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advice for a dad? tricky times

(135 Posts)
skaboy Sun 17-Feb-13 10:26:27

I posted this in another thread as a reply, but a responder suggested I start a new thread therefore some of it is copied and pasted.

I'm a dad of 4 with a wife who has serious health problems and have signed up for this forum because I have nowhere else I feel I can get support for the tough time we're having at the moment. Recently I became aware she was having an 'emotional affair' (emails and texts to. A work colleague, it had already got to the point they were telling each other they loved each other). I've worked full time and carried the family for years and you can imagine I was very upset to find that despite this she still felt that she needed to see someone else. Her justification was that I neglected her- the way I see it is that I had become a robot, working, essentially a single father in terms of the practicalities of bringing the children up, and being a carer for my wife. She would get me to get long lists of stuff she needed in town to keep me out long enough. Its truly horrible to think of the betrayal.

After finding out I wasn't sure if we could go on but she pleaded that she has finished with him and wants to make a go of it with me. However she has been distant since and I'd be lying if I said I believed her fully that this is the case. We're in a bit of a state of limbo, and she puts her apathy down to needing to 'get better' before dealing with our relationship. However we just don't seem to be dealing with it at all. She managed to find the energy to instigate and maintain the affair whilst being this ill. Part of me thinks that she is just keeping me around to do all the practical stuff like looking after her and bringing up the kids.

At the moment I'm really just trying to make myself trust her because the alternative is a life of constant emotional pain. I have been trying to weigh up the situation to work out whether it is worth it at all. The family I had worked to build for years is my justification for giving it another try. I hated having to analyse everything my partner did or said to work out if she was lying. Its harder in a sense because the usual thing for a dad to do is move out but my kids need me and I really want to see if we can be happy as a family.

I don't know of any Dadsnet sites so I've arrived here to see if I can get any advice or ideas to try and get through this.

bugster Sun 17-Feb-13 10:32:38

I'm so sorry to hear this. It sounds like she has been taking you for granted. What kind of health problems does she have? In what way does she need to get better?

I think you need to insist that she treat you with more respect and consideration. It sounds as if you do an awful lot for the family and she very little.

I feel for you.

Do you feel that her bad health is preventing you from moving on from what seems like a bad relationship overall?

onetiredmummy Sun 17-Feb-13 10:51:13

Are you happy in this marriage skaboy?

Do you love her?

I understand the sheer resentment, that you do everything for the kids & also for her & she tells you its not enough. I imagine that you are doing everything you can & its a massive kick in the teeth for her to have an affair. Putting all that aside do you neglect each other? Are you doing all the work because you want the relationship to continue or because if you won't do it then who will?

You have lost touch with your wife, but whether you want to regain what you once had is up to you. I know all too well how it feels to not trust your partner & to be constantly looking out for lying & betrayal. Its fucking exhausting & yes you do reach the point where it becomes too much & you don't want to live like that anymore. And more importantly you don't see why you should.

Also it worries me that you don't feel there is an alternative except constant emotional pain. There is an alternative & its different but you can live your life without living with her. It may not be fun all the time & it can be lonely but its doable & it gives you the chance to find someone else to share your life with, in a life where you will be equal. You sound so trapped at the minute, you sound as though you feel you can't get out & that's not true.

So practically, is her health good enough to bring the kids up by herself or would you get custody? Would your children be happy to live with you if they are old enough to decide? Can you afford a lawyer skaboy so you can talk through the practicalities of living a life apart from her & possibly only seeing the kids at the weekend.

If you decide that you can't live this way anymore then see a lawyer, if you can't afford a lawyer then see Citizens Advice to understand your options. I don't know the law well enough to comment but if you do everything around the house & support the kids emotionally plus she has had an affair, is it possible the kids will stay with you?

I go back to my original question of are you happy? because if you know that then you will know what has to be done smile If you want to stay with your wife then perhaps you need to communicate better & make time for each other. If you don't want to then you need to understand where you can go. Also you need to know what your wife wants to do.

I never once regretted leaving my ex H, its been 3 years now & it was the best decision I had made for a long long time. I have a new partner now & am so much happier. So its a scary time, leaving a spouse but imho it just gets better & better. Look into your heart, put your family aside for a second & see what YOU want to do for YOU.

skaboy Sun 17-Feb-13 11:08:41

Bugster: its a long term back problem and its very genuine. When its good she is able to work and drive etc but wheb its bad she can do very little. Its been particularly bad for a while.

PureQuintessence: it is one factor. The main factor is being there for the kids and the fact that we were all happy once upon a time and I genuinely think it might be possible to get back to that provided I get at least some things my way (I've been trying to get out and see friends occasionally for instance, something which had dissappeared)

My main worry is that I'm doing all the running to get the relationship back together. I'm not sure if I should just distance myself but its very hard to do that when I have to be here to run the house, sort the kids etc.

skaboy Sun 17-Feb-13 11:18:28

Onetiredmummy: thanks for that and I've touched on some of what you said in my earlier reply. I do think we have a basis for getting through it if it is more on my terms than it was. However, since agreeing to make a go of it, I feel its just gone back to me doing all the running. If I'd had an affair I think I'd be trying a lot harder.

Adversecamber Sun 17-Feb-13 11:24:27

I have health conditions that ebb and flow and my DH has had to bear the brunt. I have never taken advantage of him though. You both need to talk at great length about the situation and I think you need some legal advice as well. I'm very sorry this is happening to you and she is absolutely taking you for granted.

skaboy Sun 17-Feb-13 11:37:31

Adversecamber, thanks its interesting to get the perspective of someone who shares that similarity. She seems to think she cannot discuss anything until she is better, but I'm worried she actually just doesn't want to face up to it for whatever reason. My worst fear is that she'll get back to health and still not want to deal with it - effectively use me as a crutch so that she can continue to take advantage. Haven't gone down the legal advice road yet. Not exactly stacked for money but will do what I can.

badinage Sun 17-Feb-13 11:47:06

How old are the kids?

If you work full time, who sees to their needs while you're at work?

If they are old enough to more or less see to their own practical needs, could your wife leave and you apply for residence or could you go for 50-50 shared residence?

I'm asking practical questions mainly, because IMO either your wife is still having an affair or she still wants to, but is pretending she wants to stay in the marriage because of her own needs and no-one else's.

If she was genuinely sorry and wanted to make a go of your relationship, you'd be seeing that - and you aren't.

Springdiva Sun 17-Feb-13 11:56:22

If you were a woman I would say speak to a solicitor to find out exactly how things would stand if you separated eg would DCs be with you or DP, how would time be split, how would money be split and from a position of knowledge of what might or could be the future scenario decide what you want for the future. Then try to discuss with DP.

skaboy Sun 17-Feb-13 13:02:55

I'm fully prepared to look into all the eventualities of splitting up-just want to make sure I've tried my best to keep us together in the first place. I'm reasonably sure she isn't still in contact with the guy. But I do worry that she isn't helping matters by refusing to deal with the problem. Its only been a couple of weeks so I'm willing to give it a bit longer before making any decisions

Branleuse Sun 17-Feb-13 13:05:11


badinage Sun 17-Feb-13 13:11:07

I wouldn't leave it a bit longer before expecting to see some signs of her wanting your marriage to work. Is she being open with her technology - passwords, phone, laptop etc. Who is he?

Corygal Sun 17-Feb-13 14:36:18

Honestly, I would see a lawyer - it won't make anything worse, promise, but it will knock out some of your anxieties about what happens to the family if the marriage ends.

She sounds like she's a user - and 4 kids is a lot, that can't be making things any easier. How old are they?

I really feel for you. If it were me, I'd give her a month or so. Then ask her if she wants to leave.

Lueji Sun 17-Feb-13 14:55:03

I'd be off too with her not being able to work on your relationship now, when she could have a relationship with someone else. It just seems that she doesn't want to.

So, it does look like she doesn't love you anymore, but is happy to have your support.
She probably realises that if you leave, you'd probably leave with the children, as she can hardly take care of them and you'd probably be happy too.

You can't force anyone to love you, obviously. And you should be with someone who does.
Which is sad, but it would mean that you should separate, regardless of her health.

It is fine for you to do the running, the housework, your full time job, and look after the kids, if she is of ill health, if you both love each-other and are committed to your relationship. As it is, your wife does nothing aside from feeling sorry for herself, seeking attention and gratification elsewhere.

A good marriage can survive one of the parties being unwell and not able to work, but not if their heart is not in it.

I would see a lawyer.

Your wife is perfectly able to start conducting a relationship with somebody else, but says she is too unwell to communicate with you. You know what this translates to? She is too unwell to deal with the upheaval of a split, see solicitors and start moving out. This is why she is waiting for a "good period" so she has the strenght, not to improve your relationship, but to leave it behind.

Be smart and prepare yourself.

GiveMeSomeSpace Mon 18-Feb-13 13:31:10

Really sorry to hear about your situation.

I'm afraid, she's taken you for granted and is treating you like a doormat. If you want this to continue , then continue pandering to her.

Always keep your cool. Tell her exactly how you feel and tell her it's up to her to rebuild trust and work on the relationship if she wants to. If she's not prepared to put the effort in now then I think it tells you all you need to know about what she wants. I can guarantee she still has feelings for the other guy from the way she is behaving.

You will continue to be treated like this if you put up with it.

skaboy Wed 20-Feb-13 22:23:33

Thanks for all the advice. I'm going to front it out tomorrow. Can't really go on like this. Even if the worst happens, I feel as prepared as I'm ever going to be. A close friend said I have a strong heart to even have got this far and I'm still mid-30s so things can only get better which ever way this goes. I've got lovely kids and cant really be hurt much mire than I have already.

Skyebluesapphire Wed 20-Feb-13 22:29:41

Sadly it sounds like she is in the selfish bubble of the affair still. My XH managed to text OW over 100 times a day, yet can't ring his 4yo DD once a week as he is too busy working.... like your wife being too ill to communicate with you, but manages it with OM....

Good luck with the chat

skaboy Thu 21-Feb-13 20:44:21

Dammit - that didn't go too well. She got angry at me for forcing the issue. Said she'd only discuss it through relate, wants space to make her mind up. Laid more blame on me for the whole situation and suggested a trial seperation. Hate this world of limbo. Spent the day with friends and now back at home not knowing what to do or how to play it. I know I'll eventually be ok either way but hate the waiting.

She got angry with you for forcing the issue, she can't keep you hanging around forever until she decides to make her mind up, does she truly think you will just wait around for her. So sorry for you I hope you feel strong enough to give her an ultimatum, because otherwise you could be in the same place in 6 months time. I hope someone gives you a big hug.

Doha Thu 21-Feb-13 21:11:48

If she wants a trial separation can you ask her to leave? I know it is not ideal and l don't know if it is doable with the kids but she seems to be the one calling the shots and wanting it all her own way.
Perhaps if she sees what she is about to lose she might pull her finger out her arse and start trying to sort things out with you

Lueji Thu 21-Feb-13 21:15:22

TBH, I think it might be a good idea to take her up on the trial separation.

skaboy Thu 21-Feb-13 22:00:28

Yeah my best hope is that somehow she works out what I actually do for her when I'm gone or something. The kids have to stay here really so not sure how to do the whole 'space' thing. If I give her ultamatums she may well refuse to go to relate and call the whole thing off so I'm praying we get an appointment soon. I'd like a decision either way so I know what the hell I'm doing.

Doha Thu 21-Feb-13 22:05:55

If I give her ultamatums she may well refuse to go to relate and call the whole thing off

She is holding all the cards and all the power. She will call it off if she doesn't get her own way--emotional blackmail.
Skaboy you deserve so much better than this. Time for you to take control and stop pussyfooting about her.
Leave-get as much access to the kids as you can --call her bluff.

skaboy Thu 21-Feb-13 23:11:32

If relate is going to take any more than a week or two then I'm outta here. Sleeping in the spare bed tonight. Said I need space too. Told her my only ask is that she doesn't see anyone else until its over. We might have to time share the house somehow. Don't know how much I believe / have faith in her effort to keep this going. Guess another sleepless night is on the cards

blueshoes Fri 22-Feb-13 14:08:28

If you leave the house, is she well enough to look after the children on her own? Will she move the bloke in to help out?

wallypops Fri 22-Feb-13 20:59:58

Why on earth would you leave the house? Sorry but she is the one that needs to go, and sharpish too. She wants her cake etc etc

Do not discuss anything until you have seen a lawyer. Find out how you can keep the kids and the house and get her out. At the very least it would appear that she thinks she has all the power. You love her, want it to work. She thinks she will get the kids and the house and you will be miserable plus paying her child support and alimony.

skaboy Fri 22-Feb-13 23:39:48

I'm feeling really positive today after numerous talks with longtime friends. They have reaffirmed the positvity they feek I project in adverse situations to the extent that I really don't think I'm going to lose out either way here. To be perfectly blunt I think my wife has been bullshitting her way to armageddon and everyone I have talked to from her best friend to her mum thinks she is completely in the wrong. I can't be hurt any more than I have been already. Even if she is lying now, she will only hurt herself in the long run. I'm going to focus on the kids, myself and getting back to a good quality of life. Admittedly I'm not very savvy with solicitors etc but actually I don't think I'm that bothered about money, property, materirialism etc...just making sure myslef and the kids have a happy life

skaboy Wed 27-Feb-13 00:47:37


Well things just seem to be bumbling on with no conclusion. I'm waiting for her to 'make a decision' which she won't do till she talks to relate (how long does this take?)

In the meantime she 'wants space' to make a decision. I have been giving her this and then some. She went back to work this week. She has been really naking an effort aesthetiacally (she looked like she was off for a night out) just to go into work, where coincidentally the other guy works

I have been seeing my friends more, buying new clothes and doing my own thing for the first time in years- she has commented on this.

I actually don't know what to do here. I can see both eventualities evenly: one where we reconcile and everything is ok and the other where we split and actually I think I'll have a pretty good life thank you very much.


Darkesteyes Wed 27-Feb-13 01:20:17

Hi, Only just spotted this thread. So sorry to hear you are going through this. She is not being fair by keeping you hanging decision wise let alone the other stuff thats been happening.
Its good that you are spending time with friends. And socialising. I hope you are finding good support there.

FlatCapAndAWhippet Wed 27-Feb-13 01:41:30

Totally wrapped up in herself.

I'd ask her to leave.

skaboy Wed 27-Feb-13 09:43:37

I guess the only reason I haven't finished it is so that one day I'll be able to look my kids (and myself) in the eye and say I tried my best. I'm waiting for the relate sessions and to find out exactly whether she is going to make a proper go of things. We were happy not so long ago and for the majority of the relationship. I guess I've made my bed, but I won't wait forever.

I'm not sure about asking her to leave as its different being a dad. Also she's a lot more savvy than me on rights because of her job so my bet is she knows all the tricks to pull.

Doha Wed 27-Feb-13 16:48:16

It sounds like she is waiting for this work colleague to lick his fingers and she will go running to him.
You are being kept in the wings as a reserve.

Please please do not let yourself become your wife's back up plan, her fall back option or her second choice what ever you want to call it.

You are far far to nice to be treated like this. Let her go-she will live to regret it but by that time you will have moved on and will have realised that you deserve better

skaboy Wed 27-Feb-13 19:49:34

Doha that's pretty much what I'm thinking. I'm building up my confidence to front this whole thing out with her. Can't live in limbo any more. I'm going to be honest and say I'd rather we split if I'm being considered as a back up plan. Life is too short!

Corygal Wed 27-Feb-13 19:55:50

Yep, Life is too short. And you'll get the house and the kids - be prepared for a shitstorm when she finds out, but by then it will be too late.

Giving her time for decisions is reasonable, but enforce the deadlines you set - start leaving rental leaflets lying about.

AutumnDreams Wed 27-Feb-13 20:16:25

Skaboy......I`m so sorry, but I think she knows exactly what she intends to do, that she has, in fact, got a full blown agenda. Something is holding her plans up for the moment - maybe the OM is sorting out loose ends. Listen to your friends, and step right up to the plate. She is treating you shamefully, and you are worth so much more. I think the Relate thing is just a smoke screen, and she probably has no intention of going. Actually, this is a form of mental cruelty, this carrot dangling. You really need to let her know that you have taken enough sh*t, and want definite answers. I wish you well.

Shybairns Wed 27-Feb-13 20:22:19

skaboy Does she not value the family life that you have together? What does she say you do wrong?
I'm mid divorce and although it was my decision in the end to go down this route my hand was forced to to my H making absolutly no effort to meet me half way and try marraige counselling or anything. He'd given up on the marraige but wanted me to be the one to make the decision to end it.

Divorce is shit (as you would expect) The guilt, the hurt, the financial struggle.

Does she have any idea what she's giving up on? I know you do.
If you think she does then it really is over. You deserve to be appreciated and loved whole heartedly, you deserve happiness. And your wife is the one supposed to be giving you this.

elastamum Wed 27-Feb-13 20:34:07

Poor you.. Go and see a solicitor and work out what you want if you split. there is no reason you cant have shared care, esp if you already do most of the childcare. You can live walking distance from your wife and the children spend 1/2 the week in each house. That way they can maintain a good relationship with both of you. I know a few working parents with this arrangement and it seems to work.

skaboy Wed 27-Feb-13 21:35:23

Corygirl thanks, I'm getting ready for the shitstorm but still not overly sure I'll get the house or kids.

Autumndreams, believe me I'm coming to see how ruthless she actually is being. I am going to front the whole thing out calmly tomorrow after work. Little bit scared but also quite philosophical in a weird way.

Shybairns. I really thought she did. Maybe some part of her still does, but the thing is she has the cold heart of a lady who is constantly tanked up on opiates for the last few years. I'm going to request that the kids hear the truth from her before we go public as, especially the older two 13 and 12 have been picking up on all this and are really fragile.

Elastamum, I would really like it if it can end up as fair as that. Given time it might happen hopefully.

skaboy Thu 28-Feb-13 08:17:12

Oh dear its D day and I've had no sleep. I think I'm going to play it safe. Just start the conversation off calmly and see what happens. I'm almost thinking of leaving it till a day when I'm thinking more clearly

Doha Thu 28-Feb-13 13:31:13

Don't put it off any longer Skaboy. Tbey way she is acting is making you not think clearly. Perhaps with "The talk" you will get some clarity.

Good luck

You are waaaay to nice for her.
I cannot believe she is behaving like this after what she has done.
I know you want to try but I don't understand why?
From what you have told us here she is a very self centred and selfish person.
Why do you want to continue with that?
You seem lovely and you'll find someone who truly loves and respects you. It's what you deserve now!

carelessdad Thu 28-Feb-13 14:42:15

OP, go for it! I was being treated like shit in my relationship, and eventually said enough is enough. The now ex-wife then tried a sudden nuclear Armageddon against me, as she realised that her comfortable selfish life was going to end. I coped, the kids coped, and we got the house. We're all much happier, except for the ex-wife who is sitting in her empty new house and looking forward to the kids next visit. Ex-wife decided there was no room for compromise, and she's now having to live with the consequences and blaming everyone but herself.

You can get what you want.

carelessdad Thu 28-Feb-13 14:49:47

p.s. Originally I was staying for the kids. My youngest was younger than your two. Much to my surprise, he announced early on after the split than he wanted to stay with me rather than his mother. Again surprisingly, a school mum came up to me at a function about 6 months after he moved out to say that she'd noticed he was a lot happier and brighter than he had been before, and was, 'a different boy'.

I should have split up earlier.

skaboy Thu 28-Feb-13 19:35:38

The talk happened. - asked for honesty, she admitted she loves me but is in love with the other guy. I said I'd had enough. She suggested I stay and co-parent but I cannot handle living under the same roof if she is seeing him so have left. I'm still doing practical stuff with the kids day to day and sofa surfing I think until I find somewhere. Splitting the house and money is going to be a world of pain but I'll deal woth that in time. It was the worst thing in the world to leave my kids and the house but if I can get my own polace quickly it'll be ok.

In a way I think I have a better position now being single than her with herr doubts about whether she has made the right decision (her 20 texts so far this evening paint a picture of a girl who doesn't know who she is anymore or what she wants.) I genuinely feel for her, but I'm going to have to look after myself and the kids in the short term. I think she thinks I might take her back if it goes tits up with the other guy.

Dozer Thu 28-Feb-13 19:52:26

OP you should seek legal advice urgently.

Doha Thu 28-Feb-13 20:02:14

Please do not keep answering her texts.
She has to live with what she has done and that does not mean keeping you at her beck and call at all times. Detach detach detach-you no longer being there might bring her to her senses when she realises just what a cock up she has made and the dream of lie with this OM is not so good in RL.
Please seek legal advice and have your ducks all lined up before she starts making demands.
Are you wanting custody of the DC'c or joint custody or regular access.
I am sorry but not surprised it has turned out this way but as l said up thread Please do not be her fall back option.
Good luck x

Lueji Thu 28-Feb-13 21:21:50

If she was a man, I'd say she wants to have her cake and eat it...

Detaching from her and the impossible situation she has put you in is the best

Skyebluesapphire Thu 28-Feb-13 23:24:07

I agree, get legal advice ASAP. Look after yourself and your children. Your wife is not your concern now. She has made her choice, let her deal with it.

Ignore all but essential texts regarding the children. That is the easiest way to protect yourself in all of this.

skaboy Fri 01-Mar-13 09:30:35

Day one as single - not going too bad so far. We're going to try relate to set 'ground rules' for the separation. If I was of the mind I could go for the house as she had the affair and I have always done more with regards to bringing up the kids. I'm not going to do that though as she has already been upset about losing everything.

I would like a house of my own where I can have the kids half the time and a joint account in which we both put equal money into for their upbringing. I have money in our house which I would need to get. We would both be more skint but I can't stay in the house with her knowing she is seeing someone else-she has offered that I stay.

Dozer Fri 01-Mar-13 19:56:28

Skaboy, the courts don't care whose fault divorce is in assigning the assets, maintenance etc, you really really do need to get some good legal advice, there is a poster called olgaga who posts with lots of useful links and info.

Dozer Fri 01-Mar-13 20:00:27

dh has a friend whose wife (the lower earner and pt) had an affair. He is now paying maintenance for the children (of course) and to her and has had to move to a tiny flat. She would not agree to the shared custody arrangements he proposed so he doesn't see the DC very much etc. (Moving out probably won't count in your favour with that kind of thing.)

skaboy Fri 01-Mar-13 21:01:39

Thanks for that

She hasn't even been able to cope the last 24 hours with the kids. I'm here at the moment sorting them out. I doubt she will want to or be able to get main custody. Her years of medical records are proof. I am going to get legal advice but its very early. She went through a bitter divorce / house settlement with her parents and doesn't want to do the same thing here. Neither do I to be fair. It was her who suggested co-parenting from the same house but I cannot live there if she is seeing someone else. Its not fair on the kids to have to suffer my being sad, the lies about where mummy has gone etc

skaboy Sat 02-Mar-13 00:03:06

I also am starting to realise that the morphine she has been taking is another factor. It has made her cold and callous. It coincides with our decline of relationship and she has lost all her empathy. She would never have had an affair before or lied so compulsively. She says she feels dead inside. I think she has sapped all her ability to think of others and every decision she makes is a selfish one. Even now I have to sift through all her proposals to work out what she thinks is in it for her. Her mum and best friend say they have never seen. Her like this. Its such a sad situation.

I'm being really positive in the mornings but start to dwell on it when it gets to this time of night. I really hope there is a happy ending whatever.

I'm sat here thinking: have they turned everything off, what if there's a fire etc. She will be dead to the world on medication and if I was there I was always the one 'on duty' and would wake up if there was anything which might be a danger to my family.

Skyebluesapphire Sat 02-Mar-13 01:27:14

Don't blame the morphine. From the minute my XH became obsessed with OW, he lost all empathy for me and became cold, callous and with no care for me whatsoever.

The man I had always classed as my soulmate suddenly became a cold hearted stranger.

Sadly it's just par for the course.

Just look after yourself from now on, don't worry about her...

Somethingtothinkabout Sat 02-Mar-13 09:02:52

I agree with Skye, Skaboy. The morphine is a red herring here. It's the affair that has made her cold and selfish to you (and others). People who have affairs become like this because they need to be to allow themselves to have the affair. it's all part of the script. (I'm sure someone else will be along soon who can explain it better than me.)

You're doing yourself a massive disservice if you give a get out of jail free card because of the morphine.

Remember, she's not been cold with the OM, so it's a choice she's making.

Look after yourself and your kids. You've still got a lot of life ahead of you, too much to spend it with someone whose priorities are now elsewhere. She'll realise in time what she's lost, trust that.

skaboy Sun 03-Mar-13 16:39:17

Yep cheers for that. She has become pretty cold and callous. I don't know what's happening at the moment. She offered me to stay over tonight. I haven't said either way. I'm helping a lot with the kids and the housework-trying to do it for them really, and then going back to stay at my friends. She has said she thinks she might have made the biggest mistake if her life and wants six months to get her jead together. I don't know how to play it really.

snuffaluffagus Sun 03-Mar-13 17:09:07

Look after yourself and don't hang around for her to sort herself out if it's not the right thing for you.

ElizaCBennett Sun 03-Mar-13 18:21:34

[skaboy] I will say to you what I have said to other friends in the past - what is it that YOU want? She seems to be pulling all the strings and keeping you as a back up. Don't worry about what she wants, she will deal with that herself! What is your ideal outcome? Look after your kids and protect yourself emotionally and financially. If she said it was all over with OM would you really want her back? Look forward a year and think how you want it to be; only you know the answer to that.

ElizaCBennett Sun 03-Mar-13 18:22:47

Sorry, mistake with bolding !

Doha Sun 03-Mar-13 18:32:21

What she is actually saying Skaboy is give her 6 months to see how it pans put with OM. If it doesn't work out you are her fall back option. Please do not do that to yourself.

Live for now--this relationship is over. Could you ever trust her again -seeing this cold callous side of her--forget the morphine THIS IS HER NOW.
Get yourself some legal advice try get yourself somewhere where you can take the kids away from the house.
Don't stay over tonight....

Skyebluesapphire Sun 03-Mar-13 18:47:41

When my XH walked , he said "who knows, I may feel differently in three or six months time" . I hoped he was having some sort of breakdown but when he revealed his true colours by having deceived me with OW that was it.

I was not going to hang around for a few months and see if he changed his mind. I am worth more than that and thanks to the advice in here I divorced him.

Spoonful Sun 03-Mar-13 18:52:52

I agree that she obviously wants six months to see how her life goes with OM. That isn't fair to you at all and is a very selfish request for her to make. Don't put your life on hold for that.

See how it goes at Relate. Hopefully it'll help.

I also hope you get advice soon with regards to the custody split of your children.

AnAirOfHope Sun 03-Mar-13 20:07:54

Im so angry reading your post angry

1) You cant leave children with someone who can not look after them. She is not putting the kids first cos she should have moved out and left you to care for them. Could you ever forgive yourself if something happened to them just cos you didnt ask her to leave?

2) You have rights and needs too. Make an appointment tomoro to get legal advice regarding childcare and finances. You need to legally separate your assets to provide for your kids as you can not trust her to do it.

3) You need to relise that relate only works if both people want it to work and are honest. It should be dw making the appointment and trying to fix the relationship not you. You need to.go radio silance, let her see and feel that you are not there. Dont reply to txt, set up access and make sure kids are safe with her.

AnAirOfHope Sun 03-Mar-13 20:26:32

Why cant she move out of the family home?

You sound far to nice for our own good and everyone knows nice guys finsh last. I think you need to start building a future without her in it.

Read the other threads on here as they give a good plan to follow and good advice and get the book "not just good friends"

Its hard but you need to see your wife as seprate from your children and look at her actions not her words.

Also I think its really shit that you have to leave the house and kids just cos your a man and you didnt do anything wrong. I think the person who has the affair should be the one to leave but then life isnt fair.

Im not much help but I really wish it works out for the best for you and your family xx

skaboy Sun 03-Mar-13 20:55:27

Its really helpful to read all the replies in the thread. She has said she is not even sure if she wants to see the other guy and that the problem was falling out of love with me. I want to end up happy whatever, and I feel that I need my own space away from her. I don't mind being the one to go if we have an agreement to share costs of kids and childcare and for her to buy me out at some point down the line. If its all done fairly it can work.

I am concerned that she has been getting my older two to do a lot of the work when I am not there. My daughter was very emotional today because she had to get up at 6.30 with the youngest and couldn't concentrate on her homework. This is something I will have to address in counselling. I don't mind being the one to sort out relate because the purpose is to establish ground rules to seperate-we're not doing it to get back together.

As for the six month thing. I could be a completely different person by then, not want her back or even be with someone else myself. I have told her this. I will be a lot stronger by then as well. Its just very messy at the moment trying to think practically when the emotions are very raw. Our wedding and family photos are all over the house and I notice she is still wearing her ring. Marriage and a mortgage has probably made this harder to get out of.

WafflyVersatile Sun 03-Mar-13 21:02:51

Your job is to do what's best for your children, and for you. Is it not your job to pander to her whims while she mucks you and the children about.

What is best for your children is to be in a stable, loving, nurturing home. What is the best way to provide that or the closest to that that is feasible in this situation? Family courts are charged with looking after the children's rights not the parent's rights. If you were the decision maker at family court how would you arrange your family at this time?

What is best for you is not to be at the whim of her caprice or to be worried about your children's safety, IMO.

I don't agree that the person who had the affair has to move out. Life is not that black and white. What is best for the children is more important.

ProphetOfDoom Sun 03-Mar-13 21:21:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnAirOfHope Sun 03-Mar-13 22:04:02

Agree medation is the way forward to seperate and relate can only help with communication and.truest issues not the pratical stuff or legal stuff that needs sorting.

If you get tax creadit you need to notify them of the split as benefits will be change as your ex is now a single parent and poll tax. If you have made a will it needs changing.

You need legal advice asap.

AnAirOfHope Sun 03-Mar-13 22:07:33

What have you told the children?

Its confusing for them if you go back everyday and then leave again. They need a new routine and you need to set boundries with your ex.

skaboy Sun 03-Mar-13 22:15:37

Ok, will try to sort out mediation and I'm also going to see a solicitor. Neither of us want a messy end to this, so its just about getting a short term solution for the next few months.

The kids know we have seperated and the older ones know why. Their routine is staying the same at the moment. We are taking it day by day.

Springdiva Mon 04-Mar-13 03:15:20

I think you would do the DCs a big favour if you got a plan together (after speaking to a solicitor to get the best options sorted out) and told the DCs what you expect will happen.

You've told then you have separated and why but they must be v anxious and worried about their future, poor things, especially with an unstable DM 'caring' for them. They might be frightened that you will go off and leave them with her or leave them homeless or whatever. For their sakes you should try to move forward.

Tenacity Mon 04-Mar-13 05:40:50

Skaboy: Hang in there, there is light at the end of the tunnel, and 'this too shall come to pass'.
Your wife sounds like the biggest fool.

PigWhisperer Mon 04-Mar-13 08:14:18

Skaboy, I think you have been incredible.

I am going to be a negative voice here, but having read the thread I really want to tell you this. Divorce has a grieving process like any other loss and although your wife is being amenable at the moment , sooner or later she will start to get angry. Whether she is right to get angry or not, she will be mad with you for leaving. Thats when problems with the children and access and money etc etc start.

I really think you should make an appointment with a shit-hot divorce lawyer and go and see them. You don't have to start anything yet, but once they have seen you it means they are tied to you and wont be able to represent your wife. You don't have to tell anyone.

Please consider this. You want to be acting in a way that gives you the best chance of getting the good access to your children if this turns nasty. Sooner or later all her friends, her family, her "friend" will all be giving her advice on how to get the best from this situation and you need that advice too.

skaboy Mon 04-Mar-13 13:25:26

Thanks for all the kind words and advice. It has really made the difference. I'm trying to get through this tough time to a point hopefully where things will be better. I really appreciate you taking the time to post your thoughts. I'm on the case with the solictors, counselling and house-viewing as of today so will probably post another update soon.

AnAirOfHope Mon 04-Mar-13 15:17:15

How old are your children?

How are they doing today?

Have you told your employer about whats happening at home? Some companies have free legal advice for employees or counciling, it might be worth contacting hr?

skaboy Mon 04-Mar-13 19:46:14

Yes my boss is very understanding and we have a free counselling service for staff. My kids seem ok, but as others in the thread have quite rightly said, they now need a firn idea of what is happening. My ex is back to selfish-mode, probably seeing the honme-wrecker again and is not really communicating again. I'm more determined to break away than ever.

skaboy Mon 04-Mar-13 19:47:21

Btw kids are 14, 12, 9 and 6

skaboy Mon 04-Mar-13 22:57:38

Another day, another argument. I told her I needed space to get my head into being single. I suggested me moving into rented accommodation but she said that would cost us too much. She told me she is still seeing OM. The ensuing text exchange webnt thus:
Me: Think we need to start thinking about divorce and splitting up the house. The 6 month space thing is utter bollocks if you are seeing that c*nt whilst you're supposed to be deciding about whether or not you want to be with me. I just need to move on now for myself and the kids. We can go and see a family mediator or something but I'm not prepared to wait around if you are seeing someone else. I've had as much as I can take and it hurts too much x
Her: Ok. Book an appt then. I will fight you tooth and nail to keep this house as I put thousands in it. I get a loan.for the 8 grand and see you through CSA. I wanted space
Me: You've really fucked us over. I didn't ask for any of this. You've hurt me more than you know and I'm allowed to vent - I haven't even been unreasonable. We will talk tomorrow. x
Me: My whole world has been broken and continues to be ripped apart day by day. I think I need to get counselling myself as it is stopping me function properly and causing outbursts like that. I don't really know what to do. I just want to wake up one day and everything is ok again
Her: I agreed to counseling, I asked for time. My heart is breaking too. I want you like you deserved loved not just coast along and be unhappy. I am deeply sorry I have hurt you and I swing between thinking I made the biggest mistake to feeling that I can breathe and think. I will always love you, but it's not enough. I wanted time apart to get myself right Why can't you just give me sum fuckin space? Why? Am going to sleep now. I want us to be a family whether we together or not thats separate.
Me: Try to imagine loving someone for 15 years, thinking you'll spend your life with them, then one day you find out they've been seeing someone else, and they will continue to see them even though you forgave them when you found out. Its utterly horrific and although there's no excuse for me losing it that is why I feel so messed up. I don't know how I'm going to recover from this but I need to which is why we need to see a consellor and sort it properly. You have asked me to understand your recent actions which are 1000 times more hurtful than what I did tonight and 1000 time less forgiveable. We just need to get through this first rollercoaster and then things may calm down, even if we never get back together
Her: I dont have to.imagine I have and continue you, just not like you deserve to be loved. I would love to.get the relationship back.on track but I need some fuckin space. Stop texting it not fair am
Ill I need space. Just let it be for tonight. Please.
Me: I'll stop texting and I love you. Tomorrows another day. I hate arguing with you. Night x

AnAirOfHope Mon 04-Mar-13 23:00:00

Have you told her you have made an appointment with a lawyer?

What was you trying to communicate about with your ex? When emotions are running high its sometimed a good idea to take a brake for a few days. Dont see her dont txt her, get some space and think about what you need and want or just dont think at all just take a step back from the drama.

AnAirOfHope Mon 04-Mar-13 23:16:53


I agree with your wife. Stop txting

You still think you have a relationship with your wife but you dont its over. You cant make someone love you and why would you want to?

Your wife loves you like a brother not a lover. She respects you as the Father of her children and relises you will both be in their lives but you dont get to be with her anymore.

Its blunt but the truth. The game plan has changed and you need to greave for the life and love that you have lost.

How can she miss you if you dont leave her alone. Yes its hard but to not do it is abusive.

You need a lawyer, you will have to sell the house and split the money so you both can rent or buy somewhere to live or for one of you to buy the other out but you need a lawyer to send that in writing to your wife.

So your plan should be;
1) stay away from the family home, do not call your wife or txt her untill its your time to see the kids
2) make an appointment with a lawyer
3) can you stay with family untill the house is sold or untill your wife takes on the mortage and give you your share of the equaty? If not then you will have to stay in the family home untill it is sold or you are bought out.

AnAirOfHope Mon 04-Mar-13 23:27:32

Also going thru csa is not a bad thing and should not be taken as the threat it was intended to be as you know you have to financialy support you children.

Do not have a joint account with your ex as she could get you into debt. If you have a joint account you need to see the bank and take your name off it and stop your wages going in and work out the maintance you need to pay and when.

I guess im saying you need to financaly detact from her asap.

skaboy Mon 04-Mar-13 23:30:08

The last thing I want to do is spend time in the same house as her. I need a clean break whatever. This is such a mess

AnAirOfHope Mon 04-Mar-13 23:37:45

When im being blunt I should also say you sound very dependant emotionally on your wife.

Maybe you should go out or do something just for you. Start finding yourself again. Or do something new that you have wanted to try.

Stop using "i have to learn how to be single again" as a threat to your wife eg your fucking someone else so im going to as well. Its just childish.

Your best bet is to remain emotionless and sort the pratical stuff out and not communicate with her about personal stuff. Remain calm cool detacted and factual. Do not be drawn back into the drama.

AnAirOfHope Mon 04-Mar-13 23:42:13

It is not a mess, its just a failed relationship.

You still have you and your kids and you are a family.

You will have a new life and more time to do what you want to.

At 14 your kids can chose to live with you. They have a chose to live with you.

Skyebluesapphire Mon 04-Mar-13 23:44:26

The space thing is a load of shit. My XH walked out saying he needed space but kept on texting OW. If she was genuinely confused she would stop contact with both of you.

If you want to move out then do that. It's not all about her. Who gets what regarding the house will be decided by mediation or a court. If its legally owned 50/50 then that's the point they start from. It doesn't matter who put what in.

But please do not communicate with her any more for your own sake, other than stuff regarding the children. It won't do you any good.

skaboy Tue 05-Mar-13 06:57:19

Thanks for the advice. I know I'm not helping matters by communicating more than I should. The six months thing is bollocks and has an emotional hold on me. So I need to break from it somehow. I can only see myself getting right by getting a place of my own and having a seperate life

CabbageLeaves Tue 05-Mar-13 07:15:05

It's so tricky. You need to communicate but not communicate as the texts you've pasted.

She does need space but that doesn't mean you have to be a doormat and wait on her decisions.

It's hard, this point in time, because you're teetering between split up and fight for the relationship How you behave in one situation is incompatible with the other situation and you end up with mixed communications which confuse everyone. You both need space to come to decisions about the future.

Once you are clear in your own heads you will then communicate on just that agenda.

If at all possible I'd negotiate a complete embargo on all conversation about the relationship unless in counselling or agreed controlled meetings. Hard but possibly helpful. Also set a timescale for a decision.

skaboy Tue 05-Mar-13 07:33:27

That sounds fair. I might suggest that tactic. I think its naturally heading for that anyway in some senses. We're in different places though as she is with someone else and trying to call all the shots wrt the kids, house etc. Whereas I am effectively single, no fixed abode and no grounding to speak of at the minute. I think I need to get a six months let somewhere, offer shared custody of kids and I'll pay my half of the mortgage in that time. I would be mega skint but at least I'd be able to get some head space.

AnAirOfHope Tue 05-Mar-13 08:27:22

You dont need her permission to rent your own place. Just do it.

ProphetOfDoom Tue 05-Mar-13 11:58:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnAirOfHope Tue 05-Mar-13 12:16:04

What do you want to happen?

How do you see your life being?

skaboy Tue 05-Mar-13 12:51:45

Solicitor appointment, relate counselling (to seperate amicably) and house view all booked!

Short term, I want to get out of the grief cycle I'm in, move out and have the kids 50/50. I obviously want the wife to get better too so maybe when the resentment dies down I can support her, but I need some time away from her at the moment. I can't think long term yet, but perhaps an exit from the mortgage and to build a new life should be the goal. I'd be lying if I said that there isn't part of me that hopes one day we might get back together, but there is another part of me that wishes otherwise. Its very difficult bouncing from different emotions at the moment, but I'm trying to plough through it! The solicitor said on the phone that its not time to get too far down he legal road yet, but he will give me some info when we meet.

Skyebluesapphire Tue 05-Mar-13 13:03:12

you can separate without starting a divorce, but you do need to know what your rights are so that you can be prepared.

AnAirOfHope Tue 05-Mar-13 14:13:28

You are on an emotional rollercaster and will be for some time, use this thread to help you.

If you get the urge to txt her write it down and wait abit then see if you really needed to txt her.

Lots of people here are going thru the same thing and can help. Also your experiance might help others.

Its hard not being with the person you have spent 15 years with and im guessing you were young when you got together. Is this the first time you will have lived alone as a adult?

Life will get better for you, just hang in there untill it does.

skaboy Tue 05-Mar-13 14:28:04

Bowled over by the support I've had on here to be honest. I was 21 when I met her and being single is a bit scary.

That's a really good idea about the texts. I almost want to hide the phone from myself sometimes.

I think I've had the worst of the shocks now: finding out about the affair, split up, found out she is still seeing him. It can't really get any worse now can it?

I'm trying to make plans and keep busy. I will wobble sometimes but I need to take ownership of my situation. Looking forward to a time when things are better!

AnAirOfHope Tue 05-Mar-13 16:38:35

With regards to your ex have you talked about introducing the om to your children?

Its a good idea to ask her to wait so the children get use to you living part first before introducting them to the man that split you up.

skaboy Tue 05-Mar-13 18:33:28

I honestly can't see them taking to him in that regard. She has said she won't have him round the children and I believe her.

AnAirOfHope Tue 05-Mar-13 18:44:44

She will at some point in the future.

Doha Tue 05-Mar-13 19:04:51

And she is continually asking for space-keeping you hanging on for 6 months to see how this all pans out.
Stop declaring your love for her and telling her how hurt you are SHE DOES NOT CARE.
See a solicitor, get yourself a place to stay and go for joint custody.

ProphetOfDoom Tue 05-Mar-13 20:43:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ProphetOfDoom Tue 05-Mar-13 20:53:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

skaboy Wed 06-Mar-13 06:04:12

No worries about the typos. Really appreciate all the teplies which have genuinely informed and encouraged me through all this. Looking at a house today. Fingers crossed!

Doha Wed 06-Mar-13 08:26:00

Good luck Skaboy with the house.
This is your first step towards your future with your DC's. When living away from your wife you can start making plans or the future--your future without her. Please do not text her, give her the information only that she NEEDS to know not all the details, they are no longer any of her business.
Once away l think you will see just how awful your wife's behaviour and expectations are.
Can l ask how the DC's are coping and what they are aware of?

skaboy Wed 06-Mar-13 09:33:17

Well the older two know its an affair that has caused it whilst the younger 2 are only aware we have seperated and that I'm staying away for a bit. I will have to sit down and talk to them, probably tonight if possible. Yep my texts are pretty infrequent short and only ever practical at the moment and I aim to keep it that way.

I'm already seeing her actions for what they are. I have zero respect and trust for her as a wife (I still obv respect her as the mother of my kids) and she is regularly lying to my face-she knows it and she knows I know. Once it hurt, now it just irritates.

The six months falacy is now becoming the six months I need to get away from her and regain my happiness

AnAirOfHope Wed 06-Mar-13 09:50:14

Good morning, good luck with house hunting.

skaboy Wed 06-Mar-13 11:22:51

I've just had the biggest lot of abuse, emotional blacknmail and threats thrown at me for wanting to move out. I can't win here. Its really knocked me back

AnAirOfHope Wed 06-Mar-13 12:42:14

You wife is an aduser and she is adusing you.

She wants to have sex with this new man but have you to provide money and childcare. Aduse is not love. Your wife wants to control ypu to get what she wants. Thst is not love.

She has no right to treat you like that, you deserve better.

Best way to deal with this is by setting boundries. Only contact her about the children, get a new phone and only use the old one for her. Do not reply or turn off phone if she rants. Do not engage in the conversation. See children at weekends away from the familu home.

You need to detatch from her emotional black mail and take back control.

AnAirOfHope Wed 06-Mar-13 13:00:27

Read the red flags thread in relationship and see how meny your wife uses.

Also she is the one that had the affair and broke the family unit and more importantly your relationship. She no longer has the right to say how things will be. She should be doing all she can to make it better not adusing you.

Stay strong ((((hugs))))

Skyebluesapphire Wed 06-Mar-13 13:26:48

She has to accept that you have feelings and that you have a right to do what you want to do. It is not all about her.

My XH walked out, announced it was over but didnt want a divorce. That was not his decision to make!

carelessdad Wed 06-Mar-13 15:27:23

Skaboy, you have to think about the practicalities of who is going to look after the kids and where will they live in the future. This should be your first priority. I know that you said before that you would like a 50/50 residence for them –is this really practical? Could they all spend a week with their mother, and then a week with you? Is her health up to this? Can she get them up, washed, dressed and off to school in her week with them? If the answer to all this is no, you have some serious thinking to do so, as it is going to be no good for you to have to step into the breach and then take care of them during her weeks. If it is the case that you honestly think that you would have to intervene when she is unwell, you really should consider having them live with you and for her to have say an extended alternative weekend. Also do try to think what the elder kids would want – if they may want the stability of spending the majority of their time with one parent, I suspect that you should respect this.

What I am trying to say is that there is your wife’s serious health problems do make this an abnormal situation, where the conventional wisdom of what is right for the kids may not be applicable. One of the worst things you could do is to give them uncertainty.

Once you have decided what is best for the kids, then you can decide what position do you want to take on the house, the money and everything else going forward.

SnowSeaandMotorboats Wed 06-Mar-13 16:05:07

Skaboy, just read this and wanted to let you know you have someone else on your side. PLEASE take care of yourself, get counselling for yourself if you can and ask your rl friends for support.

A friend of mine went through something similar many years ago and still bears the emotional scars, but I know that if he'd been less of hisi idea of how a "man" should be at the time and talked to someone then he'd be in a far better place now. I'd love him to talk to someone now, but I know he'd just scoff at the idea. So I'm really pleased to hear that you are open to accepting help.

One word of advice: don't worry about what your children will think of you in years to come. My friend had similar worries and was told by his mum that the kids would work out for themselves who the good guy was despite their mother's attempts to badmouth him at every opportunity. 20 years on and he has a far better relationship with them all than she does and she hates it. But he's always been careful not to say anything bad about her to them and his care has paid off. The kids see the parents for what they are.

So, good luck with it all, keep us updated and take care.

Doha Wed 06-Mar-13 16:52:35

Skaboy she didn't think you would move out, that is why you are being threatened and using emotional blackmail, She is vile. She thought you would just sit around and let her get on with her affair while you continued to be the dotting dad and DH at home. Well her bubble has been burst and her plan has been thwarted.
How did you get on with the house you were viewing??
You must for your own sanity move out and l think you are right to explain to the DC's what is happening (she won't like it) but you must start to move on and make a future for you and your kids. If you can work out custody that you can have them most of the time all the better for them for stability and for you (D) wife's health.

MissLurkalot Wed 06-Mar-13 16:53:19

Where's that strong, fighting spirit Skaboy?
Come on.. You can do it!
Stay strong, stay positive.... We're all behind you... xxxx

skaboy Wed 06-Mar-13 17:11:35

My idea was joint custody, split child related costs down the middle. I didn't even get the chance to suggest that. The mere idea of me getting my own place caused mental armageddon. The house was ok, but there will be others and I have the support. I think I'm going to ride it out until the relate appt and then calmly suggest my ideas (I was willing to be flexible). Until then minimal contact.

Its a living nightmare but I'm going to stay strong and of course the messages and support here are helping immeasurably. You have no idea how much it means

Doha Wed 06-Mar-13 17:21:02

Are you living away just now? She just doesn't want the status quo to change--it suits her living this way.
Please do not engage in any discussion with her now outwith the relate appointment, you wont achieve anything but grief. Keep texts to a minimum about the DC's only.

skaboy Wed 06-Mar-13 17:43:22

Doha that is exactly what I intend to do now. There is no constructive way of handling this. I'm staying at a friends but dividing my time so I see kids as much as possible.

ProphetOfDoom Wed 06-Mar-13 17:57:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 06-Mar-13 18:03:00

Saw you post in another thread glad you have got advice here since starting your own thread.

Keep calm and as civil as you can be. She is lashing out either out of pure annoyance at things not going all her own way or trying to provoke you.

AnAirOfHope Fri 08-Mar-13 14:11:21

Hi how are you holding up?

Astelia Fri 08-Mar-13 14:32:37

Just catching up with this thread and feel very sad to hear how you are being treated. I am glad to see all the great advice here.

It sounds from what is going on like you should be the one who stays with the house and children while she moves out, as she can't cope at home with the children. Can your hours be made to work around school times? Can the younger two go to after school club?

I agree that the texting and letting her keep you dangling are not on. She needs to make her mind up now. Though really you should be making the decision to leave properly, not leaving it to her.

skaboy Fri 08-Mar-13 17:30:03

I'm having a bit of a holiday from it. Been out all night with friends, now she's away most of the weekkend. Not been texting her either apart from arrangements with the kids. Mentally I'm moving on-i don't want to get back with her because of how she has been.

However the practical stuff will need sorting out. It will have to be done with third partys because of the arguments it always seems to cause.

Doha Fri 08-Mar-13 17:35:01

Hiya Skaboy l am so glad you are having a break becuase this has been full on for quite a few weeks now.
Have a good stress free weekend with the kids. You are probably wise to make arrangements through a 3rd party but have you managed to seek legal advice yet. That is a priority.

AnAirOfHope Fri 08-Mar-13 19:53:15

Have a good weekend and I hope everything works out for you.

skaboy Fri 08-Mar-13 23:32:53

Its been nice to see the kids this weekend. The wife hasn't csalled them snd turned her phne off and they were asking questions. I think she should treat them a little better than that but she will be the one who loses out by behaving like that.

AnAirOfHope Sat 09-Mar-13 12:42:05

How do you know she has turned her phone off?

AnAirOfHope Sat 09-Mar-13 12:53:01

Also you are looking after the children why do you need to contact her? If I was your wife I would only expect a call if one of my kids was hurt and I would only call at night to wishes them sweetdreams.

How she handles her relationship with the kids is her business. When they are with you just consentrat on them.

Info your wife should tell you are things like;
Event the kids have arranged like birthday partys or activities on weekends
If they are sick, dr, dentist appointment and medical info
Parents evenings and school trips (this can come from all the kids as they areold enough to talk)

skaboy Wed 20-Mar-13 16:18:13

Ok, haven't updated for a while because I've mainly been keeping my head down trying to move on and only having minimal contact with the wife. I've been staying back in the house because I have come to the conclusion that I shouldn't be the one to leave and the kids really need me around rather than being a bit-part dad. I have always been the main parent in a practical sense.

However I don't think this arrangement will be sustainable in the long run and plan to get more structured help to resolve it. Tonight is our first couple counselling session. I'm a bit nervous to be honest. The aim is not to get back together, but to deal with this situation without arguing.

Stuff I want to say/find out:

Whether or not this 'six months to sort her head out' is bollocks (I am pretty sure it is).
To tell her that we have to make our plans based on the kids welfare first and foremost.
To say that I cannot continue to play the 'family unit' under the same roof while she is seeing someone else. I don't know how this can be resolved though.
To tell her I don't think I am going to be able to hang around just in case she changes her mind. To be honest I have withdrawn a lot over the past few weeks, lost a lot of trust and respect for her, and begun to find myself again after 15 years of being in a relationship.

Not sure what else to say but hopefully this will be positive whatever happens

I'm not sure you should have gone back but you need to do what you feel is best for you and the DCs.
I hope the session goes as planned later.
Good luck.

ProphetOfDoom Wed 20-Mar-13 20:07:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

skaboy Wed 20-Mar-13 20:57:19

Cheers for the advice. The main reason I'm here is for the kids- they are used to me being the go to guy. Additionally, if I move out, legally I could be thought of as abandoning them. I think at some point someone needs to move out and I don't think it should be me.

The counselling session was pretty good in the sense that some ground rules were set: no talking about hectic stuff outside of counselling, put the kids first etc. I am going to get out more and so is she. She said she still hadn't slept with the guy and was 'havving some space from him' but wanted to use the next six months to decide what she wants. I said I'm not working to any timescale now and will sort myself out. I don't really see why I should be tied to someone elses decision. Also she has lied a lot so I'm not taking anything she says as gospel.

One other thing I learned: the other guy has a long term partner of 15 years as well. Someone said upthread that they thought my wife might be stalling for time because of something being held up at his end. That rang a bell with me.

The overriding feeling I have is one of trying to get away from this situation but to do it in the most painless way for everyone. Its going to be difficult and there is no quick fix.

whateverhernameis Wed 20-Mar-13 21:08:33

You are right, there is no quick fix, but YOU need to decide what YOU want. Like you say, you cant hang around for six months while she waits for her lover to leave his partner makes up her mind .

You do not deserve to be second best. Find your feet, find your own life and carry on now as a single man.

My XH pulled the same trick. "I no longer feel the same, I don't want to be here anymore, but who knows, I may feel different in three months or six months"...

I divorced him,

carelessdad Wed 20-Mar-13 22:21:34

See a solicitor. File for divorce, custody of the kids, and a solid financial provision to enable you to take care of them.

It will focus her mind wonderfully on what she wants to do. If she decides her future is with you and the children, you can stop the divorce proceedings in an instant. If she decides that she doesn’t want you, you’ve avoided prolonging the agony for everyone.

Otherwise I can see you still being in the same situation in six months time. Only older, embittered, and the kids more messed up in their minds.

WafflyVersatile Wed 20-Mar-13 22:36:14

I don't think it should be you who leaves the family home either. Living under the same roof is unsustainable. Get legal advice.

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