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found knickers, not mine!

(148 Posts)
sammerinna Sun 17-Feb-13 09:06:19

BF returned on Sat' from working on big construction proj' in Middle East. Whilst emptying his sports bag this morning. I was surprised that all clothes within were freshly washed, not folded, but clean. Also within were a pair of flimsy, pink knickers, clean, and way to small to be mine or for me. He had to go away again this morning for a meeting and is back tomorrow eve'. Haven't confronted him yet. He does have a lot of laddish mates out there. I don't know I'm clutching at straws here.. help! advice please!!!

Geordieminx Sun 17-Feb-13 09:08:16

Could be one if his mates putting them in there for "a laugh" or if his washing was all clean then perhaps they got mixed up at the hotel laundry?

Or.. Well...

noddyholder Sun 17-Feb-13 09:09:13

We have had this before can't remember the outcome though!

HollyBerryBush Sun 17-Feb-13 09:10:47

My 50p bet says his mates.

If they were worn knickers I might have another opinion.

Similarly if he room shares, and one of his mates had a dolly bird back, he might have scooped up errant items when he packed.

1001 totally reasonable explanations.

The question is - do you trust him?

sammerinna Sun 17-Feb-13 09:19:49

I do trust him.... but they do lots of boozing and I know there are some rather annoyingly attractive, "sociable" women out there too. ... I can't get him on the phone until tonight. Never before have his clothes come back clean!

Selba Sun 17-Feb-13 09:20:04

i've never understood how unexpected knickers could really mean infidelity. If you have sex ( especially with someone you are not supposed to) surely you don't then leave without your knickers?

Also I'm curious as to why you were emptying his bag

Selba Sun 17-Feb-13 09:20:54

I think you should wear them on your head when he walks in the door

HollyBerryBush Sun 17-Feb-13 09:22:21

Don't ask on the phone. Wait till he gets back.

I would just be standing there, twirling them round on the end of my finger with a look. But then, I'm used to unpacking all sorts of bizarre things after a golf holiday ....

sammerinna Sun 17-Feb-13 09:22:55

Yes HollyBerryBush I agree. Soiled would have been worse, in every way.

Hotel laundry cock up?

sammerinna Sun 17-Feb-13 09:26:59

I don't know either. But waking up still half pissed, the blokes gotta catch a flight, he grabs clothes stuffs them in bag. Fuck knows... Also if I don't empty his sodding bag it sits here for eternity.

sammerinna Sun 17-Feb-13 09:30:04

Hotel laundry cock up is what I reckon too - they are clean!

Lavenderhoney Sun 17-Feb-13 09:34:38

If they had been washed by a laundry they will have a laundry label on then, a small tag thing glued on. They do mix things up as well so it's possible.

Otherwise you could comment on the outstanding quality of his clothes ( has it happened before, all washed and ironed?) and then produce the knickers.

He isn't a secret knicker wearer is he? Are they too small for him? Does he have to share a room? That seems unlikely to me tbh, his mates doing that.

What's your gut feeling? And why are you doing his washing?!!

onetiredmummy Sun 17-Feb-13 09:36:40

Has there been a reason to suspect infidelity before, OP?

Pendipidy Sun 17-Feb-13 09:39:52

People who say why are you emptying his bag and doing his washing - this site is so over pc sometimes. The majority of women do their husbands washing and ironing. I would empty the bag too if he just left it sitting around!

sammerinna Sun 17-Feb-13 09:50:00

First off - If I don't do the washing it doesn't get done! My fault, my shame possibly, probably, but that's how it is. My gut feeling or maybe my worse fear is that he's a cheating fucker. He doesn't share a room. No tags or laundry labels anywhere. saying that though, his stuff must have been washed by hotel laundry, (he certainly wouldn't), knicker confusion there, clothes put in his room and he in customary fashion just stuffed them in his bag. Yes that's it... 'Deep breath'

sammerinna Sun 17-Feb-13 09:51:12

thanks Pendipidy. Was feeling a bit 'got at' there.

HollyBerryBush Sun 17-Feb-13 09:53:45

I don't understand the washing thing either; this forum is frankly odd at times.

I can only assume that all the women who don't do partners washing, neither cook for them, make a cup of tea nor expect their partners to do the same for them Must be like flatmates.

But what I want to know is: all this non washing of partners stuff, is there like a rotation for communal things such as bedlinen?

sammerinna Sun 17-Feb-13 09:54:26

My Sis' too just suggested his mates having a laugh. Trouble is, I've never heard him saying how they nailed one of his mates by stuffing knickers in his suitcase before. I know men are twats sometimes, but that's very schoolboy! Mmm yes I see what you mean.

HollyBerryBush Sun 17-Feb-13 09:55:26

Inflatable sheep - now thats one to explain grin

sammerinna Sun 17-Feb-13 09:57:07

kids up now, back later. Thank you all for advice. x

MorrisZapp Sun 17-Feb-13 09:58:15

Me and DP have separate laundry baskets and each take care of our own stuff. I do the bedding too, DP usually does the towels.

I don't understand 'if I don't do it it doesn't get done' if both partners work. If you are SAHM then doing his laundry makes sense but otherwise wtf.

TheSecondComing Sun 17-Feb-13 10:00:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HollyBerryBush Sun 17-Feb-13 10:01:07

Do you mow half the lawn each too? and wash half a car?

Nowt queerer than folks!

HecateWhoopass Sun 17-Feb-13 10:03:34

If his clothes normally come back dirty but this time they are clean, then my paranoid mind would leap instantly to - they smelled of another woman/a woman's perfume/had makeup on them/etc. And he scooped up all the dirty clothes in his room and got the hotel to launder them, not realising these knickers were on the floor under his or whatever, and so they got laundered too and everything was brought back to him in a pile, which he just put straight into his bag without checking.

But it could be anything and if you've no other reason to think it's the above, then go with laundry cock up or mates pissing about.

ZenNudist Sun 17-Feb-13 10:04:16

Breezy question: ooh your clothes are clean - how come?

See what his reaction is, banter about how he should def do same in future, save adding to laundry pile. Then slyly ask about the pants. Make sure you can see his face for sign of recognition or shock.

If it was hotel laundry they would be very neatly folded & possibly wrapped.

How much time does he spend there?

MadAboutHotChoc Sun 17-Feb-13 10:06:57

These can't have been washed by the hotel laundry - these all should have been tagged, ironed and professionally folded. I know because DH travels a lot for work.

DontmindifIdo Sun 17-Feb-13 10:20:46

the clothes being washed suggests he did at some point have access to a washing machine, and that he did it himself not via the laundry (as htey would have ironed/folded as well). Often when I do the washing, I'll miss a pair of pants or a sock in the machine or the tumble dryer which would come out in the next wash - if a woman had washed her stuff just before him in a commual washing machine or used a commual drier, it's perfectly possible it would come out with that, and if he's just shoved it all in his bag, it's got mixed up.

I would be more suspicious of dirty knickers, let's face it, why would a woman not only leave without her pants, but wash and dry them then leave them? not logical at all.

And I do most of DH's washing.

kalidanger Sun 17-Feb-13 10:31:18

Do not mention them to him on the phone. You need to see his face while he explains. Don't give him the opportunity to think up an excuse.

But in this case it does seem like it could be a laundry mix up... Things come back from hotel laundries in a tagged bag, not individually tagged garments.

As an aside; is putting knickers in their mates bags something that men do to each other?? This is going in the 'What? Really?' file along with posh wanks hmm

GloryWhole Sun 17-Feb-13 10:35:22

My initial thought would be that the OW had put the knickers in the bag so that i would find them... [hmmm]

But, then, i don't have a very high opinion of the majority of men at the moment!

Guntie Sun 17-Feb-13 10:51:52

I've stayed in all sorts of hotels in the middle east and it would be really obvious if they had been washed by the hotel. They would be expertly starched and ironed, including the knickers. If they were washed and just folded I would bet they were not done by the hotel. It is highly suspect that he has come back with a set of women's underwear.

Do you know what hotel he was staying in? You could easily call them and question the bill to find out if their was laundry charged to it. I have done this countless times as I was only allowed a certain laundry allowance each trip and would sometimes call to check how much they had charged me.

I also wash my DHs clothes. When he comes back from a trip he is exhausted. I unpack the bags and get the loads on quickly. Takes all of 5 minutes of effort, and its a nice thing to do.

I honestly am hugely surprised by the vitriol of people saying they wouldn't do it, or do laundry separately. Do you not separate your laundry by colours? (Genuine question) I wash darks/colours/whites/wools separately. If I then only did mine I would never have enough to put a load in the machine?! Just makes more sense to me to wash all the darks in the house rather than just my own.

OP, I hope this turns out to be nothing, but it is highly suspect if you ask me..

ZenNudist Sun 17-Feb-13 10:51:55

To add to the comments about doing/not doing partner's laundry. I don't do much of dh's laundry. He has a separate wash basket in his office, mine is in the hall, ds's is in his room. I will ask dh if he wants me to add anything when I do a certain colour wash. If I have space in the wash I will raid his basket. He never thinks to wash mine or ds's clothes. It's just how we work things. I work 4 days he works full time.

We only unpack out own stuff. My bag will stay in a spare room, his in his office. If he leaves it there for a month I don't care. I'm not going to do everything for him. It's not a PC thing. I just don't have the time or the inclination.

seb1 Sun 17-Feb-13 10:52:21

On holiday I did 3 loads of washing and if it hadn't been for my OCD tendencies I would have left a sock or something in the washer after each load maybe the person who used the washing machine before him wasn't as OCD at checking and checking as me. grin

Branleuse Sun 17-Feb-13 10:58:46

what kind of bastard friend would plant a pair of womens knickers in a mates suitcase for their wife to find. Thats not really something that would actually happen is it. I also think its unlikely one pair of knickers would get mixed up from someone elses wash, but nothing else.

I would be very very suspicious. If not livid/devastated.

Bluemonkeyspots Sun 17-Feb-13 11:02:36

grin at morris' separate laundry baskets. Mumsnet relationships never fail to surprise me!

Sorry op but hopefully you have had a few smiles from this thread. I would leave the knickers lying somewhere in view when he comes home. His reaction will tell you all you need to know.

Scenario : dh decides not to go on a night out with mates & instead goes to launderette and washes clothes as has decided to save you a job. Mates in piss take fashion decide to plant the knickers in there hmm

Or maybe he ran out of clothes & decided he might as well wash the whole lot? And the knickers were left behind in the same machine..

I would be worrying about it too though. And agree don't mention it on the phone.

And I also wash the clothes. And he does sometimes too.

Branleuse Sun 17-Feb-13 11:07:57

dont tell him about the knickers maybe. Tell him that you know about the other woman.

One single incident on its own is way too easy to make up excuses for

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Sun 17-Feb-13 11:16:08

Shitty thing is, once the seed is planted - it stays sad I hope you can get it sorted and you are happy with the outcome.

ILoveBagels Sun 17-Feb-13 12:00:01

are you sure he was definitely staying in a hotel?

LadyLapsang Sun 17-Feb-13 12:19:33

Are you sure he was staying in a hotel, when my DH was out there his company paid for a shared apartment with washing machine etc. and it was all men staying there. Personally I wouldn't mention the knickers (& not leave them hanging around) until I had found out a few things 1. Where was he staying? 2. His explanation for the washing being done? I would just say, Oh darling this is a nice change, no dirty washing to do - did you have a washing machine? Then wait.

So, if he was staying in an all male apartment why would there be knickers in his washing? Unless the washing looked like it had been done professionally I would wonder if he had been staying / visited by a woman and she has done his washing.

LadyLapsang Sun 17-Feb-13 12:21:36

Should add that lots of apartments come with maids - DH raved about the standard of cleanliness but that would not explain knickers in the washing.

badinage Sun 17-Feb-13 12:21:54

I don't think it's unreasonable to comment on a bloke who would leave a bag unpacked with clothes unwashed until someone else did it for him, which is what the OP said. There's a big difference between somone unpacking a bag and putting clothes in the laundry basket - and not even bothering to unpack and leave a case untouched.

So the impression I'm getting is of a bloke who thinks unpacking and washing is 'women's work', who's got laddish mates and who gets drunk on trips. Not a huge leap then to think that he might have been up to no good and I can see why the OP thinks that's possible too, although if he's busted no doubt he'll blame it on the 'sociable' women who made him do it.

ImperialBlether Sun 17-Feb-13 12:29:08

OK first of all are you absolutely sure he was in the ME? Did you phone him on a landline there? Did you see him off on the plane?

Secondly are you sure he stayed in a hotel there? Are there other signs he was in a hotel, eg receipts?

Those clothes were not washed in a hotel. He can't say they are; they simply wouldn't look like that. In any case, why would he get all his washing done just before coming home?

You could always phone the hotel and say you're his secretary and sorting out his receipts and there doesn't seem to be one for laundry and ask whether he's mislaid it.

It's a horrible feeling, isn't it?

VBisme Sun 17-Feb-13 12:35:34

I used to work away from home and get my laundry done before I came home so that DH and I didn't have to do it.

However I do agree that the laundry would be ironed and folded with a laundry label glued in.

Helltotheno Sun 17-Feb-13 12:41:06

So surprised people think adults doing their own laundry is weird... In our house, everyone has a separate laundry basket; granted, that's partially training for my dc since i am effed if I'm going to be their slave for the next ten years when they have full use of their limbs...
Obviously other jobs are more communal, such as cooking, mowing the lawn etc...

But my dh likes to know where his stuff is at any given time and would consider it seriously odd if i started unpacking his bag, sorting thru his smalls...see comment above re having full use of limbs!

I tend to agree with badinage's not really because of the knickers though. You should just ask him face to face.

Lastofthepodpeople Sun 17-Feb-13 12:49:48

Hi, I've had other people's underwear in my laundry before! This was when I went to an independent laundromat rather than the hotel one. They just put it in a bag, and depending on the service you pay for, it might not be folded.

If he did it himself, it could have been the knickers were left at the bottom of the machine by someone else and he didn't notice when stuffing all the laundry into the bag.

If you have no other reason to suspect infidelity, I wouldn't immediately assume he's guilty.

MrsWeasley Sun 17-Feb-13 12:51:15

Oh dear, Sorry but it could be he is seeing someone whilst away she knows about you or suspects so she put them there to let you know about her? Sorry

WafflyVersatile Sun 17-Feb-13 13:01:37

I'd maybe say that you were going to put his stuff in the wash but it was already clean and ask a question around that or just see what he says.

The hotel he stayed at did his laundry unbidden? Does he always stay at the same place?
He hand washed all of his clothes in the sink for some reason?
The hotel had a laundry service for once so he thought he might as well use it as he feels guilty that you always end up doing it?
He spilled something in his bag so used the laundry service?
His mates did it is a bit coincidental with the laundry being done for the first time too. I'm not sure about that.
He was afraid that the evidence of another woman would be detected on his clothes for some reason so had them cleaned then cocked up his deceit by not noticing the knickers?
A woman he slept with or who would have like to have slept with him put them in there so you would find them? Hard to see how a spurned woman would have access to his bag, and again that would be a bit coincidental with the laundry being done on the same trip.

Of course if he was up to no good he possibly already has a reason for the laundry being done lined up (even though he presumably doesn't know those knickers are there) so asking about that without mentioning the knickers maybe not reveal anything.

minicreamegg Sun 17-Feb-13 13:12:41

leave the knickers on the floor at night, if he gets up and says 'have u been buying new underwear' he's in the clear, if he hides them, he's not in the clear. Or let him put his own stuff away and see what he does with then.

PinkCanary Sun 17-Feb-13 13:17:00

I once had a mini panic when I found someone else's knickers in our dryer. Then I remembered I'd let my neighbour borrow it a couple of weeks earlier when hers was on the blink. Items like that are easily mislaid.

sammerinna Sun 17-Feb-13 15:32:21

Yes that scenario occurred to me too. Don't know what to think. I will confront him in person though. I know his mates out there have hotel tarts. I'm depressed more than anything.

sammerinna Sun 17-Feb-13 16:02:37

Yes good theory. Something like that occurred to me too. I know for a fact there are plenty of hotel tarts out there. Size 8's!!! That's what I hate about this. I couldn't wear them as an ankle bracelet. Why couldn't they be huge??

sammerinna Sun 17-Feb-13 16:04:08

sorry for repeat post. new here!

AnyFucker Sun 17-Feb-13 16:06:21

"hotel tarts"

what are they ?

Do you mean his "mates" use prostituted women out there ?

Do you trust your husband not to fall into the same practice ?

sammerinna Sun 17-Feb-13 16:27:44

By Hotel tarts I mean there are quite a few nurses, nannies, secretaries out there who drink with and get off with married men in the private drinking clubs. Often they end up in hotels and apartment complexes, and no doubt knickerless in the morning.. I know, I know, they're not all tarts and they don't all cop off with married men and I'm sorry for generalising. .. It fucking hurts not knowing.

I do trust him, But if he did fuck around how would I know? He took part in a documentary about building the Shard. The company got loads of emails and letters from women wanting his contact details. A production assistant I got to know quite well told me this, needless to say I never told him...

sammerinna Sun 17-Feb-13 16:35:40

BTW he stayed in an apartment complex. I just spoke to his mates wife. She said hers came back with mostly clean washing too. She's gonna enquire as to the laundry regime and let me know.

Foggles Sun 17-Feb-13 16:39:54

Tumble dryer plus static can mean items are left behind / attached to the next customers.

ImperialBlether Sun 17-Feb-13 16:40:05

Do they have a cleaner in the apartment? A housekeeper?

Is your husband the sort of person who thinks what happens on tour, stays on tour? Does he tell you about his friends going with women over there?

sammerinna Sun 17-Feb-13 16:49:33

Yes he tells me all (I think). Flabbergasting some of it. His mate's wife told me as far as she can tell. they leave washing in baskets in room and every other day its picked up, brought back clean, folded and put back on the wardrobe floor. Her's, like mine, don't bother putting clothes away, as that would mean lifting them up and placing them in drawer, so that aint gonna happen! They just put stuff back on.

ImperialBlether Sun 17-Feb-13 16:50:41

Did you tell this woman about the knickers? Does she know about the women who hover around these men?

sammerinna Sun 17-Feb-13 16:51:28

No I don't think he thinks that way. He's fallen out with a couple of mates who've had affairs whilst 'on tour'.

Pancakeflipper Sun 17-Feb-13 16:52:26

I think it's a laundry cock-up and out there is a size 8 lady looking at a pair of underpants trying to explain to her partner how the hell they ended up in her luggage.

sammerinna Sun 17-Feb-13 16:53:58

No I din't mention Knickers. I kept it in the general enquiry category. Just in case she tells her bloke and he tips him off somehow.

lolaflores Sun 17-Feb-13 16:58:05

Stuff a pair of "strange" mens undercrackers into his bag for the flight out. See what happens?

Damash12 Sun 17-Feb-13 16:58:10

Well... Erm... I'm agreeing with Selba, Pmsl! I think you'll get the answer you want if you did that, just one look on his face will tell you. Look, my husband worked away and never....ever did a pair clean or otherwise pants turn up in his bag at the end of the week...EVER! Sorry to say Hun but I think a long chat will be in order. Good luck, please keep us updated as I'm very interested in his response.

sammerinna Sun 17-Feb-13 16:58:35

Yes she knows about the hovering women. I don't know her that well but she seemed quite philosophical about the risk of letting them loose over there.

Foggles Sun 17-Feb-13 17:00:16

It doesn't matter how much women hover if you trust your partner.

sammerinna Sun 17-Feb-13 17:05:26

this'llll be my angle . Many thanks.

carmenelectra Sun 17-Feb-13 21:10:00

OP I'm sure laundry does get mixed up occasionally in these situations but what bad luck it had to be tiny knickers. Now I'm a suspicious cow, I admit, but knickers? Not an odd sock, hanky or pair of boxers? Hmmm. I go with the poster who said put them on your head when you next greet him and watch his face.

Judging by what you are saying about his mates and the set up, I'd be highly suspicious. I'd be thinking along the lines that a woman/ women were there regularly, leading to lost knickers that got washed or spare clean ones!

Hope its an innocent explanation OP though.

As an aside, it amazes me the posters who jump in with irrelevant comments like 'why are you doing his laundry, tidying his bag?'

My dp doesn't work away(thank god) but if we all have been away, I empty all bags and suitcases. Not because he wouldn't but because I like clearing the clutter. Similarily I do the washing. I'm also amazed at the separate laundry basket situation! Jesus what a faff. I teach my kids to tidy up etc too but they can do that with one family wash basketsm

I think some women wouldn't do 'gender specific' stuff if their life depended on it. Me, I'm not proud. I'd rather do the washing while dp mows the lawns or puts up a shelf. Sorry but I don't want to break a nail smile who cares. So long as you all chip in?

Helltotheno Sun 17-Feb-13 21:57:44

I think some women wouldn't do 'gender specific' stuff if their life depended on it.

We each do everything, diy, cooking, the lot. Laundry is different tho.. if we want to know where each of our clothes are at any given time, best to take ownership of that (not separate washes you understand).
Separate laundry bags OTOH, an absolute winner. That way, each person puts their own stuff into the wash so that job isn't always on the slave just one person.
Unpacking another adult's suitcase/bag? Don't get it and never will so colour me weird.

Sorry for the derail OP, what's the latest update on Knickergate? Did the direct approach work?

badinage Sun 17-Feb-13 22:41:17

We don't have 'gender specific' tasks in our house either and ever since the kids were small, they unpacked their own cases when coming back from school trips or camps. So to me it's unthinkable that an adult man would leave one lying around 'cluttering up the place' and never did washing. As unthinkable as me never using a power drill or a lawnmower.

Mind you, I've never thought of women as 'tarts' either or feared that any partner would buckle against the onslaught of a horde of predatory women, so maybe there's a link there somewhere wink.

God never mention laundry on mumsnet..

What I don't get about the separate laundry piles is that it seems so inefficient unless you each have a massive wardrobe, surely these people aren't filling the washing machine? We only split our washes into lights and darks but its still more efficient to pool our dirty clothes?

Wish I had advice for the op but I don't, I wouldn't put all your cards on the table though, play it by ear, ask something more general and bring the knickers in later on.. hope it is the laundry service sad

ledkr Sun 17-Feb-13 23:10:52

Washing goes in basket. One of us puts some on. Later one if us notices its finished and hangs it to dry/ put in drier.
When dry one if us folds it a dumps it outside re"
Relevant rooms.
That's normal isn't it?
Any need op?

squeakytoy Sun 17-Feb-13 23:15:23

A small pair of knickers is easily mixed up in a tumble dryer or with other laundry.. I wouldnt jump to too many conclusions.

deleted203 Sun 17-Feb-13 23:20:01

grin @ Selba. I love the idea of wearing them on your head when he walks in the door!

I have to say that my initial thought is that whoever he was shacked up with has done his laundry and then deliberately put a pair of her own knickers in there as a smug way of leaving her mark.

I hope it's not, though.

ImperialBlether Sun 17-Feb-13 23:25:16

Sorry but that idea of putting them on your head really belittles the situation and makes it seem as though you're joking. It might be the sort of thing you'd do (I wouldn't) if your teenage son came home from university with some knickers in his bag, but not your husband who's been working away in an area where flings are rife.

BelindaCarlisle Mon 18-Feb-13 01:41:16

Men wouldn't be arsed to find pants to plant in a bag but looks like shit to me.

Selba Mon 18-Feb-13 02:32:23

It's not so much the communal sundry that baffles me ( although the idea it will never get done unless OP does it is a whole other story) it the unpacking of your partner's travel stuff.

BelindaCarlisle Mon 18-Feb-13 02:36:07

I know. Once had a thread on this. Doormat women imo

This thread isn't about who unpacks or washes what and making it about that is really unhelpful.

Sammerinna - from all the stuff you've said, I would say laundry mix up.
Hope you're feeling ok.

30ish Mon 18-Feb-13 07:25:56

I once came home from a hotel with someone else's knickers - they must have been lurking in the drawer when I unpacked and then I must have grabbed them when packing to come home. It happens.

Re: washing - you lot must have the highest water and electricity bills! We just chip in, one of us puts the washing in, whoever notices it's finished pops it in the dryer, one of us folds and puts it away. No problems. Rather simple!

nellyjelly Mon 18-Feb-13 07:35:06

So... What did he say op?

Lostonthemoors Mon 18-Feb-13 07:41:58

Just to add I've stayed in the ME and the hotel offered to do my laundry for almost nothing and it came back folded, clean but no tags or laundry marks. So no tags/marks doesn't mean much.

DH and I share all the washing - so he sometimes does mine, I sometimes do his. I agree with pp that the vast majority of households wash clothes together.

carmenelectra Mon 18-Feb-13 07:48:02

I must admit I have lol a bit over the idea that women who unpack dh or dp bag as a doormat. Hardly. Its not like my dp would throw a bag in hall with no intention of moving it which he sits and cracks open a I said, the only time he has bags is after a hol where there would be loads of mixed up clothes etc.

I agree too, that some people must have massive electricity bills for individual laundry! It must be all about proving a point that its not 'womens work'.I mainly do the washing but dp does sometimes chuck a wash on and does get it out and hang it out or put in dryer. I never mow the lawn or climb on big ladder up the loft or use a drill. What does that say about me?

Anyway sorry op this is not helpful at all and I'm as bad a s the posters who have turned this into a row about household chores.

I was joking about knickers on the head too. I would be furious about finding them. It wouldn't be a laughing matter.

sammerinna Mon 18-Feb-13 08:00:38

Re: Doormat, I work part-time, mostly from home. He's out from 5.30-7pm daily. Or he's abroad. I could tell him to do his half of laundry, mine and our 2 girls' couldn't I?. Housework etc. Though he's putting on a new roof to the house in the spring and I'm a bit worried he'd say 'Alright then, I'll all do the slating you can do the lead work darlin''.. Think what you like about me - it's my fault for growing up in a Fairy liquid commercial I suppose.
No developments on 'Knickergate' yet. He's back tonight around 11. It has to be in person. Not certain on the approach I'll take. HOpe it's nothing. What if he has no idea? Thinking out loud - Sorry must fly..

Sounds like a laundry mix up.

Helltotheno Mon 18-Feb-13 10:06:38

I agree too, that some people must have massive electricity bills for individual laundry!

Eh.. I said individual laundry bags not individual washes! Also, the fact that I think it most odd to be unpacking another adult's bag doesn't at all mean i think anyone who does that on a regular basis is a doormat.
The mixed tasks thing isn't a principle by the way, it's just the way things are for us.

Anyway let's focus on the job at hand, which is pink knickers iirc....

VenusRising Mon 18-Feb-13 10:16:07

They're probably the Phillapina maid's, either that or a child's: don't know which is worse actually.

Sorry to break it to you, but a lot goes on when the cat's away. I have a lot of friends who work in the Middle and Far east extra marital sex is always on the menu when the wives and kids are away.

Listen to your gut this evening and good luck. Hope it's just a laugh from the mates gone wrong, or a laundry mix up.

Listen carefully to what he has to say.

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 18-Feb-13 10:32:32

Let him do all the talking. Don't offer explanations or fill in the silences.

Locketjuice Mon 18-Feb-13 10:37:18

sad whatever the reason behind it which obviously no one can say, it could be from one extreme to the other, I hope you get the truth and as for all the comments about doing his washing etc, I do all my other halfs and all the housework and 90% of the baby 'work' he works I do the house... Works for us! smile

Locketjuice Mon 18-Feb-13 10:40:27

I would wait until he was back and say 'nice to know what you have been doing whilst away' watch his reactions and then pull the knickers out his face will surely be a huge give away one way or the other... Hopefully

Buzzardbird Mon 18-Feb-13 11:02:40

His face will give you the answer. I hope it's confusion you see.

You seem very level headed OP, either way you don't sound like a doormat to me.

HerbyVore Mon 18-Feb-13 11:16:16

I would approach it about the clean clothes first, not mention the underwear.

See what he says about that.

I think the fact that they are clean (thank heavens) probably means a Laundry mix-up.

I love how doing the washing = doormat, btw - lovely! grin

DH and I have separate laundry bins but that's because his clothes get dirtier than mine so generally need a longer wash.

I still do all the washing though.

<lays on floor by front door>

drizzlecake Mon 18-Feb-13 13:09:40

Quite often companies have properties that the overseas worker stays in so he would be in a house not a hotel.
I would query why a female 'maid' or similar would leave her pants in his stuff. Really not in her interests, DH isn't going to propose on his next visit and if she is making money from expat workers she will want that money to continue, not cause ructions in worker's life so he may not return.
But also think 'maids' don't get their washing done by someone else, too expensive.
So prob a joke by his mates but you will know by his expression - make sure you are not going to be interrupted when you show him the pants, you need to see his expression and don't want any distractions he can hide his feelings with. And let him do thetakling - not you.

MTBMummy Mon 18-Feb-13 13:20:22

I wish people would stop going on at the OP about doing all the laundry - what is the big deal? MY DP does all the laundry, and shock horror he's a man!

Matildaduck Mon 18-Feb-13 13:21:32

I do all the washing, all the cleaning, cooking, change all of the beds....etc etc.

I'm not a doormat.

My husband does all the diy, fixes stuff, organises insurance, providers etc. He also earns all the money.

I want for nothing, live in a huge house. I can assure you if i worked he would not be as successful as he is. Our lives would be more stressfull.

It's a division of labour, people have their own way of working it out! Marriage is not about being petty, it's not a house share ffs.

garlicbreeze Mon 18-Feb-13 13:21:58

Now I've caught up with your post about his friend's wife, OP, I think it's a laundry error. I'm so glad you spoke to her, well done!

Of course there could have been a pair of pants tucked inside one of the ribs in a tumble dryer, in a washing machine or left on a folding bench. I find unexpected things in my laundry at home - and I live alone grin (That is, they're mine but I didn't knowingly put them in that wash and haven't noticed they were lost!)

I kind of like the idea of wearing them on your head, too wink I guess it depends what kind of relationship you have - but the look on his face will probably tell you a lot.

ThePinkOcelot Mon 18-Feb-13 13:28:49

So those of us who do housework and the washing etc are doormats?! I don't think so. IMO its just as easy to put everyone's washing in in one go, rather than sorting out DHs separately and leaving it for him to do! I find it weird that some wives don't do their hubbies washing!

LollyPop87 Mon 18-Feb-13 13:40:33

I'd try not to worry too much about this OP, I think there is an innocent explanation.

It sounds like he has stayed somewhere where a hotel maid has done the washing, and the underwear has got mixed up somewhere along the line (maybe they had been left in the washing machine by the previous user by mistake, or they got put in the wrong pile, something like that could easily happen).

Any other explanation just seems way too far fetched. I just think it is so unlikely that a woman is going to sleep with your husband and then do his washing! I don't see why someone would even think to do that.

If they were not clean, I can see how it would be suspicious. Since they are clean, it really does sound like a laundry mix up. Since they are a size 8, I imagine they are fairly small, which makes it even more likely they could be put in the wrong pile without someone noticing.

Hope you're ok OP, do speak to him if you're worried, like others have said you will be able to tell by his reaction.

But I honestly don't think you have anything to worry about smile

middleagedspread Mon 18-Feb-13 13:41:56

I'm sure it's a laundry mix up.
If he was having a torrid affair with someone who wore size 8 pink pants, why would they be clean & in his laundry? Surely she'd need them to go home.

Helltotheno Mon 18-Feb-13 14:02:44

I'm going with a) mates did it for a laff, or b) OP's dh used a regular laundry service and said knicks got caught up with his stuff accidentally.

No other explanation except one you don't want to hear seems feasible....

live in a huge house... relevant to the laundry debate or indeed the knicker debate how exactly MatildaDuck?

sammerinna Mon 18-Feb-13 16:19:00

Thank you so much everyone for the advice. It really has helped. Like I said earlier the thing that has got me is that they're so small and pretty - pretty. Couldn't be huge hattie Jaques numbers could they? They were kind of down the inside side of his bag, amid all his stuff, t-shirts, shorts, socks all of which are white. Pink Knick's stood out. They might have been stuffed in there by some daft twat thinking causing distress to someones partner is funny.

AnyFucker Mon 18-Feb-13 16:30:53

I always have a little chuckle when people get a not-so-stealthy boast wedged into a thread smile

garlicbreeze Mon 18-Feb-13 17:09:34

I live in a tiny house but my knickers are size 14-16 [helpful]

GrendelsMum Mon 18-Feb-13 17:29:50

Well, for what it's worth my husband's colleague just mailed him to let him know that she had got what she guessed must be one of my socks.

(He had scooped up my sock with his, gone to stay in the company-owned accommodation, left the sock because he "didn't recognise it", she had picked it up thinking it was hers, took a closer look at it and realised that someone probably wanted their lost BRAND NEW CASHMERE BEDSOCK back and it was worth trying to track down the owner. And I was very grateful.)

So based on that I think it's a laundry mix-up.

badinage Mon 18-Feb-13 18:40:23

Trust me if you knew what I'd heard about Hattie Jaques, you wouldn't want to be anywhere near her knickers......brain bleach required wink

<<wonders if thread is now going to divert from laundry, to to the sexual predilections of Carry On stars>>

VenusRising Mon 18-Feb-13 18:50:21

Well, a male sock I could imagine would get mixed up, but if all the mates were working on the same job, and staying in the same apartment, I just cant see where the tiny girls' knickers come into it, unless someone in the apartment is getting off with the maid.

Sorry OP, but it sounds like there's more to this than meets the eye. As I said, a lot of my x colleagues travel around the Middle East and Far East, and there's a lot of extra marital activity.

Lavenderhoney Mon 18-Feb-13 19:05:01

What's this about matron? ( Hattie Jacques) smile

Op, I hope it's a laundry mix up. I had my laundry done in the ME and my laundry was all beautifully tagged and ironed, even the small boys pants that somehow found their way in.

What did he say? Have you asked him yet?

garlicbreeze Mon 18-Feb-13 19:09:37

There's something of an obsession with maids on this thread, isn't there? confused Do several of you have hairy hands, by any chance?

OP said: There are quite a few nurses, nannies, secretaries out there who drink with and get off with married men in the private drinking clubs. It doesn't seem necessary to - er spank the maid (literary reference, honest!) as there's plenty of emancipated opportunity for those who want it.

OP also said: He stayed in an apartment complex. Not "an apartment", an apartment in a group of apartments. With laundry service on alternate days, clearly it's being washed in a collective facility.

Blimey. It's refreshing to be on the side of 'innocent until proved guilty' for a change grin

sammerinna Mon 18-Feb-13 19:17:56

He's not back 'till late tonight. I'll be snoring prob'. Showdown in morning - kids permitting.. Will throw mystery knickers at him then.

AnyFucker Mon 18-Feb-13 19:19:38

garlic the constant reference to "maids" is marginally better than the term "hotel tarts" used further upthread

NcNcNcNc Mon 18-Feb-13 20:13:35

My DH, does all the washing/cleaning/cooking etc he's male. We live in an average size house <doubly helpful> grin

op - know you're upset and scared but calling women 'tarts' is not good. Look at your own thoughts behind this, these women didn't take the vows did they so why are they 'tarts'? Are they 'preying' hmm on married men who just can't help themselves ??? think about it smile

DrHolmes Mon 18-Feb-13 20:35:22

My ex bf was an engineer and was often away on the road for weeks/months at a time. I also found some nice lacey pants once and was 100% sure they were not mine. After days of arguing he had me believing they were mine and ended up questioning myself if I was going mad.
I also saw him google mapping an address and it showed an area with a river. I asked what he was looking for and he said someone was selling a bicycle and was googling the persons address to find out how far it was.
A few weeks later he told me he had to go to England (I live in scotland) for a meeting and was driving down that night, would go to the meeting then drive back that same day. I thought that was all pretty weird as it was a long drive and he was supposed to have gone offshore that day when it got cancelled last minute so thought it was strange he was suddenly driving to England to attend an hours meeting! just to drive straight back again! At about 7pm i got a call from him saying his engine had exploded and needed to sort out help for him etc and when i asked where he was he was only a couple of hours down the road on some weird country road. Again, i thought that was strange as if he was driving to England he'd surely be driving the main roads? Fast forward a few months when he went to Amerca for 2 months. I found a dollar note with a phone number on it written in green writing (to be disguised by the dollar colour) and a post code written on it. I looked up the post code and it was that of the address with the river. I then searched our room, found his sat nav in his offshore bag, looked up the history found the post code had been driven to on the night he said he was going to England and it turned out to be the address of his ex girlfriend!

From then on I checked everything each time he left and again i found a five pound note with a phone number written on it. I called it but didnt work as it was a digit short. This time it was his friend playing a joke on me...lovely.

Other times i'd call him for a chat and ask what he was up to he'd always say in his room or having a meal then going to bed. "Oh good" i thought to myself, hes not out playing away. Wrong. I looked up all the big clubs websites of the cities he was in and on many occasions found pics of him with other girls. Fucker. He thought he wouldn't get caught but I was too clever. If a little silly for staying longer than i should have!

I'd say he's cheated. But thats just my experience.
If i were you i wouldnt mention the washing being clean and then ask about the knickers because he will automatically blame the hotel for the mix up.

I'd plant them somewhere. Or even just put all his clothes back into his bag for him to sort out. If he takes them out and is like "who's are these?" and is open about it you are safe. If he hides them, well...
Good luck!

DrHolmes Mon 18-Feb-13 20:36:19

Sorry that was so long!

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmmmmmmmm Mon 18-Feb-13 21:38:17

Many years ago, staying overnight for a conference. Got to room, settled in, realised it was a non smoker. Asked to be moved, got to new room, all ok. Went to check out,next morning - " Mr Thing, you left your dressing gown in the first room, here it is".
Shoved it in my case then and there, took it out at home, hung it on't hook in bedroom, DW decided to pop it in the wash. Found the post it note in the pocket with the name,room number of the WOMAN who had handed into reception when she found it in my "old" room.

Eyebrows were raised.hmm

These things CAN happen.............

garlicbreeze Mon 18-Feb-13 21:59:48

What, she fancied you because of your dressing gown??! hmm indeed grin
What was it, hand-made and signed by Lanvin himself?

Or had you sprayed it all over with Lynx? wink

badinage Mon 18-Feb-13 22:04:36

Yes Things, but do you unpack your own case after trips and do you like Sid James and Kenneth Williams?

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmmmmmmmm Mon 18-Feb-13 22:19:15

Hotel had taken a note of her name/room number when she handed it in - some sort of lost property thing. Pinned post it to inside of my pocket.

Always unpack own bag. Always drenched in Lynx. grin

Does all sound a bit Carry On, doesn't it.blush

garlicbreeze Mon 18-Feb-13 22:21:28

Oo-er, you've made me titter!

Damash12 Tue 19-Feb-13 01:39:40

So do we have an update?? I've still got visions of him coming home and finding do with a pair of pretty pink pants round her ears... Really have me a chuckle and post 4 weeks pregnant that is not too good ...must do more exercise...:-)

dragonflymama Tue 19-Feb-13 02:15:55

I'm a bit confused....surely if the hotel had laundered the clothes, they would also be folded and your dp would then have just lifted them into the bag? I would confront him in person ASAP and gauge his reaction....hope there's a good explanation.

CuriousMama Tue 19-Feb-13 02:30:39

I hope he's innocent. Must be so hard for you knowing what goes on over there?

KoalaCakes Tue 19-Feb-13 06:44:48

Jeez, ive just read this entire thread due to insomnia. I didn't even realise it was 'live'. Need Knickergate answers! I seriously hope he's not cheated...

sammerinna Tue 19-Feb-13 13:06:07

Firstly - NcNcNcNc.. Thanks for refereeing. Never mind fact that I did correct myself after using offending term. Worried and sick with upset. Still...glad you're watching.

Ok, so he was about to go back to bed this morning when I produced the drawers and said "What the f* were these doing in your bag?" and nothing else. He frowned and quietly laughed, said he hadn't a clue. Mix up in laundry. No idea... Offered no other excuse, nothing, just miffed at the accusation, told me not to be daft... Long pause - I asked if there were women at the apartment complex. He said he didn't think so. Asked if mates did it. He said no, why the f* would they do that, it isn't funny! I asked if he'd shagged someone out there, he got annoyed. I asked again angrier, he grew angrier, denied.

I took off in the car. Went to Sis' house. He called, told me I was mad, and that he's had plenty of offers but never cheated. I hung up, and was blubbing when mobile went again, I didn't answer. It was mates wife, she left a message. Called her - turns out her bloke had several pairs of frilly drawers stuffed in his travel bag out there by 'mates' once, a few years ago.. She only just twigged why I wanted to know about washing routine out there yesterday.

I don't know what to think. I offered him a couple of loopholes. Mates pissing about. Woman staying at apt complex. He didn't take either. He says he doesn't know. I'm going to do a little more digging I've a couple of ideas. back soon. x

fluffyraggies Tue 19-Feb-13 14:05:34

What's your gut feeling sam?

I would be the same as you in your position and be a blatant confronter. I couldn't play games, hiding the knickers again, or snooping (nothing wrong with it it's just not my style).

The thing with this way of handling it is that all you have to go on is his reaction there and then.

Really truly - how do you feel?
Did he seem innocent?

You know him best.

Loika Tue 19-Feb-13 14:14:40

This sounds like hotel laundry mix up. His clothes have never come back clean before and he sounds upset at your accusation. When men want an affair or a quick fling its because something is missing at home. You already do all the washing at home so he is hardly going to go with someone who will wash his clothes!! (Dirty knickers are more of a concern!)
Most of these frilly knickers are synthetic fabrics and cling to anything with static, look like bunting as they come out of the dryer! It looks like he was in a rush to pack so stuffed the suitcase with the clean washing once it got back to his room or had a made rummage for something. He is unlikely to know how they got there (mates/hotel laundry etc) and you have worked yourself up so any excuse he comes up with will sound false.

Please be careful. You could kill your relationship over nothing. I know a man who allowed his suspision and paranoia to drive away his loving wife into the arms of the man who he thought she was carrying on with. My OH is that man, he says they had been accused of having an affair so often and so strongly that when she left her husband, they did become an item but both felt they had been pushed into it.
If you don't trust him, that is another issue but don't let yourself get carried away imagining all sorts of things, be cool and logical about it. However, every relationship is differant and only the two of you know what is going on, so i apologise if I am wrong but thought I would offer my POV.

Geordieminx Tue 19-Feb-13 14:20:51

You don't sound very convinced of his innocence hmm

ToomuchWaternotWine Tue 19-Feb-13 14:25:40

loika "when men want an affair or a quick fling its because something is missing at home"

NO NO No No No. anyone who has been on these boards, done any studying of relationships, counselling skills etc, or even just read a decent book in the last ten years on the subject, will refute this. People have flings/affairs because they CAN. Often it's a need to validate personality flaws in THEM, nothing to do with anything in the relationship. Many many perfectly happily married people have had affairs because of opportunity alone, nothing is "missing" at home.

OP did you feel his reaction was genuine surprise?

NuclearStandoff Tue 19-Feb-13 14:26:19

I offered him a couple of loopholes. Mates pissing about. Woman staying at apt complex. He didn't take either. He says he doesn't know.

Of course he doesn't know, he hasn't had the benefit of half of Mumsnet speculating for 2 days about the significance of the tiny pink pants.

Which suggests he genuinely hasn't got a clue what they were doing there and it was probably just a random bit of laundry.

Think MN can be very bad at feeding people's suspicions sometimes when there is probably a simple innocent explanation.

AnyFucker Tue 19-Feb-13 14:31:39

Personally, I would be more inclined to believe someone who appeared genuinely nonplussed and said "I don't know" than one who quickly jumped onto an easy bandwagon when it was offered up like a sacrificial lamb.

he hasn't taken the easy option, has he ?

TotallyBS Tue 19-Feb-13 14:36:00

RE lack of hotel laundry tags, I lived in a hotel for two months while on business. Large items like shirts are tagged. Small stuff like socks and underwear are collectively chucked into one wash bag which is tagged and chucked into a machine with all the other tagged bags.

Does anyone seriously think that the hotel staff is going to tag every loose item?

sammerinna Tue 19-Feb-13 15:30:09

Hello all. I called his mate, and another of his mates wives, as well as the apartment complex in Quatar. MW2 said the old crew hers worked with did nix trick on him too, as well as lipstick all over a shirt - clumsily applied.

Mine still denies, says he didn't notice them when he "packed". He did go for a beer before getting plane, with his shoulder sports bag. His mate says he saw him with it in club. They could have been inserted there. I must say he does seem genuine. the more I think about it, read what great folks here have said and ask friends. He could blame his mates and they would back him up I'm sure. But he's just baffled and embarrassed to have brought pink frillies through customs it seems.

Apartment complex very helpful. Said they had all men for past 2 months, before that they had mostly women sharing rooms, and a few couples, all Japanese. Now I'm hoping I don't incur the wrath of the Pc brigade again with the sweeping generalisation I'm about to make, but Japanese women are rather slight and that might explain the size of the mystery knickers. I don't know. I'm hoping, My gut feeling now is still a little unclear to me. He does seem genuine I must say. As AnyFucker said he didn't take easy option.

I want to thank you all so much. You are the greatest for helping me through this. I feel like I've built you all up and let you down with a soppy - I trust him sentiment. But I do. (I think).. xxx

AnyFucker Tue 19-Feb-13 15:36:31

OP, we are glad for you that you seem to have worked it out.

Contrary to popular belief, MN is not full of man hating feminists intent on destroying perfectly good marriages.

Now, in your situation, I would still have a small amount of questioning going on in my mind. However, I do feel it is utterly foolish to ever trust anyone 100% (even yourself), so keep your head screwed on, your big girl pants snugly applied and never put a man on a pedestal (I don't think you have, btw)

and yes, Japanese women are petite as a race, that's just how it is

all the best x

garlicbreeze Tue 19-Feb-13 16:04:50

Phew! I'm glad you did your background checks, OP, and very thorough they seem too <impressed>

Man didn't jump for easy excuse. Seemed honestly baffled. Two realistic explanations discovered. Personally, I'm going for an earlier guest missing one pair of pants - but if he comes back next time with another pair, I'll go for a fairly feeble prank grin

Above all, there's your instinct. Good for you!
I agree with AF, btw, it's silly to trust anybody at all 100%. It's also silly to hang on to groundless suspicions, though. I think you've done all the right things. Thanks for the update smile

badinage Tue 19-Feb-13 17:05:12

Yeah I'm glad this has worked out too, but like others I only trust myself 100% even though I've been married for donkey's years to the person I trust most in all the world.

These blokes he works with sound like complete arses though don't they?

AgathaF Tue 19-Feb-13 17:13:17

I totally agree with what NuclearStandoff said.

Hopefully, it was all just a load of nothing - although really horrible for you to be worried for days about it.

sammerinna Tue 19-Feb-13 17:27:50

yes they do badinage total f***heads..

NcNcNcNc Tue 19-Feb-13 18:08:20

Glad it worked out.

Thanks for your sarcasm by the way grin I like to think people don't start throwing the 'n' word around when they're upset or scared and wish we lived in a society when being upset and scared wasn't an excuse for throwing out the misogynistic 'tart' type words either, but hey ho.

If I see racism I confront and same with sexism. Sorry if that offends you smile

KoalaCakes Tue 19-Feb-13 18:13:23

Really pleased things have worked out. You don't strike me as a dumbass with your head in the sand and its great you can trust your man.

AnyFucker- I'm always cautious about using the terms man-hating and feminists together. The two do not neccessarily go hand in hand...from either direction.

AnyFucker Tue 19-Feb-13 18:18:58

koala of course

I usually find "man hating" is used as an insult. It often goes with "uptight", "frigid" and "hairy" too

Used by the terminally fucking stoopid smile

WafflyVersatile Tue 19-Feb-13 18:21:40

Not taking the loopholes sounds more innocent than grabbing at them when offered. I'd think that if he had something to feel guilty about he'd be scanning about for a likely sounding excuse. Whereas if he hasn't been up to anything then the answer could well that he just doesn't know.

sammerinna Tue 19-Feb-13 18:23:00

yes .. well aren't we lucky you're there

WafflyVersatile Tue 19-Feb-13 18:23:49

Oh! I hadn't read the last page. Glad it looks like a stupid joke or mistake.

NcNcNcNc Tue 19-Feb-13 18:25:55

I was trying to be nice OP but the fact that you casually use nasty language and then are just sarcastic about it is bizarre. Really hope you're not teaching your dc such things.

Feel free to be as derogatory about women as you like, I'm out.

sammerinna Tue 19-Feb-13 18:27:00

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

sammerinna Tue 19-Feb-13 18:27:27

bye all x

Numberlock Wed 20-Feb-13 22:30:20

he's had plenty of offers but never cheated

He sounds like a cunt for this statment alone.

Were you supposed to thank him or something?

I notice that at no stage has he said he can understand how dodgy this looks..

CrackerJackShack Thu 21-Feb-13 09:33:52

Plenty of women in Qatar? What? it's a 20 men to 1 woman ratio! The only way any of his pals are getting any is if they're paying for it, otherwise they're sitting at the bars by themselves.

I'd say mix up at the laundry, especially at these hotel-apartments here, they're not exactly 5 star establishments.

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