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Is anyone else sick of being berated by their children for daring to be happy,sing, dance or pretty much breathe

(51 Posts)
ledkr Fri 15-Feb-13 10:20:01

My dd1 who is 11 seems to continuously put me down for anything I do. If I sing in the car she tells me off and I was even moaned at for looking at underwear in asda.
Just now I was dancing with the baby in the lounge and got a great big "mum stop it" then sang a line if "row the boat" to which she raised her voice and sang a louder line.
It sounds stupid but its really getting to me. I am naturally quite loud and muck about a lot which my ds's always found amusing.
She's crying upstairs now because I told her I'm going to be miserable and boring from now on when she's around which included not taking her swimming later in case I'm caught out having fun hmm

mummytime Fri 15-Feb-13 10:22:32

Just ignore it.

Teenagers find their parents embarrassing for existing. They have to learn to cope. Try not to embarass in public, but do what you like (within reason) in private.

I'm surprised she wouldbe seen with you at the swimming pool.

HilaryClinton Fri 15-Feb-13 10:22:47

"I told her I'm going to be miserable and boring" bit passive aggressive surely. Was that the very best you could do?

ledkr Fri 15-Feb-13 10:24:29

Oh fgs hilary that's. great help thanks

irrationalme Fri 15-Feb-13 10:26:17

is she envious of the baby?

You have just punished her by taking your love away, instead of asking her why she feels cross when you are happy

ddsmellysocks Fri 15-Feb-13 10:26:42

seriously it's just what kids do are you sure she isn't saying it just for something to say? It will pass next she will hate you for no reason at all. Then before you know it she will be in the bestest friends phase... well that one's not guaranteed actually but hopefully it will come along. My kids used to tell me off all the time now they praise me - unless they are trying reverse psychology that is??

Helltotheno Fri 15-Feb-13 10:28:19

Don't take it to heart! I love those moments.. Cue me singing louder esp songs from the 80s and 90s and dancing more! Then I plant a big smackeroo on my DD's cheek just so I can enjoy the exaggerated <rolleye>....

It's not meant to be hurtful. It's a parent's job to be embarassing at times! Just ignore if you don't want to do anything else... just as effective.

purrpurr Fri 15-Feb-13 10:28:30

'Was that the very best you could do?' You'd know about passive aggression obvs, Hilary, get back in your cage. Deary me.

Ledkr, don't be miserable and boring! It must be a right pain but the solution can't be to change your behaviour or let it upset you. What about when she's 14 and decides she hates you (If that happens)? Ducks back, water, roll, etc. Mm duck spring roll.

Mollydoggerson Fri 15-Feb-13 10:28:59

I think kids crave all of their mum's attention and if you are singing and having fun then they are not the centre of attention. Not really sure what the answer is, sounds like a headwreck allright.

Would she die of embarrasment if you said, 'I'm just so happy because I love you all so much'.

ledkr Fri 15-Feb-13 10:32:40

Thanks. I think I just feel sad that its come to this. I brought her up alone until she was five and we've always been close but she seems to despise me at the moment.
I haven't withdrawn my love I've told her I won't be so embarrassing anymore around her and the swimming trip is something we do a lot I just feel she's been so rude over the last few days that she doesn't deserve it.
We get plenty of time without baby we went to the cinema yesterday and I took her on holiday alone last year too.
I don't think it needs over analysing tbh I just wanted to compare notes with others and get some tips.
I'm just struggling with the changes I guess as she starts to grow up.

AngryFeet Fri 15-Feb-13 10:39:29

Sorry but you are being silly and oversensitive. My DC always moan at me singing etc and I just laugh. Kids get embarrassed/annoyed. Her feelings count too. She just needs to learn she isn't the centre of the universe so can't have everything her own way. Just tell her that don't punish her for how she feels.

colditz Fri 15-Feb-13 10:40:58

She's eleven years old, don't take a blind bit of notice of her. She's upstairs crying because you bollocked her for being rude? Good. Well done you. She might think twice before being rude again.

ouryve Fri 15-Feb-13 10:41:38

Mealtimes with our 9 year old are usually much like Festivus. Last night, he was sat, with a piece of Broccoli in each hand, shoving it in his mouth and demanding that we tell him why DS2 never uses his fork. The boy can rant for England.

Wallace Fri 15-Feb-13 10:42:17

I think 11 is a very difficult age for girls. I have one myself...

If it helps I was singing this morning and my 2 year old put his hands over his ears and said "No Mummy. No songs! Stop!"

wordyBird Fri 15-Feb-13 10:47:16

By observation, I'd say they all do that; but the good news is, they grow out of it reasonably fast.

They are in their own world at that age, very self reflective and self absorbed, and any adult they are vaguely associated with can get similar treatment! It's a bit disheartening.

My view is that they need to learn to think of others' feelings as well as their own ego, and make an effort to keep their contempt in check. Easier said than done: but warning that you will be boring etc is a good start. Adults' side of the bargain is to be low key with the offspring when in public. I do think it's a horrible phase though. Take heart, you will have a lovely dd back in time.

lazarusb Fri 15-Feb-13 10:47:38

DD is 12 and exactly the same. It's the end of the world if her dad and I kiss. But I have a 23 year old ds too who was exactly the same (for about 5 years)! He got through it, so did we. He even told me how lucky he was to have me as his Mum when he was 19 and we've had a great relationship ever since. Whatever you do when they're 11/12/13 you'll be embarrassing grin

amillionyears Fri 15-Feb-13 10:49:13

She will probably be embarassed by you for a few years to come.
Welcome to preteens.

I think, fwiw, that you may have to tone it down a bit, especially when you are with her in public.
But dont lose your own personality.
And in the home, you shouldnt have to tone it down much at all.

Timetoask Fri 15-Feb-13 10:50:54

I am hmmm a little old and I can STILL remember how much it annoyed me when my mum sang. It was like hearing someone scratch glass, no idea why. I suggest you try to keep the peace and avoid doing it when she is around.

DowntonTrout Fri 15-Feb-13 10:55:01

Yes DD 11yo finds everything I do and say embarrassing.

She thinks I can't sing. I have sung in stage productions.

She hates me dancing. I trained and danced professionally.

She thinks I know nothing. I was top 1% in the country at 11+.

She has no concept that I was young and cool once, ( if i say cool she says "don't ever say that again!") was a model, travelled the world, appeared in magazines, on tv, in pop videos, etc. she sees a 44 year old woman who looks like very other mum at the school gates.

And that is what I am. Sometimes I feel a twinge of sadness but mostly I just sing louder grin

Floggingmolly Fri 15-Feb-13 10:58:12

You're supposed to be embarrassing to your children, it's like a developmental stage. It'll pass. In about 10 years or so. grin

ledkr Fri 15-Feb-13 11:00:32

Thanks everyone. I do know I'm being over sensitive btw which is why I posted on here for perspective.
Don't get me wrong I don't boogie down the high street or sing on the bus I may well buy some pants though <shock horror>
I have three adult sons and they were not like this.
Fwiw I was once a singer so can sing and so can she but could be some rivalry there on her part maybe.
She has written me a letter to say sorry sad

Cakethrow Fri 15-Feb-13 11:00:32

My 3 year old already gives me the eye roll or the 'stop it mummy' when I sing/dance etc and she's not in the mood!

I can remember how awful my mum'sand singing along to queen with the headphones on, while ironing was - truly terrible! (Sorry mum if you're reading this as I will have well and truly outed myself!)

My brother and me also couldn't stand the noises dad made when he ate and made a massive deal about it.

It's just par for the course of being a parent so you should start to enjoy it instead! grin

Geeklover Fri 15-Feb-13 11:02:44

I remember being mortified if my mum sang and my dad mucked about. My dad was forever telling me it was written on the small print on my birth certificate that my parents had to be embarrassing. I hated it. Everyone else thought my parents were cool.
Now I'm that parent.
I do think you might be taking it a little bit to heart. You are in for a lot more years of her being embarrassed by you. Children don't like to see us as human beings and certainly we aren't ever seen as a little bit cool.
We are supposed to be grown up and boring and I think they'd be happy if we lived in a box unless they need something from us.

ledkr Fri 15-Feb-13 11:04:10

downton I danced too (musical theatre) I don't even talk about it tbh. She asked me once about a time step and I showed her. She slunk off muttering under her breath
Ds had a place at the royal and I remember hearing some parents bitch about how "his mother helped him" if only they knew eh?

SundaysGirl Fri 15-Feb-13 11:06:40

Argh my six year old already tells me to stop singing. It actually seems to pain the poor child. And there was me thinking I sounded like a beautiful songbird! grin

ledkr Fri 15-Feb-13 11:07:35

I am I know being silly but it seems like you have to compromise yourself to please an easily embarrassed child.
This is on top of being scolded if I'm innocently watching tv and anyone kisses and woe betide dh if an attractive woman comes on.
She's very bossy actually even to her friends, she does need to wind her neck in a bit. She laughed at my friends hair the other day really rudely come to think of it.

AngelWreakinHavoc Fri 15-Feb-13 11:17:13

My DD who is 11 actively encourages me to goof around. Last night for instance dd, ds who is 6 and myself spent half an hour double dutch skipping in the kitchen with music on. All be it we had no ropes and had to take turns using invisible ropes but my kids love it when I join in with them and their friends dancing ,singing ect.

Kids love it but dp is always a bit hmm

ledkr Fri 15-Feb-13 11:19:23

Angel that's how we've always been untill lately sad
Dh joins in he does a wicked Beyonce dance lol

DowntonTrout Fri 15-Feb-13 11:19:24

ledkr I don't talk about it either. It's as if it was another person in another lifetime. I feel quite shy about it actually.

Being on stage in front of thousands of people never bothered me. Nowadays I would shake like a leaf. I was not trained as a singer but had to sing for a part I did and while I mastered the song I can't claim to have a great voice, but it was good enough.

DD is training classically and is in a performance based school. Therefore she knows more than me hmm she certainly sings better than me,nshe has never seen my videos or any of my press cuttings so is oblivious. I am going to keep it that way as that person doesn't exist anymore.

I very occasionally meet someone who goes "OMG you're so and so!" I had a different stage name, and my DD is confused .

ike1 Fri 15-Feb-13 11:28:13

My kids alternate between despising me, patronising me and over loving me. You cant win!!!

Floggingmolly Fri 15-Feb-13 11:42:16

God, Downtown, you sound far from embarrassing! Why don't you want to share all that with your dd? I would.

purrpurr Fri 15-Feb-13 11:48:46

If you got an apology letter then is it naive of me to think your response to her has hit home in some way? Or is the apology letter a way of getting the swimming trip back?

MadBusLady Fri 15-Feb-13 12:03:46

I'm going to be miserable and boring from now on when she's around

Look, sorry if you feel you have to jump down my throat as well, but this is exactly the kind of sarky snark my mum used to come out with, and it was fucking horrible, and not in a constructive way. So please, however you tackle it, don't do this. It's not fun to be the teenager and have to act the grown-up and be the one to stop that kind of exchange escalating.

MadBusLady Fri 15-Feb-13 12:15:27

You know, on reflection, I think MY post sounds jumpy-down-the-throat and passive aggressive too. So take it as a warning! Don't raise your daughter to be like that. I think when you're a teenager pushing boundaries like that what you need is for your parents to be rocks, as far as they can.

fizzpopbang Fri 15-Feb-13 12:17:47

I think next time she tries to stop you, ask her if she thinks its ok to stop doing something she enjoys if other people tease her? I think her behavior is normal but its also a good opener to how its important to be ourselves regardless, and be proud of who we are... role play funny responses to being teased. ? Good luck whatever you do

carmenelectra Fri 15-Feb-13 13:12:11

My eldest(13) is totally embarrassed by me, even though I'm not embarrassing aT all. He ignores me in public if he is with his friends, he can't even bear to say hello.

I sing all the time at home only for him to say everytime 'stop singing, you're terrible'.

I will not stop singing in my own house and I tell him this. Unbelievably rude.

Thankfully younger dc's love my singing!

CailinDana Fri 15-Feb-13 13:18:13

The best response I think is to escalate the "embarrassing" behaviour, good naturedly, so that she learns that complaining only makes things worse. So sing a bit louder, dance a bit crazier, shout about the gussets in Asda smile Oh god my DS is going to loath me when he's a teenager.

FWIW my mother was genuinely embarrassing - she was the worst cunstomer in the world and I actually had to give her a talking to one day because she was so rude and obnoxious in shops. She took it on board, much to my surprise.

oldwomaninashoe Fri 15-Feb-13 13:20:12

DH used to wind up one of my teenage sons by kissing me in front of him and patting me on the bum.
At 11 he was convinced that we had only had sex four times in our marriage ......(once for each pregnancy) wink

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Fri 15-Feb-13 13:26:12

Ledkr... I can remember behaving horridly like this when I was 11 and onwards. I cringed when I read your post because I was exactly like this... censurious and downright 'bullying' in a way as a parent will not give as good as they get as a peer would.

You can do what you want in your own home. Remind your daughter that it is YOUR home as much as it is HERS and that she doesn't have to join in with the signing and dancing if she doesn't want to. More than that, she can go to her own room and have her privacy.

I wouldn't let her try to curtail my enjoyment of life - she hasn't the right to behave like this, teen hormones or no teen hormones.

Pilgit Fri 15-Feb-13 13:34:13

My mum always said she found it enjoyable to be embarrassing. I liked to spoil her fun so refused to let it show! In return she refused to et upset about clothes and make up - the stock phrase when presented with mini skirts or something hideous was 'well you're the one who's going to wear it'. could never get a rise out of her (although we never wore skirts shorter than some of hers - true 1960's numbers). Just ignore - she will appreciate not having a boring mother later in life

Pilgit Fri 15-Feb-13 13:35:39

Callin - are you my mum...? can't be as she is IT illiterate - but the same school of thought

DPotter Fri 15-Feb-13 13:45:19

My DD is the same - she's 13 and has been telling both DP & I to stop singing/ dancing / etc since she was about 10. We just say parents are meant to embarrass their children as training for the big wide world out there.

In fairness I have agree with DD about DP - he's an enthusiastic singer but completely tone deaf and never can remember lyrics so makes them up........

DPotter Fri 15-Feb-13 13:48:43

Ooh just remembered - the thing that used to really embarrass me when in my teens - my Mum would talk to anyone- she would strike up conversations in shops, at the bus stop, everywhere. Really made me cringe. And now I find myself chatting away to strangers in shops etc. DD doesn't seem to mind that do much as the singing and dancing - yet.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 15-Feb-13 13:50:41

Definitely ignore it. When DS tells me I'm being embarrassing I cheerfully reply 'I'm your mum... it's in my job description!' Pull rank.

CailinDana Fri 15-Feb-13 13:52:11

DPotter - my MIL is like that and it embarrasses me to this day! To be fair she goes one better - she blatantly earwigs on conversations then butts in, much to the surprise of the people who think they're just chatting amongst themselves! Totally cringeworthy and really rude.

Pilgit, unless you're posting from the womb I'm not your mum! But if you are posting from my womb, could you get the hell out please? Time's up, quick and neat departure please and thank you.

akaemmafrost Fri 15-Feb-13 14:25:08

I sing louder and do it more (whatever is annoying them) they usually laugh.

thegreylady Fri 15-Feb-13 16:19:54

My dm sang every single lyric she knew to the tune of Danny Boy [off key] now that was embarrassing when I had friends round smile

You could use it to your advantage, you know she's mortified at you singing and dancing, and you can use it to keep her in line. Threaten to do it in front of her friends, or the living room window or the middle of Asda when she's with you grin My boys used to do the eye roll, fingers in the ears, telling me to stop. I used to laugh and look at them and do it louder. They did eventually mellow out and laugh.

mrscoleridge Fri 15-Feb-13 19:03:26

I got told off this morning cos I drive too slowly and am not cool, we got overtaken by a mobile library so maybe kids had a point. I said the driver must have been a fast reader, they did not laugh

ledkr Fri 15-Feb-13 19:33:52

She's got a friend staying who is actually my friends dd so knows me well.
She's the same age but a bit more marure in her ways.
I was cooking tea and they had missy Elliot playing so every time dd wasn't looking I danced and wiggled my bum.
The friend and I were in hysterics but dd didn't know why.
mrscole grin at being overtaken by a mobile library.

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Fri 15-Feb-13 19:54:10

Lol! I just do it more and tell them to stop being so boring! grin

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