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My Husband is taking All my Salary and Only Gives me enough Allowance for Food!

(262 Posts)
ImverySad Thu 14-Feb-13 07:25:41

Hi Everyone,

Im just hoping if anyone could help me with a piece of advise.

I am married for 3 yrs plus now, and I've been working for nearly 1/2 year now, My husband is taking all my salary since then, and he only gives me little money for my food. He scolds me everytime I overspend a bit even for a food. And if I ask him to buy me something, sometimes he will buy but most of the time not, and he just tell me this is not good for me.etc..

In normal days when I buy food for the two of us, he will always ask me how much the food costs, and where is the change, and would ask me to calculate the spending and the money left, and I have to return the change to him.

Sometimes he treatens not to give me more money because i always overspend. I would cry feeling helpess and sad coz i feel that im losing my selfworth and confidence. he always tells me he loves me and how much i mean to him, but whenever he is angry, he will use all unneccessary words, such as,(you're bloody or f***G stubborn) and sometimes he would kick me.

I ask him why does he need to say hurtful words and kick me, he will say I deserve it for being stubborn and for not listening to him, and that I need to be discipline, I really dun understand as Im always obedient to him, i even stand up when he ask me to just for him to punish me by kicking me.

He is ok and romantic, sweet when he is not angry, but if he is angry, he always tell me there a limit to his patience, I feel so hurt, as i feel that he does not respect me. he controls evrything in the house. Sometimes Im thinking of leaving him, but i am sacred to do so. as all my salary goes to him. I do not have any savings.

I have my parents to look after too and want to help them by sending them some money, but most of the time I cannot help my parents as I dun have money, I have to ask my husbands permission first whether I can send some money to my parents, sometimes he will send money.

Is it right if my husbands continues to keep my salary? Is it a good Idea for me to move out frist and sort out my feelings? I love my husband and care a lot about him, but I feel that I cannot live with him anymore. I am very sad and confused for years now. I got no one to talk to as I do not have any family or relatives in this country except my husband.

Sometimes I prayed for myself to change and be patience towards him, but i am very tired and emotionally broken that I cant bring myself to talk to him.

What should I do...? what is the right thing for me to do without hurting anyone.?

Bilbobagginstummy Thu 14-Feb-13 07:29:19

Can you just go back to your parents?

HollyBerryBush Thu 14-Feb-13 07:31:44

Are you in a clash of cultures? Is this an arranged marriage?

AThingInYourLife Thu 14-Feb-13 07:32:36

Go into a bank.

Open a new bank account in your sole name.

Ask work for the form to mandate having your salary paid into your bank account.

Fill in details of your new account.

Spend your money on getting away from this cunt.

Sirzy Thu 14-Feb-13 07:32:46

You need to get out. No wonder you feel emotionally broken, thats because you are being emotionally abused.

You should either have a joint account which you both have equal access to, or your own accounts which your own wages get paid into.No way should he be taking everything.

TanteRose Thu 14-Feb-13 07:34:47

this is called financial abuse

you need to have your salary paid into your own bank account and find a way to leave this man

CelticPromise Thu 14-Feb-13 07:35:07

He is abusive, and the right thing to do is to leave. You have your own work and money. You will be fine. Do you have anyone to support you in real life?

Pozzled Thu 14-Feb-13 07:39:01

The right thing to do is to leave. You are being abused- physically, emotionally and financially.

It probably seems impossible now, but keep posting on here and start to make plans, the more you think about it the more it will feel that you can do it. Contact women's aid, make sure you have all your documents together and accessible, try to talk to a friend in real life if you can, or your parents for some emotional support.

You can't change your husband, but you can change your own actions- you need to realise that you don't deserve this and don't have to live with it.

whattodoo Thu 14-Feb-13 07:39:10

None of the behavior you describe is right.

It is abuse and you should definitely contact Women's Aid to seek advice in leaving him.

You deserve much better

SchmancyPants Thu 14-Feb-13 07:39:14

You are being emotionally, physically and financially abused and should make steps to get out NOW before things get worse. Do you have supportive friends/family nearby at all?

HotDAMNlifeisgood Thu 14-Feb-13 07:40:09

Open a bank account in your sole name. Have your work pay your salary into that account.

You must also, eventually, leave this man: he is abusive, and he will not change. He will slowly chip away at you until you are a depressed and entrapped wreck.

Please read the links at the start of this thread and talk to the women there: they are also going through what you are.

ginslinger Thu 14-Feb-13 07:40:19

I think you should leave as soon as you can. You can contact these people http://www.womensaid.org.uk/landing_page.asp?section=000100010018

good luck

ginslinger Thu 14-Feb-13 07:40:37
AgathaF Thu 14-Feb-13 07:41:47

What AThing said about the bank account and getting your salary paid in to it.

Also Women's Aid can help you to leave safely and support you to find housing etc.

Do you really love him, or do you think you do because it is your duty to?

You do know that he is abusing you, don't you? Financially, emotionally, physically.

Pozzled Thu 14-Feb-13 07:43:08

Just to say- don't do anything that will make your husband suspicious. Open a new bank account, but don't let him know- and don't get your salary paid into your own account until it's safe to do so. From what you have posted I would be very worried about your husband's reaction if/when he finds out.

WeAreEternal Thu 14-Feb-13 07:52:06

What previous posters have said is exactly what I would advise.

Open your own account, today if possible, it is very quick and simple to do.
Tell work that you have a new bank account and to pay your salary into the new account.
Call womens aid, they can offer practical advice and support.

Most abused women hold off leaving because they think that they can't go without money to start a fresh, you don't need anything. Women's aid will help you.

Good luck

AgathaF Thu 14-Feb-13 07:57:33

Women's Aid will be able to advise you on how to do this stuff.

Remember to clear search history etc on your computer/phone.

eminemmerdale Thu 14-Feb-13 07:58:55

But if she opens her own account and has her money paid in, surely it will make him more abusive?? She sounds horribly sad and scared sad

BusyHomemaker Thu 14-Feb-13 08:04:20

This is emotional and financial abuse which are classed as domestic violence. Please please please take some steps to protect yourself. Open a separate bank account and arrange for your salary to be paid into it. Pack a bag with your essentials... passport, birth cert, marriage cert, spare keys and some cash and store it at a friend's or with someone you can trust. Call the national domestic violence helpline for advice... they are fantastic. Their number is 0808 2000 247 They will help you to discuss how the violence is making you feel and can offer practical advice. Pay your doctor a visit and ask them to record the effect this abuse is having on you. I have just left my emotionally abusive husband. It's not easy but you deserve a good life and autonomy over your own financial affairs. Good luck and stay safe x

ImverySad Thu 14-Feb-13 08:08:40

Guys.. thank you very much for your helpful advise..I really appreciate it..May God Bless all of you and your family. (Pls pardon my english as it is not so good, not my first language).

Unfortunately, I cannot go back to my parents, as they are too old and not working anymore, we are poor family, and I dun want them to worry about me.

This is not an arrange marriage, I got married young and did not know my husband would be like this, I came from a broken family, actually its very complicated, my parents are not my biological parents, but they raised me painstakingly since young. as for my real parents, I do not know where they are, its been 26 years now but they never find me or look me up.

In short, I am on my own to find ways to figure this out, I got no relatives to turn to, my guardian parents are too old to help out, and they are also depending on me my financially.

ledkr Thu 14-Feb-13 08:14:50

Have you contacted women's aid op?
No it is not normal to take your money not is it normal to kick your partner or anyone was for that matter.
Are you involved with a church? Could you get help from them.
If you want to leave women's aid will help you to sort out money and somewhere to live. Please at least phone them, they can get a translator if necessary for you.

Walkacrossthesand Thu 14-Feb-13 08:18:14

OP, he has no right to behave like this. No right at all. We are in the 21st century, and he has no more right to dictate how you spend your earnings, than you do his. This is not you being stubborn - it's basic equal rights, which we have had for a century. Please follow the advice above and start planning how you will leave. How is marital separation viewed in your culture, will your parents be supportive, do you have friends who will help you? Keep posting!

ImverySad Thu 14-Feb-13 08:18:45

Thanks for your advise, I feel slightly better after reading all the comments, atleast I know someone out there knows my situation.

I really hope I can gather my courage ang stregth to settle this.

TheMightyLois Thu 14-Feb-13 08:20:54

ImverySad - are you in the UK?

As someone else said, please remember to cover your tracks by deleting your Internet history here is how If you are using a computer you can usually choose to open an 'incognito' window which will leave no record for your husband to find. The easiest way to open this is to click on a link with your left mouse button and select 'open in incognito window' or similar.

It sounds like your husband has encouraged you not to make friends and community links, but you will be surprised at the help that will be offered if you ask. Try asking a work colleague perhaps.

You will build a wonderful life for yourself.

ImverySad Thu 14-Feb-13 08:28:07

Thanks againd guys.. Another problem is, I do not have any relatives or very close friend in this country, as I just move here 3 years ago after i got married, all my close friends are far away, they are in my hometown in another country.

But rest assured that all your advises will not go waste, as I would seriously think about what to do next.

Regards,

[Message has been edited by MNHQ to protect the OP's anonymity]

LIZS Thu 14-Feb-13 08:29:53

Sorry he sounds very controlling and will not change . Hope you can find a way forward. Do you have children or just your parents to support ? IF WA not possible there may be a cultural women's group locally who could offer support.

Do you have children OP?
What is your relationship like with your line manager?

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 14-Feb-13 08:31:51

"Is it right if my husbands continues to keep my salary? Is it a good Idea for me to move out frist and sort out my feelings?"

'No', it's not right and 'yes' it would be an excellent idea to get yourself out of this horribly abusive relationship as soon as you can pack a bag. If he has been kicking you and you feel frightened of him you'd also be entitled to call the police and report him for assault. Get him removed from your home. You might want to talk to Womens Aid about practical help in escaping an abusive relationship, temporary accommodation and so forth.

Please get yourself to a place of safety as soon as possible.

clam Thu 14-Feb-13 08:52:53

He makes you stand up so that he can aim better to kick you!??? shock

Please take action now. There are people and organisations who will help you.

Good luck.

ImverySad Thu 14-Feb-13 08:53:33

My story,

(Pls pardon me for my bad english, not my first language)

Thanks for taking the time reading my comments...

I came from a poor family,(a complicated family, the family who raised me painstakingly are not my biological parents, as my real parents run aways 26 years ago, no news from them until now)

The family who raised me since young are too old to help out, I do not want them to worry about me, furthermore they are too far away from me. and they are depending on me financially.

I have no relatives or even close friends in this country as I just moved here nearly 4 years ago when i got married to my husband.

Most of the time, when im upset i will just remind myself that life is beautiful, full of hope...so when my husband and i fight, sometimes i will just listen to his nagging and verbal abuse as i do not want further conlicts between us.

I really hope I can gather all my courage to do something now, I am not as brave as other people.

Somtimes, I think that it is normal for a couple to fight, but for my case we fight about anything and everthing.

this may sound exagerate, but I am not allowed to watch korean drama as my husband does not like it, i dont know why. dancing is my hobby, and i have to stop that because my husband does not like it, even i only dance in our own house for fun, he will get angry and will kick my ass for that.

If he said somthing and I dont hear it, he will say somthing wrong with my ear, he calls me an Idiot sometimes, call me stupid, and even call me names like 'you're a monkey' to him its just a joke, and i would just laugh along with him to make him happy and to avoid any arguments, while my heart is bleeding..thinking of when is this gonna end.

Anyways, sorry guys for having your reading all this problems.

And Thank you so much guys, I feel slightly better after reading each of your comments and advise...they are useful and im really graful for that. Bless you all.

ImverySad Thu 14-Feb-13 08:56:57

Thank You very muchsmile

Yes he will ask me to stand up for him to kick me, if he as angry at me of somthing.

Please call the police. He is a sadist and is abusing you.
do you have children?

Please, please leave this man. You owe it to yourself and to the lovely couple who raised you.

SPB asked what your relationship with your Line Manager at work is like, and I would agree that this could be an excellent place to start.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 14-Feb-13 09:01:50

0808 2000 247 - this is the Womens Aid number and I think you need to talk to them and get some advice.

It is not normal or acceptable to be physically, verbally and financially abused. It is a criminal offence.

DeafLeopard Thu 14-Feb-13 09:09:31

OP you do not deserve to be treated this way by this vile man.

Please get in touch with Womens Aid, they can give you as much or as little support as you need, from practical advice to helping you find a new home.

You say you have no friends - could you approach your boss? What about a sympathetic colleague? Does your work have an HR department? They may be able to provide you with support and guidance.

Once you have left your husband, you will be able to control your own finances, including provision for the lovely couple who brought you up.

[Message has been edited by MNHQ to protect the OP's anonymity]

Emandlu Thu 14-Feb-13 09:10:12

This man is being very cruel. It is not normal for a man to act in this way. Please ring the Womens Aid number that has been posted, they can give you advice on how to get away.

You are being physically, emotionally and financially abused. You do not deserve it no matter what he says. He has no right to take your money. He has no right to kick you. He has no right to treat you so badly.

The way he behaves is not how people should behave and any decent man would not act in this way.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Thu 14-Feb-13 09:10:20

Oh my love. Of course he doesn't want you to dance or watch Korean shows: he wants to hurt you, and so is denying you anything that gives you joy.

He is a weak and pathetic man who needs to hurt you in order to feel powerful and superior. In short, he is a bully and a coward.

You deserve so, so much better in life than this.

You didn't deserve to be abandoned by your birth parents: it's nothing to do with you, they had their own issues. You were always a lovable person. You also shouldn't have to feel indebted to your guardians and pay for them: they are grown-ups, and they can and should take care of their own selves. And you absolutely do not deserved to be kicked and controlled and insulted and have your money stolen by your husband.

You deserve to dance. Please call Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247, tell them you are living with a violent man, and ask for a place in a refuge.

BrokenBritain Thu 14-Feb-13 09:12:08

I don't know where you are from originally but www.Ashiana.org.uk are set up to help south Asian, Turkish and Iranian women who are in relationships like yours. It might be worth contacting them for a chat.
Please don't feel alone, there are people who can help you if you want them to.

Please do call Womens Aid on 0808 200 247 as they can and will help you here. The other respondents have stated correctly that you are being abused within this marriage. This is no marriage; he has you in a cage of his own paranoid making.

Abusers do nice/nasty very well but its a continuous cycle of abuse.

You are not alone; you have written on here and by doing that you have taken the first baby step to leaving this abusive marriage.

I wish you every courage and strength and would second the counsel to seek help from your employers. You do not have to live like this.

Please leave him, OP. Arrange to have your salary moved to your own bank account, and start looking for your own place to live. If you think he might be violent towards you when he finds out, then as others have suggested, call Women's Aid and move into a refuge while you find your own flat.

He sounds absolutely awful. Leave as soon as you can. Just hold an image of yourself in your head of you dancing freely in your own house/flat, with a big smile on your face, no-one to answer to, no reason to be scared - just freedom to be you. Keep that image when you think it's too hard to leave and realise that it will absolutely be worth it.

I have nothing to add to the excellent advice that you have already had here. I would urge you to follow it, you have the law of this country on your side.

I will be reporting your post and another posters where you/they use your name as given the situation the less identifiable you are here the better. Please also delete your Internet history too to protect yourself.

moogy1a Thu 14-Feb-13 09:38:14

How are your parents financially dependant on you if you are allowed no money other than for food?
Where does that money come from to give to parents?

TheMagicMumber Thu 14-Feb-13 09:38:24

Police and Women's Aid.

Imverysad - I am so sorry that you are going through this. I hope you are finding support and strength from the posts here, to feel less alone and more able to take action and look after yourself.

Take the advice here and prepare to leave this abusive man. I am concerned that he will react badly to any sign that you are going to leave so please be careful and get advice from Womensaid or Ashiana to make sure you leave safely and have somewhere to go.

It will be hard but you will get support on here and somewhere to safely express your feelings. x

Flisspaps Thu 14-Feb-13 10:01:31

OP - I have reported your post of 8.28 and a further post by someone else as they both refer to your real name - if your husband does find these posts, its probably better that your name isn't confirmed!

shadesofwhite Thu 14-Feb-13 10:23:51

OP please check your inbox. I've PM's you.

Dryjuice25 Thu 14-Feb-13 12:01:32

Your husband is an utter abusive twat who who thinks he owns you like a possession. Everything that belongs to him belongs to him but what belongs to you belongs to him as well!

You have had fanastic advice from the amazing women on here and I hope you follow this advice to freedom. Can you imagine one day having a pay check that belongs to just you to do as you want. To be in a position to help your lovely parents as you wish and to enjoy the fruits of your hard earned cash. I am sure you are dreamimg about this day but only you can make it hapen by leaving this man.

Another word for what is happening to you right now is slavery.You are being enslaved by this man in 2013! This is not acceptable at so many levels. I doubt from what you are saying that this man helps with any housework not that this matters very much in this situation but I think he is one of those old fashioned mem who believe housework to be womens' work.

And please do use protection. You don't want this man's offspring as you would be tied to this twunt through this.

Do be careful as he won't be too pleased to know that the cash cow you want to leave and he is a very controlling man and most women become extremely vulnerable when they are trying/wanting to leave.

I wish you all the best

Dryjuice25 Thu 14-Feb-13 12:05:45

men*

Pinkflipflop Thu 14-Feb-13 12:08:01

I don't have any advice for you but I just wanted to say, you don't deserve to be treated like this. You have done NOTHING to deserve this; you are worth more than this. You deserve to have a happy and fulfilled life away from this nasty bully.

Please contact Women's Aid.

Xiaoxiong Thu 14-Feb-13 12:14:21

Oh Imverysad I just want to give you a huge hug and let you know you're not alone. You've had great advice here and I hope you leave him as soon as possible.

Please speak to someone in real life. If you were my colleague or neighbour I would take you in like a shot while you got back on your feet.

AngelWreakinHavoc Thu 14-Feb-13 12:16:49

Bless You op. No one deserves to be treat like that. Are You in the UK?

JenaiMorris Thu 14-Feb-13 12:23:00

Your husband is a hideous bully and you need to leave (ideally you need to kick him out but that's easier said than done I imagine).

Is he British? Do you have children together?

Please listen to everyone else about contacting Women's Aid. As soon as possible.

"my heart is bleeding..thinking of when is this gonna end."

It will end when he is out of your life. Takes your money, kicks you, doesn't let you dance or watch TV that you like...

"He is ok and romantic, sweet when he is not angry"

That's really not enough.

How does he take your money? Keep it and leave.

squeakytoy Thu 14-Feb-13 12:58:57

Are you Korean? Are you married to a korean?

Lueji Thu 14-Feb-13 13:47:44

Agreeing with everyone else.

Make sure your salary is paid into a different account in your sole name.

Try to find some organisation that can help you and protect you in your country.
Failing that, contact a solicitor to determine your best course of action regarding separation from your husband.

Xiaoxiong Thu 14-Feb-13 13:54:20

squeaky I just picked up on that too, that OP might be Korean.

If you are, annyong haseyo Imverysad and do you go to church? We go to H-Mart in New Malden a lot and I have seen signs for Korean churches. If you would feel more comfortable talking to a Korean pastor for help than calling Women's Aid please think about looking at http://kingscrosschurch.com/ or http://www.londonkc.com/

Don't know how to put hangul on Mumsnet but haeng uneul binda and please come back for more support.

Genchanueul guhya.

disclaimer: have used almost every schoolyard Korean phrase I remember in this post...

What's the significance of op being Korean?

Xiaoxiong Thu 14-Feb-13 14:02:17

I got no one to talk to as I do not have any family or relatives in this country except my husband.

I am not allowed to watch korean drama as my husband does not like it

Just guessing at OP's nationality but if she is Korean, there is a friendly and welcoming Korean community in the UK she may not know about if she has only been here a few years. Also she has apologized a couple of times for her (actually excellent) English, so may feel more comfortable speaking to someone in her mother language than calling Women's Aid.

Oh missed the Korean dramas. Thanks, was just wondering.

squeakytoy Thu 14-Feb-13 15:25:01

I live near new Malden too (it has the highest Korean community in the uk) and would certainly be some kind of support there for the op.

Hope that is the case then. Sounds like the OP desperately needs some RL support. Just hope they don't have children.

ImverySad Fri 15-Feb-13 05:59:02

To: All Caring Women/Wives and Mother's out there,

I cant thank you enough for all the support and advises you're giving me. thanks

Many of you asked me to seek help, yes it sounds easy but guys i am scared and terrified to do anything now, im nervous even just by doing this. my partner noticed that I am very quiet nowadays. Thoug I am not doing anything yet.

You know guys, my partners mom is very kind to me, she treats me very well, but she does not know my situation as i do not want her to worry as she is not in good health, and we seldom see each other.

I have no kids yet, though I love to have one but I am afraid knowing that my relationship with my partner is not good, I do not want my kids to be affected with my unstable marriage or worst to be molested by neighbours when young (like what happend to me when i was only 9 yrs old).

For those having a similar story like me, Pls do not lose hope, or never give up, there are many times that I got so depressed and wanted to end my life, but friends, one thing i realise, no matter what you are going thru, do not give up. Life is beautiful and precious. Do not punish yourself by ending your life. Instead, keep hoping and find ways to settle the problem.

I know I should not say this, knowing that my situation has not been solved.
But I am happy that you guys actually so great, If only i have a mother like you guys to protect me...

Abitwobblynow Fri 15-Feb-13 06:20:06

Hi, Sad, come here and talk to us.

Tell us about yourself. What are your dreams? What are your disappointments? You will find you have a voice here and you are heard and that will help you in RL. We know how lonely and sad you feel, we will be here for you, at your pace.

Posting here is the beginning of a new life! Take hope, Sad.

Tell us about your H. Where does he come from? What does he do?

Who do you work with? Is there anyone you can tell at work?

ImverySad Fri 15-Feb-13 06:26:48

I come from a catholic conservative couple, and I believe in marriage, i also believe that couples should not separate for better and for worst. that is why i am confused of what is the right thing to do, and its killing me.
yesterday was a valentines day, and my partner talk to me, again, he said all the romantic things and sweet words, like he will not abandon me and that he loves me deeply.

(He hugs me tightly and told me that i am not alone, even though i do not have my own parents to care for me.) I was emotional, i do not konw why but i felt he was sincere when he said those words. but then, in the back of my mind is telling me, he only say this because he is in the mood and he is not angry.

That is why its making it difficult for me to act now, i am so confused. 1 of my colleague told me that I should try to talk to my partner nicely and tell him about my unhappiness. I did it once in awhile, telling my partner how i feel when he do certain tihngs that would hurt me. But instead, my partner thinks that ive become bold and even more stubborn now.

Guys, some of you may think that im not matured enough to decide or to know what to do. but I will admit that i think i have not matured yet, as i have not reach 30 yet.

Im sorry guys for tsking up so much of your time reading my complaints about my life.

But Thank You Again.

People will only read if they choose to smile
I know it must seem daunting but you don't need your husband or your parents to look after you, if you start to trust your own judgement and make changes that you think are necessary then your life will get better.

ImverySad Fri 15-Feb-13 06:37:36

Sorry guys for the questions that you ask, but i am unable to answer some of them.

All I want is for him to stop, the verbal abuse, and to stop calling me names, stop taking control of my life, stop deciding for myself, especially the things that I do not want. stop kicking me even if its just for fun. stop calling me stupid or idiot.

If ever we really need to separate, i would not want any single cents from him, i will live quietly, but no matter what i am still his wife who cares a lot about him, i do not want any harm to happen to him, i still want him to be safe, live happily and healthy.

He is a nice man, also religious, just that when he is angry, evrything comes out.

Sorry but nice men do not regularly kick their wives.
And you say "even if we separate". He won't separate from you, he has his wife and his punching bag. Do you have plans to separate from him?

FarBetterNow Fri 15-Feb-13 06:45:40

I too believed in the sanctity of Marriage vows.
I was married for 30 years to a selfish, abusive, unfaithfull man, but didn't leave him as I had vowed 'for better, for worse'.
I now realise that because he had broken his vows first, that he had broken the marriage, so if I had left I would not have been breaking my vows.

Hope that makes sense.

In the end he found a younger woman and he left me, which I was very thankful for.

Do you really believe that a loving god would want you to stay with a man who abuses you physically, verbally, emotionally and financially? This marriage needs to end, and it will be because of him and his abuse. There is no blame on you. Life is too short to be unhappy all the time and too short not to dance. Please think very seriously about taking your life back. It belongs to you, you deserve to be loved, safe and happy.

JakeBullet Fri 15-Feb-13 06:57:12

Iamsad, I am Catholic too and I know very well that God would not want you to remain in an abusive marriage.....and your husband is abusive. You can be kind and want the best for him but you also need to be safe and my feeling is that his behaviour will escalate over time. Please please please phone Women's Aid and talk to them. ....fr your safety.

ImverySad Fri 15-Feb-13 07:03:59

Thanks guys..

Im partly to blame for being softhearted, first year of our marriage, I did not do anything to stop his behavious then, as i thought he needed a helping hand and warm comfort from me as his wife. (as he is also come from a complicated family and not very close to his siblings) Sometimes i think that maybe he does not know how to controls himself, and maybe he needs help,(maybe something affects him from his childhood that makes him to act this way) thats why i chose to kept quiet for 3 years.
ive always chose to let it go evrytime we fight or when he makes me upset.

It is not your fault for forgiving him! a good man would not abuse his wife.

ImverySad Fri 15-Feb-13 07:22:38

There are so many things that stoping me from taking action fast. and the reason why i am very confused.

1. I feel extremely sad and worried, for my partner if i leave him, (who is going to look after him and comfort him when he is not feeling well, or if he is feeling down? not just him but I worried about my mother inlaw would not be able to take it as well. (she is kind to me, i do not want to hurt her at any cost.)

2. We are in debt right now, as the prevoius years non of us were working, that lead us to borrow money for survival. (Im worried for him emotionally, financially and physically) These are just one of the things im worried.

3. Even though I am working, but it is not stable, and I am under working visa. if my visa is cancelled,i'll be send back to my hometown, and when that happens, who's gonna help my old and poor parent who is depending on me..? I mean never mind about me,(As Ive gone through the worst in my life when growing up) its my family and love ones that I am worried about.

4. I am not stable emotionally, as I have anxiety problems.

Last but not least, I still want to help my husband,I still love him and believe in him,hence, does not want to live with him. These are my concerns...

TepidCoffee Fri 15-Feb-13 07:24:02

Where are you from, OP?

I think an understanding of your background and cultural context would help here.

Imverysad,

Your last post was mainly about him. What about you, you are important!!.

You are not responsible for your H when all is said and done; you cannot help or save anyone who does not want to be rescued and or saved. Your mistake was thinking that you could love someone who is himself badly emotionally damaged better but you cannot and must never act as a rescuer and or saviour in a relationship. He would have been just as abusive regardless of whom he married.

You also sound codependent which is itself emotionally unhealthy a state and sets you up for even more abuse. Would suggest you read "Codependent No More" written by Melodie Beattie.

Is your salary still being paid into his account?. Where has all the money gone?.

Your own dysfunctional childhood gave you a very skewed view of relationships; this is not how a normal healthy marriage works at all.
Abusers can be sometimes nice but its a continuous cycle; if they were awful all the time no-one would want to be with them but you are probably finding now that him being "nice" now is happening less frequently.

Re his MIL you cannot stay with this man because she's nice to you. She does not have to live with her son day to day does she?. You do and you get the full fury of his abusive treatment as a result.

He will destroy you completely in the end if you were to stay with him and I do not wish to frighten you any more than you already are but you could end up being killed by him. You cannot help him and more to the point he does not want your help. He sees you as only his emotional punchbag. You may love him but he certainly does not love you at all; he is blaming you for all his problems now but it is not your fault he is this way.

I would daresay too that if you were to leave this abusive man your problems with anxiety would quickly lessen.

ImverySad Fri 15-Feb-13 07:49:52

I am originally from PH, and now live in SG.

ImverySad Fri 15-Feb-13 07:55:48

Thanks AttilaMeerkat,

Actually the money goes into my own account, but my H took the ATM card and knows the password,eversince I started work. he withdraws the salary every month to pay for our bills and expenses.

Apart from being physically abused by him he is stealing your salary to boot.

These are all not the actions of a loving person.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

You need to talk to your bank urgently because he is stealing from them as well as you. The bankcard remains their property.

Your H is a dangerous man.

Which country or continent if you want to be less specific were you born in and are you in the UK now?.

ImverySad Fri 15-Feb-13 08:07:49

Nope Im not born in the UK and nitheir live there, i just happend to find this website when i was searching for an answer and advise of my situation.
How I wish I live there where people are so great.

LIZS Fri 15-Feb-13 08:11:49

He has so conditioned you into feeling it must be your fault and he is the victim. Your anxiety is clouding your judgement . there are ways out of this but you need to be brave and take control. Can you get the pin changed on your account for starters? Did he coerce you into giving him your pin ? He is effectively robbing you by access your account and most banks would take a very dim view of this.

Ah. If you're not in the UK I don't know that any of the advice that's been given (women's aid etc) is relevant.
OP why is it up to you to look after your DH when he feels down? Does he do this for you? because it sounds as though he is the reason you feel so down, and then when you are, he literally kicks you.

What I suppose I'm saying is you care and are worried about him but he does not feel the same about you. From his actions I guess he feels he possesses you and also feels a fair amount of contempt towards you.

ImverySad Fri 15-Feb-13 08:31:23

Initially, the very first month of my salary, i was still holding my ATM card, but my H said that ;(I think I better withdraw it and put it in my account first because you do not know how to budget and sure u will anyhow spend your money, i will give it you when you are ready') this is what he told me that time, but until now, he does not return me my card.

For me money is not the issue, if he does not verbally abuse me or kick me when he is angry, or tells me what to do, maybe I can still take it and live with him even though he controls my money. but now i feel that he does not respect me at all, all my effort on taking care of him and enduring all the things he has done has been wasted.

Yes, you take care of him. He doesn't care about you.

ImverySad Fri 15-Feb-13 08:38:03

All my love for him, being patience with him, doing all means to understand and support him, give all my energy to be with him, i do not know how much tears ive lost crying because of him.

"i also believe that couples should not separate for better and for worst. "

This is dangerous thinking. I might agree couples should stick together "for better and worse" when it means ill health, or financial troubles. I certainly don't agree couples should stick together when one is kicking the other, calling her stupid/idiot, taking all financial control.

You say he is a nice man. Really? Doesn't sound like it. Surely there are some things that are deal breakers, however "nice" he is the rest of the time. For most women, kicking would be one of them. Why do you trivialise this?

ImverySad Fri 15-Feb-13 08:44:02

when he is not angry or tired, he would sit down and talk to me and tells me evrything will be fine, and he will tell me that he is always there for me, he would calm me down when im stressed from work(partly stressed because of him but he thinks that its because of my work that i am stressed, but i am afraid and do not know how to tell him that im stressed because of him)

Like I said, he is very supportive and caring when he is not angry of somthing.
We could be a perfect couple if he does not do all the things that Ive mentione in my previous comment.

But he doesn't. Actions speak louder the words. Presumably he knows kicking you isn't ideal but he chooses to do it anyway. Or he really can't help it. Either way, not a man to be near.
Why do you think non-angry him is the real him? And angry him is somehow not the real him and can be got rid of?

"All my love for him, being patience with him, doing all means to understand and support him, give all my energy to be with him, i do not know how much tears ive lost crying because of him"

And there's your codependent side speaking again.

And its all come to nothing precisely because he is abusive. You cannot help such an abusive man by loving them better because that simply sets you up to be further abused. This is exactly what has happened here to you.

I fear for your long term safety if you were to stay with him; he could well end up killing you.

But he does do all these things, doesn't he?

How well did you know him before you married? Did he get angry then? And when he is angry, why should he take it out on you?

"We could be a perfect couple"

Good men don't kick their wives. Ever.

Iggly Fri 15-Feb-13 08:54:04

If you have children and he kicks them, what would you think? That he's a good father but if only they didn't make him angry?

You have a job so if you moved in with your parents, could you support them?

ImverySad Fri 15-Feb-13 08:58:20

I know guys, if im confused now, i was 2 times confused before ive posted my comment here and start reading your advise, now its clearer.

Thank you so much.. and pls pardon me, if i sound like all over the place, im sorry, im just really afraid right now, and emotionally not stable.

Till next time guys, i may not be able to comment here until im back to work.

Thanks Again for your time and effort writing here.smile

good luck

I'mverysad you say you would be worried about him if you left him. He does not worry about you when he kicks you or takes your wages, he does not deserve your worry. You deserve better.

You are not in debt, your husband manages all the finances, he took the loans, they are not your problem.

You are still working and could continue to work and could get another working visa. Your working visa would not end if you left him.

How much of your anxiety is coming from your worry that if you say or do the wrong thing he will physically abuse you again?

If you tell the bank your card was stolen they can issue a knew card and pin at your request.

Please contact Aware a SG based organisation for support. There are laws to protect you in SG too.

You are only young, you could have a whole happy life free from physical abuse if you choose. He does not deserve a lovely wife like you.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Fri 15-Feb-13 09:06:40

All I want is for him to stop

That's not in your control: nothing you can say or do can make him abuse you, or make him stop abusing you. They are his actions. Under his control only.
He will only stop if he wants to stop.
And he doesn't want to, does he?

All that you can do is: accept his behaviour, or walk away.
What you cannot do is change another person's behaviour. Only your own.

1. I feel extremely sad and worried, for my partner if i leave him, (who is going to look after him and comfort him when he is not feeling well, or if he is feeling down? not just him but I worried about my mother inlaw would not be able to take it as well. (she is kind to me, i do not want to hurt her at any cost.)

They are adults and can take care of themselves.
Neither of them are your responsibilit.
Only you are your responsibility.
You matter, OP. Please take care of yourself.

2. We are in debt right now, as the prevoius years non of us were working, that lead us to borrow money for survival. (Im worried for him emotionally, financially and physically) These are just one of the things im worried.

That's not a good enough reason to stay in an abusive marriage. There are lawyers and notaries and banks to deal with such practicalities.

3. Even though I am working, but it is not stable, and I am under working visa. if my visa is cancelled,i'll be send back to my hometown, and when that happens, who's gonna help my old and poor parent who is depending on me..? I mean never mind about me,(As Ive gone through the worst in my life when growing up) its my family and love ones that I am worried about.

Your separation will not automatically affect your visa, will it?
And even if it does: once again, that is not a good enough reason to stay in an abusive marriage. There are bureaucrats and lawyers to deal with such practicalities.

Your parents are also adults who are NOT your responsibility. Worry about yourself first. And if you really want to remain responsible for them, there are ways to arrange for care, money transfers,...

But really: how many people are sucking you dry of energy, love and cash, OP? How many other people are you carrying, while forgetting to care about yourself?

4. I am not stable emotionally, as I have anxiety problems.

I think you will find that these will lessen and disappear once you are no longer in an abusive relationship. Being with this man makes you anxious and depressed (which, in turn, keeps you with him, as he makes you believe he is your only support through this anxiety and depression. It's a tried and tested formula for manipulation).

Women who leave abusive relationships find their anxiety and depression lifts, along with their freedom.

Standing on your own two feet emotionally and financially will also do great things to boost your self-esteem, as you prove to yourself that you can cope without the parasites in your life.

Very good points hotdamn. Op you are sacrificing your own happiness and health and wellbeing for others. When do your needs become important? When you have grown up children to look after you? Because I don't think you'll make it that long if things carry on as they are.

If you've been able to get a work visa where you are now I'm sure you could get one somewhere else. In any case you aren't helping your parents by beng financially and physically abused.

garlicbreeze Fri 15-Feb-13 09:26:05

I know it's horrible to think you've been giving all your love and patience to a bad person, Imvery, and to realise they never will be the 'good' you believe you see in them. It's very hard and I hope you can find enough spirit to see the truth.

I'm sure he's lovely sometimes. Of course, you wouldn't have married him if he wasn't nice to you! In the early days, it's easy to excuse the anger - you think maybe he needs understanding - and it's only later on that the 'anger' becomes the usual. It's not about passing fits of temper, sadly, this is who and what they are. I've fallen for it in the past, too sad

You know how some people treat their dog quite badly, even though they say they love it? They pet and play with the dog when they feel like it. Other times, they yell at the dog and kick it. Dogs keep hoping for the nice treatment, so they come back even when they have been hurt. It's very sad to see.

Some people, I'm sorry to say, like to "train" people the same way. It makes them feel powerful when they've got somebody coming back for more punishment. You're not a pet, though, you have the intellect to use your freedom of choice. Would your employer sponsor you on a working visa? Can you find out?

garlicbreeze Fri 15-Feb-13 09:28:16

Very good post from HotDamn!

HotDAMNlifeisgood Fri 15-Feb-13 09:37:32

This statement of yours makes me so very, very sad: I mean never mind about me,(As Ive gone through the worst in my life when growing up)

Sweetheart, you do matter.
Horrible things happened to you when you were a child, and they were not your fault. You did not deserve them.
You deserve to seek the best treatment possible for yourself -- not more of the same, just because you know you can take it! You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.
You are a unique and lovable person, and you matter.
Please believe it.

As a parent, if you were my daughter I'd do anything to get you out of there.

You shouldn't stay in an abusive relationship for the sake (as you see it) of your parents and your MIL. They might surprise you and be glad to see you leave - if they're not, then they're not on your side anyway.

TepidCoffee Fri 15-Feb-13 10:22:11

Hi Imverysad, here is a link to an organisation in SG for help with domestic abuse and violence:

www.aware.org.sg

Please get some local help and support (don't stop talking here, too!).

TepidCoffee Fri 15-Feb-13 10:23:35

1800-774-5935

Is their helpline number. Give them a call.

TepidCoffee Fri 15-Feb-13 10:27:31

This site also has links to lots of helpful organisations, including those offering free legal advice:

www.concern.sg/Women

IWasTheBadOne Fri 15-Feb-13 14:12:54

I'm also living in SG. Am glad to see that AWARE has been mentioned already. I would also like to add that the Singapore Council of Women's Organisations may be of use to you. They have a legal clinic if you need free advice about your status, and also a shelter in case the situation at home gets too bad and you need to get out

SCWO

Abitwobblynow Fri 15-Feb-13 16:25:52

Sad, keep talking to us, and don't worry about coming over confused or sad.

Talking it all out, helps you get some things clear in your head.

Unfortunately, abusive men go through a cycle of being cruel and then kind. This messes up our heads, makes it more unclear for us about what is going on, and gives us more hope that they will stop.

But they don't stop. Sorry to tell you, you are with a man who is domestically violent.

PLEASE DO NOT get pregnant right now! Please think about your baby being punched or your little girl being kicked, and don't do this, until things are clearer for you.

Lundy Bancroft. Should I Stay or Should I go? Google this website.

ImverySad Mon 18-Feb-13 02:47:47

Thank you guys for your wonderful advises, it has greatly helped me a lot thinking through it last weekend. I feel that I have a big family support from all of you, to be honest, I feel that I've gathered more and more energy from you guys... I cant thank you enough. Im really grateful.smile I could never get this kind of support and advise from my relatives back home, coz even if they are near me, we are not very close because we are not really blood related.

By the way guys, is it a good Idea to leave a note to my H if ever I decided to leave? as I do not want to leave without a word. Having said that, I have not completely decided yet, as I am still in a confused state.

I feel very guilty, even just by thinking of leaving (just to clear my mind and let him think things through). Especially right now, there are many things going on at home, Again, I feel that He needs my support and he needs me to be there for him, and I feel sorry for him, and I am very sad thinking that he will be alone if I leave him.

Lately, He have been very caring and sweet..asking me, 'Whether I am Ok, Why am I qUiet and Stoning all the time, how come I don't talk to him often now, and things like that.'

And yesterday, we went out and he bought some stuff for me, we went shopping, ( he even joke with me, 'Oh somebody has got a new pair of Clothes' and ask me if I still need anything else..)

As the days goes by, its getting harder and harder for me to think of going away...

ImverySad Mon 18-Feb-13 03:01:14

Thanks again guys, for the advises, encouragement, the info you've referred.smile
Bless all of you.

YNK Mon 18-Feb-13 03:08:15

Please take the advice here and get yourself safe and away from this abuse. Sending unmumsnet <hugs> to you.
This man does not love you like you deserve to be loved!

ImverySad Mon 18-Feb-13 07:00:36

Thank you HotDAMNlifeisgood, I really need that...thanks for cheering me..

if you can say this and knows it, i wonder why my h does not know all this, or maybe he knows but he chose to ignore it..haiz im very exhausted thinking and reflecting of what is going on with my ML.

ImverySad Mon 18-Feb-13 07:02:19

NotGoodNotBad , How I wish I have a mum like you who would care for me and would rescue me.sad

Thanks for your commentsmile

ImverySad Mon 18-Feb-13 07:08:21

Thanks TepidCoffee I would certainly dosmile Thanks for the link

GeekLove Mon 18-Feb-13 08:17:07

Looks like he can sense a change in you in that h is loosing you. There are two ways his attempts at trying to win you back can go. Either he will revert back to type or he will escalate the abuse. Either way I don't want to lark you but you need to get some concrete plans to get away as him sensing you changing is a very dangerous time.

ImverySad Mon 18-Feb-13 08:24:54

GeekLove thanks...yes, he is a very sharp man, he can sense if somthing is bothering me. Yes, I am making plans right now..thinking it carefully.

I wish I were your mum and could come and get you. sad

Any friends nearby? Or are you able to contact some of the organisations people have listed? Is your salary enough to live on? Could you change your pin just before your salary gets paid in, pack a bag and just go?

BTW I've never been in this kind of situation, but whether you would leave a note I guess would be personal choice - for you, not him. Maybe leaving a note giving your reasons for leaving would let you feel like you were putting the record straight, and drawing a line under the relationship? But if you did, I don't think you could expect him just to say, "OK, she's quite right, I was not a good husband."

ImverySad Mon 18-Feb-13 09:43:21

Thanks NotGoodNotBad,

I have friends in my office, and 1 of them is very close to me and she has been my shoulder to cry on when i am down or upset. However if i need to run away she wont be able to help me, she can only help me with some piece of advise.

As for the money, Im not really earning a lot.. but i would think it would be enough (i hope) ..I havent change my pin yet, maybe end of this month before getting my "first" pay.

garlicbreeze Mon 18-Feb-13 11:57:41

Darling, I am wishing you all strength, wisdom and a few strokes of luck! If you could manage to get yourself free this month, how fantastic! But if not, don't worry - you can play "nice" with H and organise things for the next month.

As he doesn't let you have your own money, I think you'll have to do a sudden flit on pay day or the day before it, whichever month you go. Sooner is probably better therefore, as long as you've got somewhere to go for the first week at least. Please do phone the organisations people have told you about in Singapore. They might even be able to offer you a room for when you go.

And if you do decide to leave, stay safe - don't give him any advance warning, don't let him know where you're going. If he is violent with you for no reason, I worry what he might do if he thinks you're taking control of your life.

AgathaF Mon 18-Feb-13 13:32:17

I am pleased you are making plans to get away - you really, really need to leave this dangerous man.

Although you are not in the UK, the Women's Aid site has some good information on it that you might be interested in reading, even though you would not be able to access their support.

Good luck, and as others have said - keep your plans and preparations very quiet for the time being.

ImVerySad I am glad to hear you are feeling a bit stronger in yourself.

Please contact some of the organisations mentioned upthread for support and as NotGood said, do not give him any advance warning if you do plan to leave.

There is a thread on here for people in emotionally abusive relationships, see here. There are people on there who will advise and support you, some who are still in relationships with their abuser and others who have got out.

His recent 'good behaviour' is classic in the cycle of violence in domestic abuse (see section under that heading). He will try to reassert control again and will return to his usual violent pattern, do not be lulled into a false sense of security.

Abitwobblynow Mon 18-Feb-13 14:25:15

Sad, think of his behaviour like one of those gambling machines in Las Vegas - the machine that you feed a coin in and pull the handle. After a while, randomly, the machine will give out some coins, a payout. The gamblers put in the coins and put in the coins and pull the handle, then when nothing happens they give up and go to another machine.

This is what abusive men do. The woman puts in her love, caring and understanding (the coins) in the hope that he will respond to her and change (the payout to happy ever after).
What the man DOES is take, take, take the coins (of caring), like the machines do. And then, when they sense they have gone too far and the women is starting to give up, they will be more loving, caring, say they understand they have been [unfair, mean, unloving] and give a little 'pay-out' (coins). This gets the women hopeful that THIS TIME HE REALLY UNDERSTANDS and she stays and re-invests her 'coins'.

And the cycle starts again. Beware, if I were you I would tell your work that you are unhappy at home. IF you voice it, it becomes more real for you and the people let you know it is unfair. I would start to save money/make a plan/look for a place to stay/better job.
Also, when he is calm and you are getting on well, say that you do not like being kicked and that this is not a loving thing to do - but only do this if you know you won't get 'punished'.
Google Lundy Bancroft. He knows all about cruel men and he prepares you to get stronger in yourself.

Miggsie Mon 18-Feb-13 14:30:50

Your husband is stealing from you - he is a thief and should be in jail.

Why do you feel sorry for him? He is horrible.

Who is feeling sorry for you?

My aunt spend 50 years with a total bastard out of "duty" and she had a miserable life.

Get out now and find someone who likes you.

don't believe anything he says, he doesn't care a bit about you.

Thinking about it, your situation means you are effectively a slave. Slavery is illegal.
Leave him.

ImverySad Tue 19-Feb-13 04:08:44

garlicbreeze , Thanks for the well wishes..smile

I am looking to rent a room right now, still could not get any suitable one. but ill kee trying. And yes I will definetely make a call to seek some advise once ive settled this down.

NotGoodNotBad - Thanks too, Yes Im really trying so hard not to let him notice anything about my plans, its hard because he is very smart when it comes to this, he can sense if somthing is amiss.

AgathaF - Thanks for the advisesmile yes, even though i do not lived in UK, but the advise and support from all of you is more than enough. Will certainly read more from the link you all have referred. Thanks Again.

StitchAteMySleep - That is exactly what is going on right now, once he thinks or feel that he have been unfair or treated me bad, he will do all kinds of things to please me, (and here I am hoping that he really understand my pain and will try to change for the better, but unfortunately,this has been like a roller coaster, when he is not stress or if he is not in the bad mood, he would treat you like a princess, but if not, you better be prepared) Im tried of believing and keep hoping that he would understand my pain and struggles.sad

Abitwobblynow - I get what you mean, and it is very sad to think that he is like that, I love him very much though, and it breaks my heart thinking of how our marriage turn out.

And yes, Ive tried talking to him in a nice way, when he was in the mood to talk and listened to what i say. Told him I dont like when he does all the things to me,(like kicking me calling me names and scold me with bad words, I told him that his words hurt me the most) it did work for awhile, and he did apologise but after sometime he will scold me for what I said and complain to him. and he tells me i was the one in the wrong and i was being stubborn thats why he has to do that to me.

Miggsie - In reality what you said is true, but for me i could not bear to send him to jail or even tell the police, I mean as long as I can get out from this situation is good enough. And even if I separate with him, I dont think I will find another person to like or even become my partner, I am truamatised, both emotionally and physically scared, and i dont want to be in another relationship..
its better to focus on my life and help my old parents, they need me moresmile

But thanks for your advise, ill keep that in mind.smile

Abitwobblynow Tue 19-Feb-13 16:48:06

How did you meet him? Is he Malaysian? What does he do for work? Do you think he could change (unlearn bad behaviour)?

Please tell me you have googled Lundy Bancroft. He can tell you so much about men who abuse, and whether they can change or not (what to look for).

Jux Tue 19-Feb-13 21:36:26

Just read your thread, Imverysad, and it has made me very sad to think of you so alone, with a man who thinks that it is OK to tell you to stand up so that he can kick you. I am so glad that you have found support here, and to read that you are making plans.

Keep strong, and know that there are people here thinking of you kindly and wishing you well, willing you on to carve out a good life for yourself.

You deserve a man who loves you. That means he cherishes you and respects you, and would dream of taking your money or hurting you. The time will come, my beautiful one.

ImverySad Wed 20-Feb-13 00:45:10

Jux, Thanks for your wonderful message, and yes, im a little bit stronger now as i am able to make plans on what to do next still a little afraid but i think making progress,(unlike before i didnt know that to do at all) thanks to all of your support from people here reading my stories and for taking the time to respond and advise me anf for the well wishes.

ImverySad Wed 20-Feb-13 01:07:31

Thanks! Abitwobblynow,

I met him through friends...I honestly hoping and praying that he will change, but sadly, I feel that he is really like that. sometimes i can feel that he is changing his behaviour a bit and being nice to me, but when he angry with something (even over a small things) he then start scolding me and sometimes can lead to 'asking me to stand up and he will kick me'

Yes Ive googled Lundy Bancroft:Should I stay or Should I go' Thankssmile
I've read a lot from his article and below are just one of the things Ive read about happening in my relationship with my H.

(•He is abusive, meaning that he engages in behaviors that tear you down, take your freedom away, or intimidate you.)

And there are a lot of things, and its getting clearer now that my H is really controlling and abusing me.

Thanks again Abitwobblynow..smile

Damash12 Wed 20-Feb-13 05:03:41

Oh my goodness, you need to leave Hun. Really you need to get yourself out of this terrible relationship and I can promise you a million times over you will be happier for the rest of your life. This is not normal behaviour and good, happy, loving relationships are not like this. Please find the strength to get out and see this terrible man for what he is.. A vile, pathetic, controlling, sadistic bully. You deserve better Hun.

ripsishere Wed 20-Feb-13 05:42:13

I am in Selangor, near KL Malaysia. If you need somewhere to hide for a couple of weeks, send me a PM.
I live very close to Subang airport where a lot of flights from SG arrive, also, if you wanted to get a coach, there is a stop at One Utama which is about 15 minutes drive away from me.
Think about it.

ImverySad Wed 20-Feb-13 05:53:06

Damash12: thanks for your comment and advise..smileyes i am sorting this out right now, figuring out what's the next thing to do. I feel like my head is going to explode soon..there's just too many things going on in my mind rught now.

ImverySad Wed 20-Feb-13 05:55:37

ripsishere : thanks for your concern...I can still manage, i will deal with this situation. your comment and advise is more than enough.

ripsishere Wed 20-Feb-13 06:14:36

The offer is ongoing. Very best of luck.

I somehow missed the part about him making you stand up so he could kick you. How nasty. sad

It really doesn't matter how "nice" or "romantic" he is the rest of the time. This man is not worthy of your love.

LIZS Wed 20-Feb-13 11:13:35

If you met through friends would those same people support you now ? How well did you know him or his family when you got together ?

garlicbreeze Wed 20-Feb-13 14:07:47

Rips, how kind!

ImverySad Thu 21-Feb-13 05:21:57

NotGoodNotBad, Yes. The Kicking part seldom happens nowadays, its only if he gets very angry..sad while on normal days when he has mood swing and gets naggy over a small things..he will use hand to slap (not on my face) but on the legs and on my hands. of course not forgetting the verbal abuse like, (youre so silly, youre so stupid, your so dumb, not forgetting the ;You are Bloody or f**ng this and that.' things like that.

LIZS: if i could do that, ive done long time ago but those friend who introduce him were not really a close friend, and we've lost contact. I've known him for 1/2 years before we got married.

Right now, i feel that he can sense a change of behaviour in me. Sometimes he would talk to me but sometimes he doesnt and if I ask him if he is ok..his reposnd was, OK. that means he is not.

ImverySad Thu 21-Feb-13 05:22:39

thznks ripsishere , for the info.

ImverySad Fri 22-Feb-13 03:21:41

Ive decided to leave my h in 2 weeks time, but right now im feeling very sad for him, i feel the he is so pitiful after he told me last night that, 'he is lonely and sad thinking that Ive change towards him.

I still love him very much and care about him, im so sad for my h and worried for him when i leave.. as he is also very stressed right now and he needs someone to talk and listen to him.

guys pls tell me what to do, im determine to move out at the same time my heart is bleeding after thinking those times that we've spend together and now im leaving him..im so worried for my h. pls pls pls guys tell me im not being cruel by leaving my h when right now he needss emotinal support from me.sad

ripsishere Fri 22-Feb-13 03:26:52

First of all, practical matters.
Have you sorted out your own bank account?
Do you have somewhere to live?
Do you have your own medical insurance sorted out? (mine is linked to DHs)
Secondly, you are the only one who knows whether you are right or not. In my opinion, it's the only thing you can do.
Good luck.

You are not being cruel. He treats you very badly and has no respect for you. He only treats you well for short periods to keep you and then shows you his true self each time he is nasty and kicks, smack, slaps you. No one should be treated that way, even if you were a horrible wife you wouldn't deserve such treatment.
Don't worry about him, he is an adult and can take care of himself, worry about yourself and take care of yourself, you sound very sweet and nice.

FellatioNels0n Fri 22-Feb-13 04:33:34

Don't worry about your husband, he will be fine. It's important that he knows exactly why you are leaving him though, so if you are planning on leaving a letter then do tell him that it's not because your feelings have changed towards him, but because he has disappointed you by turning out to be an abusive, controlling, manipulative bully who is turning you into a scared, lonely and unhappy person.

PurplePidjin Fri 22-Feb-13 05:28:14

"he is lonely and sad thinking that Ive change towards him"

He has caused this change. His behaviour has made this happen. He's a toddler having a tantrum because you won't do as you're told. If he loved you, truly and properly, he'd treat you with respect and this situation would never have happened.

izzyizin Fri 22-Feb-13 06:00:19

If an abusive man showed his true colours all of the time no woman would have anything to do with him.

Your h hides his abusive nature with periods in which he seems to care for you but what you need to realise is that men like him care only for themselves.

He's romancing you now because he thinks he could be at risk of losing you. This is how he keeps you hooked because you believe that he is Mr Nice who only becomes Mr Nasty when he's stressed or worried, whereas the truth is that he is Mr Nasty through and through and he only puts on his Mr Nice act to keep you in thrall to him.

Don't believe a word Mr Nice says. You've seen the face of Mr Nasty when he's venting his anger on you and this face is his real face - the face he'll show you time and time again if you are so foolish as to believe any of his lies and promises.

Don't feel sorry for him - feel sorry for yourself by having been taken in by a nasty man who isn't capable of loving you and who isn't worthy of your love.

AgathaF Fri 22-Feb-13 08:11:14

he is lonely and sad thinking that Ive change towards him - so it's still all about him then?

You really need to stop worrying about him. He is big enough to take care of himself. This is all of his own making, quite simply because he is a nasty, abusive person.

Please - look up, see your new life ahead and embrace it, without worrying about this selfish, revolting man.

ImverySad Fri 22-Feb-13 08:58:22

ripsishere ,thanks for your message,

I do not have any personal insurance that ties with my H, I only have insurance in the company i work for.

As for the bank account I will sort that out in one weeks time before i leave. anyway it is my own bank account which my ATM card that my H is controlling. Ive called the bank and ask them if I can change my PIN and card anytime, they said theres no problem.

As for the place for me to stay, still not confirm yet, but ive been asking my friends and colleagues to help me out.

Honestly speaking, i am fighting my heart and my mind is in a mess right now, my heart says, stop and dont leave while my mind says I have enough!

SquinkiesRule: Thanks for your message and advise.smile

FellatioNels0n: I know he can take care of himself, i just cant shake off the thought of him being alone..

PurplePidjin : You are right, he is the caused of this.smile thats why im in this state right now.

izzyizin thats why he is making it hard for me to leave, by romancing me and telling me how lonely he is.

AgathaF , I really wish i will put those feelings behind me and move on with my life witout feeling bad for my H.

Guys, I cant thank you enough,,thank for your time writing heresmile and responding quickly. May God Bless you all and have a happy weekend.

BanjoPlayingTiger Fri 22-Feb-13 09:08:47

You are bound to feel torn in two right now. You have put your heart and soul into this marriage and it hasn't worked - but that isn't your fault. Your husband hasn't put his heart and soul in to it and so you are left in a state of fear and worry.

You will probably mourn for the life you thought you were getting when you married. I would think this is normal.

You are making very positive steps. Keep reminding yourself that your husband feels lonely because of his actions. If he hadn't treated you so badly you would not need to leave. He has brought the consequences on himself.
If you hit and kicked your husband and denied him any pleasure would you expect him to stay?

Much love and strength to you over the coming weeks.

AgathaF Fri 22-Feb-13 09:19:39

Once you leave you will gain clarity of the real situation. In time you will look back and wonder how you ever put up with being treated in such an appalling way.

You've come a long way since first posting. You still have a way to go, but it's looking so much brighter for you.

Jux Fri 22-Feb-13 11:26:30

I am really impressed by the speed with which you are dealing with the awful situation you find yourself in.

Please don't worry about your h. He will find someone else to kick and steal from very quickly. I'm sorry, but this sort of person always does. He will spend some time trying to persuade you to come back first. He will be the perfect man and romance will flow, he will beg and plead, he will promise everything, he will cajole you in every way he can think of. But he will be exactly the same kicking thief he is now. Remember that. Do not go back to him. Remind yourself regardless of his blandishments and promises of how he has behaved in real life towards you. Read this thread over again if you fell yourself weakening. This is not how you want to live, is it?

Keep strong, my dear. You will find freedom and laughter and beauty at the end.

ImverySad Mon 25-Feb-13 05:29:04

BanjoPlayingTiger, you really got that right, i am feeling exhausted thinking of how did my M end up like this. I've put all my energy, hopes and dreams in it.

thinking that we could be happy together until old age. im trying so hard to tell myself not to feel sad or bad about my H. Coz even though ive made up my mind of moving out, im still stuck in feeling sorry for him and feel extremely lonely for him.

ImverySad Mon 25-Feb-13 05:34:05

gathaF: I really hope so, actually this is not my first time to run away, i did it before but my H ask me to come back, and i did.

the 2nd time i run away, i also came back because i was worried for him. hope this time round i'll have a more clarity in mind and able to see the situation and not feel bad about it.

ImverySad Mon 25-Feb-13 05:38:31

Jux : Thank you for the encouragement, i just dont understand, now that ive decided to move out, my h look so pitiful and lonely, i feel so bad and yes it somehow make me weak again, thinking of whether should i leave or not. is it because i feel guilty thats why im feeling this way? or is it because of fear and not sure if what im doing is right or not?

AgathaF Mon 25-Feb-13 07:41:20

I really hope so, actually this is not my first time to run away, i did it before but my H ask me to come back, and i did - try not to think of it as "running away". You are a capable, adult woman who has made the (correct) decision to leave your abusive husband. You are not running away like a naughty child, you have every right to make that decision and put it into action.

You are not responsible for his happiness, are you? Whether you are there or not, if he wants to be abusive/miserable/whatever, he will be. All on his own and without your presence. Think about it, you being there has not made him happy, has it? So why should you feel that you need to stay with him to stop him from looking pitiful?

Also, you do realise that he is putting on the pity face, don't you? He wants you to feel bad because that way he has more control over you. I bet he didn't look pitiful when he was kicking you though, did he? I bet you looking hurt (when he kicked and verbally abused you) didn't stop him from doing it, did it? No, of course it didn't. Because he doesn't care about you. He just cares about himself. He likes having you around as a punchbag, as a possession. That is all.

So, make your plans. Follow them through. Make a clean break and don't look back. Start a new life on your own.

ImverySad Mon 25-Feb-13 08:20:54

AgathaF, thanks you've written a strong message here that wake me up from my confused state. and youve made it clearer for me to see the real situation. Thanks for your timesmile

Im sorry that i really dont know what else to say for now, i can only read your encouragements and message from here.

I really hope that he will change, as i will still give him a chance if he is willing to change his behaviour for good. afterall, he is still my husband, the person that i wanted to spend my life with. I can still continue to care for him though we wont be living in the same house?

LIZS Mon 25-Feb-13 08:46:16

Please don't fall into the trap of believing he will change if you stick around. By the sounds of it he has had ample opportunity to do so already. Hoping against hope will make you very unhappy, oppress you and give him more control. By playing the injured party he knows he can manipulate you into staying but that is far from an equal relationship. Is he by any chance a fair bit older than you ?

He has had his chance. You left and came back - and your leaving wasn't a wake-up call for him to change his behaviour.

You're worried about him feeling lonely? You're too nice! Time to be nice to yourself though.

AgathaF Mon 25-Feb-13 08:52:24

Well, although I can understand that you hope he will change his behaviour, you have to be realistic about it. You said that you left him before, but went back to him. He didn't change after that. There is absolutely no reason to think that he will change now. All the time you are waiting and hoping and forgiving, what you are actually doing is prolonging. Prolonging your pain (his too really). Like taking a plaster off slowly. Easiest to just rip the plaster off and get the inevitable over with, yes? Same here with your situation. It is easier for you, and for him, if you decisively make the break and stay away.

Don't keep going back, don't keep having contact with him - if you do that then I can almost guarantee that in one years time, you will be right back to where you are now. The only difference will be that you will have caused yourself hurt and anguish, and you will be in a weaker position than ever.

What I really strongly suggest you do, if at all possible, is try to get some kind of therapy or counselling, to help you to raise your self esteem. You really need to learn to love and respect yourself a lot more than you currently do. I think there are free online courses you can do - I just googled and came across this. I don't know how good they are, but they might be worth having a look at.

ImverySad Mon 25-Feb-13 08:59:50

LIZS : Yes he is 10 years older than I am, He do make me feel that i am guilty thuogh, that i was in the wrong, that i should listen to him, right now though i know my plans very well, but his action makes me feel very bad and make me feel i am the bully and the ungrafteful onesad

ImverySad Mon 25-Feb-13 09:03:28

He is older than i am, and i am not born in this countrym that is why he controls evrything, coz he says im still very young and dont know what to do.sad

ImverySad Mon 25-Feb-13 09:08:58

NotGoodNotBad , yes, ive been giving him a chance for 2 years now, i keep hoping and never stop believing in him that he would change, certain times he's too nice and very caring towards me, that is why, when i think of those times makes me feel sad about me leaving him.

He can be very loving and kind to me at times, just that when he gets angry, as in really angry, he can be scary toosad

ImverySad Mon 25-Feb-13 09:17:43

AgathaF: again,thanks so much. yeah probably my mistake that i keep coming back when i left him that time. As for the counselling, ive sent an email to ask for more information and for me to make an appointment.

And thanks for the link, in my situation i know that, i need some help to cure my childhood truama and emotional abuse right now. my H knows my childhood and konws that i am traumatised and emotionally weak. soemtimes he would talk to me and tells me that everything will be alright as he is around and wont abandon me.

Jux Mon 25-Feb-13 09:18:37

He is not going to change, not permanently. He will change his behaviour on a temporary basis in order to gain your sympathy, to pull you back in, and then he'll change back to the vile abusive bully that he is.

You've left him twice, so you've seen him change, and then change back. That will go on forever, if you let it. If you don't want this to be the pattern of your life until the day you die, then leave and never go back, and have nothing more to do with him. Shut him out.

"he says im still very young and dont know what to do"

How patronising. If you are old enough to be married, you are old enough to make your own choices - not allow him to make them for you.

"my H knows my childhood and konws that i am traumatised and emotionally weak"

He doesn't support you in overcoming your childhood - he takes advantage of it.

ImverySad Mon 25-Feb-13 09:27:50

Jux , how i wish i can have that courage and strength like you have, i could have make a decision long time ago and save myself from this pain.

AgathaF Mon 25-Feb-13 09:41:43

how i wish i can have that courage and strength like you have - you can have that courage and strength. It is inside of you this very minute. You have to choose to use it. It is like lots of things, like exercising, the more often you use it, the easier it will become. You can do this.

"how i wish i can have that courage and strength like you have"

Your husband is undermining your courage, telling you that you are young and ignorant and need to listen to him. When you are away from him you will start to build your strength to live your own life, not his.

I had a boyfriend like this once - only 4 years older but he would tell me that I was young and naive, and when I was maturer and wiser like him I would see things differently. hmm He didn't last long! grin

FastidiaBlueberry Mon 25-Feb-13 10:29:22

Imverysad I really hope you follow through and leave this guy.

He's telling you he won't abandon you? It would be better for you if he did.

Lundy Bancroft's "Why does he do that" is really worth reading - you will recognise your husband in its pages and it will stop you feeling responsible for him. You aren't responsible for him. Also, it will help you to ensure that you recognise someone abusive like him in future so you don't get involved with a similar man.

He has broken his marriage vows - he promised to love and cherish you and he hasn't done, he has abused and controlled you. You are morally and legally entitled to divorce him and in fact, if the religious issues still bother you, you can also get your marriage annulled under Canon Law. The church will recognise that it was never a true marriage and if you want to in future, you will be able to get married in the catholic church to a man who won't control and abuse you, but love and cherish you like he promises.

Once you've sorted out the practicalities of actually escaping from this man, you can ask your priest for directions on how to annul your marriage within the catholic church. It's not a very difficult or expensive process and many people get it done now. So that's one more thing you don't need to worry about. Soon you'll be free. smile

CrackerJackShack Mon 25-Feb-13 11:44:02

Hi Imverysad,

In case nobodies said it, you also need to contact the Philippines embassy in Singapore ASAP and inform them of your situation, preferably once you're in a safe place. Tell them you've left your abusive husband, you're on a work visa, and you're living in XYZ and that under NO CIRCUMSTANCES are they to reveal your were abouts to your husband.

Were you married in the Philippines? If so, ask them to recommend a lawyer who specializes in, or at least has experience in, marriage law in the Philippines, as I believe you aren't eligible for divorce, but you might be able to pursue an annulment.

You need to alert your embassy in case, as a Malaysian citizen, he tries to get you arrested, tries to cancel your work visa, tries to find you etc. Or, in the worst case scenario, he comes after you and tries to hurt you.

They can also council you as to your rights as a non-Singaporean on a work visa.

I currently live in the Middle East and I know A LOT of Filipina's here, many in marriages with other nationalities and I can assure you that this is not the first time your embassy will have dealt with something like this.

Good luck with leaving your rat-bastard of a husband, he doesn't deserve you.

Jux Tue 26-Feb-13 08:12:12

As Agatha says, you do have that strength inside you. You have the strength to stand up when he tells you to, even when you know he's going to kick you. Now, you need to channel that strength in another diection, towards freeing yourself.

I know nothing of living in Singapore, so I reiterate CrackerJack's advice to contact your embassy and tell them everything. Enlist their help.

ImverySad Tue 26-Feb-13 08:25:27

FastidiaBlueberry:, Yes I often imagine that my 'how i wish that my h would just abandon me..that way i would not feel guilty and sorry for him like i am nowsad

I am really very scared and frighten right now, i dont know what he will do once he find out that i am leaving him.

We got married here in SG and not in PH so divorce should be fine if ever i want to, just that im so scared right now that my heart feels like its going to explode anytime and i feel that im gonna have a breakdown soonsad Im really shaking when i see my H when i come back form work, his face looks so serious and showing black face, (its to tell me that he is unhappy of something)

NeonGolden Tue 26-Feb-13 08:33:50

I rarely post something on mumsnet and I'm afraid I don't have any advice for you either that hasn't been said before, but I just wanted to tell you that you sound unbelievably strong and just all round amazing. I am 100% sure that you have the courage you need to leave him. He DEFINITELY doesn't deserve you! You seem to be full of life and so positive, I'm not sure if I would be able to maintain such a positive outlook if I were in your situation.

I really hope everything works out for you. Wish I could be more of a help, but I wish you all the best, once you manage to set up your own life I'm sure you won't regret it for a second. Take care xxx

ImverySad Tue 26-Feb-13 08:35:58

CrackerJackShack:, Thanks for your very useful info. I didnt realise this at all, thanks so much everyone for your support, energy and time.

As for my H, i dont really think that he would get me arrested or cancel my work visa, (I know he wont go that far, i believe he still care about me even though he controls evrything,he is kind hearted at times) but who knows what he will do when i leave out of angersad

LIZS Tue 26-Feb-13 08:37:45

You actually sound very scared - he is being emotionally abusive by suggesting this is your fault, by word or action. He knows you are vulnerable and have had a difficult past yet he still persists . Good luck.

ImverySad Tue 26-Feb-13 08:40:23

NeonGolden, Thanks..!
Actually, I am all over the place now, there are times I am determine and strong, but there are times I could be very weak emotionally, and really thanks to people here giving me direction and advise on what to do and how to live my life to the fullest.

AgathaF Tue 26-Feb-13 08:40:49

He doesn't care about you. People don't kick people they care about. Please don't underestimate what he might do. He sees you as a possession, his possession to control as he sees fit. He will be angry when he realises that control has gone and may act differently to how you expect. Protect yourself from the unknown and notify whoever you need to, as recommended by CrackerJackShack. It won't harm you to do so, but may cause you lots of problems if you don't.

ImverySad Tue 26-Feb-13 08:48:27

all along what i believe, is that the key to happiness is to be with someone you love and sacrifice for that person, the person that you want to protect, And I thought i could protect him, love him with all my heart, take care of him and understand him.

And i thought once youve decided to be with that person, theres should no turning back, no buts but you have to live together for better for worse. Now, its gone, my hope and dreams with him is gone, im so scared to carry on with life alone, after beingt married for 3 yrs plus with him. I feel so lonely and empty right now.

If only i could change the situation where he dont have to be so controlling, if only we could carry on living happily as a family. why it has to be like this, i though marriage should be for lifetime.sad

How did it turn out this way...Im so lonely and scared.

ImverySad Tue 26-Feb-13 08:50:39

AgathaF, i will definetely take neccessary action to protect myself, i will follow your advise. smile

AgathaF Tue 26-Feb-13 08:58:27

Now, its gone, my hope and dreams with him is gone - those dreams were never real though. They were fantasy. He is not the kind of material to make a good home with. Which is why you need a clean break and to forget about 'mending' him. He cannot be mended and nor can your relationship.

I am so glad that you don't have children with him though. He would see children as his possessions too. He would want to control, manipulate and abuse. That would be an awful home to bring a child into.

"I am so glad that you don't have children with him though."

Quite agree. Once you leave, if you can stay strong, you will be free. smile

Jux Wed 27-Feb-13 01:39:14

Oh yes, that is one thing you can be seriously thankful for, Imvery. Please make sure it stays that way! Be very careful with contraceptive while you're still with him.

ImverySad Wed 27-Feb-13 02:24:24

Thanks guys...im not really worried of getting pregnant, coz he doesnt want to have kids at the moment and we are not really 'active' right now. He dont even talk to me and and nowadays so cold and show face that he is unhappy.

ImverySad Wed 27-Feb-13 02:27:03

NotGoodNotBad, i really hope so, i am quiet determine to leave now, just that i sometimes weaker and think that maybe leaving is not th right way of solving this etc, that is why a big thank you to all of you posting here and give some advise and encouragement, that really keep me strong by reading all your useful comments.

ImverySad Wed 27-Feb-13 02:32:14

Oh yeah,i did ask him and talk to him nicely before, (about the kicking part) and he said, he needs to kick me to descipline me because im young, and only by kicking me i will remember and wont repeat my mistakes or by making him angry of the things i do.

And that, by kicking i will learn fast, he also did told me that, it pains him kicking me, but he has no choice except that so that i would learn fast. (I really dont understand) I thought desciplining is only for parents to their kids? I didnt know its also applies for marriage/relationships?

ImverySad Wed 27-Feb-13 02:47:34

How do i get over him without being so lonely..? I know you guys have told me what to do to get out grom here, but forgetting and getting over with my H is not easy, and the thought of me separating him is freaking me out, i still love him very muchsad how do i deal with this situation guys after making decision of leaving?

This marriage is my 'longest time in relationship', i didnt have many partners before i got married, so this one is consider my first painful and difficult separation. Does anyone out there in similar situation,..? please tell me how to overcome this, (as my heart keep telling me to protect my H and still love him)

am i going crazy..?or am i just guilty?

nailak Wed 27-Feb-13 02:57:11

You will go through grieving for your relationship, it will be hard, you will miss your husband.

Then you will realise that you are better then that. This man chose you, he knew you had no support, you have lost contact with all your friends. You will learn how to be independant and confident, and have esteem.

Once you are out you will be able to realise it is not normal. You already realise you cannot live like this, bring a child in to this.

You say you are religious, pray to God to guide you and give you strength.

ImverySad Wed 27-Feb-13 03:43:16

Thanks ailak, for your encouragements, you are right though, even i have not move out yet, im already in state of missing my H, and the thougt of us living in separate ways makes me sad, it feels like my heart is being dug out. its so.. freaking pianfulsad

ImverySad Wed 27-Feb-13 03:49:14

Yes i am praying, I am praying for my H to be fine, im praying that he wont be so lonely and sad without me, and that he will be able to take care of himself and carry on living.

I pray that he will be strong, I pray all the possible good things for him..
and i know he will be dissapointed in me for giving up.sad and i can expect hatred from him toosad

I just hope if ever he finds another partner, i hope he will cherish that person and wont abuse them, and i hope that the person can love him and take care of him. I wish him happiness and comfort. I wish him to be strong.

ripsishere Wed 27-Feb-13 03:52:03

IMO, you'd be better off praying for yourself. Then pray that if your DH does find another woman, she kicks him back.

ImverySad Wed 27-Feb-13 04:44:14

ripsishere , haha you've a point theresmile

ripsishere Wed 27-Feb-13 04:51:27

Of course I do. i imagine, coming from PH you are RC? IMO and experience, it makes you feel guilty about everything. My DH was brought up RC and continues to attend church.
Some of the things he's told me he was made to feel guilty about astonish me.
Wishing you continued strength.

AgathaF Wed 27-Feb-13 07:30:00

Your H got along and lived his life before he met you - he will continue to function and get on with his life once you have left.

Please, stop worrying about him. He is not worth it. He is cruel and not deserving of your time or affection.

moogy1a Wed 27-Feb-13 08:35:08

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

AgathaF Wed 27-Feb-13 08:46:12

moogy1a - I think it would have been more appropriate to report the thread then, rather than risk cutting off support for someone.

"he needs to kick me to descipline me because im young, and only by kicking me i will remember and wont repeat my mistakes or by making him angry of the things i do"

Fuck that! (This from someone who almost never swears.)

"How do i get over him without being so lonely."

See the above!

ImverySad Wed 27-Feb-13 09:02:05

moogy1a , if you think what is written here is made up, then you should not be posting here, (you should just walk away and ig nore this and wont follow it like you said (sorry no offence dont mean to be rude), but im posting here to get some support and advise from people experiencing the same, and i am trying to figure out what is the best and right thing to do.

Further more, what ive written here is the absolute truth, im not forcing anyone to comment here nor begging them to side me, but anyways you are open to make any comment, you have the right.

AgathaF Wed 27-Feb-13 09:03:21

And that, by kicking i will learn fast, he also did told me that, it pains him kicking me, but he has no choice except that so that i would learn fast. (I really dont understand) I thought desciplining is only for parents to their kids? I didnt know its also applies for marriage/relationships? No-one has the right to kick another person (or animal), for any reason apart from self-defense. Your spouse should be your partner/equal, not disciplinarian. It makes me wonder how he would treat a child - kick them, hit them? What a vile person.

ImverySad Wed 27-Feb-13 09:07:45

to all people who have been commenting here so far, i would like to apologise for taking up so much of your time, and for making you read my long comments and thanks too for your time and support. I apologise if i have offended anyone of you here..

ImverySad Wed 27-Feb-13 09:11:38

thanks AgathaF, for believing me and supporting me so far, its been a great helpsmile Thanks for your time, and I apologize

I'm very happy to give you my time, I hope we are helping you.

imverysad, you're doing so well.

when he says things like how much he loves you etc. just remember that his actions are very different. someone who loves you would not ask you to stand up so they can kick you. love means respect, honour, wanting the best for that person.

of course he is being as manipulative as he can be. he stands to lose his servant, kicking post and money maker. he's stealing YOUR money and depriving you of things that YOU'VE worked for.

you're right to leave. but i think you shouldn't change your behaviour. i'm worried that he'll sense something is up and become more violent.

please take care. keep your head down and just LEAVE.

NO NOTE.

AgathaF Wed 27-Feb-13 10:44:16

I agree with Claude - when you leave, no note, no phone calls/texts. Just go. Make yourself have no contact with him, just seek legal advice and protect yourself the best way possible financially.

You have no need to apologise to those of us supporting you. I reply because I want to.

AgathaF Wed 27-Feb-13 10:47:08

Remember that when you leave, if you do have any contact with him he will turn on the charm and manipulate you, or maybe scare you, into returning. Whatever he does will be false. The real him is the abusive, violent man you have already experienced.

That is why you must not contact him or let him contact you by giving him any address for you. Also, try to get to and from work with someone else, because if waiting for you at work is the only means he has to locate you, then that is what he will do.

Jux Wed 27-Feb-13 11:18:59

Try to behave towards him as you always have, u til you go. Violent men can become more violent when they realise their punchbag is awakening to the reality of the abuse. Then just go. No note, nothing.

Have you tried to talk to the Embassy? You will not lose anything by doing so, but may get a great deal of help, so there is no risk. Embassies are there for their compatriots, that is you right now.

Don't worry about us here. We are all old enough to know what we are doing and to make our own choices about which threads we post on, who we support.

I was brought up RC too. The guilt about everything that I have carried all my life! I have learnt to ignore for the most part, but I've had a lot of practise wink There's a difficulty in separating what you are responsible for and what you're not. This man is lying to you when he says that he kicks you/punishes you because you have to learn. Even Catholic priests know that learning is better achieved by love and care than punishment, these days. I grew up with Jesuits and they followed that principle even way back then!

elsabel Wed 27-Feb-13 20:41:53

You poor love. I cant offer any better advice than what the others have given you, but they are right. I hope you get out of this awful relationship and have the life you deserve. Xx

ImverySad Thu 28-Feb-13 01:22:29

NotGoodNotBad , you are definetely helping mesmile your advise and encouragement has been a great help from the time ive posted here until now, it helps me clear my head and it help me gain a little bit of my confidence back..

Thank You so much for your time, i would be still stuck in a confused state and feeling miserable and sad if you have not giving me any advise..so its really a great help from all of you.

ripsishere Thu 28-Feb-13 01:27:18

Ignore the disbelievers (I assume that's what the deleted post was) and concentrate on making concrete plans.
I'm not sure when you get paid (DH was this morning grin) but do make sure you've got your bank account in place, your passport and any other personal papers you need. If your residency is dependent on him, mine is, get that sorted out too.
I have to say, that if my DH kicked me for any reason, he'd get a swift one back in the nuts and see the front door close on me and our DD.

ImverySad Thu 28-Feb-13 01:35:27

Thanks! claudedebussy , I will keep that in mind, most of the time i didnt think that my h is being manipulative because he is doing so well in making me believe that it is right for him to kick me because ive made him angry and i made a mistake.

ImverySad Thu 28-Feb-13 01:41:12

Thanks AgathaF, yeah definetely not gonna let him know where ill be going and staying, though i believe that he wont go that far to make it difficult for me but like you said, its no harm taking precaution to protect myself, this is the least i could do for myself after years of living in fear(even though i was happy sometimes but i have to watch all my moves or the things that i am going to say and make sure they wont upset or make him angrysad )

ImverySad Thu 28-Feb-13 01:45:57

ripsishere , once again thanks,,youve help me 'lift my spirit'smile

(I have to say, that if my DH kicked me for any reason, he'd get a swift one back in the nuts and see the front door close on me and our DD.)

Even though i dont know you that well, but I really admire you...you sound very tough, brave and determine at the same time nice personsmile i dont think you H would dare to kick yousmile

ImverySad Thu 28-Feb-13 01:58:17

Jux, (Even Catholic priests know that learning is better achieved by love and care than punishment, these days. I grew up with Jesuits and they followed that principle even way back then!)

I do believe it too, but my H injected a poison in my head to make me believe 'kIcking' is normal, when you make a mistakes.

(Try to behave towards him as you always have, u til you go. Violent men can become more violent when they realise their punchbag is awakening to the reality of the abuse. Then just go.)

Thanks for the reminder, i am trying so hard not to make it so obvious, i dont want him to sense any changes from me, but unfortunately i could not stop mysef from ignoring him, because he ignores me too and show his 'black face' that means he is angry at me. Anyway 1 week to go...

ImverySad Thu 28-Feb-13 02:03:03

Thanks elsabel , for the well wishessmile your comment counts too and it helpssmile
Dont worry about not being able to help, infact you didsmile
the more people wish me well and comment here the more i feel comfortable with my decision of moving on. as i know that you are there supporting me and making me realise that i am in the right path. all thanks to you...

ImverySad Thu 28-Feb-13 02:05:06

thanks rips, yes! my important documents are with me now, there should not be any problem taking them with mesmile thanks for the reminder..

ripsishere Thu 28-Feb-13 03:09:09

Also, clear the history of the computer you are posting from.
I am not sure that I'm brave or anything else. I've been married to a man for almost 26 years. He wouldn't dream of kicking me, nor I him. Respect is the basis of our marriage. I do rip the piss out of him, and him me. It is just in fun though.

ImverySad Thu 28-Feb-13 07:23:56

Thanks rips for sharingsmile i envy you for having such a wonderful partner who respect and honour you: if i would tell that to my H to respect me, he would say, he wouldnt have married me if he doesnt respect me...

you know i had a fright when i read some of the post here yesterday (about this thread is not real and its made up) I thougth it was my H found this site and trying to catch me or trying to justify himself shock it scared the heck out of me..thank goodness...(thats how scared i am of him)sad

As for "kicking" or other physical measures to discipline, what if you had kids? Kids need discipline. Would you kick them? Or knock them around, to help them learn? I rather doubt it! Would your husband though?

And of course, wives do not need discipline of any kind!

AgathaF Thu 28-Feb-13 09:30:01

Do you have a date in mind for going now? And somewhere to go to?

mrfrancis82 Thu 28-Feb-13 09:46:06

As a bloke myself it is sad to hear a woman who seems so nice and sweet like you is being treated the way you are. I guess people who are abusive and controlling probably pick up on a person's kindness before they even get together. As you're not in UK, I don't really know what the legislation is like in your country regarding marriage (I Know if you're in a Muslim country, you're not allowed to divorce your husband).
Lots of women here that I know seem to stay in abusive relationships and obviously I'm not in the position to feel what they're going through - but my advice to you is get out and don't tell him where you are. You deserve someone who is nice to you all the time. Someone being angry is not an excuse to be verbally or physically abusive to you.

BanjoPlayingTiger Thu 28-Feb-13 10:28:13

I'm very sad, I have been wondering how you were. I have been praying that you will have the courage to leave this dreadful situation.

I know that you have said that you believe that once you marry it is for better or for worse, but the bible also says that a man should love his wife like Christ loves the church - in other words be willing to die for them. Is the way your husband treats you the same as the way Christ treated the church? I'm going to say that it isn't.

You sound so lovely and like you have such a big heart. That shows how strong you are to me. You have been through so very much and are still capable of love. You are not a child and you do not deserve to be treated as one.

Do you have somewhere to go? Please delete your Internet history if you are worried about what your husband would do if he found it. Please have a small bag packed so that if needs be you can get out at a moments notice. I know you think your husband wouldn't go any further than he already has, but sometimes we discover that we didn't know a person as well as we thought we did.

I just want to be able to give you a hug and get you out of there, but while i am so far away I will keep posting on here and I will continue to pray for you and your ongoing safety.

ripsishere Fri 01-Mar-13 00:20:09

The offer still stands if you fancy a bit of Malaysia for a couple of weeks.
I don't think I've got a remarkable marriage. In my opinion, it's humdrum and dull in many ways.
I am happy you don't have children though.

ImverySad Fri 01-Mar-13 05:30:25

AgathaF,thanks for asking.. yes, i already have somewhere to go, will be renting a room for now..ill be moving in middle of nextweek.

ImverySad Fri 01-Mar-13 05:36:51

thanks mrfrancis82, its so nice of your to comment heresmile it will be over soon...

Luckily i am not married to a muslim man, otherwise it will be difficult to do anything to get out..

ImverySad Fri 01-Mar-13 06:16:06

BanjoPlayingTiger, thank you..your messages is such heart warming..thanks for your support and prayersmile

Yes I do believe, that once you married the person (especially in the church) you should not separate and or divorce at any cost.

But right now, i have no energy left to keep on fighting for my marriage to work, im very tired and exhausted believing and hoping that my H would change
and do his part to make our marriage last.

I feel that i am the only one working so hard to make it work for us.(He always tell me that i dont understand him at all,(while here i am tolerating and enduring his verbal and somtimes physical abuse, even if i didnt start the arguments/fight, i would still apologise to him, even though i didnt know what i did wrong.) I feel like telling him, 'how much do you understand me? (but i couldnt tell him that..

Even little things we fight and most of the time 'I agree to disagree with him' coz i feel that there are a lot of things we dont agree..but i feel that we've come this far bacause of my endurance and tolerance with his behaviour and treatment towards me when he is angry.

Sometimes I would tell him that Life is very short to waste it and get angry over a small things,(im not sure if he understand it though) im not even sure if my thoughts are important to him..

Anyway, thanks again Banjo, your comment is more than enough for me, thanks again for your support. and oh sorry for the long message...

ImverySad Fri 01-Mar-13 06:20:23

rips, 'The offer still stands if you fancy a bit of Malaysia for a couple of weeks.'

I wish I can, i'd love to go away to clear my head...but I cannot at the moment as there are a lot of things going on in my workplace, I need to be heresad

But thanks rips, youve been very kind to me..thanks for your continues support.
I really appreciate your time.smile

ImverySad Fri 01-Mar-13 06:21:58

That is 1 thing i am thankful for, I dont have any kids..otherwise it will be a triple pain and heartache for me..

HappySunflower Tue 05-Mar-13 22:59:50

Hello Imverysad, I have been keeping an eye on your thread and am so sorry for the situation that you find yourself in.
I was just wondering how you are?
I hope that your plans to move are going positively.

ImverySad Wed 06-Mar-13 06:07:55

Hi HappySunflower, Thanks for asking, for your concern and reading my thread...I am not really sure if i am ok or not.

I've already moved out, today is my 2nd day since i left home (Infact My H was very angry at me about something the other day, and yesterday He chased me out of the house and told me to F***k Off and dissappear from his life)

Right now, I am having a 'mixture feeling' I am heart broken for what he said to me that day(told me to get out and never come back) and at the same time i feel a little bit calm and not anxious about something, or should I say, i dont feel pressurized and scared.

Though I am lonely and sad of what has happend
to my M, i think this is the best for both of us.

And I would like to thank everyone out here for supporting me and guiding me through. For your time and patience reading my thread and responding to my questions. Thanks guys for your help...

ImverySad, I'm so glad to hear your update.

Although it was a horrible way to end things, maybe it is better in the long run - I hope you can now stop feeling sorry for him and responsible for him, and focus on yourself.

Onwards and upwards. smile

LIZS Wed 06-Mar-13 08:21:35

You have shown a lot of courage and it sounds as if he didn't want to be "left" so controlled your leaving . No bad thing as it demonstrates where his priorities lie. Wishing you the best as you move on.

Katisha Wed 06-Mar-13 08:29:04

Hello - just read all this. Well done on getting out.
I would just say be prepared now for him to start begging you to come back, showing remorse, saying he'll change, buying presents etc.
You need to remember his true nature - he will want you back because currently he has no-one to control, no-one whose money to steal and no-one to kick, literally or metaphorically.

Katisha Wed 06-Mar-13 08:29:54

He might also suddenly start having "crises" that only you can fix, threaten suicide, or some other crisis. Do not be fooled.

Jux Wed 06-Mar-13 09:00:42

Well done, Iam, well done! I am so relieved you are now safe and away from him, but be careful about what Katisha said.

At the time he thought he won by chucking you out, but never forget - YOU are the real winner here.

You now have the opportunity to make a wonderful life for yourself. Keep him out of it.

Good points above.

I don't think I've mentioned this as it wasn't really the same situation (casual boyfriend and we didn't live together), but I once had a boyfriend who was violent. He was violent once and that was it, I left and didn't look back.

But, afterwards he went round telling people he'd left me. hmm Not that I cared... Then he wrote me letters telling me he hated me. Whatever. These were interspersed with letters begging me to come back. confused

Thankfully I'd learnt by then that any communication - even saying "sod off, you bastard" - just prolonged discussion, and there was really nothing to discuss.

AgathaF Wed 06-Mar-13 09:26:20

So pleased you're out.

Remember, any contact with him will just prolong the hurt, so don't respond to any contact he makes to you.

ImverySad Thu 07-Mar-13 02:44:59

NotGoodNotBad, thanks, yes! right now my focus is on my Parents, work and how to improve myself and gain my confidence back. Though its very painful to go through this (separating with him) but i gotta put a stop worrying for him...and start to rebuild and get my life back which I've lost for years..

I would say, it feels good to be free..especially when nobody nags at you and controls you, tells you what you should do and what not...

ImverySad Thu 07-Mar-13 02:48:52

Thanks LIZSsmile what ever his reason of chasing me out and got angry with me over small things, that doesnt really matter anymore, now even though im still in shocked, but i feel better and not worried on 'what he would do to me or say hurtful things' I feel relief now..

ImverySad Thu 07-Mar-13 02:53:44

Hi Katisha, Thanks! Yes! you are right, you really have a point there, he may ask me to go back and start afresh with him(that's what happend the last time, when i left, he asked me to come back)

But, this this time, if he will ask me to go back and start to apologize,..I will not buy it anymore..as I am really exhausted enough to go thruogh that truoble again. Though I still care abuot him and love him, but i will not use that reason to go back...I've made up my mind. Its better to be alone and take care of my parents instead.

ImverySad Thu 07-Mar-13 02:56:28

Thanks Jux , i'll bear that in mind, Yes! i agree with you..I am the winner here and should be proud of myself that i had the courage to get out safely..

ImverySad Thu 07-Mar-13 02:59:05

Katisha, (He might also suddenly start having "crises" that only you can fix, threaten suicide, or some other crisis)...

I doubt he will say this things to treaten me..but if does,,i am prepared to back to my homeland and live with my Parents then.

But I hope he will not do that kind of things just to get me to go back to him..

ImverySad Thu 07-Mar-13 03:03:31

AgathaF, thanks for the reminder.. you can be sure that i will not get in touch with him... i need a break and im tired going through the same cicle over and over again.

maras2 Thu 07-Mar-13 03:16:25

Sweetie,I'm so glad that you have left.I've had a very bad feeling that if you had stayed he might have killed you.God bless and look after you.Keep strong an never underestimate the power of Mumsnet. Mx.

izzyizin Thu 07-Mar-13 06:08:49

O honey, EMBRACE YOUR FREEDOM WITH ALL OF YOUR BEING as it is the most satisfying, rewarding and fulfilling state that you have been in for a long and lonely time.

Allow it to empower you and make you impervious to any demands your h and other abusive males may try to impose on you either now or in the future.

Light a candle or make whatever devotion you feel is appropriate to the goddess of mumsnet and of women everywhere and thank her for your liberation.

And let your courage and resolve to live your life on your terms be an inspiration to others. You truly deserve a florist shop's worth of thanks and I salute you wine

Jux Thu 07-Mar-13 22:31:30

Would you promise yourself that, if he does get in touch, you will re-read this thread remembering how you were feeling when you wrote each post? And could you promise yourself that if you feel that you should or want to go back to him, that you will start another thread, or continue this one? (You don't need to answer, by the way.)

Just as a reality check.

ImverySad Fri 08-Mar-13 01:32:12

thanks so much izzyizin, that was nice and heart warmingsmile

Yes, I am finally free, thanks to people here in mumsnet..they are really amazing, i mean all of you here, it has been a great help..and I still cant believe that I am already out..i mean is this for real?

I am really grateful to all of you here, for your time and energy reading my thread, giving me strength..thank you once again! for believing in me and for making me realise that the life i had was not good..God Bless you guys..

I am getting strong because of your support, i would say you all comforted me when i needed someone to listen and understand what i was going through.

Ha ha ha ha ha! He chased you out of the house to hurt you and make you feel small, fully expecting that you would come crawling home begging him to let you in. But instead you have called his bluff, you have done what he "asked" and left, and you are so much happier and better off without him.

I'll bet he is very confused as to how his plan could have gone so wrong.

Ahhhhh, it serves him right!

Well done ImverySad!!!!

ripsishere Fri 08-Mar-13 01:42:15

Well done Imso, great news.

izzyizin Fri 08-Mar-13 05:46:21

YES IT IS!!! It truly is FOR REAL!!! You ARE free to be yourself and no longer have to live in fear of your h and the emotional, verbal, financial, and physical abuse he used to make you subservient to, and dependent, on him.

He will come begging, honey. Tears will run down his face as he pleads with you to please please please just give him another chance. He'll sob as he tells you he loves you so much and he's so very sorry for hurting you.

He'll say he doesn't understand how he could have treated you with such disdain and cruelty, and he'll give every impression of being truly grief-stricken as he says that the only reason he can think of is you mean so much to him, and he loves you so desperately with every fibre of his being, that he was scared another man would steal you away from him or that you'd leave him of your own accord.

He'll look you in the eye as he swears on his, your, his dps, and a motley assortment of other lives and swears by all of the gods that he's learned a bitter lesson and he'll never, never, hurt you again - may the great god strike him dead if he should ever raise a hand to you.

If you don't capitulate and pack your bags and immediately go home with him, he'll continue in the same vain on maybe another couple of occasions before reverting to type as his threatens you with every kind of dire consequence if you dare to think you can get away from him and do what you want.

Whether he's uttering pleas or threats, take NO notice of anything he says and continue to relish your newly recovered ability to live your life the way you ^you want it - and have a good one in which you make the most of every blessed day, honey.

BanjoPlayingTiger Sat 09-Mar-13 23:29:04

Hi imverysad

You are free to dance now. grin you can watch the Korean programmes! You don't have to be scared about being kicked. You are free!!

Much love to you. I am still praying for you often. xx

ImverySad Mon 11-Mar-13 06:44:52

Thank You BanjoPlayingTiger..,for your prayers..

Yes I can dance freely now (its my way of distressing and excersing) and watch the television without worrying if my h can see what im watching..smile

I would say, though its a little lonely being alone, and miss him..(not that i want to go back with him), but I can laugh loud now feel so free and not afraid of anything now.

And eventhough i dont know whats gonna happend to me in future, but i will live my life day by day and try to enjoy life and enjoy my freedom which ive lost for so many years...

Thanks everyone...

I'm sure your future will be happy. smile I think you just need a little time to find out who you are, and to learn to love yourself.

How are you ImverySad?

Spiritedwolf Mon 18-Mar-13 22:47:18

I hope you're dancing smile

ImverySad Tue 19-Mar-13 08:44:24

Hello..NotGoodNotBad, Thank you for asking..smile its so nice of you..

I am doing fine, trying my best to move on, doing things to occupy myself. Been very busy at work.

BUT, strangely, I will admit that, sometimes i wonder what is my ex.h. thinking or doing right now that i am no longer with him.(Not that i want him to contact me) im just quiet anxious of how are things going with him, or could he be planning something that will scare me..? (I hope not)

But of course, i will not gonna let that thoughts ruin everything. I feel relief now and i can finally breath.., without being anxious and scared like i was when i was still with him)

I can talk to my friends and made new friends now, i can laugh without worrying. I can do my hobbies..

When i started going out with my colleagues and friends, i realised i've missed out a lot of things, and now im back being me and not trying so hard to be someonelse, i can be myself againsmile im grateful..

I just want you to know guys...all of you here..that i am very grateful for your time and advise.

Things work out for me because of your help..and this is something i can never forget.

ImverySad Tue 19-Mar-13 08:46:35

Spiritedwolf, yes! I am dancing again...smile ive joined dance class with my friends.

Thank you for your time asking me...

All the best to you. smile

ImverySad Wed 03-Apr-13 03:35:50

Hi Everyone..
I hope you guys doing well..
Im sorry that I am here again seeking for your advise..and sorry that I didnt cathup with you for couple of weeks, as I was very busy..sorry guys.

Anyway, Its been a month now since i left my h..somebody said before that My h may contact me after i left him.. And guess what?..He called my office number last week, i didnt know it was him coz he use a differrent#. But because i knew that it could be him so i picked up the phone but i didnt say anything, i just listened and he did said 'hello' i instantly recognise it was him. and I hang up..

1 week later (monday) he called me again (I saw there was a miscall on my office phone) but this time he used home# so i know its him..

I am frightened right now, im scared,,even though (the first time i heard his voice on the phone), he sounded calm and sound like he realise he was wrong..

I definetely dun want to go back to him, i am happy now that i am alone, i dun worry about anything until he called me.

Guys..what should i do..?Please help me..

I dont want to live with him and get verbally abuse and control by him again..I realise that he doesnt really care about me, he is just saying he love me because he think he does but actually he is being possessive and controls everthing i do.sad

I was thinking, how do i tell him that i dont want to be with him anymore,,i dont want us to argue i just want to have a clean break with him. how do i do that, i know if i bring this up, he will shout and scream and can even get violent..

Im so scared..please can someboday hold my hand and hug me and tell me everything will be fine..

MaBumble Wed 03-Apr-13 03:50:25

Hi, de lurking as I didn't want you to think you are on your own.

You don't have to tell him anything, you owe him nothing. Get to a soliciter and get them to write to him if necessary. Ask if you can change your work number. Ask someone you trust at work to answer the phone next time he calls and say you don't work there anymore.

Stay strong. Don't let him stop you dancing. ((Hugs))

ImverySad Wed 03-Apr-13 04:02:07

MaBumble , thank you so much...yes i am thinking of asking my colleague to answer my phone if he calls..but not sure if it works, but i will try..thank you for bringing that up.

I will be strong, for the sake of my grandparents back home, they are the only family i have left..i will do anything for them..

joolsangel Wed 03-Apr-13 10:14:52

you can see from all the messages that you mustnt accept this from this man any longer. as someone once said to me 'no one can can control you. it is you allowing that person to control you. you have the strength to stop this control freak. you must open another bank account and make sure that you set it up that you dont get postal statements - only do internet banking and cover your internet history by taking the advice from one of the other messages already posted to you. your husband is a very weak man, although you probably dont realise. he does not treat his friends and colleagues in this way, because he wouldnt get away with it. use his weakness against him and use this weakness to give you strength to set up your finances. i would bank my own money, take full control, save enough money for a deposit and rent and find another place to live. if i had to, i would move out with the bare essentials when he was at work. you dont owe this man anything. keep an eye on these threads to give you the strength you need and every day take baby steps towards a happier future. imagine yourself in a year from now with a new life and keep watching for the light at the end of the tunnel - there is one. be strong. be positive and dont let him convince you that hes actually quite nice just because he can be sweet sometimes. best of luck.

Mumsyblouse Wed 03-Apr-13 18:04:47

I just want to encourage you to stay strong. You are absolutely right, this man will not change at all, and him saying he loves you or will change is just to lure you back. Luckily for you you have realised you don't have to be kicked, called names and have all your money taken away by this man, he probably is upset now because he doesn't have anyone to take out his frustrations on and control to make him feel better.

You are free and need to stay free, to look after your family and yourself. Do you have access to your own salary now? You can go to a solicitor for a free half an hour to get some advice on what to do next in terms of making this legally binding (if that's what you want to do). You can have them write a letter telling him what you want him to know.

But you are the one in charge now, not him and don't hesitate to seek help, from your family, work colleagues or Women's Aid if you feel something bad is happening.

HappySunflower Sun 14-Apr-13 21:10:01

Hello Imverysad-I was thinking about you today.
How are you?

Jux Mon 15-Apr-13 09:22:03

Hello, my dear.

You don't owe him an explanation. He knows perfectly well why you left, but he may pretend that he doesn't in order to see you again and to then make you feel guilty, he will promise you anything you want in order to get you back under his control.

Or he will pretend that he can't bear to be without you, make all the promises, and pretend that he's changed to get you back under his control.

DO NOT MEET HIM. DO NOT TALK TO HIM. Hang up if he phones as you already have done.

Have you seen a solicitor? Get the ball rolling towards divorce.

Whatever else you do, don't believe a word he says.

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