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Husband ignores me and two of the children

(75 Posts)
Infestedwithcats Wed 13-Feb-13 19:59:21

For several weeks now he has not spoken to me or eldest son, 19, or daughter, 15. (He stopped speaking to me because I mimicked one of the incessant grunting noises he makes, I have a condition called misophonia. He does occasionally speak to middlest lad. He does not speak to his mother or any of his 4 siblings. I used to cry and beg him to explain what I had done wrong, but now it's extended to the children. He used to be abusive and oh I don't know why I am writing this, unless I just want an adult to speak to me. I've had CBT and Prozac and I am probably a very annoying fuckwits. Someone tell me a joke at least ! I can believe I am deserving of the silence, but he surely shouldn't totally blank his children?

willybreeder Wed 13-Feb-13 20:01:44

Soooo, what are his good points?

pepperrabbit Wed 13-Feb-13 20:03:06

What do you tell the kids about his behaviour?

deleted203 Wed 13-Feb-13 20:07:16

I'm wondering why on earth you are still with this prat. He occasionally speaks to your middle lad. Father of the Year, then. I'd be worried about the damage he was doing to his 15 yo daughter, to be honest, with this behaviour. It's weird and abusive. And no one is deserving of silence. I'd tell him to fuck off.

TheFallenNinja Wed 13-Feb-13 20:08:16

Used to be abusive?

mummytime Wed 13-Feb-13 20:09:53

Why is he still there? Go and see a solicitor. Phone Women's aid, this is abuse.

ihearsounds Wed 13-Feb-13 20:14:46

You do know you don't have to stay with the fuckwit?
Just because he is dad, doesn't mean you have to remain forever with him.

thepixiefrog Wed 13-Feb-13 20:39:16

Why do you think you deserve the silent treatment? Nobody ever deserves to be ignored!

When your DC get married, if one of them was being treated like this, would you ever think they deserved it?

He still IS abusive, he's just changed his tactics. Your DC will either learn that they are unworthy of respect by being treated like this and fall into abusive relationships repeatedly as adults, OR they will learn to treat their loved ones the way your DH does.

Get them away from him.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Wed 13-Feb-13 20:46:18

Yes, he still is abusive.

He is the joke.

AnyFucker Wed 13-Feb-13 20:47:16

he used to be abusive ?

you have your tenses muddled up

Ahhhcrap Wed 13-Feb-13 20:49:33

Even if you are an annoying fuckwit (which I doubt) that doesn't deserve what he's doing to you!

You do know that by ignoring you and your dc's like this, it's still abuse..

defineme Wed 13-Feb-13 20:52:05

Your lives would be infinitely better if you didn't live with him.
Can you imagine the blissful lack of tension?
Can you imagine your dc relaxed and unworried about him?

If you tell us the practical reasons that are preventing you from leaving then we can advise you on those.

ThatVikRinA22 Wed 13-Feb-13 20:52:39

he sounds very very odd - so he is systematically giving everyone the cold shoulder but you are expected to live with it and so are the children?

i would be consulting a solicitor - im pretty sure this must constitute unreasonable behaviour - would he talk to you if you handed him a divorce petition?

i would.
and if he doesnt talk then its probably a blessing. i wouldnt live like that - it must be so soul destroying and its just not normal for your children to live with a parent who is abusive and gives them the silent treatment with no explanation!

thepixiefrog Wed 13-Feb-13 21:03:30

My SD did this to us when he was sulking with my DM, up to 4 months of silence! He used to see us as extensions of her rather than individuals with separate thoughts and feelings, all very odd.

When confronted about it when the silence was finally broken he claimed to be 'just keeping out of the way'!

Is your DH their DF?

Infestedwithcats Wed 13-Feb-13 21:08:11

I know, it is bloody stupid, and damaging, but I am so nervous. You all make good points, but I am not financially independent, I wonder if I would get help with rent if I moved out? Sorry, that sounds so mercenary

Naoko Wed 13-Feb-13 21:10:09

You are not deserving of the silence. No one deserves to be treated like that. And he's still abusive. I'm sorry, OP sad

Leave this bastard. You deserve better and so do your DC.

AnyFucker Wed 13-Feb-13 21:10:39

it is not mercenary at all

you are living with an abuser !

have you taken professional advice from Citizen's Advice Bureau, rung Women's Aid, consulted a solicitor ?

knowledge is power, love

take some power back

no one, in this day and age, should feel forced to stay in a relationship that is damaging them, and damaging their dc's

ImNotDrunkIJustCantType Wed 13-Feb-13 21:11:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thepixiefrog Wed 13-Feb-13 21:12:12

Not mercenary at all, no need to apologise. I bet you spend your whole life saying 'sorry' for every little thing, treading on eggshells.

Once he is out of your life it will amaze you just how good it feels to not have to do that anymore.

Infestedwithcats Wed 13-Feb-13 21:16:39

Dear defineme, you are so tuned in to how I feel; it is really only the practical, financial considerations that are preventing me doing what I know needs to be done, and dear pixiefrog, I had 4 months of silence once, did they resolve their problems? Thank you all, kind people x

thepixiefrog Wed 13-Feb-13 21:24:35

My DM left last year after 20 years of marriage. He never changed, and she is full of bitterness and hatred because she feels he 'owes' her for 20 years of abuse.she is very happy living alone, incredibly so, but she doesn't seem to get that she could have left at any time during those 20 years, and that she was responsible for protecting us and herself.

She is a very passive person, and will not do anything pro actively. She won't even ask for a favour, she will manipulate the situation so that people will offer to do things for her instead. She thinks he should have been manipulated into behaving properly!

Your dh will never see the light whilst you remain there.

Jux Wed 13-Feb-13 23:36:05

Please see a solicitor about getting him out of the family home. There is no reason why you should leave, you have children, to whom you speak! You wouldn't leave them behind with him, would you?

No, get a solicitor to advise you. You'll all be far better off without the absive twunt.

drizzlecake Thu 14-Feb-13 07:32:33

Yes, see a solicitor. Find out exactly where you will stand if you split up. Where you will live, how much maintenance you will be entitled to. What benefits you are entitled to.

Then tell him you want to separate from a confident position. You can't live with a zombie!

Infestedwithcats Thu 14-Feb-13 07:36:39

But my behaviour is bad, because I have spent too much money on food shopping and there is a big overdraft, he started shouting at me last night because of this. Guilty. But he did spend the night in a hotel with an ex-girlfriend about 2 years ago and wouldn't move out of the house when I asked him to, so I reckon I am over-compensating and buying the children whatever food they want...(they are all healthy weights and excercise regularly!) My stomach is churning and I feel sick. I need to woman-up, don't I ?

drizzlecake Thu 14-Feb-13 07:58:30

You are sunk in the mire of self-blame at the moment (you copied his grunting noises and spent too much on food - really not marriage breaking events).

If you saw a solicitor and planned a new future you might drop all this beating yourself up about the past and start to move on from where you are.

thepixiefrog Thu 14-Feb-13 08:05:33

'But my behaviour is bad, because I spent too much money on food shopping...'

You sound like a little girl who has been told off for being naughty :-(

You are a woman not a child. He has convinced you that you are 'bad'and deserving of this terrible treatment.

Buying food for your DC's is hardly a crime. If you said 'I have spent too much money on online gambling' he may have reason to be annoyed, but even that behaviour wouldn't merit 4 months of silent treatment.

You are a good person, you are just afraid as he has ground you down. Believe me, you can only feel better with him out of your life.

Call Women's Aid for advice, baby steps.x

Infestedwithcats Thu 14-Feb-13 10:04:07

Thanks again, everyone x

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 14-Feb-13 10:08:29

"But my behaviour is bad, because I have spent too much money on food shopping and there is a big overdraft, he started shouting at me last night because of this"

Nobody's perfect but two wrongs don't make a right. No-one has the right to shout, sulk and make other people's lives miserable. If he's been unfaithful into the bargain then there's not really a lot left to save is there?

Please talk to CAB or a solicitor. As a married woman you may be surprised to find out what your rights and responsibilities are in the event of a split. There is also help available from the state if you were to be a single woman again.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 14-Feb-13 10:10:38

"I've had CBT and Prozac and I am probably a very annoying fuckwits"

Too many women believe themselves to be depressed and are even diagnosed and treated accordingly when the 'real' problem is often that they are in a depressing environment living with an abusive man that crushes their self-esteem and makes them feel that they are an 'annoying fuckwit'.

Jux Thu 14-Feb-13 11:16:44

Perhaps if his behaviour towards you and the children reflected that you were human beings, showed respect and love, you would not feel the need to compensate through food?

He is an abusive bastard. He needs to leave. Get thee to a solicitor!

Infestedwithcats Fri 15-Feb-13 10:40:47

Solicitor and I meet next week.

HilaryClinton Fri 15-Feb-13 10:49:14

Hurray! Well done you. You will get to end this sham of a marriage.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Fri 15-Feb-13 11:04:04

You can be very proud of yourself for taking such a concrete and positive step.

Lueji Fri 15-Feb-13 11:36:52

Great. smile

You will be so much happier.

Well done for taking this step op.

brianbennettfan Fri 15-Feb-13 14:17:47

Yep, big 'thumbs-up' for the solicitor visit op and hope you have a reasonable weekend.

Infestedwithcats Fri 15-Feb-13 21:26:33

I have told him that I am consulting solicitor and his reactions were hard to understand...a few minutes of trying to cajole, tears, then turning quickly to sarcasm and then anger, saying I was throwing away what he'd worked years for. I do feel sympathy as he has always worked fairly long hours, and I have of course not worked as much, but I think that's true of most couples with children. I have had my hours cut at work and I am applying for jobs with more days, but it's difficult. He says if we divorce it will be unfair on him, is that right? I said I would look for somewhere else, but he still thinks he'd be the one who suffers financially. He expected me to leave without the children!!!! And

Lueji Fri 15-Feb-13 21:37:48

No, not hard to understand.

He was just following the script every abuser does.

Including the poor, poor him.

wonderstuff Fri 15-Feb-13 21:37:54

Well I guess in divorce you both take a financial hit, running two households is more expensive than one. But really that is no reason to not divorce him, he is making your life and that of your children miserable, you deserve better than that, your children deserve better, you must leave, the emotional damage is greater than the financial loss.

Lueji Fri 15-Feb-13 21:39:29

And when he worked the long hours, who worked taking care of the children and the home?

Jux Sat 16-Feb-13 00:07:36

Exactly, Lueji!

Who did that working long hours thing bringing up the children, doing the house, and all that stuff? Was there a fairy who came every day, or did she just wave a wand at night and everything was perfect in the morning when you all got up? Presumably the children got to and from school by magic too? And you just sat on your bum all day eating peeled grapes?

What planet is that man on? Honestly.

Jux Sat 16-Feb-13 00:10:26

Anyway, yes, he's following the script. He's an abuser and they do exactly what he did. Don't falter if he turns up with flowers, and turns on the charm, will you? It's high time you had your life to yourself, and your children got out from under his little manipulative ways.

Good luck at the solicitor next week.

FaceLikeAPickledOnion Sat 16-Feb-13 00:19:27

Didn't want to read and run. Good luck op, the first steps to a better life! Don't listen to him.

Infestedwithcats Sat 16-Feb-13 16:07:30

This morning I was accused of having an affair ( I am not!) and then only a short time later he is was talking about a weekend away in Spain for just the two of us. Tbh I would rather we were able to do something all together as a family. And although he has said on several occasions that I have ruined his life, and he f**ing hates me, he doesn't want to be without me. Is this how the script goes? Can he be helped? I always end up feeling sorry for him, because deep down he is unhappy and this world is tooooo marvellous not to enjoy it.

Astelia Sat 16-Feb-13 16:25:18

He sounds unhinged OP. Although you might feel sorry for him you are not responsible for his happiness. In any case he doesn't deserve your care as he has ignored you for months at a time, told you he hated you and has now made wild accusations against you. I think he has burnt all his bridges.

You have put up with so much emotional abuse and now you and the DCs need to get away to become the people you really are. Are you safe at the moment?

Infestedwithcats Sat 16-Feb-13 16:30:51

Thanks Astelia, yes, safe x

Jux Sat 16-Feb-13 16:42:15

No, he can't be helped, and he is still following the script. That's why he's being vile one minute and suggesting weekends away the next. He is twisting around all the time inmthe hopes of finding something which will work on you and get you back in your box. If you succeed in getting away from him he will have to spend an lot of time and effort in squashing someone else into the box you've vacated, you see. He doesn't want the bother. He thinks it'll be easier to squash you down, as he's spent years training you to fit. You can't get to that solicitor fast enough, really. Ask how you can get him out of the house; I think that's your priority. Then divorce and all that. Luckily, your kids are old enough to decide for themselves whether - or not - they want contact which will make things a lot easier and less messy.

Please don't fall for any of his attempts at a charm offensive. He'll do it only to being you to heel, and once you've quietened down he'll start being horrible again and worse than before.

You're managing really well. Well done.

Jux Sat 16-Feb-13 16:45:25

Oh, and you can't make him happy. No matter what hoops you jump through for him, there'll always be another one you didn't know anything about which he will have placed there without telling you, just so he can be angry with you.

He will only be happy when you and the children are abject.

Infestedwithcats Sat 16-Feb-13 23:00:41

Thanks Jux and everyone. I once told my CBT lady that I would relish a 'judgement day' in a make-believe court, where all would be laid bare and justice done, I have so little confidence in my own opinions. You are helping me see that I must take control of myself. I am amazed that you people care enough to give me your support and insight into this problem xxx

Walkacrossthesand Sat 16-Feb-13 23:20:14

Incidentally, this 'incessant grunting noise' he makes that started this thread off - is there any chance he's doing it deliberately to wind you up because of your misophonia?

Infestedwithcats Sat 16-Feb-13 23:54:34

Well. I don't know, it seems excessive to me, as he does it when doing any slight movement like putting log on fire, turning screwdriver, things that really don't require much effort. He won't wait until I run out of the room before crunching his toast. I tried to explain about misophonia but he said I have invented it and he has to make the grunting noise because, (and this is new today) he has acid reflux. Which WILL result in oesophagal cancer, (which is co-incidentally what my big brother had, and he died a couple of months ago). However, the grunting has been going on for years.

Jux Sun 17-Feb-13 13:19:20

Ah, the pity-party has started. Being nasty hasn't worked; being nice hasn't worked; now he's playing on your sympathy.

Remain steadfast, Infested! Keep posting. We're here.

Somethingtothinkabout Sun 17-Feb-13 13:53:44

What a bastard. Well, you can't possibly leave him now that he is definitely going to get CANCER, can you.

What a git of the highest order, saying that to you when your brother has just died with that. angry So sorry OP.

Textbook abusive and trying to control you, I'd say. xx

fluffiphlox Sun 17-Feb-13 14:44:32

I rarely comment on Relationships threads, i have no direct experience of the ghastly relationships that are described, but felt obliged to on this one, GET OUT. It is not normal to stop talking to your family, unless you're 15. This is no example for your children though I fear at the age they are they have already witnessed a bucketful of this behaviour, probably more than is good for them. Cut your losses.

Jux Sun 17-Feb-13 15:34:14

Please do, Infested, cut your losses I mean. It is a demonstration of how hard he will try to twist you by invoking your dear brother's terminal illness (RIP). A normal person would be very careful about telling you something like that, and probably wouldn't mention it at all until they were considerably more sure of it.

If you get your children away from him soon, it will act as an example to them. You can talk to them about how they should not wait long, what signs to look out for etc when you've gone.

It's never too late, Infested.

Infestedwithcats Sun 17-Feb-13 20:12:13

Now he is being 'nice', wanting cuddles, kisses, and now I find this creepy and far worse than the silence. As I said, there's a big overdraft and today I went to get money and cards for my two boy's birthday- (yay clever me, had em both on same day but two years apart!) and thought oh bugger, must have left debit card in a coat pocket, as I couldn't find it. Turns out he had taken it out of my wallet, maybe yesterday...he forgot when, he forgot to tell me he was taking it off me. But then he is saying 'we can get through this if we stick together'. I said we should have separate bank accounts, split od and I would have to live on what I earned and whatever benefits I was eligible for. Feeling rather sick with worry about finances. Thanks people for your advice. I do think I am largely to blame for the od.

Jux Sun 17-Feb-13 20:53:25

That is beyond the pale!!!! How dare he? How very fucking dare he?? He went in your bag, took out your wallet, took the card out of your wallet and forgot to tell you. I am incandescent with rage on your behalf. I can't say anything else because my mind is swamped with HOW FUCKING DARE HE?

Jux Sun 17-Feb-13 21:01:04

That card is yours. He has no right to take it. Has he given it back?

How would he like it if you did that? (Don't do it, though.)

When are you seeing the solicitor? Early in the week? If not, see if you can get a free half hour with another one too, just to get a quick idea of what you may be able to do immediately. Talk to CAB, Women's Aid. Does he know when your appointment is?

Be prepared for tactics designed to stop you, ie, your house keys disappear, he suddenly has the day off and has arranged something which you must be involved in like a visit from a relative.

cjel Sun 17-Feb-13 21:25:27

I had all the fears you have after 30yrs of ea and dv. Found brilliant solicitor, not cheapest but so good saved money in long run. I used to phone her in tears with the latest threat and she would say things like 'no he can't' 'let him try' etc and gradually over time I was able to have the strength to make choices that
were right for me and I lost the worry being scared or of wanting to take care of him. Although I did go with clean break and not maintenance because of the hassle of prolonging bullying. That was only because I decided I could buy a house and have enough to live off for a few years and it was best for me. Please don't settle for what you don't want because of any tactic he uses to get your sympathy. Take the advice and do what they say - you may think 'he won't do that' but trust me he will.
Stay strong and firm - you know what you want to do.xx

Jux Mon 18-Feb-13 16:04:47

How are you today, infested? Have you managed to make any progress with things? (How many cats are you infested with??!)

Infestedwithcats Tue 19-Feb-13 00:53:20

He had been very kind yesterday and most of today, but tonight it's changed. The reason for the far as I can tell, is that he wants sex but I don't. he tried to persuade me and I said my head was not in the right place, right now. And so he says again that I have caused us to be in debt and starts the ranting. I feel like an utter bastard. Daughter has drawn up her own 'change of name' document (she wants my maiden name as her surname). Eldest boy is trying to join army and refuses to tell his father, and I am terrified of his reaction if/when he finds out.

Damash12 Tue 19-Feb-13 02:57:22

Leave, leave and leave again!! WHY are you still with this man?? Your life would improve so much if you got out of this torturous relationship.

cjel Tue 19-Feb-13 09:06:21

Oh that sounds awful to be afraid of telling dh ds plans for the future, would be lovely if he could encourage ds in his life choice but the thing that bothers me is that you are terrified. PLease don't put yourself or dcs through any more of this. Its not fair on them or you to live with this pressure. I can assure you that the problems you imagine in being on your own are only imagined and that mental peace is worth everything you may be concerned about. To live not being terrified is lovely.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Tue 19-Feb-13 10:03:43

Wow. Your children obviously don't like him. Leave him please. Do you have any family near by?

Please don't give in and have sex with him. Ignore him when he goes on about the OD. You're spending money because it gives you a little lift in your days of misery. You know it needs addressing but don't beat yourself up about it. Keep that solicitor's appointment in the back of your mind and keep visualising a happy household with your carefree kids - it's up to you to make it happen and you can do it smile

Snazzynewyear Tue 19-Feb-13 11:12:27

Definitely go somewhere else if he can't be got out of the house. This is the end of the line. He can't rant and rave at you one minute and expect to have sex with you the next. His treatment of you has been awful. Who cares if divorce is 'fair' to him or not? He's not fair to you!

Infestedwithcats Tue 19-Feb-13 11:14:35

I have no family nearby. He was trying to make me change my mind about the solicitor, and says I have today to draw 15K from my ISA which is there to pay off part of mortgage.

ZorbaTheHoarder Tue 19-Feb-13 11:24:33

Hi OP, this nasty, malicious and manipulative man has been working hard for years to destroy your self-confidence. Please tell yourself that you have done nothing to deserve his treatment of you (a normal person, if they felt their partner was overspending, would sit down with them and discuss the issue, not ignore them for four months). The situation is obviously making your chldren extremely unhappy as well, so try to ignore all the rubbish he says and get him out of your lives as quickly as possible. Good luck.

Jux Tue 19-Feb-13 12:14:58

You overspend because you're trying to fill the hole which should be full of his love and support. As it is, that space is wide open, gaping and desperate. Please don't think you can fill it with his occasional flashes of niceness, which are utterly minimal and cause him little inconvenience.

When he is gone, you can start to love yourself properly and fill that void yourself.

Stand firm! You can do this,and your children's behaviour tells you that they will be a lot happier too.

Jux Tue 19-Feb-13 12:18:16

Of course, ranting at your wife will have her positively drooling with desire for you. Why are these abusive men so stupid?

Is he at home today?

Infestedwithcats Wed 20-Feb-13 08:40:30

He must feel quite abandoned because I can't feel any desire. I believed that being kind is being strong, but it seems that some people see kindness as weakness.

Astelia Wed 20-Feb-13 10:52:23

Do not draw any money out of your ISA. Wait until you have some impartial advice from the solicitor on what your next financial move should be before doing anything.

Take details of your financial position with you to the solicitors and start to search out passports and birth certificates and put them in a safe place. You need to start preparing for getting away from this marriage.

cjel Wed 20-Feb-13 10:56:12

being kind is strength but what about being kind to yourself and dcs? Could you use your strength to be kind to your dcs and yourself.

riveroise Wed 20-Feb-13 11:55:34

I think the way he is behaving is escalating - he probably realizes that his "money supply" may dry up soon.

I think he's the type who would take as much money as he could from you and then leave you high and dry to pay off the debts. sad

BerylStreep Thu 28-Feb-13 21:49:24

Hi OP, how did the meeting with the solicitor go last week?

I hope you are ok. Which part of the script is your H reading from this week?

Don't withdraw money from ISA.

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