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How do I hide my disgust at colleagues' affair?

(106 Posts)
BipBipBipBipBipBipBip Tue 12-Feb-13 19:37:54

Name changed as I cannot be outed over this..

Two people I have to work with are fucking. I know this as she confirmed it to my (reliable) friend and colleague while drunk at Christmas. However, it's pretty much an open secret. They have lunch together, meet up before work as well as their after work shag. (I presume they shag anyway.)

She's 35, single. He's early forty something I think, married, three children, youngest is one.

I'm finding it increasingly difficult to hide my revulsion at their affair. I have a young DC myself and find myself feeling horrific for his wife at home with the children while he fucks his subordinate.

Yes- it's none of my business, I know. But I can't stand what they're doing. How do I keep it all in? Is their affair unprofessional in itself?

Does anyone else have similar experience and can share what they did?

MechanicalTheatre Tue 12-Feb-13 19:41:02

Like you say, it's none of your business.

Just keep your nose out. Simple.

Arithmeticulous Tue 12-Feb-13 19:43:49

Is he her boss and is there any HR policy about relationships between colleagues or senior/junior staff?

TheFallenNinja Tue 12-Feb-13 19:44:17

By realising its none of your business.

youfhearted Tue 12-Feb-13 19:45:16

it is veyr common,

EverybodysSootyEyed Tue 12-Feb-13 19:50:31

This is precisely why work place relationships are not allowed in a lot of organisations. At my work, any relationship has I be disclosed to hr so they can redeploy etc if it leads to an inappropriate work relationship. Otherwise you face disciplinary.

I would struggle with this too op but there isn't really anything you can do. This will end badly though - either he will dump her and it will create bad feeling and a bad atmosphere, or he leaves his wife for her and the cat is out the bag at work. His bosses are unlikely to be impressed.

TheOwlService Tue 12-Feb-13 19:57:08

Yeah just ignore it, it really is nothing to do with you.
As much as you may dislike it unless it directly affects your own work then forget it.
Its up to them after all.

kalidanger Tue 12-Feb-13 19:57:48

You can probably actually hide your actual disgust quite easily. But you can rant here as much as you need to smile

They must think they're soooo clever hmm

EverybodysSootyEyed Tue 12-Feb-13 20:14:31

OwlService makes a good point - if it is impacting your work because she is getting treated differently then it is your business.

Is he her manager?

scaevola Tue 12-Feb-13 20:16:20

If one line managers the other, especially if appraisals are important in promotions/pay/deployment, then it needs to be reported to HR.

If not, then you have to ignore, ignore, ignore. Do not get into any form of gossiping about it at work either (even if there are like-minded people who similarly deplore).

TheFallenNinja Tue 12-Feb-13 20:37:40

So lets say that it reported to HR, then what? A broken marriage, a ruined career, unemployment?

What if the source is wrong? I worked with a pair and I would have bet my life they were at it - I was wrong, had I have gone telling tales I would have ruined two marriages for my own moral stance.

Fortunately, my moral stance is live and let live.

scaevola Tue 12-Feb-13 20:44:06

Well, if the HR department is incompetent, those scenarios might happen.

Bu what should happen is a discreet reassignment of one or both, so there is no longer a line management issue. Or if that is not possible, additional scrutiny o appraisals etc to ensure that the potential for personal bias is recognised, managed and minimised. It would be deeply unfair to all others in the workplace of the rewards system could be circumvented by sex.

If the marriage breaks, the fault lies totally with actions of the errant spouse in betraying it, not with those who are want to have a fair and equal workplace.

EverybodysSootyEyed Tue 12-Feb-13 20:46:24

the fact that he is married is kind of irrelevant to HR - all they care about is that the work environment is not affected by an inappropriate relationship. That could be the woman getting an unfair advantage, or it could be others perceiving a problem and creating an unpleasant work environment.

There is nothing more damaging to a workplace than a lack of respect for management and a feeling of unfairness

carlywurly Tue 12-Feb-13 20:48:50

This happened to me, both were friends and it was obvious for ages to me what was going to happen. I felt for his wife but didn't know her and took the view that it was not at all my place to say anything.

He did eventually leave his wife, and we are still all mates, but nowhere near as close as before.

I agree that it's common, have seen it so many times at different work places. Hard to watch though, especially if you've ever been on the receiving end or dc's are involved. hmm

motherinferior Tue 12-Feb-13 20:49:25

If it's interfering with work, it might be a problem.

Otherwise...well, sweetie, I'd bet the farm that he isn't the only person in your office who's married/in a long-term relationship and has had sex with someone else during that relationship.

DontmindifIdo Tue 12-Feb-13 20:50:06

I would watch myself around them both, people rarely only screw over one person (this bloke's DW) and then treat everyone else with respect and with fairness.

Also, do'nt feel that you need to hide that you know.

BluelightsAndSirens Tue 12-Feb-13 20:58:45

As others have said, it all depends on the position they hold within the company.

motherinferior Tue 12-Feb-13 21:01:43

But really, you know nothing about his marriage. You don't know if his wife does actually know, or they have an open relationship, or she is having a flamboyant lesbian affair. (Or, of course, if she is completely ignorant and is being taken for a fool.) But it really isn't (a) uncommon (b) your business.

BipBipBipBipBipBipBip Tue 12-Feb-13 21:56:03

He is her line manager, he's not mine. However I have to work with her on an almost daily basis and would have to go to him if there was an issue with anything. Therefore, reluctantly it is my business.

What isn't my business is their personal life. But I cannot help but feel disgusted at their behaviour. They may be swingers, but swingers don't have 'affairs' do they? Which is what the woman described it to the colleague at Christmas.

bodencatalogue Tue 12-Feb-13 22:35:00

Just to add to the overwhelming majority on this so far.

It really is none of your business and it goes on all the time.

You don't have to hide your "disgust" about something you do not really know anything about but if he is in a senior position to you even if he isn't your line manager I would think twice about showing that you are sticking your nose in taking the moral high ground

BipBipBipBipBipBipBip Tue 12-Feb-13 22:43:01

It's not hard to feel morally superior to them, frankly.

MechanicalTheatre Tue 12-Feb-13 22:45:05

How is it your business because you have to speak to him sometimes?

The idea of moral superiority is pretty laughable, really.

BluelightsAndSirens Tue 12-Feb-13 22:51:38

I can see where you are coming from and him being her line manager makes it even more of a cliche.

I wouldn't hide my disgust in what they were doing and you certainly shouldn't feel obliged to cover up for them but the key is to stay professional.

That said I'm a wife with 4 children and would welcome anyone with rock solid evidence that my DH was being a fucking cheating bastard, hear say wouldn't work.

CabbageLeaves Tue 12-Feb-13 22:53:17

Happens lots in my workplace. Keep out is my best advice. Be professional but cool with them

HollyBerryBush Tue 12-Feb-13 22:57:13

Other peoples sex lives are none of your business. None whatsosever.

ItsAFuckingVase Tue 12-Feb-13 22:57:57

I think that given all you have is a bit of gossip, you don't really need to be getting outraged on his wife's behalf. There might not be anything actually going on, there might be. His wife may know, or she may not. It's not really any of your business!

amillionyears Tue 12-Feb-13 22:58:46

Dont get caught in the cross fire.

sparkina Tue 12-Feb-13 23:00:24

You should mind your own business and stop personalising it. This is not your husband who's cheating and not your kids who are affected.

ReturnOfEmeraldGreen Tue 12-Feb-13 23:02:30

It's all part of (office) life, let it go.

badinage Tue 12-Feb-13 23:08:23

I think it's hard not to feel disgusted but unless it affects you professionally or it's compromising the company's business, it's best to be cool and businesslike around them. If one of them asks you for an opinion on what's going on, you can be as honest as you like of course. One thing I wouldn't do though is to pass on information based on a third party's evidence. Not to protect them, but to protect the man's wife from gossip and rumours. The other thing is, how do you know they definitely lunch together and are seeing eachother before and after work? Could it be a case of finding 'evidence' to fit the rumour you've heard and coming to the wrong conclusions?

Bogeyface Tue 12-Feb-13 23:09:08

I totally understand your outrage. What they are doing is wrong.

However, I dont think that there is much you can do. I would say though that if there is ever and issue with your colleague that you have to report to him, CC in your own line manager at the same time. If asked you can say that you felt that it was best as you both have different managers, and you can then be sure that he wont brush it under the carpet or try to make out that you are the one at fault simply because he is shagging her.

I would be mad as hell too though.

AnyFucker Tue 12-Feb-13 23:17:53

I would withdraw completely from anything other than cool, distant, professional dealings with both of them

if you are 100% sure it is true, of course

Feckthehalls Tue 12-Feb-13 23:19:51

by getting off your high horse and keeping your nose out.
Easy

Bogeyface Tue 12-Feb-13 23:21:33

by getting off your high horse and keeping your nose out.

I take from that that you have had an affair yourself and certainly never experienced the devastation of being cheated on.

AnyFucker Tue 12-Feb-13 23:30:13

I think you can judge as much as you like. But getting involved might put your neck on the line, so cool distance is the key.

If the wife was a personal friend of mine though...I would be singing like a canary

BipBipBipBipBipBipBip Wed 13-Feb-13 04:25:04

All this 'high horse' stuff is an idiotic response. Honestly, some of the bitchy responses on here are pathetically simplistic.

Sometimes, people do have the moral high ground. I wouldn't knowingly fuck a married man, for instance, nor would I cheat.

I would never say anything about their sordid relationship. But I still think he's a cunting wanker and she's a home wrecking skank if it's definitely true.

Anyway, have to go, teething and upset child.

izzyizin Wed 13-Feb-13 05:01:27

You're free to think what you want. Acting on your thoughts is another matter entirely and, in this case, is something to be avoided.

When professing It's not hard to feel morally superior to them, frankly perhaps you should give some consideration to the saying 'judge not, lest you be judged'.

BipBipBipBipBipBipBip Wed 13-Feb-13 05:04:16

Oh I judge alright. I will judge them as much as I want.

Because I can't fucking help it and I'm not Jesus

izzyizin Wed 13-Feb-13 05:16:20

You're beginning to sound a tad irrational. This may be due to teething/child and lack of sleep, but you are best advised to keep your high moral stance out of the workplace as frothing at the mouth about the alleged behavour of colleagues is not a good look.

scaevola Wed 13-Feb-13 06:57:54

My posts earlier on need to inform HR, as line management and sexual relaytionships don't mix, applies irrespective of marital status of the participants.

LovesBeingWokenEveryNight Wed 13-Feb-13 07:07:05

You can feel however want it is you right however whilst at work you are paid to be civil and professional and therefore must not show any sign of this. If you feel this is a matter for your employers to deal with then report it, other than that there is nothing to be done about it.

AThingInYourLife Wed 13-Feb-13 07:22:50

Of course you feel superior to this pair of scumbags.

Just keep it to yourself.

CabbageLeaves Wed 13-Feb-13 07:24:10

My HR wouldn't give a toss about sexual shenanigans between any grade of staff. All adults - they wouldn't police sex lives However if there was a work issue caused by the relationship they would get involved. It's a very clear differentiation though.... A work issue ...not a personal moral outrage issue

OP I'd share your disgust but it is a workplace. Be professional. Public displays of affection shouldn't be tolerated nor should public displays of outrage

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 13-Feb-13 07:48:43

"But I cannot help but feel disgusted at their behaviour. "

That's your perogative. There are a lot of horrible things going on in the world. Two people shagging is hardly the pinnacle of evil.... hmm Hope your own behaviour is squeaky-clean btw. 'Let he who is without sin cast the first stone' and all that....

LessMissAbs Wed 13-Feb-13 11:38:49

Just ignore it. It doesn't sound like it has any adverse impact on your work. You don't have any right to be a moral parameter for your work colleagues.

Do you also feel the same way about other criminals living in your neighbourhood and take action against, for example, local drunk drivers, or vandals?

Far worse happens than this, it is perhaps a problem to you if you cannot stop thinking about it.

deXavia Wed 13-Feb-13 11:52:57

But other than your friend's gossip and a few lunches together how do you know for sure they are having an affair?
When I was in my early 20's it was widely believed I was having an affair with my boss. I wasn't. Bugger all I could do - protest and that was proof, ignore it and that was proof. Bloody awful situation - and I'm sure his wife having to hear the rumors hated it even more! In the end I moved to a different part of company in a different city. Natural career move but I was very happy to get away from the situation. I can assure you that I detested the gossipy fishwives who put myself, him and his family in that situation
So keep your nose out and unless you actually see them going at it on the boardroom table - don't assume you know anything.

Abitwobblynow Wed 13-Feb-13 13:40:31

It's funny how everyone expresses shock and support to all the devastated wives on this thread, and then says 'it is none of your business'. This is why our 'individualistic' society has more bad behaviour than, say, Islamic. Because nobody is held to account.

I suppose what you could do, is download Linda J Macdonald's 'What will you become?' and post it P&C to him at work.

That is a hard hitting essay about the consequences of destroying your life and yourself - it would let him know that people around him know and disapprove (ie a boundary), it would break their selfish little bubble but with no confrontation or comeback.

MorrisZapp Wed 13-Feb-13 13:44:42

Wobbly, it isn't her business. It's not up to her or anybody else to hold them to account. It's a private matter.

Abitwobblynow Wed 13-Feb-13 13:48:16

So she is just 'projecting' is she, Morris?

She is the one with the pathology, and it is up to her to manage her feelings. I see.

I wonder if anyone else can see the split of this thread.

calypso2008 Wed 13-Feb-13 13:50:06

You sound quite nutty ... you know absolutely nothing for fact but are highly, unreasonably emotive about a piece of gossip.

It really is not your business. And stop using words like 'fucking' - you don't know what they are doing at all.

MorrisZapp Wed 13-Feb-13 13:50:19

Sorry wobbly, I don't really understand.

GreatUncleEddie Wed 13-Feb-13 13:51:23

It might be a private matter. But it's still wrong. Are we not allowed to say anything is wrong nowadays? What bollocks.

calypso2008 Wed 13-Feb-13 13:53:52

Weird, weird OP.

It is all second hand hearsay. I don't understand either why you are at home with children, yet you work with these people?

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 13-Feb-13 13:58:15

"This is why our 'individualistic' society has more bad behaviour than, say, Islamic. Because nobody is held to account."

Really?..... I'd rather live in a liberal society where people largely let others get on with their own personal lives than one where others are so eager to keep women (mostly) in their place that they mete out terrible punishments. hmm

The OP is allowed to be appalled, disgusted, horrified or whatever.... but it's very bad form to be a busybody.

izzyizin Wed 13-Feb-13 14:18:50

This is why our 'individualistic' society has more bad behaviour than, say, Islamic. Because nobody is held to account

I can't recall reading anything more full of crap on this site than that particular statement.

Are you advocating stoning for the 'crime' of adultery, wobbly? If so, I have no doubt the OP will provide a rock or 10 as it seems she's come here for the purpose of whipping up a group of virtual vigilantes to condemn her colleagues for their alleged affair.

As the OP is without sin and as, no doubt, her h is equally above reproach it's unlikely she'll require the services of this board in any hour of need caused by infidelity.

However, those who genuinely require support and advice in these matters will continue to receive a sympathetic hearing and benefit from the collective wisdom of those who aren't as fortunate as the OP.

Abitwobblynow Wed 13-Feb-13 14:19:08

What I am talking about is a split: when people hold two separate, contradictory thoughts in their heads, whilst not being aware of it. So, for instance, animal rights activists who neglect their children/batter their partners (and there are many).
Or, people who are passionately against the death penalty, but hit their children.

Which is what this thread is doing. ON ONE HAND MN pours outrage and scorn on nasty H's and wicked OWs to devastated wives and express outrage that they could do such a painful thing, yet SIMULTANEOUSLY on the other require strict neutrality and lack of involvement on the other.

Yet in many communities which are still communal, not yet as fragmented as the (rather sick) Western nuclear family, the gossip and approbrium is such that people will still to this day, say 'what you are doing is disgusting'. And that happened in your culture not that long ago - before free love, man (the baby boomers). You do know the different generations? The Greatest Generation (WWI and WWII), Baby Boomers, Generation X, Millenials. - I just forgot you might not know the terms.....

Is that enough of an explanation for you.

Sorry you find it uncomfortable to have this mirror held up to you.

This person is expressing genuine outrage and pain at witnessing something she knows is wrong and is already causing enormous pain (wives lose out badly in affairs), and you are all implying she is pathological (ie, having an unhealthy reaction) - whilst you hold the hands of betrayed wives!!! Who is nutty?

Yet, if you witnessed a child bullying another child or a man beating a child or woman (other scenarios which causes the witness emotional anguish), you would not say 'it's none of my business' - would you?

Abitwobblynow Wed 13-Feb-13 14:22:02

Izzy that is conflating two issues. Not everything about the Islamic community is good, but not everything about it is bad, either (more evidence of split thinking)

You are a great wife hand-holder. So why do you hold two contradictory views, simultaneously, do you think?

calypso2008 Wed 13-Feb-13 14:24:19

errr ... she has witnessed NOTHING! That is why people are a bit hmm
To 'feel outrage and pain' at witnessing nothing and speculating, as one poster earlier says, is damaging. Absolutely nothing may be going on.

It is nutty.

And also crazy to compare it to witnessing a child bullying another child.

calypso2008 Wed 13-Feb-13 14:27:02

The OP is long gone - don't forget - she had to change her identity so as to not 'out' herself, while seeing to teething children, yet observing this 'fucking' all 'au meme temps'

GladbagsGold Wed 13-Feb-13 14:29:58

I think my boss is having an affair and I feel your angst, OP. It is none of my business (except that its probably in works time and expenses paid for hotels) but its just WRONG. I don't have proof that it is definitely happening and that his wife definitely doesn't know. And I am not the moral police. So I do nothing. But I have seen the fall out of of horrible cheating bastard behaviour before and don't like not sticking up for/doing something proactively for his wife. It is a horrible feeling.

PostBellumBugsy Wed 13-Feb-13 14:30:27

Be very,very careful about what you have heard.

I was the subject of speculation in a previous workplace where it was brought to my attention that I was shagging the CEO. I was horrified - really, really horrified that colleagues were saying this about me - given there wasn't a shred of truth to it.

If you are absolutely 100% sure of what is going on and you have to work with this woman, then you could say "Look, I have to work with you, but I feel uncomfortable with your relationship with The Boss." Although, I'm not sure what good that would do. You may feel better that you had voiced your disapproval - but to what end? If she is shagging the boss, then she certainly won't be singing your praises to him!

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS Wed 13-Feb-13 14:33:04

Happened lots in my old workplace. I just kept my nose out.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 13-Feb-13 14:43:23

"ON ONE HAND MN pours outrage and scorn on nasty H's and wicked OWs to devastated wives and express outrage that they could do such a painful thing, yet SIMULTANEOUSLY on the other require strict neutrality and lack of involvement on the other."

I don't get your point. When presented with a devastated wife faced with the awful truth of an affair and looking for sympathy/advice/etc , of course the response is different than someone getting huffy about behaviour that has nothing to do with them.

Happened to me in a previous job. Nightmare as I worked closely with the two people and managed one of them. Made my life at work awful and I left in the end as the person that worked for me as just doing what she fancied day in day out and I could do nothing.

badinage Wed 13-Feb-13 15:04:06

Although it's got fuck all to do with this thread, because I queried myself whether the OP was finding evidence to fit the bit of gossip she'd been told by the reliable (if not discreet) colleague, I do see Wobbly's point, which is a nuanced version of 'for evil to flourish, all it takes is a few good men to do nothing.'

I do think that on some social issues, people have got a bit hand-wringing and lily-livered about making judgements about behaviour that is demonstrably shitty and unacceptable. As if being judgemental is a worse offence than lying, sneaking around, defrauding relationships and workplaces of commitment and energy? On some issues I do bloody judge and I'm fine with that. Doesn't mean the people are irredeemable, or that they are all bad. But they are doing a shitty thing, make no mistake.

BipBipBipBipBipBipBip Wed 13-Feb-13 15:23:40

Eh- she admitted the affair to a colleague. Said colleague told me as she wanted to unburden and worried it would affect her job. She has otherwise kept it to herself on my advice, ironically enough.

What's with all the biblical references on here? Piss off.

Secondly, some people do work and look after teething children. What a stupid comment.

Thirdly, I thought describing someone as nutty is frowned upon here?

And I will sign off by saying that if your husband is up to his balls in some tramp he works with, I sincerely hope you are equally as understanding.

I pity you nasty posters.

youfhearted Wed 13-Feb-13 15:26:09

you are nice

flowery Wed 13-Feb-13 15:31:37

You say you are finding it hard to conceal your disgust. How exactly would you reveal your disgust?

Unless you are friends with either of them or the wife, how would it even come up?

You are perfectly entitled to disapprove of something someone else is doing, but unless it affects you or you have a personal relationship with the wife or something, it really isn't your business to express that disapproval.

calypso2008 Wed 13-Feb-13 15:42:45

nutty is fine. Espeically when you are being nutty.

'fucking' and 'up to his balls in some tramp', 'piss off', 'nasty posters' - less so.

All on a whim hmm

calypso2008 Wed 13-Feb-13 15:49:43

Actually, I have a genius idea for you - don't hide your disgust. Don't - go ahead - vent your anger on those you feel deserve it.

I think it will all work out for the best for you - I am sure your colleagues will respect you even more than they already do. grin

izzyizin Wed 13-Feb-13 16:11:16

I second calypso. Pure genius grin

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 13-Feb-13 16:35:22

Piss off yourself... smile Are you actually jealous of this woman? Worried that she has undue influence over the boss? Fancy a go at him yourself?...

fromparistoberlin Wed 13-Feb-13 16:39:22

not sure why everyone is being so sniffy to OP?????

OP I get it, my CEO was fucking people, and I knew he and his wife had suffered a stillborn. Really made me look at him differently

IF it really bugs you send them an anonymous emails or note

But dont DONT get caught!!!!

fuckers

fromparistoberlin Wed 13-Feb-13 16:41:14

and it is her business, she works with them and witnesses them heading off

we would not be expected to disregard fraud, abuse or theft

Yes she is supposed to turn a blind eye to this?

I dont understand you people!

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 13-Feb-13 16:43:34

Because the OP is a self-righteous loon.... They've waded in at the full 8.6 on the Richter scale not 'looking at someone differently' (sensible response) but going on like some demented nun about disgust at the fucking and being appalled at the fucking and how revolting and horrific all the fucking is .... which is hardly the language of the moral high-ground and rather more typical of the lower fifth common room. (Hey. Is it half-term already?)

flowery Wed 13-Feb-13 16:44:06

What do you think she should do then fromparis?

In a work environment where these people are only the OPs colleagues, in no way is this comparable to fraud, abuse or theft.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 13-Feb-13 16:45:13

Fraud, abuse and theft are criminal offences. Against the law. Sleeping with a willing partner may be immoral in the wrong context but it's not yet criminal as far as I know...

Adversecamber Wed 13-Feb-13 16:46:24

People are supposed to declare relationships where I work. I wouldn't like it if that makes me a prude so be it. I wouldn't actually do anything about it though.

fromparistoberlin Wed 13-Feb-13 16:47:39

she should be able to have a rant here without getting pounced on and ripped to threads at the very least

Its not nice to witness, not nice at all

JamieandtheMagicTorch Wed 13-Feb-13 16:54:58

People behaving in an immoral and destructive way pretty much disgusts me, even though it's "none of my business".

Although if it affects the work environment it might be my business.

People should realise that sleeping with work colleagues isn't going to endear others to them.

Blackden Wed 13-Feb-13 16:57:03

But people need to be sure before they start making accusations. I'm not the only one reading this thread who has been suspected, erroneously, of having an affair at work. I didn't find out about the rumours, which several people believed, until I'd left the workplace. It was still awful to deal with.

flowery Wed 13-Feb-13 16:58:57

I think it's the tone and language used by the OP that have influenced the responses she's had.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Wed 13-Feb-13 17:15:09

flowery

yes it's a bit sweary. She sounds more angry than I might. But it's a bit annoying to be accused of being on a moral high horse when you are just expressing an opinion about something you feel strongly about.

It's a tricky one. OP should not gossip, should hide her disgust, but as someone on Page 1 said, this could have real implications for how Management is perceived and therefore it's ability to operate effectively

JamieandtheMagicTorch Wed 13-Feb-13 17:15:34

its

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 13-Feb-13 17:15:59

"Its not nice to witness, not nice at all"

Stick around smile Here on MN we are quite lovely to people deserving of help but self-righteous holier-than-thou types tend to get short shrift... Just like real life, in fact.

izzyizin Wed 13-Feb-13 17:19:33

Just like real life in the UK, Cog, but not necessarily like real life in Islamic societies where women have been, and continue to be, stoned or hung to death for little more than an allegation by self-righteous holier-than-thou types such as the OP and her ilk.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Wed 13-Feb-13 17:25:26

Cogito

She hasn't been given short shrift by everyone though. MN is not one opinion

sunny177 Wed 13-Feb-13 17:27:46

Omg this is exactly what my ex did. Shagging a work colleague before work after work and on odd days off. Taking my dd on dates too and she was only 1! We had 3 children and the eldest was 9. I feel v sorry for his wife who probably doesn't even have an inkling they are unhappily married like I was! Some men just can't keep it in their pants. If I was you I think I would have to say something to her about what she is messing with. After I found out and she was landed with him she decided the kids and him wasn't actually what she wanted surprise, surprise!

youfhearted Wed 13-Feb-13 17:28:51

i dont know what i would do in OP's position.
if you dont feel you can hide your disgust op, then don't.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Wed 13-Feb-13 17:31:35

izzy

I'd say the disgust might be stronger towards the man actually. And that you are extrapolating wildly

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 13-Feb-13 17:36:47

" MN is not one opinion"

You are quite right. I use the personal pronoun 'we' in the figurative sense...

JamieandtheMagicTorch Wed 13-Feb-13 17:38:59

The Royal "we"? grin

Sorry, I normally agree totally with you Cogito

flowery Wed 13-Feb-13 17:39:37

I get wanting to rant. I also get feeling morally superior, providing of course the OP has never done anything similar.

But she is coming across as really disproportionately angry, as though she is personally involved, and the "tramp", "skank" etc language unfortunately make her sound rather an unpleasant individual.

MorrisZapp Wed 13-Feb-13 17:51:11

Fraud, abuse and theft are illegal. Adultery is not.

Tryharder Wed 13-Feb-13 17:53:50

If 2 people are having a relationship which is conducted off work premises, they are relatively discreet and the relationship does not impact on you, then what on earth has it got to do with you?

If you complain about them or make a fuss, you will just make yourself look either jealous or unstable.

brass Wed 13-Feb-13 18:23:14

LOL at the fickle mumsnet stance!

broken relationships, cheating husbands, divorce, DC caught in the crossfire -usually gets a 'kill the cunting bastard and feed his balls to the baying hounds' type response but here it's 'meh...live and let live'

youfhearted Wed 13-Feb-13 18:30:44

yes and a different day, different wording, would ahve been a whole different ball game

lemonstartree Wed 13-Feb-13 18:50:14

my goodness, what vitriol. You sound quite unhinged OP. Why does gossip about what MAY be happening bother you so much ?

amillionyears Wed 13-Feb-13 18:51:56

I dont think it is the case brass.

The op does not have absolute prrof.
And she doesnt know the ow.
And it is a workplace scenario.

Everybody can go round shouting all sorts from the rooftops, but some can also end up in court for slander.

Selba Wed 13-Feb-13 23:58:57

it's nonsense that there is a contradiction here between "kill the bastard" and "live and let live'

Lots of people do not subscribe to the "kill the bastard " stance. It's by no means universal

Selba Thu 14-Feb-13 00:00:12

and I agree with get off your high horse but apparently that means I have had affairs .
what an utterly bizarre extrapolation

Abitwobblynow Thu 14-Feb-13 05:55:24

it's nonsense that there is a contradiction here between "kill the bastard" and "live and let live'

Denial is such a wonderful thing. It you deem it not to exist, you don't have to think about it!

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 14-Feb-13 06:44:57

Denial?? hmm This is quite the opposite, surely. i.e. we all live in the real world where people do bad things. If the boss and his girlfriend were regularly propping up the local bar and then driving home drunk, the OP would be quite entitled to call in the cops. If they had their fingers in the till, ditto. If their affair is causing one or the other to compromise the business, show favouritism or some other material effect, then it might be time to leap in. But this is, as the OP correctly stated at the outset, none of their business. It's a private matter.

What if the OP was a member of a group that frowned on homosexuality and discovered the boss was gay? They'd probably be just as professionally offended at the immorality of the situation ... would it give them the right to sound off at work?

amillionyears Thu 14-Feb-13 07:51:34

Abitwobblynow, from what I can remember, I think I often agree with your posts.

But I think you are wide of the mark this time.
There are thousands of individuals on MN, as well as a few groups.
For your pov to be correct, I think you would have to know that the exact posters that do quite often say "leave the b......", are some of the same ones on here saying "turning a blind eye".
And even then, as in life, there are sometimes exceptional circumstances where even the most consistent people think that, well actually, a general rule that they hold does not apply this time.

flowery Thu 14-Feb-13 07:56:08

I don't think there's inconsistency at all.

If it were the cheater's wife posting I would not advise her to turn a blind eye

If it were someone with a close personal relationship with the cheater's wife I would not advise them to turn a blind eye.

But this is someone with no personal involvement at all, who just knows these people through work. What should she do other than turn a blind eye? Form an opinion, sure. Express it to them or anyone else? No.

practicality Thu 14-Feb-13 10:47:00

Well......one way of dealing with this may be to approach the married boss. He is the skank in this situation as he is the person who has made vows to his wife.

You could go in and say you are sorry to hear he has broken up with his wife and you are impressed with how well he is coping at work considering the strain he must be under. He will in all likelihood say he hasn't split from his wife and wherever did you get that idea from. At that point you can bluster and apologise and let him know you understood him to be in a relationship with x owing to what she has said. It may help nip it in the bud and allow you to offload. The reality check may help him consider the morality of his behaviour for himself.

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