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Practicalities

(66 Posts)
Mosman Tue 12-Feb-13 06:56:45

So it would seem my husband has tripped over and landed dick first in somebody else's vagina.
Being the practical type usually but currently curled up in a ball, what are the practicalities of these situations please ?
THank you

scaevola Tue 12-Feb-13 07:05:16

Many and various.

Start by recognising you are in shock, and won't be making good decisions for a while. Try to avoid making the big, permanent decisions for a few months.

But might you find it easier to think, and work possible options for the future, if you separate? Does he yet know that you know?

Mosman Tue 12-Feb-13 08:14:07

He confessed so yes he knows i know

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 12-Feb-13 08:20:07

I always think the best first step is to ask them to leave and let you get your head together without them breathing down your neck. You can't make good decisions when someone is around trying to influence your thinking. Get yourself some space to think, get support from others, get information from agencies and professionals.... then you can make a considered decision about what you want to happen next.

Mosman, I hope that, should I ever have the misfortune to be in deep shock, I gain your sense of humour. The way you described your DH's infidelity had me rofling. Was it just the once, or had he perfected the manoevre?

Mosman Tue 12-Feb-13 08:27:10

Thank you, I have to say talent like that really shouldn't go to waste but i'm choosing to believe it was just once they were at the hotel together, presumably you wouldn't go to that kind of effort and not get through a pack of three at least though. I'd like to think he spent my money wisely.

scaevola Tue 12-Feb-13 08:40:48

Would murder be an option?

Do you know why he confessed? Has he ended it? What does he say his intentions are? ie what are you faced with?

It's desperately unfair that you get landed with all the shit as a result of what he did.

Your first priority is to yourself and your DCs. You need, really need, to look after yourself in the first weeks - the shock is akin to medical shock, and it can be an effort to remember to eat and sleep, let alone do anything else. But you just have to get through it somehow. Not having him there in your face can be very helpful. Would you consider asking him to leave for a few weeks whilst you work through the initial processing of what has happened and think about options for the future? Including whether you want him in that future?

SnowBusiness Tue 12-Feb-13 09:19:52

mosman nooo!

Is he australian? Do you have to consider whether you would be stuck there if you divorce? Downunderdolly may have very practical advice if you pm her.

First and best practical advice: eat little and often, rest, and get some fresh air each day. Neglecting your body will make things worse.

Would he agree to leaving the family home for at least a few days to allow you thinking space? Unfortunately, if he refuses to leave you can't force him to do so, and leaving yourself is not a good idea. (a person can only be forced/locked out of the family home immediately for violence).

Is there a close and sensible friend nearby who could come round and help you with DC, etc for a day or two? Tempting though it might be to involve your mum or sister or someone who will threaten to cut your H's nuts off and feed them to him, someone who can do the quiet, practial, 'there there' type of support without fuelling your rage or pressuring you to forgive him at once would be useful.
Best of louck. Whatever happens, 'this too shall pass'.

Mosman Tue 12-Feb-13 10:33:18

I've punched him in the head [not proud]

scaevola Tue 12-Feb-13 10:38:09

Don't worry about that - unless you've been in the habit of hitting him at other times. One irrational and atypical outburst at the very moment of discovery doesn't count.

SnowBusiness Tue 12-Feb-13 10:39:36

Mosman, it's a shocking situation for both of you. I love your posts (am a NCer) and have links to where you are.

What is he saying to you? Did he tell you or did you discover him? I'd ask him to leave, if only for a few days so that you can get your head together a bit. Do you have anyone near by who can come and drink wine with you hold your hand?

Mosman Tue 12-Feb-13 10:56:11

Will post more when i'm in private but same person, fucked twice, one met up with tried to fuck didn't within our first year of marriage and next one just a year ago, on our door step.
Whilst I was holding down a full time job and looking after 4 kids on my own whilst he played worked away.

Mosman Tue 12-Feb-13 10:57:00

One every 2.5 years of marriage.
Bastard

Mosman Tue 12-Feb-13 10:57:24

am drinking and smoking heavily. feel shit.

SnowBusiness Tue 12-Feb-13 11:54:11

Oh FUCK. You'd be feeling like shit whether you didn't drink or smoke, so don't worry about that.

I'd get him out now. You can change your mind later. Why did he tell you?

You poor, poor thing.

Mosman Tue 12-Feb-13 12:01:51

I caught him out online, she replies to a text he sent in 2009 and he decides to relive their funtimes and i said no you don't buddy.
Manage to drag out of him yesterday that he'd fucked her and then today i knew it wasn't all out so said right this is your chance to at least clear your conscience and it turns out he met the first one when we had been married for less than a year, second/third is my fault, not enough attention ie knee deep in three little kids and the fourth time he has no explanation for, life was good, marriage fine just had a new baby who he idolises - again i am working my arse off to keep us afloat and he's banging some tart.

SnowBusiness Tue 12-Feb-13 12:06:58

Not good, not good at all. At least he has told you of torrid things you knew nothing of, so it could be the whole truth. For tonight, it would seem you need to prepare for a long road. Nothing will be resolved in the first few days and not much in the first few weeks.

Are you going to work tomorrow?

izzyizin Tue 12-Feb-13 12:09:43

Feeling like shit goes with with territory, honey, but that feeling will disappear once you have decided what to do about the shit.

There's a place for booze & fags and you're in it, but you'll be able to put these crutches back in the cupboard when you've processed the shock of your discovery.

In order to explore the myriad feelings of hurt and pain betrayal inevitably invokes, allow yourself time to wallow before metaphorically rolling your sleeves up and setting to work on rearranging your altered circumstances to suit yourself.

scaevola Tue 12-Feb-13 12:13:14

So he didn't confess - you caught him out.

I had wondered if he'd made a terrible mistake, but actually had a conscience and so owned up freely with the hope that by laying it open he could fully repent, seek healing etc. But no; you had to drag it out of him, and now he's trying to blame you.

Have you got a RL confidante nearby? You might not want to tell the world yet, but having someone you trust will make a difference.

Have you told him to leave?

Major outburst (already achieved?) followed by icy dignity might be a practical approach. Show him what he's chucking away.

Mosman Tue 12-Feb-13 12:24:10

I am never going to work again, I have worked my arse off for this family and look how i've been repaid, oh no, over to him, he is going to keep me in the style of which i am accustomed one way or another.

izzyizin Tue 12-Feb-13 12:28:39

That's the spirit - have another wine grin

TheSecondComing Tue 12-Feb-13 12:30:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

izzyizin Tue 12-Feb-13 12:31:03

Aiming for the wallet can inflict a lot more long lasting damage than a quick reflex punch to a betrayer's noddle. You go, gal smile

Sunnywithshowers Tue 12-Feb-13 14:23:02

Oh shit mosman, what a bastard.

More wine for you.

WhatSheSaid Tue 12-Feb-13 23:57:26

Mosman you might want to double check the situation re options about living in Aus/UK. Yes I know the stuff about not being able to come back to the UK with the dcs normally (I'm in NZ, similar laws here). I'm not sure if it applies if you have only recently moved there and haven't got PR yet. It's worth checking out -some Oz MNers may know more - or CAB, solicitors etc. You may not wish to go back but it is still good to know what the options are.

May be talking complete rubbish, could be the law from when you first set foot on Aussie soil, but worth checking.

And yes, I agree, what a cunt he is.

Mosman Wed 13-Feb-13 01:36:21

I think i am better off in Australia, there's no support at all for me in the UK at least i do have friends here and we were trying to build a life here, otherwise not only has the last 10 years been a pack of lies but it's all been for nothing.
I need to think things through, wait for PR, he's going for counselling because he's not right in the head quite honestly. I am the 2nd wife and this is the 2nd marriage he's screwed up with his infidelities.
His Dad is on his 4th marriage so that should have been a huge red flag but you hope that we aren't our parents don't we, i know I do.
We have the house in the UK which I would want 100% of, I've paid more into that than he has.
And then there's child support which at least has teeth out here, they do attachment of earnings etc which the UK just will shrug and say he's in Australia we can do nothing, i've been there before with my eldest's father.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Wed 13-Feb-13 01:55:03

Mosman, I'm really sorry. I'm at least roughly in the same time zone as you (well, three hours ahead!) so if you need to rant, I'm happy to listen.

This is the guy for whose 'self esteem' you moved to Australia, although you were happy and fully employed in the UK, yes?

And it's the same person, four times? Over ten years? Does she live in Australia or the UK?

I am totally livid for you that he is STILL blaming you for the "second and third times" because he didn't get laid enough, poor diddums. But I'm also pretty convinced that this is not the full story. History of infidelity? Working away? One woman, four times, over ten years? Nuh uh, there's been others.

WhatSheSaid Wed 13-Feb-13 02:52:31

Good point about getting the child support from him here while it would be harder if you were back in the UK. I'm glad you feel you have some support in Oz, what an utterly shit thing to happen when you have just moved across the world. Well, it's an utterly shit thing to happen wherever you are, but you know what I mean.

Is he still in the same house or has he left?

Mosman Wed 13-Feb-13 06:23:09

He's still here, nowhere to go and I can't have him loose his job otherwise i seriously am up the creek.
Plus I am seriously barely functioning if i'm honest for the kids to not be in danger I need him around.

I've emailed his parents and told them so at least i need never engage with those freaks ever again, that's a positive grin

SnowBusiness Wed 13-Feb-13 10:40:11

You're hopefully in bed now catching up on some sleep. Hang on in there, you need to go through each day/ hour at time. How old are your children, do they know?

fiventhree Wed 13-Feb-13 19:42:57

Poor you M.

I know it's early days but can I just say that if you are planning to do anything rash re work, please leave it a little while.

I'm not sure where you are, but in the last 20 years it is a sad truth that women who don't work at all lose their skills as far as employers see it. There may come a time where this h of yours becomes unreliable and does this again and /or the kids are older and life changes in other ways, and it can be hard to get back in.

That doesn't mean keeping up a full time job, of course, but do keep up your employability skills.

Mosman Thu 14-Feb-13 06:11:00

He wants to go for counselling.

I am kind of blaming myself a bit because I did accidentally introduce the person to him via fucking hunsnet.

What I cannot get out of my head or around at all is the fact that he drove from Manchester to Brighton to fuck this this person, I mean that's a long time in the car to think about what your doing isn't it ? To stop, buy condoms, massage oil and to have every opportunity to turn around and not do it.
He's bought a packet of condoms and didn't waste any, stayed for breakfast, cuddled I presume, talked after this event and then made arrangements to do it again.
Is any relate/counselling every going to help me "get over" that ?

I keep trying to weigh up what will happen and from what I can see going forward my life will be worse if I leave him and worse if I stay.

WhatSheSaid Thu 14-Feb-13 07:19:00

I've introduced my dh to plenty of my female friends but he's never fucked any of them. Don't go blaming yourself!

SnowBusiness Thu 14-Feb-13 10:39:54

You're in a new reality and it's a shit one. However, it will become clearer as time goes on - the smoke will dissipate after the bomb's gone off.

It's not your fault. It is his. You need some time to adjust and wait for the shock to wear off. Counselling is a good idea, even if you just do it for yourself to help you come to terms with what's happened and then you can decide if you want to do couples counselling to see if you can fix it. No one will think badly if you do or don't stay together. It's your life and your marriage.

Mosman Thu 14-Feb-13 11:46:00

Ok I'll go with the counselling and see where that leads.
I've stopped asking questions about positions and frequency and all the other shit i've been torturing myself with, who cares ?
Thank you so much for the posts, you've kept me sane ish grin

fiventhree Thu 14-Feb-13 14:52:40

Moss, nobody thinks they can cope when a shock of this nature lands. Many of us have been exactly where you are now.

Just take a 'that'll do' approach for now- quick and easy dinners for kids, and get in a any help you can, at all. I dont suppose you are sleeping properly yet, either.

It is a process, a nasty one, but you will get through it, whatever you decide to do about him.

You were absolutely spot in not to keep this a secret, by the way. It increased the shock to his system in terms of fallout, and that is a good thing.

Mosman Fri 15-Feb-13 09:38:10

He asked last night if we can stop with all this now, 4 days and he's had enough of my questioning, crying and generally being upset.
No judge would convict me would they ?

HotDAMNlifeisgood Fri 15-Feb-13 09:54:47

I like your style Mosman. You are an inspiration.

If he is not willing to spend the rest of his life acknoweldging your hurt and answering your questions, then he is not repentant. And the two of you don't have much of a basis to work on in relationship counselling.

struwelpeter Fri 15-Feb-13 09:56:27

That's another point scored in twat bingo for him. No, he has no right to demand you to get over it. You are in charge now. You decide when you feel ready to go for counselling, you decide what you need to do to get yourself in a position when you feel ready to address his stupid actions.
You are your number one priority at the moment; things will settle down eventually but slowly and no one can predict what the world will look like for you when they do.
Keep posting, do find that RL someone you can turn to, look after yourself - if it takes booze, fags, takeaways for the kids, then so be it.
Stick him on the sofa or in the spare room and perhaps set aside a certain amount of time each day to cry/rage/tear him to shreds. Alternative is to give yourself a set time each day to do something for you - even if it's a bath or a cup of coffee, read a mag out then do it.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Fri 15-Feb-13 10:03:16

I recommend the practicality of going to speak to a family lawyer: having facts in hand could help you feel stronger; something concrete to moor you in this time of upheaval.

pictish Fri 15-Feb-13 10:08:57

Fucking fucking hell. He wants you to stop with all this now does he?
I am aghast.

Right so...your dh is a serial cheat. He blames you for one of his episodes as he wasn't getting enough attention. The other times were just...you know....whatever.

How utterly atrocious. You cannot be serious about trying to salvage this marriage, surely? He will not keep his cock to himself. He'll just get better at hiding it. You are on a hiding to nothing with this dick.

Sorry...strong words. I am just appalled. I really am.

Mosman Fri 15-Feb-13 10:23:02

I know you ARE right I really do pictish, having sat down and done the maths I am not going to come out of this very well.
So no not really salvaging more biding my time, playing the game I guess.
I'd literally just resigned from my job because it was too hard keeping the balls in the air, full time job and him not doing 50% usual story.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Fri 15-Feb-13 10:44:49

Would your employer take you back?

Would it financially make sense for you to do so in case of a forthcoming split?

I admire the level head you have on your shoulders only 4 days in. Amazing.

pictish Fri 15-Feb-13 10:45:11

I'd bail if I were you...while the clarity is there.

Mosman Fri 15-Feb-13 11:18:42

The clarity is going nowhere if anything i'm getting beyond the fog, I've called her at work to let her know she was one of many and needs to get to the STD clinic lol
I've caused him a lot of upset with his friends and family, so i'm working through the anger stage and coming through the grief stage.
Wedding and engagement rings are off, now it's just a case of timing.
No point in making myself homeless and handing him it all on a plate is there ?

Mosman Fri 15-Feb-13 11:19:40

I need his visa I don't know what would happen if he took me off the application you see, my children could stay and I couldn't

pictish Fri 15-Feb-13 11:21:50

No you're quite right.
Can you sling him out of the family home?
Could he go to his parents?

Mosman Fri 15-Feb-13 11:24:32

WE are in Perth, his parents are in the UK.

Really sorry to hear about this op. So glad you've caused him a lot of upset with his friends and family - it is no more than he deserves. angry

Mosman Fri 15-Feb-13 11:50:24

Amazing how many people are on team him though - quite surprising tbh

pictish Fri 15-Feb-13 12:09:07

It's not that surprising. There's plenty of people that will skim over his behaviour. He's a red blooded man after all. He knows he's make a mistake. He loves you really and the kids are his world. Etc etc.
Anything to support the illusion of a naughty boy who needs a slap on the wrist, rather than the reality of him being a self indulgent liar, whose core values are abhorrent.

Well...it's not much I'll grant you OP, but I'm on team you. There's no excusing him.

Mosman Fri 15-Feb-13 12:10:59

Thank you that means a lot grin
I know it's early in the UK but i'm half way through a bottle of wine grin

pictish Fri 15-Feb-13 12:23:30

You go for your life.
You've got a lot to think about. x

HotDAMNlifeisgood Fri 15-Feb-13 12:37:54

Amazing how many people are on team him though

On team him, really? Or just the somewhat spineless variety of people who "don't want to take sides", or say things like "Well, you never know what really goes on in behind closed doors" or "To each their own"... Anything, really, to avoid having to deal with the real mess of human emotions. Anything for a quiet life. The kind of people who would really rather than you didn't upset the apple cart.

Let them. Their behaviour is no reflection on you. You are entitled to deal with a selfish lying cheat with whatever degree of firmness you choose.

Mosman Fri 15-Feb-13 12:52:25

Yeah really, telling HIM if he needs to talk they are there despite me asking me asking can I talk to them to ask around dates, times.
You see the thing is the time frames bother me, we were trying and conceived our 4th child just a few months after this happened.
So what i want to know is whilst i was injecting my stomach full of drugs to make our baby happen was he booking into hotel rooms and banging the tart ?

Mosman Sat 16-Feb-13 19:46:19

More drip feeding, apparently number 4 he did three times, of course this only was confessed to when he thought I was about to call her.
He got quite angry tonight when i told him my brother wants to kill him, apparently if that's my attitude then we'll just sort out the kids and that's that.

Happygoluckylady Sat 16-Feb-13 21:21:16

Very rough on you. Hope you manage to sort things out.

pictish Sat 16-Feb-13 21:26:16

OP he is like that about your brother's anger, because he doesn't fundamentally think he has done anything wrong.

Mosman Sat 16-Feb-13 22:46:12

I know - nobody's perfect apparently lol

pictish Sat 16-Feb-13 23:17:14

Oh..lol..lol.
What's he like eh?
Just get over it for fuck's sake. Nobody's perfect!











confused

Mosman Mon 08-Apr-13 09:50:39

Just reread this to focus my mind. I've tried coffees with him, heart to hearts, it's not getting any easier/better so I feel it's time to cut my loses and to hell with the consequences.
I'm I missing something really important.
The long story short is 2004 web caming, loads of emails and then a coffee meeting with her in Manchester.
Followed by a online affair which lead to him driving from Manchester to Brighton to fuck T in a hotel, he did this again but spent 2 nights with her and a day walking hand in hand on the beach.
The final one being an affair over 9 months including her in a hotel on my actual birthday.
Having emigrated to Australia he went ahead of me and the kids to try and find work and utilised his time by joining ok Cupid and meeting a girl for a couple of drinks in Sydney.
I'm writing this all out so my resolve doesn't waver. Nobody in their right mind would give him another chance would they ?

Hopasholic Mon 08-Apr-13 10:10:40

No hon they really wouldn't. Shagging her on your birthday sounds like he was really sticking two fingers up at you. Seeking out his next shag while all the while you were preparing to move to the other side of he world? Cut your losses? What losses? He's a poor excuse of a man and you sound lovely. He does not deserve you. You deserve much much better.

Mosman Mon 08-Apr-13 12:24:19

He says there's a good husband and a bad single side of him and in the past the bad guy has been over riding the good husband and that he can change.
I've asked him to move out no matter what the cost.

akaWisey Mon 08-Apr-13 14:26:48

No they wouldn't. Don't lose your resolve now Mosman, he's spinning this line because he senses he's royally fucked up.

Sorry, this 'jekyll/hyde' fantasy explanation just doesn't cut it. You could just as easy posit the 'cake-and-eat-it' rationale for his sleazy behaviour.

Stay strong and keep coming here. smile

Hopasholic Mon 08-Apr-13 20:34:55

He won't change.

He's made his own choices, what a load of bollocks re good & bad side of him. He's trying to mess with your head, don't let him hon.

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