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could you date someone who cant spell?

(70 Posts)
oopsadaisymaisy Sun 17-Feb-13 19:07:08

I fully expect to need my hard hat, please don't be too harsh. I like someone, he's really sweet and he makes me laugh but he can't spell. We text each other a lot and I'm amazed at how poor his spelling is. I'm not talking the odd spelling mistake, I make them myself, I mean seriously bad spelling. It's not going to stop me seeing him but it does bother me a little bit.

kinkyfuckery Sun 17-Feb-13 19:08:24

Do you know him outwith texting? Is he intelligent enough to have conversation with?

coffeeinbed Sun 17-Feb-13 19:08:59

This is probably not the place to point out the misspelling in the OP?

usualsuspect Sun 17-Feb-13 19:10:21

My do can't spell,doesn't bother me in the slightest.

oopsadaisymaisy Sun 17-Feb-13 19:11:06

Ha ha, go for it. I'm on my phone apologies for any spelling mistakes. No, he's not my usual type at all but I do like him.

shrimponastick Sun 17-Feb-13 19:11:25

I met my DH online. His spelling and punctuation were a factor in choosing him. ;)

MadBusLady Sun 17-Feb-13 19:11:25

If I thought it was totally at odds with the rest of his personality (ie he was a highly intelligent person who happened to be dyslexic or similar), yes.

Otherwise no, I am a total snob about this stuff. It is a huge signifier to me of how thoughtful, intelligent and possibly even caring someone is.

<joins OP under hard hat>

usualsuspect Sun 17-Feb-13 19:11:32

Dp* bloody auto correct

oopsadaisymaisy Sun 17-Feb-13 19:13:26

Anyway, I'm not going to stop seeing him because he can't spell but I would like to be more tolerant. It does help knowing that it doesn't bother everyone.

bruffin Sun 17-Feb-13 19:13:37

My dh can't spell probably diagnosed dyslexic.
Being able to spell has very little to do with intelligence as many dyslexic are highly intelligent.
It can being annoying to be asked howvto spell stuff all the time. My Ds has dyslexic problems as well so get asked a lot, but have been married 21 years it not really affected us.

colditz Sun 17-Feb-13 19:13:44

Yes of course I would, but they would have to be intelligent enough to keep up with me because I dated a thicko once .... Never again.

usualsuspect Sun 17-Feb-13 19:13:49

But then I'm not a snob.

BertieBotts Sun 17-Feb-13 19:14:23

Nope. DP is dyslexic and his spelling is terrible but he's very intelligent and I can have challenging conversations with him.

However XP was not very bright and his spelling used to irk me, even though he couldn't help it - he was dyslexic too.

I know this is terrible blush I sometimes smile to myself too when DP takes 3 attempts to spell a word on draw something blush but then I have incredibly stupid moments which I'm sure he is equally privately amused by.

dondon33 Sun 17-Feb-13 19:15:11

So long as he could hold an intelligent conversation then yes. I don't see why not.

frustratedworkingmum Sun 17-Feb-13 19:15:55

"I'm on my phone apologies for any spelling mistakes"................!!!!!!! Have you thought that maybe he is just that bothered about spell check? What does he do for a living? Is he thoughtful, considerate? Sexy? have a nice bum? All those things are more important that his spelling ability. At least i hope so, because my DD is dyslexic and at 6, really struggling, i think she gets it from my DP as he cannot spell for toffee - I'd hate to think that she would be judged as a potential partner in her future because she cant spell.

BertieBotts Sun 17-Feb-13 19:16:12

It's stupid isn't it? Spelling really isn't anything to do with intelligence but we seem to link it subconsciously.

I think in actual fact it's something like a slight lisp or a wonky tooth or bad hair - would barely register if you like the person but if you don't then it becomes a source of irritation.

noddyholder Sun 17-Feb-13 19:17:24

madbus how can you tell how caring someone is by their spelling ability

oopsadaisymaisy Sun 17-Feb-13 19:17:27

Oh no, I was hoping I would meet with criticism rather than like minded spelling snobs. He's not very intelligent either but he's so cute. I don't know him well enough yet to make these judgements and I don't want to be a snob but I bloody am!

frustratedworkingmum Sun 17-Feb-13 19:17:44

Actually, im probably being niave in thinking she wont be sad Not saying you are judging OP, but people will i guess. It breaks my heart

usualsuspect Sun 17-Feb-13 19:17:57

My dp is probably dyslexic.He was probably labelled a thicko at school back in the day.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 17-Feb-13 19:18:09

The spelling wouldn't bother me so much as whether they could make intelligent conversation, have opinions, be witty, well-informed, interesting ... that kind of thing. If the spelling was rubbish and they were thick as two short planks as well... no thanks. Funnily enough one of my current b/fs is not gifted in the spelling dept but he's a very successful director of a multinational.

frustratedworkingmum Sun 17-Feb-13 19:19:04

Well, if he isn't very intelligent but cute, just use him as a fuck buddy then move on when someone with a better vocabulary comes along!

NoisesOff Sun 17-Feb-13 19:19:53

It would put me off a lot, unless it was due to dyslexia. But it's important to me to be with someone who cares about the written word. I met my husband through internet dating. His emails stood out for being articulate, witty and intelligent.

MechanicalTheatre Sun 17-Feb-13 19:19:57

God no, this wouldn't bother me at all.

frustratedworkingmum Sun 17-Feb-13 19:20:47

"Funnily enough one of my current b/fs is not gifted in the spelling department"...........shock envy grin

oopsadaisymaisy Sun 17-Feb-13 19:21:06

Ok, got more criticism. I deserve it. I shouldn't judge but I do but I'm going to stop it. He's kind and very nice to me. My ex was highly intelligent and a complete knob. I'm lucky he likes me.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadBusLady Sun 17-Feb-13 19:22:57

noddy It's interesting. I guess because I would feel it reflected how much care they'd taken in writing to me. If I know my spelling of a word is dodgy, I check it. I wrote to my DP for weeks before I met him. To me, it's as valid a way of getting to know a person as the more conventional face-to-face ways, and somebody who doesn't bother about their writing is the equivalent to someone who doesn't pay their fair share, or gets too pissed to be sociable, etc.

Same disclaimer as before applies re dyslexia etc.

usualsuspect Sun 17-Feb-13 19:23:44

My dp hates not being able to spell,he feels judged all the time.

MadBusLady Sun 17-Feb-13 19:24:19

See, that's how careful I am, I finish all my paragraphs with "etc" grin

Trills Sun 17-Feb-13 19:26:39

I probably wouldn't date someone who didn't think that spelling was important. If it looks like he's just not trying then we'd most likely disagree on a number of other issues too.

izzyizin Sun 17-Feb-13 19:26:58

I'm with MadBusLady - she's said exactly what I think on this subject but , as I've dated more than a few highly intelligent and articulate dyslexics, I see no reason to cower under a hard hat.

My DH can't spell, he's dyslexic, so it's understandable. He is clever though, very clever with computers, funny, witty, and kind. There are more good traits I could list, but I'd rather not make people start gagging. His spelling doesn't bother me at all. If he hadn't been very smart I think that would have been an issue, but he is, and his spelling has little to nothing to do with it.

RobotLover68 Sun 17-Feb-13 19:27:42

Yes i would/have - been with my DH 23 years and his spelling is terrible - he can knock me into a cocked hat with maths though - I'm rubbish!

YABU and judgy

roofio87 Sun 17-Feb-13 19:28:28

my ex dp (who I still think very highly of!) was an appalling speller in texts, every other word spelt wrong. but was fab in every otht way and got a degree and phd and went on to get a top job. spelling is definitely not everything!!

Trills Sun 17-Feb-13 19:29:23

There are a number of people on MN who are dyslexic (or who say that they are) where you would not guess it from their posts.

One of my colleagues, a professor at that, cannot spell for shit. It doesn't bother me at all. My spelling is awful too, and my typing is crap. Autocorrect sorts out a lot of what I type (sometimes to hilarious effect). I don't see how it matters.

It's a bit like not wanting to date someone because of their shoes. Really silly, but it could be something you just can't look past. It's best never to mention the reasoning in these situations, as it makes you sound shallow and daft.

maresedotes Sun 17-Feb-13 19:32:04

My DH is dyslexic and constantly asks me how to spell words so it wouldn't bother me. He is intelligent, loving and kind though. These are the qualities that are important to me not his truly appalling spelling.

allaflutter Sun 17-Feb-13 19:32:52

OP, is your issue with spelling perse, or is it a red herring, and whay you care is his EDUCATION level or dare I say, class? If so, you won't be able to lie to yourself for much longer, and after he boosts your self-esteem you'll get all dissatisfied. but if it's just the spelling, then of course ignore it.

IMO personality is the most important thing, but the second thing for a good relationship is similar interests and/or conversation on a similar level, so if he's fine with these and just spells badly, then not a problem for me.

I used to work as an editor and writer and regularly had to proof read other people's work. The odd typo or spelling error I can cope with, as we ALL make mistakes at times, but I often get some really appallingly written letters and emails at work (different job now) and it really grates on me - all because of my previous career. I must own up and say I would probably avoid an OD profile that had some poor spelling - but in real life, how often would I be likely to read a partner's stuff?

amillionyears Sun 17-Feb-13 19:34:38

Yep, married him!
Realised that in his case although he has never been able to spell well, that had no bearing on a lot of other things.
It severely restricted his learning at school though.
We assume he has some sort of educational condition, as other things words related are also difficult for him.
Though his spelling, after many years of marriage, and me helping him spell, has much improved.

starsandunicorns Sun 17-Feb-13 19:35:27

Im disleyxic and my dp loves my texts though he has said it can take a couple reads to work out what I mean. He has said it took him some time to understand my regular mis-spelling. If in doubt hes calls me or says to retext it and to text slowly. Im not thick and can have intense converstaions. My dp says its apart of me and accepts all of me

Trills Sun 17-Feb-13 19:36:01

You've now said in a later post that he's not very clever.

Even if his spelling was perfect I would not choose to date someone who I thought was "not very intelligent", no matter how "cute" he was.

MechanicalTheatre Sun 17-Feb-13 19:38:03

I'm not sure how important intelligence is, in terms of academic intelligence.

I'd rather have someone who is kind, that's much rarer.

oopsadaisymaisy Sun 17-Feb-13 19:40:27

Alla, I ll have to get to know him better. We ve only just met. I ll reserve judgement. It's just his spelling at this stage I'm struggling with. I can definitely overlook that if we have other things in common.

VelvetSpoon Sun 17-Feb-13 19:42:16

One of my Exs couldn't spell for shit. He has dyslexia which wasn't picked up properly at school. But he tried so hard, did a lot to educate and improve himself, and used to write me poems (after spell checking them thoroughly!). I was always very touched by that effort smile

For me, spelling isn't as important as what someone has to say for themselves - my DS's dad has no issues with spelling BUT he's really quite unintelligent, knows nothing about anything.

I know which I'd prefer.

It depends - if you don't find him mentally stimulating, you are on a hiding to nothing.

JulietAndRomeo Sun 17-Feb-13 19:45:33

Hmmm. My DH is very clever and mildly dyslexic and a terrible speller - and unemployed.

Do I mind that he can't spell? No.

Do I mind that he's unemployed? Yes. A lot.

Do I think the two are related? Yes.

Dont ever underestimate the consequences of dyslexia. It shapes your whole life in weird ways.

Bluemonkeyspots Sun 17-Feb-13 20:03:22

My dh writes the way he talks. I'm not even going to try and give an example as it really is a skill only he can demonstrate. Used to do my head in but he is a great husband/dad and I'm lucky to have him most of the time so just let it slide (though I do sometimes cringe when he sends me a Facebook message that all my friends and family can read)

LittleEdie Sun 17-Feb-13 20:05:58

If there's a good amount of chemistry, then yes I would.

sydlexic Sun 17-Feb-13 20:15:22

I am dyslexic, obviously.My Spelling is considerable better than that of my DH. It annoys me because I have had to work hard and he is too lazy to bother.

GreatUncleEddie Sun 17-Feb-13 20:16:31

I could be with someone who couldn't spell through dyslexia. I couldn't be with someone a bit dim, I really couldn't.

mizu Sun 17-Feb-13 20:18:20

Yes, I could and I am married to him. DH's first language is not English and his spelling is not the best.

sapphirestar Sun 17-Feb-13 20:26:23

My ex used to spell things like haveing, giveing etc! Made my teeth itch!

mercury7 Sun 17-Feb-13 20:36:40

if my impression of a man was that he was 'not very intelligent' then I dont think i'd be able to make the right kind of connection with him
I'd be unable to resist the temptation to talk down to him

I think it goes beyond the spelling.

It's about having compatible levels of intelligence. I spell v well. So does DH in the main.

My friend can't spell but her DH can. She just reworks her sentence if she thinks a word is wrong. She is actually on paper much cleverer than him.

0blio Sun 17-Feb-13 20:41:20

Apologies in advance for being off-topic, but kinkyfuckery are you Scottish?

I use the word 'outwith' and my English colleagues look at me like this --> confused

HecateWhoopass Sun 17-Feb-13 20:46:35

being unable to spell wouldn't bother me.

But I couldn't be with someone who was not a match for me intelligence wise.

That sounds arrogant grin but I actually mean either far less or far more.

nqtatwitsend Sun 17-Feb-13 20:51:32

I dated someone who sent me a text from ikea saying that he had seen a nice Chester draws for my bedroom. The relationship was doomed from then on...

BertieBotts Sun 17-Feb-13 20:52:09

I think intelligence is a pretty big factor in compatibility... if one of you is vastly more intelligent than the other then it's easy to fall into a pattern where the relationship is not equal. I notice for example that you've called him "cute" (rather than, say, good-looking, hot, fit, sexy) as well as "not very clever" - just be careful you're not infantilising him, you don't want to turn into your ex!

DP would probably say I'm cleverer than him on paper and it's probably true that I'm more academic, but he's most likely going to be more successful career-wise than I'll ever be because he's good at that kind of thing, whereas I'm hopelessly disorganised and scatty, and a bit anxious. But in conversation we're pretty equally matched. It's important to be able to have a good conversation IMO.

HollyBerryBush Sun 17-Feb-13 21:09:09

He's not very intelligent either but he's so cute.

No. Would have no potential earning power, I wouldnt want a life of poverty. And looks fade.

fluffyraggies Sun 17-Feb-13 21:21:50

My DHs spelling is ... middling to not good.

Mine is about the same grin

The ability to spell matters not a jot in his career. He wears his heart on his sleeve and is a loving, funny and gorgeous bloke.

The ability to spell or not isn't a measure of intelligence or an indicator of a persons ability to care. I actually find his spelling mistakes rather endearing.

betterthanever Sun 17-Feb-13 21:42:33

When my ex who had left me when pregnant suddenly made contact after over 6 years - my annoyance at his terrible grammar and spelling in the shitty email he sent me - (He's instead of His best interest is one example).... almost sent me over the edge.
That said sometimes people use a different way of speaking via text - a colleague writes for a living but does some weird spelling things via text to me.

Arisbottle Sun 17-Feb-13 21:47:09

HollBerryBushSun 17-Feb-13 21:09:09

He's not very intelligent either but he's so cute.

No. Would have no potential earning power, I wouldnt want a life of poverty. And looks fade.

Do you not have any faith in your own earning power? My DH is a rubbish speller fortunatley he is better at the practicals of cunnilingus than the spelling of it.

You can also meet some very bright people who do not earn a lot of money or some very rich people who are not that intelligent. I would rather be with a poor intelligent person than a rich thick one.

I think matching intellects are important.

Beckamaw Sun 17-Feb-13 23:57:57

There is a massive difference between lazy, shit spelling and dyslexia.
I am massively pedantic about language. My DP is severely dyslexic, cannot even order months chronologically. He couldn't write his own name until he was a teenager. He also gets very cross with the number of people who label themselves 'dyslexic', because it is not just about shit spelling!

He's been very successful, is an outstanding artist, great common sense. He is also intelligent, considerate, kind, respectful and thoughtful.

But if he asks me how to spell 'colour' one more time.............!

starsandunicorns Mon 18-Feb-13 00:36:46

Beck the word colour to me looks wrong always has I always spell color then have put the u letter in its nice to see so my partners supporting there other halfs. I still am embrassed about my grammer spelling and when I do instrustions I say them back to front etc my xh was never supportive but my dp is and my self estem as improved so much

beck colour is one of those impossible words, like the 'first months' and no, I can't put the months in order without going through all of them with a song. grin

OP it seems it's not that he can't spell it's because he is a bit dim. As a very dyslexic person, I can also happily say I would not date someone dim.

starsandunicorns Mon 18-Feb-13 00:51:32

I do that but with the alphabet always have to start at A

My Dp can't spell to save his life, and his writing is atrocious. Dd who is 8 helps him spell when he's goggling on the computer.
He is the smartest man I have ever known, he should have been an engineer type smart, he invests tools to meet his own needs. He can fix or learn to fix absolutely anything. He can also hold a conversation (if it wasn't for social anxiety) and talk in depth about a myriad of topics, he loves to learn, read (all be it slowly) and watch documentaries. OP Please don't judge him on his spelling, he might be fantastic.

Invents not invests!

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