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at my wits end trying to co-parent with a manipulative abusive arse

(89 Posts)
sarahseashell Thu 21-Feb-13 17:30:44

just that really... doesn't matter HOW fucking reasonable/decent/mature I try to be, as I have consistently over the years since he left, it makes not a jot of difference because he just behaves like an arse and I have to suck it up so that dcs don't get caught in the middle
SO HARD sometimes angry
I know there are some on here who will get it, just wanted to share with the sisterhood
rant over

jayho Thu 21-Feb-13 17:32:19

I feel your pain................ wine never too early in half term

I actually had to check I hadn't posted this in my sleep

Joins in wine

jayho Thu 21-Feb-13 17:38:34

Mine sent ds round for his bike earlier, 'because he paid for it'

sarahseashell Thu 21-Feb-13 17:51:34

thanks! wine

lets have a mutual RAAAHHH

mine is trying to make out I'm making it up that one of my dcs has been poorly in half term confused it's not the first time either! clearly I have a problem here hmm

LittleEdie Thu 21-Feb-13 17:55:28

Why would you do that? Tossa

sarahseashell Thu 21-Feb-13 18:01:59

I think he's trying to find something that I'm BU about wink
it's a recurring theme if one of dcs ill (thankfully fairly rare) I am BU/exaggerating/imagining it. He even tells them this they are confused

TobyLerone Thu 21-Feb-13 18:05:51

Oh, love. I could have written this. It's SO frustrating, isn't it? Sometimes it makes me cry because I'm so furious, which makes me even more furious angry

It's been 10.5 years and he's still no better. Worse, if anything. It's so childish.

Have a wine on me.

sarahseashell Thu 21-Feb-13 19:17:26

thanks tobylerone smile

oh no though! still doing it after 10.5 years shock <faints>

hopefully not too long to go till your dcs grown up and you can get more freedom thanks

Lueji Thu 21-Feb-13 20:17:14

Joining in too.

Apparently, because DS had a fever the other day, I should have kept him home the whole week. And I am a bad mother because I didn't. hmm

Did we get a message asking if DS was better, even?


Thankfully I don't have to co-parent as such.

sarahseashell Thu 21-Feb-13 20:28:31

so hard lueji when you're getting criticism on top of coping with an ill child

I say co-parent in loose sense ie he does one day a week dispensing chocolate wink

thanks ladies I'm feeling a lot better for venting smile

Lueji Thu 21-Feb-13 20:37:37

Actually, I don't care about the criticism because DS had a fever one afternoon and was fine the day after.
Just shows how much of a twat he is.

same here...he got dates mixed up yesterday and was about to storm over here and pick up DC while I was in the middle of cooking their dinner until I told him to check the agreed dates. I even got an apology, but that's only because we have a contact hearing next week so he's treading very carefully.

Abitwobblynow Fri 22-Feb-13 15:19:27

Hi Sarah, I have just finished a mediating course and you would be AMAZED at what comes out in those sessions.

IIWY I would phone up for a mediation appt and ask him to agree to it. Say something very reasonable to say that you would like to talk with him about how you can be better parents etc. So nice and friendly to get him in there.

It is very hard for them to be twats in front of a neutral person. Also, the neutral person sometimes gets them to express whatever it is they are hung up about (that they would rather die than tell you).

Give it a go anyway. He would have to agree first, but anything is better than the status quo?

Wereonourway Fri 22-Feb-13 15:27:54

I'm another one dealing with an unreasonable ex.
I wrote to him via solicitor agreeing to his request of 2 overnights and Sunday day times and stipulated times.
Since mid January he has cancelled or asked to swap overnights 7, yes 7, times. 2 times were work related, others were pub/football/illness.
When I refuse his swaps I get verbals via text.
I just can't seem to get through to him that ds needs a stable routine and actually so do I.
He threatens me with a solicitor every week for being selfish and unreasonable when actually I'm just sticking to his requested nights and day. I'm not willing to negotiate different nights each week to suit his gap hazard lifestyle. Surely a mediator/courts would agree???
I feel your pain
It's very wearing, I live on my nerves and am extremely anxious.

If he threatens you with a solicitor, tell him to go ahead. And remember 99.9% of all solicitor's letters are just very expensive toilet paper. A solicitor will write what they are getting paid to write.

Wereonourway Fri 22-Feb-13 15:46:04

I do Freddie, I've become used to not engaging. I reply saying no I won't swap, ds is 2 and needs a stable routine and I'd like to be free to plan my time and to be left in peace. If you are unhappy with days or times please see a solicitor.
I understand solicitors letters aren't legally binding but so far it's only me who has consulted one, with a view to stabilising routine and reduce need for contact between ex and I as he is unreasonable selfish and can get quite nasty.
Ds is always ready for contact. Ex jut thinks he should be able to have ds when it suits, if he has plans it should be ok for him to change nights as he is "as much a parent as me". He really genuinely believes he is being stitched up, that I'm controlling, that I want ds all to myself, that I'm manipulative and nasty. He said last week that everyone thinks I'm nuts cos I refused to change contact times with half an hours notice as he was buyin train tickets for a stag weekend!
I've also not had maintenance since mid dec!
I have another appointment with my solicitor on Monday to bring her up to date with all the changes he requests, the harassment I get for not agreeing and to ask advice. So far I've stood firm because if I give in once and swap it will happen week after week after week.
I hope she tells ne I'm doing right thing and writes to him about leaving me alone

Been there done that am crap at taking my own advice grin but

Don't tell him you'd like to be free to plan your time or DS is 2 and needs a routine.

Just say no.

And no.

And no.

Keep a record of all his conversations, try to get them in email/text or at the very least keep a journal.

I am very aware of how draining it all is and I spent an hour on the phone yesterday trying to get my MAA (manipulative abusive arse) to see he was being unreasonable. I failed. But apparently "everybody" thinks I'm a nasty vindictive piece of work and "everybody" can see me for the type of person I am and I'm not fooling anybody with my reasonable facade hmm

Wereonourway Fri 22-Feb-13 15:57:05

Are we dealing with the same person Freddie!?
What is startling is that ex did absolutely bot all for ds when we were together, to the extreme!
If I asked ex to bath ds I'd get called a lazy cunt as he was working full time and me only part time. He once told me he would put ne through the wall for asking him to do a night feed and he spent all of his money on drink and football, sleeping all day Sunday and basically beig a twat.
I dug myself a hole by agreeing to 2 nights access when I left in August trough fear, I spent four months chopping and changing around his football and days on drink and snapped at Xmas.
I no longer show him he gets to me, I am very reasonable and calm and fair but just seeing his name appear on my phone fills ne with dread and I'd just like it all to end.
He says I limit his time with his "precious boy" yet he cancels due to hangovers and doesn't pay me maintenance towards his oh so precious boy.
2 weeks ago his van was seized due to him having no insurance, said he couldn't have ds as he "needed to sort stuff", at 7.30 that night he was a pain which my dad goes to every Thursday night for the quiz, it's blatant but it's still all my fault, all my responsibility!
Had a lovely day with ds today though, I've switched off from him for now and will do til contact time on Sunday.
It's good to know I'm not alone!
I've long since given up trying to reason with him or explain, he will never ever change

Of course it's your fault. Don't be silly. Of course it is. All your fault.

Just like it's mine that my MAA didn't send a coat back after his access night and thinks I'm being obstructive by telling him to either drop it here or to the school.

He said it was my fault because I wouldn't go to his to collect it at the time that he decreed suited him for me to do it. Never mind that I had to go to work and that DD needed a coat. (she had another one she wore but that's not the point)

He has them every other weekend and one night in the week. He picks them up from school. I had to text him to ask him to return lunch boxes and sports bags as I didn't have any here (they don't take lunches on a Thursday and Friday so go to his with the boxes)

He told me I was being "petty" and lunchboxes are only a few pounds each.

He had 7 lunchboxes/bags (all poundland to be fair), I haven't got the plastic boxes back yet that DD uses to bring home her cookery efforts but i spent £20 in tescos on them at the beginning of Jan and I have none left, and DD took her swimming kit yesterday in a plastic bag because I literally have no other bags left here. Not even a bag for life or anything.

but i'm making a mountain out of a molehill hmm

Sorry for hijack!

Wereonourway Fri 22-Feb-13 16:14:58

It's very easy to rant isn't it, I'd be lost without MN tbh.
I worry that previous posters have said its still going on ten years after split!
I am however building up my life, renting a fab home, just booked a holiday for the summer and have lost 6lb this week. Lots more to go but I'm so much happier, hope you are too.
At least we don't live with them any more!

Lueji Fri 22-Feb-13 19:33:53

Freddie, what's a phone? smile

As far as my ex is concerned there's only email and text messages.

So much easier!

Oh, apparently I am also vindictive.
Never mind he doesn't warn he's not going to contact and that I had told him way back that he'd need to confirm contact because of that.

Lueji that's where I went wrong. i shouldn't have answered him

Fleecyslippers Fri 22-Feb-13 19:42:26

Oh welcome to my world.
It's winter. Kids get sick. He has limited contact. About a month ago, on his contact day, the two youngest were really ill with horrible chest infections. I sent a text the day before to pre warn him that they may not be up for contact (He lives 2 hours away so contact involves him dragging them around a shopping centre or park -anything that's free hmm )
cue aggressive rant about me being vindictive and him applying to the court first thing to tell them I was failing to adhere to the contact order. On the day itself, the kids were too ill to even get out of bed and didn't go. Cue arsey letters and threats and demands that however ill the children were, they would be presented for contact.
Last wee, oldest 2 had D&V. They weren't 'ill' as such. but they both threw up in his car. And guess what ? I'm now an irresponsible, neglectful mother who knowingly put the health of his slapper and new baby at risk (Slapper and sprog 100 miles away during contact visit)
Can I win ? No chance. But I'm learning to smile serenely and ignore grin

Twingirlsrock Fri 22-Feb-13 19:45:22

I feel your pain. I am so angry this evening. My scummy ex left me when our beautiful DD was 5 weeks old. That was 14 years ago.

Years of frustration and irritation.

Then today I mentioned if he had any thoughts about saving for university help in case she goes, just to put on his radar. He tells me he has not a penny, that his business going under. I say sorry to hear that - but obv she's only 14 now so some time to think about it.

DD comes home and says he told her that he tells everyone that he has no money so he doesn't have to pay anyone anything.

WHAT AN IDIOT! Like the £ would be for ME!!!!!

So irritating.
Also has always gone around saying how much he adores her, how he would do anything for her. Except he does everything he can to do nothing.

It's the hypocrisy that drives me insane.

Rant over. Feel a bit better!

wine all round

Lueji Fri 22-Feb-13 20:11:42

Cheers wine. smile

raspberyfool Fri 22-Feb-13 20:29:37

Joining in. I recently posted about how happy i am at the moment. My xh has a happiness radar as over last two days he has started to call me over stupid things then precedes to try and upset me by trying to open up wounds.
He deliberated forgot to call the girls twice this week then calls after bedtime saying i should have reminded him. it's got to be deliberate as why would you forget two days in a row. Finally speaks to dd1 for grand total of 2 minutes.
constantly lies and says one thing and then flatly denies it the next time we speak.
Then tells me he might be moving in with ow and then he got offended that i wasn't upset.
Sorry mate your not bursting our bubble toddle on grin

Gah. Me too. I'm joining you because today was a normal co-parenting day and it involved:
1. My 11yo DS being sent to school in shorts in freezing weather because there aren't any trousers at his Dad's. He came home informing me his Dad needs trousers at his house - they're all at mine yes son, your Dad hasn't brought any in 3 years so it's hardly surprising
2. Him arriving home and telling me that he has to have his birthday celebration on the date his Dad has been instructing and I rejected three times because it fits with his Dad's social life.
3. My DS using body language and expressions that his Dad used to use to stonewall and belittle me, and is now clearly using on my DS and/or his new wife!

I only have another 10 years at the most.

<smiles, nods and downs gin>

What a bunch of cock-knobbing-badger-twunts.

Twingirlsrock Fri 22-Feb-13 20:32:28

I really like that!

Sorry mate you're not bursting our bubble - toddle on.

I will be saying over and over again under my breath when we have contact.

I love "toddle on" grin

I do listen to him talking AT me with the mumsnet phrase "fuck off cuntychops" in my head

sarahseashell Fri 22-Feb-13 20:38:31


seems there's a fair few of us with a 10 year stretch ahead wink

thanks abitwobblynow - he'd be charm personified at a mediation and just say anything he thought they wanted to hear then carry on as he is. But it's useful to know and maybe bring up in the future- nothing to lose I guess although I find minimal encouragement and distancing help me to remain sane.

rasperyfool mine is much like yours if I seem happy he's worse. Can't bear it.

big flowers to all of you and it's nice we've got a little space to let off steam and know there's others who get it - not that I'd wish it on anyone!

am still shock at the lunchbox hoarder btw - and the coat hoarder- and the non-trouser buyer..... all of them in fact!

raspberyfool Fri 22-Feb-13 20:53:29

Oh yes i repeat toddle on under my breath quite a lot . It suits my xh as behaves like a stroppy toddler. i also see how many that's nice ( Mrs brown code for f off) i can get in a conversation with him when he's one one of his Im unreasonable or pity conversations. I've got 17 years of him as youngest is 1 that's if he actually keeps in contact with the girls.

raspberyfool Fri 22-Feb-13 20:58:25

Sarahseashell my xh quite often says he wants me to be happy then gets stroppy when i am. Think it stems from his self pride that i should still be devastated that i have lost him and be wailing and crying every day.
They don't like it when they realise that were a hell of a lot happier since they left.

sarahseashell Fri 22-Feb-13 21:09:32

yes it's a blow to their massive ego smile

17 years? shock
you sound like you can handle it though raspbery - can't be easy having such a little one to cope with as well, but well done wine

Wereonourway Fri 22-Feb-13 21:21:15

Fuck off cuntychops is sooooo gonna my new phrase(in my head obviously)
Cuntychops actually really bloody suits him!

Ahhhhh. It's been 10 years and will be another 10 years - worse case scenario - I do sometimes wonder what crimes I could have committed and have paid my dues to society in that time.

Other times I imagine my case for canonisation will be an easy one to make.

St Tea. The patron saint of children that lack lunch boxes, coats and trousers and their parent who have suffered at the hands of abusive and entitled wankbadgering co-parents.

17 years will go quickly. Don't worry.

My DS will get the biggest 21st party ever! I will be free of arsey emails, snide texts and general control freakery.

Shodan Fri 22-Feb-13 21:42:57

I wish I'd had access to MN ten years ago when I was dealing with the same kind of problems with XH!

However, it all got a lot easier when I a) gave up all hope of him ever paying any maintenance, b) accepted that he would never turn up for pre-arranged contact visits when he should have done, and c) never let ds1 know that he was supposed to be coming.

I haven't had to have any contact with him since ds1 turned 12 and they both got mobile phones. The past 5 years have been bliss grin

And since he has now moved to somewhere several hundred miles away I expect the next time I'll have to see him will be ds1's wedding, if he ever gets married. It's almost as if xh doesn't exist...

So hang on in there. Eventually the buggers will be a distant memory (iyswim)

tippytap Fri 22-Feb-13 22:40:36

Have we all dated the same guy?

I get this all the time from my DD dad. Constantly wanting to swap days/times and then texts/emails if I say no.

Calling late, past bedtime, deliberately.

I was also blamed this year by XP and his the reason they both had affairs. I caused them so much stress apparently. They split up and are back together. His GF hates me because she's seen me round town looking happy.

In fact according to them, I'm the cause of all of their problems .

It's not good to hear that it won't get better. <sob>.

sarahseashell Fri 22-Feb-13 22:56:49

grin oh tippytap that did give me a laugh though! causing exp gf to have an affair shock heard it all now

and you St Tea made me lol

shodan you've escaped! congrats smile

Fleecyslippers Fri 22-Feb-13 23:11:48

Yes Yes Yes. Ex was Skyping the kids one evening - they were on the laptop in the living room. I was in the kitchen peeling potatoes.

Cue OW storming into the room behind him, screaming in his face and slamming his laptop shut.

Apparently that was my fault too hmm Potatoes were nice though grin

Bertiebassett Sat 23-Feb-13 06:58:37

This thread has made me chortle grin

I'm just on my way down this path of co parenting....and FW is already demonstrating how the next 13 years are going to be. He hasn't even moved out yet and I'm already getting solicitors letters about future contact!

In latest letter (and this is a good one) FW is requesting particular days as 'compensation' because I'm taking DS on holiday at Easter...and it means I'll have him for a bit longer than FW. Trouble is... the days FW had requested are days he'll have him he'll have moved out by then and we'll be into our new contact schedule! What a knob silly man eh?! And what a waste of the £80 (or whatever his solicitor charges for writing a letter)...

Roll on 2026 not really as I don't want to wish my life away smile

Can I just tell you all about my morning? Bearing in mind, this is HIS weekend to have the kids.

One has football, one has to go to a hockey match, she plays for her school. Same every fricking Saturday.

Phone goes at 7.00. Need to come to yours DD forgot her stuff for her toe. Right, ok no problem. When will you be here? 8am.

Why ring me? He knows I'm here, he could have rocked up to the door at 8am with the kids in the car and DD could have run in and got the stuff. (it's dressings and things)

So he arrives at 8am (on time for fucking once) kids come in and DD faffs, runs out "bye" DS still standing here. We have a tournament today (an hours drive away). I need a packed lunch. Dad's going to run DD to school and you can make my packed lunch and he'll pick it up on the way back.

I make the packed lunch, (DS is grin as I had no proper chocolate biscuits so he got a packet of Jaffa Cakes)

Back comes ex, DS runs to car, getting in I say "good luck" and then I realise if ex is taking DS to football tournament an hour's drive away what's DD doing after hockey?

THEN he admits that he just told DD to ring me and I'd pick her up.

I'm doing nothing today it's not a big deal to pick her up but it would have been nice to have been ASKED. And I feel so petty to complain about it.

Wereonourway Sat 23-Feb-13 08:52:05

Ah Freddie what a nightmare, I'm sure he will then say he is just as capable as you etc etc.
I left ex at the beginning of August, he does not bath ds, he doesn't even brush his teeth. He doesn't do bedtime stories and last week "couldn't put eye drops in as ds struggled too much".
He never has any food in so feeds ds macdonalds on the two nights he has him(if he doesn't cancel) but he is AS MUCH A PARENT AS ME!!
Today will be spent in our pyjamas watching DVDs as its snowing quite heavily here, not worth risking taking car out to feed the ducks as planned.
Hope you enjoy your day

Wereonourway - that is EXACTLY what he'll say. How did you know? grin And if I complain to my mum or my best friend, they'll say "but you're at home anyway what difference does it make"

Which is true. But I might have been out for the day. You know, having that thing called a life. Or had a hot stud in my bed unlikely. And because it's all tied up with the kids, then if I don't step up and do packed lunches or pick ups or whatever then they're the ones who miss out. It's the pure NERVE of coming down to get stuff, dropping DS here while he runs DD to school so I can make the packed lunch.

And I never ask him to do a packed lunch or pick up DD or anything.

Wereonourway Sat 23-Feb-13 09:04:22

Do you think it has anything to do with him resenting you having a life??
My mum is convinced ex is hell bent on making my life as shitty as possible but I don't see it that way.
He is so utterly self absorbed and lacks any kind if empathy that he just thinks its his right to do as he likes when he likes, balls to the consequences. If he pisses me off its just a massive bonus to him I suppose.
How long have you been separated if you don't mind my asking?
My ds is only 2, it's very sad that we are one of a statistic of split families at such a young age, it really break my heart to not be with him for 2 nights.
I'm trying to adjust and constantly remind myself how crap it was living with him and that ds won't be brought up around resentment or arguments

wereon - I think it's just the self-absorbed thing, he can't see past the end of his own nose. He believes he is the most important man on the face of the planet and he just expects others to accommodate his wishes. It's very bully-boy so-called "alpha male" shit. Outwardly very successful, top of his career etc etc etc. And if I called him on today (and I have done in the past) all I would get is that I am making a drama out of nothing that if I'm at home what's the big deal. He can't get it into his thick head that I'm due respect and he should ASK.

6 years and counting grin

It was the way he stood at his car and looked at me like I was shit on his shoes, shrugged his shoulders and said he'd told her to ring me and I'd pick her up. I was completely and utterly worth nothing. Nothing. All I was was something to enable his life and do what he wanted.

leaharrison11 Sat 23-Feb-13 09:38:42

Sonwe have all

Lueji Sat 23-Feb-13 09:43:48

You should ring him now and say you'll be out after all and then have people coming over, or some other excuse- hairdressers, doing nails, cinema are all valid. smile
You should not be making packed lunches or picking up children on his day.
Boundaries and self respect.

Lueji - I know, smile but he's an hour away and DD needs picked up and she'll be the one it impacts on, not him. which is how he gets me every time.

But he is the most important person on the planet. Along with my DS's father.

Detach. Smile and wave.

I have a much better weekend than anticipated. My DS has decided not to do his normal activity so I do not have to see or listen to smug snide shite <enjoys extra cup of tea>

Freddie do it this time but tell him about plans next weekend and don't help.

I found once I stepped out of this stage I got a social life and he managed and DS appreciates what I do because he doesn't always get it.

Wereonourway Sat 23-Feb-13 09:57:03

Well I've got a rant of my own now!!!
Ex has ds from ten until four every sunday(despite him binge drinking and being so hungover he just takes him to his grandmas)
So I've just had a text saying "what's ds doing today? I will take him out somewhere if he isn't doing much"
Erm no you won't! Today is Saturday, I am free to plan what I want and even if we are "doing nothing" I should be left in peace to do so.
Should I reply and if so what do I say?
I don't think I should, I have tried for weeks to spell it out to him that his times are his and mine are mine and that they shouldn't cross over etc.
Then he sends that!
I know people will say oh ds will enjoy himself so let him go BUT
He has had every Sunday for 3 months and has not once taken him to park, swimming, anywhere so why ask on my day? And also if u say yea once I make a rid for my own back?
Any suitable replies or just ignore ignore ignore

Lueji Sat 23-Feb-13 10:00:36

How would you have done it If he had been ill today?

If he makes her wait I'd still pick her up and let him go there for nothing.

Seriously, he should not be treating you like this.
And if it impacts the children they'll know who's responsible.

Standard answer: I can't, not possible, sorry.

Lueji Sat 23-Feb-13 10:04:39

I'd reply if he wants to swap Saturdays for Sundays, otherwise just say you have it covered, thank you.

Wereonourway Sat 23-Feb-13 10:09:43

Lueji he has tried to swap his overnights 7 times since mid January, I don't want to swap days as if I do it once he will think its free reign.
He has a seasons ticket at local club and surprise surprise they are playing away today and for once he isn't going.
He has only asked because he has nothing on, with a normal reasonable person I might be able to say "yeah ok, ds would love that".
Ex isn't like this. If I allow this now he will expect to be able to swap weekly, I'd done it once so have no reason not to.
I've set days and times up(his choice of days, around football fixtures) and just want them to be stuck to, that we we all, but most of all ds, know where we are. And also I ld like to enjoy my time with ds without feeling sick when I see the abusive twunts name pop up on my screen.
I wish flexibility was ok, it will all be on his terms I'm afraid and I don't think that will change

Lueji Sat 23-Feb-13 10:21:23

I meant permanently. As Sundays don't seem that good for him or your DC.
Unless you have a reason not to.

Wereonourway Sat 23-Feb-13 10:36:00

Ah I see, Saturdays would only work for ex between June and August as no football fixtures.
I'm fairly sure he will want to permanently swap for this months but I really do not want to work around the premier league fixture list.
I take ds swimming in a Friday and every week he moans that he can't take him swimming ever. I point out he has 6 hours every Sunday to do whatever he pleases.
When we first split he had him two different nights which we agreed to change because of football so the days he has now never clash with fixtures.
So really he has chosen these times, I also offered very other weekend and one night mid week, he refused this as he would have to give up his season ticket.
But I can well imagine he will say he is entitled to this come June when the season is over.
He just wants to do what suits him, he doesn't think about ds(who is only 2) or that a routine is important. He thinks I'm a fanny for thinking so.
It's also about my routine too. If like to be able to plan things weeks ahead and if I play by his rules I would constantly be seeking his permission.
I was in an abusive relationship with him for five yrs where every aspect of my life was controlled by him, he was never a father when we were together either to be honest.
Can count nappy changes on one hand. And he has never ever bathed ds alone, he maybe helped me three times in 18 months.
It's difficult but I've worked out sticking to my guns is only way I'm ever gonna have relative peace.
I have an appointment with my solicitor on no day to discuss his constant requests to change, the grief he gives me via text when I refuse and the fact that this grief is having an impact on me.
If he stuck to his times(which he is able to, it's possible) and left me alone after handovers all would be fine.
He also gets arsey at handovers, tried to discuss things in front of ds. I also refuse this.
I'm trying to remain calm and allow ds to benefit from having two happy parents who aren't at war. I'm certainly not at war with him, happy to not speak unless it involves ds etc but ex isn't like this.
He bombarded me with begging a cpl of weeks ago, to get back together with him. He left flowers on my doorstep etc. I got grief when I refused and ignored then too.
He asked me for casual sex(asked in front of ds) 2 weeks ago and then got stroppy when I said no thank you. Told me I must be getting elsewhere and if he found out he would go mental etc.
I'm off to build more camps with ds to cheer myself up!

thixotropic Sat 23-Feb-13 10:36:06

I'm not dealing with this Shit thank Fuck, but I am a grade A Obstructive Bastard if I do say so myself.

wereOn my advice would be one word, two letters.


Don't engage.

Good luck and stay strong (hugs)

Wereon in my experience the things you refer to about his relationship with you will get better - not least because he will one day he find himself a new victim partner. It is really hard but it will pass, as you say sticking to your boundaries is the key.

You're only six - 18 months into the journey. I had to say "I don't want to discuss this with you", "I am not your wife any more so I don't have to listen to this" and "No" so many times in the first eighteen months. Every now and again, even though he has a new wife, I still have to say to him "I'm not going to be spoken to like that" or "this is not a conversation I am prepared to have in front of DS, send me an email" and closed the door or walked off.

The issues with the football session won't go away - he will try it on each season/off season but one day you'll find it funny because you will be able to predict which date in the year it comes up.

Wereonourway Sat 23-Feb-13 11:26:39

Thank you tea.
In my heart I know I'm being reasonable, as defined by"normal" people
I've never withheld contact, ds is always ready for contact and I provide all his clothes etc so a bag is packed.
It's hard when every week I have to listen to how selfis I am, how unreasonable, how I'm preventing us getting on, he just wants peace(!), evrryyone thinks I'm a "nutter" for not swapping.
This week he had to work late on his contact night so he asked to swap.
This is the second time his swap requests have been work related. Out if seven. That was my reason for saying no.
That ds needs a routine, and so do I actually. I've repeated and repeated.
He told me this week that if look stupid in front of a solicitor(he hasn't got one, never bothered to consult one) and that I was doing my upmost to prevent him having a relationship with his son.
This is deposited me never being the one to cancel or rearrange, I'm sticking to terms we agreed (and that I had put in writing by way of solicitors letter).
He said he would go to mediation, I really don't know what he wants anymore. He has nights and the day which doesn't clash with anything, he has shown he struggles to keep to them but expects more!?
He's a knob, I know he's a knob and I know I'm doing right by myself and by ds BUT I really worry what courts view would be should it go that far.
Having never been in this situation(and absolutely hate "battling" over my gorgeous boy) I dread to think what will happen if it gets that far

MrsTomHardy Sat 23-Feb-13 11:44:16

I'm 10 years down the line and still get all the same game playing shite that all of you have written about on'd think XP would be bored of it by now but no sad

My DS is 11 next month and has decided on his own that this year he doesn't want to spend EOW sitting in his dads house with 7 other kids doing sod all so he told his dad on the phone that he only wanted to go for tea on Fridays if ok but not sleep there, XP agrees.....BUT when DS goes there for tea on Friday both XP and step-bitch give him a lecture on spending time with his dad blah blah blah so DS agrees to stay EOW Friday and come home sat evening!!!!
This wkend XP phones and says as step-bitch is going in to be induced sat morning does DS want to just go for tea on Friday or stay the night but come home early sat morning (lives 3 mins away), DS says just stay for tea......
When XP picks DS up DS comes back into house red faced and looking like he wanted to cry and says "dad says I'm staying the night"
It makes me so angry

DS has to learn to stand up to his dad, it's no good me getting involved as they already think its me telling DS....but I hate DS being bullied by his own dad....I've had 10 years of emotional abuse and twattery to deal with but he's not listening to his own son......
XP never communicates with me anyway and hasn't for 3 years since he's been with the latest wife!!!!

I wish they would just bugger off and leave us alone..

The thing is you have to get to the point where you think "why would I care what this knob thinks?" I still get emails telling I'm rude, unreasonable, selfish, providing me with an overview of what "friends" say about everything concerning his son's life. He says it as if his received opinion carries more weight in matters concerning my son than my own! And in his head that is true because he believes me to be stupid and unreasonable and it be my fault that he abused me. The alternative though is for him is to face up to the fact he is an abuser and he's a knob so he won't.

So I just smirk and rant at my friends. As a result his friends and family think I'm a knob, mine think his is a knob. I don't care about everyone recognising the abuse I suffered any more. I am just thankful it has been greatly reduced to the 10 minutes a week when I need to interact with him. I'm glad it is now just EA rather than the other stuff.

So what I think I'm saying is if it goes to court worry about it, but don't worry about something that hasn't happened yet. And as I understand it, as long as you are meeting the terms you both agreed - so you never prevent it happening on the agreed day or time - then you've up-held your side of the agreement.

If you do go to mediation with him I would recommend getting some specific advice about how to brief your advocates, the mediator and how to protect yourself. I never went there because I felt I'd heard enough about my failings to last a life time.

<squeezes *MrsTom>

And that's the thing isn't it - there is an age when you have to let the children deal with alone - I hope my genetics I've passed on, the behaviour I exhibit and the environment I've created will give my DS the strength to detach as he needs to and to fight the battles he wants to.

MrsTomHardy Sat 23-Feb-13 12:10:27

Exactly Tea smile

I had a chat with DS this morning and said he needs to stand up for himself but I know it's going to be hard as XP is a moody, aggressive knob!!!

As he got DS to stay I bet they sat there saying how its all me telling DS not to stay, how DS didn't put up a fight so it's obv all my doing, I'm the bitch blah blah blah....all coming from someone who hasn't paid maintenance this year for his 2 dc's as he has his new family to think about now!

RobDile197 Sat 23-Feb-13 21:33:11

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

I would love to post what I really think of your post RobDile but that would get me deleted. And you aren't worth that.

Shodan Sat 23-Feb-13 21:41:33

<blows raspberry at RobDile>

Some boys will always stay boys, sweetie. That's why women leave them, because they won't grow up.

These women frequently go on to marry men and live happy, fulfilled lives.

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Wereonourway Sat 23-Feb-13 21:53:36

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Don't you have a Linedance or Monster Truck Festival to attend this evening Rob?

Quiet night in the trailer park?

cpots Sun 24-Feb-13 11:11:31

Glad rob message deleted ... Obviously not experienced what we all appear to be dealing with. Can only say mine is the same although have had some success stopping the ranty emails after sending a letter via solicitor about harassment.
My dc are old enough to contact him themselves although he never swaps when he can't have them ... Just can't have them - no discussion and I 'have to deal with it because they are my children and I have to out them first not myself' ,,,, err wtf I do that 90% of the time - pot and kettle - he is a true twunt!

RobDile197 Sun 24-Feb-13 14:49:08

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Rob you sound awfully angry and very upset, have you considered counselling?

kittybiscuits Sun 24-Feb-13 15:06:25

...or a long walk off a short pier? grin

Oh and Rob. I have reported your post as you use a disablist term which, generally, is against the talk guidelines on MN, so you might wish to rethink some of your terminology.

Wereonourway Sun 24-Feb-13 21:34:31

Bloody hell! Really want to scream!!!
All was well at handovers today, he then sent me a txt asking for sex, saying how electric it would be( ignored).
Then I get a text at 9pm telling me I don't know how lucky I am to have ds "all the time" and in my heart I must know how hard it is for him to only have him for "a few hrs a week".
For the record he has 2 overnights, from 4pm til 8.45am and then 6 hours every Sunday. That's if he doesn't cancel or cut short.
Why won't he leave me the fuck alone!?!
This is from someone who couldn't be arsed to care for ds when we were together, someone who has cancelled overnights four times in past 6 weeks and someone who has paid £40 child support since mid December!
Why does he do this to me? Why can't he see what's glaringly obvious?? That you get out what you put in?
I do "realise how lucky I am" actually, which is why I never cancel on my child, why I provide for him and spend time doing things with him and for him, it's why I've put him first before absolutely anything- none of which ex has ever ever done.
I hate how he makes me feel

Repeat after me

Fuck off cunty chops

He's an arse.

have wine and chocolate.

Wereonourway Sun 24-Feb-13 21:40:06

Ah Freddie that has made me smile, he has the power to make ne feel utterly utterly anxious and scared and nervous.
It's as if he wants more contact, when he hasn't stuck to what he has got.
I'm speaking to my solicitor tomorrow and I need to bring this all up. It's verging in harassment now(and that's without the electric sex texts--barf--)
Surely, surely if this goes to mediation and/or court he won't get more access will he?
That's what I'm really scared of, it already absolutely kills me to be away from ds for the times set now. I honestly couldn't handle more.
I've done everything for ds, ex doesn't even brush his teeth or bloody bath him!
Pls tell me he wouldn't get more access

FGS don't delete any of the texts and keep a journal.

Ask the solicitor about access.

Wereonourway Sun 24-Feb-13 21:47:25

Oh I've got a MN old phone full of texts and a journal which I update weekly. As well as all texts in current phone.
Once I'm over the anxiety he causes me I think "what's in ds"s best interests", that's what outsiders will look at?
And I genuinely believe ds being with me the majority of the time having stories read and having baths together and going for walks and swimming etc IS best for him.
I'm going to keep that thought and hope solicitor agrees.
She will offer to write letter I'm sure, telling him to leave ne alone outside of handovers, telling him I'm not flexible on times or days and that he has not kept to these on x number of occasions.
I'm scare ld of pissing him off with a letter, I really am. But it has to be done cos I can't keep going like this

Wereonourway Sun 24-Feb-13 21:48:47

But I shall also ask her to write to him to ask "please refrain from offering sexual intercourse to our client, she does not wish to partake cos your tail is small

You can ignore his texts, put the phone down on him, shut the door in his face, ignore everything except emails. He has no right to any kind of contact with you if you don't want any. If he keeps sending you texts asking for sex you can get a solicitor's letter sent to him and take things further if necessary.
The thing with arsehole men is not to waste time or energy trying to work out a way to make them behave reasonably: they won't. So it's a matter of disengaging, keeping everything to email and only about contact, and just laughing at them, really.

Wereonourway Sun 24-Feb-13 21:58:41

Thank you solid, it's quite scary how he turns me into a withering bloody mess.
I do now ignore, I don't engage but I want to scream at him all the things I wrote. Don't know how lucky I am!? How hard it is for him.
No maintenance again this week etc.
he makes me angry but most of all sad that he can't see what's actually going on.
I have accepted he won't change his attitude or opinions but how someone can be so off with their reasoning and understanding is shocking to me, even now, having lived with him for years.
I'm gonna instruct my solicitor to go all out for him to leave me alone and to suggest he sticks to, and makes the most of, his time with ds.
I absolutely hate being in this situation, I am so much better at not engaging, I really am. I never let him know he is getting to me but he does and I've no idea how to stop that conpletely

When you've lived with an abusive whanger for a long time, and you once loved him, it's hard to let go of the idea that he has superpowers and will always 'win', and that if you are not obeying and indulging him then you are in the wrong. Even though it's bullshit and he's an inadequate, silly little man who other people undoubtedly find ludicrous and unappealing.
Talk to a solicitor, have this man forced to back off and behave himself (as you have every legal right to do) and give yourself time. While he may continue trying to upset you, at least until he finds some other poor woman to torment, it will bother you less and less and eventually you will regard everything he does with mildly amused contempt. Best of luck.

Wereonourway Mon 25-Feb-13 20:43:00

Solid I always thank posters for their responses but I'd like to really really thank you for that one.
The first part of your post perfectly analyses and concludes how I feel and describes ex(and myself) to a t.
I will keep referring to that in the hope I reach the end of your post sooner rather than later.
Thank you again

SGB- I too would like to say that is a superb post. My ex shall now be known as the whanger in my head grin

Wereonourway Mon 25-Feb-13 20:54:44

Mines still cuntychops, he suits cuntychops!

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