WOULD keep this in the back of my head" in the sense that I would be bearing these things in mind during a second date (if you wanted one).

Bant Sun 24-Feb-13 17:18:53

Yep. It does seem a bit red-flaggy. I'd reply with 'you'd like to see him again but don't really feel like you know each other yet so want to take things slowly, '

rather than that you want to see other people (although do that too)

ChooChooLaverne Sun 24-Feb-13 17:20:51

micshi - I would be very wary as the others have said. If he's that needy now, imagine what he'd be like if you were actually going out with him.

He hasn't asked you what you want has he? Just said that he's found you so now you're his kind of thing. And anyone who texts 30 minutes after not receiving a reply is weird.

Do you actually really like him?

Bant Sun 24-Feb-13 17:24:17

It's just one red flag, possibly. He could just be blown away by your magnificence, and be overly keen. It doesn't mean drop him, it just means be a little cautious

Scrazy Sun 24-Feb-13 17:28:04

He sounds over keen. It's nice to get a follow up to a date very soon and I would have replied straight away if I had liked someone, but to want to be exclusive after one date is a bit previous.

micshi Sun 24-Feb-13 17:29:08

He just texted saying that he understood, no need to answer! There you go then, don't need to bother. His original text was only just over an hour ago! I really can't be bothered with someone that needy, I thought I was bad!

Scrazy Sun 24-Feb-13 17:31:48

Mic, think you are going with your gut instinct here, which you should.

micshi Sun 24-Feb-13 17:39:15

I'll message the tasty looking 25 year old who's been messaging me instead and have myself a toy boy grin

Oh no, Mischi, you used the TB expression..... runs for cover.... grin

lubeybooby Sun 24-Feb-13 17:50:23

Mischi you're doing the right thing not bothering.

I would have replied with something a bit more sedate and seen how he reacted to it - but it's too late for that now he's already had a 'don't bother' strop.

Silly needy man.

lulubellaboozle Sun 24-Feb-13 17:53:11

place marking and catching up on this and the last thread!

OWW I am so so pleased for you! fantastic that you had the conversation and got confirmation of what you were hoping for. He truly does sound a lovely man who is doing his very best to make you happy and overcome whatever hang ups he knows he has, and lets face it, men who recognise their own shortcomings and are prepared to work to overcome them are few and far between

Kirsty glad Mr Cheeky has been helping you settle into your new flat shagging you senseless, luuurrvve eh?

Lubey yay for getting your mojo back, I didn't post on your other thread but did read it and I think you have been amazing throughout everything

Bant Sun 24-Feb-13 17:54:42

Wow. What a tosser. You could have been in the bath, your mobile battery could be dead, just because you didn't respond in 60 minutes?

Ok I retract my last post. This is the mayor of red flag city. I'd be tempted to respond with something along the lines of 'just got your three texts, nice to know I've been dumped because my battery was dead for an hour. Good luck in the future'

Or something

In other news I see that POF has made searching for an intimate encounter only available to paid members. Wonder how popular that will be? Dunno how frequently used it was or how genuine most of the IE profiles tended to be.

McBuckers Sun 24-Feb-13 18:03:53

Hello, please can I join your thread I signed up to Match last night.

Feels very weird getting back into dating after 11years.

Any tips?

Snapespeare Sun 24-Feb-13 18:04:35

mischi fucking HELL! Run! Save yourself!!

eternal the POWAH of my VAGINAAAAH salutes you! Just worked out that it's said in a fat-bastard-from-Austin-powers voice. :-) I've been very good today regarding enigmatic insouciance. Suspect nameless hasn't noticed.... hmm

lubeybooby Sun 24-Feb-13 18:05:48

Oh voice, that isn't good.

Means the 'dating' one will get flooded with IE people even more than it already is. When previously at least they were able to be honest about they wanted without having to pay.

lubeybooby Sun 24-Feb-13 18:08:33

Hello McBuckers.

God, we have endless tips between us I think.

Mine are not to get too carried away with talking online etc.... meeting in person can change everything so get that done reasonably quick

Also stick to an hour max for coffee and have a get out excuse ready just in case, so you don't waste too much time if they are awful.

It's likely you'll need those two in the early days until you get to more easily spot the way people disguise things (soft focus pics, not smiling, no pics with friends, only overhead pics, etc)

mercury7 Sun 24-Feb-13 18:10:54

Voice I suspect the POF intimate encounter search thing may only apply to men?

That would bring them in line with the 'business model' used by the casual hook up sites.

IE free for women but men have to pay, there are about 10 men for every woman on there, the men are led to believe that there are lots of women looking for a casual shag with anyone who offers.
The reality is that even if they are looking for NSA most, if not all, the women will be very fussy and will make the men jump through hoops before even agreeing to meet them for a chat.

Scrazy Sun 24-Feb-13 18:12:20

Voice, how did you discover this wink.

Snape oh he will notice. Eventually. Then you can be all, eh no vair busy grin

Voice IE paid only? part of me thinks that's a good idea to stop the fishing, the other hmm

<ingores tb mentioning>

Mercury how do you work out which IE men are ok, just wondering how you sort them.

Scrazy - the forums. And the fact that I hit the search button, from where to normally select the Advanced Search, and there was a headline thingy telling me.

luckybun Sun 24-Feb-13 18:18:50

Well hello all - am back from date no 1!
Mischi - sounds like you might be better off, eek, scary behaviour after date 1!
McBuckers - welcome, i'm new to this and OD and had some very helpful advise from everyone on here. Most importantly to get the first meeting out of the way if you feel there is an initial spark!
So.... date no. 1 done - it was fine, he'd def put some 'favourable' pictures on his profile! but it was fine - we had a coffee, then decided to have lunch and a drink after - my concern with this was that I think he might become a bit full on. It doesn;t seem that he has much outside of work (as a sports centre manager) and he also is a personal trainer...I mean, he talks about his clients and his work but hasn't really mentioned friends. He also talked a bit too much about the ex and started going into reasons for the split etc but I managed to stop that!
So I'm not sure, he's asked to see me again I've said I'd like to but just not sure..... anyone been in this situation. Im a bit confused by it all as we got on sooooo well on the phone.

mercury7 Sun 24-Feb-13 18:26:52

Juliette, it's pretty easy because the men on there are usually transparent, most of the 'undesirables' can be spotted from their profiles, and then a bit of causal messaging back and forth gives most of them enough rope to hang themselves.

Skype, is the next hurdle, then if I meet them I'll be non commital about whether I want to take things further, just to see how they respond..do they continue to be polite etc.

Needless to say I don't get to the coffee stage very often with anyone, let alone the bedroom stage grin

lubeybooby Sun 24-Feb-13 18:32:37

Sounds very much like my smash and grab which resulted in meeting TT.

Though neither of us were IE I was screening profiles and ditching the obviously mad/bad/sad/all three ones, talking a little to the ones I wasn't sure of which resulted in many ditchings and I think three got my email and only TT my number.

Didn't do skype at any point though I just met him.... I was happy enough with the pics he had and the conversation we had that he was the best of the bunch and worth meeting. I was right.

Still don't know if it will go beyond another date or two though but I did impress myself with my picking him out there. Haha.

mercury7 Sun 24-Feb-13 18:41:30

I think you just have to be ruthless and dont give anyone the benefit of the doubt, I know lots of people dont like to skype, I think we just find our own ways of doing things.

I'm not seriously looking for anyone atm, it's more a little bit of chat or banter if I'm bored

raskolnikov Sun 24-Feb-13 18:47:36

Hello everyone (waves to thread)...

I'm back here after being away for ages - just activated POF and OKC again and waiting with baited breath ... I wonder what'll come out of the woodwork...

Sounds like some of you have been keeping warm indoors wink OWW and Kirsty... am v envious

So did you say you wanted sex, or is it the done thing to say relationship. Ate there signals which lay it out? I'm vaguely thinking about casual or fwb, there must be some good men who would suit, but wouldn't be bf material.

lubeybooby Sun 24-Feb-13 19:05:16

I was as open as I could be on my PoF profile. I said I wanted a casual relationship maybe just a step up or so from FWB

And explained that as nothing serious and no moving in or looking to the future or anything but all the good things (going out, sex etc) with just the one person.

mercury7 Sun 24-Feb-13 19:12:32

I just say something like 'looking for a nice man for a regular arrangement' I cant be arsed writing much, but I suppose what you write will depend in part on what the 'norms' are on the site you are using

Snapespeare Sun 24-Feb-13 19:29:05

Text from nameless. I blush might have linked blush him to the blush eels song blush du jour. this one he has declared it sweet and is smiling at me.

I need some hand holding insouciance, because I've drunk the best part of a bottle of wine and might do terrible things.

Do you put your pics up right away or hide your profiles and swoop?

mercury7 Sun 24-Feb-13 19:36:20

I put pictures up

mercury7 Sun 24-Feb-13 19:39:22

wish I could hide half my face behind a big beard like that!

There would be something truly awkward about wanting just fwb and then finding out they weren't interested after the pic. I also wouldn't want to mix it up with the sites I've been on and rejected various men as relationship material. It's needs to be a mutually agreed casual thing from the off I guess.

mercury7 Sun 24-Feb-13 19:47:43

Juliette, have I misunderstood, or are you saying that, because it's fwb you think the bloke wouldnt need to see a pic so as to check that you are his 'type'?

mercury7 Sun 24-Feb-13 19:56:19

...or that it's best to post pictures because not very pleasant to have someone say 'no thanks' or not reply after you've sent pictures?

I guess thats why I put pictures up to save myself the indignity of being rejected after I've e-mailed them!blush

OhWesternWind Sun 24-Feb-13 20:10:30

I've been out all day taking the dcs to see ex's family and Blimey a lot has happened on this thread. Thank you everyone for your kind words and support about LM. How did you all know it would be okay? Really sad that so many of you know what I'm going through about my dad. It's shit. Hugs to you all.

But I am really happy. Teenagerishly and embarrassingly so. I have worked so hard for so many years to cultivate my grumpy cow facade and now it's all ruined, ruined I tell you.

Kirsty great stuff! Having the new flat is the start of a whole new happy chapter in your life. Brilliant.

Velvet hope you hear from him very, very soon. Dreaming of him eh? smile

Snape so glad N is in touch again. He sounds lovely. Do not worry - just do the terrible things unless they're truly, truly, mindblowingly awful.

Lucky What do you think you'll do?

Lubey so pleased to hear you've got your Lubey-ness back. You've been amazing.

Rose I think staying on the sofa whilst you get into a better place in your head is a good plan. I gave it eighteen months after I split with my ex, maybe it should have been a bit longer but I just felt ready in myself after months of saying "Never again". It's maybe not the age but the person.

Mic oh no what a bad one to get for your first date! But you did everything right, radar fully working there.

Hi Raskolnikov good to see you again!

And good luck McB -keep posting!

Nora move back. Best thing I ever did.

Ike is it tonight you're going Dutch? Loads of good luck if it is.

Hello to everyone else. Will get properly caught up now.

Sorry, have probably missed

MirandaWest Sun 24-Feb-13 20:26:52

Have been having real life - much of it in bed tbh. And eating and watching while flat pack stuff was being built. Very glad that LM called last night OWW smile

Mr Nice did very good building of children's desks and coffee table and desk swivelly chairs. And put pictures and clock on walls. Then we took children along to XHs house and went and got bookcase from his house. Came back and did Good Talking (in bed but clothed grin). Both reassured the other that neither of us were going off the other one and I realised that he does have a lot of things on his mind in general (ex wife moving back up here, about to finish his job and start another one, he and his DS are going off to America for a coupe of weeks and that's all happening in March). Plus the one night of porn which hadnt helped the ED.

We have had various types of sex which have all been very good (not quite up to the full penetrative stuff but getting nearer it) and I felt quite like a weight had been lifted. Both of us slept v well last night and we had a good lazy Sunday morning/afternoon until 3 when we emerged to eat. And a lot of kissing which was very good smile We talked more about the whole moving in with each other in a few years thing which was nice.

Am much more cheerful than on Friday blushsmile

OhWesternWind Sun 24-Feb-13 20:34:12

Miranda that all sounds very positive and especially that you've been able to talk about this and reassure each other. How do you feel about his ex moving back? Is it amicable between them?

Really glad things are back on track for you.

ike1 Sun 24-Feb-13 20:42:31

Hellooooo apparently the kid got 'called into work' unexpectedly at 4:00pm...a likely tale....strangely unperterbed by this as was half way through a lovely sunday dinner with my mate and it meant I could indulge in vino instead as didnt have to drive to a venue anymore. Apparently we will 'meet some other time' ...well since ex H off to Cuba for the forseeable future that is unlikely...whatevs.

Managed to spend £60 on skin illuminating powder and eyebag concealer ...will let you know if it works and if so the name of the products which I cant remember at the mo. Will scroll back and check out todays hijinx....

ike - that stinks.

ike1 Sun 24-Feb-13 20:52:31

Do you think? My mate thought that too, not sure I have an opinion one way or another really..

ike1 Sun 24-Feb-13 20:54:22

He owes me nothing and I wasnt put out, carried on my day regardless, at least he let me know in good time...I wont contact him again.

OhWesternWind Sun 24-Feb-13 20:55:44

That is very rude behaviour from him Ike but hope the vino was good compensation grin

ike1 Sun 24-Feb-13 20:57:30

I tell you what does stink...spending £60 on vanity....it had better not be snake oil...I want fresh, young skin for that money..

ike1 Sun 24-Feb-13 20:57:59

Am I missing something? Why is it rude?

Pomegranatenoir Sun 24-Feb-13 21:02:05

ike you are soooooo cool and chilled! I'd be pissed off but it is brilliant that you're not!!

mercury no id be worried about the indignity of being rejected by pic when its just for fwb. Not sure why, i should be less bothered grin

What job does he do that gets called into on a Sunday?

ike1 Sun 24-Feb-13 21:05:12

Its just the nature of Online Dating though ...at this point we only owe each other basic common courtesy. That's it. No expectations other than that as otherwise it is energy misspent.

OhWesternWind Sun 24-Feb-13 21:06:25

I think it's rude to change plans just a few hours before a date. If it was me, I'd have arranged a babysitter so their plans would have been changed too, probably wouldnt have anything lined up to do instead or time to make other arrangements.

But that's just me, glad you're fine with it.

Report back on super duper make up required!

ike1 Sun 24-Feb-13 21:06:46

Well he does work shifts so it is absolutely possible....we will see, if he contacts me again I may consider rescheduling...not gonna poop me panties over it...haha

ike I think that's carp too. Happens a lot with OD.

MirandaWest Sun 24-Feb-13 21:08:22

That would annoy me ike. But I may be somewhat less chilled than you smile

ike1 Sun 24-Feb-13 21:08:31

Oh Yeah OWW I totally see your point re babysitters...that would be a complete pain. Just thought I'd better check in case my rude behaviour radar had turned itself off.

Crap obvs grin
Unless its genuine then ok (ish)

ike1 Sun 24-Feb-13 21:09:54

Well exactly Jule.. never happened before to me but I am always aware of it as a possibility.

ike1 Sun 24-Feb-13 21:10:25

carp will do absolutely fine.

mercury7 Sun 24-Feb-13 21:11:54

Ike, it's happened to me a few times, bloke has cancelled on the day citing some work related emergency or other.
I assume it's just an excuse, and I dont make any further contact, generally suspect it's some juvenile ploy to try to jerk me around and get me to chase after him hmm

ike1 Sun 24-Feb-13 21:15:38

Yeah possibly Merc ...not my style though...I assume its an excuse but his job certainly lends itself to be called in ad hoc. Not gonna waste too much time second guessing.

mercury7 Sun 24-Feb-13 21:33:11

Ike, when this has happened to me I've assumed that, if he's genuine he'll be in touch very soon with an apology and wanting to re arrange the date.

If there's silence and he pops up a couple of weeks later saying blah blah blah he's been ill, busy at work, I just ignore him...cuz if he's like that when he's impressing me with his best side what's he gonna be like later shock

ike1 Sun 24-Feb-13 21:37:22

Totally with you on that Merc...infact in it was me cancelling and I was keen I would have probably suggested another date with the text. Who knows what goes on in some peeps minds really..not my problem ...

mercury7 Sun 24-Feb-13 21:39:41

exactement!

48howdidthathappen Sun 24-Feb-13 21:42:22

Back on track with Mr R&R smile Had a talk about how we are both feeling, was good! Learned alot about each other.

So happy for you OWW Knew it would be ok.

Waves to thread. Need to catch up.

ike1 Sun 24-Feb-13 21:45:18

Good news 48...see you in a bit!

MirandaWest Sun 24-Feb-13 21:45:52

Glad you've been doing talking as well 48 smile

McBuckers Sun 24-Feb-13 21:46:20

Thanks Lubey and luckybun it feels so strange to be back on the dating scene after so long.

ike1 Sun 24-Feb-13 21:47:50

Welcome to the jungle my darling McBuckers.....

ike1 Sun 24-Feb-13 21:48:31

I have decided not to rush my next appointment with the fanny waxer...

MirandaWest Sun 24-Feb-13 21:50:15

OWW am not sure quite what I think about his ex moving back up here. She has new bf now who is moving up with her. She and Mr Nice are generally amicable I think and things have improved since their house was sold and she got her share and has stopped asking him for money a lot of the time hmm. Part of me would quite like her to stay a few hundred miles away but am fairly optimistic it will be ok. Am prepared for mr nice to be a little befuddled by it all but I'm there for him which he knows and it will be ok <optimistic smile>

OhWesternWind Sun 24-Feb-13 21:52:50

48 really glad to hear that. I was so sad when you called it off with him i know he doesnt always get it right, but its so clear that he cares about you a lot and wants to do the right thing You two are so good with all the talking, too!

Another one who knew it would go well with LM!! If all you lot can see it, why can't I? But, I really am starting to trust him properly now. The more I get to know him, the more I like him. I think he's actually a genuinely good and decent person. I have gone a bit silly over him blush

ike1 Sun 24-Feb-13 21:53:35

Should be fine Miranda especially as she is in what sounds to be a stable relationship. How long have they been separated/divorced??

Yay to talking 48, that man deserves to be broken next time you see him

Happy for you too western

And Miranda. It's talk weekend grin

Scrazy Sun 24-Feb-13 21:54:42

Ike, god knows what goes through their minds. I had one cancelled on me on the day with a story about his car being broken into, windows smashed etc. Turns out it was true and we re-arranged. I saw him a few times afterwards.

I'm on the sofa, for a while as I'm not ready to date and cannot muster up any enthusiasm. Have 4 that I'm chatting to so will see how long it takes for them to drop off. I've got a busy month coming up and DD will be home for a few weeks after this so no time to date for a while which is just as well. I need a break from men.

Scrazy Sun 24-Feb-13 21:56:22

FWIW OWW I knew all would be well with you both, you just needed to get it out in the open smile

OhWesternWind Sun 24-Feb-13 21:57:07

Miranda good that his ex has moved on and has a new bf. It might be easier for his dcs having their parents closer, so less hassle in that way. It all sounds not too bad at all and quite civilised but any change can cause a bit of stress. When is she moving?

ike1 Sun 24-Feb-13 22:00:13

I have a slight problem in that there really is noone who has contacted me that takes my fancy ....200 on the 'would like to meet' and a fair few messages...just noone. am I being ridiculously picky? Or is it the area I live in ? Or my age?

OhWesternWind Sun 24-Feb-13 22:00:33

Scrazy snuggling up on that sofa for a while sounds like a good plan especially with you having a lot on. Is your dd at Uni?

MirandaWest Sun 24-Feb-13 22:06:14

She's moving back next weekend. And then the Saturday afterwards is their DSs 18th birthday. He hasn't seen her much since she moved out (which was last April) - he went down there for a week in the summer and she came up here in December for a few days and then January to do house looking at. Thunk he has to get nagged into calling her - he is definitely much closer to his dad than his mum but being able to pop in and see her should help I think rather than it having to be a major visit.

Scrazy Sun 24-Feb-13 22:11:38

OWW, yes she is hence me finding it really lonely after what happened with the ex and her being away, it's been tough these last couple of months. I've got family around but they aren't always available to get me out the house.

Ike, it might be both your area and age. It's the same for me but a few nice ones have appeared in my inbox this weekend since I changed my profile picture. I'm glad I got rid of the phone app, it was depressing and intrusive.

No ike You ate not picky. I have probably only fancied 1 who liked me.

ike1 Sun 24-Feb-13 22:18:32

Oh dear...was hoping it was me...

Scrazy Sun 24-Feb-13 22:26:11

It's normal, I probably reply to around 5% of messages and ignore the 'wants to meet'. If they carn't be bothered to send a message then forget it.

ike1 Sun 24-Feb-13 22:28:40

Yeah that sounds about right then Scrazy...slim pickins though innit!

And that is EVER

ike1 Sun 24-Feb-13 22:34:52

My friend has been on 2 dates with a guy from POF and he has talked about moving to this city (he lives somewhere else) asked her about her thoughts on marriage and everything she says she likes he does too. He is giving her the serious creeps. She is very glad he doesnt know where she lives.

ike1 Sun 24-Feb-13 22:36:32

Jule that EVER is now reverberating in my head like the clanging chimes of doom!!!

lubeybooby Sun 24-Feb-13 22:39:22

I have fancied quite a few at times but I have been known to have slightly odd taste now and then and I'm very generous with my age ranges. I'm also smack bang in the middle of an area with loads of towns and cities so that probably helps.

ike1 Sun 24-Feb-13 22:41:00

I think I am gonna have to start loving my own company ALOT by the looks of it then...

mercury7 Sun 24-Feb-13 22:43:37

I think location is quite a big part of it...I get quite alot of messages from men who look nice in the london area,sometimes tempted but really I think they're just too far away.

KirstyWirsty Sun 24-Feb-13 22:52:00

48 and OWW whoop whoop!! gringrin

Can't believe the weekend is over .. I was out with Lovingfreedom last night .. I met her through mumsnet and she was my first online date .. We're off to New York a week on friday as one of my friends is getting hitched there and she is coming as my plus one ..

Hi to everyone else

KirstyWirsty Sun 24-Feb-13 22:53:12

Purely platonic btw .. Don't want to start any rumours smile

ike - it's not just you. I still maintain location has much to do with it, age a bit to do with it. Having been back on POF and OKC for three weeks now, I have only found one remotely attractive and interesting woman in a 50-mile radius of me to message. OK, she was ridiculously too attractive, but she is literally the only one I found fanciable in any way. And I've only had two messages to me, from fake profiles.

ike1 Sun 24-Feb-13 22:55:55

I was gonna say Kirst sounds cool you lucky things....would have loved to stay in the Chelsea Hotel but they have shut it now...

ike1 Sun 24-Feb-13 22:59:55

How did you know the profiles were fake Voice?

Ah, forgot you weren't on the thread earlier, ike. Both from Scotland (so, several hundred miles away), both South Asian, both with TheCat in their profile name and profile details relatively similar.

ike1 Sun 24-Feb-13 23:05:14

I see ...what was the purpose do you think?

No idea, and I didn't reply to either (almost identical) message to find out!

ike1 Sun 24-Feb-13 23:08:32

How odd...

I've always felt these sorts of profiles - bit like the stuff we were talking about earlier and referred to in that link Bant posted - is to keep you on site and make you think it's worth staying around for or, in some instances, paying to see a message, or see more photos or whatever. I suspect had I replied I'd have got another message suggesting they didn't use OKC but I could get them on "another site" (that's a regular trick, too, I'm told).

ike1 Sun 24-Feb-13 23:13:49

There, I have just replied to a message, the guy has no discernable features and appears to be hiding behind a motorbike but maybe I need to just....oh I dunno...

ike1 Sun 24-Feb-13 23:14:56

Oh Ill go check your convo now Voice...

mercury7 Sun 24-Feb-13 23:22:11

the 'other site' may well be one where you need to give your credit card details in return for some <ahem> wink 'web cam action' blush blush

Merc - that would be my guess!

ike1 Sun 24-Feb-13 23:25:35

oh....I see...bloody hell !!!

Having exhausted POF and OKC am trying to decide whether it is worth paying out for Match again. It was a complete waste last time.

mercury7 Sun 24-Feb-13 23:29:22

it stands to reason that women who sell sexual services would see dating sites as a business opportunity, i'm sure it would be pretty easy to get an income stream goingsmile

ike1 Sun 24-Feb-13 23:32:52

Unfortunately Merc...I think you may be right. Well I met TR on Match dont know if that is any advert for its services though!

lubeybooby Sun 24-Feb-13 23:34:08

But dating sites are full of men who want real girlfriends or at least real actual female flesh for sexual encounters... and spare cash will be going on date travel/drinks/aftershave/condoms not prime place for punters I reckon.

ike1 Sun 24-Feb-13 23:35:56

Motorbike guy has assured me he is not a basket case...<jaundiced response> really???

I found Match the worst last time - the two women I did meet were both off POF although I did get some messages on OKC. I doubt things have improved, so it's probably throwing money away. Ah well. Long-term sofadom it is then! Just need to improve my cake baking skills.

ike1 Sun 24-Feb-13 23:44:35

I dont know what to think honestly...

Never seen a motorbike with a basket on the front, only normal bikes.... Oh, that's not what he means, is it?

If you think that statistically men have to message a lot of women to get any response, some will never get a response etc, the chances of a man thinking a 'chat' to a woman by cam is a good idea must start to increase over time.

ike1 Sun 24-Feb-13 23:50:15

oh I dunno...I have just told him I have to go to sleep ....honestly feel I cant be bothered...sometimes wish I was still married and then remember he turned out be a shit. Perhaps a life of celibacy and contemplation is beckoning...

ike if you go down that roadd, I doubt you'll be on your own!

juliette I think that's true, the odds are not in us chaps favour to start with so wouldn't surprise me if there is enough of a market for cams

ike1 Sun 24-Feb-13 23:55:26

There must be some blokes that have success ..

Yes, of course. But again it will depend where they live and generally only the top percentage do well.

But generally OD can't be that successful, otherwise people wouldn't still be on there 2, 3, 4 years after joining.

ike1 Sun 24-Feb-13 23:59:46

oh.....sigh.

mercury7 Mon 25-Feb-13 00:02:49

last time i checked dating sites were full of men who want easy no strings one off sex!

ike1 Mon 25-Feb-13 00:03:33

As a 5.5 woman (according to Bant's scale of attractiveness) it is still possible to have dates...like this guy has just asked me for a drink...but unfortunately I have zero enthusiasm for it. I feel a bit shallow...I just dont think I will fancy him and as such I cant be bothered....but I probably SHOULD be bothered just in case...

Take some heart, I do know two couples who got together via the net, one of whom got married last year. He was her first OD, she was his 21st!!! He is the only guy I know who ever managed to get a reasonable number of dates - relatively good looking but VERY wealthy and flaunted it in his profile.

ike1 Mon 25-Feb-13 00:04:45

oh bugger...

mercury7 Mon 25-Feb-13 00:06:10

i mean there are escorts as well as cam girls using dating sites, esp the more casual ones

ike1 Mon 25-Feb-13 00:07:51

I know a few folk who have met on line ....feeling a bit like I am going to grow old and hairy on my own.... tonight....

Ike, I suspect if we lived in major cities, we'd find it far, far easier, not just to get dates but quality dates. They don't necessarily mean they will lead to a relationship, but we'd certainly get a better crack of the whip and improve our chances in the old numbers game.

ike1 Mon 25-Feb-13 00:08:55

Merc ...are you still 'banging on' about the web cams???I am trying to be maudlin here...

Yes but it's likely to be the same ones over and over with casual. Mr Average from average town would find it tough. Add on a few years and he has very little chance. I have fancied 1. Out of several 100s. They all look the same to me, so much so that when I bumped into a friend whilst on first date with Morning Man I mixed him up with the Academic from the week before. I digress...

So it's the slow shift of realities, I date potato heads and think about fwb, some men will think they are having a cam date.

ike1 Mon 25-Feb-13 00:09:45

I do live close to a majorish city though Voice!

That was to ike btw

Ike how close?

ike1 Mon 25-Feb-13 00:12:30

Well very close..

Yeah sorry guys but after a certain age you do all seem to begin to look the same..

ike1 Mon 25-Feb-13 00:13:15

I think I might have to crack open the Toblerone...

Bugger.

And what age would that be, ike????

ike1 Mon 25-Feb-13 00:17:10

My age it would seem Voice or maybe my eyesight is dimming

lubeybooby Mon 25-Feb-13 00:17:48

That's true mercury but they don't want to pay for it (I think anyway from what it seems).. I've been on quite a few dates where men say their nightmare anecdotal type messages and dates have been from/with women who turned out to want paying

That's no help! I don't know how old you are and a gentleman never asks.

ike1 Mon 25-Feb-13 00:21:22

I bloody told everyone when it was my birthday...you only noticed belatedly and I am not bloody saying it again...so there...Man...Toblerone is mega sweet!

ike1 Mon 25-Feb-13 00:23:01

Do you think we will all be on this thread in 10 years time still moaning about POF etc etc??

Well, this man who DOESN'T look the same as every other man and still has a full head of hair and all his own teeth is going to bed to get some beauty sleep in the hope of not EVER looking the same as every other man.

There is a London look. Actually it's not true I've only fancied 1, I have seen men i think look attractive my age but they have always turned out to be from the US or Europe. The Europe I can understand (tend to make the most of themselves) but I don't understand the US thing unless its subconsciously teeth or something.

ike1 Mon 25-Feb-13 00:24:59

You'd better get some of that eyebag cream on then Voice...night!

ike1 Mon 25-Feb-13 00:26:13

What's the London look then Jule? I bet its got nothing to do with Rimmel or Kate Moss!

Indeed. Or people will say I am actually looking my age, rather than the usual guess of 6 or 7 years younger than I am. It's my birthday very soon, damn it. Which means only a year until....sob....40....

Runs off to cry in bed. Night.

voice you could never look the same as every other man, ever! grin

ike1 Mon 25-Feb-13 00:28:00

Dont worry Voice...been there it was ahem er...bearable.

ike1 Mon 25-Feb-13 00:28:48

or bareable

I'll find some samples ike, tba.

ike1 Mon 25-Feb-13 00:34:56

ok Jule..

mercury7 Mon 25-Feb-13 00:45:15

last time i checked dating sites were full of men who want easy no strings one off sex!

mercury7 Mon 25-Feb-13 00:51:00

Lubey I guess all men would say that they wouldnt consider paying for sex..then again I imagine those who do use such services keep fairly quiet about it...

mercury7 Mon 25-Feb-13 00:52:36

oops, something funny happened to my phone, excuse the duplicated post!

VelvetSpoon Mon 25-Feb-13 01:16:38

Gosh everyone has been busy today!

I have spent the last 2 hours trying to finish DS2s homework (a motte and bailey castle) delivered here at 11pm by the Evil Ex, with a text 'can you ensure finished by tomorrow pls' hmm

This is on the back of a days wedding discussion with friends. Am bloody shattered now.

I did get a text from C though. Thanking me for Friday (he is so polite - I was telling my friends how he always stands up when I get to the pub which they thought showed v good manners!) and saying he had a great time. So am smile

Lets hope this is a good week for everyone!

micshi Mon 25-Feb-13 06:50:50

I was out all evening, only to find another message from Mr.Greek on the website asking why I hadn't replied. He told me not to bother! I don't know whether to tell him what I think or not. My main worry is that I'll bump into him in the street as he lives fairly close! I'm not going to date anyone in the same part of London as me again!

micshi - looks like we were right about your lovely date! Dodged a bullet there. He'd already told you via text not to bother when you hadn't replied within his inbuilt time parameter. Why repeat himself on the website.

Some people would say reply with something along the lines of "Well, I didn't get a chance to reply to the text you sent yesterday because I was busy and before I could, you sent one to say 'not to bother'. So I didn't. And I won't" and then block and ignore. Some people would just block and ignore.

SweetSeraphim Mon 25-Feb-13 08:41:33

I wouldn't be able to block him without first giving him some smartass reply I'm afraid! Knob hmm

Sweet - usually I would tend to agree with you, I would find it hard not to give him a bit of the old verbal but as Micshi says he lives fairly close, I'd not take that risk!

Scrazy Mon 25-Feb-13 10:10:10

I think that for some men on the sites they will never get replies or dates. The ones who do have success to get as far as the sweet trolley mentality will have a great photo up with a great profile I would think, or they are just out for sex and are not too fussy.

I have a friend who is on POF and well he's not my type but he isn't hideous, he says he hardly ever gets replies and if it gets to a date the women don't want to take it further.

ike1 Mon 25-Feb-13 10:22:43

Bant must be drop dead gorgeous then...the amount of dates he's had (I wanna have a look at his profile!)

OhWesternWind Mon 25-Feb-13 10:26:48

Velvet - Cuthbert is really coming good. Really glad he's been in contact without too much of a delay. He's getting better! Hoping you get to see him soon. Could you have a daytime coffee and cake date or something over the weekend just so you can see each other for an hour or so?

Mic oh dear, I'd just ignore him I think. There's no point engaging with people who are behaving like this as they won't take any notice of your point of view.

Lack of suitable matches - well, there wasn't a great choice here either, being a bit in the sticks and also looking at the 40+ age group. I just ended up messaging anyone who looked and sounded vaguely okay. None of them that I met up with were awful in a rude or offensive or red-flaggish way, and the worst experience I had was one bloke I met who was very, very boring. I think that most of them looked different from their photos, one was very much older than his picture (this is the boring bloke), another was a lot shorter than he had said, the others just looked different in real life actually talking to them and seeing how they moved, how expressive they were etc. I don't think LM is classically handsome, didn't think much of his photo one way or the other (he is going a bit bald and grey and wears glasses, looks a bit geeky I think but I quite like that look), but I like how he smiles, how he talks, there's just that something about him, which of course you can't tell from a photo and is a really personal thing anyway. Load of waffle there to say unless there's something really dire and dreadful about the picture or profile then I'd go and meet them and see how things are in real life.

mercury7 Mon 25-Feb-13 10:29:15

'hardly ever gets replies and if it gets to a date the women don't want to take it further.'

assuming this is common, some men might get cold feet and cancel dates because they expect a rejection?

Scrazy Mon 25-Feb-13 10:35:38

Yes Mercury, this could be why they do it. One of my recent dates, the short arsed squirt who exaggerated his height, didn't even follow up with a 'thanks but no thanks' message and it's put me off going on anymore blinds dates as I must be hideous. When I last OD a couple of years before I usually got some positive feedback.

OhWesternWind Mon 25-Feb-13 10:41:38

Boring man didn't follow up with any kind of text - I think it was obvious that we just didn't click, so maybe Scrazy it was the same with this man if he could tell there was no point in asking you out again and was lacking in manners as well as height. Don't let some silly man like this put you off.

Snapespeare Mon 25-Feb-13 10:43:55

I've been reading a lot of shit couple of articles about tactical withdrawal creating interest. managed to not initiate texting with nameless yesterday - leaving an hour until a response tc… - then asked him for a 'favour' if he could load some music of his choice onto a memory stick for me as he has excellent taste and I need to expand my horizons (blatant flattery!) he would be glad to - I offered some form of recompense, which he suggested take the form of a massage blush I replied that I'm sure we could sort something out, but he might need to take his shirt off….

I barely slept a wink all night. must distract self from distractions!

<thread wave> good old cuthbert! yay!

micshi Mon 25-Feb-13 10:46:08

I did end up replying saying that he didn't give me a chance to reply to him before saying not to bother & that after one date it was a bit early to stop looking on the site & that I didn't want to see him again.

Well that was an interesting first OD experience!

mercury7 Mon 25-Feb-13 10:50:22

file him under 'pet assassin' Micshi grin

I do know of a couple of women - acquaintances as opposed to friends - who go on the sites literally to get dates. They only go on first dates and have no intention of second dates. They just like finding men to take them out to dinner. Sometimes they offer to 'pay half' but the men rarely take them up on it or they don't offer! Lucky men!!

Scrazy Mon 25-Feb-13 11:08:42

Voice, not sure I could put myself through having dinner with some dullard just for a free meal.

Snape, there is much truth in being cool and not initiating contact as they will do so if they want to and they love the chase, much as I hate to admit it.

micshi Mon 25-Feb-13 11:14:46

I got a sandwich & a coffee out of my date, not sure it was worth the hassle though! hmm

mercury7 Mon 25-Feb-13 11:18:57

They just like finding men to take them out to dinner
I find making conversation with strangers onerous and am only willing to do it if there is some reward, ie I find the bloke attractive and what to get to know him with a view to getting naked with him.

The idea of having a meal with a stranger doesnt appeal to me in the slightest and I never agree to anything more that a coffee

I've heard this thing about some women just wanting a free night out from a couple of early days dates. They were knobbers though and made a point of mentioning that they'd 'spent money on them' hmm

I don't get the attraction when boxed sets and M&S exist.

Snapespeare Mon 25-Feb-13 11:36:29

see, I'm a ball-breaking feminazi. Every single fibre of my being asserts if I want to see someone again, then I should make that clear and the gentleman caller in question should bite my hand off (not literally) in sheer joy that I deign to give him the time of day… and that's worked so far. I said I'd like to see nameless again after the first date, I've asked him out a few times - I'm not sure if a tactical flip-flop to eagerly pursued damsel of many varied interests is believable…

…mind you, I did say I'd like to see him this past weekend, he cancelled due to ill-health and I did tell him I was quite busy this week. So it's up to him to rearrange , yes? I'm free Wednesday and Friday (drinks with ex flatmate tomorrow, dinner with ex news of world journo on Thursday) So presuming he does mention it - friday is better, isnt it? God this stuff is complicated. far easier to just do what I feel, when I feel it…

mail (non smutty!) from the prof on linked in. ignore it , right?

mercury7 Mon 25-Feb-13 11:41:26

Julliette, perhaps the women you refer to wanted to be taken out, in part, because it reassured them that they were attractive & still had 'pulling power'?

Thats kind of understandable isnt it...I mean we all like a bit of validation and flattery?

mercury7 Mon 25-Feb-13 11:45:50

Snape, perhaps the prof is testing the water to see if you are still interested?
As for the other guy, it's a bit hard to say whats going on...it may be that health issues have alot to do with it?

OhWesternWind Mon 25-Feb-13 11:47:17

Snape - speaking as someone who tied herself up in knots wondering when/if/what to text etc etc, I have found life so much easier since I abandoned all of that and just did what I felt like. Why play games? We've had lots of debates on here about whether men like to chase, whether they appreciate someone being upfront and the thing is, I honestly don't believe it matters. If they like you, they won't be put off by how quickly you respond to a text or whether you or they text first.

Go with what your instincts are telling you, show him the real Snape - he's liked what he's seen so far!

ike1 Mon 25-Feb-13 11:48:11

Fed up today ...had a mouthful off ex because daughter should have gone into school in a welsh costume for photos. She was staying at his all weekend. I asked him if he had checked the bag forreminder notes.She went in last week in a costume but they obvs postponed it until today. He claims he did check...I doubt it.He called me a shit parent.

I reminded him that he was about to jet off for 10 days with the wman who helped him to cheat...hardly making him father of the year material. And yet again he has not made appointments for parents evening.Why? cos he is on frigging holiday!!

What was that about KARMA? Crikey I am so fed up of getting critisism. I am not a cake baking soccer mom but I try my best and never get any positive comments only constant and I mean constant critisism. I made alot of effort last year to get DS's Dyspraxia recognised by the school and ex-H mainly sat on his arse and tried to ignore the situation. I feel quite upset today at the injustice of it all. I am not someone who point scores by nature and find this sort of behaviour confusing and depressing.

Scrazy: "Snape, there is much truth in being cool and not initiating contact as they will do so if they want to and they love the chase, much as I hate to admit it. "

Can't speak for the other men on the thread but I can tell you for one that I don't love the chase and most men I know don't. Boys and girls play games, sensible men and women don't.

Mercury maybe it's a reassurance thing but it's possible to find complements online (whether genuine or not) without actually having to go and sit with a knobber for him to tell you. Maybe the attraction is getting dressed up and feeling they look good for the evening, which I do get.

raskolnikov Mon 25-Feb-13 12:07:29

Ike, I get this sort of criticism all the time from my ex - I've turned it around so that each time he complains I see that he's fully aware of all the effort I put in compared to the negligeable amount he does and that he's acknowledging he's not up to the job of adequate parent. Constant sniping at me goes straight over my head now - I'm told that showing disinterest in their difficulties is far more effective than rising to the bait -takes some practise tho!

Ike you are not a shit parent, he is PROJECTING. Ignore, do not engage and hope for sunburn on his bethonged arse.

ike1 Mon 25-Feb-13 12:13:09

Oh I ignore alot of it...but it does have a cumulative effect eventually..especially when you are on your own. I am left today feeling an inordinate amount of guilt.

Snapespeare Mon 25-Feb-13 12:16:08

bear in mind the 'real' snape can be a bit...scary, maybe. i don't know anymore. I think i could feasibly do with being a tiny bit 'needier' not the right word... a bit more silver-tongued? he's never going to build me any furniture, but he does know a lot about and loves music, so it strokes his ego a bit to be asked to select some tunes for me ... I recognise I can give the air of being utterly fabulous in all things and have no need of anyone else as I am perfectly able to do...everything. hmm & I think that can maybe be a tiny bit emasculating...

i think we're going to argue this one around in circles smile I think i shall stick to text/contact ping-pong unless i happen to see a chocolate penguin and have to send a pic of it...because it's a chocolate penguin (trust me there is a reason for this - penguin cam annnnnnd chocolate - I can legitimately send the odd text because i'm thinking about someone....right?

Scrazy Mon 25-Feb-13 12:20:28

Ike, I can understand how it would get on top of you. Parenting can be a thankless task without the other parent, whom you are no longer with, pulling you to pieces.

Voice, I guess the men I've been tangled up with are a different breed to the norm then, but maybe not when you scan through the self help books written for singles. I don't read them btw but have heard of them.

From a feminist perspective the idea might be that you don't need a man in your life to be happy so no need to put yourself on the line, just let them do the running, in the beginning at least.

Ike I know, it's horrible. It's made worse because you do your best, he dumps on you and then leaves you with those thoughts as he swans off into the sun. It is always worse when you're on your own, the thing I've always missed most is having someone to share the good and bad, laugh/cry with when parenting DS. Your DC love you, they will know who puts in the effort even if they don't show it. It's good they enjoy the time with their father but nothing can ever replace you and what you give them.

Snapespeare Mon 25-Feb-13 12:27:12

ike how on earth are you a shit parent hmm because he didn't do something. he is projecting his guilt at having an affair into a legitimisation of the affair by finding fault with you. in his head he had no choice but to have an affair because you are shit. numpty.

raskolnikov Mon 25-Feb-13 12:31:23

Ike - that guilty feeling is like a shadow hanging over things, isn't it? Wondering if things could have been done better - but since you're the one doing the parenting and he's the one running off with OW, you have to console yourself with the fact that you're still there and coping with whatever gets thrown your way - its shit, but its not of your making..

Snape - I recognise that feeling of having to get on and do everything and appearing to do it well - I'm on my own and having to sort out all sorts of crap, while I look at married friends who wouldn't dream of changing a plug, painting a ceiling or mowing a lawn because their DH takes care of it all - however, when ex bf repaired a light fitting for me a while ago, I did feel very.... girlish (and grateful) hmm smile

raskolnikov Mon 25-Feb-13 12:37:11

In his latest rant, exH complained that I have an unhealthy relationship with my DD (13) because we're too close!! WTF This is because she texts me when she's at his and he's watching the footie!

Snape I only realised rather late that there is a huge difference between playing games to create some sort of chase and not constantly being too available or accommodating. The (1970s hardcore) feminist in me has always rejected game playing, but I have made the mistake of being totally straight about the way I feel (which has I think been read as too available) and then being too accommodating in the past. It didn't serve me well, instead of the kind, spontaneous free spirit I saw myself as, I used to get taken for granted.

I also wondered a couple of months ago if I was coming across as scary and needed to 'soften up' the impression I was giving out. I realised that I was so used to meeting new people with my 'da Boss' dictatorial work persona that I was taking that to dates. I had to actually concentrate on showing my 'home/caring/I love DS side and now it seems to be happening naturally.

VelvetSpoon Mon 25-Feb-13 13:06:44

My ex has told me to my face I am an evil spoilt selfish bitch. I probably am. He's also told me I am the reason DS1 is overweight and why DS2 struggles at school - because I think only of myself.

I stopped caring about his opinion a long time ago. I have realised the more I restrict and limit contact between us, the happier I am.

Re the whole men and texting/contacting thing, I don't think all men like the chase. Some men do I'm sure, but not all. The happiest relationship I ever had was the one where I never tried to play it cool, or follow the rules and just said and did as I felt.

C I don't think (certainly not after some of the stuff he said on fri) is someone who wants to do all the chasing. Which is fine because I'm happy to do my share smile

Western, that's a good idea about lunch etc - however we work too far from each other to make it feasible. I don't know if weekends are possible because sat afternoon - sun eve is his time with his elder DC. We'll sort something out somehow though, where there's a will (even if it is mainly on my side...!) Etc smile

Scrazy Mon 25-Feb-13 13:10:54

It's the not being to available or accommodating that I mean by playing it cool.

raskolnikov Mon 25-Feb-13 13:13:45

Velvet - isn't the 'only thinking of yourself' not just the slow dawning realisation that you don't care what he thinks? I'm sure this is the case for me - my ex coming to terms with the fact that I'll move heaven and earth for my kids but can quite happily manage without any input from him whatsoever...

OhWesternWind Mon 25-Feb-13 13:20:43

Ike - what a crappy thing to say. Sounds like he has realised he's cocked up and is trying to shift the blame, attack being the best form of defence and all that. Still, it's horrible to have to listen to. The same with all of you who have this sort of thing from your exes. Just no need for it.

If I had a tenner for every time a man has said to me 'do what you want, you'll only do that anyway' (er, yes) I'd be vair rich hmm

This includes my elderly, creepy perve of a next door neighbour regarding the 2 metre fence I had put up to stop said perving. Apparently I'd 'hurt his feelings' by doing this and 'didn't I want to talk to him anymore' (er, no).

These out of control women who do want they want eh

Velvet I've not seen any evidence of it but I kind of do hope you really are an evil spoilt selfish bitch grin.

WarmFuzzyFun Mon 25-Feb-13 14:02:17

<salutes the Dating stalwarts>

Thinking of going onto the sofa, I tried you people know I've tried, but there isn't anyone close enough to where I am that is suitable. <big sigh> I am probably going to just keep going but honestly have all the suitable men gone into hibernation or something...

On other news...had a falling out with best friend as she decided to share my OD experiences with her boyfriend, who (thick ejjit) thought it was then okay to attempt to have a discussion with me, after only meeting me twice (briefly) before angry.

OhWesternWind Mon 25-Feb-13 14:11:30

Oh dear WFF that's a bit of a blooming cheek (on both their parts).

Things might improve a bit as the weather gets better and the sap starts rising . . .

WFF ew! I bet that went well grin

ike1 Mon 25-Feb-13 14:31:00

Thanks for your kind words everyone...huffed and puffed around M&S cant face going into col today. Ive got the beginnings of week long PMT too and I guess maybe feel a leetle bit miffed about yesterday (although perfectly fine about it logically).

It seems the kids were supposed to let the parents know about this rescheduling but it was also on Parent Mail which neither myself or ex H have signed up to (will rectify this tommoz). Plenty of kids didnt have uniforms on. T
he trouble is I think I might have had exH on a pedestal when married because he seemed so amenable to most things (very different from my father) I took this as him being a lovely person.

Now I realise that it is probably because he is quite weak and let me shoulder alot of stuff emotionally and practically without support.

One of my qualities (and I have plenty of negatives) is that I am a straight up type of person so find his blame shifting and sneakiness really difficult to deal with and I cant enter into the mind set at all. This means he often out manouveurs me when planning stuff for the kids is concerned.

Also he obviously now feels free to accuse me of all sorts and be out of hand in a way he would never have been when married because it suits him to do this now.

Its at times like these that I would like a special someone to give me a hug and some comfort and say 'never mind we'll go on a Sun coupons caravan holiday...i'll sort it love.'

ike1 Mon 25-Feb-13 14:43:07

soz not uniforms....costumes

WarmFuzzyFun Mon 25-Feb-13 14:47:22

Aww Ike, I'd like a man hug too [feeling sorry for myself emoticon]

Lots of big sighs here, and just had a bubble bath in the daytime as feeling out of sorts...

I may blend back into the shadows for a bit, lick my wounds, and ponder my navel.

WFF

howdidithappen Mon 25-Feb-13 15:18:31

HI there all... sorry to crash into the thread without an introduction but just want a bit of advise from you experienced daters...

What sites would you recommend to actually subscribe too ?

I know about POF, Match and Guardian, are there any others which you found to be ok ?

I dont want to subscribe to all of them and was wondering which one you would recommend.

Thanks all.

OhWesternWind Mon 25-Feb-13 15:25:08

WFF I had a daytime bath on Saturday - so comforting. Don't go back into lurkerdom, it's been great having you posting a lot on here.

Howdidit - hello there! PoF is a free site which requires a bit of judicious screening. I know some people have had some dodgy experiences on there, but I always found it to be okay and found a really nice man on there too, so I'm a fan. I went on Match to start off with but it was quite expensive and to be honest I didn't really find that the men on there were an improvement to the ones on the free sites. I think a lot depends on whereabouts in the country you are - a lot of the sites tend to be much better in the larger cities and frankly a bit crap if you're not. I think there was one man within twenty miles of me on Guardian Soulmates . . . I never contacted him but then I actually saw him in Sainsbury's car park one day and he looked a right miserable so-and-so.

MirandaWest Mon 25-Feb-13 15:49:22

Hello howdidit smile

I found my nice man on OK Cupid (although we were both signed up to POF and free dating I think). I wasn't really making a concerted effort but then he turned up smile

ike1 Mon 25-Feb-13 16:29:16

Hello my darlings thanks once again for empathy. I think just having the glabella area site for botox hasnt worked so well. I have a ridiculously expressive face and very thick dark eyebrows which now fly up my forehead but only at the ends. My son said immediately 'What have you done to your eyebrows? You look like a scary teacher?' So totally frozen forehead it is then when I return for fillers on fri.

Have been favourited by an interesting guy on POF. Does anyone ever contact the favourites?

Had identical advice from my mate re dealing with ex and his bloody complaining. Write it all down, she said and then arrange to discuss point by point clearly and without emotion. Similar to what you guys have said on here.

ike1 Mon 25-Feb-13 17:07:00

Howdid welcome love, do them all..it wont hurt and you may have more choice that way (cos there is alot of chaff).

ike - when I did OD the first time, I was favourited by a selection of women. There were a few in there I quite liked the look of so messaged them. Never received a reply from any of them.

I used to take DS on Sun coupon hols. Found it a bit lonely <pointless post>

I'm in the gym cafe, I don't want to go home to moody teen.

MirandaWest Mon 25-Feb-13 18:25:04

My XH is here as he looks after DC while I go and help at brownies (out of the goodness of my heart). I really don't especially like it - feels much too weird.

Plus DD just said I always put foil in the baking tray the wrong way round hmm

48howdidthathappen Mon 25-Feb-13 20:25:55

Bloody hell Ike you can be with someone for years and then wonder who the hell they are. Arsehole!

lubeybooby Mon 25-Feb-13 20:31:48

Hello all. I am happy having found a replacement for my much longed for and missed missing phase eight casual date dress. Calvin Klein and it's only a few dollars. and very very similar to the lost one. Hurrah! If I'm ever doing coffee again then I won't be fretting about what to wear.

ike1 Mon 25-Feb-13 20:41:41

48 it sure is a personality change! But thinking on it he did have a propensity to sleep with his mates' girlfriends when he was single. He lacked alot of confidence when I met him. I feel a bit like I have nurtured frankensteins monster sometimes..

Snapespeare Mon 25-Feb-13 20:42:33

<salutes lubeys dress>

I like nameless. We've been texting about books and chocolate penguins. I am going to be really pissed off if this goes tits up. hmm everyone concentrate really very hard for date six.

Concentrate!!!

McBuckers Mon 25-Feb-13 20:43:28

I signed up to Match.com 2 days ago and immediately seemed to hit it off with someone, sending jokey messages etc. Today he sends a message saying "Can we forget the small talk and pubs etc I want to have a long term relationship with someone like you but I really want to have sex with you, you can come here or I'll come to you".

I was so shocked, I've just come out of an eleven year relationship, have three children (one just nine months) and this is my first experience of Internet dating.

Is this what it's like now or have I just come across a rare tosser?

And just to put me under pressure my 6yr old daughter announced that she wants a step dad for her birthday!!!!!

Snapespeare Mon 25-Feb-13 20:51:26

I'm afraid that's generally how it is. Even more ridiculous, some women might actually get taken in by that bullshit.

ike1 Mon 25-Feb-13 20:53:58

Bloody hell McB he couldnt even managed to do the small talk until the first date ...good grief!

MirandaWest Mon 25-Feb-13 20:55:26

I have everything crossed for you Snape - chocolate penguins sound great smile

I need food. And to write mystery shopping reports hmm

KinNora Mon 25-Feb-13 20:56:47

Brief input from my sick bed -

flicks the v's at Ike's ex
admires Lubey's frock
psychically demands Fate delivers Snape's date número six
goes 'awwwww' at LM & R&R and Cuthbert
says hello to everyone

takes more drugs.

ike1 Mon 25-Feb-13 20:59:30

Oh dear wassup Kin you missing the homeland?

Bant Mon 25-Feb-13 21:09:02

McBuckers
Honestly, we're not all like that. OWW and Snape and others on here have had to do some weeding, but there are nice blokes out there. It's just that some people will pretend to be funny and charming and decent, you've got to wait until you've met them more than once to work out who's a knob and who's not. And grow a thick skin. It's like going out in real life, you'll get the occasional tosser talking to you, but being behind a keyboard can make people act more tossy than they would be in person

lubeybooby Mon 25-Feb-13 21:09:43

<sends extra drugs addressed to kins sickbed>

Thank you re: dress <twirls>

Snape... I'm concentrating, really really hard. I will do for five mins after posting this too, just to be sure.

McBuckers nothing shocks me any more on these sites. Shame if he seemed a decent guy to start with, they usually do and then WOAAAAAAAAH here comes the crazy/baaaaaaaaad/etc.

lubeybooby Mon 25-Feb-13 21:10:42

concentrating snape date six date six date six come on snape date six, c'mon nameless sort that date six date six date six

ike1 Mon 25-Feb-13 21:15:03

Soz Snape My powers of concentaration are less than zero today...but I have no doubt you will have the 6th date!

Snapespeare Mon 25-Feb-13 21:23:20

hmm at ike no date six here as yet. i wonder why

<hard stare>

Snape it's going to go well. You two have great communication, fun, book lists and penguins, it all sounds great. Date 6 will be soon.

Kin hope you feel much better soon.

Lubey yay for new date dress which is very important

McBuckers there are a lot of knobbers out there, and some genuinely nice men it just takes time to work out who is what.

ike1 Mon 25-Feb-13 21:37:31

I know Snape there's always one and its usually an Aquarian...

Snapespeare Mon 25-Feb-13 21:43:32

grin it had to be an Aquarian.. Never do what we're asked told asked! wink

Ugh. I want to lick every single inch of him. blush am going to bed with my phone on top of my wardrobe, so it is too out-of-reach to impart this information.

VelvetSpoon Mon 25-Feb-13 21:46:32

Snape if Cuthbert and I (who have practically no communication) can get to date 6, then it simply HAS to happen for you and Nameless smile

ike1 Mon 25-Feb-13 21:50:13

Honestly now Snape why do you guys not say at the end of the date see you such and such day...I suppose I dont understand this sort of stalemate situ...

ike1 Mon 25-Feb-13 21:51:06

Is it because of his fluctuating energy levels do you think?

Snapespeare Mon 25-Feb-13 22:00:23

Oh I don't get it either ike I guess so... It's extremely frustrating in a way I can't work out if I would rather have plans that get called off because he's beat, as opp to no plans at all... But I guess that would get annoying after a bit. Maybe. I'm kind of happy to fit around his energy levels...but I'll still plan other stuff...I'm not at the point where I am waiting for him to feel ok before I arrange my enter life hmm ...And he rests up if he knows he is going to be fucked to within an inch of his life has a busy day and then plans a rest day either side.

I've never been the type of person to set much store in being 'taken' hmm places. It felt really nice to be out with him last week, because it was a bit smiley-sunny to be out with him in public, holding hands and for people to think of us as a couple. blush on 99 levels that shouldn't matter shit... But it was still really very nice. I can go dancing, theatre, pub etc with my mates. I can curl up in a strokey/kissy/shaggy heap with him...

Gah! Date six! Come ON! Grrrrrrr!

ChooChooLaverne Mon 25-Feb-13 22:07:21

snape I think he really likes you. Maybe he just wants you to make all the plans.

McBuckers yuk. Does he expect you to say yes?!

Velvet sounds like Cuthbert is making an effort with the communication?

ike any joy with the eye bag concealer?

I have to say I've been a bit taken aback by my veeeery brief experience of online dating. I've been lurking on here for a while and have been looking at profiles mostly with a sense of horror before I actually got round to filling in my profile, not expecting very much. But after my very nice first date with lovely man on Saturday he's emailed me to arrange another date and does seem genuinely lovely. I wasn't sure if there was a spark when I met him but I think that was probably more my lack of self-confidence because I assumed that he didn't like me like that rather than how I saw him. But when I saw he'd emailed I've come over all funny and he paid me a lovely compliment that hints that he could possibly see me as more than just a friend <faints>

VelvetSpoon Mon 25-Feb-13 22:09:58

I never arrange anything with Cuthbert at the end of dates either. Would be nice if we did, though there is a sort of emerging pattern that I will see him on Fridays if he's free...other than that due to work and DC we're a bit limited of course.

Flipper924 Mon 25-Feb-13 22:19:15

Am concentrating, Snape, it means I can't think about the fact that I have nothing treat-like to snack on. I'm not a big fan of dieting, but a bit of justified comfort eating has taken it's toll.

Yay for dress, Lubey. Hope you have cause to wear it soon.

Sorry you're poorly, Nora.

Ike, nice of your ex to remind you why you're better off without him.

All else sounds reasonably positive, I shall hope some of this rubs off on me.

Scrazy Mon 25-Feb-13 22:20:37

Choochoo, it's quite possible that you have struck lucky first time. I hope so, enjoy your second date.

48howdidthathappen Mon 25-Feb-13 22:35:36

I never arrange anything with Mr R&R, I think he finds it a bit odd, but goes with the flow. I may ask him if he would prefer to plan in advance. I would be a little disappointed as like him texting to ask when he can see me. I have asked him three times first now as feel its a tad selfish of me.

He has also asked if he can come with me to see my horses, I have always put him off. Going to ask if he wants to this weekend. Got to let him into the rest of my life.

6th date on order snape

ike1 Mon 25-Feb-13 22:38:58

ChooChoo that sounds great! Hopefully it will save you the hassle of trawling through the desperados.

Can you not just say a date and time Snape and then leave the details till the day before....I just would need to know a date in advance and possibly would start getting a bit pissy if this non arranging thing carried on. That's not an unreasonable thing to do y'know.