Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Is it always best to be honest? (No affairs involved)

(41 Posts)
k2togm1 Fri 15-Feb-13 18:20:04

Don't mean to be vague, but the facts are fuzzy. I may not love dh anymore, or maybe in having trouble with this more mature me I've become since becoming a mother.
The issue is that Dh gets on my nerves constantly, I am so easily irritated even I can't understand it! It's everything, the way he talks, the way he chews, the way he hits the spoon on the pan while cooking... It's ridiculous! I want to talk, but don't know what to say iyswim hmm

When did you have your baby OP?

Are you feeling ok otherwise?

AThingInYourLife Fri 15-Feb-13 18:23:39

Well don't tell him that.

That would be cruel and not even honest.

You can't be honest until you work out what you really feel and why.

Dumping your distaste of him in his lap with nothing constructive to offer would not be fair.

Presumably you once loved him.

Honour that until you have some kind of clarity about what you want.

AThingInYourLife Fri 15-Feb-13 18:25:35

Oh, good catch walter.

<hits self on forehead>

How are you feeling generally? How old is your baby?

k2togm1 Fri 15-Feb-13 18:27:56

Baby is a toddler! Almost 2 yoblush
I know what you mean, that's why I asked! I feel just mean and horrible...

k2togm1 Fri 15-Feb-13 18:29:02

Oh and I did love him yes! Still do in the caring kind of love, I just don't know.

I'm not going to shout PND on you k2 but I'm sure you know it doesn't have to arrive straight after the baby.

How long have you felt this way? Do you feel ok in general? Is there anything else on your mind?

AThing it's just because it sounds familiar!

I felt that way about DH after dc3. I didn't recognise it because I'd never had PND on the other two so didn't even think it was a possibility!

k2togm1 Fri 15-Feb-13 18:37:24

Hadn't thought of that walter, so you felt like this? We've considered pnd since the beginning, but was diagnosed with PTSD instead and had Cbt for it, it really helped with birth trauma.
I'd love some drugs to make me feel like I used to! I don't know what other symptoms I'd have, it's been so long I don't remember how not to feel this way!

Yes, exactly like you! It was horrible. It was like, I could remember loving him but at that time I couldn't imagine it because he seemed like such an irritating shit! blush

Everything he did annoyed me. Then he started tiptoeing around me and then that annoyed me because I felt guilty!

I wasn't sleeping either. At all!

Looking back, it's a bit of a blur. I don't remember it properly. I know how I was but can't really remember it being me IYSWIM!

I went to my GP one day and just started to cry. I couldn't tell you why I was crying I just cried and cried!

I was put on mild medication to start with and had some counselling.

When I started to get better, I was shocked that I had thought I didn't love him. I adore him! But it was just because I was ill.

I don't want to hijack or make you think that you have it. Your post just hit a chord with me. And it sounds like you had a really rough time with the birth which could possibly be causing ongoing depression.

Are you sad/angry? Are you sleeping?

k2togm1 Fri 15-Feb-13 18:52:01

I'm always angry, which I didn't used to, I used to be a very upbeat, cheerful person.

Your suggestion has hit a chord with me too, my only unease it that it does mean it all lies with me, which I've been screaming to him that it doesn't! Maybe screaming that you aren't crazy is in itself a sign of craziness??shock

my only unease it that it does mean it all lies with me, which I've been screaming to him that it doesn't

It doesn't lie with you smile it wouldn't be your fault any more than having the flu would be. It's a sickness and out of your control!

Plus, I could have won an award in screaming! I wasn't abusive or anything just very, very difficult to live with!

But DH has never, not once, held it against me. He was just relieved to see me happy again!

I think if you are angry all the time and you weren't always like that, it might be worth looking at the possibility? Maybe just a chat with your GP on Monday to start with?

And I'm always here to chat or pm me smile

k2togm1 Fri 15-Feb-13 19:00:36

Thanks, I know it's not my fault, that's not what I meant, more that I'm the one that is ill.
After the horror of PTSD I've been very keen on being mentally healthy, and whenever dh has questioned the effectiveness of Cbt I've become very defensive.
I know I'm a nightmare to live with, I'll go and see my gp. Thanks again.

BarbarianMum Fri 15-Feb-13 19:00:59

<<I'm always angry, which I didn't used to>>

Definitely consider depression (sorry sad). When I was depressed I don't remember being sad at all - just constantly angry and upset. Oh, and I couldn't sleep either.

Finally went to the GP about the insomnia - wonderful bloke spent 5 min talking to me and prescribed mild anti depressants. I had forgotten what normal feels like (it's wonderful, by the way).

AThingInYourLife Fri 15-Feb-13 19:05:58

Glad you are going back to your GP.

Best of luck, k2 smile

* I had forgotten what normal feels like (it's wonderful, by the way)*

YY to this. It was such a relief!

I know what you mean, k2 but please remember how far you've come from your PTSD and how strong you are to even think there's something wrong! (((Un-mumsnetty hugs)))

And keep posting! Even just to chit-chat!

k2togm1 Fri 15-Feb-13 19:12:06

Ok now I'm crying reading your posts... Def not normal, am I?
Now that you mention the sleep, I've been wondering how is it that when ds has a good night I still wake up and don't go back to sleep even when I'm exhausted, in all honesty I though my body was use to not sleeping due to ds! Gosh I've not been thinking straight!!

I think you should speak to the GP. I went on ADs for a year. I felt like you and went to the GP and filled in the questionnaire and talked about how I felt etc. I saw her every fortnight to begin with and then every 8 weeks whilst on them and regularly re-completed the questionnaire and then I came off them slowly whilst seeing the GP regularly when ready and my score was good. It sounds like a faff but when properly monitored and supported they truly are fantastic. I felt like a new person and wondered exactly how long I'd been depressed after they began to work.

I was often in a low mood for most of the day beforehand. I felt worthless and useless a lot and I had lost enjoyment and interest in life, I had poor motivation and simple tasks seemed difficult. I was always lacking in energy, irritable and tired. I couldn’t just snap out of it, life felt so grey. I had this sinking feeling that the whole journey of life was now going to be like this with little enjoyment and even less hope.

I had this lethargy, this weariness for life and hopelessness. Everyday was like wading through treacle and yes my husband at the time, I was exactly like you, very angry, everything he did made me angry. Everything!

Yes I had trouble sleeping too sad

k2togm1 Fri 15-Feb-13 19:37:04

Thanks dontstep, I have a really good gp so hopefully it'll work out, glad it did for you!

jjgirl Fri 15-Feb-13 19:41:17

Are you on the mini pill? It can cause these side effects in some people.

k2togm1 Fri 15-Feb-13 19:50:49

No way jji!! I am!

k2togm1 Fri 15-Feb-13 19:51:17

Although I wasn't much better before going on it...

I was going to say mini pill too - it made me have all of these really negative thoughts, but in a way that I knew just weren't coming from any rational place. I put two and two together, stopped taking it and a week later pretty much back to normal. The advice about going to your gp though still sounds very good.

k2togm1 Mon 18-Feb-13 15:57:47

Wow, can't believe it might have been the mini pill, it's been 3 days of not taking it and I already don't have as many people as before, and actually feel some degree of sympathy for dh... Have a gp app next week. Thanks again, I wouldn't have though of it by myself!

Glad you're feeling better k2 smile

But do go to your GP app just in case!

k2togm1 Mon 18-Feb-13 17:32:52

'Have' should read *hate!
Thanks, will do.

k2togm1 Tue 19-Feb-13 09:42:17

Just in case someone is still reading, yesterday I was feeling great, and had a chance to talk with dh ( our house is overcrowded ATM) so I told him everything about my question here and your answers, etc, and now he is upset. He's happy that I seem to have found a solution to a problem, but he worries that I asked a question about honesty, he believes that honesty is the most important thing in a relationship, something he sticks by even to the bitter end (such as no that dress does not look good on you kind of thing, which I appreciate to certain extent...), his own family fell apart when he was a teenager due to the weight of a lot of lies, so I understand where he is coming from. I feel I would've been kinder not telling him everything...
And he is also upset about me asking these questions to an online community before talking with him about then issues, it's the second time this happens, that's where he is coming from.
So everyone now is upset, and I feel truly down again.hmm

DIYapprentice Tue 19-Feb-13 10:10:01

You asked a question about honesty - because you knew that if you told him everything you felt it would have really, really hurt him.

There is a difference between caring/loving honesty and brutal honesty. You knew the way you were feeling was wrong and something had to be done. You were being HONEST with yourself, and trying to avoid hurting him. Loving honesty tries to avoid making the situation worse, tries to find ways of fixing things without crushing people in the process. By asking on an anonymous forum where nobody would be hurt by what you said, you had a chance of getting some honest advice (which might have been brutal, actually! But as you don't have a relationship with these anonymous people, would have been easier to recover from)

Brutal honesty is exactly that - brutal. And quite frankly many people and relationships never recover from brutal honesty. Brutal honesty is actually very unkind. It says 'I don't care how you feel about what I say, I'm going to say it no matter how much it hurts you'.

I think your DH is too extreme in his honesty, veering towards brutal honesty and if he doesn't watch it, it could cause irrecoverable damage to your relationship. Loving honesty is nothing like the lying upbringing he had.

k2togm1 Tue 19-Feb-13 11:07:43

Thank you diyapprentice, thank you for putting into coherent words what I thought.
We are, apart from everything else, in a difficult situation because my parents are living with us and we have no space/time to ourselves whatsoever. I know this needs to change quickly! We need to talk with time and space to ourselves before its too late.

There is such a thing as too much honesty.

You're asking questions because you want to understand what it is that's 'wrong'. This is absolutely the best place to come. He can't know PND. He can't know the side effects of contraception.

He needs to stop being selfish and realise that you need an avenue and if this is it, then that's great.

Or would he rather you'd said "I don't love you, we're over"?

Because even if you did decide that, it would be a well thought out decision and not because of any other factors!

k2togm1 Sun 24-Feb-13 22:37:46

Just an update as don't want to run from thread. We've had some time to talk and things are better, we agree we should always talk, but it takes me (mainly) sometime to come down and think things clearly, which means 'delaying' honesty so I don't blurt out horrible things in anger.
He didn't get at first how it possibly bring depression could be a positive in my eyes, but after I told him about some of the things said in this thread he understands.
I'm going to the gp on Tuesday.
Thank you all again.blush

Good luck x

k2togm1 Mon 25-Feb-13 09:10:50

Thanks dontstep!
Bring should have been *being!!

k2togm1 Wed 27-Feb-13 10:48:53

Update. Went to see gp yesterday and she remembered me and said: ' I'm glad you've come round to having some medication for depression, I always thought you needed it' !!! Background to this is that when I went to see her I felt she was just throwing drugs at me when what I wanted was therapy, and Cbt was def good for me, but perhaps I had both PTSD and pnd...

Busybusybust Wed 27-Feb-13 11:05:13

Oh my goodness - this resonates with me too! After DC4. Although I knew I had PND, the doctor didn't believe me, so it went untreated.

I didn't actually equate that my DH annoyed the Hell out of me with PND. I was utterly vile to him. To this day I have no idea why he didn't leave me - God knows I treated him so badly that he deserved to be canonised for sticking with me. It passed eventually and we got over it.

Oh I'm so so glad that you went, let me know how it continues to go x

cupcake78 Wed 27-Feb-13 18:44:44

All sounds very familiar op. I had PND after ds and denied it. I was so angry and snappy, couldn't sleep and dh just grated on me. Everything he did was so annoying.

I didn't feel normal, I thought it was just the change to motherhood but I really knew it wasn't right.

I'm pleased your getting help with this now. Good luck

DIYapprentice Wed 27-Feb-13 20:10:40

I'm so pleased you went, OP, and that your GP was so supportive.

k2togm1 Fri 01-Mar-13 17:49:31

Well, have taken only two citaliprams so far (5mg a day, so take a 10mg tablet every two, due to 'being a sensitive soul' according to go blush) and wow, first day didn't sleep and had nausea and a splitting headache, now, although very early days, feel amazing! Haven't hated dh in a full two days, and can see how he is doing things that a week ago would have sent me off the walls, and now I don't care! How weird is that?? But the biggest change is with ds, can't really put it into words, but its like its the first time I really 'enjoy' him being <my> ds, and truly feel unconditional love towards him, heck, I'm even grateful at his birth! (Which caused PTSD if you remember). In short, amazing. Should have done it soooo much sooner.

k2togm1 Fri 01-Mar-13 17:50:27

*gp

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now