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His affair and no sex - am I being stupid?

(36 Posts)
louisianna Fri 22-Feb-13 21:21:08

Bit long winded but my husband had an affair which I found out about a year ago. I'd warned him that I was uncomfortable with how close he was getting to a work colleague and he just told me not to be daft about 5 months before I found out. Anyway, I was suspicious and read his phone. He told me that they never had sex just fooled around and that he didn't know why he'd done it he was just struggling with our changed circumstances.
We had recently had a child and when she was 8 months old I accidentally got pregnant. I had antenatal depression during both pregnancies and I'm generally unwell during pregnancy so I'm not the easiest person to live with but instead of trying to sort out our problems he started the affair -I was 4 months pregnant at the time. To add to my problems he has made no secret of the fact that he finds my body completely unattractive when pregnant so wont have sex.

Anyway, my second child is now 9 months old and we still haven't had sex. He says he's having performance issues but I'm not sure I believe him. I'm really struggling to believe that it's him and that its not just that he finds me completely unattractive. I am back to my pre pregnancy weight, make sure that if we go out I always make an effort with my appearance. He says he will go and see some kind of sexual counsellor with me but I really feel like its just me he doesn't want no matter how many times he tells me that's not the case.
I don't know if I'm just being stupid and he's just playing me for a fool or if there really is some other issue.
The other problem is that I actually need to have sex and cannot stay in a relationship where that just isn't an option. I don't want to have an affair especially as I know how that feels. i just don't know what to do.
Other than this things between us have been really good and we've talked through the issues that we had when he had the affair and resolved most of them. This is the only problem. He's also a great dad and really does do his fair share so I feel as though I'm being selfish making such a big deal out of what is only one part of a good relationship.
Help!

badinage Fri 22-Feb-13 22:08:22

It's surely a big part though isn't it? This thing that distinguishes you from just being friends, flatmates or co-parents?

I just can't see what you've been getting out of what's supposed to be a trusting intimate relationship. No sex, no fidelity, lots of lies.

If you were just going out with him, wouldn't you think there was someone better?

badinage Fri 22-Feb-13 22:13:29

Do a bit of research about the madonna-whore complex incidentally. I think your partner can only have sex with women who aren't the mothers of his children, or who aren't mothers at all. I very much doubt he's asexual given his affair history. I think ever since you were pregnant, he's looked outside the relationship for sex - and intends for that to continue, while you remain faithful and frustrated. Don't be as bad as him to even the score. Just stop believing he's faithful and either confront him with his lies or get out and find a better man.

CailinDana Fri 22-Feb-13 22:13:41

Firstly I hate to say it but he absolutely did have sex with the other woman. Definitely. So you need to get him to stop lying about that first and foremost. After that it's time to evaluate whether this relationship is worth anything.

WafflyVersatile Fri 22-Feb-13 22:22:15

Counselling isn't a bad place to start. If he, and you, will actually go.

Maybe he's terrified of making you pregnant again, 2 kids so close together is pretty full on.

ClippedPhoenix Fri 22-Feb-13 22:45:23

Umm well, having two children so close together? well it does take two to make them and it takes two to take responsibility for having them so on that score, he's in it too. So i don't really understand what Waffly is implying here, unless it's the OP's fault somehow which it clearly isn't.

I do however think that the OP's husband is a arse.

AnyFucker Fri 22-Feb-13 22:50:01

This man isn't much of a prize, is he ?

What the fuck are you hanging onto him for ?

Father of your dc he may be...but more than that ?

Nah

ImperialBlether Fri 22-Feb-13 23:16:49

OK - he had an affair when you were pregnant. And not only pregnant but with a toddler, too.

I know what that's like; it's happened to me.

He wouldn't have spent all that time with her without having sex. The fact he finished it shows it wasn't a love match, it was a sexual relationship.

And now he's not having sex with you. Do you think that relationship has continued? Do you think another has started?

Personally, I regret those years when someone who was supposed to love me was refusing to have sex with me and was having it with someone else. I realise now I'm worth more than that. I hope you realise it sooner than I did.

ClippedPhoenix Fri 22-Feb-13 23:17:28

Barefoot and pregnant comes to mind here whilst he whores around?

keepcalmandkickon Fri 22-Feb-13 23:27:16

But counselling will only work if you are both 100% honest and committed to moving forward together.

I would be very surprised if he hadn't had sex with the OW - was there anything in particular that made you believe him when he said that he hadn't had sex with her and had just fooled around? Bearing in mind this is a man who was prepared to cheat on you in the first place......

tessa6 Fri 22-Feb-13 23:33:41

This will die without honesty. You must insist on counselling, op. he's getting away with murder. Of course they had sex and with him lying about that what else is he lying about?

ClippedPhoenix Fri 22-Feb-13 23:44:56

Insisting on councilling with a cheating arse is the same as going to councilling with an abusive one. its the same but dressed up differently. I'd go to councilling purely for you op. On your own to sort YOUR head out.

tessa6 Fri 22-Feb-13 23:47:55

Some people find a third party in the room suddenly makes them aware how terribly they're being treated; almost like taking a sour dark relationship out in to the light. But until some truth emerges this is an appalling and false situation for the poor OP.

ClippedPhoenix Fri 22-Feb-13 23:51:36

Disagree. He will lie like he always has done.

It will be, I cheated because she somehow made me?

A person that respects themselves doesn't cheat. A person that values another doesnt cheat. Its a very simple equasion.

tessa6 Fri 22-Feb-13 23:53:48

Op you have evidence that he will always lie to you when confronted. How and why on earth do you trust him? He is not being faithful to you? Do you mind?

WafflyVersatile Fri 22-Feb-13 23:58:21

I'm not implying anything except having a second kid accidentally so soon after the first might be affecting his abilities in some way.

louisianna Fri 22-Feb-13 23:59:41

Thanks everyone for your responses.
Badinage, you are absolutely right, if I was just going out with him I'd already have left by now but we have two kids so its not that easy. I have thought about what you said re the madonna/whore complex and that has got me thinking about whether he does just have an issue now that I've become a mother - not that that excuses his behaviour.
The reason that I believed him re not having sex with the OW, apart from the fact that I wanted to believe him, was that he said he didn't because he believed that if he wasn't having sex with her then he wasn't really having an affair. Kind of twisted but it kind of made sense! Anyway, whether he had sex with her or not was not my biggest issue with it - he had an emotional affair with her that had been going on for months - that was much more hurtful to me than whether or not he had sex. He had a relationship in every sense with someone else. The issue now is that he won't have sex with me and how we fix it and if we can't whether its worth leaving over, bearing in mind we have 2 small children and it feels very selfish of me.
Regarding counselling - I had counselling on my own to get me brought the rest of my pregnancy as I was really worried that all the stress might harm the baby so I had to get some control over my emotions and it did help. However,I had couples counselling during a previous relationship and it didn't help - made me feel worse - I was in an emotionally abusive relationship at the time - so I'm reluctant to go down that route again. Has it worked for anyone else?

ClippedPhoenix Fri 22-Feb-13 23:59:59

Accidentally? his abilities? really?

ClippedPhoenix Sat 23-Feb-13 00:03:53

Stop worrying about how HE feels and worry about you and your childrens happiness.

All he has done is cheat, cheat, cheat.

Herrena Sat 23-Feb-13 00:12:48

clipped I think you're being a little unfair about what waffly said, and I say that as someone who did accidentally have two kids very close together (got pregnant when DS1 was 4.5mo). Even now I am somewhat paranoid about having sex because I am scared of getting pregnant again (even though that's very unlikely). So that can happen.

However, I don't think it is happening in the case of the op's husband; he sounds like he has officially checked out and is getting sex elsewhere. He has a history of lying and seems to be a selfish arse who thinks he can do what he likes. I'd get rid if I could. Sorry op sad

badinage Sat 23-Feb-13 01:17:01

Bloody hell. Someone, somewhere has really done a number on you if you truly think it would be selfish of you to leave a relationship like this. Don't you think it's more selfish to have an affair when your partner is at their most vulnerable, lie about what happened and then expect that person to live a life devoid of intimacy and sex?

It's not selfish to want a sex life. Nor is it selfish to want a relationship with someone you trust and who is faithful. These are minimum standards frankly. You haven't even got those and you're wondering whether it would be selfish to get out of this relationship and seek something else?

If you're worried about the kids, it does them no favours seeing their mother treated like the brood mare, housekeeper and matriarch while their father contracts out romance and sex to outside their home. Is that the version of a marriage you want them to see?

It really frustrates me that so many women have been raised to think that an absence of sex is such a minor deal and that it would be 'selfish' to complain or better still, vote with their feet. The only relationships worth having are with people you'd be with regardless of kids, money, houses or marriage contracts. If you wouldn't be with him without all those, don't be with him at all.

Littleturkish Sat 23-Feb-13 04:18:14

Agree completely with bandinage

ImperialBlether Sat 23-Feb-13 11:18:49

Me too. Absolutely.

AnyFucker Sat 23-Feb-13 13:21:57

Thirds

RobDile197 Sat 23-Feb-13 20:38:25

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Strange Rob, you are encouraging another poster on a different thread to get her husband a whore? confused

wallypops Sat 23-Feb-13 21:47:09

Sorry but this is not going to be what you want to hear. I may be reading this wrong but I lived pretty much exactly what you are going through. It isn't you, it is not the way you look or anything you do or don't do. It is pretty classic - you have had 2 pregnancies, that you probably wanted more than he did. He said he wanted kids, made all the right noises, but when faced with the reality of the situation, it wasn't what he really wanted at all so he ran off and had, and is still having an affair. No sex with you, just means that he is getting it somewhere else. It is fun for him fucking with your head, and trust me he is lying full time to you. No doubt the pregnancies were your fault.

You can wait and prepare for your future without him, but unless you can live with the situation as it is, that is really the only choice. For me when I finally discovered (2 days after our divorce) that he had been unfaithful from the 3rd month of my first pregnancy, until after the birth of our second child, it made so much sense of the mess. By that time I no longer had any other feelings apart from fear and loathing. Very abusive and manipulative person, not to mention an alcohol abuser and compulsive gambler with massive debts.

To keep my marriage together I justified so much of his behaviour, put up with appalling sexual bullying, and just general abuse. When he threatened whilst very drunk to have the kids put into care, he stepped over the line, and I saw a lawyer (who was crap). 4 lawyers later, and an excellent psychiatrist I am finally in control of my life. My advice is use this time to get a professional team in place - lawyer, shrink the works.

This is the most brilliant article, that should help you put it into perspective and it certainly made me feel better.

Darkesteyes Sat 23-Feb-13 22:57:49

Yep Binfull Rob is really showing up the double standards isnt he? So what you saying then Rob? Are you another mysogynist who thinks "well da wimmin dont really like sex anyway but men need their oats so they cant go without #EverydaySexism

rodandtheemu Sat 23-Feb-13 23:30:39

What a bloody stupid thing to say rob?

Personally i dont think his refusal to make love to you is actually about sex, I think its more showing of how he feels about u emotionaly

OP people put up with all different kinds of shades of shit to 'keep the family together'' what ends up happining most of the time is both partners end up dispising each other in the end, the kids pick up on it and you will lose your self esteem and think its better to have him this way than not at all.

What your kids need is a happy mum, some one who isnt being treated the way you are, not some one who is being left to stagnate. I coulnt bear it if my DP wouldnt touch me.

Dont have an affair for sex, go for a seperation, get some strength back.

Reassess in 6 months -- he could be with some one else or begging for you back..either way you will have a better perspective on whats going on.

good luck x

AnyFucker Sat 23-Feb-13 23:51:10

Rob...go pluck your hands, mate

Darkesteyes Sat 23-Feb-13 23:53:56

AF i just laughed and spat my hot choc. xx thanks

AnyFucker Sat 23-Feb-13 23:55:30

he's wanked himself stupid

Darkesteyes Sun 24-Feb-13 02:37:17

grin grin

TheAccidentalExhibitionist Sun 24-Feb-13 13:10:45

Rob take the hint, you're not wanted here.

CressidaFitass Sun 24-Feb-13 17:15:55

wallypops speaks sense.

I think you should speak to a lawyer OP. Then when you know what the future could be, and you've had a chance to get used to the idea, you can deal with the problem in a matter of fact way - without the fear or panic about the future hanging over you.

And stop trying to please him. What do you really want out of life for yourself, OP? Then aim for it.

AThingInYourLife Sun 24-Feb-13 20:11:36

badinage x 4

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