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Feeling desperate about husbands affair

(59 Posts)
Isabeth Thu 21-Feb-13 22:03:11

I found out on Monday that my husband has gone back to an affair that he ended 18 months ago. I am devastated, he is very confused about what he wants and has moved out to try and work it out. He is not a bad person but has seriously lost his way am I crazy to even consider having him back?

EllaFitzgerald Thu 21-Feb-13 22:19:44

Not crazy, no. You can't help how you feel. However, without wishing to sound harsh, has he said that he actually wants to come back? Were you able to have joint counselling 18 months ago?

sarahseashell Thu 21-Feb-13 22:22:01

sad sorry to hear this it's not fair on you.
sod what he wants - why not make the decision for him and tell him he can't come back? you deserve better

Isabeth Thu 21-Feb-13 22:30:29

I don't know what he wants but my guess is that he will go to her. I don't want him back unless it is what he wants but I also don't want to make his and her life easy by making that decision for him and sending him away to be with her. I want him to make that decision as he will find it very difficult and will really make him think about what he wants but there is a part of me that feels I have no respect for myself for even considering a future with him. I can't imagine a future without him for me and my girls but maybe I am just scared.

Isabeth Thu 21-Feb-13 22:35:03

No counselling and not enough talking he came back because he was scared I think and I could not face up to the fact that he was still thinking about her so did not face up to the reality. I wrongly thought that if I changed what had been wrong in our relationship it would all be ok but i now realise that he either had no closure from the relationship with her or she is who he really wants to be with. If we did not have kids it would be much easier but there is so much to loose.

SilverClementine Thu 21-Feb-13 22:35:47

I admire your sensible approach at what must be a very hard time. You're not crazy at all for wanting him back, I think it sounds perfectly normal in the circumstances. It sounds like some space will do you all the world of good.

If he has gone back to her after an 18 month gap, it doesn't bode well i'm afraid. If he really does want to come back then he is really going to have to work at getting you back, and that is where your self esteem and respect come in. Please don't just accept him back if he comes tail between the legs. Make him prove he is committed through going to couples therapy or something like that. Otherwise you'll never know if he is just going to do it again. He needs to rebuild your trust.

Best of luck and a big hug from me x

Isabeth Thu 21-Feb-13 22:38:45

Thank you. This whole blogging thing is new to me but I feel like I am going crazy and need some advice! The upside is that I have not eaten for a week so feeling very thin!

sarahseashell Thu 21-Feb-13 22:39:47

It's completely understandable and it's natural to be scared - it's the unknown. He'll also have totally worn down your self esteem with the affair and his dreadful behaviour. If he 'chooses' you you could be spending the rest of your life worrying he'll just do it again. If it was one of your girls in the situation I think you'd find the answer a fairly simple one. You've got to do what feels right for you though OP. There's lots of support available on here

Isabeth Thu 21-Feb-13 22:46:13

You have all said what I know is true and that is that if he has gone back after 18 months things are not looking good! you are also completely right that if it was my daughter i know what i would be telling them - it is no coincidence that i have not told my mum yet! My guess is that I will be on here again in a couple of days saying he has gone and where do I go from here. Thanks for such quick support x

TDada Thu 21-Feb-13 22:56:11

Hi-I think that you have to find a way of feeling in control....not all the decisions are hers. You cannot afford to be 100pc the victim. Things will slowly get better once you start feeling likeyouhave some control and not completely at her mercy.

Isabeth Thu 21-Feb-13 23:07:51

I know I have lost all control of my own life and whatever happens it has got to be better than this if I get control back. Bizarrely I don't think the other woman has any control either and my husband has lost his self respect - I don't think anyone will win in the end. I think I know it is over so already trying to think about the future without him.

Wereonourway Thu 21-Feb-13 23:21:05

So sorry op, I'm really not qualified to give any advice but just wanted to say how awful this must be and that you seem so dignified.
As others have said, stay strong, maybe tell your mum? You will need real life support I'd imagine.
I've never been in your situation but know that when my ex was abusive telling my mum was a huge hurdle but I'm so so thankful I did. Same goes for my dad. They have been hugely supportive and reassuring.
I wish you all the best x

TDada Thu 21-Feb-13 23:23:08

Without meaning to trivialise, can I suggest that that you start by going for hairdo this weekend. Then exercise/ gym programme....start to define a new you where you are in control. Intense exercise will help you feel better.....I am fairly sure that if you can take little steps, you will soon be in the ascendency and he will be begging you to take him back.....and you maybe saying no thanks!

Upset though you sound OP you do seem like you are doing incredibly well in the circumstances. Like you say maybe nobody will win here in the short term.

I think you're right to take some control. If he is lost he will never make a sensible decision anyway and you will be left floundering with someone weak. My XH was rather like this in many ways. In fact I remember being told that all decisions in the relationship would be mine by the counsellor. In the end I kicked him out but left it too long really.

Lueji Fri 22-Feb-13 07:33:52

I'm with TDada
I'd assume he's gone.
There's no excusing cheating twice.
And his now knowing what he wants... He does. He wants the cake and to eat it.
Did he tell you or did you catch him?

First, he needs to know what he wants, then you have to decide if you want him back.
Make no promises now.
If you assume it's over now, you are not making their life easier.
He had an affair, so he wanted the status quo of the family. She probably didn't want him full time, and may well find out things are not that good in a full relationship.

Take care.

maleview70 Fri 22-Feb-13 07:37:43

Have you got children?

TDada Fri 22-Feb-13 07:59:25

Whether or not you decide to have him back you need to take control and move on. Btw this may make panic a little esp if he is weak and indecisive.

ErikNorseman Fri 22-Feb-13 08:07:22

I understand not wanting to send him into her arms but really, the only sane course of action is to ask him to leave, at least while you collect your thoughts. If you make it too easy for him to stay then he probably will, while always keeping half an eye on the OW. If he stays with you it has to be because a) he's realised how much he loves and values you and is wiling to do whatever it takes to win your trust and b) you actually want him back. You may find neither of those things happen (at the same time at least).

Fairenuff Fri 22-Feb-13 08:12:43

How did you find out that he was seeing her again, did he tell you? How do you know that he ever split up with her in the first place, they may have been in contact throughout those 18 months.

Sorry to be blunt but he hasn't been at all honest with you and you will probably never be able to trust him again. I understand that you don't want to 'make the decision for him' but I really think you should decide what you want first and let that be your guide.

How about counselling just for yourself, on your own, to help you work through what's happened and where to go from here?

MadAboutHotChoc Fri 22-Feb-13 08:27:37

What happened last time? Did he feel the consequences of his cheating? If so, how or were things swept under the carpet?

Your only chance of saving the marriage is to take back control.

Tell him to go away and give you time and space to consider your options - loss is the only thing that may make him realise what he really stands to lose. As it is, he is eating his cake and getting the best of both worlds - a wife so desperate to keep him that she will do anything plus the OW....

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 22-Feb-13 08:28:52

He is very confused about what he wants and has moved out to try and work it out. He is not a bad person but has seriously lost his way

Confused he may be but it's you left picking up the pieces while he 'finds his way'. While he puzzles it all out you're left in limbo whilst taking care of your DDs. You may question whether the past year and a half has been all about rebuilding your relationship or shoring up his ego. The OW owes you nothing, it's his vows he's breaking. He shouldn't feel like you're prepared to have a swing door to your home and heart - now he's in, now he's off again.

Helltotheno Fri 22-Feb-13 08:59:16

OP he's already voted with his feet. Effectively he hasn't chosen you and your DC because by having an affair in the first place, he chose someone else. If he wanted to be with you and your DC, if he valued what he had with you, he'd be with you. He isn't.

So in the meantime, he has two women dangling and treading on eggshells and hoping he'll choose them when you should be telling him to eff right off and get out of your life completely if he hasn't chosen to be in it completely. I'm sure you'll come to see that in time. Right now, he's probably pretty delighted to be having his cake and eating it. If you don't make a decisive stand, this is the way it'll continue.

It's about what you want OP, not what he wants.

fiventhree Fri 22-Feb-13 09:22:52

I agree with HtTN.

He has all the power right now and I predict it will give him a bit of a shock if he loses it.

I also don't see how you could trust him if he had now done this twice. He flung away your trust the first time, and the second he really pissed on it.

Isabeth Fri 22-Feb-13 09:40:12

yes we have 2 kids aged 7 and 4 which is obviously what makes it so difficult. I found out he didn't tell me - he has got far too used to lying and deceit for that. It is very sad as it is really not who he is. He is a great Dad and a considerate generous person but ultimately has shown himself to be a selfish bastard that wants his cake and eat it. He does hold all of the power right now and yes it would do him good to loose it but actually we are here because he can't face up to the reality of what he wants so I am going to force him to go through that process rather than making the decision for him. To be honest I am struggling this morning and I think as far as I can get with taking control is not crying in front of my daughter.

Lovingfreedom Fri 22-Feb-13 09:45:27

He is 'confused'...?
About what....

I've been screwing someone else and my wife doesn't seem to like it....I'm confused

Or I can't just go about shagging whoever the hell I like without consequences...I'm confused.

I can't have a bit on the side and all the creature comforts of married life....I'm confused

Surely he's not that stupid. More likely translate 'I'm confused' for 'There is no explanation for this other than pure selfishness. I'll say I'm confused until this blows over. It worked the last time'

mummytime Belgium Fri 22-Feb-13 09:49:57

Start planning for your life. Your DC seeing a few tears is not the end of the world, and could be good, as they will remember you were upset and showed it at this difficult time.

Gather the information you will need, details of money, legal documents etc. phone around to get a solicitors appointment and some legal advice.

Tell people!

Eat, drink, look after yourself.

Good luck.

Xales Fri 22-Feb-13 09:56:04

You have to face up to this is who he really is.

He is a man who lies and cheats on his wife, leaving her sitting at home looking after the kids so he can go be romantic, love and have sex with another woman.

He can also be a considerate, generous person how ever I would bet 99% of that is aimed at his current infatuation not the Mrs stuck indoors.

Why are you willing to sit around while this man sees another woman, takes her to dinner, buys her gifts and sleeps with her until he makes up his mind. Leaving you looking after the kids so he can do so.

You deserve to be the woman being treated like this not the skivvy there to keep the nusciences out of his life while he has one.

Isabeth Fri 22-Feb-13 09:59:50

You are all completely right I know he is just a selfish bastard that wants the best of both worlds. I basically need to stop being so weak.

Lovingfreedom Fri 22-Feb-13 10:32:40

I don't actually think you're being weak Isabeth I think you're an honest and reasonable person who assumes that the people you deal with are equally honest and reasonable. Unfortunately, in this situation, your husband is being dishonest and unreasonable. It's difficult to deal with and not surprisingly you are probably pretty confused yourself about what to do and how to go forward.

Don't beat yourself up about being weak...but do try to start putting yourself first, stop listening to your husband's selfish whining for a bit and try to realise what you're dealing with. Getting angry helps sometimes .... instead of 'He's confused...I'll give him some time to think it through' ... 'confused??...you're fucking confused you arsehole?...well let me make things a bit clearer for you...I'm going to think about me for a change'...

Tell him that you are confused and you need some space to think things through. Arm yourself with practical options for the future - assuming he is not moving back in, what would you do? TBH that scenario is not that bad once you think it through in practical terms. Do not talk to him until you've got that information. If he's leaving you then you need that information anyway. If he wants to come back then knowing what's at stake puts you in a much better position for you to dictate the conditions for that, if it is possible.

Personally what I did with mine was let him go away and think about it...and I never let him back in....

expatinscotland Fri 22-Feb-13 10:37:05

He's not a nice person. Nice people don't do this to their kids.

Helltotheno Fri 22-Feb-13 10:53:55

Yes he's not a nice person. And what you said before OP about this not being who he really is? Thing is this is what he really is, you just didn't see it before but now you do.

Don't worry about being upset. Few people have the ability to detach from someone they were close to overnight. Tell people... tell your mum! Tell them the whole story and they'll support you. Sharing it will make it really and enable you to see his 'confused' BS exactly for what it is...

Your girls mainly want to see you happy and you can't be happy right now with this twunt messing you about.

Helltotheno Fri 22-Feb-13 10:54:30

make it real...

Lovingfreedom Fri 22-Feb-13 11:09:22

Imagine the scenario...you get yourself all dressed up sexy, go out, seduce some guy, have sex, don't worry, your partner's at home to look after the kids, tell him some bullshit excuse about working late or something, meet this guy few more times for sex...blah blah.... could be love, well who cares, the sex is great. And you still get your creature comforts at home too. Fab!

Oh shit, your partner's found out...but wait....wow! can you believe it...he's blamed himself instead of you...RESULT!!

Lie low for a bit then....coast is clear...carry on as before...cake and eat it....cake and screw it.

Woah sounds great huh?

No, it's not great, actually. It's confusing. You are going to need some space, some time, some sympathy to try to work this all out. You're not a bad person but you've lost your way...

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 22-Feb-13 11:20:42

You are stronger than you think, but please do as others have suggested and confide in your loved ones so you can have some extra support.

Please eat and stay healthy, try taking soup or small bites of comfort food over the day.

You may wish to let their schoolteachers know in case of any change in behaviour or if they seem unsettled generally. If he does return remember the older your DDs get, the more they'll cotton on about the atmosphere within the home. Being a great dad is one thing but how he treats you and how you react is teaching them lessons about adult relationships and how they might fare in later life.

Knowledge is power so find out where you stand, what your options are. If your H at any point says well you have made me choose/forced the issue/brought divorce into it, I hope you'll remember, actually he's the one who called time on any trust or respect. I don't suppose for a minute he took dirty unwashed clothes with him or sees himself short on spending money? Let him go, focus on yourself.

doinmybest Fri 22-Feb-13 12:23:32

OP did I write this post!! In Nov my H told me he was seeing the woman he had the affair with 12 months earlier. If Im honest, and with hindsight, I think Id known for a few months. I was devestated my 2 DCs saw my tears and saw how much I was upset but they have also seen me get stronger. I have missed him loved him wanted him back hated him hated her, Im now at the what a kn*bhead he is and shes welcome to him. I deserve better who does he think I am? just sitting round waiting for his 'infatuatiuon' to wane? when he starts putting her bins out and she starts washing his socks he will realise that me and my DCs were the best thing about him. I want him to wake up and come knocking on my door asking to come back just so I can say No Im sorry Ive moved on.
You're not crazy for wanting him back but have a good think about who is coming back. Its not the husband you had, this is a different person and it wont/cant be the same. I hope things work out for you and YOU get what YOU want x

SilverClementine Fri 22-Feb-13 13:14:23

Sorry you're struggling this morning OP, it's a desperately sad situation.

You keep saying that it is not really who he is, but he has lied and cheated on you not once but twice. He has created a situation where the mother of his children feels vulnerable, not once, but twice.

I think you are being too kind on him. If he was such a great father, he would be doing all he could to make sure that his children had a stable home environment, and it doesn't sound at all like that is what he is doing.

Part of the grieving process is to grieve for what we have lost. You are in the process of losing the man you thought you married which is an incredibly painful thing.

I think you need to get angry and start to focus on yourself and what you and your DC need, not what he needs.

So glad you've reached out to MN, there is a wealth of support here for you!

Isabeth Fri 22-Feb-13 13:35:27

I am over whelmed by it all on the one hand I am finding everyone's posts terrifying and difficult to read as you are making me face up to the truth but on the other hand quite empowering as I know what I have got to do. It is good to hear that you are doing so well in such as short time 'doinmybest'

tessa6 Fri 22-Feb-13 13:48:33

Please try and consider, however difficult, that the most likely truth is that the affair never properly ended. He has been wasting your time while he 'makes up his mind' and struggles to 'do the right thing'. Loss is the motivator for people. He needs to lose you.

fiventhree Fri 22-Feb-13 13:55:06

Isabeth, Doingmybest has good point- if he came back, it is t the same person. I don't know how you felt for the last 18months but I did take mine back 15 months ago after he strayed a lot, and now the dust has settled I'm noticing a lot about him which I was blind to before and which I don't like.

If he had really got what he did to you he wouldn't have done it twice. Also, I think it is the Frank Pittman book on infidelity which explains that in this situation, even if you happened to be desperate for him to come back, it is critical to tell everyone and also cut contact and refuse him entry, since that will catapult him into " his own private hell".

Stands to reason anyway- he is a selfish person deep down, and he is relying on your always being around should he choose to return. He is gambling on it actually. You have nothing to lose by taking this approach, and the fact that he will certainly hate the new situation he finds himself in, should make you realise how selfish he is.

Lovingfreedom Fri 22-Feb-13 13:58:35

The trick is to keep breathing...smile. I got through the early days by taking deep breaths, having 3 baths a day, listening to relaxing music...and getting some good legal advice. People say 'keep talking, keep communication open' with your partner. I say 'stop talking' to him for a while. Don't tell him everything your thinking and feeling - his responses to that will only confuse you. Slow down. Take all the time you want. If he starts pushing you to talk to him say you're not ready. Talk to a friend or relative when you feel able to. Counselling on your own might be useful - it was for me. Again, at your own pace. I didn't tell my ex anything that I was discussing in counselling. It's important that you get to focus on you at this time. But you're right...it is empowering once you remember that you do have control over your own life.

fiventhree Fri 22-Feb-13 14:00:14

Loss is indeed a motivator. Also, you mention his lying and deceit. Can you really live with that?

Try as hard as you can to project forward having him back, two years hence. Imagine your day to day life and how you will feel. What he will be like. If you can force yourself to do this, write it down even, then you may feel differently.

Also that anger that you don't yet feel, it is because you don't feel safe. But one day you will, with him or not, and it will come.

doinmybest Fri 22-Feb-13 14:34:06

Isabeth I am doing well and no one is more surprised than me. In the first days I was on here looking for someone, anyone to tell me it would be ok, he will come back and it will all be back to normal. I thought there are so many angry women they obviously dont know my H like I do.....
Here I am 4 months later saying it to you sad The one thing that I keep reminding myself is we were happy once and I loved him. Now he's a liar and a cheat, shes welcome to him because I'm worth more than that

doinmybest Fri 22-Feb-13 14:37:30

lovingfreedom I dont keep any communication open. We talk about when he's seeing the DC's only and I know that is probably driving him mad. I was texting him 3/4 times a day at first how sad I was how selfish he was etc then someone reminded me I was probably playing right into the role of psycho wife he'd fed OW about me so I am now quietly getting on with my life and letting him wonder.........

Lovingfreedom Fri 22-Feb-13 14:54:19

Good for you. I think that's right. Honestly...*doinmybest*...you will come through this. I can only speak for myself, but 18 months on and life is much much better than it ever was with my ex...and I considered myself happily married. It's like bereavement though...you are mourning for the person you thought he was and the relationship you thought you had. Spend time with your friends, with your children. Get rid of all the things in the house that he likes but you don't. Buy things he wouldn't. Do things you wouldn't get to do if he was around. Within 6 weeks of my ex moving out I'd painted the bedroom pink and invested in floral bedsheets and about 15 scatter cushions. It's surprising how much pleasure you can get from this kind of thing. smile

Abitwobblynow Fri 22-Feb-13 15:14:10

Hi Isabeth the hardest thing about this is that you have to accept that he is voting with his feet, whilst not wanting to lose his family either. You are paying.

Read 'split self affair' by Emily Brown. When a nice, lovely man does this it is because he is too nice and is trying to express the side of him that nobody cares about: his aliveness and his passion. He loves this woman (very hard to read, sorry) but he also values you and his children.

The answer does not lie in the OW or you, but in HIM. My best advice is to act as though he is never coming back. It will empower and strengthen you as a person in ways you will only understand in years to come. (you see, the other side of his 'he was perfect' coin is your excessive neediness and dependence on him. OW is the relief from that do you see.

The thing that we fear more than anything else is abandonment. And yet, the thing we fear the most? Has already happened! And you are STILL ALIVE aren't you?

Take one day at a time, see a solicitor NOW (legal aid for divorce ends in April) and book a mediation appointment. I know you are devastated, but take decisive steps. When he is in a mediation room with you looking at the ending of your marriage, he will feel a lot of pain and it will dissolve the fantasy for him..

But either way, a woman this embedded in your marriage means you do not have a marriage. So let go of that one and let go of him.

Lovingfreedom Fri 22-Feb-13 15:28:37

When a nice, lovely man does this it is because he is too nice and is trying to express the side of him that nobody cares about: his aliveness and his passion.

hmm

AnyFucker Germany Fri 22-Feb-13 18:14:57
LaQueen Fri 22-Feb-13 18:22:31

I would make the decision (in your mind) that he has gone - and now start to construct a new life, accordingly.

The bottom line is that there is simply nothing you can do, to make him do anything. The decision lies with him, and you have no control over that.

So - the very best thing for you, your life, your self esteem, and your DDs is to decide 'This is what I'm doing with my life, from today onwards' and this decision is regardless of what your DH is fannying about at.

So, you get a new hair cut, you join a gym, you join a class, you buy a dog, you paint the bedroom, you start a vegetable patch whatever ...but, you start living your life, and you don't sit around, meekly waiting for him to call the shots, waiting and hoping and wondering, week after week, as your life slips through your fingers.

badinage Fri 22-Feb-13 18:22:46

I think if you've been turning somersaults the past 18 months to make him stay with you (always a mistake) then in some ways, letting him go now will be a relief. It should also tell you that this was never about you or your behaviour. Nothing you could have ever done would have stopped this happening.

Get your dignity and self-respect back and just tell him it's over. You tried your best but it was impossible because it was so one-sided.

Whatever you do don't give him the luxury of choice. He'll never respect you and he is no prize anyway.

Let him go and be the person you want to be, not some false version of superwife.

LaQueen Fri 22-Feb-13 18:36:03

To add OP I'd been with DH (then DP) for 10 years, when he turned round and announced that, You know, he wasn't ^sure he could see a future with me, anymore, he still loved me, but he had all these doubts... ^

It nearly killed me to hear that - and it damned near broke me to move out. But, I did it, because I knew that the only thing I could do was leave, and move on, and attempt to start a new life without him.

We didn't speak for weeks...I started the process to buy a new house...I started going to new bars/pubs...had my hair cropped...even had a very brief fling-ette with my DB's friend.

Very quickly DP realised the error of his way...but, I made him jump through 1001 hoops to win me back...and it was months before I let him know where my new house was. But, it all ended happily ever after, and we were married the following year smile

But, I know for a fact, that if I'd stayed, hanging around him, keeping in contact, crying down the phone, keeping my life in limbo...I'd have been a vair undesirable prospect for him. I think we still would have got back together...but the dynamic in our relationship would have been horribly wrong.

We've been very happily married for nearly 11 years now, and our relationship is far more equal - because those months apart made me realise that I could survive and even (possibly) start to thrive without DH, and he damned well knew that, too.

Isabeth Fri 22-Feb-13 21:22:56

I have been away for the day living my life with out him, taking the girls to school and all their activities and we have just been to the pub early doors with mine and their friends. It has been motivating to get out there and carry on life without him. after reading messages earlier i e mailed him a long message about how I felt and basically what A selfish twat he has been. you are probably wondering why i had not said his to him before but i hadn't. realised that he had never been sorry and that I had to stop being nice and tell him the truth. We are now at loggerheads but it feels good as I have stopped pretending for fear of loosing him. Maybe I will loose him now but I realise that if he can't be truly sorry and come back on my terms we have no future. This maybe still sounds pathetic but it is progress!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 22-Feb-13 21:31:35

Not pathetic at all Isabeth it's uncharted territory so you're bound to be nervous. This is a good place to sound off and express what you're used to keeping under wraps for fear of rocking the boat.

Try and see it not so much as losing him (suggests he's a prize worth having) as you stepping up and standing up for yourself. This is your life, not just his with you and DCs mere puny satellites.

Isabeth Fri 22-Feb-13 21:36:06

You are absolutely right he is not a prize worth having!

AnyFucker Germany Fri 22-Feb-13 21:52:33

That is progress

as long as you don't have your little tantrum, then things go back to the way they were before

Lovingfreedom Sat 23-Feb-13 00:25:59

Yes. Try not to tell him everything. Moving on means he is no longer the person you go to to say how you are feeling, thinking, doing etc.

TDada Sat 23-Feb-13 07:39:57

Dear Isabeth - baby steps is progress. Can I recommend a visit to classy hairdressers as a first step. Symbolic of a new you. Then some intense gym workouts. Perhaps sign up for 10k run. Then let's maximise affection from friends and family....you are a decent nice person propping up a weak indecisive man.

I can guarantee that you will feel stronger in the near future. Sadly you DH will find this attractive and try to cling on.

LaQueen Sat 23-Feb-13 16:58:27

Isabeth good that you told him exactly how you felt. But, I'd put a lid of any future emails - unless totally necessary ones concerning arrangements to do with your DCs, etc.

Otherwise, you're just going to get into an endless slanging match of You said/No you said/No you said...and it's pointless.

I think you have definitely lost him - and I would go so far as to say, that you probably never had him in the first place? Because twats like him never have any integrity, or honour, anyway.

The way I look at it...you haven't lost anything worth having. Instead you have found a much better life smile

doinmybest Sun 24-Feb-13 12:45:29

I agree with LaQueen I sent a few texts in the begining how could you be so cruel to me and my dcs I am devestated etc but then I stopped because as I said in a previous post I felt I was playing the role of psycho ex wife he had probably told OW I was. So I kept a dignified silence.

The only communciation we have now is what time are you picking dcs up and what time are you dropping them off. Then, out of the blue he phoned yesterday. all nice as pie dd wanted to stay at his last minute and was that ok with me? A few weeks ago he would have got her to ring or even just text to tell me it was happening. Is that ok with you?????? he said

Just keep communication to polite basics. Its very empowering to have the upper hand and I bet it will drive him mad. Its still good to get if your chest tho isnt it smile

Betrayed40 Thu 04-Jul-13 13:42:41

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