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H has decided to divorce as does not love me

(91 Posts)
Moanranger Sun 17-Feb-13 20:40:23

25 year marriage & kids now leaving home. H has always been a tricky customer, no DV or infidelity but hard to please, furtive, introvert. I feel I have tied myself up in knots trying to make him happy, but we are now at end of line. Just told 19 year old son, who offered me a hug & I blurted out "I just want to be with someone who treats me nicely" Says it all really. If no man will, then at least I'll have my friends & not have to be around such a downer. Pointless post, really. Hug from DS nice, though.

frustratedworkingmum Sun 17-Feb-13 20:42:52

A new start for you - bittersweet but exciting, in a way. You'll be ok <<hugs>>

MrsBradleyJames Sun 17-Feb-13 20:45:04

Even though it's clearly been a hard marriage I am sure it still feels scary and a huge step. But you can go forward into the next chapter of your life with your head hekd high. You have provided your childen with a stable home, and now it is your time, and there are so many opportunities out there for a busy and fulfilling life x

MrsBradleyJames Sun 17-Feb-13 20:45:54

Held high not hekd. Cant type on tablet!

Not a pointless post, it's a big thing and you need to talk about your feelings x
Glad your son was supportive and made you feel a little bit better. How many children do you have?
Agree with a PP, think of it is as exciting, a new start. Have you ever found yourself missing out on things because you were trying to please him? Focus on yourself now...put yourself first x

Here's a hug from me too (probably not as nice as your sons!) xx

Moanranger Sun 17-Feb-13 20:51:04

Thanks so much. What I needed to hear. Prided myself on keeping marriage going when so many divorce. Would have been our silver this year. Oh, well. But so nice not to have to bend over backwards for an ingrate. I have an active & fulfilling life. Just breathe....

Moanranger Sun 17-Feb-13 20:52:27

Have DD 21, DS is 19.

Joy5 Sun 17-Feb-13 21:19:20

Hi was in the same boat 18 months ago, husband announced the end of our marriage out of the blue. Struggled big time in t, he months before he finally left, and the following year, but now i'm coming out the other side. Can't say life is better, its just different and not the path i'd have chosen, but i have a fantastic relationship with my sons, spent Christmas and our first birthday yesterday without the ex (divorce absolute came in the post on Friday so hes officially an ex), his choice not to play a part, and we did it, and had a fantastc time.
It might be hard to start with, but you'll get there, and if i can do it, anyone can!

Moanranger Sun 17-Feb-13 22:10:03

Just thinking about things I won't miss re H - grumpy/ paranoic stuff: e.g. In bank, had to wait longer than he liked, got shouty/rude with staff - comes home explaining all this & I am supposed to sympathise?! Well, if anything, I would sympathise with bank staff. Drinks too much, has v poor liver enzyme levels & is complete denial. Man has and never had any small talk : when we eat out, sit there in silence trying to prise any conversation out of him. We go to movies, & he almost never likes/ has anything good to say about any of them. I could go on - will keep thinking & report back.
Easter kids with me & if he asks to join in - NO WAY!

tribpot Sun 17-Feb-13 22:45:03

To be honest - this sounds brutal but if he's drinking himself into decline you're better off leaving him before he needs looking after. Don't wait for the next trap of obligation for people who are too nice to put their own needs first!

AnyFucker Sun 17-Feb-13 22:49:27

This might seem kinda strange, but i would like to congratulate you

Very soon, when you get your new lease of life, you will thank him for this

Imagine...as you head towards your Empty Nest what should have been an opportunity for both of you to connect more, you would have been left alone with a boring, miserable and increasingly physically-needy man who has never respected you

Send him a thank you card, and get on with the rest of your life. I reckon some exciting times are just around the corner for you. For him ? Not so much...

Moanranger Sun 17-Feb-13 23:17:41

Yeah, the whole drinking thing is likely to blow up sooner than later. His liver enzymes are off the chart, but because his liver doesn't scan as enlarged, he thinks he is fine and dandy. We shall see.
Also, another thing I won't miss is his involvement in my business. The business is successful, due to me, but he has screwed up the taxes big time & is totally unsupportive of my ( v successful) business strategy.

tribpot Sun 17-Feb-13 23:26:38

Sounds like you needed to tell him to bog off - out of your business affairs at least - quite some time ago. No time like the present! This does not sound like a 25th anniversary worth hanging around for.

AnyFucker Sun 17-Feb-13 23:27:16

Just tell him to fuck right off

he brings nothing to your life

and, in fact, detracts from it

Dottiespots Sun 17-Feb-13 23:32:57

Hi Moanranger, you seem to be taking this rather well....? To be honest he doesnt seem like a man worth trying to keep or win back does he. Sometimes it is just a mid life crises (alot of the time thats what it is) but if it is....would you seriously ,after all you have said, want him back . The other ladies are correct you can have a much better happier life without him.

catsrus Mon 18-Feb-13 07:25:58

moanranger well done and here's to the rest of your life :-) last year I was sipping wine in a lovely museum cafe (ex hated museums) flicking through its magazine - having a lovely day - when I realised it would have been my 25th wedding anniversary. I had been separated just over a year at that point and divorced for 8 months. I had forgotten smile but decided that I would go to a museum every year on that day and do the things he hated.

Our divorce was not particularly acrimonious - but I am so much happier on my own! Be warned though - it can be very hard on older children, it challenges their view of the world and they worry that any happy memories are all false. I have worked hard to tell mine that it was not all a lie and events of the last few years don't wipe out the truth that we were very happy once.

catsrus Mon 18-Feb-13 07:31:52

Oh - and the 'I don't love you but there's no-one else' script is common - if he's used it then it will probably be a lie, be prepared for someone to emerge from the wings - and be grateful that she came along. Get good legal advice on splitting assets, he may want a share of your business as a marital asset.

ledkr Mon 18-Feb-13 07:35:07

Op it was the best thing that ever happened to me when my 18 yr marriage ended.
Granted it was hard at first but I have done more and been happier in the last 10 yrs than I ever did with old selfish arse.
Make some lovely plans and don't rush to meet someone just enjoy being yourself and not having to try and please anyone else but your self.
You will have a ball.

ledkr Mon 18-Feb-13 07:38:21

Hrs also looking as if he will eventually get ill from drink. The symptoms of that won't be pleasant to deal with.
If he has a new woman then good luck to her with the washing hmm

Goodness it sounds as if he's done you a favour.

What have you always wanted to do but didn't because it would have annoyed him? Go right ahead & do it!

GinAndT0nic Mon 18-Feb-13 07:46:11

I agree. from now on no more trying hopelessly to please him. congratulations are on order.
it is lovely just suiting yourself. once the adjustment and the change is behind u , you will be better off.

fieldfare Mon 18-Feb-13 07:51:26

It really sounds as if you're going to be so much better off! Focus on your business (get legal advice, he may want a share of this in the divorce financials), your children and yourself.

LemonDrizzled Mon 18-Feb-13 08:06:28

moanranger your STBX sounds as miserable as mine. I left him 29 months ago and life is good! The DC were hurt, angry and upset, but their lives are moving onward and upward with university and friends and they are just pleased to have two happy parents apart. The atmosphere had become toxic before I left. He found someone new within three months...

See this as a chance to make over your life. What ambitions has family life held you back from? Where would you like to travel to? What sports do you enjoy? Have you old friends to chase up?

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 18-Feb-13 08:16:11

"Prided myself on keeping marriage going when so many divorce. "

Sadly, a lot of women make the mistake of thinking that there's some kind of award available for staying married against all odds. Divorce is so often a liberation, not a sign of failure. Transfer 25 years of wasted energy and emotion into making a better life where you take #1 priority for a change and you will thoroughly enjoy it. Good luck

Moanranger Mon 18-Feb-13 09:22:36

CES - good point, I am much more hung up on that than actually losing him. I actually started doing what I wanted a few months ago, which he of course doesn't like but it feels so good! I wouldn't give that up for the world. What I seriously won't miss are his rants and dumping all his disgruntlement with the world on me.
Little internal words I had for him IYKWIM - "old miseryguts" and "piss and moan..."
I like the idea of celebrating anniversaries by doing something he really hated.

diddl Mon 18-Feb-13 09:28:01

Well tbh, doesn´t sound like any loss...

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 18-Feb-13 10:05:29

Having wasted only 6 years married to a 'miseryguts' ... who was also aided and abetted by alcohol funnily enough ... I was initially very upset when everything ended but, in the 18 years that have gone by since, I can only look back and wonder why a) I ever thought it was OK for someone to behave that way and b) why I stuck it out so long.

BTW.... others have said it but don't be surprised if there's someone else behind his decision to quit. My exH once told me that the girlfriend 'doesn't mind how much I drink... she's not as big a killjoy as you'. <snort> Wonder if he's dead yet? smile

G1nAndT0nic Mon 18-Feb-13 11:29:50

Yes, these glass-half-full types who sap the joy out of everything, they turn around and blame you for their not being happy. I used to be happy until I heard his key in the door fgs.

Moanranger Mon 18-Feb-13 11:31:21

Appointment made with solicitor for tomorrow morning. Opening a bank account this afternoon.

G1nAndT0nic Mon 18-Feb-13 11:32:26

Yes Cog, I wondered that too. I think the answer was partly a desire to be conservative and to conform. I hadn't the confidence back then to be the one single salmon swimming upstream while everybody else was getting engaged/married having children. And 2) I knew I had settled out of a desire to appear to be happy, so when I wasn't actually happy I blamed myself for not having prioritised being happy over appearing to be happy. I have my priorities totally re-ordered now.

G1nAndT0nic Mon 18-Feb-13 11:34:45

Moanranger, good for you. So happy for you. You can have toast with hummous and prosecco for supper if you bloody well want to. Total control of the tv. YES (in my case) some financial obstacles and concerns, but I have valued and enjoyed having 100% control over less than half as much money. Having control over less than half as much has given me so much freedon. I splurge where I want to splurge and I penny pinch where I want to penny pinch. Before, all choices about what to splurge on and what to PP on were dictated by him.

G1nAndT0nic Mon 18-Feb-13 11:35:35

Although, you haven't mentioned that he's a tightwad! Why am I assuming that!?

go and buy yourself one of those mini bottles of champagne and drink it in front of him. Smile at him really calmly like your worries are finally alleviated!

Moanranger Mon 18-Feb-13 11:46:48

He isn't a tightwad but very peculiar about money. He is obsessed with paying no more than basic rate tax for example, which I find odd ( and also got us into big trouble with HMRC which we are only now concluding.)
Not sure drinking in front of him quite the thing to do. At the moment I am saying as little as possible to him as one of my "roles" was to be a sounding board to his rants. Someone else can do that now - who, I do not care!

G1nAndT0nic Mon 18-Feb-13 12:03:20

You must be exhausted after supporting him and his dissatisfaction all these years.

Has he noticed that you're not exactly devastated? or, not as upset as he thinks you ought to be.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 18-Feb-13 12:09:16

"He is obsessed with paying no more than basic rate tax for example"

You described someone originally who was very abrasive/aggressive, seemed to have a fairly inflated view of his own importance and believes the world is against him. (All big red flags btw) That often goes hand in hand with thinking that taxes are just something other (little) people pay... <Totally wild shot in the dark alert>.... He wouldn't be from a privileged background would he? Public school, family money, that kind of thing?

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 18-Feb-13 12:12:09

You might find some of the content of this article has more than a few klaxons going off.

Moanranger Mon 18-Feb-13 12:24:39

CES actually he does not come from a privileged background, family was rather left wing. There is a fundamental anti-authoritarian thing he has, and he has done some weird stuff in companies when he didn't get on (nearly always the case) with his boss.
In terms of agressive, I would call him passive agressive. He would appear very reserved/self-possessed, and not assertive. I am assertive, in that when customer service is not what I like, I will politely and smilingly ask for what I want. He would simmer and then explode.
I will look at article.
He wants what he wants. I waited ten years to get freedom to do what I want and move to a place I found more agreeable - and he knew this was my intention, and I accomodated his desires all that time - as soon as I did so, he is off. No compromise on his part.

AnyFucker Mon 18-Feb-13 12:25:24

that is a good article

Moanranger Mon 18-Feb-13 12:31:47

CES Now read article - he would score on, resentment, superiority, pettiness and BIG TIME on deceit. This is the furtiveness I mentioned in my first post. I did not realise how central this was to his behaviour until we had been married quite awhile. It was a core area where our values differed. I am a huge believer in doing the right thing and being honest, and that is a foreign country to him. But he is the one who will suffer the most, not me, I will now be free!

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 18-Feb-13 12:31:50

@AF... I like the article because it's not talking about 'abuse' per se (very emotive) but the little warning signs and idiosyncracies of someone who, even when seemingly on best behaviour in the initial phases of a relationship, can give themselves away as being a potential problem in the future.

@Moanranger... When it comes to being anti-authoritarian IME I've found very left-wing and very right-wing types have very similar attitudes. In their world rules (like taxes) are something that only applies to others.

Stormfromeast Mon 18-Feb-13 17:59:13

Moanranger, I am not making excuses for your DH, but reads like he's got Aspergers. Is he?

Kione Mon 18-Feb-13 18:32:13

not much I can add, but congratulations on having such a nice son!

Moanranger Mon 18-Feb-13 18:50:39

Yes, thanks, re son. He is kind.
storminteresting that you picked up AS like behaviour. I don't think he has it, as it would excuse what I think is bad behaviour. One oddity about him is he cannot for the life of him describe people. Really struggles with that.
Tonight he tried to make conversation with me - I am one of the few people he talks to, sort of his sounding board to the world. I was civil but not encouraging.
Factoid: his sister said he spoke not a word til 3 and only to her! My DS spoke early.

Stormfromeast Mon 18-Feb-13 19:16:37

Moan, has he done a test for a AS diagnosis. Even if he has, you shouldn't have to put up with the bad behaviour. But it might help him come to terms and who knows, he might do something about it. My husband of 25 years has AS traits but only just done a test and confirmed. He's not as difficult as what you described yours. Strangely, he spoke his first word around 3 years old - and it was Brontosauras!

Dottiespots Mon 18-Feb-13 19:29:57

So how do you honestly feel about the possibility of him having an other woman and having maybe been cheating though.

Moanranger Mon 18-Feb-13 20:47:52

angel yes, that has occurred to me, but frankly now, I don't care. He is not really the cheating type, but who knows. Read my title: once he said this, then I thought all bets are off. He really reneged on a long term promise, as it would have changed the dynamic from me compromising to him having to, and he wouldn't.
I see the lawyer tomorrow, and the key issue for me will be to get him out of the business with the least cost to me. I am sure he has not thought thru the implications of this. I imagine he thought he could just continue being involved in it post-divorce. No way - this gives me a chance to get him out.
I now have a separate bank account.

fiventhree Mon 18-Feb-13 21:02:46

Hmmm...... Left wing men.

(Puts cream on past scars)

But seriously , what an uplifting thread. I so hope for the best of everything for you.

AnyFucker Mon 18-Feb-13 21:06:45

Moan, you sound switched on

Good luck with it all x

Moanranger Mon 18-Feb-13 21:44:25

Thank you, all. This thread has been a big help & I don't feel alone in this. I just went in his room to get a pen - stank of wine.

Dottiespots Mon 18-Feb-13 22:54:00

Good luck . Come back if you need to chat.

Moanranger Tue 19-Feb-13 12:38:27

Have just seen lawyer - 1 time meeting = £300. Full divorce package =£10k+ - yikes!! Big problem is valuing company we own.
It was interesting explaining our marriage to a lawyer and brings home all of the work I put in and how little he contributed. Rather sad - I think I tended to block that out.
I am going to have to speak to him tonight, not looking forward to it. I did not know grounds for divorce were so limited - I thought there was some sort of irreconcilable differences category, but will possibly have to go for unreasonable behaviour. Unless he has been unfaithful and wants to admit to it. Awkward conversation tonight. He has access to bank accounts and I will need to make it clear that he is not to touch any money without my permission.
I was very tearful and upset Sunday night, but not last night - just gloomy and down.

HorseDNAinJellyAndIcecream Tue 19-Feb-13 13:42:57

Can you move some in to your own bank account?

Another one who has read your thread and felt a "hooray" was necessary grin
Oh how much better your life will be without the joy-leech around.
Normally threads like this are sad hmm
This one is happy and positive, like you smile

tribpot Tue 19-Feb-13 15:03:33

Given your H is the one who decided to do you a favour and divorce, I would address your findings to him that way, i.e. 'so I went to consult with a solicitor to find out what my divorce options are, have you decided what grounds you'll be using to petition?' etc.

I think the cross-fingers-and-hope attitude to your bank accounts is a bit optimistic, esp as the hostilities are about to commence. Are these business bank accounts? Can you remove him from them?

Jux Tue 19-Feb-13 17:59:57

Hooray that you can now look forward to a happier life!

I second what tribpot said about protecting your bank accounts. Can you quickly get the bank to change things so that two signatures are required, one of them being yours, or something? Or putting a cap on withdrawals and transfers?

oldqueencrepey Tue 19-Feb-13 18:22:05

You need to protect your finances. What did solicitor think abou that aspect? ie freeze / reorder any joint accounts / caution on any jointly owned property etc..

If he's in dodgy health make sure you resolve things asap and make sure you finalise finances (ancillary relief) order before decree absolute. Divorce means you need to remake any wills and if you are divorced you wont be a widow for pension purposes if he drinks himself to death in the meantime.

Good luck. You sound as though you'll be fine. Agree re him doing you a favour.

HorseDNAinJellyAndIcecream Tue 19-Feb-13 18:25:06

For all his talk, you've been to a solicitor first! does the person who gets to the solicitor first be the one to say his/her behaviour was unreasonable? it seems mad that there isn't an irreconcilable differences choice.. because the last thing any divorcing couple needs is grounds for more blame/resentment, ie,who is the unreasonable one! confused really shocked there's not an irreconcilable differences. there must be in america though!

Moanranger Tue 19-Feb-13 18:47:51

tribot thanks for that - useful as I have yet to discuss with him. The solicitor did query was he likely to run off with money? I said I thought not, but will have to keep an eye on that. When I do discuss with him, I will say if it going to be an issue, I will contact bank re caps, signatures, etc so he doesn't get any ideas. We also have a book keeper who would spot anything re company accounts. If I thought he was likely to leave country, etc, I would be more concerned, but not his style.
Feeling quite anxious re getting him out of company - don't think I will be able to agree that without a solicitor fighting my corner. It will costsad
But at least now I know my options.
horse yes, the options for divorce seem quite limited & old fashioned - nothing to allow partners to say we have hit the end of the road - someone has to be the bad guy.
I am not too hung up on being the one to file. He seemed to make an issue of that, but at this point, best to get on with it.
On business front I now have an IT service company tee'd up ( he did that) and my bookkeeper to take over his finance duties.
Thank youall for saying I sound positive, I don't feel it, but I am happiest & less anxious when I am doing something to move things forward.
On good bit of news, offer on house I spotted has been accepted, so a home that I can call my own is soon in my future.

HorseDNAinJellyAndIcecream Tue 19-Feb-13 18:49:33

You will love it. Not listening for the sound of his key in the door! you can eat what you want, when you want, go out without a sulk, or an explanation. Decor to your taste and yours alone!

HorseDNAinJellyAndIcecream Tue 19-Feb-13 18:50:51

Trilbot, good points yes, because it's worthwhile not waving a red flag in front of a bull. picking the battles and all that. That is what I wwas trying to express!!

Hi there. I just came across this thread, and I say hurray for you! This will be very uplifting times for you.

Re divorce. My friends solicitor had told him that it was best to just cite unreasonable behaviour and explain they had just grown apart after meeting and marrying very young, and that this in itself was unreasonable enough. Not sure it is good advice, but that was accepted in court, and he did not offend his ex wife in the process. But I am sure your solicitor can advice you.

Moanranger Tue 19-Feb-13 20:36:18

Pure Thanks for that, v useful, struggling mentally regarding unreasonable, didn't think "sour old git" would quite hit the mark with the courts.
Had The Talk tonight. Went ok, but he super-rational/cold about it all. I will defo need lawyer. He ok about providing paperwork.
He a bit "what's the rush" re filing, but I could just imagine trying to deal with him whilst he taking up Internet dating, etc. He accepts I want to replace him at work. Just breathe... Tomorrow I won't have to be in same house with him for 5 days-yessss....

MadBusLady Tue 19-Feb-13 20:56:01

Moanranger - I've only just come across this too. I'm sure it's all a lot more difficult in real life than you're making it look here, but wow, if this is how productive and assured you can be in three days after something so huge happening, imagine how much you're going to get done over the next 5/10 years without that deadweight dragging you down!

I have a feeling your next five days are going to see your spirits rise like a rocket, despite the legals.

(Also, sorry to be nitty-gritty, but if you suspect there has been infidelity while you've still been having sex please get checked out for STIs.)

HorseDNAinJellyAndIcecream Tue 19-Feb-13 21:08:57

He's probably surprised that you are taking it so well. I wonder if he's second guessing himself now because you're not wailing and begging him to change his mind.

Moanranger Tue 19-Feb-13 22:24:27

At the mo, do not feel as tho I am taking it at all well, TBH - stomache-churning anxiety, tho I do sleep, eventually. Thinking of all I need to do not to get screwed financially. I would not beg, he says he doesn't love me, so nothing to beg about. He has thrown wobblies in past & stormed out, tho usually returned with tail between legs professing undying love. This time is different & final.
Intellectually, I know I will be fine. I am someone who is happy doing things on my own - went to a film by myself this afternoon, although if you met me you would think I am an extrovert. Actually need time alone on a regular basis to re-charge. See what tomorrow brings, will get info together & instruct solicitor.

HorseDNAinJellyAndIcecream Tue 19-Feb-13 22:28:02

Change is very scary. But soon the changes coming will be what you'll be used to iyswim. I love going to the cinema on my own. When my x has the kids I sometimes go to the cinema. It feels like a treat.

catsrus Wed 20-Feb-13 00:38:09

OK - grounds for divorce. It doesn't matter who says what. Our solicitors (we went the collaborative route) said that in any marriage there are probably grounds for unreasonable behaviour somewhere. I told my exH that as he wanted the divorce it was only right that he found the grounds. He divorced me for unreasonable behaviour - I don't know what he said, I never read it, left that to my solicitor. Even now I have a copy on file but have not been tempted to read it - what does it matter? he wanted out and on reflection I wanted it too. It meant it cost him more in solicitors fees as he had to do all the negotiation with his - mine just did paperwork.

I was daft when it came to finances, too trusting - which is one way the collaborative route failed for me - and I got shafted on some assets. At the time I didn't care and wanted to be free as quickly as possible with minimum fall out. I had significant friendships with his family that I didn't want to lose - in retrospect it was probably the right route for me to take but the fact he walked away with more still grates.

Don't get hung up on grounds, try to see it as a means to an end. No-one sees what anyone says apart from the judge - all our friends, and his family, thought it was bizarre that he was divorcing me. Anyone who knew us was very aware of who was the unreasonable one. Being able to detach from the actual process of who divorces who will save you a lot of emotional energy I think.

My ex told me in Oct, we started the divorce process in Nov, he left in December, we had the decree absolute in April, he moved in with OW in March I think and was married to her in Sept.

Of course when he told me it was because he had fallen out of love and there was no-one else LOL. I told his best mate who it was the day after he said that smile

Moanranger Wed 20-Feb-13 01:42:31

catsrusthanks so much for telling me how it went for you. I have to say I am working myself up to a pretty lengthy narrative on unreasonableness. He loves to cast himself as the victim, but he is a pretty obvious dick, so people will understand what really went on.
Interesting about the collaborative route, not what I am choosing, mainly because I know in his fantasy world he was critical too my business. It will be easy to prove otherwise, and also divorcing will add costs for me in running my business. The backstop is that you can apply to the judge for a winding down order if he refuse to settle - in which case he would get nothing. I can feel myself working into a "don't get mad get even" mood, so I'll stop & go to bed.

Moanranger Wed 20-Feb-13 07:18:45

PILLOCK! I woke up this morning - am in DD's room to find a typed out agreement for splitting the flat, based on LAST YEAR'S valuation! How stupid does he think I am? I had already mentally prepared to get 3 estate agents to value it.
He also included a handwritten card with some "sorry it didn't work out, hope we can eventually be friends" rubbish on it. Ripped it up & tossed pieces on his bed.

tribpot Wed 20-Feb-13 07:23:52

Hopefully this will give you a good sense of his likely reasonableness about your financial split. It sounds like he wants to do it the laziest quickest way possible, although would you not both be disadvantaged by using last year's valuation? Or is there an advantage to him accepting an undervalued asset when negotiating his exit from your business?

Either way - focus on separating your business affairs before things get difficult.

Moanranger Wed 20-Feb-13 16:46:18

Tribot No, if we use last year's valuation I would receive £75k less! Your right re lazy! I have arranged 2 valuations next week & waiting for one more to confirm.
Basically he lives in a fantasy world, where he imagines that he is this chilled out, reasonable guy, not the shouty grump he actually is. Cannot believe he thought I would fall for that. I am totally civil & matter of fact with him ( gnaw on the woodwork in private) oh, and on here, of course!
Am worried about son - home alone this eve while H on wine tasting course - just the thing for someone with a failing liver!!

Moanranger Thu 21-Feb-13 13:44:16

update all pieces now in place for the moment. Flat valuations booked, and amazingly got ahold of my accountant on first ring - this never happens, so it must be karmic. Turns out he divorced in recent past so very up on what needs doing.he is one of the many professionals I rely on who H tried to alienate, so things should be better.
Have also started telling people in RL, which helps, getting a lot of support.
My mood changes from weepy to gloomy, but this is something I will just have to get through and come out the other side happier.
Reading up on asset splits, etc. Marilyn Stowe's blog v helpful. I have a better understanding, though the courts decide casa by case, apparently. Feel a bit better.

Jux Thu 21-Feb-13 23:28:03

Well done moanranger, you are being really strong. You are looking at a much happier, freer life, but it's small steps and slow at the moment. Keep going because it is going to be more than worth it.

Moanranger Thu 21-Feb-13 23:34:44

Email from H tonight, who now appears to accept that flat needs valuation. He will probably " lawyer-up" too - doesn't want to but splitting a business is complicated & no way would I do that without professional advice.
For example, accountant emailed me tonight re business " goodwill" & said that could be personal to me & not a shared asset. Who knew this stuff.
Still mightily upset at H who has thrown massive atom bomb into family. I hope it turns out better in long run, but doesn't seem like that now.

Jux Fri 22-Feb-13 00:57:22

It will, really it will.

tribpot Sat 23-Feb-13 09:10:10

From your opening post: I feel I have tied myself up in knots trying to make him happy - do you really think this is how family life is meant to be? Of course there is teamwork, compromise, and looking out for one another. But this has been completely one-sided for years and years. He's cost you money in unpaid tax and you've put up with it for the sake of family/marriage. You've also put up with his alcohol problem.

The options you had before he decided to end it basically consisted of:
- ending it yourself
- more of the above, on a downward spiral. More financial mismanagement. More walking on eggshells. More alcohol abuse. With the strong likelihood of prolonged illness to follow.

You know this isn't the kind of marriage you would want for your dc. Or for yourself, to be honest!

The goodwill in the business is quite a good metaphor, actually! Yes, I would imagine it is all on your side - you are the face and driving force of the business. You could replace his financial incompetence input fairly easily.

Xales Sat 23-Feb-13 10:07:50

A week ago you didn't think you H was going to dump a divorce bomb.

Do not trust him re money. Make sure it is safe asap.

Good luck.

Anniegetyourgun Sat 23-Feb-13 10:44:43

Re unreasonable behaviour, in an amicable divorce you could actually agree the grounds between you, decide who wants to say the other one is being unreasonable, and split the costs in a way that works for you. My solicitor offered this to XH in the opening-shot letter, as a way of saving face and keeping costs down. After all it doesn't matter whether anyone else would objectively see a thing as unreasonable. It is sufficient that you no longer wish to be married to a person who does it. (I know a woman whose petition included the grounds that her husband was too tidy.) Him stating that he no longer loves you, for example, is something you could both agree on. Either of you could cite that the other one does not respect their business decisions - without actually making the bald statement that one of you is wrong. And three or four more of that ilk. Best leave the drinking out of it, unless you don't mind him saying that you nag him about how much he drinks. (Very unreasonable indeed, if I may say so. You should let the bugger pickle his liver in peace. Funerals are cheaper than divorces. But I suppose you have to consider the children's feelings.)

Since you ask, XH did not accept the amicable route. I think he was hoping I'd have to give up the silly divorce project if I ran out of money, so he fought it hard. The tactic failed. My solicitor was cheaper than his (and a lot more effective).

Moanranger Sat 23-Feb-13 17:24:13

tribot He is a bit obsessed about who files, but it doesn't bother me. If I file, he can play victim, which he enjoys doing. Last night thru this morning I was very tearful, but talking to RL people today has helped a lot, and yes, defo do not want marriage that I had. This is also a HUGE opportunity to get an incompetent out of my business.
xales I take your point re money - hence hot-foot to solicitor & arranging flat valuations. He won't do anything too stupid as HMRC have him under a microscope anyway.
annie Thanks for your story. I expect this to cost, but having a good lawyer on my side will bring piece of mind. Worth it. I have drafted an " unreasonable" narrative. I will wait to see if this is done jointly. I would not go collaborative, and expect business valuation will be sticking point; the rest of the split should be arithmetic.
I have been giving some thought to what I will do when it is all over. I quite fancy a top - notch face lift! Just to feel good about myself. Little interest in another man - older ones are grumpy, or a few years off needing a nurse maid. Quite like the idea of making some good male friends, tho.

Moanranger Tue 26-Feb-13 22:56:16

A new low tonight. V bad argument over money. H is so angry, almost delusional. It is really hard to live with. I must be strong & recognise that the outcome will be an improvement over status quo.
I try to be reasonable, he responds by being bullying. Very erratic behaviour re money on his part, but then he accuses me of stuff, but you cannot argue with an irrational person.
Today he was at work & very shouty over telephone. Embarrassing. I am trying to manage this, and getting him to hand over company responsibilities, which he is doing, but there is so much anger. Help!

Didnt want to read and run, Moan. Stay strong. And get him out of the company - if not your flat. Do you want to keep it/can you buy him out?
Can you pay him in lieu of notice at work?

Jux Wed 27-Feb-13 00:04:19

If he is being bullying and threatening or intimidating perhaps your solicitor can help you get him out sooner rather than later? Also, definitely pay him in lieu of notice at work. Heaven knows what effect he could have if he hangs about being shouty and angry.

Moanranger Wed 27-Feb-13 00:17:16

Ugh! Somewhat better as I took charge, confronted him. We had cards on table discussion, and I "managed" his anger. He is very unaware of it, and I constantly had to call him on it. I still felt we left matters pretty heated& brusque, veiled threats, etc.
Then I though, I really don't want a " burn the house down" divorce, so I approached him & said "What would really make you happy?" Which got a more reflective response out of him. Discussion ensued & when he started to recriminate, I called him on it. Basically tried to focus on - let's go forward & recognise & respect that we both want to be happy.
I pointed out to him that his early effort to buy me out of the flat made it seem to me that he was trying to get rid of me.He was not aware of that. We shall see how it goes; I feel somewhat better.
On a happier note, kids are taking me out for b-day on Friday, which is nice. Phoned my daughter in midst of tonight's tumult. I really hate being the moany, weepy old mum, but she was fine. I think parent role is to put a brave face on things, so deviating from that is tough.

Moanranger Tue 05-Mar-13 18:49:22

It has been 6 days since I posted. Great B-day with friends and family on Friday. But H causes me serious stress. I got house valued by 3 estate agents, but then he says values should be less as houses never sell for their asking prices. I am afraid lawyer will have to set him straight, but everything seems to be a battle with him, and it wears me down.
Saw a very old friend (male) today who has been thru more than 1 divorce & he suggested that I not be in the same room alone with him. I simply cannot deal with H and his alternate reality.
If you met me you would think I am together and a real coper, but boy I don't feel like it around him. He is nasty.

elly67jo Tue 05-Mar-13 20:04:55

Good luck and keep us posted xx

Rooting for you moan. I think the advice of your friend might be very wise if you can make this happen.

Jux Tue 05-Mar-13 20:34:39

Let your solicitor deal with h's alternate reality. In what way is he nasty? Are you safe?

Glad your b-day was good. Good luck.

Moanranger Tue 05-Mar-13 22:10:37

Jux not physical, just really unpleasant, empathy-free zone, mean. It is just wearing me down.
I do experience moments of real joy, especially in nature, & am very happy in my own company. At the moment calm & peaceful, won't see him for a couple of days.
Son gave me a lovely necklace for my birthday - a real sweetie.

Ginebra Tue 05-Mar-13 22:54:32

Nightmare for you. dont even TRY to be reasonable. an unreasonable man never becomes more reasonable after u split.

Jux Wed 06-Mar-13 08:37:11

Lovely. Children can be bright spots in the middle of darkness, can't they?

It is wearing. i suppose these abusive men always think thay can wear you down and then you'll be nice and meek again.

Your children sound so lovely. Just imagine that calm and peaceful world is where you'll be in the future. I still relish the peace of my life eight years on - even though it is noisy and full, with a new DH and lots of kids. I appreciate the pleasant, supportive environment where there are no eggshells and everyone's feelings matter. And there's no fecker is moaning at me about perceived slights.

On the three house valuations ... I asked the estate agents for a valuation for a quick sale and the figure they'd market it at so I was able to point to a slightly lower figure that couldn't be argued about. They put both in the valuation.

Good luck.

WRT the business can redundancy be offered to him to get him out earlier? Not sure whether he is an employee. If he's a company director perhaps a compromise agreement based on his behaviour at work.

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