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friends, huh?! Long post, sorry

(47 Posts)
DoctorWhoFan Thu 14-Feb-13 13:46:59

My friend snd I have been friends for nearly 7 years. She recently got completely the wrong end of the stick over something I said. As I tend to be a pretty conciliatory soul and don't like conflict (that story belongs in the Stately Homes thread) I very politely explained to her that she'd misunderstood me.

Since then, I've heard nothing from her. She read the message, but hasn't bothered to reply.

She and I have history. She was renting my spare room in London, at such a low amount that it didn't even cover her share of the bills, but she was on a low wage, and I reasoned we were friends, and she'd do the same for me. To cut a bit out, which isn't too relevant, we moved to the East Mids together to get a fresh start as we both disliked London and felt our lives were stagnating. She moved up before me as I was waiting on my house sale. However, she was going to have no money when she moved up as she would have a month to wait for her salary.

After finding her in tears, I gave her £600 from my redundancy money so she would be ok for the first month.

A few months later just before i moved up, i asked her to look after £500 for me so i had a bit of

DoctorWhoFan Thu 14-Feb-13 13:53:32

Crap...I pressed the wrong button!

Anyway, when I moved up, I found out that she had not only spent the £500 which wasn't hers, but that she couldn't afford to pay it back. She'd spent it on going to gigs!

She then watched me sell most of my personal possessions over the next few months so that I could pay the rent til I found a job.

Then, when I met my current DP after only a few months of living here, she was an utter cow to both of us because she was jealous because she had nobody. She told me this much later on.

Yesterday I got a message from her boyfriend trying to invite themselves over for Sunday he kidding me? Am I right to be angry about this?

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Thu 14-Feb-13 13:56:26

Cut contact. Don't get angry, just get rid.

TheSecretCervixDNCOP Thu 14-Feb-13 13:58:23

I am shock that she spent money she was supposed to be looked after on gigs! Fair enough had it been say a bit of food if she was stuck, I'd be miffed but not angry about that. Gigs on the other hand, what was she thinking?

TheSecretCervixDNCOP Thu 14-Feb-13 13:59:09

Oh yeah and drop her like a stone. Did she ever pay it back?

peeriebear Thu 14-Feb-13 13:59:25

She sounds an utter wanker.

kalidanger Thu 14-Feb-13 14:07:46

She's made an enormous effort to be a really shit friend hmm seems like it over and you should be happy the decision is so easy to make. Poor you.

oldwomaninashoe Thu 14-Feb-13 14:13:57

Can't you be "out" on Sunday? Find an excuse and keep finding them.

Or how about "yes it will be great to see you, especially if you are bringing the £500 you owe", or " can you bring the 500 quid you owe so I can actualy afford to serve up something better than beans on toast"

Whocansay Thu 14-Feb-13 14:39:13

You don't like conflict?!!! She's used you and stolen your money! And she is absolutely NOT your friend. The only reason she dislikes your boyfriend is that she's afraid you'll see her for what she is.

Tell them you if they don't bring over your money not to come over. Ever.

DoctorWhoFan Thu 14-Feb-13 14:40:02

No, she never paid it back. I set it off against the rent and bills, even though I still had to sell most of my own possessions to cover all the money. After all the financial slack I had cut her, she kept a spreadsheet of every single penny that I "owed" her each month for rent and bills.

Her boyfriend hasn't suggested a date, which is good. I'm very tempted to just say they're not welcome in my house and to ask her if he wants to know why. However, I suspect she has had him make contact to test the waters. Pathetic really. And yes, I agree...get rid is the best option. Although unfortunately one of his friends puts some work my DPs way...

VitoCorleone Thu 14-Feb-13 14:42:11

Id be asking for that money back, it wasnt hers to fucking spend. Cheeky fucker

DoctorWhoFan Thu 14-Feb-13 14:46:44

whocansay I kept the peace while it suited me. I didn't have the money, or deposit gor another place (and possibly the world's worst credit rating) so moving out sooner wasn't an option. Therefore avoiding a show down worked to my benefit too.

The giving her the £600 and then her spending the extra £500 of MY money that she was supposed to be looking after were the final straw as far as our friendship went. I guess I just needed to know that being pissed at her fella for him trying to invite themselves over wasn't an over reaction.

Would you guys reply, or just ignore the message as she did to me?

DoctorWhoFan Thu 14-Feb-13 14:48:48

Vito I ended up setting it off against rent and bills cos she "couldn't" wait for the dole and housing to get sorted while I looked for a job. Actually...what a bitch!

kalidanger Thu 14-Feb-13 14:57:47

DoctorWhoFan It seems clear that the relationship is unsalvageable and if sending something like "yes it will be great to see you, especially if you are bringing the £500 you owe" will make you feel the slightest bit better than go for it.

Ponders Thu 14-Feb-13 15:03:11

"yes it will be great to see you, but only if you are bringing the £500 you owe"


DoctorWhoFan Thu 14-Feb-13 15:06:46

I agree it's unsalvageable, and to be honest, I've been wanting to cut ties for some time. I just hoped it might be more amicable as over the years we have both been a great support to each other, and also had a lot of fun. It's a pity really, but we started really growing apart when I met my DP and she was a cowbag to us both. Also he's country folk, and she and her DP are very city, so not much in common any more. We have a mutual friend who is aware the friendship has broken down, but I don't want to colour her view of my ex friend as their relationship is more distant and I don't want ex friend to be able to accuse me of bad mouthing her.

JollyGolightly Thu 14-Feb-13 15:07:57

I don't understand why you asked her to look after the money, instead of putting it in the bank.

Anyway, she's a shit friend and this has gone on long enough.

DoctorWhoFan Thu 14-Feb-13 15:14:06

Ah, because I was teetering on the verge of bankruptcy and needed to have a little set aside for if things got desperate. She also knew this was the case...and STILL spent it on going out and having a good time.

Awkward thing is, her and her DP have looked after my dog for the last 9 months while I've been trying to find somewhere to live that would accept dogs AND my awful credit rating. She didn't have any dog-related expenses as I paid them all, but feel somehow a bit guilty because of them looking after him for so lonh.

DoctorWhoFan Thu 14-Feb-13 15:14:21

Long.., even!

BalloonSlayer Thu 14-Feb-13 15:27:40

The DP might be trying to be a peacemaker, he might have genuinely asked to come over off his own bat thinking that the two of you would make up.

DoctorWhoFan Thu 14-Feb-13 15:53:47

But I think it's rude to invite yourself over to someone's house for Sunday lunch. Surely they should have invited us? None of my other friends would have the cheek to invite themselves for Sunday roast, they'd wait to be invited...

lalalonglegs Thu 14-Feb-13 16:16:02

From the sound of it, she isn't aware she owes you money, she has kept a log of everything she thinks you owe her confused.

DoctorWhoFan Thu 14-Feb-13 16:25:01

And don't worry, I don't financially owe her anything. I feel I owe her for taking care of my stinky old dog, bless him, but other than that, I don't owe her jack.

DoctorWhoFan Thu 14-Feb-13 16:28:52

I think I'm just going to ignore her partner's message as she did with mine, and I suspect that may well be that. To be honest at the moment I don't have the energy for much else as my antipsych meds have me so drugged that I can hardly put one foot in front if the other. I really don't need any more shit to deal with right now sad

Whocansay Thu 14-Feb-13 17:33:24

I wouldn't feel the slightest bit guilty. She's a nasty piece of work and must need a hell of a chiropractor, with that brass neck.

Ask for your money back or ignore altogether.

I would text back and say you are not around at the weekend. And if they do turn up on Sunday don't cook or make any lunch for them.

If they say anything just keep repeating that you can not afford to feed them.

RachaelH1983 Thu 14-Feb-13 22:20:16

U sound like u have been thro a lot ok she looked after ur dog but I think that's the least she could do. I don't understand how she could sit back + watch u sell ur belongings becuz she had spent the money she was ment to b looking after for u. Knowing the situation u was in as well its terrible. She sounds like a very selfish person + I'm guessing the avoiding texts/calls is becuz she knows what a shit friend she has been. U sound lovely + she was lucky to have such an understanding friend. She took advantage of ur kindness. U owe it to urself to ignore her + her partner. I hope u + ur dp enjoy country life + live happily ever after. Life is too short for SO called FRIENDS like that x

DoctorWhoFan Fri 15-Feb-13 07:37:49

Thank you all ladies. I did feel angry and used, and I thank you all for clarifying that I wasn't overreacting

I have decided to ignore the message from her partner as I don't want to jeopardise my DP getting work from his friends. Plus I really don't want to get into any kind of slanging match. Too tiring and a waste of time. Plus, I'm better than that.

Thank you all.

DoctorWhoFan Tue 05-Mar-13 13:33:09

Oh for goodness sakes...he's messaged me again. My DP suggests I call them and tell them outright to fuck off (basically, but maybe word it a bit better LOL!). I don't see why I should make the effort tbh, why should it be MY phone bill? I just don't want to keep receiving messages from her OH trying to invite themselves over when she hasn't had the decency to reply to me. Oh FFS this is really getting on my tits...any suggestions?

Whocansay Tue 05-Mar-13 13:36:25

Text back "fuck off you sponging bastards". That should do it.

DoctorWhoFan Tue 05-Mar-13 13:40:02

LOL! It IS very tempting...but my DP has been getting a fair bit of work from her OH's friend...and we really need the money so I don't want to jeopardise that. FFS, I just want these people out of my life. I have nothing in common with them, and I don't want them in my house. They're not welcome.

Whocansay Tue 05-Mar-13 13:45:05

In that case, be honest. Message back that you no longer wish to have contact as your (ex) friend will not return the money she stole. If you say it matter-of-factly they have no come back.

BeckAndCall Tue 05-Mar-13 13:53:45

So the issue is, you think they're being rude in asking themselves over for lunch? THAT'S your issue with them? Think you might be missing the big picture here! You are OK with the whole money thing but the etiquette of inviting themselves for lunch is a problem?

I wonder if they see you as pushover as you've never stood your ground - and now you're deciding to take a stand. Which you should, btw. This might be your catalyst for changing your relationship here.

DoctorWhoFan Tue 05-Mar-13 14:04:57

Oh no Beck, I've stood my ground plenty in this relationship. I think that is partly the reason she is getting her OH to make the contact as she is too scared to talk to me herself cos she knows she's going to get an earful!

I'm not OK with the money thing, but it's 3 years in the past and there's nothing I can do about that now. I won't get it back because she can't afford to pay it back, and in any case, it was used to pay rent at the time. My issue with the money is that she spent it without discussing it with me until I moved up here and then she hit me with it.

My issue now is that she is avoiding talking to me and getting her OH to make the contact thinking that makes it ok. WRONG!

RosyRoo Tue 05-Mar-13 14:12:43

I thought she used the money to go to gigs? Her side of this story might be rather different to yours.

DoctorWhoFan Tue 05-Mar-13 14:14:18

She did use the money to go to gigs. When you say her side of the story might be rather different to mine, what do you mean? I may be being a bit thick here, cos a bit medicated today as having a rough time with the bipolarity at the minute...

DIYapprentice Tue 05-Mar-13 14:21:34

You should reply 'Why don't we make it lunch at yours?' and see what you get back.

WeAreEternal Tue 05-Mar-13 14:26:35

Just ignore the messages, they will get the message eventually.

SnowSeaandMotorboats Tue 05-Mar-13 15:26:49

Do you have your dog back? If you don't I'd do nothing to upset her until he's back safe with you. Else she may decide to hang onto him...

DoctorWhoFan Tue 05-Mar-13 15:46:29

Yup, dog safely back home and happy. She wouldn't have tried to hang onto him. She knows I'd have ripped her limbs off with my teeth if necessary to get him back home! He's 12 this year, and I've had him since he was 10 weeks old. He was only staying with her because I was struggling to find somewhere to live that would accept a dog, and my terrible credit rating. I eventually got lucky.

So far I haven't replied to her OH's message, and I think I'll leave it that way. But if he contacts me again, then I'll have to lay it on the line.

Snazzynewyear Wed 06-Mar-13 01:33:34

I would reply 'I'm afraid that doesn't work for us, sorry'. Make it clear that lunch is not a goer but don't get into anything else via text. It's just not the best way.

just text back 'No thanks' and leave it at that.

onthelastlegtohome Thu 07-Mar-13 07:41:21

I think looking after your dog for 9 months was a big act of friendship even if you paid the bills - the least you could do. She still had to take it for walks, clean up after it etc, you don't seem to be grateful at all " She knows I'd have ripped her limbs off with my teeth if necessary..." NICE (not) what sort of person are you?
i am totally confused by your accounts of the money who owes who what, but anyway, can you move on from that? "the money thing, but it's 3 years in the past"

"Since then, I've heard nothing from her. She read the message, but hasn't bothered to reply." Your apparent hurt conflicts with "I've stood my ground plenty in this relationship. I think that is partly the reason she is getting her OH to make the contact as she is too scared to talk to me herself cos she knows she's going to get an earful!"
I can't think why she wants to be friends with you, I wouldn't!

You're separate now, so neither can hurt each other with money/dogs whatever, meet somewhere neutral, keep it cool but civil and friendly, and bury the past.

Whocansay Thu 07-Mar-13 08:27:51

I did wonder if they think that because your DP is getting work from her OH's friend, maybe they can tap you for some cash? Maybe this is why they're being pushy?

Just a thought. Either way, I'd be inclined to text back with a dismissal or ignore completely.

Walkacrossthesand Thu 07-Mar-13 08:48:45

I can understand you not wanting to be frankly rude, if her OH is putting much-wanted work your DPs way and you don't want to jeopardise that - do you know how much influence your (ex) friend has over her OHs business world? How did you get your dog back - did you have to see ex-F then, or did OH do the handover? From what I can make out, the £500 you parked with her was inappropriately spent but you got it back indirectly via her paying a greater rent share for a bit, right? So now the issue is her attitude to money, fairness & friendship. Do you feel better for NC?

BerylStreep Thu 07-Mar-13 12:38:53

I think you need to work on your boundaries a bit. I don't lend money to friends or family, or get them to 'look after it'.

This is the root of this entire situation - poor boundaries.

DoctorWhoFan Thu 07-Mar-13 12:45:34

We were still friends when I got the dog back. The issue has occurred since then.

NC is hardly any different than normal. We would probably not have retained contact had she not been looking after my dog. It has always been me to make the contact. She never called me once the whole time she was looking after him. The contact has always been from my end. I just don't understand why she couldn't have the decency to reply to the message I sent her then at least we could put the issue to bed, but I just don't see why I should keep chasing her. It's exhausting.

Thank you for your "comments" onthelastleg, MOST appreciated. I'm not asking you to be friends with me, and I have been a good friend to her over the years that we have known each other, so stop being so judgemental. She didn't have to look after the dog. She OFFERED. I had other friends who were glad to take him but she wanted to because we had been sharing a house and she loved him dearly.

Hahahaha Whocansay - tap me for cash LMAO! That gave me a giggle! I'm on DLA and ESA and unable to work due to my mental health issues so have much less cash than they do, but it wouldn't surprise me if she tried LOL!

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