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Awful Date - Was I Right To Walk Out?

(84 Posts)
Zilvernblue Mon 18-Feb-13 15:59:49

Online dating. Arranged to meet for a coffee. I got there a few minutes early, so just got my coffee and went and sat at a table to wait. I got a text from him saying he would be a couple of minutes late. 30 minutes later, no sign of him. I then got a text from him asking "You still coming?". I replied that I'd been there half an hour already, had had my coffee and was thinking of going home. He replied "Where are you?" and I replied that I was sitting at a corner table facing the entrance. 5 minutes later, still no sign of him, so I got up and started to make my way out. I get quite nervous meeting new people and this just threw me, as I thought he'd stood me up.

I bumped into him on the way out and it was a bit awkward, he started saying he had waited by the entrance doors to catch me on my way in. I said I didn't have that much time now, but we could maybe get a quick coffee. I must have pissed him off by sounding a bit reluctant/uncertain, because he started umming and ahhing when I said this, so I just walked off.

No text from him to apologise or explain, nothing. Was I being a bit impatient or would others have done the same? I did have to be somewhere afterwards.

kalidanger Mon 18-Feb-13 16:04:00

Yes, I would have done the same! Please don't feel the least bit bad about your reaction.

neontetra Mon 18-Feb-13 16:06:13

He doesn't sound like a keeper to me! You did the right thing.

PaulInHolland Mon 18-Feb-13 16:07:27

Did you specify beforehand exactly where in the coffeeshop you were going to meet? If not then you are both BU for not having done thatvand ending-up assuming different things. Unless the weather is wet or too cold,then I always prefer to meet by the entrance-then you know who is waiting to meet someone and in the daytime you have more light to better recognise someone.

theoriginalandbestrookie Mon 18-Feb-13 16:07:34

No he sounds like a twit. I once missed someone because I was waiting outside and he was inside even though I wandered round to try and find him.

Online dating also has a bit of karma to it as well I reckon, so you weren't meant to be with this bloke.

I met my now DH soon after the stand up incident if its any consolation.

Dahlen Mon 18-Feb-13 16:07:57

If you really need to ask if this is ok, I'm not sure you should be dating at all.

Being late for a first date is the height of rudeness, and barring death or an accident, there are no excuses. If something comes up, it is nearly always possible to get a message through so that you don't leave someone hanging on for more than 35 minutes.

He said he thought you would be waiting outside. Why? You told him you'd had coffee inside. He used that as an excuse to account for not being anywhere near as close as he claimed to be when he said he was on his way. So he's a liar who thinks you are a bit thick as well as being unpunctual. And he's also rude and displaying an overwhelming sense of superiority by not sending an apology text even if he expects never to see/hear from you again.

You are well rid.

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmmmmmmmm Mon 18-Feb-13 16:08:25

Waiting for 45 minutes for a guy to turn up.....

A. you have the patience of a saint
b. he has no manners

Waiting at the entrance to catch you on your way in ? When you had told him where you are ? Weirdo.

MillyStar Mon 18-Feb-13 16:15:34

Sounds to me like he was very very nervous about walking in and he didn't know whether to leave or not, i bet he stood outside the whole time you were in there trying to pluck up the courage, wouldn't surprise me if he had peeped round and saw you then coincidentally decided to walk in just as you were leaving!

Not a keeper either way, you need a confident man not a mouse

kalidanger Mon 18-Feb-13 16:18:36

I must have pissed him off

Don't you dare think that!

DoctorAnge Mon 18-Feb-13 16:19:09

It sounds like he wanted to see what you looked like before he went in

You are well rid

Zilvernblue Mon 18-Feb-13 16:25:00

Thanks all, I wasn't impressed! Was quite funny I suppose and yes I think par for the course for online dating. I'm going to stop doing it.

I guess he didn't know I was inside but I wasn't going to hang around a doorway on my own waiting for him! If it was the other way around I would have simply gone in the cafe to have a look for him. I honestly don't know Milly, without blowing my own trumpet, I'm an attractive woman and he was a bit on the ugly side, I kind of think he was lucky to get a date with me.

What is it with these guys on online dating that they can't simply meet someone for coffee? Even arranging it was hard work. He suggested Saturday and I agreed and asked where he suggested to meet. He replied "Anywhere in town suits me". He knows I come from out of town and have to drive in, so I was a bit stumped and didn't reply.

After I didn't reply, he eventually suggested a Costa in a shopping centre, which was fine by me, but no time, so I texted back asking if 11am was too early because I was meeting a friend at 12. He replied saying he didn't finish work til 2 (how was I supposed to know he worked on a Saturday?) but could I wait til then? I replied no, I didn't want to hang around for too long after meeting my friend and what about 4.30pm in a garden centre near me which has a coffee shop/restaurant. Argh - why couldn't he just have suggested a time and place himself? No great loss!

izzyizin Mon 18-Feb-13 16:36:57

If I arrange to meet someone outside of a venue, I would expect them to be there unless they let me know they had decided to wait inside for my arrival.

If you were seated where you could easily see the entrance and didn't spot him, I suspect he arrived considerably later than the acceptable 5 or so minutes and most probably only got there as you were leaving.

I also suspect he didn't look like a Greek god or have charm oozing from every pore otherwise you'd have found time for another coffee or would have arranged another date on the spot smile

twentythirteen Mon 18-Feb-13 16:39:01

If it's that tricky at that stage then progress no further!!!

MillyStar Mon 18-Feb-13 16:39:16

Oh good he sounds like a right tool!!

izzyizin Mon 18-Feb-13 16:39:49

Slow typist - x posted with you.

No loss, but next time do make it clear whether the meeting is to take place inside or outside of the venue otherwise you might miss out on said Greek god/charmer.

supergreenuk Mon 18-Feb-13 16:48:17

It's great you have the confidence to say your attractive. It's sad you can so easily describe someone as ugly though. Such an ugly word.

supergreenuk Mon 18-Feb-13 16:54:49

IMO you didn't communicate to each other if you would meet inside or outside. He said he would be a bit late but got there and waited for you. Then text to ask where you were so it sounds like he had no idea.
I think you were rude to just walk off and I wouldn't have text you after that to apologise for being late either.

he was a bit on the ugly side, I kind of think he was lucky to get a date with me

Sounds like he had a lucky escape IMO.

HandbagCrab Mon 18-Feb-13 17:21:20

Relationships shouldn't be hard work. He sounds hard work op. I hope you enjoyed your costa smile

izzyizin Mon 18-Feb-13 17:26:13

I guess he didn't know I was inside but I wasn't going to hang around a doorway on my own waiting for him!

What do you expect your dates to be? Mind readers?

If you're meeting a random off the net for the first time I can't think of anything more embarassing than meeting them inside a venue where others may be earwigging the 'are you... i'm...' initial greetings and eavesdropping on the subsequent conversation because their curiousity has been piqued as mine would be.

And how do you spot them in a crowded place? Are they required to wear a red carnation and carry a rolled up newspaper or do you wear an item that will stop traffic make you stand out from the hordes?

elastamum Mon 18-Feb-13 17:34:22

He sounds odd. Have done loads of internet dating before I met my DP and can honestly say that I have never had a problem finding anyone I was supposed to be meeting, either inside or outside a venue.

If he wasnt able to walk in and find you I would say he was not worth worrying about. Walking up to strangers is part of the game, you need to get over the embarrassment, if you want to date people. It is only a coffee FGS. There are lots of normal people internet dating. In my office ALL of us over 40's who have long term partners they met after uni met on the internet.

elastamum Mon 18-Feb-13 17:36:44

Oh and just remember, if they mess you around at the start when they are supposed to be on their best behaviour to impress you, it usually doesnt get any better

Zilvernblue Mon 18-Feb-13 17:38:51

It was freezing; I wasn't going to hang around a doorway, getting in the way of people coming out the garden centre with their trolleys, for half an hour when I could be sitting in the cafeteria. I felt really self conscious on my own and thought I'd been stood up. I had also asked him what he was going to be wearing and he had replied "Beanie hat lol", without asking me what I'd be wearing or where I'd sit.

It is true; I could have texted him to ask him where he was, and tell him I was in the cafe, but I thought he might have worked it out himself in the half hour I was there, or that simple curiosity might have led him to come inside and have a look for me. Or he could have simply phoned me.

I felt I'd already had to run around after him suggesting the time and place, and if he couldn't get to the venue in time or make some effort to find me in the half hour I was sitting there, then why should I do any more?

I mentioned his being ugly, because (a) he was, (b) if he'd actually turned up he might have impressed me with his personality and charm and I wouldn't have found him ugly at all and (c) I still think he was trying in some way to see whether I was in some way "good enough" for him to have the bloody coffee with, rather than simply turning up and seeing how it went.

I have to admit I prefer a man who has a little bit of initiative.

LouiseFisher Mon 18-Feb-13 17:38:56

You did the right thing...dont worry about it! A true gent would keep contacting you and apologize for a mix-up!

Zilvernblue Mon 18-Feb-13 17:44:33

*Dragon Soup he was a bit on the ugly side, I kind of think he was lucky to get a date with me

Sounds like he had a lucky escape IMO*

I saw him from his photo on the dating site and physically he didn't appeal, but I thought he might be a nice guy and would have given him a chance. OTOH he went on about how he found my photos attractive. I think the least he could have done was to turn up on time.

And that is meant to change my opinion?

ProphetOfDoom Mon 18-Feb-13 17:54:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nandocushion Mon 18-Feb-13 18:03:57

Loser in every way. You are well rid.

ApplyYourself Mon 18-Feb-13 18:15:57

You sound like the rude one to me.

Why didn't you drop him a text to say you were sat inside? He obviously assumed that you'd meet him outside

BerylStreep Mon 18-Feb-13 18:25:38

Sorry, but you do sound like hard work.

you're not soul mates...

AmberLeaf Mon 18-Feb-13 18:46:29

Cant believe you are getting stick from some replies here OP.

He was late and unapologetic. That is enough to say thanks but no thanks.

Don't give him another thought.

HorseDNAinJellyAndIcecream Mon 18-Feb-13 18:51:06

Even AFTER you told him by text you were inside, he still didn't materialise. You on'y bumped into him when you decided to leave. So I wonder what he was doing for those five minutes!?

flippinada Mon 18-Feb-13 18:57:22

I really can't fathom why the rude responses on here OP. Don't take them to heart. Finding someone unattractive is not a crime.

In response to your question, you were not unreasonable to walk out.

AmberLeaf Mon 18-Feb-13 18:57:42

Applyyourself OP said in her first post she said in a text she was sat inside.

izzyizin Mon 18-Feb-13 19:02:34

I got there a few minutes early, so just got my coffee and went and sat at a table to wait. I got a text from him saying he would be a couple of minutes late.

It would seem it wasn't until the OP got a text from him half an hour later asking whether she was still intending to turn up that she let him know that she was inside, AL.

donnasummer Mon 18-Feb-13 19:04:05

you did the right thing
and anyone taking exception to the word ugly, an online search on provincial over 40 males looking to date will convince you it's actually a compliment

flippinada Mon 18-Feb-13 19:11:55

Reading back I suspect some people have taken high exception to a) the OP daring to describe herself as attractive (we all know women must be self deprecating at all times) and b) finding her date not very attractive, which is hardly crime of the century.

This sort of thing happens all the time and I'm not sure why it's deserving of OP having her posts being pulled to pieces.

carlywurly Mon 18-Feb-13 19:17:14

Because its rude, unfair and frankly shallow to think someone is less worthy of dating because of their looks.

It's a really horrible way to judge people and it makes me sad how acceptable it seems to be on here sometimes.

Manners, attitude,fair enough. They can be changed. Looks can't.

No, I took exception to the OP saying the man was ugly and lucky to have got a date with her.

The saying beauty is only skin deep seems apt.

deedotty Mon 18-Feb-13 19:25:27

YANBU.

As you noted early on when you were texting, he seemed a bit off then, as if not really picking up appropriate social cues, not making you comfortable.

I reckon in online dating (hell make that LIFE grin) this is a good skill to have? Trust your instincts, don't stifle them.

You don't need to be too rigid and expect it to look a certain way or for his first message to be an invitation to a Michelin starred restaurant, but look for the tone not the text. If you're feeling hmmmmmmmmmmmm then often it's for a reason! Suspect even if this meet had gone through Ok he'd have been a bit weird further down the line.

For the record, I think for EVERYONE the online dating experience throws up some weirdos and slightly uncomfortable encounters on the way to the good ones, it's not just you. Just keep on moving, keep learning, and don't take the weird ones personally smile

KobayashiMaru Mon 18-Feb-13 19:28:59

He thought you'd stand outside for well over half an hour? And some posters here think you should have done?

hmm WTF?

BelindaCarlisle Mon 18-Feb-13 19:30:55

he saw you and was heading away ( fool!) when you rumbled him

that is why he asked where you were

flippinada Mon 18-Feb-13 19:36:53

Oh yes, I see what you mean.

What a complete cow the OP is, not wanting to go on a date with someone who is rude and unattractive.

Not to worry, I'm sure this fabulous dude will have a horde of grateful women just queuing up for a date.

In fact, I bet hat's why he was late, he was beating off all his admirers with a shitty stick!

AmberLeaf Mon 18-Feb-13 19:48:38

Having seen his pics on the dating site, if the OP was that shallow she wouldn't have arranged to meet him would she.

He mucked her around and she is venting, give her a break.

The man was socially inept. The OP comes across as rude and shallow. "Lucky to get a date with me" my arse.

I wonder if this new poster is really Samantha Brick.

flippinada Mon 18-Feb-13 19:55:36

No, she doesn't - you don't sound particularly pleasant yourself, however.

The man appears to have arrived a few minutes late, having let the OP know, and waited for her outside. She does not appear to have replied to this initial text at all, most people would have said something like "that's OK, I'm sitting inside, see you when you get here".

Classic case of two sides to very story. I bet his version would be different but no less accurate.

hmm

AmberLeaf Mon 18-Feb-13 20:00:07

A few minutes late?

I must be reading a different OP

he was a bit on the ugly side, I kind of think he was lucky to get a date with me.

No, doesn't sound rude and shallow at all.

flippinada Mon 18-Feb-13 20:06:15

I think some posters are just spoiling for a fight Amberleaf and unfortunately for the OP they've happened on her thread.

There is no mention of when he actually arrived. He said he was waiting for her outside. He long he was waiting for her without knowing she was inside is anyone's guess.

I am not spoiling for a fight.

I simply have a different opinion to you. However, I have managed to put it across without calling you names. Unlike some other posters.

Anyway, I'll leave the Samantha Brick Charm School to you and our lovely new poster.

HorseDNAinJellyAndIcecream Mon 18-Feb-13 20:13:39

It's ridiculous to object to the observation that he was ugly. I'm no oil painting. I am I suppose just the right side of neither here nor there on the scale, so I know I people have to get to know me before they like me. So if you meet somebody who isn't a good communicator, is 45 minutes late, and seems unsure about one coffee, then I think the fact that he is ugly is the final nail in the coffin for that date/man.

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep Mon 18-Feb-13 20:14:46

OK, maybe OPs comments were rude and shallow if you want to get technical, but she's entitled to her opinion, and anyway I think it's a healthy attitude to have when online dating. Would you rather she be a quivering wreck worrying whether he actually saw her and decided not to go in?

OP, I think you had a lucky escape. Chalk it up to experience and move on (I think you already have).

HorseDNAinJellyAndIcecream Mon 18-Feb-13 20:15:35

Also, ugly is subjective. I might find the men that a great beauty doesn't see quite attractive (physically). So OP was making point that to her, he was ugly. Don't see why she's being challenged over that.

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep Mon 18-Feb-13 20:16:31

Is it the fact that she thought he was ugly and lucky to get a date with her, or that she articulated it?

AmberLeaf Mon 18-Feb-13 20:18:46

They must be Flippinada

coffeeinbed Mon 18-Feb-13 20:21:26

Hold on, you say in your OP that you were a few minutes early, so he would not have ben half an hour late, but less, counting from the arranged time.
Still, he ought to have apologised.

And really, why did you feel uncomfortable on your own in a place like Costa?

Anyway, better luck next time!

Beograde Mon 18-Feb-13 20:25:47

For what ever reason, it doesn't sound as if it was going to lead any more - I feel a little sorry for the man - it sounds as if he was a few minutes late, and then waited outside (himself for up to half an hour) - perhaps he was nervous.

It was unfortunate that the OP commented not just on his appearance, but that he was lucky to get a date with her.

Never mind, dating's a game, and you've both learned a lesson

HorseDNAinJellyAndIcecream Mon 18-Feb-13 20:31:20

It's a flippant comment, and to be honest, even the ugliest of men seem to feel entitled to date beautiful women. I think it's a jungle-weary comment from an OD vet, and I aint judging her for thinking that some rude ugly bloke was lucky to get a chance to date her. He cocked it up! Lots of posters on mn ordinarily be saying 'hey girlfriend, he was lucky to get a chance with you!' but it's not ok for her to say it??

flippinada Mon 18-Feb-13 20:40:19

I better not say anything, Amberleaf - I'm clearly in cahoots with Samantha Brick grin

AmberLeaf Mon 18-Feb-13 20:41:51

grin

Alittlestranger Mon 18-Feb-13 21:07:53

You both sound a bit socially awkward and inept. Why didn't you text each other to say/ask where you were. I'd have responded to the initial text with an "ok, I'm inside by the..."

I've never had any problem spotting someone off OD and vice versa. Which I think is a good sign that honest photos are used by all parties! I find it a bit awkward if it's obvious to others that we don't know each other at first, but hey everyone is at OD now so you just have to roll with it.

BeCool Mon 18-Feb-13 21:54:08

He's a frog and you are lucky you didn't get to kiss him. grin
Keep fishing.

Piecesofmyheart Mon 18-Feb-13 22:04:14

Was this your first ever online date ?

Zilvernblue Mon 18-Feb-13 22:12:00

Thanks all for the lively remarks! I just wanted to find out if I'd been unreasaonble in getting up to leave after 30 or so minutes really. Its the first time I've been on a date for years, as I was with my ex for years.

Just to clarify:

- it wasn't Costa (that was his initial suggestion), it was a garden centre cafe/self-service restaurant. I couldn't make the Costa suggestion as he forgot to tell me he didn't finish work til 2 on a Sat and I didn't want to drive into town twice in one day or hang around after meeting my friend at 11.

-I didn't text him to say where I was as I already had to arrange the time and place for him, had replied to his texts saying he was late and was beginning to feel I was having to run around after him as if he was a little boy. I cannot think why he didn't phone or text me if he really was waiting 30 mins in the entrance, or simply come into the cafe and look for me. The entrance was about 5 seconds walk from the cafe, so why wouldn't he come in and have a look to see if I was there?

- I was already a bit irritated by him as I felt he'd been a tad ungentlemanly re the above.

- Nevertheless, when I did bump into him when I was leaving, I did say that maybe we could go for a quick coffee although I couldn't be that long, and when he responded "Um, ahh, well, um" it was the final straw and I just walked off. He sort of gave me the impression that he was hacked off with me getting up to leave but I'd just had enough by then.

- I only mentioned I was attractive and he not in case posters thought I had some physical trait so repulsive his was a reasonable reaction to setting eyes upon me. Though I have to say I would still go for a pre-arranged coffee with someone who did have such a trait. And I may of course be wrong and I might indeed be so repulsive that men such as he take one look at me and cannot stand even the thought of a coffee.

- I also felt a bit hmmn about him because he'd kept asking me stupid personal questions between suggesting the coffee and the actual "date", such as what was my employer's name, what was my full name, which part of town did I live in, etc.. I'm a bit reticent about giving strangers on the internet personal info. Plenty of time for that on the date if you feel like it.

- I arrived at 3.57pm for a 4pm date. Got a text from him at 4.02pm saying he was going to be a few mins late so I went into the cafe then, replying "How will I recognise you?". Yes perhaps I should have precisely said I was sitting in the cafe, but I would have expected a 34 year old man who holds down a responsible job to work that out. He waited til 4.25pm before texting me to ask where I was. I left at 4.30pm by which point he'd only just made his way into the cafe where I bumped into him.

- I think any woman, no matter what she looks like, wants to be treated with courtesy and I felt he was trying to check me out in detail beforehand and perhaps at the venue itself. It was all a bit too strange for me.

- He could have been nervous but tbh again if a 34 year old man cannot go into a bloody cafe to look for someone he's arranged to meet, what can you do?

It was all a bit strange...

pinktransit Mon 18-Feb-13 22:25:48

This reminds me of a 'date' that I once almost had - wonder if it was the same person?
We arranged to meet at my local pub - and clarified that we would meet actually at the bar. I said that if I got there first, then I would be standing at the bar (and explained the bar layout as he hadn't been there before - through the front door, the bar is right in front of you, and I will be at the right hand end).
I waited. And I waited. I didn't have my mobile with me, but he knew that as we'd chatted on email earlier in the day and I'd said that he couldn't text me as I had no phone. Eventually I went home. He emailed me much later and was very cross that I hadn't found him. He got there very early, and sat in a totally different part of the bar than we'd arranged. And then, before the time that we were supposed to meet, he thought that I might be uncomfortable meeting in a bar (despite it being my suggestion), so had bought himself a sandwich from the shop over the road and then sat in his car, in the pub carpark and eaten the sandwich.
I, apparently, should have gone and searched the entire pub and carpark looking for him. He even emailed me a photo of the pub to prove that he'd been there.

Like the OP, I really couldn't go for a man that can't even manage to meet up in a pre-arranged place.

Undertone Mon 18-Feb-13 22:27:25

I think you're right to be irritated by him. Haphazard and lacklustre. <ding ding> NEXT!

I sympathise about the 'ugly' stuff although it's not very nice to say. Sometimes sifting through online profiles looking for a <glimmer> of charm or personality in the text written to accompany the sometimes rather unflattering pic... It can be frustrating when you're clutching on to a positive self-image and trying to reinforce the belief you are NOT fat/hideous... And someone you'd like to take a chance on, who you're not sure about physically, seems to reject you.

It's trivial, superficial... But it hurts.

Zilvernblue Mon 18-Feb-13 22:33:28

pinktransit thats exactly the sort of attitude he gave off!

In retrospect, I think he was probably scared.

I've noticed a few of the men who have profiles up complain about not getting any dates/not meeting women, so you would think they would have the sense when they do get a date to actually turn up on time and make sure they meet the person they've arranged to meet.

deedotty Mon 18-Feb-13 22:56:07

I agree with the "scared" thing. Overall, online dating has been a very positive experience for me - numbers game all the way! grin

But one similar meeting I had, the guy was actually hiding on the other side of the road behind a phone box so he could see the meeting spot! confused

I mean, sure we've all had our experiences of people not as attractive as their photos, etc, but it was just the not being aware of how socially weird he looked at the start that was a MASSIVE red flag.

Now, I'm as attractive or more than my photos (don't struggle with serious second dates, my last two fellahs were all match.com presents).

I was ....erm..."flattered" hmm when he came over the road.

We went to the pub but I bailed after one drink. Sometimes, if someone is good to talk to I'll have another drink, even just in a "matey" way, so we can be even on rounds. But his social skills and talking with him was just appalling!

I think he was so used to being rejected by women that he developed all these difficult, paranoid "defence mechanisms" around the actual meeting? Sounds like in your case OP smile

Bonemachine Mon 18-Feb-13 23:08:41

Don't ever wait that long for a date again. That's an order, OP.

SarahBumBarer Mon 18-Feb-13 23:08:59

I think you were both pretty rude TBH but clearly this one is just not meant to be so why sweat it?

I met DH OD. On our first date he text me about an hour before the date to say he was running a bit late and might be 10 minutes late. I replied saying not to rush and we should push back our meeting time by 30 mins. He did not see my reply, rushed like crazy got there on time and consequently thought I was 30 minutes late, He never said a word until the second date by which time he had seen my text and confessed that he thought I had stood him up :-)

You should have told him you were inside and YABU for feeling uncomfortable at sitting alone in a coffee shop in a garden centre (REALLY???) and then criticising him for being QUOTE "a 34 year old man [who] cannot go into a bloody cafe to look for someone he's arranged to meet"

BeCool Tue 19-Feb-13 10:16:08

"the guy was actually hiding on the other side of the road behind a phone box so he could see the meeting spot!"
I actually think this is very common in the online dating world - some people feel like they need to see what the person looks like in RL before they meet up for a coffee! for a fucking COFFEE!!! I mean really?? It's pathetic!! Even if they are the worst person in the whole wide world it's only a coffee.

OP I very much doubt he was waiting near then entrance for 30 minutes, but it doesn't matter. If he was waiting there, he's untogether & unthinking, if he wasn't he's a liar.

Any idiot meeting someone for a coffee would have a scout round when they arrive to see if the person is inside or hasn't arrived yet. If he was too big an idiot to think to do this then you're well rid.

Mumsyblouse Tue 19-Feb-13 10:41:56

If you are meeting at a garden centre, and he was at the entrance, how was he supposed to know you were in the cafe? I wouldn't continue with this date anyway as it sounds very hard work and I wouldn't want to give out details, but a certain amount of misunderstanding and not meeting immediately would be ok by me, as it is intimidating to walk in somewhere and find someone, and so I would have waited by the entrance unless they specifically said to meet in the cafe.

And- if he'd left the entrance to find you and you'd been looking around the begonias, he'd have then missed you, he probably thought it was better to stay put (or why didn't you go to the entrance 5 seconds away to look?)

Best left, but I don't think he committed an unredeemable crime waiting at the entrance to a garden centre (the crime was thinking a date in a garden centre would be fun IMO).

kalidanger Tue 19-Feb-13 11:38:12

Any idiot meeting someone for a coffee would have a scout round when they arrive to see if the person is inside or hasn't arrived yet. If he was too big an idiot to think to do this then you're well rid.

This! ^^

OP don't listen to anyone saying "You should have..." etc. He fucked up.

I'd stick this thread on 'hide' now, if it was me grin

Nandocushion Wed 20-Feb-13 04:01:34

WHAT a loser this guy was - and we can tell that by the way he treated you, OP. I can't believe all the people making excuses for him. Is this one of those weird female things where we excuse bad manners or worse by saying he's shy or a late bloomer or whatever? Or is everyone else equally socially inept? Either way, I can't figure out how a grown man can show up SO late, not apologise, and act like such a simpleton. Unless, of course, he IS a simpleton. (Frankly, the "beanie hat lol" comment would have done it for me.)

MarinaIvy Thu 21-Feb-13 12:20:49

"I got a text from him saying he would be a couple of minutes late" and then "he started saying he had waited by the entrance doors to catch me on my way in".

YABU, but only if you're on OnlineWeirdo World, where somebody who's late thinks it's reasonable to wait by the door to catch somebody who's presumably even later. WTAF did he get the idea you were going to be later than him? Or stand around in the cold?

All, esp those who think "what's the big deal?' Yes, this one event isn't ground-shattering, but it doesn't have to be. Mumsnet isn't just for A N Specific Problem, it's also for us to help discuss and define societal norms. And anybody who suggests a woman stand around in the cold or puts up with rudeness from a man she hasn't even met, well, I'm sorry for the world you inhabit and affect.

I think any civilised person, particularly if they're on a "first date" situation, even if the directions weren't crystal clear, would have had the default assumption of "she's in a comfortable spot, with a nice, warming cuppa, indeed a cuppa of the very thing they were meant to meet to have", and then gone to look. No brainer.

I'm also not thrilled with him asking lots of personal questions before the date. In fact, the thing about your employer and your full name and part of town - that raises my red flag a bit.

kittybiscuits Thu 21-Feb-13 12:28:54

What marina said!

MarinaIvy Thu 21-Feb-13 13:21:24

Also, Zilvern, I've done a bit of online dating, will you accept a couple of tips from my own experience? I've tended to put in place two main rules for first dates:

1. agree and rigidly stick to a time limit (typically 1/2 hr), and

2. whilst on the first date, neither party proposes a second date, but agree that follow-up (if any) gets done later, by text or email.

I've found that the men tend to feel relieved when I suggest these - if both parties know these limits going into the first meeting, they can relax a bit and maybe even get a chance to talk. Obviously, it's not going to stop all awkwardness, but it helps cut it down.

Good luck!

MarinaIvy Thu 21-Feb-13 13:22:18

Gaaah! <face palm>

Two main rules on top of the usual ones (like meeting in a public place, telling friends where you're going, etc). Definitely not instead of!!!

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