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Second date

(81 Posts)
ConfuzzledMummy Mon 18-Feb-13 19:23:37

I recently met a man and were seeing each other. On Saturday we went out to an Italian and had a few drinks. He admitted after he's a bit skint so I suggested we stay in this Friday and watch a film or something. Is this a bit weird to do considering its only our second date?

ParsleyTheLioness Mon 18-Feb-13 19:35:45

Mmm...it's a long since I had a date, so not sure. Could you do something free, but outside, if the weather is ok? Walk round a lake, by the river, canal or something. Just wondering if it might raise expectations of dtd iuswim...

It's not at all weird, in fact it happens all the time. But you do know he will be expecting sex don't you?

ConfuzzledMummy Mon 18-Feb-13 19:38:08

well we've already been there lol! So that's no problem there grin

lol. That's fine then. So why are you wondering if it's weird to stay in?

izzyizin Mon 18-Feb-13 19:40:02

Stay in where? Your place or his?

ParsleyTheLioness Mon 18-Feb-13 19:40:21

That's what I wondered Cat... depends on if you want to do the Horizontal Lambarda. Also, do you lower the goalposts, and set a precedent for staying in most of the time? Or museum, art gallery, followed by a coffee? Depending on what's on locally?

deedotty Mon 18-Feb-13 19:40:56

Aye, I kind of agree with ParsleyTheLioness - of course NOTHING wrong with second date nakedness if you want it grin but snuggling on a sofa does create a cosy "intimate" atmosphere straight away. Plus I think depending on how the dating progresses, you might not want to put yourself in the "I'm the hostess" role straight away or there might be an expectation created there?

Free museums, depending on location/time? Stop for ONE coffee in a really nicely located coffee shop? You can always go "back to mine" later.

PS You're not "weird" for doing anything, you're just fine, everyone has a different perspective on things smile

ParsleyTheLioness Mon 18-Feb-13 19:41:09

Ha, cross posts...

ConfuzzledMummy Mon 18-Feb-13 19:42:23

Well that's why I thought it might be weird parsley. Is it lowering the standards too soon? We would be at mine.

deedotty Mon 18-Feb-13 19:42:29

Ha ha, great minds think alike and all that ... smile

ConfuzzledMummy Mon 18-Feb-13 19:43:49

Thankyou Dee grin

ParsleyTheLioness Mon 18-Feb-13 19:47:36

If I knew then what I know now, lol.... I think I have been a bit keen in the past to make life easy, and to host, provide food and wine etc. In hindsight, I'm not sure I was any better regarded for it. I'm not criticising, we all need some rumpy pumpy!

ConfuzzledMummy Mon 18-Feb-13 19:48:41

well I'll be getting all sorts of treats to eat and drink in. Just hope im not rushing into things hmm

ParsleyTheLioness Mon 18-Feb-13 19:53:46

Just from my own experience, so may well be my 'ishoo' I have been a bit too generous in the past, then gradually cottoned on to the idea that I was financing more than my fair share of stuff...it's a lot harder to stop it, than it is not to start it I think. Just might be something to be aware of, that may never be relevant to your situation.

izzyizin Mon 18-Feb-13 19:58:48

Staying in at yours? Forget it. That'll be setting a dangerous precedent of you paying for heating/lighting and no doubt snacks/beverages with optional breakfast while you're cosied up on your sofa shagging watching a movie for every date you have with Mr Skint.

If you can't find a free event to attend on Friday night, meet up in a Wetherspoons or similar where the price of a pint/g&t is less than a coffee in many London establishments and, if there's any 'going back to mine' after your date, make sure it's back to his so you can at least have opportunity to check he's single what he seems to be - and don't forget to text his address to a friend before you go to his place.

Corygal Mon 18-Feb-13 20:01:22

Well I think it's fine if you suggested it, but I'd be wary of setting a precedent of booty calling - quite early in the day for that.

izzyizin Mon 18-Feb-13 20:02:09

I'll be getting all sorts of treats to eat and drink in Rushing? Bloody hell, it's a stampede. Why? Are you desperate for another shag to have a man in your life? hmm

ConfuzzledMummy Mon 18-Feb-13 20:09:58

Izzy that wasnt the question i was asking advice about you dont know my situation. Please dont assume i just want another shag in my life!angry

superstarheartbreaker Mon 18-Feb-13 20:11:21

Oh come on guys...what's wrong with staying in for a shag? It's a recession fgs. You'd only be staying in alone I guess if you weren't dating so don't stress about cock lodging and using up your gas and electric just yet. Do stress about it if Mr skint never ever suggests going out in the future.

superstarheartbreaker Mon 18-Feb-13 20:11:43

And there's nothing wrong with being desperate for a shag op!

superstarheartbreaker Mon 18-Feb-13 20:12:33

I like all the cosying up on the sofa pretending to watch a dvd whislt getting naked etc!

ConfuzzledMummy Mon 18-Feb-13 20:12:53

And btw I've been to his before and I know he's single!

ConfuzzledMummy Mon 18-Feb-13 20:15:18

Thankyou superstar, if he wants to make a regular thing out out it well that's another story. I'll make it clear that as well as staying in I love going out smile

izzyizin Mon 18-Feb-13 20:24:22

I'm just trying to look out for your best interests, honey, but I must confess it wouldn't occur to me to invite a man back to my home for an evening in until we'd enjoyed a number of dates out or, possibly, a few at his place - with the onus on him to provide the entertainment snacks/beverages etc.

ParsleyTheLioness Mon 18-Feb-13 20:27:54

I don't know if its an age thing, but I am 51 and have had my good nature taken advantage of too often to let it happen again so more careful now.

izzyizin Mon 18-Feb-13 20:36:54

It may be an age thing in that wisdom comes with experience, Parsley, but I believe it's also very much value thing in that the higher value you place on yourself, the more men others are likely to value you accordingly.

ParsleyTheLioness Mon 18-Feb-13 20:42:15

I think I agree Izzy. Not sure it should work like that, but it certainly seems to.

ConfuzzledMummy Mon 18-Feb-13 20:49:12

Sorry izzy, im just trying to work things out in my head. Yes its gone very quick but I don't want to be a booty call! I never even thought how personal it would be having him at my place. Would you make an excuse to get out of it and stay at his or keep to the plan and hope he doesn't get too comfy?

sarahseashell Mon 18-Feb-13 22:33:37

hmm if he's skint a lot of your dates are likely to go this way? I'd just buy a packet of popcorn and make it clear you'd like to go out next time? Or if you'd rather go out or go to his then do it's only the second date! don't invest too much at this stage
good luck!

wotsoccurring Mon 18-Feb-13 22:42:05

I definitely wouldn't 'stay in' at this stage. If you end up in a real relationship you could have years of that ahead of you. You must be mad. I invited a guy back too mine too soon and it became such a pattern that I'm sure it contributed to the failure of the relationship. Mind you, with the next guy I made sure it was just dates for ages, not even inviting him in for coffee when he dropped me off. When we finally dtd, I didn't like it and never saw him again. (So what do I know?)

LemonDrizzled Mon 18-Feb-13 23:05:57

I'm bit confused how this can be a second date OP if you have already got naked with him and seen his place. But maybe I'm being dim.

For your reassurance, when I met my OP after weeks of online chat I had a drink with him in a pub then lured him back to mine for a second date. I fed him delicious food then had my wicked way with him! It has all been wonderful, he doesn't expect me to provide all the snacks and we spend as much time at his place as at mine.

If he is a good one then it will all be fine. If he is a dud you will soon know!
Have a good time and report back here afterwards because we are nosey

ConfuzzledMummy Tue 19-Feb-13 09:25:29

Thank you for all your reassurance, I will be reporting back grin

Piecesofmyheart Tue 19-Feb-13 09:37:11

Nothing at all wrong with cosy nighrs in BUT a bloke professing to be skint after a first date would be a massive red flag for me.

GuffSmuggler Tue 19-Feb-13 09:49:15

So you've shagged him after the first date and now he's 'too skint' to go out anymore? Of course he is! He doesn't have to bother with all the niceties of restaurants and pubs and having to make conversation and woo you if he can cut to the chase and come straight to yours to get his end away.

Ashoething Tue 19-Feb-13 09:52:30

He is skint after one date?-dump him. I agree with other posters-he has got what he wanted and now feels he has to make no effort.

blueshoes Tue 19-Feb-13 10:24:02

He has got a good thing going if you agree to this. He needs to jump through a few more hoops IMO. Fine for fb, not if you have longer term hopes.

Mumsyblouse Tue 19-Feb-13 10:27:51

What's the point of dating if you don't get to dress up and go out a bit- even just to the local Nandos or cheap and cheerful pizza place?

I wouldn't be happy about letting a second date know my address and where I lived, even if I had slept with them on the first date.

And I don't think you can say 'I don't want to be a booty call' because you don't know what his intentions are yet, and wouldn't know for a good few dates (he may not even know yet), and it may be that as he gets to know you, he does just want sex (and how do you know you want to be in a relationship with him yet, you hardly know him?)

DreamingofSummer Tue 19-Feb-13 10:40:31

I agree with Nick Izzy

My second date was on valentines day and he turned up at mine. We watched films then he went home. No horizontal dancing that night! sad grin

I agree with Izzy on making your expectations clear of how you will be treated. Like Parsley I've also made life easy for men in the past, I was too generous with my time and efforts and it didn't serve me well. It seems for whatever reason some women want to host, cook, provide wine and breakfast for new dates. The day before is spent cleaning the house, changing sheets, stocking the fridge as he might prefer this or that.

Cheap date out, back to his.

Slumberparty Tue 19-Feb-13 11:19:33

Yes, let him come to yours but don't cook anything special or be a hostess to him. Maybe just provide a bag of popcorn and tell him to bring some wine! Otherwise he will be expecting this regularly. I hope you haven't knowingly become his booty call. You'll know if he gets up to leave after dtd ...

Slumberparty Tue 19-Feb-13 11:20:24

*should be unknowingly

frustratedworkingmum Tue 19-Feb-13 11:23:44

Why is the onus on the man to provide? Are we in the 1950s still? Does it really matter whos sofa you shag on?

ConfuzzledMummy Tue 19-Feb-13 11:46:33

At the moment im just looking for a bit of fun so it's nothing heavy, I know there are no rules. I suppose I've been out of the game for so long I don't know what's the norm with"a bit of fun" I think I might have jumped in at the deep end and hoped I come up for air! After what I went through with my ex I just want someone to show me a bit of affection and attention, god knows I went through 4years of having none of that!

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 19-Feb-13 12:16:45

This is going to sound very mercenary but I simply wouldn't date a 'skint' man.... Where's the fun in that?

deedotty Tue 19-Feb-13 12:25:00

Just wondering...smile

How did he say he was skint?

I mean did he casually say it in general conversation, or put it in a text when you guys were discussing meeting up, or say he was "skint and couldn't go out"? Did he say it after the first date was over?

ConfuzzledMummy Tue 19-Feb-13 13:36:30

He never said he couldn't go out just that he enjoyed the night and he'd love to do it again but he's a bit skint. I think he's got a lot going on, his van has broken down so I think he's worrying about paying for that. Cogito I was thinking that but im giving him the benefit of the doubt, im not rolling in it myself so i think it's unfair to not see someone just because they're a bit skint.

bunnyearsahoy Tue 19-Feb-13 13:52:52

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Estherbelle Tue 19-Feb-13 14:04:50

I went back to DP's house on our the first date after a night out. Not something I would usually do, but it felt right. Second date three days later I invited him round to my house for a meal because I felt comfortable with that. We've been together 18 months exactly today are very much in love and have bought a house together.

If you're at ease in your dates company, there's no reason why it should be "weird" to invite him to your house on a second date. Just because he's skint doesn't automatically mean he's a cocklodger.

ConfuzzledMummy Tue 19-Feb-13 14:15:57

Wow bunny! He isn't a cocklodger, he's got his own house which is lovely. He works away a lot so it's not like I'll be seeing him everyday. You have a very low opinion of men and you sound very bitter!
Thank you Estherbelle I do feel very comfortable and safe with him smile

izzyizin Tue 19-Feb-13 14:16:37

There's temporarily skint 'cos life has thrown a few unexpected and expensive curve balls, and there's permanently skint as an art form smile

If I were you, I'd find reason why my place isn't available for Friday's shagfest date and suggest that, if the cost of going out for entertainment is currently beyond his means, I'd be willing to take a dvd and packet of popcorn to his for the pleasure of his <ahem> company.

If he goes for it, turn up with no more than a dvd of your choice and said popcorn and view it as being by way of test to see if he makes an effort for you - clean sheets, candles, tidy apartment/house etc - and whether he's thoughtful and creative enough to provide drinks/snacks/breakfast on a shoestring.

At risk of sounding as mercenary sensible as Cog, I regard myself as something of an investment piece in dating terms as the more effort they put in, the more they'll be rewarded in the longer term after they've proved their worth.

He might just be skint as its getting to the end of the month, just a guess.

I wouldn't have thought twice about questioning why someone is skint.

Blackden Tue 19-Feb-13 14:29:58

Hmm. I must be mercenary too. wink

OP, at what point in the proceedings did he say he'd love to do it again but he's a bit skint? After your meal and drinks? Or in the morning? (I'm making a few assumptions here that it was your first date, and you went out for the meal first then went back to his that night. Is that right?)
Has he been in touch this week?

I also don't think you should go to much effort for him just yet, I agree with others that it would be better if you go to his house again and see what contribution he makes too.

deedotty Tue 19-Feb-13 14:36:24

Sounds a positive that he didn't himself "hint" at just staying in, just a lovely gesture from yourself smile

I think if I were you, I'd just enjoy the night and give it some time - you don't need to be in a long term relationship to see any red flags. Just a couple of months will give a better picture!

If you're discussing the third date, don't feel the need to "offer an option".

You could just flirtatiously go "erm....er...ooh I really can't wait to see you again...what do YOU think we should do?" so he's given some space to come up with a plan.

If you're talking about "general finances" could mention that your own aren't great and you're happy with simple stuff like taking a Thermos and sitting in a park, so he knows he doesn't need to do dinner and drinks if you are out again!

I think I "might" expect him to ask if you need anything brought over for your night in, or bring a bottle of wine or something. Not an immediate dealbreaker, just something to watch for!

Good luck! smile

ConfuzzledMummy Tue 19-Feb-13 14:37:33

He said it a few days after we went out blackden, yes he's been in touch this week he's working away and will be back Wednesday. So I need to get out of this then on Friday? Maybe to the local and then his?

izzyizin Tue 19-Feb-13 14:52:02

happy with simple stuff like taking a Thermos and sitting in a park

In the middle of winter, dee? shock I can't think of much worse for a second date than sitting by a frozen duckpond with a thermos of tomato soup for warmth - unless, of course, we were waiting for the helicopter to land and whisk us off to the private jet that's revved up ready to take us to Cannes grin

Tell him that as one your pal's is staying over Friday night at yours is out but you're available for a night out, albeit this may consist of staying in at his if he hasn't got sufficient readies for a few hours in his local.

Blackden Tue 19-Feb-13 14:58:51

Ok Confuzzled, understand it better now.
If it was me - because I'm a tad mercenary grin - I'd want to go out. But you're ok with staying in , so that's fine, but I'd really suggest to go to his and see what effort he makes.
Have fun!

ConfuzzledMummy Tue 19-Feb-13 15:00:42

So I just tell him my friends staying over but I can go out/go to his?

izzyizin Tue 19-Feb-13 15:13:19

That's what I'd do - what you do is, of course, entirely up to you, honey smile

ConfuzzledMummy Tue 19-Feb-13 15:15:06

Ok well he's ringing me later so ill let you know how it goes grin

ConfuzzledMummy Tue 19-Feb-13 15:25:19

I've told him he just said ok no probs hun smile

AnyFucker Tue 19-Feb-13 15:46:42

hun

hun

he called you hun ?????????

Dump. The. Fucker.

wink

ConfuzzledMummy Tue 19-Feb-13 15:52:06

Lol I quite like it!

AnyFucker Tue 19-Feb-13 16:02:17

grin

SorryMyLollipop Tue 19-Feb-13 19:13:49

I would be a bit hmm at him saying that he is skint at this stage. He seems to be managing your financially low expectations of him. We all get skint from time to time, but to tell you so early on and use it as way to broker a cheap non date?

If he was making an effort then he could surely, at least, borrow a few quid from a mate for the cinema?

I think you are setting the bar very low by going nowhere for a second date. It will set a boring and lazy precedent at a very early stage.

Why not wait til the end of the month?

The man im seeing now well our first date was during the day, food and cinema. Our second was valentines where we watched a couple of films at mine and third was the zoo.

I didn't think it mattered where the date was as long as you enjoyed it. I'm easily pleased though and like the simple things grin

ConfuzzledMummy Tue 19-Feb-13 19:19:25

He hasn't brokered anything, i asked him round to my house BEFORE he told me he was a bit short. So it was my idea. Anyway i have told him my friend is staying with me and 3 is a crowd! So I've left the ball in his court and we'll see what happens smile

thesnootyfox Tue 19-Feb-13 19:28:17

Staying in is the new going out. It would be daft of him to go out to restaurants and bars if he can't afford to. At least he is being honest!

If you don't want a skint boyfriend that is fair enough but if you want this to develop into something you will have to accept that going out will be a rarity.

ImperialBlether Tue 19-Feb-13 19:32:48

Was he on a dating site? This might sound nuts but I think if a man is too broke to date he shouldn't be on a dating site. Neither should a woman (before I'm shot.)

AnyFucker Tue 19-Feb-13 20:14:06

It does sound a bit nuts, IB. Do financially-challenged people not deserve any romantic interaction with the opposite (or indeed, same) sex ? wink

ConfuzzledMummy Tue 19-Feb-13 20:33:03

No it wasn't a dating site imperial, that's a very good point anyfucker!

AnyFucker Tue 19-Feb-13 21:00:07

I think the important aspect is that one is not taking advantage of the other (financially-wise)

If a skint bloke just wanted to ponce off me all the time, I wouldn't be impressed

But if he used his imagination, and thought of cheap and inventive things to do (instead of being happy to come to my place, eat all my food, drink all my wine, warm his tootsies at my fire etc) that would be ok

ConfuzzledMummy Tue 19-Feb-13 21:16:17

That's my thoughts exactly!

deedotty Tue 19-Feb-13 21:44:45

Aye, I think important to read "intentions" and look at the guy, rather than look at the details of what exactly a date can provide/pay for? There's a grey area between has spare cash to wine and dine every week and cocklodger and I think a lot of good men are in that grey area?

My ex husband is a City type so can/could easily afford the Michelin starred restaurants or the week away or whatever. But he's just "inside" quite a peevish, tight, "out for what he can get" man, and this was reflected in other things of our relationship angry

But I know guys who are skint who just have a more generous mentality. One of my guy friends is on NMW but will sub those with less than him, friends and dates.

If he's dating it won't be the Savoy but he will find somewhere "nice" even if it is dirt cheap and likes doing "manly" things like walking the girl home (then walking back home again himself ha ha wink) even if he can't afford to give her £20 for a taxi, or contributing as much as he can financially and doing as many "blokey odd jobs" as possible. He doesn't online date and never is actively looking for dates but doesn't struggle for attention, because he adds value/masculinity to a woman's life, even if its not in straight monetary terms.

ConfuzzledMummy Tue 19-Feb-13 22:14:55

Its nice to hear some success stories where money isn't the be all and end all of a relationship!

ImperialBlether Wed 20-Feb-13 00:14:16

Hey, I didn't mean it was! Just there are so many cases of men on dating sites thinking their very existence is everything that's needed by a woman and hey, if the woman wants them that much, they can pay for everything, too.

Maybe a spell on a dating site would make things clearer for you, AF! You wouldn't bloody believe it, I promise you.

AnyFucker Wed 20-Feb-13 00:18:28

I can believe it smile

ConfuzzledMummy Thu 21-Feb-13 20:07:21

Update: He's asked me round to his and he's going to cook for me tomorrow night smile

AnyFucker Thu 21-Feb-13 20:18:01

that's nice

have a good time

take only a bottle of wine (and your libido..)

ConfuzzledMummy Thu 21-Feb-13 21:12:29

My libido will be well and truly tucked up...AF arrived yesterday sad

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