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Should one message this guy just for the sheer comedy value??

(49 Posts)
lookslikeacoconut Fri 22-Feb-13 15:29:09

I am never knowingly in fashion. I have been described as a cross between The Duke of Wellington and Magnum PI. I go to the gym 12 times a day (14 times on weekends). Let's face it, I'm built like a brick shithouse. I have more tattoos than Edinburgh. My motorbike has more power than Geoff Capes. I speak with a disarmingly smooth French accent. I am an animal in bed (chinchilla). I have a portfolio of property that makes Kensington look like Billingham. I believe I can fly. I can fly. I taught Cliff Richard the secret of eternal youth. I look twice before crossing the road, sometimes thrice. I brush regularly - hair, teeth, pets (where applicable). I am an ex-member of the magic circle (still know the tricks). I never judge a book by its cover ? softback, hardback, e-book, whatever. I never judge a judge by her lover. I close all gates behind me, except in airports. I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth. I make any dinner feel a banquet. I am kind to dumb animals. I am dumb before kind animals, and afterwards. I never put the cart before the horse, or the chicken before the china shop. I let the tail wag the dog, and the dog lead the blind. In the land of the one eyed blinds-salesman I am king. I am the cloud in the silver lining, and the househusband with the pile of ironing, and the boy with the last ever bottle of empty white lightning. I am ad nauseum, ad infinitum. I am your buy-one-get-one-free cheapest item. I am a beta male. I am the tortoise on wheels, the turbo-charged snail. I love my mother. I wash daily (minimum). I eat up all my greens. I leave the legs on insects. I keep my eyes above, always above, a lady's neckline unless invited lower (in writing). I help old men across the road. This is what a feminist looks like. I keep my fingernails clean. I bite my fingernails. I no longer have any fingernails. I am all ears. I am more than just ears. I cannot tell a lie. I fillet, chop, dice, and slice. I never stop. I last a lifetime. I mow the lawn. I remove unwanted facial hair. I get rid of embarrassing spots. I deliver the pizza. I lengthen, and I strengthen. I can help get rid of your gambling debts, and quit smoking. I'm a friend, and a companion. I'm the only thing you will ever need. Follow my easy assembly instructions. I never need ironing. I take weights off hips, bust, thighs, chin, midriff. I can find you a new job. I can give you minty fresh breath. I can get rid of your traveler's checks. I'm new. I'm improved. I'm old-fashioned. I never need winding. I get rid of blackheads, and the heartbreak of psoriasis. I'm effective at getting rid of household odours. I disinfect, and sanitize for your protection. I am fully guaranteed. All money back if not completely satisfied. Your statutory rights are not affected.


"The thinking woman's Clive Dunn... what's not to like?" - Heat magazine
"The most eligible bachelor since Edward VIII fell for Mrs Simspon" - Tatler
"... girls are fainting in droves for this Teesside Adonis" - Evening Gazette
"Funnier than Gary Wilmot" - The Sun
"If you like him, you should put a ring on it" - Beyonce

MrsBombastic Fri 22-Feb-13 15:30:35

Yep! grin

grin Oh Yes!

MushroomSoup Fri 22-Feb-13 15:32:21


PeppermintPasty Fri 22-Feb-13 15:34:55

Another yes. But you have to go on a date with him and you have to come back here and tell us all about it.

SaskiaRembrandtVampireHunter Fri 22-Feb-13 15:40:11


Lovingfreedom Fri 22-Feb-13 15:42:01

With a GSOH like that...definitely.


HDee Fri 22-Feb-13 15:44:59

He sounds like a twat. I think I'd be eternally single should I ever get divorced.

Sailormercury Fri 22-Feb-13 15:48:41

Please! And then report back.

How about a live date thread? You could go to the bathroom a couple of times to update us.

Or have a friend strategically placed in the restaurant/coffee shop to do the necessary?

MarinaIvy Fri 22-Feb-13 16:06:03

Yes please! Ooh, what would you text, then?

MarinaIvy Fri 22-Feb-13 16:08:27

Ooh, I've just changed my mind upon re-reading.

Even though he fillet chops, slices and dices, he doesn't say he makes julienne fries.

I'm sorry, but that's my dealbreaker. grin

lookslikeacoconut Fri 22-Feb-13 18:59:25

:-) at HDee - he could be a complete twat, or a comedy genius - it could go either way.
that's the 'fun' of online dating !

Still disappointed by my 5th online date, earlier this week. If I can muster the strength, I'll message him and definitely report back.

Havent strategically placed a friend in the next booth or anything before, will def have to try that.

Cluffyfunt Fri 22-Feb-13 19:03:06

Oh yes!
I like him grin

makemineapinot Fri 22-Feb-13 19:06:50


MatureUniStudent Fri 22-Feb-13 19:11:27

omgosh - how did you ever manage to read all that? Noooo run, run fast and for the hills.

PandaNot Fri 22-Feb-13 19:12:30

Definitely yes!!

MechanicalTheatre Fri 22-Feb-13 19:14:38

He could be a laugh, at least it's a bit different.

OutsideOverThere Fri 22-Feb-13 19:17:20

He sounds like really hard work, sorry.

EllaFitzgerald Fri 22-Feb-13 19:24:22

The fact that he mows the lawn would be enough for me to message him!

Bogeyface Fri 22-Feb-13 19:25:46

Trying waaaaaaaaay too hard. Just guessing but I think that he would be all about him, not much time left for you.

Roseformeplease Fri 22-Feb-13 19:28:51

I would google this. It does not read as if written by someone who is not a professional writer. Also, spells cheque, "checks" (US spelling) so suspicious of plagiarism.

Mendi Fri 22-Feb-13 19:30:58

I've read versions of that profile about 3 times. This guy may be the original, but I doubt it. Avoid.

UnrequitedSkink Fri 22-Feb-13 19:33:24

No-one in the US has ever heard of Billingham (no-one south of York has ever heard of Billingham), I say it's genuine. Message him! Does he have a profile pic that we can go and judge?

AnyFucker Fri 22-Feb-13 19:39:40

People are seriously thinking that pile of bilge is a GOOD thing ? confused

Wallace Fri 22-Feb-13 19:39:52

Part of it is lyrics from a Tom Waits song called Step Right Up, I think.

WhatALark Fri 22-Feb-13 19:48:17

Yup, quite a lot of it is lifted from Tom Waits.

Roseformeplease Fri 22-Feb-13 19:53:35

Plagiarism doesn't mean they can't change the odd thing!

perplexedpirate Fri 22-Feb-13 19:56:30

I'm a little bit in love with him already! blush

ProphetOfDoom Fri 22-Feb-13 19:56:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Limelight Fri 22-Feb-13 20:06:07

He's got a good review from the Evening Gazette. Only Journey South and Juninho get that sort of honour. He's a keeper! wink (revealing my Teesside credentials).

Busybusybust Fri 22-Feb-13 20:19:42

Ho, yussssssss!!!!!!!! He sounds great! Go for it!

PandaNot Fri 22-Feb-13 20:44:15

Ys it was the Teesside link that did it for me too, blokes from Teesside rarely go to that much effort so he's worth a look!

KatyPeril Fri 22-Feb-13 20:51:52

I'll take him!

UterusUterusGhali Fri 22-Feb-13 20:58:05

Oh god no!

NotDavidTennant Fri 22-Feb-13 21:05:24

Wow, Colin Hunt on coke...

issey6cats Fri 22-Feb-13 21:28:24

i saw a really witty profile like this on POF sent a message just to say he had given me the best laugh of the week and what a witty profile, got a message back THANkS that was it so i dont bother now

GeordieCherry Fri 22-Feb-13 21:38:40

Yes! I would, I loved Internet dating but can't do it no more (27 weeks pg for me with eHarmony DP wink)

lookslikeacoconut Fri 22-Feb-13 21:53:10

PandaNot You had to bring up the Teesside Bloke, didn't you.
Was trying to ignore that curious little phenomenon, in my desperate quest for true love.

I'd better message this one quick. And if he doesn't reply, someone kill me please. :-(

SweetSeraphim Fri 22-Feb-13 23:07:18

Did you message him? Did you get a reply? grin

PuddingWhine Fri 22-Feb-13 23:16:24

that was quite tedious. it didn't make me laugh. it might have been clever, but was it his own work? if it is he's trying very hard. if it's not he will disappoint you. he could have taken six weeks to tweak that self-conscious humble clever normal quirky stuff. don't buy it.

but because i'm nosey, go on a date with him and tell us if he;s off-the-cuff humorous.

PuddingWhine Fri 22-Feb-13 23:18:36

sanitise with a z?!

lifted straight from god knows where in america

ClippedPhoenix Fri 22-Feb-13 23:20:53

He's a twat and a bitter one at that but your call.

KoalaFace Fri 22-Feb-13 23:34:22

Could be a laugh, could be a twat. Like any first date really! If it made you laugh at the very least you have the same sense of humour (even if plagiarised - its what makes him laugh) and at best he actually thought it up and will be able to make you laugh some more.

ClippedPhoenix Fri 22-Feb-13 23:38:16

A normal person doesn't write stuff like that surely and sooo much of it?

A joke here or there on themselves is quite endearing but to reel it off?

very bizzar in my book.

Bogeyface Sat 23-Feb-13 00:09:43

Ok, having read that it was nicked from a song I am now being more sympathetic.

Either he is a hard work dickhead, or he is a nice guy with a sense of humour but who doesnt have much confidence. I would risk a date in the hope that it was number 2, but would have an "emergency call" on stand by in case it was number 1!

EllaFitzgerald Sat 23-Feb-13 01:42:50

Hmm, less convinced now I know it's not his own work, but it's still a bit more original than the "genuine" line a lot of men use on those sites. Best case scenario, you meet someone interesting. Worst case scenario (assuming he's not a crackpot) you've got an entertaining story to update us with. I love the 'live date' idea!

lookslikeacoconut Sat 23-Feb-13 09:02:19

Emergency call - or the Escape Call phone app, for the more seasoned O dater ! :-)

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