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Being touched sexually whilst asleep and worse please help(83 Posts)
This has gone on for a while but has reached the point where I am frightened to sleep next to him
It has gone from a bit of groping to really nasty aggressive touching and the words spoken make me feel physically sick.
He says the most horrendous things to me.
He is definitely asleep so I don't know what to do but I am scared to go to sleep properly now
Any advice ?
Make him sleep on the couch until he gets help.
How do you know he is definitely asleep?
What is his reaction when you speak to him about it?
What does he say when you tell him what he's done?
Does he offer to go get help/sleep somewhere else, is he really, genuinely sorry, or does he turn it back on you?
If the latter - then he's NOT asleep, he's abusive, he is pretending, and you need to get away from him.
I haven't spoken to him
He's definitely asleep because he just wouldn't say those things when he awake
He has been increasingly disrespectful of me recently though and we aren't sleeping together so I can't help wondering if this is building into setting else
Well if he is frightening you, and you have told him this, then he should be activley seeking help for this as a matter of urgency.
How can you be sure he is actually asleep? I f he isn't, then you have a whole other word of problem.
^He's definitely asleep because he just wouldn't say those things when he awake
He has been increasingly disrespectful of me recently though^
Can you see how, to an outsider, these statements don't really tally?
I think he is probably aware that he's doing it, and is preparing you for worse. He needs to get help, and you need to be safe.
...because he just wouldn't say those things when he awake. He has been increasingly disrespectful of me recently though and we aren't sleeping together...
He is building up to saying those things while "awake" - he is saying them on purpose while pretending to be asleep, to test you and see what you'll put up with.
Why haven't you spoken to him - are you scared of his reaction?
Trib is right.
There is only a very small possibility he is asleep.
It is far, far more likely that he is abusing you. Please get help.
Id Record it on your phone, play it back to him. Gauge his reaction from there. Sounds awful and needs addressing asap
I wouldn't be funny if it wasn't true.
Are you frightened to talk to him about it? Please protect yourself
I would get the hell out of there, sorry
You are not safe
I think you need to confront him and he needs to get help. Agree with trib. Stay safe.
Speak to him about it and sleep in separate beds until it is sorted.
Sorry for user name - no it wouldn't be funny.
I'm a really old regular and just picked a name that I had but hadn't used before
I know I need to speak to him, I just don't know what to say. The things he has said to me are appalling
Do you have family nearby? Have you spoken to anyone IRL about it? Do you have children together?
Sorry it's questions, but I am worried for you. This situation sounds dangerous to me.
an ex of mine used to do something similar, he wasn't asleep but said he couldn't help it.
I waited for him to realize it wasn't right but it kept getting worse and in hindsight I should have run before things got as bad as they did. if he is genuinely unaware of what hes doing he should be horrified and do something about it, if he doesnt leave.
Yes I've got family but how the hell do I speak to them ?
It's far too embarrassing
Greeny we have one child.
I'm pretty much sleeping with one eye open and I'm ill and need to rest. I stead I feel vulnerable and frightened in my own bed
I just feel really uneasy. He has some new friends and came home from seeing them the other day talking about fetish which he has never mentioned before
Apparently his friends are into it and he has decided so is he so they must have looked at porn. Should prob mention his friends are a hetero couple.
Something just isn't right, something has changed and it's worrying me
Make sure another adult, who knows the situation, is there in the house when you start the conversation - I'm really afraid that he will escalate.
Also, I notice that you are only mentioning the things that he has said in your last few posts?
Forgive me if I'm misinterpreting but you seem just to be concentrating on the words he has said - but the groping is just as bad - please don't minimise his horrendous behaviour.
I know your mind plays tricks on you in this sort of situation to make it bearable, but NONE of this behaviour is remotely acceptable - if he is a decent partner he will want to address it all. (I fear he is not, though)
Please keep yourself safe.
This just sounds so abusive.
What do you think would happen if you spoke to him about it? Why haven't you so far?
.... I'm not saying you should, I'm wondering why you haven't?
By saying awful things do you mean swearing at you, criticising you, threatening you?
It sounds terrifying to be honest and I would be getting support (possibly place to stay if you can) and then confronting him about it.
It's so awful but I also suspect he knows what he's doing
You say he's said horrendous things, do you mean like rape/hurting you? or just gross offensive things? (I don't need detail, just trying to gauge how bad it is)
I agree. He knows EXACTLY what he is doing. Reading that has made me feel sick so I can't imagine how you are feeling.
My ex used to drink and abuse me and pretend he didn't remember in the morning but I knew he did.
Please please get help
I can't say what he said, I'm sorry
At first it was just a bit of 'dirty talk' but now it's abusive and threatening and vile
Agree with all the others, this is worrying.
Also is the fetish something he wants you involved in, or do you feel he's prepping you to try and get you to take part this sounds so no good
Can you tell us if he's threatening to harm you? Without going into specifics.
The way he's behaving when he's awake makes it clear something is going on. You need to get some decent sleep you can deal with this. Can you go to a hotel?
He isn't asleep. Honestly, I bet my, well, everything I have that he isn't asleep.
It suits him right now to pretend that he is. But he isn't.
would you be safe if you said - while he's 'asleep' - you are revolting and this turns my stomach.
If he's asleep - he won't hear a thing, will he? You'll be free to tell him just how you feel.
you won't though.
Because you know in your heart of hearts that he is awake.
I don't know enough about this to be categorical, but really, the chances are that he means this, and you are frightened because you believe he does too. To raise it with someone you feel close to, and trust would be embarrassing, hurtful, but not scary.
Which suggests he is deliberately abusing you and should be addressed accordingly
"He has been increasingly disrespectful of me recently" - how do you mean? When did it start? Did it starting coincide with anything?
What's your own private explanation for this? The one you think "i hope it's not this..."
X post with Hecate.
Well I punched him twice last night and he just grunted and turned over so I am pretty sure he is asleep
The alternative doesn't bear thinking about really
I've asked him to come home from work at a decent time so we can talk
I think I really need to ask him to sleep downstairs
I'm no sleep expert but surely people can't say lots of coherent things on the same subject when asleep? I can understand blurting occasional things out but I think if ihe's saying a lot he simply must be awake. I'm sorry you're going through this, it sounds frightening. Can you sleep on the sofa at least tonight while you think/decide what to do?
What will you say to him?
If you punched me twice - I would wake up.
So he can say really vile things to you in his sleep, grope you in his sleep and you punch him twice and he doesn't stir? Just a grunt and turn over?
I may be wrong. I'm not a sleep expert.
But that reads even MORE like someone awake pretending to be asleep. not less.
This guy is awake...
What do you say while he is doing this? I mean, do you say "X, stop touching me" or do you just stay quiet and let him and hope for it to stop?
How many times has this happened?
Sorry for all the questions, but I am wondering what stopped you bellowing at him after the first time. I am not blaming you, I am concerned you are scared of him
Oh, I kick my DH a million times a night when he's snoring and he doesn't bloody wake up. You need to put a stop to this - in whatever way you need to. You need to be very, very clear with him that this is not continue and HE needs to move out of the bed if he cannot stop it happening. It will tear your relationship apart. And then you need to address the general lack of respect outside of the bed. Again, not something to be tolerated. If he doesn't act to stop it then you have your answer.
Sleep disorders of this kind are very rare. And if he had a genuine sleep disorder you would've known about it well before he suddenly met these new friends and developed this new interest in fetish.
The fact that the two events have happened at the same time is no coincidence.
I would put a lot of money on him being awake while he's doing these things to you.
You sound very frightened of him. Please get yourself somewhere safe.
There are two options here (A) He isn't asleep and hes seeing how far he can take it (B) he is asleep, and he is one of 4% that develop somniloquy / sleep talking as an adult.
If you really truly believe that its option B he needs to go see a doctor and possibly be referred to a neurologist as this can be a sign of more serious sleep disorders, but this shouldnt/wouldn't affect his waking behaviour.
But really you know its A, youve mentioned other things in your posts about his behaviour and as sleep talking most normally occurs in the lighter phase of sleep, punching him should have woken him.
I think you need to acknowledge that you are afraid and take action, please.
I'm going to tell him he has to sleep elsewhere. Sofa, spare mattress, car I don't care where but not in my bed
And I want to ask him if he has any recollection if what he is doing ? Hopefully ill be able to see if he is lying
I didn't question the fetish thing at the time but I also want answers as to why his friends thought it an appropriate conversation to have and why he joined in
I should have realised at the time that they must have shown him it as he said he'd never seen any before but now he likes it and they are both into it - to me that is just not the done thing not is it acceptable to discuss ones sex life with others
My DH did something once which I did not like, and I asked him angrily to stop. He stopped. He apologised. He was awake. He has never done it again.
I cannot fathom how you could stand for this to happen unless he has been softening you up, or someone else has led you to believe this is OK, or you are scared. It is not OK awake or asleep. I am worried you are scared, and if you are scared of your husband then you need outside help
X post with your last post
Where / how did he meet these new friends who are discussing fetish? I agree that I don't think it is appropriate to be discussing sexual preferences with friends.
It seems a very strange coincidence, and I think he is awake and trying to push the boundaries. He has decided he is into fetish. Do your preferences have nothing to do with it?
Even if he is asleep, it is disturbing if this is what is going on in his head.
Do you have DC?
I don't think it's coincidental that he's started to treat you like this AND started to talk about these friends and this fetish.
Do you even know that he's telling the truth about them? Have you heard them say anything yourself? How do you know this isn't coming from him and he's using them as a reason why he's raising it with you now?
Sorry but I went through something similar (not threatening) but sexual touching from my exH while he was apparently asleep. He wasn't asleep and I doubt your OH is either. Having been sexypually abused as a child the was a deal breaker for me and we separated as he could not and would not stop. Here were other issues too but your OP struck a chord.....he is not asleep.
My DH often acts out dreams, many times they have been violent and a few times they have been sexual.
I have sometimes had to hurt him to get him off me but he always wakes up he seems to be very close to waking when they happen not in a really deep sleep, he is always mortified, embarrassed and very apologetic.
I am also thinking that he is not actually asleep. next time he does it lift up his eye lids, you will be able to tell then. I think when you are asleep your eyes tend to roll back. -- might also be completely making that up--
But is he doing anything about it notso?
He should be. That's not really on to expect you to just have to put up with it.
If it was the other way round I bet he'd have you marched down to the GP after the first incident.
I'm not sure that sleeping on the sofa is the answer here..
You're talking about 3 things: his vile, hurtful and frightening behaviour at night, an increasing disrespect for you during the daytime and new friends with whom he is straying into inappropriate and private territory. These things are not separate. Something has changed, as you say, and it's not clear what but these behaviours are all part of it so I'm not sure tackling the night time issue is the answer..
If it was only the vile night time behaviour and he really was asleep (I doubt it too), then I'm sure the minute you raise it he'll be horrified, embarrassed, desperate to sleep elsewhere to keep you safe and in a hurry to get help. But I think if you expected that reaction you'd have raised it before now..
It sounds like you might need to be prepared for anything and think about keeping yourself safe too. The kind of behaviour you're referring to sounds pretty scary...
This sounds very worrying and I'd be very nervous like you are. Another here thinking he sounds like he is awake and is testing you. And if he's not awake then he needs serious help if this behaviour is happening in his sleep as you just don't know what the next step of "sleep action" is. What if it is acting out one of the fetish films without the brake of an awake conscience?
Please talk to him and don't sleep with him close again until something changes. Good luck.
Also - I'd tell one of your real life friends about this - you don't have to say the (sexual) details but I really would let someone know what's happening.
My DH talks and acts out his dreams (gibberish, I might add) and there is an easy way to tell if he is really asleep, which is to suddenly pretend to poke him in the eyes or karate chop in the throat, or similar. If he really is asleep- which I totally doubt - he will instinctively do something to protect himself; flinch, put his hands up, something. If he is dreaming he won't really react or might listlessly swat at you.
I think it's bullshit that this couple introduced him to this fetish. It sounds like a teen's excuse. He's clearly got into something sick and violent and has made up some bullshit story to excuse how he really got into it (which will probably be him watching loads ofporn and getting into nastier and nastier stuff). He knows you'd hardly casually ask people if they were into whatever it is!
He is testing you, OP. He's seeing what he can get away with and pushing the boundaries every night. It will get worse and worse and worse.
Your relationship is over. This man is sick, dangerous and a rapist. The damage this will do to your child is immeasurable - a child always knows when there is a terrible atmosphere gling on and I bet if we delved deeper into your relationship, there'd be plenty of other abusive factors that you might not see are abusive.
Posted too soon - the vile behaviour in the day is emotional abuse. I bet nything he's got into some sick porn and it's warped his view of women and his 'ownership' of you.
he isn't asleep. Please please please record him. My phone is by my bed, can't you press the button when he starts?
PLEASE Notso (you are hidden behind a name after all) tell us what he says. 1. Naming things make them real and 2. you are NOT responsible for this. This is not your fault, and it is not a reflection on you.
Please talk to us. You don't feel frightened for nothing.
I've been on mumsnet now, for over 3 years. There's a helluva lot of run of the mill type bastards out there, but every now and again i read a proper sickening post that leaves me shocked; and this is one of them.
My 1st reaction would be to tell you, to tell him (during the day) that if it happens again you are going to poke him extremely hard in the eyes, if it happens again.
But that's getting him to behave himself with a threat. Do you really really want to be with someone, who will only treat you with love and respect, if you threaten him?
Please take this seriously and admit that he cares more about an orgasm than he does about you.
Agree with much that has been said. It's weird and abusive.
If and it's a big if, this is genuine then is he not absolutely horrified that he has done this to you? Isn't he offering to do anything to try and make it stop? He is sexually assaulting you, most reasonable blokes would be extremely distressed that they were doing this in their sleep.
What about telling him that this needs sorting, and the only way to deal with it is to go to the GP and try to get a referral. Explain that you'll have to tell the GP how serious this is and discuss what he does to you so he can be given the appropriate treatment. Then see how willing he is to discuss his behaviour and have tests done to establish his sleep 'problem'.
But seriously, if at any point you're suspicious that he's not sleeping you need to understand this is abuse and you need to make yourself safe. Don't put up with this.
He isn't asleep. If he were, he would have woken up in shock when you punched him. He was awake, and pretending, that's why he could roll over grunting.
Call WA. He is vile, and will end up doing a lot more than he is now. You need to make yourself safe.
There is a sleep disorder that causes people to do sexual things in their sleep and I suppose that could be a possible explanation - see here and here. However it is by no means common, and I think that the fact that your DH's behaviour while he is awake has changed too, and the fact that he doesn't appear remorseful or worried, should ring some alarm bells for you.
Are you absolutely sure he's asleep? I know a lot of people have said that if he was, he would have woken up when you punched him, but my DP snores something terrible and I can pretty much beat him and he'll just carry on. He talks in his sleep too, incidentally, completely random but clear as day.
Even if he is asleep, it's still completely unacceptable and you shouldn't be sleeping together until he has got it under control. It's not unheard of for people to commit rape or even murder in their sleep. And that's not to mention the simple fact that it's distressing for you and disrupting your sleep! And if he isn't even asleep, then you shouldn't be sleeping together for obvious reasons.
Good luck with this, however you choose to deal with it.
This is more common than you think. It maybe a sleep disorder called sexsomnia. It's like sleep walking. There is every chance he is sleeping. People can even shower and walk around asleep so I am sure he can say undesirable stuff and touch you. What happens in the day is also played out in people's dreams. Hence the fetish thing. Get him to go to the GP for a referral.
Some posters are to quick to judge him as being abusive. He he treats you well otherwise I would see it as something he has little control over. It's a pain for you as you keep getting woken up. I have known someone to have sex and only wake up on the runway to orgasm.
But he isn't, Little. He has 'changed lately'.
I remember when my H 'suddenly changed' - there was something massively wrong.
But he doesn't treat her well otherwise. She's described how he is when awake. not nice. And this behaviour has appeared out of nowhere at the same time as he has begun talking about fetishes and things when awake.
If he's got sexsomnia, I'm a monkey's uncle.
Sexsomia is actually extremely rare is accompanied by a family history of sleep disorders such as sleep walking/talking and begins in childhood as sleepwalking talking.
This is a recent thing so by all the diagnostic criteria by the parasomia society, nope it's just a nasty piece of work who is being abusive.
Just coming back to this to update you and thank you for the advice
I spoke to him last night and he was mortified and cried when I told him he had hurt me. He swears he had no recollection if it. Anyway, he is going to gp, is already on anti d's following months and months of severe stress
He says he won't sleep in the bed again and spent the night on the sofa with no heating or blanket
I just can't put the vile things he has said out of my mind - I don't understand how he could say them even if he was asleep
That's not exactly a positive outcome Why didn't be make himself comfortable? To ensure to feel sorry for him and keep you on the back-foot and assuming this is somehow your fault and you have to carry on keeping quiet and keeping him sweet.
Well we have no heating or spare blankets so not really possible
Right so you or he gets a cheapo duvet and some blankets today. All too easy to say 'well I spent one night in the cold to show I repented'.
My husband has sexsomnia and when it first started I was terrified and didn't truly believe he could be asleep and do these things and that he didnt wake up when I was shouting and fighting him off. It is not a nice thing to live with, however if his behaviour towards you during the day has changed and its coincided with discussing differing sexual tastes then I would be highly sceptical. What I would say it comes down to is what is his reaction when you tell him what he has done? If he was really asleep and really cared for you he would be shocked, ashamed, taking himself to the GP to try and get it sorted out and trying to find a way to protect you from it. If he isn't and won't do aby of these things then do you really want to spend your life with someone who cares so little for you?
Sorry I missed your last update. If he does have it, then what he is doing is entirely possible. It is a horrible thing to have to live with, but there is help out there which can improve things. I won't lie and say it makes everything fine again but it does make it easier. He does need help and to keep pushing for it, I know how far it can go and you don't want to end up there.
Oh good on you talking to him. And a reassuring reaction from him too. Are you (like I am) more inclined to believe him? Get a spare blanket / duvet today though so he can stay on the sofa until you feel safer.
He most certainly is awake when he does this. He knows that if he was to try this shit in real life, you would run for the hills. He will then wait until you are in a semiconscious state and abuse you. He is doing this because it turns him on, plain and simple. I also wonder what sort of porn he is watching. Although I don't agree with it, I think you'll agree that there are different degrees of porn. It sounds like he is watching some derogatory shit and is then wanting to act out his fantasies on you.
No good will ever come out of this situation. If, for argument sake, he is genuinely asleep. Would you not be so mortified that you wouldn't want to sleep in the same bed as your partner until you got help?
The other (and more likely) option is that he is awake and using you for his play-thing. Sick on so many levels. Yes, you have a child together. It does not mean that you need to put up with any of this. And what if you had visitors over and he started acting inappropriately, or worse still to your child.
I am not trying to scare-monger. I just want you to know that you really need to detach yourself from him before it gets any worse. If he wants to get help, fine. I wouldn't hold your breath.
Wake him up as soon as he does it and tell him to stop
I think this sounds believable, actually. SSRI antidepressants are known to cause sleep problems/ dream changes and a quick google of citalopram and sexsomnia showed a similar case written up in a medical journal. Could it be the antidepressants have caused this behaviour?
I do agree you need to keep an eye on the other behaviour though - esp the disrespect towards you. Have you talked to him about that?
People are too quick to call "abuser!"
It is utterly possible he is asleep
Most people who are interested in the fetish scene are also very keen on consent, not on using it as a justification to abuse a partner. Is this man abusive generally? Because you sound like you are scared of him: some people would say, look DP you are annoying me in the night, stop it, sort it out.
Do YOU belive him OP? You know him best.
To me - it sounds believeable fro him reaction. If he were lying I think it would play it down, maybe laugh and try to brush it off.
However, he needs to see it through with the GP. I hope you can come through this and you can forgive him. IF you believe him
Am I the only one wondering WTF, a house with absolutely nothing in the way of spare blankets?
me too Marina. I could spare enough to bed down an army
Yeah marina cus that's the main issue here isn't it ?
I think marina's pointing out that this is a bit of a weak excuse. If he showed any commitment to getting this sorted he'd sleep under a coat and keep his clothes on, instead of somehow persuading OP that he can't possibly manage another night on the sofa.
Marina is merely pointing out the very obvious temporary solution of one partner sleeping elsewhere
This probably is nt help ful in real terms but may explain where the idea stems from.There is a fifty shades style book called bared to you out at the moment where the handsome hero type has this condition.He attacks heroine while she is asleep. Utter twaddle as a read but fifty shades was responsible for a lot of funny ideas in some men's heads IMO.In real life protect yourself sleep separately Think about contacting a refuge make an escape plan etc I don t feel that you are safe.There is potentially a lot of aggression in this man awake or asleep.
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