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It's possible that I've been reading the relationships board for too long, but would you think this was odd?(194 Posts)
DH has gone to a friends house for a gathering this evening, told me he'd probably be dropped home in the morning or at the very least about 4am.
I've just received a text saying 'Hi baby, I'm at [friend's name]'s, see you soon xx'.
It just rings wrong to me (referring to the 'see you soon', as obviously I won't be seeing him soon IYSWIM), would it cross your mind he'd sent it to you by mistake?
Our relationship hasn't been great recently, but I've had no reason to think he might be cheating. The message just seems... Odd.
I don't want to accuse anything
in case I'm batshit but felt like MN was the place to come.
It is a bit odd, yes.
Does he usually address you as 'baby'?
Does he normally call you "baby" and put xx at the end of messages?
Wouldn't mean anything to me, sorry. 'See you soon' is a pretty standard sign-off, isn't it? I'm pretty sure I've said 'see you soon' when I'm unlikely to see the person for months. A man who made the mistake of calling me 'baby' OTOH.... instant death.
Depends if he normally calls you baby?
Hmm, it is a bit odd seeing as you knew were he was going. It could just be he's already had a couple to drink and is missing you.
Either way I doubt you'll find out, if he was texting someone else he won't admit to it!
text him back saying 'are you coming home early then?'
Well, I think see you soon can mean next week or even never, it's just a sign off, means goodbye really in lots of cases.
Key is if he usually refers to you as baby in texts. Also were you expecting him to let you know he'd arrived?
Are these gatherings a regular thing and does he usually keep these hours or are they something that has started fairly recently?
You do at least know he's at the friend's house he's supposed to be at. TBH, I think if he was cheating, it's more likely he'd be somewhere else entirely.
Hmm. How old are his friends? Are they the type to send a message like this on his phone for a "joke"?
He'd left about 30 mins before sending the message, and friend lives about 10 mins away- fair enough, probably stopped off at the garage for cigarettes or something.
He sometimes calls me baby, but not very often anymore. I never get xx on the end of a text, usually lucky if I get one.
I don't normally get jealous so this isn't me reading into every little thing, it just seemed like a very strange text to send given the circumstances
Answer with "Ok,what time do you want me to get there?"?
It is a bit odd.
Any other behaviours lately or is this it? If this is all then its really probably nothing.
I replied 'Soon? Have a good night x' and just received 'x' back.
I don't know, maybe I'm just being silly.
I wouldn't answer. It does sound odd to me. I wouldn't mention it, and would just keep an eye. What does your gut instinct say to you?
He goes to this friend's every Friday, but in the daytime as they all work nights so it's their Friday night IYSWIM. This is the first actual evening he's been.
No other major behaviours, but he never wants to spend time with me and I always feel on egg shells around him (I've had previous threads, he's not violent towards me or anything, just nasty at times).
I'm sorry to say that it seems a bit fishy
Does he normally let you know he has arrived somewhere you know he is going to,30 mins after he has left you?
Oh no hun, what a horrid situation. I am not one of the wise ones on this board really but why were you not invited to this `gathering' too?
Yes that's weird.
I mean, he told you where he was going already, right? So there was no need to tell you again 20 mins later...
Did he leave from yours, or straight from work? I'd think it odd that he sent the text to say he'd got there if he'd previously been at home with you, unless it was a long or awkward journey.
If he'd gone there straight from work, he might have sent it just to remind you he was going straight out and not to expect him back.
However, the extra info about walking on eggshells, nastiness, not wanting to spend time with you coupled with the text would make me suspicious.
Hmm, in that case it does sound a bit odd. The other thing I wondered about is, who's likely to drop him home at 4am if they're all drinking?
Do you know his friend's DP? Could you call for a chat, or invite her over for a glass of wine as you're both on your own tonight?
Would it be possible to ring the friends house tonight with an excuse to quickly check something with him? If I was the paranoid type then I'd be thinking he's gone to his friends first and is then planning on heading to his secret mistresses house, so I'd ring quite late at around midnight maybe.
It could just be a daft text from him though.
Hello mate, hhhm, being honest that might make me feel the same way. The text he sent back sounds ok though, he might have taken a while to respond if there was anything dodgy going on.
Hope it's all ok x
Forget the text
You walk on egg shells because he is nasty to you
Why are you with him?
Just seen your other post re people working nights. So is this gathering usually all male? if so, get someone he doesn't know to door knock in a bit and pretend to be some... survey person or something and see if there are females there. You know him best and if this seems out of the ordinary behaviour it probably is.
He sent that 30 mins after leaving on a routine local drive? That is a bit strange, yes, unless you usually keep each other updated on movements. I might send a text like that if I'd just driven an hour in the snow and DP had been worried when seeing me off.
sounds a little fishy to me too if he's not in the habit of calling you baby and putting xx's on texts to you...But, not a lot to get crazy about. Think I'd just sit on it for a while and be a bit more alert. Not wanting to ruin a relationship but equally, if he IS up to something...better to find out and move on one way or another IMO.
No, he wouldn't normally text me to let me know he had arrived somewhere. Another reason it just felt weird when I read it.
I can't work out whether it's my instincts that should be listened to, or just a dose of the sad and insecures that should be buried in a glass of wine.
I wasn't invited as they aren't my friends, and I never am. I've met them all a couple
Of time and didn't get the impression they disliked me, but I'm just not one of their crowd I guess.
They range in age from 25-38 ish I think?
If it feels 'wrong' it probably is.
You walk on egg shell and he never wants to spend time with you and he's nasty to you. That in itself would be enought to ring big alarm bells, I'm afraid. And, before I'd read that, yes, I would think the original text was a bit odd
The nastiness and not wanting to spend time with you is so horrible. Have you thought about leaving him?
If that happened to me I would think it was not meant to be sent to me.
Yes to what others are saying about he is treating you generally as well.
Not all males, and I don't know his friend's Dp well enough to invite her over. I don't even have any of their numbers or the address.
anyfucker I've been thinking very much about this lately and planning a sit down to explain how he's making me unhappy and to give him one last chance to sort it. I really respect your opinion as a poster, I tend to agree with you 9 times out of 10, I'm not ignoring the issue I just thought it was worth a last ditch attempt to get him to stop taking me for granted.
Do you spend much time feeling sad and insecure with your nose in a wine glass?
Relationships aren't meant to be like that
The text is odd and I would feel twitchy about it too.
He sounds unpleasant, sorry Scented.
You are giving him one last chance ?
It's not going so well.....
How long has he been in this group of friends?
Has he purposefully excluded you from the group then?
Sorry if I've missed it, is this an all male gathering or are women there too?
Could that be a way in then, say that you were worried about the text and how you then realised that things were not ideal and that you feel really sad about how things?
I've not read your other threads, so don't know whether he deserves "one last chance" or not. But I think if you had that sit down chat tomorrow, his response would tell you quite a lot.
Amberleaf he hasn't excluded me as such, but they are all gamers and I am not, so I doubt it would occur to him to invite me anyway.
He's been friends with them for about a year since he started his current job.
OP, you said he works nights - is that all the time? Does he want to spend his weekends with you? What would happen if you suggested that the two of you went out together on a Friday night?
I think that text was not meant for you.
It is warm, affectionate and doesn't match with how you said he was speaking to you yesterday (on the disappointing Valentines thread).
But yes, you shouldn't be with someone who has you on eggshells because of nastiness.
Yes it's permanent nights avon.
If I suggested a night out, he'd be 'too tired'. He spends time at home on his pc, and considers us spending time together of he deigns to watch tv in the same room as me.
If I tell him that I feel we don't spend enough time together, I get 'well come up with something better to do then.'.
OP, it sounds as though you could find something better to do than spend time with him; he sounds mean!
Everything's obviously not good, but could his awful behaviour be more to do with a gaming addiction than unfaithfulness? i.e he doesn't want to do anything except play.
Why was his regular gathering moved to the evening this week? Why are all his colleagues able to meet tonight if they usually do it during the day because of nightshifts?
He's not sounding like much of a partner to be honest- sorry.
How long has the unpleasantness/distancing been going on? Within the last year or has he always been a bit like that?
Hmmm. Too tired to go out with you (and, yes, I know night work can be life-sapping), but not too tired to spend a day/evening gaming with his friends? Do you want to be with this man? Sorry if this is a bit
stalkerish odd, but I just looked at your profile and what a gorgeous picture of you! You look like a young Cyndi Lauper, full of life. I can't help but feel at the thought of you tip-toeing round someone who quite possibly is not worthy of your affections.
I never ever post with 'i'd be suspicious'. There are always plenty of wise MNers who know what they are talking about and give good advice.
But, scented, when i read your OP and your replies about your H, i felt i had to say i'd be worried too. I'm sorry.
It sounds as if you deserve much much better than the way he is treating you. Have you a friend you can call on this evening?
I agree with others, I genuinely do not believe that message was intended for you. In which case, who is he calling 'baby' and putting multiple kisses after a message about seeing them soon? Totally inappropriate.
Thank you avon that's very nice of you to say
hoaz, they work sun-thurs (if I'm outing myself, please don't say anything) so have just decided to do it the evening the week, not sure why.
I know it sounds awful that I haven't just left, it always does online, but I've just been trying to get my thoughts together so we can have a proper chat about it and hopefully work it out. I suppose I've just been hoping that he doesn't realise just how much time he doesn't spend with me, and how much he takes me for granted.
Then this text...
Sorry, on phone so can't remember who asked, but no, no friends that I could ask over tonight. I only really have two, and both are busy. I wouldn't want to run the risk of sounding like a jealous weirdo yet either
Would these friends of his condone to an affair if this was the case? Know it may sound stupid but cud the text have been a silly text meant for one of his male friends. My 18 year old nephew addresses his male best mate as "luv". plus they put kisses on their texts and he isnt gay! otherwise i am sorry to say but i dont think that text was meant for you. With regards texting 30 mins later he didnt say he had just got there did he. perhaps cud have been there 20 mins before sending the text out?
I asked about friends
If a friend of mine told me about this i wouldn't say she was being a jealous weirdo. We'd have a good chat about what the next step is.
"I wasn't invited as they aren't my friends, and I never am."
Separate friends who are also not 'friends of the marriage' is a bad sign.
His going out every single friday is another.
His nastiness is a third.
The text is a fourth.
If you decide to confront, and please do not, I think he will deny and reassure, and you will never know. I would dig deeper, at the very least.
Ok, well I've just read the thread where he needles you into an argument about your mostly-conquered eating disorder which culminates in him saying you're weird about food and a patronising bitch, and storming off with slammed doors.
That was last May.
Whatever is going on here, it needs to stop, yes?
Sorry, that sounds like I'm being harsh AT you. Didn't mean it to sound like that! I am just a bit .
I agree not to confront. As you dont have anything concrete it would be very easy for him to gaslight you.
I also think you should dig deeper. How I dont really know.
It's ok madbuslady ( I smiled writing that ) I knew what you meant
I know it needs to change, I do. But I worry that maybe after this arguments I'm remembering them too one sidedly, and that maybe I'm over sensitive or not recognising properly where I'm at fault.
fluffy you sound like a nice friend
Well I'm glad you've had one smile this evening
What you're describing sounds a lot like that fog of self-doubt one gets into with nasty people. (Plus a dose of toddler sleeping pattern, of course!)
Do you have a plan for having this chat? Have you tried to have it before?
I have tried before, but it always end up in a big row about 'you always' 'but you always' etc. that's why I've been trying to get my head together about how to phrase my issues properly. I know I can come across as a bit grumpy. He does sometimes say that he knows he spends too much time on his pc and that he's sorry, but nothing changes.
I don't know. I just want him to see that I can't spend my twenties feeling like this, but then I worry that he does see but just doesn't care.
No one should have to put up with this sort of crappy relationship stuff, but honestly, you are too young and gorgeous to spend your 20s with an arse.
He doesn't seem to sound that bothered about it all?
but then I worry that he does see but just doesn't care
I think you could be right, there, OP. Whatever is going on - whether it's an addiction to the PC/Gaming, an affair or that he just doesn't really care enough, this doesn't sound like a relationship that you're getting much out of. Would you agree? You're right in that you can't spend your 20s like this - well, you can, but you don't have to.
It doesn't matter what he thinks about how you "spend your twenties"
Is this how you want to spend your twenties ? It would be a right fucking waste if that were the case.
You're not going to suddenly find the right words to express your concerns which will magically make him take notice of you. If you've tried all sorts of different approaches, if you've tried reigning in "grumpiness" etc, and it hasn't happened so far, it isn't going to happen in the next sit-down, or the one after that.
You are gorgeous.
He doesn't know he's born.
Someone out there will realise how lucky he is and will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
I was also coming on to say you are stunning and could do much better! Honestly you are only in your 20's-get out now! You could have a great life without this twunt. Dont be like me and be approaching 40 in a shitty relationship-you are worth more.
Btw if your dp is the guy in the wedding pic then he is punching well above his weight and wants to fucking know it!
Rockinastocking Ashoething, you're both very kind, thank you. I've gone up two dress sizes since the wedding unfortunately though- a mixture of having DD and donuts
I know you're all right. I hate it, but I do know. I just don't think I'm in a place where I'm ready to go yet. I completely recognise that I'm probably wasting my time, but for some reason I feel like I need to at least give this chat one more try. I'm the worst kind of Relationships board poster aren't I?
I'm sorry if anyone feels I'm wasting their time, I really appreciate the advice, I do.
You've tried to explain, he hasn't changed, and isn't nice to you.
YOU are responsible for how you spend your twenties, sounds like they'd be better without him, whether or not he is having an affair.
Scented, you are married to this man. You have a child. No one thinks you are wastimg their time. Its a big decision and very natural to want to make sure you have given it a proper chance!
OP, just want to say, please don't feel ashamed about not wanting to leave right now. You can only do it when you are ready. And feeling ashamed / inadequate about not doing it would just contribute to your overall unhappiness and insecurity. Just tell yourself, that you will decide what to do when you're ready, and you don't have to decide right now.
Having a relationship with this guy, or rather not, is the first thing I would be sorting out. Life is too short for relationships with unnapreciative idiots!
Thanks everyone for being so kind. I've now had another text from him that makes me think he's probably half cut now- can't help feeling a little bit sad that he's having fun with other people but never seems to have fun with me. <sigh>
Your chat has to at least ask who that text was meant for, because honestly, it wasn't meant for you.
Why would he tell where he was minutes after leaving you, with you full-well knowing where he was going?
But yes, as AF says, this text is just the tip of the iceberg.
Undoubtedly you can do a lot, lot better than this bloke, behaving as he is at present.
How would you phrase asking Midnight? I keep trying to work out how to ask without just sounding unhinged, but coming up blank
If he were doing the dirty, would he do it at his friends?
If I suspected my DP was doing the dirty on me, id get a last minute babysitter and id go over to where he said he was with some sort of excuse.
I don't know frustrated, none of his friends would tell me if he did. I wouldn't have thought he would be the type to cheat ordinarily, but his attitude towards me coupled with the odd text have just started my brain whirring.
These things are not easy. I think nothing I say on Relationships is a waste of time if it occasionally makes somebody lift their eyes from the problems of everyday life (which is especially hard with small children) and focus on where they would ideally like to be headed. I think if you revisit this often enough and start to visualize a future you actually like the sound of, you'll be laying yourself a path to final decision-making.
Did you have fun with him originally?
Hi scented, so sorry to read how you are being treated. Does he come from an ice cold family,that never showed him love as a young person growing up? Does he show love towards his DD? You so deserve a better man than he is, at the moment. As others have said, you are a beautiful young lady.
Maybe he is gaming, but ending the evening with his mates well before 4 am or whatever, and is off elsewhere for the rest of the night? He's got all night to do what he wants basically.
That was my first thought when I read the text - which, no , sorry I don't think was for you - it makes no sense to send you a text like that, given you knew where he was going, and he doesn't call you "baby".
He's being a git. You are gorgeous and your baby is edible! Go to Relate. You are very unhappy and this needs sorting one way or another.
Sit him down and tell him you are miserable and considering separation and want relationship counselling. If he refuses kick his sorry arse out, you and your lovely daughter deserve to be fought for, hopefully he'll pull his socks up.
If there's an OW he'll act relieved and go. Hard and painful but win-win long term. Good luck!
(I don't like the text either but stick to concrete stuff for now)
I don't think I am wasting my time, but I will keep posting the same thing over and over
You are married to this creep ?
I wouldn't give my husband a pass every friday night to have fun with God knows who, while I cried into my wine and sought comfort from internet strangers
You need to dump this guy, and your fucking life back
We were best friends for a few years before starting a relationship madbuslady, but the past two years or so he's become very distant and says he's 'getting old' when I say I miss how we used to be
flatbelly His family are not hugely close, and he has a lot of resentment towards his mum from his childhood, you may have hit the nail on the head there. He's sometimes brilliant with DD, but other times is quick to anger or seems like he just can't be bothered And thank you- I'll get a big head before the night is through!
Madeleine It will be interesting to see who drops him home in any case.
OP, you are right. That text wasn't meant for you. He'd only left half an hour before. He'd told you when he was coming back. He's not over-friendly to you (to say the least.)
Think of that text again:
'Hi baby, I'm at [friend's name]'s, see you soon xx'
He's texting another woman saying he's at his mates and he will see her soon. He's NOT texting you. Yes, he sent you another text later when you made him wet himself when you responded to the above text.
He doesn't call you baby any more. He doesn't leave kisses on texts. He doesn't even text you! Why on earth would he send you that text?
I'm sorry to be so harsh. If he treated you well I would probably think he was having an affair but wouldn't be so blunt. You are in your twenties, literally the prime of your life, and this man treats you like this. You are fooling yourself thinking he will change after a talk with you.
Thank you Vexed, I hadn't really considered counselling, but seems like it could be a good idea.
I'll get there AnyFucker, one way or another. I do appreciate the time internet strangers are spending giving me advice, there're some bloody lovely people around these here ends
You're a few months older than my daughter. If she were you I'd have to stage an intervention. A helicopter job, a man diving through your windows to rescue you. Do you not know how lovely you are and how lovely some men are?
I know Imperial, everything you say rings true. Deep down I know he won't change after I try this talk once more, but I feel like I owe it to myself to know I tried everything I could.
Don't make me bloody cry <watery >
In the course of the conversation, I would simply say...
'By the way, I don't think the text you sent me on Friday night was for me. I think it was meant for someone else and sent to me by mistake. I don't actually expect you to tell me the truth about it, so feel free to deny it. But the very fact that I'm automatically suspicious about a text which so clearly wasn't meant for me, speaks volumes about our relationship'.
And leave him to bluster defensively, in complete silence.
But it doesn't matter how hard you try if he isn't. Please don't waste years on this. Ultimatum, counselling or out, grit your teeth!
Think about it this way - you are unhappy, wondering of he wants the marriage, if he's faithful. You've got nothing to lose, worst case is he leaves and you can rebuild and be happy!
I know it's not that easy when you're living it, I am just trying to galvanise you xx
Thanks Vexed, I feel stronger just reading this thread. I might print it out and read it when I forget how things should be. I just didn't want to have a failed marriage before I'm 26... I know that nobody does, I know, but I just keep thinking if i tried harder... I'm an idiot.
Love, I think there are probably a lot of women on here could tell you a failed marriage at 26 gives you a hell of a lot more options than a failed marriage at 46 after twenty years of trying harder.
If it does fail, it's not your doing. It's the fault of the heartless person who conned you into marrying him.
That text would not be wierd at all coming from my dh. But we are a bit joined at the hip, and if we go anywhere separately (apart from work, obviously) then we would text to say we got there, and look forward to seeing each other afterwards (so might say 'see you soon') and always put kisses. But only you can say if it's odd behaviour for your dp, and from your posts it sounds like it is, especially if he goes there every week and has never texted you like that before. You could just ask, did you mean that text for me.
I don't know your story but everyone else seems to, and it seems this guy is awful anyway (why on earth would it not occur to him to invite you out or go out with you instead of leaving you at home every week and going out with other people? How thoughtless and uncaring). So I would LTB regardless of the possibility of cheating added to the mix.
The Relationships boards are littered with women who tried, and tried, and tried
to no avail
society pushes this agenda that women have failed if their partnerships don't work out...completely forgetting that it takes two to build one
but only one to ruin one
don't waste too much time, love
when you are my age and you look back on this, you will want to kick yourself
Better to get divorced at 25 than to be miserable till you're 30. Don't put off 'the conversation' - if he wants to make it work things can start improving straight away.
Aw bless you! Crossed posts and I recognise myself from a decade ago. I was in a horrible marriage and used to cry at the thought of being divorced by the age of 21! I did get divorced before then as I couldn't put up with the ex's terrible behaviour any longer. It was the best decision ever. I met dh shortly after and fell in love. We have been together 10 years and are still living the happily ever after. Get rid of this knob. Nobody cares if you're divorced or not these days. You could be passing up your perfect man by hanging on to this knob head just for the sake of ticking a different marital status box!
Thank you all so much, I can't explain how much better I feel just getting this all out- you've all been so kind.
I know that this can't go on, even if he is faithful and the distance etc is all in my head, I'm still not happy and that's not good enough- for me or DD. Especially DD. She's so wonderful, and it breaks my heart when he passes up having a cuddle to play on his stupid, wanking, sodding computer.
I'm going to give this talk a try (I know I might be mad to bother, but I need to) and his reaction to it will dictate what I do next.If he gets angry again, I need to leave.
I don't know how I will, I'm a SAHM and have no savings, but I will cope.
I will, won't I?
It's times like this I feel very young and out of my depth.
Just a thing that popped into my head re: the text. Does he do drugs? Coke for example? That could explain the, uh, unusual 'friendliness' and warmth of it. Maybe MDMA? Do they get high, drink and play games all night? On uppers. Just a thought.
You absolutely will cope Scented and you will be happier.
It's times like this I feel very young and out of my depth.
Well, there I have some good news and some bad news. I am 34, and I still feel young and out of my depth. And I don't even have kids - I am scared of it! I am in awe of you for doing it, seriously.
Basically, I don't think anyone ever really feels in their depth. You just muddle through and get better at hiding it.
Does anyone have Olgaga's Big List of Financial Stuff?
he must have started snorting/throwing the pills down his neck the minute he walked through the door of his "mates" to send a text like that only 20 mins after arriving
No drugs kali, and definitely not with work mates.
Yep, AnyFucker A couple of lines and he'd be feeling quite quite lovely and at peace with the world almost immediately.
MadBusLady That's very reassuring, in a strange kind of way You've been lovely, thank you.
No drugs kali, and definitely not with work mates.
Well no real expertise on these things but I just ran your story past DP, who normally gives everyone the benefit of the doubt. He too thinks it sounds fishy.
FWIW, you sound a very giving person. Remember sometimes you need to put yourself and your daughter first.
kali, I guess it depends if you believe the premise of the story he tells in the first place
I certainly do not
Would you guess he's not where he says he is then AnyFucker?
I would say he is untrustworthy and disrespectful, love
After that, it doesn't really matter where he is
Please dont let him walk all over you. He is getting away with disrespecting you and going out all the time needs to be addressed.
you definitly need to chat to him and address these issues. Sounds like you are both unhappy in this relationship. Is there anything you can think of that you do which may annoy him or piss him off so much so that he has lost respect for you?
I know a lot of mners have said it but I would be suspicious too, and I don't think the message was meant for you. The reason he responded to your text with a X is because it would look too weird to ignore it. I get the impression that after he leaves his gaming friends he's probably going to see someone else. If he is seeing someone else I doubt his friends know about it. A lot of people frown on adultery and in my experience people who tend to have affairs keep it to themselves until they get caught.
Again if it feels odd to you it's because it is. I would spend the evening going through his things to see whether I could find evidence. If he is mean to you and potentially having an affair are you sure you want to give him a second chance.
All relationships have their ups and down and only you know whether this is just a bad patch or worse. I think you should have the talk. Good luck and i'm so sorry you are going through this.
Have your 'chat'. You need to - for your own sake so that you know you have tried. Think about what you want and set a time limit on receiving it... Say six months maximum? And then stick to it. Life is too short to stay with a man who doesn't love and cherish you. You are young, beautiful, vibrant and already have a gorgeous DD. The world is your oyster. I re-married aged 38 to a beautiful young thing and have never looked back. Do the talk. Do your thing; if he doesn't measure up then do the MN and LEAVE THE BASTARD. Good luck OP, I know you will be just fine
I don't have much to say to the already wonderful advice given here OP. What I will say is that you are stunning and I'm struck in your pics by how much life and vibrancy you have. Don't let this unworthy man suck it all out of you. Leave him (when you get your courage up of course) and leave him to his Friday night gaming (which really says it all about what a tedious nitwit he must be!) You can and will do better but not if you stay in this disrespectful and damaging 'relationship'
I wish you all the best. You sound like a lovely person, with so much love to give. You will find someone to share it with but this man is not him I'm afraid.
Love, you are in your 20's - you should be out there enjoying, living and loving your life. It doesn't matter how much you try, he's not and it takes two. It is hard when you have married and made a public statment about your love & commitment, to then turn around and say 'it's over' - but honestly, you just have to think 'who gives a fuck' none of those people are having to live your life. You and your lovely little DD will be much happier away from him - he's not a nice person. I don't want to spoil any of your memories, but look at the body language in your wedding photo... it's a bit of a clue
I know right now you probably don't feel young, I know I didn't at your age when a long term relationship broke down (I felt like I'd never find anyone else blah blah blah), but I tell you what - you are young, but the time between your age and your 40's goes by in the blink of an eyelid and you will regret wasting time with this loser - you really will. Get out now and stop wasting your youth, energy & passion on this tosser. He's messed with your head so you don't have the confidence you should have... he's been a bastard, stop putting up with it!
Oh & that message - it wasn't for you, I'd bet the house on it.
He's already had enough 'one more chance's' - he's already had enough of your energy - look at your past threads, you don't need to give him 'one more chance' - he's had a bundle of them and shown himself to be a complete twat everytime
I don't know if it's okay to bring up other threads (new, or newish), but I did a search after you said something that made me think you had posted about him before.
He really sounds awful.
And not just b/c you're only posting about the bad things and not the good. His overall attitude toward you. How little respect you're entitled to vs. how much he's entitled to.
If he is cheating, I wouldn't be surprised, b/c, again, he really does not seem to respect you or like you or value you. (Which would not be b/c of anything you did. You're not fun anymore? Well, 1, that's right you're not, b/c you're spending all your time trying to compensate for a grumpy, neglectful, entitled shit of a husband. And 2, he's not much fun anymore himself is he.)
I get not wanting to be divorcing at 26. But better that than divorcing at 36, that much more worn down from another 10 years of this shit.
Have you had the "one more time" chat before? Kind of sounds like you have. If not, and you want to, then sure, but as people have said, set some short timelines for the outcomes you want and stick to them. And if you have had the "one more time" chat before, then I would not have it again. You're so, so young. You could have a lovely life right now.
Sincere apologies if it was not all right to bring up your past threads, I don't mean to be rude. I really wish you the best.
Er, when I said new/newish I meant that I am pretty new to posting here, not that your other threads were new.
madbudlady what is olgagas list of financial stuff? Does anyone have a link?
My DH might text to say he's arrived somewhere.
He got home at 12:20, said he felt sick but didn't seem pissed as a fart or anything. Didnt want to talk much, seemed annoyed at me.
Woke up this morning and he hadn't come to bed,but was coming into the bedroom as I was getting up. Didn't say a word, not even good morning. Guess he'll waste the day in bed.
Feeling very sad again this morning.
Thanks for all the over night advice.
Hiya scented. Just read your thread from last night and then saw you'd posted this morning. Just wanted to say sorry you are feeling sad. I think you should definitely follow other posters advice and challenge him on his behaviour. Keep telling yourself that you and your dd deserve better than this. I spent 5 years with a complete arsehole and now when I look back, I can't believe I stayed that long! Have cuddles with dd today and think about your next move.
Miserable bastard. Can you get a swatch at his phone or do you have access to on-line mobile bill? If so check numbers text immediately before and after he text you.
Oh OP, I wouldn't put up with a housemate like that let alone the person you're meant to love!
I don't think the text was for you (his behaviours confirms it really doesn't it?)
You are beautiful and sound like a lovely person, far too good for him. Don't waste your time with him. I spent a lot of my 20's trying to make a relationship work. I left broke and broken as a result of my efforts but was happier within days of being free. As AF predicts, I do kick myself that I stayed with him so long. You'll be fine on your own.
I was going to ask if you had kids and i see you do. It would be bad enough him regularly staying out overnight like a teenager but why would he want to if he has his family. That's not normal. He would be back for 11 at least. You sound cowed and ground down by him. Do you go out? How would he feel if you did this?
You have all your life infront of you. Don't waste it with someone who doesn't seem to have much respect for you. Good luck.
My guess is his evening didnt turn out as planned, but this: "it breaks my heart when he passes up having a cuddle to play on his stupid, wanking, sodding computer." Is reason enough to get rid imo.
And i agree if his normal behaviour is to vanish for most of the night why would he text see you soon?
If the worst comes to the worst, it's ok getting divorced at 25. Really, it is. I did it. I was a SAHM of 2 and within a couple of months I had a full-time job and it was all good.
My XH was (still is) a nasty, abusive bastard. The second I'd made the decision to end the marriage I felt so much lighter.
It will be ok. Honest!
OP, I'm 25 and I was in a very similar situation last year, but (fortunately) I didn't have children or a marriage.
My then DP made me sad, undermined me. I didn't have many friends and my family was miles away.
I posted on here and I was given the same advice as you have been given here - you're young, you don't deserve this, get out.
I got out. When I think about it, I think the reason it was difficult was because, like you, I didn't want to "fail." I loved him but my over riding feeling was that I didn't want to fail when I had invested so much in a relationship, but in hindsight I sort of think now, well wasting another year/two/three of my life not being happy is a failure.
It's more difficult for you because you're married with a child, but could you use that as another incentive? Do you want your dc growing up thinking that this is a conventional relationship?
You sound to me like you've reached the place where you know what you have to do, you just can't do it yet. I remember being there. It just takes time, now, OP.
Your thread is so sad I can't believe he just ignores you all the time like that. You deserve so much better.
i would be thinking with him bein home early and miserable that he didnt get his wicked way with anyone.
i know it may be very hard for you to think about ending it with him especially if u still love him. but u need to ask yourself what do you love about this guy? I got divorced at 30 we were only married two years but the relationship wasnt right. I am now with a wonderful man.
You need to talk to him but be strong and tell him that you wont put up with his behaviour anymore. he needs a kick up the arse. sounds like it has become a habit the way he treats you and with u letting him treat u this way he has lost respect for you.
The best thing u can do is go out too with your friends! Show him you do have other interests and you dont just sit there waiting for any bit of attention he may throw your way.
you sound like a lovely girl. he sounds like an utter prick who does not deserve you!!
Sounds like he cut short his night out because he knew after that mistakenly sent text you would be on to him, now hes sulking because you ruined his night [in his eyes]
You deserve so much better.
Just what AmberLeaf says. You spoiled his night out and now he's sulking.
You know when you make the first pancake, OP, it often turns out really horrible and you have to throw it away? Husbands can be like that, too!
It's a sign of courage, leaving a man who treats you badly, not a sign of weakness.
I had a text like that and it was for the OW... It felt wrong so that night I hacked the computer and discovered everything.
Quick update- been out all morning/afternoon with DD to clear my head. Got home and DH has informed me that he's going to be making some changes that he hopes I will notice and see as positive, but doesn't want to discuss what they will be. He also wants to run me a bath this evening, order takeout and watch a movie together.
This isn't good is it? To come out with that out of the blue? Sorry, I'm leaning on MN for support too much here aren't I?
No thats not great. Hes really covering something up.
As for too much support, dont be silly. But at some point you are going to need rl support. Do you have friends and family near by?
Could be guilty conscience or he has seen the errors of his ways.
I would be tempted to ask about that text
You say he's on the computer every night, can you see what he is doing on it? I'd be very tempted to have a good nosy round it.
Not sure about your last update or even the text. It could so easily be innocent, but can also see how it could be for possible OW. I think more investigating is needed.
Investigating needs to be done BEFORE you confront about the text!
Depends if it's too late. If someone had treated me like that for so long then I think any respect for them would have gone and I wouldn't be in love anymore. I'd forget investigating or analysing and just go.
sorry the nicey nicey stuff after his attitude never mind the suss text seems well wrong. On a side note DH was the same when DS was 1 and we were 25 addicted gamer and he was texting another woman without thought or time for me. He is a different man now but it only changed when I found out and told him to GTF. He stayed and changed but it took me to be strong to change things value your worth xxx
In all honesty I think the fact he texted the OW last night and not you , then realised and texted you . Then saying he would be around 0400 ,but came home around midnight is abit odd.
He might have dumped / been dumped, by the OW.
There is an outside possibility he told her what he done re the text and she said maybe best if you dont stay tonight.
Of course I could be wrong , but I would be looking at Emails , especially sent items and his phone / phone bill.
All sounds like a guilt trip the take away and movie night.
Even if you are not computer literate a very quick letter enntry into the address bar will 'preveiw' websites begining with that letter . Ie double click on the address bar and press 'R' and mn relationships appears as if by magic
With regards to being on the computer so much, I am fairly certain that part is innocent- I can usually see his screen and it's always some kind of game.
He's also just told me he's decided to sell the pc and is currently listing it on eBay as I type I don't know what would have started this little flurry of change, it's truly odd. Unless he's been lurking on this thread <laughs nervously>
I'm not going to confront about the text yet, I'm going to just keep my eye on how he is with his phone over the next few days- hopefully that will give me clues as to whether it'd be worth checking.
I do appreciate the replies and time from you all. I have family close by, but I'm not sure how to express what's going on to them without them wading in and making things more difficult they mean well, but are a heavy handed bunch.
And you're just going to let him sell it on without even a little snoop?!
He's in IT, I doubt even if I did snoop that I'd find anything! I don't really feel the need to snoop either, if his behaviour doesn't improve pretty sharpish then I'll be gone anyway- OW or not.
Could he have read your thread?
"DH has informed me that he's going to be making some changes that he hopes I will notice and see as positive, but doesn't want to discuss what they will be."
Well, that could mean anything, couldn't it!
It sounds very cryptic. What's he usually like, OP?
It's possible I suppose Frequent, I've never really taken pains to hide my screen name, but he's never shown much of an interest in my MNing either. Although, I'd imagine he'd confront me about the thread angrily rather than attempt to make me think he wanted to change.
I just don't know, it's very strange timing.
In a way it does not matter. You have written what you think.
Maybe NC going forward if you want privacy.
This is the behaviour of a Guilty Man
He realised he fucked up by sending a text to you that was meant for someone else
he came home early to see how the land lay (probably at the behest of the person the text was really meant for)
he was initially silent and withdrawn to see if you had found your balls or was going to let it go
you have let it go, so he thinks he's on the home run but is being Mr Nice Guy just to make sure and so you won't question him further
this guff about "making changes" he won't even discuss is bollocks...it's to make you STFU so that even if you do try to complain he will see "but i am doing X, Y or Z..." (X, Y or Z could be any number of things he can bring out to suit the situation)
the best outcome I see here, is that he has had a wake-up call and decided he needs to stop doing whatever he has been doing
now...some women would move on from that and never want to know anything more, in the manner of "what i don't know can't hurt me"
are you one of those women ? It is certainly a lifestyle choice for some people. Or will it eat away at you ?
I got a text from my DP saying "did u hav ur pizza bbz?'
He did manage to talk his way out of that one
Tried to tell me it's a joke blah blah but the point is, you know instantly when something isn't right.
Trust your instinct.
the opposite outcome of course, is he lays low for a while and re starts whatever it was in a little while
having lost a little bit more respect for you, of course
and on it goes...
have you decided against you "last chance" talk ?
No, I'm still working out exactly what I want to get across by having this talk, it's definitely something I need to do. By no means am I letting this go, I'm just wanting to do things at my own pace and not rush in and potentially make things harder to deal with in the future.
At the end of the day, we have a child together, and I need to make sure that no matter what happens, we can get along well enough for her life to not be disrupted anymore than it has to.
I know I must sound desperately naive to most of you
You sound more frightened about rocking the boat than naive
Everything that AF is saying is true. And you do need to hear it. Its harsh and you probably feel a bit like putting your fingers in your ears and shouting lalala but at some point you will hear what shes saying and it will make sense.
Take your time. Build your courage. No one thinks badly of you for not running straight to him for a huge row. It will take time to get your thoughts together.
But this guy isnt making you happy. Hes up to something. Your life doesnt have to be spent living in doubt or treading on eggshells. You can do this.
love, do you understand what I am saying ? I am saying your "last chance" talk is a waste of time, because you have been outmanoevred. Again.
Now when you have this talk, he will say "I am already doing X, Y and Z like I told you I would"
Your comeback to that ? Well, you don't really have one other than "it's not good enough, and I don't trust your motivation one little bit"
My best advice to you is get off the merry go round.
Or confront him with irrefutable evidence of wrong doing , then kick him into touch.
Is he conjoined to his mobile ?
Is he selling the pc because he's worried he hasn't covered his tracks well enough?
Something has clearly happened.
Selling the PC is quite odd, especially if (as I am assuming) he only games on the PC and not on, say, an Xbox. That's quite something, to go from being a dedicated gamer to not playing at all. Does he also have laptop/iPad etc to communicate on?
But if he's not going to discuss this change of heart with you, you won't know what to think, will you? Even if we put the kindest interpretation on this and conclude that he has realised his number's up and he'd better reform, he's still not making it easy to see him in a good light by being so uncommunicative about it.
Maybe it suits him that you won't know what to think.
Or is he selling the PC to try to cut you off from possible sources of advice or communication ?
Internet access makes it a lot easier to find out about your rights, stay in contact with friends and family, get in touch with solicitors, do basic things like online shopping and banking, research places to move to - all trickier when you have to trek round with a small child to do them.
If he says it's to cut down on gaming , then he can sell the games or stop his online subscriptions.
Is the pc he is getting shut of your only method of getting on t'internet ?
Here's me laying down my possibly totally wrong thing that's popped into my head again; PC games have chats too. One can join a team (I'm sure you know this, OP) and privately chat alongside/during the game play. Maybe he's met someone on a game, been seeing them, got a shock last night at his 'clumsiness' with that text. He didn't turn up at her house last night, as promised, been fleetingly dumped and is panicking - and you only have to look at the 'help me I'm trying to stop seeing someone I shouldn't!' threads to know how loopy that makes people.
Basically, I agree that selling the PC is v suspicious and, frankly, a fight or flight response to a fuck up.
sounds like he is shittin himself he may be discovered hence the selling of his pc.
If he works in IT then he probably IS reading your thread and getting info on what you are thinking hence the change in attitude - sat reading it while you were in bed possibly.
I would listen to AF.
I'm guessing selling the PC is one of the changes 'he hopes you will notice' and 'see as positive'.
What a load of old bull that he is intending to do these things, but won't discuss what they are with you. The blindingly obvious reason for that is so that you can't call him on a single thing when he inevitably doesn't do them. But it sounds like he's making a massive effort, without having to do anything.
Please reassure us that you have other means to access the Internet, than just the PC.
What I mean is - the selling of the PC is highly suspicious, and he's trying to cover his tracks AND make himself look like the good guy by putting the 'positive changes' spin on it...
I normally don't comment in Relationships because a) others say it all so much better and b) I post sporadically so can't be ongoing source of support.
However I read one comment and wanted to reassure you - I know you don't want a failed marriage at 26. I didn't want one in my early 20s either, but when my then H essentially made me choose between fulfilling a lifelong dream (was partway through my studies when we married) or being his wife at home with children ... I chose the studies and he kicked me out. At 4am.
Obviously more backstory, but the marriage was over within 2 years. Stayed single for a long time after that but met now DH and couldn't be happier. A failed marriage at 26 is better than struggling until you're 36. That's 10 years of bringing your dd up in atmosphere and 10 years of her forming her ideals of normal relationships from observing you and her father.
Completely agree with pancake comment!
Oh and from what little lurking I have done over here - AF normally speaks volumes of wisdom in few phrases.
I'm profoundly shocked at the 'im making changes but not discussing them with you' thing tbh - what a patronising fucker. Get him binned! Your daughter does not need that example of how women are treated
He really thinks you came down in the last shower, doesn't he?
I know it sounds awfully harsh, but AF is right - he loses respect for you, the longer this continues.
And needless to say, you're no doubt losing respect for him, too.
The pc doesn't seem to be the OP's only way of going online, because she typed on here that he was arranging the sale at the same moment. I agree, though, that it seems a dodgy thing to do right now.
Scented, I think your DH was dumped by OW last night hence coming home early and then the nicey nicey attitude out of the blue. I really would snoop around, check his bookmark and history on his computer, can you get his phone whilst he is sleeping.
I have not read your other post but get the generally idea that you've already given him many chances. Do you still love him? Btw If he is having sex with someone else and also having sex with you can you be sure that he is being safe with OW!!
OP he's following this thread, that's my bet. He is selling the PC to close you down.
He can read what you're being told. He can see which way you're starting to think and he's trying to out manoeuvre you.
OP it's difficult to tally what other posters are saying with the man that you love/loved. It's very easy to think to yourself "they're right, if it was anyone else but him, of course they'd be right but they don't know him." I thought the same.
Unfortunately, they do know him. One of the most valuable things I've ever read in MN is that men like him work from a script. It's the same script for every man and it rarely changes. If you find that someone is reading from that script, nine times out of ten, they're the main character in the play.
He is in IT
maybe change your password
I don't really see what difference it makes even if he is reading. Facts are still the same. He's still been acting like a twunt. Whether or not he stops acting like one is for Scented to monitor.
Though her hopeful monitoring has been going on for some time now, so it's not clear to me that reading this thread would make any difference to him anyway. If you're not going to change your behaviour when your spouse tells you you're making them unhappy, why should a bunch of strangers on the internet have any impact?
madbuslady because to date, the spouse has backed down from actually doing anything about it. Given the right encouragement she could get up and kick him out, which would disrupt his nice comfortable life.
Also, I suspect that he doesn't give a shit about the op (sorry ) but does give a shit about the opinion of others. Nasty bullies are often like that.
Why are you not doing some snooping OP? He may work in IT, but he'd need to be pretty diligent to cover all tracks, delete all texts etc.
No real update as of yet- discussed how I feel on Saturday night, obviously too early to tell what my next move is.
Thank you all for the advice and support, I appreciate it all.
Yes, I'll still have Internet access, we have a laptop and I usually use my phone anyway
He's never tried to isolate me (I know that's a huge red flag so just wanted to clear that bit up) and encourages my social life.
I don't want to snoop, it's not me. I understand that may seem stupid to some people, but it's just not something I could bring myself to do.
I respect the no snooping thing, personally.
If this is going to unravel, it will do so regardless of whether Nappy has a squizz through his phone or not. Likewise, if he realises the error of his ways and turns into a decent, caring, kind person, the snooping won't have helped any.
I'm not judging anyone who does snoop as I've never been in a position to have to, but if Nappy doesn't want to, ultimately, it's neither here nor there.
Besides, yer man seems perfectly capable of tripping himself up; he doesn't need any help.
I agree with not snooping. i have never done it. not even tempted to
Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't judge anyone that did snoop, but it's not for me.
My ex had key loggers on my pc, checked my phone daily etc, it was souls destroying. I wouldn't be able to bring myself to do that to someone else, even if
he they is were an arse
Whether they are IT geniuses or not, people slip up through human error. That's what's already happened. If he's still up to things he shouldn't be, he will slip up again, so at the very least I would just keep a sharp eye out. Beyond that, you need to think more seriously about your options. A failed marriage at 26 may not be anyone's dream but neither is feeling trapped in an unhappy marriage at 26, is it?
In your discussion on Sat night, did you mention the strange text at all, SNH?
I guess it's increasingly irrelevant now, given the general state of your marriage.
FWIW I agree completely with AF, regarding both the other night and his current behaviour and motivation. I'm so sorry you are so sad, it's a horrible place to be in- unhappy at home, but fearful of the future, understandably. In my experience , though, when things are this bad, the only way is up for you and your daughter, and usually without the man who is causing you the grief.
It's a very, very, VERY hard place to be, but you have your whole life in front of you - like others I would be concerned that your fear of a failed marriage at 26 will end up with a failed marriage years down the line, and regret at the wasted years on top of that.
I'm not advising you to up and leave right now, but I think you need to arm yourself with information as to practicalities, just in case. When you have all the info regarding finances and entitlements the idea of leaving can seem far less scary .
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