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My Family Hate My Boyfriend

(35 Posts)
PhieEl06 Fri 15-Feb-13 22:12:40

Just wondering if anyone has any advice on how to approach & deal with this. I am 18 weeks pregnant tomorrow, 18 years old & my boyfriend is 22.
We're in a great relationship & have been together for over a year, his family have been great & so supportive of the both of us, but although my family have been supportive of me, they seem to have turned on him. I am the youngest child & my two half sisters (always considered full sisters there's no half in it) are in their 30's, married & moved out with no children due to fertility problems & we have always had a close relationship but since finding out I'm pregnant the eldest sister & her husband have tried to control everything, they, along with my dad are constantly putting my boyfriend down & making horrible remarks about him, no one else in my family sticks up for him & this is starting to really upset me. I get the impression that they don't think he is good enough for me, he is unemployed with very few qualifications & is not very academic due to him having dyslexia & dyspraxia, he is also not very athletic due to problems from birth with his hips & legs however I see past this to him as a person, I think we are great together we rarely argue, we have so much in common & he treats me fantastically well. My brother-in-law is in the army & seems to disregard him as a good person because my BF is nothing like him, but I have had enough now & am fed up of their horrible comments & feeling like I am the only one sticking up for him, how do I get my family to realise that he is part of my life now & the start of my new family? If they continue how they are being I don't want them to be part of our lives but I don't want to cut all ties.

God I must sound so immature & naive in this, but this is really upsetting me & stressing me out now & it's the last thing I need. Any advice?

Lueji Fri 15-Feb-13 22:36:34

Have you talked to your family about why they don't like him?

They are probably worried about you long term.

Does he make any effort to find a job, or get training on something?

It's easy to look at the person only when we are in love, but we all make mistakes.

He may be great, but unless your family is really difficult, they should warm up to him as he proves himself.

deste Fri 15-Feb-13 22:44:48

Ok my opinion, and only mine, he doesnt work and now you are pregnant and you are only 18. You are very young, he is young and perhaps they see you as being trapped before you have had a chance to do anything with your life. Has he been trying to find a job or is he unable to work. Will you be looking for work if he is not able. Could he maybe go to college to get some qualifications or is he not motivated enough. It's good that he treats you well but that's not enough to pay the bills and give your child the life you want it to have. If he made some effort, ie college, then perhaps your family will start to show him some respect and take him seriously. They are probably worried for you.

PhieEl06 Fri 15-Feb-13 22:59:26

I have tried to talk about why they don't like him, but they deny this & say they have no problem with him, this is obviously not the case as they are less than welcoming, always making fun of him & jokes about him behind is back, my sister has even said, just because we are having a baby doesn't mean it's too late to get out.

He is currently on a course 2 days a week to achieve qualifications in CAD & his English & Maths equivalent qualifications, he is finding it very difficult & not enjoying it but is sticking at it to give himself better opportunities. He is trying to find work, but with him so lacking in skills he isn't very employable. (Unfortunately being rejected from the McDonald's application process for being unsuitable is not something I have heard of happening often).

deste I am already in work, I work two jobs currently a very good & stable full time job Monday to Friday, good career prospects, company are very supportive of my pregnancy, offer training & promotion opportunities with good work benefits & perks, as well as a Sunday shift at a well known clothes store. This is more to keep my staff discount as it is too good to give up & I enjoy that job very much.

My money is very much my own, I do not support him, I do not pay his way & yes I help him out if he is stuck, but make sure this is paid back at the next opportunity that he has money, over the last 6 months he has borrowed £400 in total & paid all of it back promptly without me having to nag so I don't work & he just scrounges.

He really wants to go to college to train to become a mechanic but at 22 he has to pay as he has already studied before when he was 16/17/18. He has been for various interviews at different local colleges & all have said that because he has already been to college he is not eligible for a grant or free college education & he cannot afford £1500+ a year for his course.

I understand my family want what's best for me but there is no need for them to be so horrible to him in the process. sad

MerryCouthyMows Fri 15-Feb-13 23:30:57

This will sound harsh. But it's not.

If your family are generally normal, not horrible, and they have taken a dislike of your partner, there is usually a reason WHY.

I have been there, and with the benefit of hindsight, wish I had listened to their misgivings.

Because they were right.

In the end, he turned out to be an abusive tosspot, and they could see it in him long before he actually STARTED abusing me.

I have posted this just on the basis of your title. I will now read your OP...

BagCat Fri 15-Feb-13 23:54:23

This might be against the grain.

Yes, your family want the best for you and that's fine, of course it is. But you are 18, old enough to make your own mind up and to make your own mistakes (if indeed they think you are making a mistake). They probably need to butt out or risk you distancing yourself from them. If they, amongst themselves, have decided they see negative things about your bf, the best thing they can do is tell you their concerns (but really, it's a bit late now) and then let you get on with things and be supportive of you. By making you feel the way they are, they risk pushing you away. Try not to let that happen, their support will become invaluable when the baby arrives and you don't want to be isolated from them, or them from you.

If he is wrong for you - you will come to that conclusion in your own time without everyone else making unwanted comments. And whether they like it or not, he is your choice of partner and father of your future child. I also say he has to find a job though, them worrying about his ability to help support you financially when the baby comes is relevant, I can totally understand that. Still though, he has only to prove himself to you, not them.

I'd try to talk to your closest relative (your mum/dad?) in a really nice way, tell them you understand their concerns and that you are on top of it and can they please just trust you and support you in the meantime while you try to get organised for the baby. Then tell that relative to pass on the message to the others.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and best wishes.

Lueji Sat 16-Feb-13 03:51:47

I'd ask my family to treat him with more respect, even when only you are present.

Relationship wise, you've been together a year and a lot can change. Just make sure you don't rush into bigger commitments until you feel safe in the relationship.

Regardless, it's true that you can leave at any time. Always remember that, no matter who you are with.

FellatioNels0n Sat 16-Feb-13 05:09:55

I think it may not be that they do not like him as a person necessarily, but that they are disappointed and worried that you have chosen to have a baby so early on in this relationship when he is no in position to support you financially at the moment, and you are so very young.

Their 'dislike' of him is probably driven by protectiveness, panic, and concern for your future. In all honesty I'd probably be reacting the same if you were my daughter. All you can do is talk to them calmly, ask them to respect your choices even if they don't like them, and then set about putting their minds at rest by staying together for a really long time, getting jobs and not asking for too much help from anyone.

FellatioNels0n Sat 16-Feb-13 05:18:30

Actually having read the rest of your posts now I must say you sound remarkably mature, well balanced, sensible, and a very nice, insightful young woman. Your boyfriend is lucky to have you. I do hope things work out well for you both. I still can't say I'd be thrilled if you were my daughter, my or little sister, but I'd like nothing better than to see you prove me wrong, and I'm sure your family feel the same. They are just coming to terms with the fact that all their high hopes for you have been squashed flat at the moment. Give it time.

retrocutie Sat 16-Feb-13 05:42:10

Dyslexia and dyspraxia and hip problems are no excuse for not having a job. I am sorry, but I wouldn't be too pleased either, if I were your parents.

He needs to get a job.

Fairylea Sat 16-Feb-13 06:31:17

Hmm I don't think I'd be happy if I was your mum either. He needs to put all his effort into getting a job.

And also you having completely separate finances with a baby on the way isn't exactly something to be proud of... ideally he should have a job and you should be sharing all your money together, as a family.

However, saying that the seed has been sown as it were so I'd try my best to be happy for you if I were your family.

Fairylea Sat 16-Feb-13 06:34:29

Also, are you living at home? Is he going to move in with you?

If you are living at home I'd say that might have a lot to do with it as your parents may feel they are subsidising your new family perhaps.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 16-Feb-13 06:41:27

The danger with this situation is that, because you spend so much time defending someone, you become blind to their actual faults. If your family have genuine concerns about this man - and I'd be just as worried about your future if you were related to me, I'll be honest - they are therefore going the wrong way about it.

So you will have to stand up to your family if they are simply being nasty or making personal remarks but - very important - you also have to listen to what they are really saying i.e. you haven't known him five minutes, you are not very old, you're already pregnant and this man will struggle to provide security or prosperity for either you or your child.

Btw do stop lending him money. It's immaterial that he pays you back. It's a bad habit for anyone to use their girlfriend as a lending bank.

HollyBerryBush Sat 16-Feb-13 08:45:13

You want the harsh reality?

Your family don't like him because he doesnt work - no matter the reason, thats irrelevent - they see you condemned to a life of poverty, supporting someone who doesn't have a job.

How is he going to support you and a baby without employment? Put a roof over your heads and provide a home?

I'm sure he's lovely as a person ... but I wouldn't be jumping for joy if my daughter, still living at home, rocked up with her unemployed boyfriend and announced she was pregnant.

That's the bare bones of the matter.

If he wanted to work, he would find it, there are plenty enough paid apprenticeships through Connexions or Prospects he could enrol on, mechanics included.

FergusSingsTheBlues Sat 16-Feb-13 08:53:20

Well, none of it would have mattered too much to them until you got pregnant. That changes everything. Now your lives will all be entwined and you will need him to be a mature supportive and responsible man. In your mum's shoes, i'd be very worried about your future and the quality of life for your child.

Doha Sat 16-Feb-13 08:55:27

Phiel please tell your boyfriend not to be despondent about the McDonalds rejection, they and most of the other fast food chains seem to do this all the time if they have no vacancies. My DD was looking for part time work and applied almost every week to McD's. She kept getting rejected until she applied at a time they were recruiting and got a job along with 6 other. They recruit in batches. One day l applied with her to KFC and l got rejected.smile/
Tell him to keep trying.

PhieEl06 Sat 16-Feb-13 09:32:13

Thanks all for your responses. I do see that my family are looking out for me but I feel very hurt that they are not willing to just give him a chance. It does annoy me that he hasn't got a job, I am not just passive about it & encourage him all the time to keep applying for things, I'm scared that our baby will arrive & he won't be able to support us, this isn't a major issue as I can afford to support us on my own & I know I will have my family & his family's help be he is worried that he will be pushed out by family if he can't provide.
He hasn't been unemployed for years, he had a job until summer last year but was made redundant so my family have seen him working but seem to over look this as dismiss him as a good for nothing.

fairylea we are both living with our parents at the moment, nearer to when I'm due (July) either he will move in with us or I will move in to his, both our parents have given us the option but the way my family are about him I think I will probably move in with him as we'll have enough stress & difficulty trying to bring up a new born let alone doing it in an environment where he isn't accepted.

& may also be worth a mention that not all my family hate him, I am sorry if that's the way it is portrayed, my mom has no problems & my other sister & her husband love him, it's mainly the eldest sister, her husband & my dad, other relatives have very negative opinions but to be honest I don't really care what they think.

Thanks again for your replies.

FergusSingsTheBlues Sat 16-Feb-13 09:39:14

No, phie, not being able to privide for his child IS a major issue, im afraid. Ge really has to step up. Your family helping you out should be an absolute last resort, not a source of reassurance.

Ive been in your shoes, eight years encouraging somebody to get a job. In one ear, out the other.

FergusSingsTheBlues Sat 16-Feb-13 09:39:32

Sorry about typos

ll31 Sat 16-Feb-13 10:02:42

Tbh if you were my dd I'd be really worried . Also having to live with either your or his parents is not easy way to start off with baby. No matter how supportive they are.
Hope things work out but don't ever forget that you can leave anytime. Don't let anger with your family blind you to anytime he doesn't't treat you properly

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Sat 16-Feb-13 10:07:53

I am sorry this is going to be very harsh.

You will not survive on love alone. Children are a blessing, but they are very expensive regardless of all other very expensive day to day living costs you will have, and one day in the not too distant future you will really start to resent him. He will hold you and your child back and you too will see him as a loser.

If you were my daughter I would be very concerned. This scenario is every parents worst nightmare because you are going to have a very long tough road ahead of you.

I truly hope for your sake he finishes his course, but it's not looking too great either is it.

I do think at the moment that someone who is not working is not necessarily workshy - it is very, very hardto find work right now and this man was working up until six months ago. He's clearly looking for work so should be given the benefit of the doubt.

Good luck, OP. Yes you are young, but you sound sensible, and people have made good lives for themselves in worse situations.

Helltotheno Sat 16-Feb-13 10:13:26

OP it doesn't follow that because you're pregnant, you have to move in together. Definitely put that plan on hold. It doesn't mean you have to stop seeing him but just dont tie yourself to him any further right now.

You have a job and have your act together. He doesn't. He has to make that happen himself and now that you're having a baby, don't accept anything less from him and make yourself and the baby your first priority.

Your family are just trying to protect you, although I'm only saying that on the basis of the little info we have. For the moment, leave things be and concentrate on on you and the baby...

FellatioNels0n Sat 16-Feb-13 10:57:35

he won't be able to support us, this isn't a major issue as I can afford to support us on my own

No. You really cannot. You will not be in a position to do that for many years yet. You are 18 and have a job in a shop, which you will soon be leaving to have your baby. Get real. you can't even support yourself on your income alone, never mind your child. Otherwise you'd be in a place of your own, paying your own rent and bills already - not still living with your mum and dad.

PhieEl06 Sat 16-Feb-13 11:15:09

Fergus I think at this age my family supporting me is vital, a last resort at 18 is very hard, we did not plan this situation but we are here now & their support, from both of our families is very very much appreciated, no matter what position my boyfriend was in I feel it would be very hard without my family & his family helping out. However your last bit about "in one ear & out the other" is the bit I worry about, I don't think it is at all the case at the moment, he takes notice & when I ask what he is doing to try to find work he shows me emails, applications & explains, however I do feel the longer this goes on that will be the case, I hope it isn't I hope that in the next couple of months he finds work.

ll31 it is not the ideal situation at all living with our parents but we are both so young & as I said before hadn't planned for this, we have no savings behind us to look for somewhere of our own & neither of us have the spare income to afford to rent. I know I am able to leave if I need/want too & I know that if this was the case I would have the support of my family there to help me but please do not think from this that he doesn't treat me right, he is a gentle giant, he has never once been abusive, emotionally, mentally or physically, if anything I could be the one that doesn't treat him right, I let my temper get ahead of me at times, he adores me & I am so grateful for that, he is very supportive of me & my decisions & encourages me to do the things I want to do. I don't want anyone to get the impression that he doesn't treat me right because he has never on any occasion treated me badly.

KeepCool as a very independent sometimes stubborn woman I would never let him hold me or my child back, regardless of our situation I will not let him drag behind slowing us down, he will just have to run to keep up, if it gets to this situation I will look at what we have become & make my decision then but now, he is very much part of my future, & I have every faith in him no matter how difficult.

Thank you SolidGoldBrass!

Helltotheno thank you for your advice, I won't expect anything less of him. He has said that he wants to do the best to make a difference & set an good example to our DS/DD because he doesn't want them to turn out how he has. I do understand that they are trying to protect me, I just wish they would take a step back & let me make my own decisions.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 16-Feb-13 11:22:11

" I just wish they would take a step back & let me make my own decisions."

When you are going to be so reliant on your family and your decisions are going to have a direct impact upon them, you can't tell them to butt out. Sorry, but that's the reality of life when you are dependent on people. If you were truly independent and 100% responsible for yourself with no support you could tell the world and his wife to take a jump & do your own thing regardless.

mollymole Sat 16-Feb-13 11:24:52

Has your boyfriend ever worked since leaving school ? How lacking in skills is
he. You say he is taking a course in CAD, English and Maths. What does he intend to do with this when the course is finished.

PhieEl06 Sat 16-Feb-13 11:26:50

FellatioNels0n I still live with my parents because before I found out I was having a baby I was a typical 18 year old, I saved a little of my money, but most of it went on holidays & myself & I admit I was very selfish. My baby is changing my life already as soon as I found out I started saving this money for him/her. I never intended beforehand to move out until well into my 20's as I am comfortable at home, I don't know many other 18 year olds that have moved out & I think before this my mom would be appalled at me moving out this young as she'd feel like she'd done something wrong, also since I was 16 I have been paying board money to my parents, this is not as much as rent but I pay for myself. I don't just work in a shop, I also have a full time job with a good maternity package ahead of me. Although having a child is expensive which I know & expect I have planned & budgeted costs over the last few months. With minimal help from my family I can afford this, yes it will be a stretch & I will have to be careful with my money but it is achievable.

PhieEl06 Sat 16-Feb-13 11:32:06

mollymole he has been in & out of employment, has had many temporary jobs or worked for agencies, he had a very reliant job in a hotel when I met him about 20 months ago which he was made redundant from last summer when the hotel was taken over by another brand. He wants to go into a job in that industry, he enjoys working with computers & is already looking at starting level jobs in design, also this course works with employers to find jobs for the people on the course however this doesn't finish till June.

Viviennemary Sat 16-Feb-13 11:42:48

I think they are more worried about your financial security that any personal grudge against your boyfriend as a person. You are very young. How are you and your boyfriend intending to support yourselves and the new baby. This is probably at the root of the problem. And don't like to see you at the age of 18 with all this responsibility on your shoulders.

Pancakeflipper Sat 16-Feb-13 11:49:52

You sound sensible.

But I worry that your DP is a bit drifty with regards to work. Been doing courses since 16 and 6 yrs later still not got his Eng or Maths? Which many training schemes add in automatically for people on them.
He needs to get these ( which he can do without paying for them unless he's squander opportunities previously).

Getting the basics really will open up other opportunities like NVQ's in the hotel industry etc. So he can start at the bottom of his chosen field and work up. He is willing to work upwards isn't he from the bottom and not one who just expects to walk into a fantastic role with no experience?

Hopefully the baby may help him to focus. Lots of luck to you. And really hope it all goes well.

FergusSingsTheBlues Sat 16-Feb-13 12:19:59

I had my first baby at 35 needed it all. Second baby at 38 due next week, heading to my mums afterwards for two weeks....bigger house, another pair of hands etc. Having a baby is a massive adjustment at any age no matter how "sorted" you might be and its great that your family are so supportive. But if they are supportive, they will be worried sick, any parent would be. You sound responsible and sorted out with your own job but you would have an enormous amount on your plate if you are also the only provider.

In terms of finances, your bf WILL absolutely need to step up. Its good that he is taking courses...a job may well be v difficult at this very minute given his lack of qualifications and the competition for jobs, but there is bound to be something for him and i think he will need to be SEEN to be taking this situation seriously before your parents can relax. its about reassuring your parents and providing for you.

(the "in one ear" comment was about my bf, not about yours, no offenxe intended at all btw)

Good luck.

AutumnDreams Sat 16-Feb-13 12:57:39

There`s a big difference between being concerned, and being downright nasty. Of course your dad will be worrying himself silly about you, but mocking the father of your child is not helpful. He needs encouragement to try to overcome his difficulties, and find his place in the world. I imagine he is already sadly lacking in confidence. You can only keep trying to explain this to the ones who are being so hurtful to him, in the hope that they will see he needs support, just as you do.

If you were my daughter, I too would be very concerned, but I would also be proud that I had brought up someone who, albeit very young, is also mature, and forward thinking. I have no doubt that you will take control of whatever life throws at you, and deal with it as it happens. I wish you well.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Sat 16-Feb-13 15:04:15

When I said "he would hold you and your child back, and that you would start to resent him." I meant this in financial terms, not having what other partners and their children have - nice holidays, a nice car, nice house, up to date kids toys/gadgets, family days out etc etc.

I know this is all shallow stuff really and that a strong loving family is much more important, but you can't get away from the fact that this won't wear you down at times, especially when your child is old enough to see for himself the differences between himself and others. It is human nature.

Having said all of that, you really do sound amazingly switched on and determined, and I really do genuinely wish you all the best for your future, I am sure YOU will get there and I really hope he does as well.

Good luck x

PhieEl06 Sat 16-Feb-13 17:52:25

Thanks all, I am seeing BF later tonight so will be giving him another push. As for my family I have discussed my concerns with my mom & she has told me not to concentrate on them & just focus on my new family, she is going to have a word & tell those making nasty gestures & comments to stop. I very much agree with autumn I am grateful for their concern, I understand I'm the little girl of the family & they are worried about me but there is no need for them to be nasty to him.

Thank you for all your views & comments. smile

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