Mumsnet Talk

Has never lived independently in his life before and now doesn't like his new hard-partying flatmates, or something. Have refused to be drawn in to by his big sighs and leading comments on this. Don't know or care what the issue is. There's tons of rooms to rent around here. No one else would expect me to sort this out for them, would they?

I've said no and will continue to say no but as our DD was there, I couldn't even begin to explain why. He left early in a huff. (First contact in a week since DD and I have been away seeing family friends - lovely for DD.)

I posted recently about my problems with him taking the piss during contact time and treating my home like his own. I proposed more structured contact arrangements and have my lovely ex-au pair and her housemate moving back in as lodgers shortly. This means that it will be very straightforward to separate ExH contact and childcare. It also means that there is no room, whatsoever, anywhere in my flat.

ExH had responded by claiming to be likely moving to another town (due to work issues which haven't actually happened yet) where he would only be able to see DD at weekends. I thought it sounded ideal but apparently this is now off the agenda. I think he wanted me to beg him not to go for DD's sake but think this arrangement would suit all of us.

I know I don't owe him any explanations and he would neither understand nor care about anything I say but I'm itching to write a long email setting out exactly how unreasonable his request, his general behaviour and his attitudes are.

I shouldn't waste my energy. I just can't believe that he had the nerve to even ask me.

you are absolutely 100% correct - his request is beyond unreasonable but I wouldn't waste your time emailing him. That is very unlikely to change his behaviour or attitude and will just take up more of your time and energy.

Good riddance to bad rubbish. Confirmation that he's an arse.

Do not feel sorry for him, repeat do not!

Don't waste your energy.

Broken record: "no, that won't be possible". Over and over.

Yep, use your energy elsewhere (on you and dc)

"no" is a complete sentence

no long winded explanations required

Thanks for the voices of sanity. Sometimes the things exH says and does are so bonkers that it shakes my confidence in my own judgment.

- His request was beyond unreasonable

- Do not feel sorry for him

- "No, that will not be possible" on loop

- No is a complete sentence

(Will be chanting.these to myself in bed tonight to keep my mind clear...)

What a dick.

Here is hoping he now goes for more structured weekend only access with more support and focus on your DD.

If he was harbouring some whimsical idea that you would bail him out, hopefully now that has been extinguished and he'll let it drop. If he asks again, send a letter and email to keep it formal and official he cannot return!

Wow, is the one who ended the relationship?

is he I meant..

I'd like to suggest an addition to 'No, that will not be possible' for when he demands to know WHY it's not possible. Will the phrase 'because I don't want you living here' get the op into any legal difficulty? IMO, answering him with technical reasons (like lack of space) will just get him engaging with glee over technicalities and then you might get worn down and cave in. It is much harder for him to argue that you do actually like him, honest! [Grin]

I agree with Herrera, it's important to state that you don't want him there.

All the other stuff he's doing, flailing around, work move etc are feeble attempts to manipulate and panic you into complying with his wishes.

Good God no!!! It's your home. In fact he should stop even stepping over the threshold & just pick up & drop off your DC for contact. That way he will stop feeling so entitled!!

It sounds as though he's confusing you with his mother!
Agree say no and if he keeps going on about his housing problems to you then suggest he sees the kids elsewhere so you don't have to listen to him moaning. You are his exwife, his problems are now not your problems as well.

Mimi: I ended it, though it took me too long. ExH is a feckless, spendthrift, functional alcoholic. Typical backstory.

LittleT: yes, would be good if he could focus on dd and what she needs from contact with him. He hasn't once considered the confusion for her (he asked while she was standing right next to me).

Has never considered her in his two years of "planning to move out", meaning that she was 3 when he finally went, rather than 1.

"I don't want you living here" - yeah, you can't argue with that one! He might still try...

He completely confuses me with his mother. She's a well-intentioned martyr who stayed with his alcoholic abusive father despite the impact on their now very messed up children. As compensation she rescues them from every tiny problem of adult life. (Will probably sort out his housing if he phones her...) Most of them are very entitled, needy and dependent. It's like something out of a textbook.

I'm taking dd out to the aquarium later today and will try to put exH out of mind. Didn't get to sleep until after 3am. ExH is meant to turn up soon but I don't think he will after his huff last night and I'm not going to phone him.

Write it down on paper for yourself, just to get it out of your system. Then shred it / burn it! It's cathartic.
Don't let him back in, he's chancing his arm. Even recalcitrant teenagers are less of a pain to deal with than the 'Peter Pan Man' that never grows up and takes responsibility,

Turned up briefly to borrow hoover and carpet cleaner! Plan to move to nearby town is apparently suddenly back on and he's advertising his room today...

Am still declining to comment on his plans. Did lend him the cleaning stuff though and gave him details of self-storage nearby.

Think he was offended that neither me nor dd reacted. (He shouldn't start this kind of conversation in front of her. Sometimes I think he wants to upset her.)

He also accused me of being rude to him yesterday. How? By not letting him finish a sentence at some point. I'd forgotten about that particular weirdo trait. He used to try and insist that I should always make sure he had completely, entirely finished what he wanted to say before making any response (even "I see" or raising an eyebrow!)...

I've explained many times that normal human conversation relies on interaction and eventually just ignored him. Even taking no notice of this 'edict', it did make talking to him exhausting.

God, I can now imagine him spouting that toss to dd.

Hope he finds somewhere in new town tomorrow.

Here's hoping, CW !

And if it all mysteriously falls through and he's left without a place to sleep, it sounds like his Mum will be able to help him out .

My ex asked me for money.
I asked if his family wouldn't be more appropriate people to ask and he said his grown up step daughter was skint at the moment - I'd meant his mother.

Yes, absolutely no shame in asking for money on my ex's part either. Treats money like water, especially money earned by me.

Am much better off financially since he went.

I think you are quite rightly detaching & establishing firm boundaries, like with a very entitled teenager in fact!

"I don't want you living here" is good.

Also

"Because the relationship is over"

Both fine to say in front of DD. Also another point for you to remember - "I don't owe him anything".

Re your supposed rudeness: he's trying to get you to engage in an argument so that he can feel smug and superior and in control. Ignoring it is exactly the right response to frustrate him

Often people who go on about not wanting to be interrupted are those who love the sound of their own voices and can quite happily do a 10 minute monologue before they draw breath.
If your ex is like this I'd point out that if he wasn't so tediously long winded and gave you a chance to talk you wouldn't need to interrupt and if he doesn't like the way you speak he doesn't have to visit your house.

His problems are no longer your problems or responsibility.

End of.

YY. NO, No, no.

OP you should consider a career as an author. In 25 posts I actually despise your EX as a feckless, aclo ponce.

The tragedy is that he's not fiction.

YOU on the other hand sound bloody awesome.

Stay strong xx