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Absolutely disgusted/stunned this ever happened to anyone else?

(75 Posts)
frankycard Sat 16-Feb-13 11:10:44

Way TMI is coming but I have name changed and need to get this off my chest.

Internet dating...First weekend with new man, respectable, 50's polite and somewhat shy.

In bed for the first time.

He pesters me relentlessly for an@l, insists his ex loved it? and offered use of a douche, whipped out 3 vibrators, and suggested I use one on/in his backside.

I obviously left but still in a state of shock, he accused me of being repressed.

WTF is all I keep thinking

DifferentNow Sat 16-Feb-13 11:12:21

WTF indeed. His issue OP, not yours.

frankycard Sat 16-Feb-13 11:13:25

Thanks, I thought it was a bad dream, still stunned now

Beamur Sat 16-Feb-13 11:13:30

Thankfully not! If you had no idea he was into this kind of sex that must have come as a bit of a surprise - and obviously an unwelcome one.
Each to their own and all that, but not reasonable to insult someone when their preferences are different.
I'm guessing you won't be seeing him again.

Well, he's very rude. He would have been very rude if he'd pestered you relentlessly for a kiss on the cheek or conventional PIV - it doesn't sound like he was interested in your feelings or desires at all.

Just bin and move on, and don't worry about it.

chickensarmpit Sat 16-Feb-13 11:15:06

What the hell is a douche?

NaturalBlondeYeahRight Sat 16-Feb-13 11:15:09

Bloody hell, how romantic. At least you know what he's into straight away. Opened minded and all that but the pestering is a big no-no on its own.

frankycard Sat 16-Feb-13 11:16:00

Yes totally shocked especially when he aggressively said it was normal, I was repressed and needed to live a bit.

I'm not repressed but the thought of sticking something up a mans bum and an@l turns me off.

Thought I had seen it all, obviously not!!.

Bogeyface Sat 16-Feb-13 11:16:04

If thats what floats his boat then fair enough (although I would be wondering about is "leanings"), but thats a bit much for the first time! Its the sort of thing that should develop over the course of years surely?!

Definitely not your problem!

frankycard Sat 16-Feb-13 11:17:45

Thanks! was an anal douche I gather!!

HecateWhoopass Sat 16-Feb-13 11:19:23

wow. that's quite something for a first time with him. Sounds like he was really aggressive. He wasn't interested in a mutually pleasing experience, was he? I agree with Solid, it smacks of him just wanting to use you for his pleasure and not really being interested in what you want.

Good decision to just get the hell out of there.

frankycard Sat 16-Feb-13 11:20:06

I love mums net...was harranged whilst I dressed about how normal it all was etc..jeez

Lovingfreedom Sat 16-Feb-13 11:21:30

....asking nicely and being prepared to get a yes or no answer is one thing....Pestering is always a deal breaker...and a turn off too. Wonder why the ex who loved it f*cked off? Hmm...

Beamur Sat 16-Feb-13 11:21:40

He sounds like a complete tosser.
His problem - not yours.

ShipwreckedAndComatose Sat 16-Feb-13 11:22:24

Where would he want to go next, if this is his starting punt?

Yama Sat 16-Feb-13 11:23:29

No, you are not repressed because this turns you off. It would turn me off too. His attitude much more so though.

frankycard Sat 16-Feb-13 11:24:45

I gather he sees it as normal? wanted dp etc

Just really not what I expected at all, and after an ear bashing I thought do
other people do this??!

ImperialBlether Sat 16-Feb-13 11:25:53

Sorry, OP, I've been laughing here, just picturing your shock.

If that's what he wants, that's fine, but to tell you about an ex's preferences during his first sexual encounter with you hardly makes it a romantic experience.

What happened to finding out what you liked?

Have to admit his shyness would have fooled me, too. Hope you got away with your dignity intact - now call your best friend and tell her to come round tonight for some wine as you have a good story to tell her.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 16-Feb-13 11:26:01

I think you've found a gold-plated weirdo. Most people who are into unusual sexual stuff are rather more open about it from the outset because they need to be sure their partner is into the same thing. Were there no clues in conversations running up?

badinage Sat 16-Feb-13 11:26:49

Back to being a porn loser for him then.......

ImperialBlether Sat 16-Feb-13 11:27:14

Franky, it doesn't matter whether everyone in the world is doing it. Personally I think anyone who had anal sex on a first date would be absolutely out of their mind or desperately trying to please - it involves such a high level of trust that you can't possibly have on the first night.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 16-Feb-13 11:27:30

"he aggressively said it was normal, I was repressed and needed to live a bit."

Actually... I'm revising from 'weirdo' to 'potential sex offender'. Aggression on rejection is always a massive red flag. Would it be OTT to call 101 and ask the police if they have any record of this guy?

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour Sat 16-Feb-13 11:27:58

Other people do do it, and there is nothing wrong with anything he suggested

The problem is the nagging and aggression and the fact that it was your first time, that is a huge red flag and he sounds like such a twat you've had a lucky escape

But just as your not 'repressed' for not being into it other people are not weird for enjoying different sexual experiences, it's just not ok to force it onto others

Lovingfreedom Sat 16-Feb-13 11:28:12

I think coming from a date felling you have had an ear bashing is a very bad sign full stop and if anything you have had a lucky escape.

ImperialBlether Sat 16-Feb-13 11:28:47

Yes, badinage, he'll be back to watching his porn movies (his "ex" is the star of the movie) and grumbling about weird women who don't appreciate his collection of vibrators and who don't want anal sex on demand.

frankycard Sat 16-Feb-13 11:29:06

Yes thanks all!!

I think he is a big porn user.

But I didnt like to be told I was repressed and all this was normal!

ImperialBlether Sat 16-Feb-13 11:30:15

Repression is always a value judgement, so don't worry about that. He'd be repressed about a gang of men having anal with him; we all know what we like and what we don't want.

badinage Sat 16-Feb-13 11:32:15

Heh. You didn't even have to tell us he was into porn, it was so obvious. Did you know that beforehand?

Lovingfreedom Sat 16-Feb-13 11:32:25

Agree with cogito it's not what he's wanting but the way he is demanding. Sex should always be fully consensual no matter how 'normal' or how weird, crazy and dirty someone else might regard it. You are never obliged to do something cos it's the done thing or cos an ex liked it.

frankycard Sat 16-Feb-13 11:33:50

Yes I know see the porn link, he likes slim blondes with no hair>>>retch

Viviennemary Sat 16-Feb-13 11:34:00

Avoid like the plague. He sounds nuts.

merlottits Sat 16-Feb-13 11:39:37

I had a date with a man who when we got intimate told me that the only way he could 'get off' was if I inserted a coke bottle in to my arse. Yes, really. I'm assuming the 500ml ones and not the 2litre but he didn't specify grin
I had lots of normal dates and have a lovely DH now but yes there are some weirdos!

merlottits Sat 16-Feb-13 11:41:02

Strangely enough I still live in the same town as this man and he is now married. I can't help stare at his wife...

foofooyeah Sat 16-Feb-13 11:44:26

Sorry I am laughing my head off at the thought of that poor mans wife with the coke bottle up her jacksy - perhaps she likes it too!

badinage Sat 16-Feb-13 11:44:31

Lesson learnt then? Screen out the porn losers and misogynists in future?

Lovingfreedom Sat 16-Feb-13 11:45:14

Lol merlottits…you could have had some fun with that....you should have agreed to the coke bottle thing but explained that you could only get off if he first put on a blonde wig, smoked a cigar and ran down your local high street in lame shorts shouting 'now then, now then'

maleview70 Sat 16-Feb-13 11:48:50

A man who wants anything shoved up his arse is weird full stop.

maleview70 Sat 16-Feb-13 11:50:57

Unless gay of course smile

LadyWidmerpool Sat 16-Feb-13 11:51:42

maleview Now, now, that's a bit silly, isn't it?

Bogeyface Sat 16-Feb-13 11:53:21

Well I wondered if there was some underlying......issue tbh!

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 16-Feb-13 11:53:49

No-one else think the OP's experience could easily have become sexual assault and find this man not just weird but alarming?... Just me then?

BookWormery Sat 16-Feb-13 11:54:41

Oh dear OP. don't let it put you off meeting other men though - plenty of lovely normal ones out there!

Lovingfreedom Sat 16-Feb-13 11:56:09

No I don't agree maleview but I find that men who demand things sexually or who are into humiliation as with the coke bottle are best avoided cos they are entitled pricks.

Maleview- it's not weird really.

On a first weekend together it's quite disgusting, especially his attitude. There's nothing wrong with anal, but it has to be done with mutual trust, and someone who doesn't like it isn't repressed at all.

He's clearly got a blurred reality.

kittybiscuits Sat 16-Feb-13 11:57:01

maleview silly...now there's a surprise! I'm wondering if he might be protesting too much?

OP he sounds hideous. What are you going to do?

youfhearted Sat 16-Feb-13 11:57:19

the quiet ones seem to be the worst, poor you.

Bogeyface Sat 16-Feb-13 11:58:03

Cogito you could say that about any sexual encounter though. Just because his preferences are a bit different doesnt mean that he is more likely to be an attacker. The man that raped me was my BF and was into normal vanilla sex.

Lovingfreedom Sat 16-Feb-13 11:58:19

Yes I find this man's aggression much more alarming than his sexual preferences. OP had a lucky escape.

youfhearted Sat 16-Feb-13 11:59:37

vanilla shock

The fact that he was very bullying in his attitude is alarming, if OP hadn't had been so strong to say no, I dread to think what would have happened.

Blackden Sat 16-Feb-13 12:01:59

Definitely don't agree with maleview. Lots of men like anal stimulation.

However, the pestering here is very disturbing.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 16-Feb-13 12:04:20

I'm not commenting on his different preferences. I'm reacting to the aggressive pressure, coercion and then nasty accusations that followed. Any man that thinks that is a normal or acceptable way to treat a sexual partner is bloody dangerous.

ErikNorseman Sat 16-Feb-13 12:07:28

Nothing weird per se about any of the sexual activities he suggested. However, they require both trust and enthusiastic participation of both parties. This man was a bully and a potential sexual abuser - trying to coerce you into anything whatsoever is a huge red flag for abuse. He's also clearly a terrible lover who sees sex as all about him doing what he wants to another body, not a mutual and reciprocal fun time.

badinage Sat 16-Feb-13 12:12:21

Cog no, not just you. The type of sex requested is neither here nor there.

What's important in this is that we're talking about a man who's got no respect for boundaries or consent. Nasty little fuckers like him use coerced consent as a tactic to avoid an allegation of assault. Who knows how many less confident women have agreed to stuff they didn't want to do, for fear of being called names? But don't report it to the police because at the time they appeared to 'consent' and so don't think they've got a leg to stand on?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 16-Feb-13 12:15:17

Are you OK OP?

Schlock Sat 16-Feb-13 12:18:57

Wanting something shoved up your arse as a man has absolutely nothing to do with being gay unless you would like a man do to the shoving, what a stupid assumption hmm

He does sound like a self entitled tosser, that said. I hope you give him a wide berth from now on.

retrocutie Sat 16-Feb-13 12:21:17

An 'Anal Douche'... you really learn something new every day on Mumsnet, don't you?

OP, poor you. That sounds like a horrible experience. Move on.

Scrazy Sat 16-Feb-13 12:22:00

Nothing wrong with what he was wanted to do but to call you names for not wanting to is wrong and for the first time, really wrong.

You need to build up to this type of thing in a mutually good sex life with someone first.

Take it you will dump him and move on.

AugustaProdworthy Sat 16-Feb-13 12:22:39

Yuck. What a wanker. Glad you told him where to stick it, if you'll forgive the pun

SarahBumBarer Sat 16-Feb-13 12:24:20

Not loving the use of the word "normal" tbh. It's not ABnormal to want anal sex.

It is abnormal to pester for it and criticise someone who does not want it because it IS a matter of preference (as is everything) and that should be respected.

It's perfectly "normal" but not for everyone

Hope you're OK OP.

Yes, let's be very clear, it's not what he wanted that's the problem. Even if his desires had been in the realm of dressing up as a hobbit and wanting you to tickle his ears with a lettuce, that would still have been 'whatever turns you on.'

The problem is that he was rude and snotty about the fact that you weren't into his style of sex - and I do actually think he may have form for coercive behaviour. However, you can't report a man to the police for being rude to you in this situation.

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved Sat 16-Feb-13 13:31:20

Agree with Cognito and also what Erik wrote... I'd be quite shaken up by that OP, are you feeling a bit shaky?

CabbageLeaves Sat 16-Feb-13 13:35:51

I'm very pleased you dressed and left. I suspect he's managed to harangue a few women into doing what he wanted...and they felt really upset and abused for a long time afterwards. Nasty piece of work

frankycard Sat 16-Feb-13 20:34:28

I'm ok thanks.

I suspect he was a big porn user actually.

Cerealqueen Sat 16-Feb-13 20:43:35

I'd say he was looking for a woman to re-enact his favourite porn scenes, the person didn't matter, just a body to perform, to be performed on/with.
His issues, his problems.
Glad you are ok and hope that it hasn't put you off internet dating.

millymae Sat 16-Feb-13 22:01:10

apologies for my bizarre post a minute ago - too much wine and I can't stop laughing at the thought of tickling a hobbit with a lettuce!!

millymae Sat 16-Feb-13 22:04:22

even more apologies from me now - there's no bizarre post from me earlier. I must have pressed the wrong button. Oops!

chickensarmpit Sat 16-Feb-13 22:04:48

I still have no idea what a douche is.

smallandimperfectlyformed Sat 16-Feb-13 22:27:43

My curiosity got the better of me so I googled anal douche - didn't see any pictures though thankfully!! It is basically an enema so is recommended to do this before anal sex in order to ensure you are nice and clean in case of leakages! I know some women like anal but personally leaves me cold ... He sounds a right twat to say the least op, glad you got out of the date x

GinAndT0nic Sat 16-Feb-13 22:29:42

sounds like an awful night out. what a weirdo. lol at poster saying he'd be repressed about a gang of men having anal with him, how about a gang of prisoners? no? repressed.
definitely a porn user looking for a body not a person.

GinAndT0nic Sat 16-Feb-13 22:31:13

I don't get the idea of anal at all. wouldn't it hurt like *&^%. i don't mean tip of a finger but you know, a penis up your bum. That would HURT.
Give me vanilla. Not ashamed to say it. I'm angry on your behalf OP. what a fucker. it's so scary trying to get out there. You did it, and this is what landed on you.

SpicyPear Sat 16-Feb-13 22:31:20

I'm with cogito on this. The acts requested are by the by. It's the relentless pestering and insults on refusal that are the big red flags here. Sounds like he has a very unhealthy attitude towards women. Well done for walking away.

chickensarmpit Sat 16-Feb-13 22:31:32

How very odd. You should of twatted him round the head with his dildo.

frustratedworkingmum Sat 16-Feb-13 22:34:17

two words : lucky & escape grin

FastLoris Sun 17-Feb-13 03:11:44

Not sure about the porn thing. I think it's pretty unusual for porn (straight porn, at least) to feature men having things shoved up their own bum. At the very least it indicates a general liking of anal, rather than the stereotype of "anal as misogynist aggression against women".

But I agree with previous posters that I wouldn't want that kind of pressure on a first date - or a relationship with someone who thought it was appropriate. Sex is very personal and noone deserves to be made to feel there's something wrong with them by their partner for what they want or don't want.

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