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What do I say to Dp?

(81 Posts)
Onceupon Fri 15-Feb-13 19:07:29

Dp has emailed me a reservation he made for me for a night away, by myself. I really don't want to go. The timing just doesn't suit.

I am actually quite upset as he did this before and I asked him not to. Mainly due to the fact that he works long hours and is busy with sports etc and I am expected to fit my free time in around what suits him. I am a sahm and have very little time to myself.

If we are going to spend this much money I would like to have a say in where I go and when.

The train and hotel are last minute, non refundable.

I feel like I have no control over my own life at all.

If he was trying to something nice he should have paid attention to what we have discussed before.

Maybe I sound ungrateful and didn't explain well but it is because he has gone and done something I clearly asked him not to and now I'll have to go as I can't waste all that money.

Shybairns Fri 15-Feb-13 19:12:05

Yes you'll have to go this time. And try to have fun.

But when you are back talk to him again about how you feel about things.

Not being listened to is very frustrating.

tribpot Fri 15-Feb-13 19:16:36

How weird, so he's actually chosen a hotel and is effectively sending you away for the night? I bet he's dead chuffed with himself for making the effort too!

I think you absolutely must say something and it can be along the lines of 'I appreciate that you are wanting to treat me but I don't want to go away with no notice, I'd like to be able to plan it properly so I can really enjoy myself. I will go this time because the money is committed but in future, like I said to you before, this isn't the sort of surprise I like'.

It almost sounds like an unexpected window's opening up in his own calendar when it's convenient for his wife to be out of the way so it's now or never. WTF. How are you meant to feel this is actually a treat for you??

I suspect you're going to need to put your foot down and let the money go to waste at some point - either this time or next.

Sausagedog27 Fri 15-Feb-13 19:17:58

To be honest, if he hasn't listened so far, I'd be tempted not to go, make him stand up and listen. If you go will he be 'see I told you' etc?

Onceupon Fri 15-Feb-13 19:23:45

Thanks everyone. I was nervous posting as I thought you would all say I am an ungrateful cow.

I do feel like I am being sent away without a say. I already made plans to take our dd's out tomorrow. We were talking about it all day and now I will be letting them down.

I need some shoes, underwear etc but now I won't be able to get what I need on top of cost of trip, meals etc

theoriginalandbestrookie Fri 15-Feb-13 19:26:03

I don't understand why you have to spend money? Isn't he paying for it?

Bobyan Fri 15-Feb-13 19:26:39

Mmm, this sounds more like he's asserting his authority over you. Making you do what you are told.
Stay at home and make him go instead.

DameFanny Fri 15-Feb-13 19:29:38

Yy. Do what you want to tomorrow - it's he that's wasted the money and if he thinks the reservations have to be used he can go.

Onceupon Fri 15-Feb-13 19:32:05

He has paid for it, yes but we have a joint account so if all this money is coming out for the trip it doesn't sit well with me to spend more on myself. If I was going for just a few hours shopping closer to home I could budget more for the things I need.

tribpot Fri 15-Feb-13 19:35:50

God - so it's actually tomorrow?? This is even more bizarre. I don't think you should let your dds down. How are you meant to enjoy a day 'off' when you already had plans - and important plans at that?

I agree with Bobyan, I would tell him he can go instead. What's he going to do with the dds whilst you're away? Is he going to take them out?

scaevola Fri 15-Feb-13 19:37:10

Yes, I think it's weird. Unless there is somewhere you've been talking about (Ragdale Hall for me) or it's so you can go to a particular event which matches your interests (as that would be a thoughtful treat); I think it's very peculiar be thinking of a solo break away. Let alone booking one without consulting.

Even in the "nice surprise" category, I think it's high risk not to check dates. And it has rather left me wondering what he's planning for himself that requires your absence.

Whocansay Fri 15-Feb-13 19:39:43

I go without a word and come back early, unannounced, to find out what the hell he's doing that he needs me to be out of the way so desperately!

But I'm cynical.

changeforthebetter Fri 15-Feb-13 19:41:28

How weird and rather controlling. Of course, you shouldn't go if you don't want to. He has ignored your wishes and unilaterally decided to send you off with barely any notice. I think this is a weekend for a cards-on-the-table discussion about the way your marriage is and how unhappy it makes you. Does he think because he earns money he has more right to free time than you? Good luck brew

Onceupon Fri 15-Feb-13 19:43:35

He will take great care of the dcs and he will probably take them out. No issues there. He won't be getting up to anything I'm 100 percent sure of that.

He just hasn't a clue about me these days. He sees that after doing the bulk of housework/child care etc that I need a break so he does this. It isn't the first time. I have gone before and had a good time but luckily I was able to meet a friend but this time I know she isn't around. If he had put any thought in it HE knows she is away at the moment.

SanityClause Fri 15-Feb-13 19:44:35

I don't think you should go, just because it's paid for. You asked him not to do this again, and he ignored your wishes. He has wasted the money, not you.

yoyo123 Fri 15-Feb-13 19:47:03

men are strange beings.., it may be that he thinks that it will be a treat for you. I would hate it!

glitterbug82 Fri 15-Feb-13 19:52:10

To be honest I would take it as a 'right, I'm not taking no for an answer. You're having you one and that's that'. We've all had that overly 'busy' friend that we've dragged to the pub, demanding she take a break and have some fun. And just like you those friends are all
Genuinely busy, there's never a good time because responsibility never stops, so we almost have to force the situation and often feel like we're doing them a favour but not realising its not what you want. Men are tuned differently to us. They listen but kinda process it differently. He had your interests at heart, even if it doesn't seem it. Men are never gonna listen as well as our girlfriends do. It's just nature. Now go and enjoy your night away smile

theoriginalandbestrookie Fri 15-Feb-13 19:56:32

I'd go as it's paid for, but if you need new underwear and shoes then buy them provided it doesn't mean there is no money for buying food for the rest of the month.

It is irritating and I would be annoyed at DH if he did such a thing, but I guess it is paid for. Is there any chance he can do with the children what you were going to do?

ImperialBlether England Fri 15-Feb-13 20:38:35

I wouldn't go! It's not a treat for you, is it?

MarilynValentine Fri 15-Feb-13 21:53:24

Jesus. Controlling behaviour.

Don't go.

It's not as if he's planned a really special surprise - he just chose a weekend that fitted around all his needs and bought the easiest thing last minute. It kind of reinforces the idea that your needs are secondary.

MarilynValentine Fri 15-Feb-13 21:55:00

I mean you presumably want something that is yours, that you choose, that you can plan and look forward to.

This is his, not yours.

Grrrr!

Onceupon Fri 15-Feb-13 22:05:21

I'm just going to go. I tried talking to him but its useless. He means well. He says I need a break and I do but I wish it was on my terms.

WorriedTeenMum Fri 15-Feb-13 22:10:40

The money is already spent so it isnt a waste whether you go or not (accountant advice - never make a decision on the basis of a sunk cost).

So...

Go only if you want to.

What to say to him? Quote your own OP:

If we are going to spend this much money I would like to have a say in where I go and when.

Next time we go on holiday we will ask our teen DCs if they want to come. IMO you are entitled to the same courtesy.

tribpot Fri 15-Feb-13 22:10:44

You'll keep doing this - and resenting the shit out of it, the inconvenience, the expense, the presumption on his part - until you tackle it head on.

I would resolve when you get back to stop letting your entire life revolve around him. Start by planning your own bloody break!

Hope you manage to enjoy it.

AnyFucker Germany Fri 15-Feb-13 22:18:14

You don't have to go

Give the hotel place to one of your friends, stay home and tell him to fuck off for the night

who the hell does he think he is ?

do as you are told by Little Fucking Hitler this time, you will be doing it for ever more

you are not an obedient little wifey, are you ?

then don't act like one

AnyFucker Germany Fri 15-Feb-13 22:19:20

what's all this "you have to go now"..."when you get back you will have to talk to him"...

dig your fucking heels in and refuse

KeatsiePie Algeria Fri 15-Feb-13 22:27:05

Tbh. I don't think I would go either. If it were the first time, I would go. Since you've made it clear that you don't like this, you shouldn't have to go and do it anyway. I would be asking "look, really, why did you do this when I asked you not to?" until I got a proper answer, like until he had thought about it and explained for real. "I just thought you needed a break" does not really explain it as he knew you wouldn't like it.

PoppettyPing Fri 15-Feb-13 22:55:46

Weird. Just sending you off, on your own, when you've told him that's not your cup of tea? It does sound a bit controlling and inconsiderate. If he really wanted to treat you, why couldn't he have taken a day off work/sports and done all the housework and cooked you and DCs a meal, and let you put your feet up or read a book in a hot bath?

PoppettyPing Fri 15-Feb-13 22:56:53

Or whatever it is that is YOUR idea of a nice treat!

Dryjuice25 Fri 15-Feb-13 23:00:09

He is taking the piss! He knows you will not be happy about it, but he will make you go anyway...
This is a fucking power play. He will win it, because you will go as you don't want to waste the money. Money is power. He is a fucking idiot and he knows exactly what he is doing and is very disrespectiful. I hate people like him!

I would definately become really ill not go to break the cycle. He is a fucking child who needs to grow up and learn his lessons

cjel Fri 15-Feb-13 23:05:07

I don't think you have to go either. You can go and enjoy it and take it in the spirit it was meant caring and loving. Or you can waste weekend and be miserable at how horrid your DH is. I don't think you are ungrateful and understand the upset about not being listened to but don't get the anger that is directed towards DH on here. Just a thought but is he right that you need a break and your reaction to this is part of the being overstressed and feeling not valued? Whatever you decide I wish you good weekend.

AnyFucker Germany Fri 15-Feb-13 23:08:17

Ah. It's your own fault OP that you are feeling controlled and unhappy.

That's not a great reply, cjel

cjel Fri 15-Feb-13 23:22:44

didn't mean to suggest that, sorry, just when I've been stressed in the past I've misread things that DH did and he couldn't do right for doing wrong!! Also haven't been good at getting my point across (clearly still not!!!)and although for example OP had told him she didn't want him to do it, he may have thought it was her way of saying we can't afford it and she wasn't worth it or something and he thought he was genuinely being kind by doing this as a surprise and the suddeness was trying to make sure she used the treat and could spend ages trying to get out of what he thinks is something good. No way meant to say that is was OPs 'fault' Hope I haven't made you feel worse. Just don't always agree that DHs are controlling bastards as some people think on here.

cjel Fri 15-Feb-13 23:23:35

'couldn't' not could get out of it.

AnyFucker Germany Fri 15-Feb-13 23:29:47

Controlling is as controlling does

In other words, he is trying to make her do what she has told him she doesn't want to

and she feels she can't say no...even though she hates the idea of it

Onceupon Fri 15-Feb-13 23:54:19

Thanks for all the replies.

I suppose it is controlling. He sees me getting stressed and arranges a little break so I'll come back and be grateful and not expect him to be around so much.

He does work very hard and I appreciate that because of it I can be at home with the dcs but he doesn't seem to make the connection that if he puts in extra hours so do I.

He makes me feel guilty for getting a bit tired and fed up with the kids but it doesn't happen all that often. I am a bit of a home bird and love being a sahm but it makes me feel powerless. I feel I have to check with him before I make any plans because he is so busy and it feels like asking permission. In fact I know I actually say 'would it be ok if I go out for a meal on x night' . How pathetic is that?

AnyFucker Germany Fri 15-Feb-13 23:56:47

That's not good

So what he does is...pat little wifey on the head and send her off against her wishes for a speshul feminine treat of his choosing

fuck that

AnyFucker Germany Fri 15-Feb-13 23:59:00

Do you get much time to see your friends at all ?

Or he would rather you go and sit in a hotel room (but I suppose it's a naice hotel room....) on your own ?

why?

why would he do that ?

why doesn't he just mind his own kids and you have a night out with friends, of your own choosing ?

AnyFucker Germany Fri 15-Feb-13 23:59:42

are you nervous of your husband, OP ?

Onceupon Sat 16-Feb-13 00:06:50

Not nervous of him, no. He has never raised his voice let alone a hand to me.

It would take all night to go into details but I had crippling PND after Dc1 was born. I rarely left the house. He got used to living his life without considering I might want to go anywhere or have any plans.

I know I'm not entirely blameless, it's like I know I haven't the energy to resolve things so I just let it go.

You've said you really don't want to go. So please don't go! I wouldn't want to go on my own to a hotel, just for no reason!

(I have enjoyed being on my own in hotels... but there has been a positive reason for me to be there - eg work, someone's wedding)

You will just be wishing you were with your daughters. Don't go, then he won't buy this silly "surprise" for you again.

AnyFucker Germany Sat 16-Feb-13 00:10:42

But you are changing your behaviour because of him. You don't want to be packed off to a hotel on your own. But you are shutting the fuck up and going anyway (to keep the peace)

You would like to simply inform him you are going out one evening (as is your right) but you feel unable to do it (to keep the peace)

What "peace"

How much "peace" will be shattered if you stop treading on eggshells and do as you are ordered ?

Worrying stuff, sorry

AnyFucker Germany Sat 16-Feb-13 00:13:27

doing as you are ordered

KeatsiePie Algeria Sat 16-Feb-13 01:41:55

"He got used to living his life without considering I might want to go anywhere or have any plans."

This does makes sense to me -- it sounds like he got used to making many/all of the decisions in order to take care of things while you were not well. But that was a while ago it sounds like. So now, he has to get used to the fact that you want to be a joint participant in decisions as they are made.

And, he has to realize the fact that how hard/long he works has a direct impact on how hard/long you work.

So unless there are more serious issues in play (such as the issues AnyFucker is wondering about) it seems like you just need to tell him that as you guys are a team, you need to make plans together. Both wrt. his work schedule, your workload at home, and the time each of you will take off. I don't mean to oversimplify but would a straightforward talk with him on this not just take care of it? Would he listen and respond reasonably?

KeatsiePie Algeria Sat 16-Feb-13 01:42:33

Oops, ignore the "both." 3 concerns there, not 2.

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Sat 16-Feb-13 01:59:02

If it were me, I'd go. Not because I'd feel I had to or should but because your relationship needs some thinking about (by both of you) and I would tell him that's why I was going - not because he's booked it and was effectively sending me away. I would say to him that he's doing exactly what I told him I didn't want to do, that I was fed up of him thinking he was the only one 'putting in extra hours', that you are both parents and you are not the default parent only getting 'you' time on his schedule etc etc etc lay it all on the line before you go. Tell him you will be spending the time deciding if you still want to be in this marriage and if you do, what he needs to do to make it OK. Then go, enjoy it as much as you can and do some thinking.

I often think PND is not caused so much by hormones and pregnancy as it is by unsuppportive partners!! (I'm sure it's not entirely, but there does seem to be a huge amount of cross over!).

HollyBerryBush Sat 16-Feb-13 10:29:41

This is the sort of demented good intentioned thing my DH used to do!

Like yours he knows I'll never spend money on myself - however my idea of hell is a spa weekend. So we've had no more of those bright ideas grin and no, I didn't go.

He has now learned that asking the girls in his office for bright ideas just isn't ever going to come anywhere close to anything I might like to see/want/do.

cjel Sat 16-Feb-13 10:32:41

Am concerned by the number of directive 'yous' in posts by any!! They sound very controlling. PND has variety of causes and its sometimes hard to know which came first, partner that wasn't coping or pnd so see some sense in that view although having suffered and been helped by balancing hormones I do think its hormonal. I do however still hold the view that not all dps are bastards and while not blaming OP in any way, do think that sometimes when we are stressed and have pnd it is easy to misunderstand the motives of others. Obviously spell out how you feel but also be aware that we don't always think straight all the time.

badinage Sat 16-Feb-13 10:45:23

This is a very controlling gesture because this 'gift' is actually a gift to himself. For some reason he wants you out of the way this weekend, but instead of being honest about needing some space from you, he's dressed it up as a thoughtful gift that you'd be unreasonable to refuse. It would still be bad if money was no option, but the fact that you're in effect going to have to go without the things you wanted to spend the money on, makes this even more controlling.

It's possibly too late now, but I'd say no and stay around to tackle this sort of headfuckery.

cjel Sat 16-Feb-13 11:37:34

I still am not convinced that it is headfuckery as you say any more than a bottle of wine or bunch of flowers would be. Why does DH have to be mental? just because he made a bad choice doesn't mean he's controlling. He will have dcs for company this weekend so is hardly planning a rave is he?

cloutiedumpling Sat 16-Feb-13 11:51:34

Do your kids wake you up through the night? If so, I'd go to the hotel, have a really early night and enjoy a long lie in with breakfast cooked.

Do you get enough time off from the kids? Maybe it'd help if you sat down and agreed times off that you'd both have individually without the kids. And then make sure that you take that time off, even if you just sit in a café drinking coffee.

badinage Sat 16-Feb-13 12:00:09

It would be a mild sort of headfuckery if the flowers/bottles of wine were ones he knew his wife disliked and he liked, which is the correct analogy, but that would still be headfuckery. And er....a lot of men actually like having the children to themselves you know, just like women. No-one said he was 'mental' (horrible term) or was wanting 'a rave' either. Just that this gift sounds more about what he wants than what his partner wants and that it's his manipulative way of getting what he wants without having to admit to it.

Can I go instead, op? Sounds heavenly, a bath and full nights sleep

<mother of colicky screaming 7 week old whose head hurts like fuckery>

Bubblegum78 Sat 16-Feb-13 19:38:10

1) He ignored your wishes.. not ok
2) It's controlling..stay at home
3) Has he ever thought about you both going away?

As you say, he has no idea about you these days, he basically does what he wants 7 days a week and then throws you a bone once in a while and pats himself on the back for being so clever.... NOT COOL.

He needs to really wake up to his behaviour and you going is perpetuating it, if you go he will do it again and again.

AnyFucker Germany Sat 16-Feb-13 20:00:20

I think Op is currently sat silently fuming in a white fluffy dressing gown, eyeing up the bubbly and cursing her controlling husband

and reflecting on the fact that while most women would love a night in a hotel on their own, she does not and she told him this

but he forced her into it anyway

purrpurr Sat 16-Feb-13 20:01:01

Don't go, OP. Stay and have a straightforward, honest conversation. I really do not get why this is so impossible.

purrpurr Sat 16-Feb-13 20:02:52

Ahh shite, was the night away tonight? He sent you away on a Saturday night??? WTF?

AnyFucker Germany Sat 16-Feb-13 20:09:29

Yes, it was tonight

he sent her away on a sat night

he's done it before

she keeps going along with it, despite telling him she doesn't want to do it and they can't really afford it

some respondents think it is sweet

I think it is frankly fucking weird

How did he force her? Did he drive her there and shove her into the hotel?

If I didn't want to do something, I wouldn't do it. Simple.

Op said she is not scared of her H, so why go if she really didn't want to?

You need to stand up for yourself op, otherwise your H will keep doing it.

Busybusybust Sat 16-Feb-13 20:17:28

It is fucking weird AF. Why would he think that Op would want to spend a night totally n her own? That is really weird! It sounds to me that he is punishing her -rather than rewarding her for her hard work.

noddyholder Sat 16-Feb-13 20:19:32

It is controlling in your situation but I would LOVE it.

AnyFucker Germany Sat 16-Feb-13 20:20:18

If I didn't want to do something, I wouldn't do it. Simple.

That's lovely for you.

Now I am an assertive person, but I do at least recognise that there are more ways to "force" someone than bundle them in a car and drive them somewhere

Op posted the question "what do I say to my DP?"

there is an unhealthy dynamic in her relationship

she has tried to assert herself previously and it has fallen on deaf ears

however, there is a good chance the OP will come back and say she had a lovely time, and her partner has her best interests at heart, he is of course a fantastic bloke and a brilliant partner and I will look like a dick like I often do on these threads

until the next thread the OP starts, that is

carlywurly Sat 16-Feb-13 20:21:12

I'm with badinage and af, this is just bizarre, controlling behaviour. I wouldn't find it sweet, I'd be highly suspicious of why I'd been conveniently dispatched away from home.

If he'd organised for the two of you to be away it would be different, or even got your friends involved but this is all just odd IMO.

AnyFucker Germany Sat 16-Feb-13 20:24:01

I wonder how old OP's children are, and what will happen when they reach an age where they can report where they really spent the weekend when mummy was dispatched off to fuck knows where

I find this really, really odd.

Even discounting any ulterior motives about why Onceupon's DH might want her out of the house.

Ill admit, the first thing I thought was has he got someone coming over? As it seems quite sudden and forceful.

If I were op I would get a taxi back without telling him and see what's really going on.

carlywurly Sat 16-Feb-13 20:30:39

When my xh did this (except it was my grandads funeral I was 400 miles away for, he booked the flights and made sure I could go) i later found out his ow came 300 miles to my home to spend the weekend. My dc's were there, aged 3 and 1. the eldest had language delay and was not verbal enough to be able to tell me.

I will never ever forgive the fucker for exploiting that situation, me and the dc's. angry

AnyFucker Germany Sat 16-Feb-13 20:31:41

carly, that is fucking disgusting behaviour from him angry

As for what you should say to him, you say "If you spring a trip like that on me again I will not be going, so please don't spend the money on it again"

And you will need to stick to that, if there is a next time.

RandomMess Sat 16-Feb-13 20:37:42

I think it's really weird too confused

carlywurly Sat 16-Feb-13 20:37:58

Af, I remember you saying that at the time smile

It was the lowest point, and has made me the more assertive (and cynical) person I am today, but I do vividly remember swearing on here that xh was just hardworking and stressed, and would never cheat.

Op, I really hope your dh is acting in good faith. Sorry for projecting, but I just can't help thinking this rings alarm bells.

purrpurr Sat 16-Feb-13 20:39:55

None of this stacks up. Op, are you in a relationship with your DP, or are you more like staff?

AnyFucker Germany Sat 16-Feb-13 20:43:30

oh, carly...I hope you are in a better place now (I reckon you are..)

Lueji Sat 16-Feb-13 20:44:49

I haven't been cheated on (to my knowledge) and I am usually very trusting in that respect.

Yet, my first thought on this was: why does he want to be alone on this particular day?

And it screams of controlling, particularly after the OP saying she didn't want this again.

Plus it's not really nice to be sent away on your own.

And why a night, not a day at a spa, or something like that? hmm

carlywurly Sat 16-Feb-13 20:47:45

Very much in a better place, thank you grin

very odd.

and i would probably leave the house, go for a coffee somewhere and then turn up back at home after a few hours, unexpectedly.

or

just not go.

i would not put up with this. if it's really for your benefit then he'd be much more concerned that you were going to do something you actually wanted! that would really count!

ScillyCow Sat 16-Feb-13 20:52:37

I know I am going against the grain - but I would LOVE this.

Although, I have repeatedly said to DH that if I had 2 days to myself I would just check into a hotel and sleep - so booking me this would be kind of wish fulfilment. If he hadn't consulted me about when, I would just assume his heart was in the right place / he wanted to surprise me.

tribpot Sat 16-Feb-13 20:58:26

But she already had plans for this weekend. And she'd told him she didn't like this kind of 'surprise'. It feels more like something he was going to do was cancelled at the last minute so he thought 'right, seize the moment, shove the wife off for a night in a hotel' - not necessarily to get up to no good but so he can use it when she's next complaining about the amount of time he spends doing what he wants. "But I paid for you to go away, blah blah blah" - never mind it's money from the joint account that could have been spent on something else. Like a treat the OP actually wanted!

cjel Sat 16-Feb-13 21:57:01

AF the thought of you looking like a dick has made me smile. I may not always agree with you but don't think you'll ever look like a dick. you sound too coherent and lovely for that.

AnyFucker Germany Sun 17-Feb-13 10:26:28

Thanks, cjel smile

Bobyan Mon 18-Feb-13 19:03:30

Any update OP?

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