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My mum says I'm being over-sensitive. Do you think I am?

(67 Posts)
PandaOnAPushBike Wed 13-Feb-13 10:44:49

I emigrated to southern Sweden several years ago. In the 6 years I've been here I have not been visited by anyone from my family. My mum won't fly and it's too far for my dad to drive. Two of my sisters say it's too expensive, but they will come out when they can afford it. My other sister and brother say they'd love to come and will do soon but never do. The only time I see them is when I make the effort to go back to England. I feel sad about it but resigned to it.

Yesterday I was talking to my mum and she's all excited about an upcoming holiday. The whole family, parents and siblings (and their children) have clubbed together to hire a minibus and are driving down to France to stay with a distant cousin for a week. It's here 40th and she's having a big party to celebrate and they all want to go.

Am I being over-sensitive for feeling really hurt by this? They didn't make the effort to come for my daughter's 18th or graduation and my 40th passed by unnoticed. I accepted it at the time, but now it seems like it's 'can't be arsed to make it' rather than 'can't make it'. I was making plans to get my new son baptised back in the UK so they could all come. Now I'm thinking 'sod them' and having it here. My mum thinks I'm being reasonable. Am I?

PandaOnAPushBike Wed 13-Feb-13 10:46:33

Sorry, my mum thinks I'm being UNreasonable.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Wed 13-Feb-13 11:01:59

You are entitled to feel as sensitive as YOU want to feel. No-one gets to dictate what your emotions "should" be.

And yes, if they wanted to visit you in Sweden, they would have. They clearly don't.

LessMissAbs Wed 13-Feb-13 11:02:32

YANBU. Its like they are punishing you for moving abroad, and making sure you deal with the consequences. I would have thought that in six years, normal human curiosity and a desire to visit a new country, with free accommodation thrown in, would have tempted most parents to visit. Perhaps they have something against Sweden, and believe all the stereotypes that its cold and unhospitable?

(I visited Sweden last year for a wedding and absolutely loved it!)

Did you move for work or marry a Swede?

Lueji Wed 13-Feb-13 11:05:43

Having moved to another country myself, I never expected family to go to me, TBH.
They did about twice (my parents and sister when DS was born and one other time), in about 16 years abroad.

I always took time every year to go home.

It was your decision, to move away.

Also, flights are more expensive than sharing a minibus, I'd expect.
And your mother doesn't fly.

You should have your son christened where and when you want, but I don't think it's a case for "sod them". Not yet, anyway.

JellyMould Wed 13-Feb-13 11:09:52

I'd be pretty upset as well. I don't think you're being over sensitive.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 13-Feb-13 11:25:37

If one won't fly, the other can't drive that far and the rest can't afford to travel then Sweden is out of range.... sorry. Clubbing together to hire a minibus is a pretty cheap travel option that doesn't involve flying and the driving can be shared. I can see why you feel hurt and I don't think you should change your plans but you have to accept that it's not easy for people to just drop by

Hoaz Wed 13-Feb-13 11:27:17

Hmm, I can understand how you feel, but you did move away, knowing that your mum doesn't fly. How did you deal with that issue at the time, when you made the decision to move? Would she be unreasonable to be hurt that you left knowing that she could never visit?

It is expensive to fly to Sweden and the siblings that say they'll come probably do mean it when they say it. I mean it when I say I'll visit my sister (who lives 200 miles away but in UK) but then the weeks pass by and before you know it it's been months. The only way it actually happens is if we get out diaries out while we're actually talking and set a date. A vague, come any time, or we must meet up soon is never going to happen I'm afraid.

I do understand that your situation must be upsetting (and I would be too) but I think as you moved away, the effort to get this organised needs to come form you.

Branleuse Wed 13-Feb-13 11:30:14

you were the one that moved, and swedens quite an expensive place to fly to. Plus not exactly a warm holiday destination is it?

My dp is french and moved to the UK, and tbh, his family dont visit much. We visit them a lot more.

mummytime Wed 13-Feb-13 11:30:54

But surely driving to Sweden is not further than the South of France?

I'd say sod it to them, personally.

Lueji Wed 13-Feb-13 11:33:59

The op didn't say where in France.
But shared driving is much much easier.

PandaOnAPushBike Wed 13-Feb-13 11:34:57

LessMiss We moved for my husband's job.

Lueji I never expected them to come to me. I just hoped they would want to. What hurts is that they want to travel abroad to visit a cousin they barely know but clearly don't want to travel to visit their sister.

I suppose I should have expected it really, they just don't seem interested in me and my family at all. I speak to my mum maybe once a month. The others only when I'm in England. They never call or email. At first I used to make the effort to keep in touch, but when it wasn't reciprocated I let it tail off.

I don't suppose it's down to emigrating either, as with hindsight they weren't bothered when I lived in the same town as them. I only ever saw them in passing if we happened to be at my mums at the same time. I haven't received so much as a birthday card from any of my siblings in 20 years (neither has my daughter).

10 years ago, when I still lived nearby, they organised a big surprise party for my dad's 60th. So 'surprise' that they never thought to tell me about it. I found out it from a neighbour the day before. I was being over-sensitive then too when I was really upset at being over looked. I was so hurt I didn't go, which apparantly showed what a selfish cow I am, because by not going I ruined it for everyone else. (IE other peoples asked them where I was which they didn't like)

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 13-Feb-13 11:35:21

"But surely driving to Sweden is not further than the South of France?"

Not much further as the crow flies (800+ miles) but it involves several ferries and toll bridges which probably means overnight stays in hotels and lots of expense. Plus.... it's Sweden hmm. Land of the £5 pint.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 13-Feb-13 11:37:16

If they can't be bothered with you when you're in the same town, why did you think moving 800 miles would mean things improved?

AmberLeaf Wed 13-Feb-13 11:39:46

I can see why you feel upset.

There is the issue of expense, but after your last post, it seems like they are not the types to make and effort and seem fairly disinterested.

The thing about your dads 60th sounds really mean sad

PandaOnAPushBike Wed 13-Feb-13 11:41:25

Cogito If they drove, it would be no further than they are driving when they go to France.

As for the cost of flying to Sweden, you can get an adult return to the airport nearest me for under £50.

Hmm, tricky.

On the one hand, you are experiencing the typical expat thing, where everyone says they will come visit but hardly anyone ever does. It's hard but you can't take it personally. Travelling is expensive and time-consuming, it doesn't mean people don't care about you, they just can't manage it.

But on the other hand, I would also be a bit hmm if family were always telling me they can't afford it or don't have time but then suddenly miraculously can get organised enough to have a big family holiday to France. They should at least be sensitive enough to present it to you as 'we would love to come to you instead but it was too expensive/too complicated, etc.'

The bit about not inviting you to your dad's party is seriously weird though. Why do you think there is this gulf between you? Are you just very different people? Is there some bad blood from the past? It seems really odd.

If I were you, I wouldn't exactly say 'sod them' but I wouldn't be putting myself out to organise the christening in the UK either.

ps I also have a mum who says I'm 'oversensitive', it's her way of rationalising a lot of inappropriate behaviour on her part tbh

PatriciaHolm Wed 13-Feb-13 11:47:12

Given their lack of interest in you when you lived nearby, I don't think you can be surprised that they aren't bothered about spending money to visit you. I'm sorry you're not happy about it, but they weren't going to suddenly become a close loving family were they? Try not to get upset about it, it doesn't sound as if they are worth the stress.

YANBU to be sad that they don't make the effort to come. "You're over-sensitive" is very often another way of saying "you have no right to feelings, especially if those feelings make me look bad".

YANBU to feel that perhaps from now on you'll put the same effort into the relationship that they do. That's fair. It's hard to sustain a one-sided relationship.

I think you're probably BU to expect them to come - it is expensive. But I don't agree that everything should be down to you, just because you moved. Thats slightly wierd. I guess because I have friends and family all over the world, and when we have the money, we visit each other. Nobody says "well you left the mother country, you have to come to me".

I wonder, if you started making less effort, might they start making more effort? Maybe they feel they see enough of you as things are? I don't know how often you go.

Did they invite you on the family holiday to France, btw?

I notice you say that your mum "won't" fly - chooses not to, rather than has some solid medical reason not to fly? That's sad. I'm terrified of spiders, but if my dd moved to Australia, I'd go on a course and get over it!

poozlepants Wed 13-Feb-13 11:51:14

YANBU. Your family sound pretty horrible to me. Best not to expect anything from them because you'll only be disappointed if they act true to form. Your life is in Sweden have your christening there.

They are mad. Sweden is my favourite holiday destination so they are missing out.

havingastress Wed 13-Feb-13 11:51:21

My inlaws won't drive up (2hrs) to come and visit their grandchild, because it's 'too far'

Yet they will happily drive that distance, and more, to pick up items they've won off ebay.

Sounds like they just don't want to.

Sod them! (and no, you are not being unreasonable to feel sad about it)

Ah, x-posted.

OK, so your being in Sweden is irrelevant then. Stop running back to England for christenings! Send them all a Christmas card each year and forget about them.

What are your dh's family like? Have you made good friends in Sweden? You need to be looking elsewhere for "family" - people who love and respect you and enjoy your company.

I did think "over-sensitive" was a red flag for people who behave like this. Stick your nose in the Stately Homes thread!

CartedOff Wed 13-Feb-13 11:52:10

From what you've said I think making the effort to get your son christened back in the UK isn't going to be appreciated much by them and there might be less stress and disappointment if you have it done in Sweden.

PandaOnAPushBike Wed 13-Feb-13 11:52:35

As I'm feeling miserable I've tortured myself a bit more and looked it up on google maps. It's 6 hours 40 minutes to the town in France (Lyon) from the ferry terminal. Whereas it's 4.5 hours driving to mine, with a 3 hour ferry part way through. So very little difference.

BeCool Wed 13-Feb-13 11:53:41

I don't think you are being oversensitive or unreasonable. I think in your position I too would be upset that they can visit a cousin in France and not make any effort in 6 years to visit me & my family in Sweden.

Perhaps, after the French trip, they can start to see a way of planning to visit you in Sweden?

But it does sound like they really can't be bothered to make any effort to visit you. Sorry.

Just remember to count all the lovely reasons there are to live in another reason from your dysfunctional family!!! (I speak from experience)

BeCool Wed 13-Feb-13 11:54:57

DOH!

Just remember to count all the lovely reasons there are to live in another country from your dysfunctional family!!!

Thumbwitch Wed 13-Feb-13 11:55:16

YA so NBU, as your later post about the 60th birthday party reveals.
You are upset because they are overlooking you.
However, this appears to be a pattern and whilst I can fully understand how upsetting it is, perhaps you need to look at their behaviour over your whole life and realise that in fact they are a bunch of gits who have used you as the family scapegoat for a long while, and then give them the heave-ho (if you can bear to do so).

JustCallMeFish Wed 13-Feb-13 11:56:40

Yadefnbu.

Although I think France is a lot cheaper to visit.

But in all that time they could have out a little money away each month to visit you. Even if it took 18 months to save up.

I have family who live a mile and a half away who haven't seen my newborn yet and dc is 3 months old. And I mean close family.

Some people are insensitive. Your fam are bu.

Hugs to you.

Hoaz Wed 13-Feb-13 11:57:40

Really only 4.5 hours? I thought it would be much further TBH. So, around 2 hours, a nice break on the ferry and another 2 hours or so? I don't know anyone who's fit to drive who couldn't manage that.

I thought from your OP, as I said, there could be two sides, but IVO how they treated you in the UK, I think CartedOff is right and you should enjoy your new life and get your child christened where you are.

What is your relationship with your mum like when you visit? Did they leave you out of your father's 60th plans to be spiteful or were they used to you being too busy? (just asking smile )

PandaOnAPushBike Wed 13-Feb-13 11:59:11

The bit about not inviting you to your dad's party is seriously weird though. Why do you think there is this gulf between you? Are you just very different people? Is there some bad blood from the past? It seems really odd.

No bad blood. I think it's because they are all extravert party types with big, interlinked, social circles. On the other hand I am extremely quiet, don't drink, have AS and am just invisible to them.

PandaOnAPushBike Wed 13-Feb-13 12:03:58

What is your relationship with your mum like when you visit? Did they leave you out of your father's 60th plans to be spiteful or were they used to you being too busy?

No I don't think there was anything spiteful about it and I'm never too busy. I think it was purely that I never crossed their minds.

Bogeyface Wed 13-Feb-13 12:05:39

People who say others are being over sensitive usually know that they are in the wrong but need to justify their actions.

YANBU

I live 180 miles away from my family, in England. My sister has been up once. For my wedding. I've lived here for 6 years. I can only assume she doesn't want to come as I get a range of excuses whenever I've mentioned her visiting.
Makes me feel sad but I can't force her. We go back one to visit at least 5 times a year and orally more often. I've had a couple of friends visit once and my mum has visited at least once a year. I'm not really close to anyone in my family apart from my mum.

Orally more often?! Normally more often!

TomArchersSausage Wed 13-Feb-13 12:27:42

Speaking from my own pov here's no way I'd not have visited a lot by now.

Is the French trip in the summer? I'm guessing if it is, the holiday is more about the climate and the chance of shared driving /costs than because it's someone's birthday. Maybe?

But the thing about the 60th party is very strange and hurtfulsad.

Yes I do think saying you are being over sensitive is just a way of snowing over the fact that they've been less than thoughtfulsad. Funny I think how people that say things like that tend to be mighty sensitive when it comes to their own feelings thoughhmm

PandaOnAPushBike Wed 13-Feb-13 12:37:05

I think my MIL must have psychic powers. I was feeling sad and unloved after yesterday's phone call. But I've just taken in an unexpected parcel from her. It full of Cadbury's chocolate just for me my husband and I, lots of socks and bibs and other bits and bobs for their grandson, and a note saying they've booked time off work in April to come over for a couple of weeks and for a long weekend in July with SIL too.

Just what I needed. A prompt to focus on the positives.

armagh Wed 13-Feb-13 12:37:08

Your family sound really strange. Hiw can they just forget about inviting you to your dad's birthday party? Is it a very big family? I would be sad but wouldn't bother with them- their loss.

bestsonever Wed 13-Feb-13 12:41:12

Could you afford to put money towards their visit, taking away that as a reason for not coming?
I've spent many a hot summer in Sweden, might get baltic in winter, but the summers are generally better than in the UK IME. But it was £5 a pint about 10 years ago when I bought a round for 4 for £20 in Stockholm :-0. Hate to think what it is now. I do remember the systemsbolaget keeps strange hours and a bottle of wine is criminal. Having said that, there is more to life than drinking and the Swedes generally lead a healthier one.

MortifiedAdams Wed 13-Feb-13 12:43:32

Call them.on it. Looks to me like their lack of interest means you don't have much to lose if they take offence.

"DFamily, Im really hurt that you would travel all the way to see Aunt when you wont take the same length journey to visit me. Ive been here six years. It would be nice to be able to show you a little but of our life over here".

bestsonever Wed 13-Feb-13 12:44:21

I see it's sorted now, great. I must get over there and see some family myself soon. They are great hosts :-)

Thumbwitch Wed 13-Feb-13 12:48:27

Oh panda, how lovely of your MIL! Do you get on well with your ILs? Sounds like they're far nicer than your own family, sadly. sad

Whocansay Wed 13-Feb-13 13:12:58

YANBU. Have you checked out the Stately Homes thread?

I definitely wouldn't bother with the UK Christening. They may not even turn up.

PandaOnAPushBike Wed 13-Feb-13 13:23:52

I'm extremely lucky with my ILs. They are very kind and thoughtful people and I get on really well with them. They usually come over 3 or 4 times a year and put us up when we go back. My husband also has AS so being settled with me and our little family means so much to them. I think they thought he would be always be alone and worried so much for him. (He was 35 when he met me and had never even had a friend, let alone a girlfriend before, despite being being one of the kindest, gentlest men you could ever meet)

anonacfr Wed 13-Feb-13 13:25:49

I wouldn't be upset at them going to France rather than Sweden, I'd be upset that they're having a big family gathering and didn't even invite you.
Even if you couldn't have made they could have called/emailed to say 'we're all going to xxx for xxx's birthday, want to join us?'

Walkacrossthesand Wed 13-Feb-13 13:25:52

Panda, I'm shock @ 60th party tale- not only 'forgetting' to invite you, but then having the audacity to blame you for any embarrassment caused by your non-attendance!! You can spend a lifetime wishing your family were different - or you can defend yourself from hurt and make your friends (and lovely in-laws, by the sound of it) your family. I read a great quote elsewhere on MN -'don't make someone a priority if they make you optional' or something like that. You can't change them - so let them get on with it. It's not your fault.

LessMissAbs Wed 13-Feb-13 13:26:35

You can drive to Sweden using ferries at Hull, Newcastle or Harwich to Holland or Belguim then drive all the way on bridges. Its not much further than to the south of France. Lyon is a huge drive, and sitting on a minibus is a lot more uncomfortable that in a car.

ffs its Sweden. Its not Outer Mongolia. This "you chose to move away" attitude is so small minded. Their loss - Swedens lovely - who wouldn't want to visit a family member there?

The thing about the 60th is very telling. Do you think they are jealous of you because you have made more of a life for yourself than they have? I'm pretty sure my two aunts are jealous of me because I moved away from our home town and became more successful.

brass Wed 13-Feb-13 14:55:04

your relationship with them prior to Sweden is key. You must have fallen out over something?

It can't be this one sided for no reason. They are close to each other but not to you. Do you send them birthday cards? Not inviting you to your Dad's 60th is a massive snub.

Not having a go I just can't make sense of it.

zimbomaman Wed 13-Feb-13 16:39:32

I feel for you panda. My siblings never have days to take off or the money to afford the journey either. They do, however, go scuba diving in Egypt though. My 40th went unnoticed too but the whole gang flew over to Ireland to surprise my elder brother for his. I found out about it because DSil texted my DD hmm the day before. I find it so sad that we aren't all treated in the same way. Have your christening with those who you appreciate and who appreciate you.

Adversecamber Wed 13-Feb-13 17:00:04

I struggle to fit in with my family I am quiet and they also think I'm a snob, then again I don't get involved with criminals which a lot of my family do. It is very hurtful feeling like an outsider. Your not being over sensitive.

I agree with LessMissAbs about you being successful, some of my family think I have got above my station in life.

RememberTheGoodTimes Wed 13-Feb-13 17:08:12

Having lived abroad, I personally wouldn't expect people to be able to come over to see me.
I know my parents would make the effort. I also know my DH parents wouldn't do the trip (various reasons but not linked to the fact they wouldn't want to make the effort iyswim).

I actually think there is an issue with the AS. Your IL have clearly accepted how their ds is (and you) whereas your family hasn't. Your IL are delighted to see their ds having a family etc... and are ready to support him/you. Your family clearly still has some issue to accept you/understand how you both function.

There is also such a thing as being forgotten when you are not there.....

PandaOnAPushBike Wed 13-Feb-13 17:10:55

your relationship with them prior to Sweden is key. You must have fallen out over something?

No, honestly no specific falling out other than telling them when I'm upset and them getting angry because they don't want to have to face it. Another example, one of my sisters told me to fuck off, hung up on me and then didn't speak to me for almost a year (about 15 years ago) because I rang her and asked her why, as a nurse, she hadn't thought it necessary to take my daughter to hospital when she accidentally burnt her arm on an iron while in her care. I only found out about it a few hours later when after she dropped my daughter off and my daughter said mummy look what happened. This was on speaker phone at A&E because the staff told me to ring and find out what happened. Prior to the call they were really snotty with me as I think they thought it was down to me. After the call they couldn't have been nicer and I had to take my daughter to their burns clinic for several weeks.

I suppose that is quite specific. They don't like being put on the spot about things they do wrong. Like with the birthday party. Being questioned about me not being there made them feel uncomfortable therefore I'm the one in the wrong. Being questioned about the burn made her feel uncomfortable, therefore I am in the wrong.

It can't be this one sided for no reason. They are close to each other but not to you. Do you send them birthday cards? Not inviting you to your Dad's 60th is a massive snub.

I have always sent birthday presents to them and their children. I can't bring myself not too, even though it's never reciprocated. They don't even send a thanks or acknowledge receiving them. I did post about that once before here under a different name and was told in no uncertain terms to knock it on the head. I know that advice is right, but I can't bring myself to follow it.

Not having a go I just can't make sense of it.

Me neither. I used to think I'd been mixed up at hospital or something as a baby as I am just so different from them. Maybe it's the autism. Or perhaps growing up on a Liverpool council estate and being the only one to win a scholarship to a very posh independent school changed me somehow. Funnily enough I once joined the same church as my youngest sister. A few years down the line I was at a prayer meeting and one of the leaders said that when I first joined and they knew whose sister I was they were very wary as they thought 'oh no, here we go again' but that they quickly realised that I was quite nice and fairly normal. The others all chuckled and agreed. My sister left shortly after I joined because I'd joined.

DontEvenThinkAboutIt Wed 13-Feb-13 17:12:20

That is great news about the In Laws.

I have some family members just like yours. I don't think they mean to be nasty but they are unthinking. The problem is that I keep hoping they will change even thoughi know they won't. I can only manage my own expectations.

SignoraStronza Wed 13-Feb-13 17:25:48

No YANBU. I'm in a similar situation. Lived on mainland Europe near a well-serviced airport for five years. My mum and dad visited once and then my mum on her own twice more in that period.

I now live in the UK, about 250 miles away. Takes about 4 hours on a good run. Been here 22 months now and they've visited three times - although one of those times they were kind enough to help move some furniture.

They have a bloodyhouse in bloody France which takes eight hours to get to after an overnight ferry journey. They go at least four times a year. They always complain about how tiring the journey is. When I suggest that of they can manage that journey they can come and see us sometime my father said I am being unfair. I have two grandchildren. The 8 month old they have seen twice.

Fortunately I have a fantastic MIL.

ThatBintAgain Wed 13-Feb-13 17:26:23

Panda - I really feel for you and I know exactly where you're coming from. It's horrible when you finally take stock of your situation and realise your family are selfish gits with no interest in you or your family. I have a similar situation; I moved 90 mins away from my family and they never ever visited. However, my brother who lives on a tropical island got three visits in 12 months. hmm It shouldn't even be about whether someone else lives in a nice warm holiday destination, it's the fact that they don't care enough to visit and in 6 years not flying/not having the money is a pretty poor excuse.

I got lots of lovely support from people here when coming to terms with it all and the Stately Homes thread is a good place to start.

I'm so glad you have a lovely mother in law. Like you say, you have to concentrate on what you do have and sod the rest. I certainly wouldn't be breaking my neck to set up a Christening in the UK.

Branleuse Wed 13-Feb-13 17:32:52

if they didnt get on with you in england, theyre not going to travel.
I dont think the fact that youre a sister and the other person is only a cousin makes any difference. Id see ANY of my cousins a lot more enthusiastically than id see my brother.

lljkk Wed 13-Feb-13 17:46:11

Don't care if it's U or not, I'd be cheesed off if I were OP.

Walkacrossthesand Wed 13-Feb-13 17:51:33

Do you think they would notice if you decided just to mark birthdays with a card (if you can't bring yourself to stop that) and made no other contact - putting them resolutely out of your mind other than as a 'duty' (post a card - tick)?

Angelmist Wed 13-Feb-13 17:54:26

No!

I think the family need to explain why. I think they have been thoughtless and if they have excluded you on pupose ask them what you have done to offend them. If you haven't iffended them they need to make it up to you otherwise resentment will grow and eventually no one will be talking.

brass Wed 13-Feb-13 18:00:29

I'm shock about the burn incident with your daughter. That would have been enough for me.

OP move on with your own life and plans. Surely the AS part of you can see the logic in that wink These people will continue to punish you in this way and that will only bring more and more sadness.

arthriticfingers Wed 13-Feb-13 19:16:55

Panda YANBU; I have lived in mainland Europe for over 30 years. My mother has been about 5 or 6 times - half of those on a trip with my sister's children - they sort of dropped in.
My sisters have never been. One sister never came because 'she just could not fly' - did not seem to stop her having exotic holidays every year. When I mentioned the holidays to the others, they all rallied round her 'Oh but you should see what a state she is in before flying. hmm
If I ever mentioned going to Britain to visit them, my mother would make a big song and dance about not being sure she would be free - before I had even mentioned dates!!!
And no, I was not invited to my father's 60th either - and it was his last birthday sad
So, either I am the worst person in the whole world - or they are toxic messed up.
I think I would have noticed if I had done something so terrible they just could not be bothered.
I didn't, and neither did you.

hattymattie Wed 13-Feb-13 19:35:05

I'm in this situation and I live in France - no other specific reasons for not visiting either it's always down to us to make the effort and go to the UK. We do have a very small house and three DC's but other people's parents in the same situation will rent a cottage or something. My parents are not so hard up that they can't afford to do this. As for my siblings they could easily visit and kip on the sofa.

I do feel that maybe we're not luxurious enough for them and if we could supply glamorous french holidays they would be here like a shot.

WorriedTeenMum Wed 13-Feb-13 19:56:31

When we lived abroad in NL one of the things we factored in was paying for flights - we chose to move abroad so we couldnt expect parents to foot the whole bill of visiting.

In the time we were away parents visited regularly but siblings visited once each. TBH we arent a majorly close family.

Adversecamber Wed 13-Feb-13 20:09:46

You have never done anything wrong, I am horrified about the burn incident.

The last para of your post explains it as mentioned by another poster and myself. They see you as different due to your education. My Mother has 27 direct descendants and I am the only one that has attended University. I also married a well qualified professional, I absolutely do not fit in with them. I am deeply saddened by your post , concentrate on your immediate family and carry on being the obviously lovely person you are.

Panda, your family sound bonkers. And very rude. Don't put too much effort into them, focus on your DH and DC and the ILs who sound very sweet.

Lueji Thu 14-Feb-13 00:24:58

Ok, with a bit more background, it does sound like they really can't be that bothered about you specifically.

In that case, I wouldn't bother that much either.

Do the christening where is more convenient for you, and the family that bothers (ILs?).

HoleyGhost Thu 14-Feb-13 11:55:41

They have pigeonholed you as stuck up because you went to a posh school and have done well in life.

It sucks but you have made a new family and found happiness. Let them go.

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