Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Paying for sex

(59 Posts)
JosMorgan Thu 21-Feb-13 08:40:48

I have posted on here in the past about my 14 yrs marriage and the fact that my husband has a huge problem with sex or ANY form of intimacy, if I approach him we can succeed in the act, but its like being with a 12 yr old. I have tried everything, he has tried very little. Religion was a huge part of his growing up along with a very over bearing mother. Anyway that is not why I am posting this. I do not want my marriage to end, but I have needs. My thoughts are at the moment for me to pay for sex, but I have no idea where to start, my main concern is my safety. Pls do not reply if you are wanting to persuade me not to follow this course of action. I am at this point only thinking about it.
Where do I start, where do you got for recommendations?????

kalidanger Thu 21-Feb-13 08:52:48

The internet.

ImperialBlether Thu 21-Feb-13 10:52:58

Why are you so desperate to keep the marriage going?

If you pay for sex now, you'll pay for it for the rest of your life! How often do you want sex? You can't afford to pay that many times!

I flinched when you said he was like a 12 year old. It must be really, really awful, particularly as he doesn't seem capable of change.

Do you really want a life without intimacy and sex unless you have to pay someone for it?

I'm not saying don't pay for it. You wouldn't have to online, god knows, anyway. It's just that what women get from sex, the intimacy, the closeness, the lying together afterwards, you wouldn't get that if you paid, would you? You'd get a massage, the physical act of sex, an orgasm, but he wouldn't kiss you and tell you you were fantastic and he loved you, would he?

I think you should rethink your marriage if it's got to the point where you need to pay someone to do what your husband should do.

ImperialBlether Thu 21-Feb-13 11:00:16

I've just read your other thread where you concluded he could be asexual. However, someone points out that if he's masturbating regularly, he's unlikely to be asexual. Do you know if he uses porn?

I remember someone on here talking about the way porn makes it impossible for men to have normal sex, something about the "wanker's grip" was mentioned! If he grew up in a very religious home but with normal sexual feelings, he may well have used porn online to satisfy himself.

The other thing is that with porn, quite normal sites link to awful sites - I remember when I looked at a site my son had been on - it was something like and there were links to sex with animals. There's always one step further in porn and that's one thing I find very unhealthy about it.

Just a thought.

LeoniPoni Thu 21-Feb-13 11:10:25

I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you to have gotten to this point.

There's no judgement here from me because it's normal you want some physical attention. But I would definitely be concerned about your safety. Both from attacks, sexual health and being taken advantage of financially.

Ending a marriage isn't something I'd just start recommending but if you do decide to stay in your marriage that is not fully satisfying you then perhaps you could think about ways to try and satisfy yourself? I know you wouldn't have to the benefit of another person but I'm unsure how fulfilling a paid sexual partner would be.

mirry2 Thu 21-Feb-13 11:14:46

Why not try internet dating? There must be lots of men out there......

kittybiscuits Thu 21-Feb-13 11:19:46

Hi Jos my heart goes out to you. I don't know about this, so can't advise, other than saying that I guess the options would be 'male escort' type sites, or I guess 'no strings sex' for married people type sites. I think you deserve so much more than this, but maybe paying for sex is a place to start to think about your own needs. Either this will make things managable for you, or open up that you need to move on and have the possiblility of a fulfilling adult relationship. I hope someone comes along who can advise you properly re what you are asking. thanks

SonOfAradia Thu 21-Feb-13 11:25:05

Overuse of porn can seriously affect your sex life with your actual partner. Been there, done that, got the bloody t-shirt back in the mid-late 90s when I first got a broadband connection. I'm sure I appeared asexual and/or secretly gay to my wife during that time, too. In fact I know I did as she accused me (fairly loudly) of exactly that on the Piccadilly Line between Osterley and Hounslow East in 1999.

It is possible to recover, but he needs to want to. I managed to get myself out of it with the love and patience of the aforementioned lovely woman.

Dahlen Thu 21-Feb-13 11:38:13

I know you don't want to be dissuaded, but there are other ways to get sex outside of your marriage that don't involve paying a stranger and putting yourself at such serious risk.

Personally, though, I think the solution is to get your DH to address the problem. If he won't, then that says a lot about how important he sees you and your needs in the marriage, and do you really want to stay with someone who accords you such little regard?

PurityBrown Thu 21-Feb-13 11:43:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

purrpurr Thu 21-Feb-13 11:54:48

The solution to a sexless marriage isn't always to end the blasted thing. I've been in a sexless relationship, then marriage, for 5 years. I love my DH too much to destroy him and me by ending the relationship simply because I have a physical need that has to be met occasionally. And it is a need, not a want. It's only a want for so long before it either becomes a desperate need - a libido is a real thing - or it dies a horrible death.

I wouldn't suggest you look at paying for sex, but discuss with your DH the possibility of an open marriage, which would introduce a level of safety into the equation that would not be there if you had to do this 'undercover' so to speak. Your DH may not be happy to discuss an open marriage. I'm not sure mine would be right now. But part of the issue is respect. If he's a 12-year old when it comes to sex (mine is even younger than that) does he have the emotional maturity to recognise the place of sex within a marriage, and what may need to happen if it is absent permanently? I presume you've tried toys etc to keep yourself 'ticking over' as it were? My DH giggles like a small child when he finds my toys, but they keep me going. Luckily for me, I can still vividly remember being with two previous partners who were all about the sex, every night of the week, but were incredibly unsuitable partners for me in other ways - abusive, neglectful, in some ways. So I can still say to myself, 'no, you got the good guy, you just need to take care of your needs.' It is lonely though. So many women still see the female orgasm as something that is entirely optional. A lot of men believe that, still, as well. It's sickening.

ImperialBlether Thu 21-Feb-13 12:03:29

Purity, if you read the OP's other thread, they did try therapy.

kittybiscuits Thu 21-Feb-13 12:05:14

purity did you mean to show such callous regard to the OP's feelings? How do you rate the chance of getting a partner who won't do any kind of intimacy, into therapy?

perplexedpirate Thu 21-Feb-13 12:08:09

Isn't there a website for married dating (pretty sure it's for sexy times, rather than actual dates!). Maybe try that.
If you don't have any luck on there I bet there's someone who can point you in the right direction.

It would cheaper to use one of the dating sites for married people seeking discreet NSA sex. Male sex workers who take women clients are often high-end, intelligent, capable of taking good care of themselves (WRT sexual health) but this also means that they will charge you several hundred pounds a session; unless you are very wealthy and have a source of money your H doesn't know about or something, this could lead to problems.

Angelfootprints Thu 21-Feb-13 12:12:35

What does your dh think about you paying for sex?

If he doesn't know and approve then you are cheating. Cheating is not the answer.

Devendra Thu 21-Feb-13 12:14:18 its free

kittybiscuits Thu 21-Feb-13 12:14:43

Physical needs are very important OP. I am glad you value yours enough to know that it's okay to do something about them not being met.

Angelfootprints Thu 21-Feb-13 12:17:17

Wow. Be amazed to see the responses if the genders were swapped.

PurityBrown Thu 21-Feb-13 12:18:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Angel - I agree, the responses would, on the whole, be markedly different.

kittybiscuits Thu 21-Feb-13 12:26:22

Purity...I'd love to know more about congitive dissonance.

I'd take the same view re a couple of any gender, to be honest. I think physical needs are important. When a person has taken all the steps it's reasonable to take to resolve things, then they have a right to decide what to do about it. There have been other threads on MN where both men and women have been in non sexual relationships, and the non sexual partner has said 'I understand that you have needs and you can do what you need to do to meet them'. It's not a war of the genders. If you respect and care about your partner, you should be concerned if they are unhappy at the complete absence of a sexual relationship and the impact this could have on them.

Dahlen Thu 21-Feb-13 12:28:35

Prostitution is an ugly trade, involving trafficking, coercion, abuse and exploitation. However, there is a marked difference in risk for male prostitutes compared to female prostitutes, and the main dangers for male prostitutes comes from male punters. You cannot compare a woman seeking to pay for sex with a man seeking to do the same. They are incomparable. Which is not to say that either is ok, because in my book they are not.

Angelfootprints Thu 21-Feb-13 12:37:57

Right. And it will do wonders for the OP already battered self esteem to know she had to sink as low as hiring a prostitute wont it?

Yeah, this is really great long- term solution, bound to magically solve everything.

OP I know you don't want as to dissuade you, but those who really care will be telling you this is a really, really bad idea.

Hopingtobehappy Thu 21-Feb-13 13:06:05

'I'm appalled that your solution to this involves renting another human's body for a few hours. Have a bit more respect for other people, your partner and yourself. If you want sex, and please don't confuse 'want' with 'need', you won't die from lack of sex, then find yourself a no-strings or swinging site'

This saddens me a lot :-(

Of course you wont 'die' from lack of sex. You wont die from a lot of things but that doesnt mean that you have to just put up with it.

I was in a sexless marriage for a lot of years and it is awful. You feel unloved, unwanted, unattractive, unneeded.

As someone else has pointed out, libido is a very real thing and it doesnt last forever, there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to feed it (and enjoy it!)

OP sorry I dont have any answers, but I dont think that you should pay for sex, try and find someone who doesnt want long term strings attached, maybe for a 'friends with benefits' situation

LeoniPoni Thu 21-Feb-13 13:21:03

I think ideally Hopingtobehappy's "friends with benefits" or one of the sites for married people would be a safer option, perhaps talking to like minded people would help as well as the sex?

Please always let someone know where you're going and what's going on though. Meeting someone you don't know has risks so best to minimise them when possible.

kittybiscuits Thu 21-Feb-13 13:23:40

The most positive step is to see this situation as something you can DO something about, whatever you decide in the end re paying for sex. It's not something you have to put up with and it's great that you're considering your options OP.

Narked Thu 21-Feb-13 13:28:06

Paying for sex is repugnant.

Viviennemary Thu 21-Feb-13 13:36:15

Would he not be prepared to go for therapy. If he had a difficult childhood and overbearing mother perhaps therapy could help. Don't think you should pay for sex. The health implications alone are enough not to never mind moral issues.

Darkesteyes Thu 21-Feb-13 14:02:07

Angelfootprints voiceofunreason i agree with you both too. I think the responses would be different if the genders were swapped. In fact ive got a thread running on the Feminism board about this because there was an article in the Indy 2 days ago where the journo was a bit judgy towards a woman in a sexless marriage who was using Ashley Madison.
Ive been in a sexless marriage for 17 yrs and had a 4 and a half year affair which ended just over 5 yrs ago.

Darkesteyes Thu 21-Feb-13 14:04:10
JosMorgan Fri 22-Feb-13 14:38:51

ImperialBlether - I want to stay in the marriage for all the same reasons purrpurr wants to stay in her marriage, along with my 2 boys we are a happy family. DH does not know I am thinking along these lines, even though I have mentioned it before. He would not like it at all.
I have only thought about paying for sex as I had not idea that there are 'groups' out there where you can go for 'no strings' sex.
Believe me when I say I have tried and suggested everything, e.g. paying for someone to teach him, I would teach him, toys, watching porn together, reading porn together. He has been in therapy for a year now, supposedly for this reason, but I see now that he has only gone into therapy because I asked him to move out as the situation was intolerable. He did for a few weeks and then promised the world and moved back in. He doesn't want therapy for this, he just went to shut me up. Nothing has changed!
It is so sad that people feel they are knowledgeable enough about me and my situation that they can judge so harshly. I AM ONLY considering this because I am desperate! I am so lonely, I feel unloved, unwanted, like there is something wrong with me.

Darkesteyes Fri 22-Feb-13 16:55:21

Jos he sounds like a very selfish and controlling man. Attending therapy to "shut you up" because he thought he was going to lose his cosy little family life and status as a married man.
I dont think he has a right to control you like this. It is abusive.
He "promised the world" just to get his feet back under the table.
After seven years of no sex or affection at all i had an affair When dh found out he called me a bitch.
A few years later he told me to "do what i need to do but be discreet about it" Jos i feel the same as you. Lonely depressed been crying at the drop of a hat. The last few months have been particularly bad. I turn 40 in June which doesnt help. I know how you feel.

Darkesteyes Fri 22-Feb-13 16:57:48

Is he still going to therepy. How long did he go for. Did he actually attend?

So it's ok for either partner in a relationship to go elsewhere for sex? Whilst still in that relationship? And without the knowledge of their partner?


purrpurr Fri 22-Feb-13 17:12:57

Jos, it's heartbreaking that you feel like there must be something wrong with you. I felt like that for a long time, too. I'm only young, I used to think. Most of me is where it should be, more or less. I'm in my prime. Why doesn't my husband fancy me? What can be so god awful and disgusting about me that the person who volunteered to stay with me for life doesn't even want me? I felt ashamed and dirty. Horrible. Please don't feel like this. It can't be your fault. It simply can't be.

When me and my DH sat down and talked it through, a lot of unexpected things came up, the main points were:

1) He'd assumed that sex was not important for me, because I'm a woman, so he didn't think he was depriving me of anything. He's always very affectionate and cuddly, but as far as he was concerned, sex was a man's game only. Sure, aren't we wimmins always on the asprin at Sex O'Clock as that's when we get our headaches and need to go to bed early (alone)? Then occasionally we'll let out our corsets a little, lie down flat on the bed and roll our eyes at the ceiling while our menfolk pump away enthusiastically on top. Then when they are done, we wipe ourselves and go fold the laundry. Yeah, right.

2) The above made me see static for a bit. Then he said he just didn't feel sexy. He felt unfit, not toned enough, unattractive, and it was practically impossible for him to get in the mood when he felt about as attractive as a bag of spuds. Now this I could totally understand. I'm sure any sexually active person has, from time to time, had their libido do a runner because they felt a bit bleurgh.

Sorry for the extra long comment there but do either of those ring a bell re: your DH?

A person who is witholding sex but insistent on staying in the relationship is being selfish, and therefore the other partner shouldn't feel ashamed of getting his/her needs met elsewhere.
TBH Jos I think you might eventually get rid of this H purely because his selfishness is going to manifest in a lot of other ways as well. Either that or you will meet someone else who wants a relationship with you.

Zaphiro Fri 22-Feb-13 17:21:12

I'm with Purity. Paying for sex isn't the answer.

badinage Fri 22-Feb-13 17:47:18

There are a few more honourable options here than becoming a sex industry consumer and propping up a horrible industry, finding a no-strings sex site for married liars or having a secret affair.

You could be honest with your husband about seeking sex and affection from elsewhere, giving him the permission to do the same if he wants - and then finding someone who's single and giving that person no false hope of a commitment.

Or you could be honest about what you're considering and hope that this might finally jolt your husband into facing up to the issues in your relationship.

Or you could change your mindset about whether it's worth staying in a relationship with no sex, acknowledge that it's important to you and that leaving a sexless relationship is a perfectly legitimate action. Lots of women wouldn't think twice about leaving a relationship that involved violence, infidelity, abuse or bad parenting. I'll never understand why 'no sex' isn't put in the same bracket.

Personally, I'd never let someone else's behaviour lead to me becoming a cheat, a liar or someone who hurt other women by having illicit sex with their partners - and there's no way I'd touch the sex industry with a bargepole. I'd rather keep my integrity intact and take responsibility for my own actions.

There are more ethical options here.

Darkesteyes Fri 22-Feb-13 18:03:46

1) He'd assumed that sex was not important for me, because I'm a woman, so he didn't think he was depriving me of anything. He's always very affectionate and cuddly, but as far as he was concerned, sex was a man's game only. Sure, aren't we wimmins always on the asprin at Sex O'Clock as that's when we get our headaches and need to go to bed early (alone)? Then occasionally we'll let out our corsets a little, lie down flat on the bed and roll our eyes at the ceiling while our menfolk pump away enthusiastically on top. Then when they are done, we wipe ourselves and go fold the laundry. Yeah, right.

Exactly purr purr. Cos we wimmin dont really like sex anyway right? This proves what i was saying earlier. We live in a very mysogynistic society. What did he say when you pointed out how archaic his views are. How would he explain the popularity of womens erotic fiction then? (and i dont mean the awful 50 Shades) im thinking of the Black Lace books or classics like Anais Nin or the Story of O. JESUS CHRIST.

Oh and freddie Just so you know ive had WA confirm this kind of behaviour as controlling and abusive.

Darkesteyes Fri 22-Feb-13 18:05:49

well as the partner’s friends and family.

Sexual Abuse

Sexual abuse is any forced or coerced sexual act or behavior motivated to acquire power and control over the partner. It is not only forced sexual contact but also contact that demeans or humiliates the partner and instigates feelings of shame or vulnerability – particularly in regards to the body, sexual performance or sexuality.

Common examples are:
•Unwanted touching
•Demeaning remarks about the partner’s body or appearance
•Minimization of the partner’s sexual needs
•Berating the partner about his sexual history
•Demeaning remarks about the partner being too femme or butch
•Forcing sex or sexual actions on the partner without consent
•Using force or roughness that is not consensual, including forced sex (rape)
•Rape with an object
•Refusing to comply with the partner’s request for safe sex
•Coercing the partner into sex with others
•Purposefully and repeatedly crossing the partner’s sexual boundaries
•Violating an agreement for monogamy by having sex with others
•Exposing the partner to sexually transmitted diseases
•Treating the partner as a sex object
•Criticizing sexual performance or desirability
•Withholding sex as a punishment
•Unwanted sadistic sexual acts

Darkesteyes Fri 22-Feb-13 18:06:12

•Minimization of the partner’s sexual needs

Darkesteyes Fri 22-Feb-13 18:07:03

•Withholding sex as a punishment

runningforthebusinheels Fri 22-Feb-13 18:08:31

I would think very carefully before you go down the paying for sex / no strings sex route. Apart from the fact that paying for sex and cheating on your partner is abhorrent - I'm not so certain it will make you feel any better in the long run. It's all a bit grim - and as pp's have said, you might not want to put your money into propping up the sex industry.

Another option I can see is to discuss an open relationship with your husband - then at least no deceit would be involved. I haven't read your other thread but it sounds like an awfully sad situation - I really feel for you.

i'm not arguing that if you want sex you can leave your relationship and go somewhere else for it. My point is that doing so without the knowledge of your partner is an affair. And if a man posted that on here, sexless marriage or not, he'd be flamed to a crisp

badinage Fri 22-Feb-13 18:09:18

So if you think you're living with an abusive misogynist then take responsibility for your own actions and leave.

Or if you think you're living with someone who just doesn't like sex (which is their right) but is otherwise a good partner and father, be honest about negotiating an open relationship and seek single partners.

You don't have to be an angry martyr or a cheat to do the right thing.

Darkesteyes Fri 22-Feb-13 18:10:11

Err no he woudnt Freddie. Check out summerdads threads!

badinage Fri 22-Feb-13 18:13:56

Having secret affairs and using prostitutes is also sexual abuse - there might also be financial abuse if the family budget is being compromised to pay for it all.

Darkesteyes Fri 22-Feb-13 18:17:21

I agree badinage. I would NEVER use a male escort for those reasons. And i would want someone who really wanted me.

scaredbutexcited Fri 22-Feb-13 18:27:16

I think some are being very tough on the OP. She is clearly unhappy and not thinking about this lightly.

If I was in this situation, I think I would leave.

It is not just about the sex (although that is important). It is also about the intimacy and knowing the other person cares for you.

If you wanted one more try I would possibly insist on going to the therapy together as you need to be open and honest with each other for any chance of it working.

Other than that you deserve love, affection, consideration and intimacy. Sex is clearly not the only issue here (from what I can tell) and you need to make sure you are happy.

badinage Fri 22-Feb-13 18:32:26

Secret affairs are similar though - they still involve un-negotiated time and money, not to mention infidelity.

The thing is there's no point bleating about misogyny and how men think that women's needs aren't important if women are still too ashamed to tell it how it is and to be open about their needs - and if they aren't met either voting with their feet or being transparent about having sex elsewhere. Secrecy and cheating doesn't solve the problem at all, it just compounds it and keeps women's sexual needs hidden away out of view again.

harryhausen Fri 22-Feb-13 19:36:41

OP, I used this site for some dirty talk with strangers. I never met anyone although I had lots of offers. Me and my DH were having a terrible time. Lots of issues going on. We're now at Relate and things are much better between us.

I agree that ideally, finding a better sex life within the marriage is the way forward. I'm glad I never met anyone for sex now - but I will say that at the time it was a huge turn on for me and made me feel that I was desirable. Which probably was very false, but it helped me through a few awful weeks.

I'm sorry if that shocks anyonehmm

Darkesteyes Fri 22-Feb-13 21:16:12

badinage thats a very good point but in some cases there are other cultures involved. Some women would be putting themselves at risk by being open about it.

cronullansw Fri 22-Feb-13 21:25:26

There is so much free sex available via sites like fabswingers, ashleymadison, martialaffair, illictencounters etc, that I honestly fail to see why anyone might need to actually part with any money smile

Girl, if you want some no strings, without breaking up the marriage, it is easily doable, and you can go forward with your life.

But overall, the gender bias here is, once again, the astonishing thing. If a bloke had dared to suggest this course of action, he'd have been slaughtered, not offered tips and advice. I find it very amusing...

Darkesteyes Fri 22-Feb-13 21:30:03

Cron are you reading the same thread. She DID "get slaughtered" by some posters.
And there are other double standards at work too. Which is obvious from the attitude that BCDGs dh showed.

Darkesteyes Fri 22-Feb-13 21:32:03

I beg your pardon. Sorry I meant the double standards as displayed by purrpurrs DH. Sorry BC.


1) He'd assumed that sex was not important for me, because I'm a woman, so he didn't think he was depriving me of anything. He's always very affectionate and cuddly, but as far as he was concerned, sex was a man's game only. Sure, aren't we wimmins always on the asprin at Sex O'Clock as that's when we get our headaches and need to go to bed early (alone)? Then occasionally we'll let out our corsets a little, lie down flat on the bed and roll our eyes at the ceiling while our menfolk pump away enthusiastically on top. Then when they are done, we wipe ourselves and go fold the laundry. Yeah, right.

badinage Fri 22-Feb-13 22:39:07

Darkesteyes if women are constrained by culture or religion from asserting their sexual rights and leaving their marriages, having secret affairs and seeing prostitutes (both high-risk activities) must surely pose the same risk of harm/community shaming, so I don't really buy that.

JosMorgan Tue 26-Feb-13 10:54:02

My update, I have read all the posts on my thread and spent a lot of time thinking. in an adult calm conversation I put to my husband the the subject of 'Sexual Abuse' put forward by Darkesteyes. He said This left him feeling very uncomfortable, but very little else. I have asked my husband for an open relationship, his reaction was that he didn't want that, but was not in a position to say no to me.

zeffa101 Mon 10-Mar-14 22:51:51

Established escort agencies (I.E. those which have been in existence for several years) are usually a safe bet. If you Google their will, I am sure be escorts advertising for women clients. Good luck.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now