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XH living in a shit hole, feel awful, dont know what to do

(94 Posts)
fuckinghellwhathaveidone Sun 17-Feb-13 22:51:30

STBXH moved out 6 months ago. Lives in a bedsit and wont have kids over night as it isnt suitable.

He is really really poorly. Ive been trying to persuade him to come and stay, so we can feed him/look after him and beacuse he has no heating. he refuses

So I went round with dd1 today to check on him. i cant stop crying. He lives in a SHIT HOLE. I mean REALLY REALLY REALLY hideous. His room is ok, but damp. But the communal areas/bathroom/kitchen are condemable. The toilet leaks and the house stinks of piss. The bathroom is black with mould.

I feel so so so guilty

TheSecondComing Sun 17-Feb-13 22:52:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker Sun 17-Feb-13 22:54:00

why did your relationship end ?

There must have been good reasons for that

he is an adult...don't feel guilty about him

teaandbourbons Sun 17-Feb-13 22:54:01

Why did you split up? Does he work/pay maintenance?

fuckinghellwhathaveidone Sun 17-Feb-13 22:56:09

i couldnt cope with his drinking, mostly. I think he was emotionally abusive...more emotionally completely neglegent. But I wasnt very nice either. Probably just compketely incompatible. We should never have got married and had kids.

he moved to UK, to be with me. Which is probably why I feel so guilty

I just want him to be OK

cheesesarnie Sun 17-Feb-13 22:56:21

why is he living there?

why should you feel so guilty?

fuckinghellwhathaveidone Sun 17-Feb-13 22:57:29

He works but is on a low wage. I agreed to him not paying maintenance for 2 years, as I had no money to give him and I stayed in the family home and we have/had a joint mortgage

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sun 17-Feb-13 22:58:20

Only he can ensure that he is ok though. By dealing with his drinking and earning enough money to not have to live in a shithole.

If I was feeling really uncharitable, then I would offer the suggestion that he is hoping you will feel guilty, being all noble and self-denying about coming to stay. Just upping the stakes on the emotional abuse.

fuckinghellwhathaveidone Sun 17-Feb-13 22:58:36

I almost want him to come back. I really cant cope with the thought of him living there. I dont think he would come back anyway

I cant have him back

Flojobunny Sun 17-Feb-13 22:58:37

He's an adult. He has choices. If he wants to stay there and be martyr that's his choice. What kind of illness?

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sun 17-Feb-13 22:59:19

So if he pays no maintenance then where is his wage going?

fuckinghellwhathaveidone Sun 17-Feb-13 22:59:57

i dont know what to do

i dont think he is trying to guilt me...he didnt expect me to go round...he has never told me the address and the kids have only been a couple of times. He was suprised dd remembered how to find it

Snazzynewyear Sun 17-Feb-13 23:00:24

Could he look for something else but not your place? Is he in housing association type accommodation or private landlord?

If he's that ill, should he be in hospital?

GeekLove Sun 17-Feb-13 23:01:41

It could be that the self-neglect is the sympathy card. He is an adult and so shoud take care of himself. Be glad you are not having to take care of him as well as yourself.
By the way my two arsehead exs are both single and living i various shitholes. I count myself glad that they are not a part of my life now

fuckinghellwhathaveidone Sun 17-Feb-13 23:02:33

he has a ling infection flojo. But he only has 3/4 of a functioning lung. The other 1 1/4 is scar tissue; which is prone to bleeding. So besides having the normal infection...he is in danger of bleeding out and of not getting enough oxygen. Im scared he will die. there is no other residents in the house atm. no one to check on him. although he seemed better than he sounded on the phone. He was out of bed

amillionyears Sun 17-Feb-13 23:04:27

You shouldnt feel guilty.
But I would hope that people would have compassion for him.

Is he still drinking?

fuckinghellwhathaveidone Sun 17-Feb-13 23:04:30

snazzy I think he should be in hospital yes

I dont know where his wage is going...its really low. he is supposedly saving a deposit to be able to rent some where suitable for the kids. But tbh, I dont think his wages would cover rent and bills for anywhere.

Oh gawd, what a hideous mess

fuckinghellwhathaveidone Sun 17-Feb-13 23:05:26

he cant drink at the moment

ImperialBlether Sun 17-Feb-13 23:05:40

I think people are being a bit harsh here. People who live in conditions like this aren't martyrs; they are completely broke.

Could you ask him if he wants to come back for a set period of time, eg three months, while he gets better? The condition of course would have to be that he doesn't drink.

MechanicalTheatre Sun 17-Feb-13 23:05:56

I don't think it's a good idea to take him back. I do think it's normal to feel bad for him, after all, you must have cared about him at one point.

He was emotionally neglegent towards you...do you think he would help you out in the same circumstances?

amillionyears Sun 17-Feb-13 23:06:38

Do you think he is getting all the benefits he is entitled to?

amillionyears Sun 17-Feb-13 23:07:37

Agree with ImperialBlether.

I would see if he could come back, get better and save towards a deposit. It sounds awful. Is there much equity in the house?

cestlavielife Sun 17-Feb-13 23:08:48

You are not responsible for him

Don't confuse the dc by having him back if there were good reasons for splitting.

If he is ill he should go to hospital and get help. Let him go back t his home country for a while to get well and be with his family

chocolatespiders Sun 17-Feb-13 23:09:44

Would you let him come back and use this time to save for somewhere better.
My ex is struggling to find somewhere suitable to live.

Flojobunny Sun 17-Feb-13 23:11:04

I didn't mean he was a martyr for being broke. I meant a martyr for choosing to stay in poor conditions that doesn't provide for his DCs instead of taking OP up on her kind offer and staying with her and seeing his DCs.
Even on minimum wage if he's full time with no kids to pay for surely he can do better than that? Be a lodger or something instead of grubby bedsit.

fuckinghellwhathaveidone Sun 17-Feb-13 23:11:04

will he be entitled to benefits?

he is coming round for dinner tomorrow. I think I will ask him to move back. For a set period of time is a good idea. I really cant trust him not to drink though, that is the problem. I finally chucked him out after dd1 found him past out in a pool of vomit on the stairs one monday morning

LeChatRouge Sun 17-Feb-13 23:11:14

Firstly, he is an adult, you are not responsible for him.

But, secondly, you are a compassionate human who doesn't want to think of someone suffering.

Would he be receptive to you helping? I don't think you should have him back, unless you have a suitable spare room and the children fully understand this is because he is sick. How about you get him some medical help and then look for alternative accommodation for him?

fuckinghellwhathaveidone Sun 17-Feb-13 23:12:18

oh cestlavie you are right...it would really confuse the kids

Flojobunny Sun 17-Feb-13 23:12:46

Ok OP if he's that bad with the drink then I wouldn't move him back in. He's a grown man. Your responsibilities are to DC not him and finding him in a pool of vomit is completely unacceptable.

bestsonever Sun 17-Feb-13 23:15:11

Maybe this could help him in the long run as having support from other people withdrawn may help him to face up to the effects of his drinking. Being supportive could enable him to carry on. Some need to reach rock-bottom before they will stop, if they do at all. If he prefers to spend his money on alcohol rather than on decent housing so his kids can see him, you have little choice but to let him. Your focus should stay on yours and your DC's life, otherwise he will drag you down with him. Be wary about what help you offer.

Clearlymisunderstood Sun 17-Feb-13 23:15:22

Moving him back in would not be a good idea in my opinion, it's confusing for the children and blues the lines of your relationship with him. You could help him find somewhere better, you could help clean the property where he is ( if no other residents it will stay clean if he keeps on top of it)

Snazzynewyear Sun 17-Feb-13 23:15:30

I think you need to get him to a doctor - or if needsbe hospital - and take it down that route where he goes into hospital or a suitable place to care for him medically. You could explain to the doctor just how bad his living conditions are and get them on side. The plus of being in hospital is that that would also (hopefully) keep him away from drink.

Maybe ask him to stay over for a few nights from dinner, as a start, while a doctor's appointment or visit to A&E / walk in centre can be sorted?

I would suggest taking him to a walk in centre as it will sound less big a deal but if they are really worried about his condition they can arrange a referral to hospital.

TheOwlService Sun 17-Feb-13 23:17:05

How awful for you and for your children.

I agree its probably not a good idea at all to have him back TBH I would avoid this at all costs.

That doesnt mean you cant try and help him though, only you know if you want to. I think if it was me because we had children together I would try.

What you actually do to help him though is a tough one. Could your GP help?

cestlavielife Sun 17-Feb-13 23:17:42

And call environmental health tomorrow the council can do something bout private landlords if they running shitholes and charging people.

You could help him more by finding him a better place to stay if you really want to help him. Keep remembering your dd finding him in a pile of vomit. You just can't risk that happening again can you ?

But then why should you it his choice where he lives.

Don't have him back to put dd thru that again it would be cruel to dd.

He is an adult. However his lungs are. Up to him to seek help. Take him to hospital or gp if you like leave it to them

mathanxiety Sun 17-Feb-13 23:22:43

FH, do not adopt the role of mother for this man. You are not responsible for him or the choice he made of living quarters.

There are people who do helplessness very well. They create chaos and misery when they are living with their families and when they move out they live in similar squalor because that is their own self image. That is where they are comfortable.

And part of it is making themselves so incredibly helpless that someone with caretaker syndrome can't help herself and rushes in to the rescue. He is probably working on some unsuspecting kind female soul with a home of her own even now.

As the sober parent of truly helpless children you need to put them first and do not invite chaos and misery back into their lives. If rescuing people is your comfort zone you need to work on that. It is a disease. It is feeding your own ego at the expense of your unfortunate children.

'I finally chucked him out after dd1 found him past out in a pool of vomit on the stairs one monday morning'
shock shock angry
Don't put your poor children in the position where they might come upon another sight like this. It is abusive.

fuckinghellwhathaveidone Sun 17-Feb-13 23:24:17

he has been to the dr...he has antibiotics. He is under consultant care for his chest. I think the GP cant have read back through his records properly. I cant march him back in and demand prroper care can i. I cant micro-manage his life on that level.

His house is way way way beyond cleaning. It is beyond painting...it needs gutting/replastering etc etc.

if i call envrironmental health, I think they would board the property up

How do you get housing association accomodation?

mantlepiece Sun 17-Feb-13 23:26:35

so sorry you find yourself in this situation. I think like other posters it is not your responsibility to care for another adult, especially as you have young children to support.

However, you obviously feel sorry to see someone in dire straights. If you do not feel he is being manipulative and not helping himself you would only be human to step in and help him.

Taking him back into your home is not the only option, could you help him go back to his family? They may be able to help with the finance of the move.

If he is alcoholic of course you need to step back, he would need to address that for himself.

Flisspaps Sun 17-Feb-13 23:29:49

I would not take him back into your house.

He does not need to live like that. Can he not lodge somewhere, or rent a room in a shared house rather than live in a mould riddled house? Your DC might not be able to stay but at least you'd know he was somewhere warm, safe and dry.

I'd direct him to your nearest Housing Association office in the morning.

He is an adult. You split up for a reason. Don't risk exposing your children to that again.

Snazzynewyear Sun 17-Feb-13 23:30:31

Well maybe not, but I was thinking it might be worth doing things that get him medical help but keep him out of your house because then at least you would have done something but without the confusion and risk of having him back at your place. But this is a very difficult one to deal with. I would say again get him to go to a walk in centre. Maybe talk to him about that when he comes round.

MechanicalTheatre Sun 17-Feb-13 23:30:49

mathanxiety is right. You are not responsible for this man.

Can't he go back to his home country for a few months til he is a bit better? And save up?

OP, I have had a really chaotic life at times, and I promise you that if you take him in, you will not be helping him. He needs to learn to stand on his own two feet. Of course you can be compassionate, but at a safe distance. Give him the number for shelter, they will help him.

cestlavielife Sun 17-Feb-13 23:32:08

If the council condemn the house and the residents become homeless the council will help them. So start down that route.

Why are you inviting him for dinner ?

When my ex was bad (mh) I called his cousin, and his friends let them step in, I went to go and gave them information so they could decide what to do,

That is what you should do step back and let someone else step in,

He can't be trusted not to drink.

Put your dc first.

cestlavielife Sun 17-Feb-13 23:36:02

Gp not go. Give information to gp if you think it might help but is up to them t act on it or not

izzyizin Sun 17-Feb-13 23:38:18

As he's got a longstanding lung condition and now has a chest/lung infection, he should be assessed by a hospital A&E or thoracic department.

Can you persuade him to go to his nearest A&E or walk-in clinic? If he's admitted to hospital, have a word with the doctors and the social work department and explain his present living conditions as it could be that his lung condition is a disability which is sufficient for him to be classed as a 'vulnerable adult' and which will statutorily require his local authority to house/accomodate him.

fuckinghellwhathaveidone Sun 17-Feb-13 23:43:28

he has no one here. he cant get medical treatment in his home country, he cant return home to recover, his family cant help him

I hear what you are all saying about him not coming back here. It was so hard to split up in the first place anyway. It would be stupid and not fair on the kids

I cant believe that this is happening. Its too horrible

I need to think on all your suggestions...and work out what to do to help. I will talk to him tomorrow. I dont even know if he will let me help. I talk to hm about Environmental Health...and how that might invoke Council/HA help

cestlavielife Sun 17-Feb-13 23:51:20

If he refuses help there is nothing you can do.
Is up to him. Does he have no friends ?

AlfalfaMum Mon 18-Feb-13 00:34:13

Awful situation. I really don't see what you can do, though sad
Has he lived there the past six months? He should not be in a damp room with a lung condition.
How old are your dc?

fuckinghellwhathaveidone Mon 18-Feb-13 00:40:16

Ive just emailed Shelter for advice

I think Math is correct...this squalor is kind of part of his self image. Hes had a shitty life, and I dont think he expects better for himself. I also recognise that I cant and shouldnt try to be 'his saviour'...that is something i had to battle with in order to finally split up with him. And it was only the impact I knew his chaotic behaviour would have on the kids, that gave me the strength to go through with it

But I am finding this completely heart breaking. despite everything, I do love him and I cant bear to think of him like that

Dottiespots Mon 18-Feb-13 00:48:39

Do what you feel is right and what you will be happy with. Think ahead and plan it properly though. You did say that you were possibly as bad as each other and you said that he was emotionally negligent not abusive so hes maybe not a bad guy just incompatible. Just do what feels right cause you have to live with yourself and be happy with your decision.

fuckinghellwhathaveidone Mon 18-Feb-13 01:01:19

I keep having really dark thoughts. I don't think I am ok. I feel really panicky

Dottiespots Mon 18-Feb-13 01:19:16

Honestly know......did you ever need to call the police when he lived with you?

Dottiespots Mon 18-Feb-13 01:19:36

now

mathanxiety Mon 18-Feb-13 01:19:38

You are a good woman FH.

Sometimes there is a big difference between the course of action that is right and the one that feels right (for 'feels right' you can read 'familiar' or 'rewarding' etc).

It is often harder to do the thing that really is right. Would it help if you were to try to see it from the pov of your DD coming upon her father lying in his own vomit and your responsibility to her?

You can't change his script. What you offered him in the past, what your children offered him in the past, wasn't enough to change it. He will have to get to his own personal rock bottom before he can start to change. Nothing you say or do will save him. It has to come from inside him.

It is heartbreaking but you need to be strong for the sake of your children and love the right way.

fuckinghellwhathaveidone Mon 18-Feb-13 01:28:20

I did call the police a few times when he lived here, but not because he was violent. Because he went missing...twice. just drunk. We used to fight.

I just feel so ashamed that it went so horribly wrong. I can barely look at my children

mathanxiety Mon 18-Feb-13 01:29:37

What makes you feel so ashamed?

fuckinghellwhathaveidone Mon 18-Feb-13 01:34:36

I feel ashamed of the way I behaved. I don't think I treated him well. I don't think I accepted him for who he is. I think I made him feel bad/worse about himself. I used to get do frustrated and angry

I am ashamed that I didn't recognise it was never going to work. I shouldn't have had children with him. They deserve better than this

badinage Mon 18-Feb-13 01:40:22

I hear what everyone's saying about him being an adult who makes his own choices, but this is a sick adult who is the father of your children and seeing as they've seen him in a bad way today in terrible living conditions, any help you can give him will be as much for their sake so that their father stays on this planet, as much as for his sake. I think if I came across anyone living in these conditions with those health problems, I'd do anything I could to better their lot if they'd let me, especially if that person was living in a foreign country.

Offer help and point out that as he's not from the UK and doesn't know the system as well as you, it makes sense for you to make some calls and try to get him better housing and care. I'd think your kids will need a lot of reassurance and some explanations that you're helping their dad out but that you're not reconciling. You're just being the good samaritan to a fellow human being in a time of crisis. This will teach them compassion and boundaries.

fuckinghellwhathaveidone Mon 18-Feb-13 01:46:02

And I regret not doing something differently...I don't know what, but something to make it ok

mathanxiety Mon 18-Feb-13 01:48:13

The best way to move forward from your feelings of shame is to now draw a line under what went before, to give yourself a break, forgive yourself, try your utmost to disengage.

You can't make the past right by ruining the children's future or sacrificing your own life to someone whose primary relationship is with alcohol, not with you and not with your children. All you can do is focus on what you can control and that is you. The only lives you can hope to improve are those of the children's. You and the children have a real relationship. Take that day by day.

When it comes to his alcoholism, you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

You need to take the relationship with the alcoholic day by day too. Don't dwell in the past. Focus only on what you can control and that is you. You can't change what happened yesterday. You can't control what happens tomorrow.

Guilt is not a position of strength and will not benefit the alcoholic.

Have you ever been in touch with Al ANon for families?

Dottiespots Mon 18-Feb-13 01:50:08

Is he an alcoholic?

mathanxiety Mon 18-Feb-13 01:51:38

I don't think I treated him well. I don't think I accepted him for who he is. I think I made him feel bad/worse about himself. I used to get do frustrated and angry

You need to let him be himself now.
Try to get to the bottom of your frustration and anger and guilt. Try to end the cycle.

fuckinghellwhathaveidone Mon 18-Feb-13 01:54:49

I went to al anon for a short while before we seperated. I found it really really helpful. Very painful.

I think I would benefit a lot by going to some meetings again. I just don't have ant child free time to go.

That's another thing that I feel guilty about. I should have recognised the alcoholism much earlier than I did.

fuckinghellwhathaveidone Mon 18-Feb-13 01:56:22

I just want to go to sleep. I don't feel like I can^ let go. It feels too big and too bad

fuckinghellwhathaveidone Mon 18-Feb-13 01:59:26

If he had married someone else, he wouldn't be living in that shit hole now

badinage Mon 18-Feb-13 02:01:38

This misplaced guilt isn't going to help anyone is it? Let that go and try to think with a clearer head what you intend to do, if anything.

mathanxiety Mon 18-Feb-13 02:09:19

He would 100% be living in that shithole.

You didn't cause this and you can't cure it.

cronullansw Mon 18-Feb-13 02:19:40

As the ever caring and charitable have said - fuck him,

eg; ''he is an adult...don't feel guilty about him''

Don't worry about him being ill and needing human compassion to help him get well. Don't worry about his mental state.... don't offer him any help. After all, he's only the one you loved, the father of your children.

Just think - if it were you in this desperate position, would you want some help? Of course you would, so do the humane, charitable thing and help him.

And to all those here saying, 'tough / his problem', maybe some similar misfortune might come to you one day: soon, hopefully.

mathanxiety Mon 18-Feb-13 02:24:33

There is help and there is sacrifice and then there is risking damage to your children.

Help by pointing him in the right direction or reporting the squat where he is living so that he will have to be helped by the LA ultimately. But you can't help him by moving him back in. That would be the opposite of help, and worse, it would damage the children.

fuckinghellwhathaveidone Mon 18-Feb-13 06:43:39

Thank you for talking to me last night

How are you feeling this morning OP?

Hopefully Shelter will be able to give you some information. If he's on minimum wage, is he entitled to housing benefit etc? If all that's holding him back from renting somewhere clean is a deposit, is there anything you can do to help with that?

BranchingOut Mon 18-Feb-13 06:53:21

Sorry, but I don't think it is fair to point him in the direction of a shared-house if he has drinking problems. Why should other people have to live with that either?

fuckinghellwhathaveidone Mon 18-Feb-13 06:58:23

I feel like shit josie

fuckinghellwhathaveidone Mon 18-Feb-13 06:59:53

No, I can't help him financially. I struggle to pay mortgage and bills nd have 2 kids to take care of

OK - I'm not suggesting you ought to necessarily, just that if you could it might be a way through.

Do you think if he wasn't drinking he'd be in a better flat or is this purely because of his job?

diddl Mon 18-Feb-13 07:14:31

I get why you feel bad-but your daughter found him in a pile of vomit?

Does he have no self respect at all?

I agree with environmental health as a start.

Or phone his GP for suggestions re housing help?

fuckinghellwhathaveidone Mon 18-Feb-13 07:20:53

I don't think he is in the house he is because he is drinking all his money. His wage is low, but he could find somewhere better. He landlord is a 'friend'.....I think when he moved our he was emotional and scared and just went there because it was easy. I don't know why he has stayed there. He is very chaotic. I don't understand slit of his decisions/choices

He is not a in the gutter drunk....he works full time and studies a lot. I think he probably feels over qhelmed at the prospect of funding somewhere else and moving

What mathanxiety wrote earlier.

Do not have him back in your house under any circumstances; doing that would only enable him and enabling only gives you a false sense of control. That would be totally unfair on the children and sends them confused messages.

You are still seemingly codependent which is an unhealthy way to behave when it comes to relationships and I would read Codependent No More written by Melodie Beattie. You need to detach and get off this merry go around that is alcoholism.

You need to remember as well that alcoholism is a family disease, you still seem caught up in his problems. Your children are also affected, seeing their dad in a pool of vomit is a sight no child should ever see in their home.

Would also suggest that if you cannot return to the Al-anon meetings, you at least read their literature.

Unfortunately living with an alcoholic does bring this sort of chaos in its wake, am not at all surprised to see that he has ended up in substandard accommodation.

You cannot act as a rescuer or saviour in a relationship; neither approach works. You wrote earlier that his family could not help him. You are no different in that you cannot help him either; he has to want to help his own self. Its his choice, not yours to make and he was never your project to rescue and or save. You cannot rescue someone who does not want to be helped, he does not want your help besides which you are too close to the situation to be of any real use anyway.

You can only help your own self.

The 3cs re alcoholism too are ones you would do well to remember:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

He is allowing himself to be exploited now by a supposed friend but he took this accommodation of his own free will.

If you really want to help him you will let him live his life as he chooses and not try and help him. You cannot let yourself and by turn your children be dragged down with him into his pit.

fuckinghellwhathaveidone Mon 18-Feb-13 07:28:49

Thank you atila

That is what I need to hear. It's so hard.

Lizzabadger Mon 18-Feb-13 07:33:33

Don't have him back. You will get sucked in again and be back to square one.

If you really feel you must help him then help him find somewhere more suitable to live.

FH,

You're very welcome.

You are a good person and you've managed to get away from this man after a long struggle with both his behaviours and your own feelings.

Work on yourself now (hence the suggestions of both Al-anon and the book); make a good life for you and your children without his day to day prescence in it. They will thank you for doing that and you will thank your own self one day for doing that as well.

Do not intervene in any area of his life; this includes looking for alternative accommodation for him.

Doing that for him only enables him and only shields him from the consequences of his own actions. He accepted this accommodation of his own free will; he did not have to accept what was on offer. Enabling him helps no-one and enabling only gives you a false sense of control.

amillionyears Mon 18-Feb-13 07:48:44

He is not drinking at the moment is he?

Another thing that is being assumed here is that he is on minimum wage.
Apparently he is on a low wage. It is quite possible that he is being exploited, and is on lower than the minimum wage.

He seems to allow himself to be exploited[not by you op].
He almost definitely has low self esteem.
And because he is from another country, he may not understand certain systems.

Yes yes to giving him some practical help.
But try not to feel guilty. Especially at night when everyones' thoughts can go a bit unrealistic.

cestlavielife Mon 18-Feb-13 17:02:59

ah - "he could find somewhere better. "
"he works he studies"

so not such a poor fella in need of your help then?
ie he could get help elsewhere - his work, his studies, other "friends"

focus on moving forward with your DC without someone who is hapy for his dd to find him covered in vomit.

help him from a distance. if you must. let him drag himself back up.

you have enough on your plate helping dd to get past this. working paying mortgage day to day stuff. let him fnd the help he needs, because he is not your child.

yes it sounds cruel but your priority has to be dc and therefore you so you can take care of them - because he cannot; eg does not seek a better place to stay so he can see them etc. he chooses this.

LIZS Mon 18-Feb-13 17:11:49

Is he usually a "victim"? Did he rely on you to cover up his drinking and pick up the pieces each time things went wrong ? If he studies is it via a college ? - if so he should have access to all sorts of support should he choose to follow it up. Sounds as if he may have the means to make an improvement but for whatever reason can't/won't. You are not responsible for his life, please put your own and your dc 's needs first.

Seriouslysleepdeprived Mon 18-Feb-13 20:51:50

Hope you are ok OP. i just wanted to say well done for making the move to separate & remove him from your children's day to day lives. Lots of people never manage it. It must be so hard but you have done the right thing. Please stick with it.

I grew up with an alcoholic and it is damaging in so many ways. I have lots of emotional a scars from the experience, the need to rescue people being one. This has lead to many an abusive relationship for me. I wish had a mum that put me first. You have done the right thing. Your children are lucky to have you. smile

I suspect even with a better income he would still live in a shit hole. If his first priority isn't you or the kids or his health, it is not going to be living in a nice environment. His first priority is alcohol and that's what he will spend his money on. Not nice surroundings. People also tend not to care about their health when they are pissed out their faces.

Secondly even if he did have a nice place, I doubt it would stay that way for long. I'm wondering who cleared the vomit up that he passed out in...

Be kind to yourself & stay strong. Remember you are helping him more by doing this than by enabling his drinking.

fuckinghellwhathaveidone Mon 18-Feb-13 21:13:26

thank you for those words seriously...its what i need to keep hearing. Because I know it really. But now he isnt in my face day after day, it becomes easy to forget how bad it was, and the reason he really really had to go. He was hospitalised through drinking, he lost his driving licence, he lost a job...with a home attached to it. Its stupid how easy all that stuff is to be forgotten. And yes I cleared up his messes, and made excuses for him and minimised. And i cant be a good mum with him here, because I get so preoccupied with trying to keep everything 'ok'

after he left, I spent months just feeling relief. I have noticed lately that I have started to feel sad about the marriage ending. I think my normal grieving process was delayed by the relief of not having to deal with him....And I think he shock of his horrific house, un-corked all that last night. Ive been really teary all day, but I am studying so Ive been busy and with people all day. Which is a good way to cope, for me.

He came round for tea. I did talk to him about his house and found him some places on the internet that he could look at. he seems interested in having somewhere nicer but he said it is about the money. Its not that he couldnt afford the nicer places, but it wouldnt leave him with much at all after bills. Whereas his place now is very very cheap, leaving him more of a disposable income. Id rather have a decent home and less money, but that is his priority. Ive offered to help him look if he decides that is what he wants. Ive also talked to him about getting environmental health inspectors round to force the landlord to improve the house. The EH inspector i spoke to wasnt very helpful though...she said they dont close properties down, they contact the landlord. I asked what happens if the landlords dont do the necesaary works and she said 'they just do' hmm

million he is paid above minimum wage. But yes he is a bit of a victim. His life has been pretty awful and im not sure i wouldnt feel quite victimised. I feel very very sorry for him. But it is not something I can deal with. I used to worry so much about my future/the kids future when we were together. At least now I can predict and plan, and there wont be any more 'disasters'.

Thanks so so much for talking me through this. I was besides myself yesterday. I still feel wobbly. But much more normal smile

badinage Mon 18-Feb-13 22:16:56

I think you've done all you can for someone who is living in a foreign country and isn't familiar with the system, but have stepped back from feeling you owe him a relationship (beyond the co-parent one) or that you can solve his addiction.

I think it must be so hard for you bearing in mind his welfare matters so very much to the children. I understand why that has made you so torn, beyond the normal sorrow at seeing anyone who's ill who's got themselves into this state. It's all about boundaries isn't it? Good luck. You are obviously a compassionate, kind woman.

amillionyears Mon 18-Feb-13 22:18:12

smile
Look after yourself and the kids. Glad you tried to help him with things. I hope he makes the right choices for himself.

Snorbs Mon 18-Feb-13 22:35:29

That's another thing that I feel guilty about. I should have recognised the alcoholism much earlier than I did.

No. He should have recognised his alcoholism much earlier than he has.

His alcoholism is not your problem to fix. Not least because you can't fix it. Even if you were a trained alcohol abuse specialist you still wouldn't be able to fix his alcoholism until and unless he decides he wants help.

He lost his driving license, he lost his job, he lost his family a home, and he eventually lost his wife and kids. All through drink. No-one held him down and poured the booze down his throat. He chose to. These are the inevitable consequences of his choices.

This is what happens when you choose to piss your life away. Little by little, bit by bit, you lose things. You lose jobs and people and relationships.

One day the amount that he his drinking has lost may make him wake up and realise that, no matter what, he cannot face losing any more and he'll make positive steps to address his drinking.

At the same time if he wants to do something about where he lives then he can. He's choosing not to. The more you try to deal with his life for him the more you will be sucked back into worrying about him all the time.

A useful reminder is to think "Is this something that he could, and should, be dealing with by himself?" Talking to environmental health is just such a thing. Finding somewhere else to live is another. Fighting his case with the GP is a third. He's a grown-up. He might want you to act like his mother but for you to take on that role would be doing him, and you, a disservice.

His life will carry on being a slow-motion car-crash whether you spectate or not. You've got enough on your plate as it is. Leave him to it.

amillionyears Mon 18-Feb-13 22:57:01

Except he is in a foreign country, and English may not be his first language.

mathanxiety Tue 19-Feb-13 05:30:40

How about printing out your own last post a few times and sticking it up in strategic points around your house?

The middle paragraph you could read as 'I wouldn't have enough to buy booze with if I paid more for rent'.

You could also read - 'I am perfectly happy wallowing in my own crapulence thank you, and I also enjoy the attention the chaos that I have chosen gets me from you.'

He wouldn't be doing this if there wasn't a reward for him somewhere. His reward for living in a dump is more drinking money and your attention.

Seriouslysleepdeprived Wed 20-Feb-13 19:50:18

How are things OP? Hope you are feeling emotionally back on track smile

Milly22 Wed 20-Feb-13 21:56:11

From a friend's experience, you do not want your children brought up with an alcoholic, sorry but this is bad news. He needs to sort himself out and get help and only he can do that if he loves his family more than the bottle.

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