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Porn, should I be concerned?

(93 Posts)
Jamandcheese Mon 18-Feb-13 05:06:41

So, I've found out today that DH watches porn when I'm in bed. We have two DC under two so I get tires early an by 9.30 need my bed.

I know men watch porn. But the thing is we don't have sex anymore. Maybe once or twice evey two months. It use to be twice or three times a week. I'm concerned about the lack of sex and have tried to bring it up with DH but it always turns into a row.

DH had a one night stand over a year ago which we have worked through. On some days it's good, but the days that the reminders come up, it's crap.

Should I be worried that we don't have sex anymore but he gets his jolly with porn instead?

Buzzardbird Mon 18-Feb-13 05:58:16

Er yes imho. His porn is being used instead of a physical relationship with you, not as well as.
Time for counselling do you think? Or did you already do that after he slept with someone else?
The red flags are adding up a bit aren't they?

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 18-Feb-13 08:52:01

He is getting his sexual kicks outside of the marriage via ONS and porn. Not good especially since there is a strong link between porn and infidelity sad

Re the ONS, how did he work through it? what sort of things did he do to help you and the marriage recover?

Also, not all men use porn and you are entitled to your views and feelings about porn.

NaturalBlondeYeahRight Mon 18-Feb-13 09:02:18

Not quite the same but when we had dd1 we didn't have sex for about 5 months, DH started getting his jollies in same way as yours, I felt rejected - vicious circle. Finally had it out and turned out he thought he didn't want to bother me with tiny baby and didn't know I felt that way, he didn't want to get pushed away. Was all ok after that, I'm personally not bothered by porn.
Yours is a bit different in that you have dtd, who initiated those times? If him, did you huff a bit but get on with it? That's kind of ego deflating.
If I'm wrong, and you are keen but he's not responding then I would be concerned. Have you tried different times of day, I was the same in that wilting until 9.30 was hopeless with 2 small children.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 18-Feb-13 10:13:55

You should be worried about anything that is taking the place of the two of you having a normal, loving, physical relationship. He's already had a one-night stand for which he's been forgiven (?)... even though he's now engaging in activity that really does nothing to encourage you to trust him. That is not the behaviour of a man who thinks he did anything wrong. So he's rubbing your nose in it and it's only a matter of time, I would say, before he gets fed up with the porn and goes out looking for the real McCoy again.

He is taking the piss...

ecclesvet Mon 18-Feb-13 10:43:40

What does he say when you initiate sex? Do you initiate it?

Buzzardbird Mon 18-Feb-13 10:50:42

Sometimes Cogito I think we were seperated at birth. grin

Jamandcheese Mon 18-Feb-13 14:32:42

I do try to initiate sex but it never seems to be the right timehmm. So now I've stopped trying.

In aftermath of his one night stand, which there are details that made everyone on mumsnet to tell me to leave him, I started to take antidepressants as I couldn't cope. And I've put on weight. About 30 pounds. I just have stopped caring about myself.

When I found out yesterday, it was because I saw his phone history was deleted. I jokingly asked him if he's been watching porn. He was very honest and said yes, and said it was because I'm asleep everyday by 9.30. So he needs to apparently.

We didn't have counselling after his ONS. We just muddled our way through it.

I don't know what to do. The porn seems to be a replacement of us having sex.

What should i do?

Buzzardbird Mon 18-Feb-13 14:56:04

Why are you the one doing all the running and worrying?

I don't know how you could bear to be anywhere near him tbh. I could not tolerate the ONS let alone the porn. He has no respect for you or any woman really has he?

He sounds vile. Sorry. This is probably not what you want to hear but I think there are a billion other more deserving men that would cut off their right arm to be with you.

I wish you well thanks

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 18-Feb-13 15:03:18

Do you have anyone IRL that you can talk to? You sound very much as though you've been trying to deal with everything single-handed from taking care of the children to 'managing' this man who, frankly, is pissing on you and telling you it's raining. As a result of all this muddling through your self-esteem is on the floor, and you're so depressed and exhausted by the stress that you're even wondering if his warped view of the world - sleeping with other women or saying it's normal to perve over them on a smartphone - as reasonable. He's behaving appallingly and yet the only person suffering is you.

So who have you told about any of this besides MN?

Well, at least he was honest with you when confronted - take that as a plus.

My DH is only allowed to watch porn when I'm not around - the way I see it is, I should always be first choice and porn an alternative if I'm unavailable. It works for us, and for as long as our sex lives aren't suffering, I'm happy with it.

However as its when you are in the house and your sex life is lacking because of it, maybe you should tell him that it upsets you. Because from your point if view it must seem like he prefers that to you.

Be honest, and hopefully the two of you will reach a satisfactory conclusion. Good luck.

Buzzardbird Mon 18-Feb-13 15:13:49

He wasn't necessarily telling the truth though, he might have just been saying what would get him into least trouble.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 18-Feb-13 15:21:42

To me, it's the fact that he's telling the truth that is so bad. He feels perfectly happy saying 'yes I'm watching porn because you go to bed too early and I still need to get my rocks off.... and btw it's normal' because he knows there are no consequences to that. hmm It's a 'so what?' response.... no respect for the OP whatsoever.

badinage Mon 18-Feb-13 15:32:08

What should you do?

Stop thinking that all men watch porn for starters and start realising that you're entitled to a sex life, a relationship with a man who doesn't cheat, a man who pulls his weight so that you aren't exhausted every night and a man who doesn't substitute you with 'others' all the time. Oh and a man who doesn't 'row' with you every time you raise an issue.

Start seeing the truth about your situation and the wider world. There are men who don't use porn, who prefer sex with a real-life partner and who aren't unfaithful. In the meantime, being a single co-parent is better than life with a man who denies you a sex life.

Jamandcheese Mon 18-Feb-13 17:52:53

Thanks for your messages. I feel so confused and lost. I feel like we are lurching from one issue to another.

We have had a few years now of having major trust issues. There is no one in RL who knows the problems we have had. I am so embarrassed about them. So I can't tell anyone.

It makes me feel like less of a woman. It makes me feel Unattractive. Even when I'm tired I've never said no to having sex with him. So his excuse doesn't really wash with me. Maybe the weight gain has something to do with it.

I sometimes wish he would really realise what he has put me through. He says he does, but I don't know. Sometimes I wonder if I have done something to cause this?

Buzzardbird Mon 18-Feb-13 18:12:08

Jam why do you see it all as your fault? He is the one who has faulty morals. Your self-esteem must be at rock bottom.

He is a dick. End of.

Read what people are saying to you.

badinage Mon 18-Feb-13 18:34:49

I can understand you feeling lost, but there's really no confusion about this situation. There's just no positive spin on this or happy ending.

This is not your shame. It's his. Stop blaming yourself or thinking that you could have done anything to prevent this happening to you.

Once you get out of this relationship and can see the wood for the trees, I bet there'll be no need for anti-depressants or excess food intake which is another type of medication you've been using to stay in the relationship.

AnyFucker Mon 18-Feb-13 19:13:55

I hate this man

That is all

LostAndScared Mon 18-Feb-13 19:23:28

its horrible when you catch someone out watching porn, my other halp has been doing so behind my back and i came home from work a few days ago to find about 40 porn dvd,s and 5 porn magazines lying on the floor and when i confronted him all he said was so what all guys do it and what do you expect i am a man! i felt so crushed i have had no support from him since unfortunately miscarrying our baby 5 weeks ago, i was already feeling vulnerable but this is a kick in the facegrin(
xx

men watch porn . only men with problems, in my opinion, watch & need porn. I can't see your situation improving around this person.

NcNcNcNc Mon 18-Feb-13 19:31:33

Not all men watch porn, poppet. Don't let him normalise this to you or make it to be your fault.

Most men who aren't 'getting it' hmm that I know, would just understand that tiny baby/young dc/illness/tiredness/whatever = a period of no sex and that's that. Have a wank if they want fine, but no need to turn to ONS/porn. How is that ever going to help?

If you want to stay in the relationship perhaps try counselling?

I would also say try to exercise, perhaps lose the weight, NOT for him or any other man but because it might make you feel more you again and leave you stronger. Hopefully strong enough to kick this loser into touch smile

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 18-Feb-13 19:33:24

Inadequate losers watch porn IMO.

Actions speak louder than words and he is showing you that he does not care about what you have been put through as a result of his shitty cheating behaviour sad

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmmmmmmmm Mon 18-Feb-13 19:41:41

Used to be in the " porn ok, as long as no-one frightens the horses" camp. Now, not so much. The more I read, and speak to friends, the less inclined I am to engage with it.

But porn not the problem here. Attitude, and lack of respect ( monumental lack of respect BTW) Is.

DH should be frantically bolstering your self esteem at this point in your lives, not taking your legs out from under you.

Selfish.sad

NcNcNcNc Mon 18-Feb-13 19:42:01

LostandScared - jesus sad Im so sorry for your loss, and so sorry that your 'OH' is a tosser sad angry

LittleButton Mon 18-Feb-13 19:58:27

NcNcNcNc

thanks, i would like to say its getting easier but its not, i cant even believe his excuses, then he says people deal with things differently, wellsorry but as far as i am concerned he isn't bothered he just cares about himself
x

NcNcNcNc Mon 18-Feb-13 20:14:55

You should start a thread for advice, seriously there are loads of people out here that could advise or just hold your hand through all this x

AnyFucker Mon 18-Feb-13 20:16:48

I don't actually believe this man is "only" watching porn. I reckon he has admitted to the lowest common denominator of what OP will accept. And accept it she will, because of the way her self esteem and mental health has been sucked out by this emotional fucking vampire.

His horribly cruel and entitled attitude towards the woman he is supposed to love indicates something more to me.

OP, do yourself a great big favour. Start talking to people in RL about how awful your relationship actually is. Keeping his treatment of you secret is harming you very badly indeed.

NcNcNcNc Mon 18-Feb-13 20:19:09

AF - good point, if his history was deleted and you said 'have you been watching porn?' he probably jumped at that explanation with both hands... the other explanation could be that he hasn't changed his cheating ways and removed texts to hide that sad

Jamandcheese Mon 18-Feb-13 21:13:28

I sometimes wish I had someone to talk to in RL but I am so embarrassed.

Embarrassed by what he has done and the sympathy. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I hate that feeling. So I find it's I find it so much easier to put a smile on my face and pretend. To pretend that life is good. But inside I have honestly broken down.

The thing is, apart from this, he can be such a good man. He is a good father. And I just keep thinking, maybe life will get better

badinage Mon 18-Feb-13 21:22:22

Look what pretending has done to you. Do you like what you've become? Do you feel you show the 'real you' to the outside world?

Think about the life you'd prefer and the 'you' you'd prefer to be.

There are better men.

There's a better you.

AnyFucker Mon 18-Feb-13 21:24:07

How will it get better ?

If you keep covering up for him, and swallowing your unhappiness, it will get worse. Your health is going to suffer.

You have no reason to be embarassed. This is his shame, not yours. A man that treats his wife so badly is not a good father, this is always what women say when they can find no other empty platitude to describe a person such as this.

A good father should treat his children's mother well, and with respect. That is one of the first, and most important lessons for a child of either sex to learn.

Reach out to one person. It may not even have to be your best or oldest friend. Once you start opening up, you will learn that he is not quite fooling all of the people, all of the time. Believe me. These men give out signs to outsiders that can be difficult to see when you are living within a situation.

If you can't face someone you know, give Women's Aid a ring. They will not judge you and they will not try to force you down a path you are not ready to take. Have a read of their site...their is lots of information on there about emotional abuse that you will recognise in your horrible partner.

It's not ok for you to live like this.

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmmmmmmmm Mon 18-Feb-13 21:28:22

A good father should treat his children's mother well, and with respect.

THIS. X 1000000

AnyFucker Mon 18-Feb-13 21:29:32

It works the other way too, Hmmmmmmmmmm

but I am sure you understand that isn't what we are talking about here

badinage Mon 18-Feb-13 21:38:23

Yes that's the big fat lie that women use to stay in a relationship that will eventually damage their children isn't it?

"He's a good Dad"

Oh no, he's not.

Jamandcheese Tue 19-Feb-13 04:31:31

Thank you everyone for your advice. I need time to think. I will talk to him. Not just yet but in a few days when I have thought about what to say and say it without being an emotional fool.

I know I'm not the person I used to be. I'm just someone doing what I should be doing to keep everyone else happy.

I will look at women's aid. I just can't talk to anyone in RL. I always wonder if I'm not enough of a woman. Not interesting, pretty or just enough

CheerfulYank Tue 19-Feb-13 04:44:20

Oh honey. You are enough, just as you are. I don't have anything to say that hasn't been said, but <hugs>.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 19-Feb-13 07:30:59

" I always wonder if I'm not enough of a woman"

This is the net effect of staying with someone that treats you with total disrespect. If you see your role in life to keep other people happy to the detriment of yourself, if you never speak out and assert yourself, if you think you have to tolerate the rejection this man is subjecting you because you don't deserve better ... then you will sink further and further into a mire of misery and self-loathing.

Have you spoken to your GP? If you are depressed (and you sound that way to me) you could explain what's going on to them and ask to be referred for some counselling. You really need to tell someone real all of this... even if it is in confidence... because keeping this man's sordid secrets to yourself is slowly killing you.

Jamandcheese Tue 19-Feb-13 22:40:41

Thank you. I will talk to him soon. An then hopefully i get some answers. I'll let you all know what he says

Thank you everyone. I wish I was as clear headed as you all.

krimbles Tue 19-Feb-13 22:44:41

All men watch porn. This is a fact. The people who think they don't are simply being misled.

anonacfr Tue 19-Feb-13 22:58:31

I was wondering when we were going to get a post like that. How helpful.

CheerfulYank Tue 19-Feb-13 23:06:09

Bullshit.

krimbles Tue 19-Feb-13 23:17:25

It is very helpful. All this over analysing when she can just stop getting wound up with herself and thinking there is something wrong. Her man is doing what all men do. Fact.

AnyFucker Tue 19-Feb-13 23:18:11

Men can only wank with porn. Their bollocks will explode if their frigid, sex-hating partners don't smile sweetly and hand over the laptop, then make themselves scarce by doing something useful in the kitchen.

Or, summat like wot krimbles posted above.

CheerfulYank Tue 19-Feb-13 23:21:28

You can't just insert "fact" into something and make it true. Fact.

AnyFucker Tue 19-Feb-13 23:21:32

Or perhaps Op should dress and act like a "porn star" so he doesn't have to look elsewhere ? She isn't giving him enough blow jobs ? She should watch it with him, she might learn something ? Men need "release" or they get sexually aggressive and start attacking women in the street ?

Any other helpful shit you want to add, krim

krimbles Tue 19-Feb-13 23:23:28

I do not know why you are mocking me. It is a very simple answer to the question. Should she be worried about him watching porn? Does it mean she is less of a woman? Does it mean she cannot please him? No to all.

Over analyse all you like. All men watch porn. And that is all there is to it. This is no failure by the op. If she accepts this, her worry is over.

krimbles Tue 19-Feb-13 23:25:54

I think you are sick and a little uptight. Actually, let me remove the 'think' bit. You ARE. Fact.

If you don't like what I have to say, you do not have to respond to it. Move along.

LittleEdie Tue 19-Feb-13 23:26:33

I don't think porn is what is causing the problems in your marriage.

CheerfulYank Tue 19-Feb-13 23:26:53

All men do not do anything.

Besides eat, I suppose. And, you know, pee and poo.

CheerfulYank Tue 19-Feb-13 23:27:26

FACT! grin

AnyFucker Tue 19-Feb-13 23:34:58

Oh heck, I forgot "uptight"

Silly me.

< dabs bingo card >

krimbles Tue 19-Feb-13 23:39:47

Apology accepted. It was vile to imply that I am excusing sexual abuse. I am not saying men will resort to violence if they are stopped from watching porn by over zealous partners. They will just do it in private and where they will not be caught.

cronullansw Tue 19-Feb-13 23:41:24

Cogito said earlier, that OP should worry about anything taking place of their normal physical relationship.

Which is true...... two little ones, 30lbs extra, anti-d's, loss of confidence, loss of trust, checking phones history.

Surely all of these will be adding to the problem won't they? But instead of discussing these, it's 's OP hubby's porn use and lack of emotional support that is obviously the problem according to posters.

AnyFucker Tue 19-Feb-13 23:46:19

krim...your posts are full of sweeping myths about male sexuality

why should you be bothered if I add another one in ?

I would be ashamed to go on a thread where an OP is upset and post such male-appeasing stuff as you have. And you make a habit of it too. How vile.

krimbles Tue 19-Feb-13 23:51:40

It not male appeasing at all. It is reciting a fact that will make her feel a lot better about herself. Where have I written anything male appeasing?

Ironic that you worry about OP's upset, then derail her thread with petty arguments and rubbish people for offering support. Out of respect for OP I'll refrain from continuing the childish 'vile' accusations and leave you to your own devices.

OP. Please don't feel bad. Most, if not all men do it, and it is no reflection on you at all.

AnyFucker Tue 19-Feb-13 23:52:28

Back tracking accepted wink

AnyFucker Tue 19-Feb-13 23:56:52

krimbles Tue 19-Feb-13 22:44:41
All men watch porn. This is a fact. The people who think they don't are simply being misled.

This was your first post on this thread. No warmth, no understanding for the "upset OP" there, at all

Your benevolent and supportive intentions only appeared when you got pulled up. Your chin needs a good scratch, dude.

krimbles Wed 20-Feb-13 00:01:02

If you are concerned about OP's feelings, then stop ruining her thread with your petty argument because my opinion on the situation is different to yours. I offered advice to help OP. You just want to press your angry agenda. Get to Coventry and goodbye.

AnyFucker Wed 20-Feb-13 00:04:39

Bye then smile

A tip for you the next time you feel compelled to defend the use of porn unconditionally. Look for the underlying commentary. Most other posters have spotted it.

krimbles Wed 20-Feb-13 00:09:45

Where did I defend the use of porn?

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 20-Feb-13 06:47:04

"Surely all of these will be adding to the problem won't they? But instead of discussing these, it's 's OP hubby's porn use and lack of emotional support that is obviously the problem according to posters"

Because I know we can rely on misogynistic throwbacks like you to defend men who behave appallingly selfishly and put the blame squarely on a woman for doing what.... gaining a few lbs? hmm

ChairmanWow Wed 20-Feb-13 07:57:31

OP please ignore Krimble. He/she has hijacked your post to make spurious, non-factual claims about men and porn. Your self-esteem has been battered enough without having to hear this crap.

The fact is that your husband's porn use is hurting you and has decimated your sex life. Whether or not most or few other blokes use it is frankly immaterial. You've been put into a position by your partner's behaviour where you are taking anti-depressants and comfort eating. You know this is unhealthy and unsustainable. It's good that you're looking at seeking help through WA but it would be really great if you could bear to open up to a friend. Nobody is judging you, and neither would a good mate. There's nothing to be ashamed of, the bad behaviour lies with him.

I hope whatever happens you are able to rebuild your shattered self-esteem and see your true worth. Please ignore Krimble and focus on the helpful responses on here. thanks

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 20-Feb-13 08:12:30

*I think you are sick and a little uptight. Actually, let me remove the 'think' bit. You ARE. Fact.

If you don't like what I have to say, you do not have to respond to it. Move along.*

Don't know whether to laugh at this or not hmm

You are the sick one. FACT

You are the one who do not like what the majority of posters have to say. FACT

(didn't think it would take that long for the hairy handed to hijack this thread...)

Buzzardbird Wed 20-Feb-13 08:57:36

Could we just get back to the voice of reason and support the op please?
I stand by my first comment op, also my others and all the supportive posters on this thread.
Porn use instead of intimacy is not ok.
ons is not ok.
He told you what he could get away with as you didn't have evidence.
you deserve better, leave him to enjoy his world of bleached anus and go get yourself a better life.

krimbles Wed 20-Feb-13 13:16:18

All men watch porn. OP, you can see the value of those trying to convince you that there is something wrong with you by how quick they are to try to shout down and insult anyone who disagrees with you. Interesting that they claim to not be the woman-haters. You can just work on the parts of your relationship that do need attention without worrying about stuff that doesn't matter, and good luck to you, hon.

To the loudmouths, please explain where I have defended porn, why I am sick or why I am writing crap to batter OP's self-esteem. Answers on a postcard, please. Put up or shut up.

BelaLugosisShed Wed 20-Feb-13 13:43:11

Actually krimbles No, "all" men do not use porn, no more than "all" men like football or anything else that men are supposed to do. It's a very damaging myth and it's disappointing to see someone spouting such rubbish, if you'd spent much time on here you would know that it's simply not true.

I see cronullansw is being his normal helpful self too, how predictable hmm

PurityBrown Wed 20-Feb-13 13:52:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PurityBrown Wed 20-Feb-13 13:57:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lockets Wed 20-Feb-13 14:02:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maras2 Wed 20-Feb-13 14:05:36

I'm in Coventry AF.I'll put the kettle on.smile

morethanpotatoprints Wed 20-Feb-13 14:05:59

Taking the porn completely out of the equation here.

The fact they don't have a sex life, the fact that he had a ons is the main issue.
OP you need to talk to him and find out where you stand. He obviously loves you or he wouldn't be with you. Sometimes men are just happy drifting along and you need to give them a push into action. Tell him its bad enough anyway without him neglecting you for the porn.

BTW. Personally I don't think theres anything wrong with the use of porn in a sound rlatioship.

AnyFucker Wed 20-Feb-13 14:11:27

maras, I'll have 2 sugars please and a digestive bikky

it's a bit nippy here in Coventry

and all the men are shit in bed...I think they are all porn users

maras2 Wed 20-Feb-13 14:23:41

Arf AF.Seriously OP my DH.doesn't use porn nor do any of my many male friends.They have far too much respect for women.

Jamandcheese Wed 20-Feb-13 14:37:02

My worry is that we don't have sex. He would rather use porn. The porn feels like a replacement of me. He gets what he wants/needs from that.

Yes, I have put on weight and am a very jiggly version of me. But after his ONS which the details are awful, I need lots of reassurance. But I don't get that from him.

I worry about our relationship. Krimbles, it's not clear cut as we are in a happy relationship, great sex life And my husband occasionally uses porn

badinage Wed 20-Feb-13 14:58:40

Utimately you have to decide whether you are worth more than a relationship with no sex, fidelity or trust. I'm sure you are.

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 20-Feb-13 15:21:56

OP, I am not surprised you are not getting the reassurance you need from him. I don't think you are getting much love or respect from him either. sad

As for your weight, I bet he is not in perfect physical shape either hmm

If he was really sorry about the ONS and wanted to commit himself to the marriage, he would be doing everything he could - instead he is wanking off to porn and being a selfish twat.

ChairmanWow Wed 20-Feb-13 15:56:28

Krimbles, please, please fuck off. You are being breathtakingly insensitive. You might get a kick out of trolling but please show some consideration for the OP and take your bullshit elsewhere.

AnyFucker Wed 20-Feb-13 17:23:30

OP, there is nothing wrong with you, but there is something wrong with your partner

Your relationship is suffering because he has one night stand(s) and then rather than do everything in his power to convince you he is worth giving a second chance to, he makes you feel like shit by using porn instead of working on bolstering your flagging sex life

Your sex life is flagging because he uses porn instead of nurturing his wife

There is a connection between excessive porn use and infidelity. This man is a living example of that. Somewhere along the line (possibly after you agreed to overlook his ONS) he lost respect for you and now he doesn't give a shit how you feel

Long term, your future is not with this man. Best to cut loose before your self respect gets further decimated

Twattergy Wed 20-Feb-13 19:37:40

OP no one has asked you if you would like to be having more sex? Like you I get very tired and go to bed early most nights,I know this reduces opportunities for sex. Being tired means its hard to prioritise sex, it doesn't necessarily mean you don't want physical contact. I am not excusing your dh's ons or porn use.however if you would like to have more sex, for your self, then you need to find ways to make it happen despite your tiredness. It could be making sure that dh comes up with you for an 'early night'sometimes so that you make it clear you would like sex but not a late night. I'm not suggesting this as a way to pander to pressure from your husband but more as a way for you to get what you might need/want. If however you just don't want sex at all or very rarely at the moment then your husband needs to respect that and at the very least show understanding.

PurityBrown Wed 20-Feb-13 20:33:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Yep. The op writes, 'I have tried to bring it up with DH but it always turns into a row.'

Op, I would suggest bringing it up, gently, once again with your DH. Tell him how you feel. His response will tell you everything about what kind of man he is and how much he respects/cares about you and your happiness.

I dont doubt that you deserve much much better than him.

AnyFucker Wed 20-Feb-13 20:47:22

I don't recommend you keep flogging a dead horse, OP

I recommend you throw this loser back into the tank where he can swarm with his own kind

And you find yourself a real man

Jamandcheese Thu 21-Feb-13 04:24:01

So I spoke to him today. God, what an awkward conversation.

The upside is that he said he would not use porn and try to work harder on the relationship.

But he thought his use of porn was a personal private thing and that I shouldn't have been snooping. I told him that i wasn't. I had asked him before I used his phone.

In the point of us no longer having sex, he said I was always too tired and did I want him to wake me up at 11pm? And that after his ONS he doesn't know where he stands with me. I do sometimes feel resentful to him, I do. But it's a consequence of his ONS.

He said he can't help the way that I feel about myself. Of course he isn't happy to hear that I'm unhappy. But I need to change that. Only then our relationship would get better.

I don't know. Maybe I am being unreasonable.

So you need to change. You need to get over his ons. You need to stop being tired. You need to stop snooping. He, on the other hand, is just fine and dandy although he might deign to 'try to work harder'.

You are not being unreasonable. He is. This is not the attitude of a man who loves, respects and cares for his wife's well being.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 21-Feb-13 07:29:37

Blimey - so he will "try" harder?

So you have to do the work to get over the ONS? Pretend it never happened? Sweep things under the carpet? Work on yourself instead of HIM working on his own issues and character failings?

HE is the one who needs to be investing in the relationship and coming up with ways of making you feel loved and desired - instead he is having his own sex life away from you and saying its you who is the one in the wrong.

No wonder you don't want sex with him.

AnyFucker Thu 21-Feb-13 07:40:09

He's got a very inflated sense of his own importance, hasn't he ?

You need to get over his ONS, and stop being so miserable and down on yourself

Ok

That'll work then. Or did I miss the bit about where he is making an effort to help you with those things ? What does "try harder" mean ? I would be looking for very much more concrete things...words are cheap. Especially the vague "try harder" crap which doesn't allow you to focus on anything objective or remotely measurable. Unless you can count any more cups of tea he might make you.

ChairmanWow Thu 21-Feb-13 10:09:04

Please don't keep blaming yourself. Loom at what he said to you - he is still being selfish! Re the sex thing, you can only have sex at 11pm? What? Sounds like he's transferring all the blame on to you for wanting to go to bed at a different time to him.

Also look at what he has said about how you are feeling...

He said he can't help the way that I feel about myself. Of course he isn't happy to hear that I'm unhappy. But I need to change that. Only then our relationship would get better.

You feel how you do at least in part because of his behaviour. By putting pressure on you to change and saying the relationship won't improve until you do he is absolving himself of any responsibilities.

I don't want to say anything about leaving him on the basis of a thread, but would you think about going to Relate to try and get him to try and participate in the relationship. Or if he won't what about you having some therapy and/or assertiveness training to try and improve your self-esteem?

Sorry to be negative about your OH but it's impossible to see him in a good light.

HappyGoLuckyGirl Fri 22-Feb-13 17:47:31

Okay, I've just read the entire thread.

I'm not going to comment on the porn use as I don't think it's relevant and it's more of a side issue.

The main problem here is that your partner had a ONS which left you feeling crappy and smashed your self-esteem to bits. You said yourself that you just 'muddled' through the aftermath, which probably means you had blazing rows, made up eventually and forgave him. I don't think you ever dealt with the issue properly which has led both of you to where you are now.

You resent him because he had sex with another woman. You probably don't know why he did that and if he is going to do it again. It's probably sent you into paranoid city about what he's doing, who he's with and if you can ever be secure in your relationship again.

You've said you don't reject sex but he is probably actutely aware that he royally screwed up and doesn't know how to act around you. I'm not saying that he's being fair or reasonable in what he's doing, just that he's probably feeling quite uncertain too.

My advice would be to really sit and talk about the ONS. Why he did that, his reasons, etc. (Men in happy, fulfilling relationships generally don't go shagging around). You need to be completely honest with each other and really try and work out the roots of the problems your having.

A man who really cares for you and about the relationship will want to work on your issues to try to fix them. He won't yell at you or make you feel bad for bringing it up as he will understand that it needs sorting out.

If he says no or yells at you then kick him to the curb (easier said than done, I know). You are feeling unhappy and unfulfilled in your relationship, attempt to fix it and if that doesn't work then there is nothing left to do other than leave.

Everyone deserves to be happy.

badinage Fri 22-Feb-13 17:59:57

Selfish entitled men in happy and fulfilling relationships most certainly do go 'shagging around' and I think saying otherwise is just victim-blaming, because there's an implication that if the OP had made this bloke 'happy and fulfilled' he wouldn't have had a ONS or preferred porn to sex with her. The OP on the other hand is far from 'happy and fulfilled' but she isn't touting for one-night stands, having an affair despite the lack of sex, or getting her rocks off each night to porn. That's because she's a different person, has different values and knows that behaving like that would be cruel and hurtful to a partner.

You are not being unreasonable OP.

Jamandcheese Sat 02-Mar-13 20:38:10

So, I spoke to DH. I told him how my depression has effected me. How I feel like I don't care about myself, the comfort eating and just having lost any motivation. It was my way of reaching out.

His response was, this is something we should be concerned about. I thought finally,he gets it, he will help me. The concern was that I wasn't doing the jobs that I should be doing, that I've said I've done and I haven't. That he can't trust me to do things.

He talked for 20 minutes about this. Not once, did he show concern for me. Give me reassurance or support. When I got angry, he said that I should have understood that he was concerned as well. Yeah I really got that

ThePinkOcelot Sat 02-Mar-13 21:29:37

He turned it around to the jobs that you haven't been doing?! He's not prepared to take any responsibility at all is he?! Not sure what to suggest now tbh. You are banging your head against a brick wall! (((()))) xx

badinage Sun 03-Mar-13 12:02:55

This couldn't have turned out any other way could it?

Stop flogging a dead horse. This bloke is never going to get it AT ALL.

You will always be unhappy and depressed while you're with him. And you don't have to be.

Sounds like he is taking you for a mug OP, I'm sorry sad

The only way he is going to get his act together is for you to leave. Lay it on the line and simply tell him that you've had enough, he isn't making you happy and you would rather seek your happiness elsewhere. Whether or not it's true is something else - he just needs a kick up the arse!

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