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Or is DH - re co-sleeping?

(203 Posts)

DD doesn't spend a whole night in her cot any more (she used to). Between 1am and 3am she wakes up for comfort (not food or anything else) and I bring her into bed with DH & I.

DH is very against this and says I need to start making her sleep the whole night in her cot, rocking her back to sleep in the dark and so on, apparently we're making a rod for our backs, especially as he wants her to go into her own room soon.

DH does no nights with DD and hasn't since she was 6 weeks old (he could - we mix feed DD).

DD is 5 months old.

Me, I reckon as it's me dealing with nights I should just carry on what is easiest for DD & I, & I'm not fussed if DD goes into her own room next month or in five months although I think I'd prefer her to stay close to me longer.

Who is being U, please?!

magimedi Mon 11-Feb-13 17:41:03

If he is doing no nights (& why not??) that YANBU to do things in the way that is easiest for you & DD.

SashaSashays Mon 11-Feb-13 17:41:28

He is being unreasonable for not doing anything at night then thinking he can make demands about it.

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 11-Feb-13 17:42:36

Yanbu, why does he want her in her own room?

Iggly Mon 11-Feb-13 17:42:47

He is being unreasonable. Idiot.

My dd coslept like yours until around 9/10 months when it became clear I was disturbing her. So I just put her back into her cot and after a few days she settled right down. She's 14 months now and sleeps in there all night.

When he is willing to get up with her every night and do all the settling and comforting and everything else, then he gets to dictate where she sleeps.

KenLeeeeeee Mon 11-Feb-13 17:43:05

Neither of you are being particularly U, but I think you could both benefit from reading up on sleep regression (very common around 4 - 5 months) and realising that it's ok for her sleep habits to have suddenly changed.

Does your DH appreciate that sometimes getting a baby back to sleep in the cot isn't as simple as rocking them back to sleep in the dark? Sometimes the options are stay up all night, battling a howling baby OR all snuggle into bed together for a couple of hours.

Seeing as he does no nights with her, I think you get the deciding vote on how to handle the waking. If he carries on with the "rod for your own back" nonsense, tell him to do the night shifts for a few days and see how quickly he decides that cosleeping is the way forward!

GirlOutNumbered Mon 11-Feb-13 17:44:14

Yanbu if you are doing the night shifts. Whatever works for you.

Iggly Mon 11-Feb-13 17:45:09

Just to add - is he resentful? Just wondered.

I let my DH know full well how the broken sleep affected me and that cosleeping was how I coped. He fully supported me in my decisions - never questioned me or made suggestions (until he started taking over a bit).

MrsKoala Mon 11-Feb-13 17:55:48

Dh won't do nights. I co sleep because otherwise I would be dead. Ds is 5 months and he sleeps with us all night.

Midori1999 Mon 11-Feb-13 17:57:29

Well you really don't need to worry about making a rod for your own backs, all of mine have slept in with me either some or most of the time and they have all also always slept well in their own beds a lot of the time.

4-5 months is a dreadful time for night wakings and you just need to do what you can to get the most sleep so you can function the next day. If its you dealing with your DD at night, then it really should be your decision.

Does your DH find it hard to sleep with her in the bed perhaps? Would he be willing to sleep somewhere else in the short term? Or help with the night wakings if he doesn't want to do that? Or is he purely worried your DD will never sleep in her own bed?

NeedlesCuties Mon 11-Feb-13 18:02:38

Also, are you really sure she doesn't want fed? Often they have a growth spurt around that age and can get more hungry.

5madthings Mon 11-Feb-13 18:08:03

Yanbu he is. If he wants things done differently hr can get up and himself!

This is classic sleep regression and growth spurt age.

ihearsounds Mon 11-Feb-13 18:13:42

If he doesn't want lo in bed, then he has another choice. Get up during the night and deal with lo. If he isn't prepared to take responsibility at night, then tough really.

Why doesn't he want to do nights?

Thanks for all the replies.

DH doesn't get up with her at nights because he started a new, stressful job 3 months ago plus he can be a real cunt when he's tired so we're more or less agreed I do nights (although I wish he'd at least do some at the weekend - I've given up asking though).

Thanks for telling me about sleep regression - DH is blaming a visit to my DPs where I let DD co-sleep as she was in a strange place!

I don't think he is affected by co-sleeping - she's on my side and he doesn't wake. He does wake if I have to take her downstairs for a feed though. We have an inflatable bed if it was to affect him but he hasn't needed to. He's fixated on DD going into her own room at 6 months as that's what the SIDS advice says about 'first 6 months' in your room plus he thinks he'll get more sex when she's not in our room.

Definitely not hungry - if I take her into bed she goes straight back to sleep - no rooting for a feed.

whitby36 Mon 11-Feb-13 18:24:11

I am going through exactly the same thing op. My dd is almost 5 months. Finally settles at about 10.30pm and is awake again at 1am. At 1am I take her into the bed with me and feed her back to sleep. This is where she stays till morning.
I have done all the night wakings as she is breastyfed and I have two older dc. i would not function unless i did this so op yanbu.

Jinsei Mon 11-Feb-13 18:26:17

He is being a twat. Sleep deprivation is awful, and if he doesn't have to get up, he doesn't get to dictate how you manage.

So the consensus is that I'm not BU, thank you all. 'Cos DH is such a good Dad in every other way & and a good husband too - he shares nappy changes, bath times, feeds DD, makes up bottles, does her washing, gets up with her at least once every weekend to give me a lie-in although not until she's woken me up with her chattering, and does the cooking, puts the dishwasher on and un-stacks it on evenings and helps with washing tooin addition to other things - I was starting to doubt myself over this!

Bobyan Mon 11-Feb-13 18:51:10

gets up at least once a weekend to give me a lie-in

I should bloody hope so, if he isn't doing nights. He sounds like a bit of a knob.

FrameyMcFrame Mon 11-Feb-13 18:57:29

He's got a bloody nerve hasn't he?
Tell him to wake up and take his turn. Does he work weekends?

He could give you a break then at the VERY LEAST.
If not then he has no right to dictate what you do when you have to wake up every night.

Show him this thread?

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 11-Feb-13 19:01:32

I was under the impression that the most up to date advice given regarding reducing SIDS risk was 6-12 months in your room, at least that was the advice I was given when taking part in a SIDS study that's been ongoing for years.

Your DH thinks that bringing her into your bed is making a rod for your own back, but rocking her back to sleep in the dark is the solution? If you believe in the "rod for your own back" theory then I think rocking a child to sleep in the dark is a far worse rod than snuggling up and going back to sleep with them. And unless he is interested in doing his fair share of rocking then he is making a rod for your back, not his.

I'd get a double bed for your DD's room (if it will fit) and you can co-sleep in there with her when she wakes up.

chandellina Mon 11-Feb-13 19:35:34

I am very much of the same school as your dh for not wanting to make rods. However 5 months is too young to be trying to "train" her. Give it a few months at least!

Totally agree with breatheslowly - rocking to sleep in the dark creates a much roddier-rod than co-sleeping, and in this weather, it's fuh-REE-zing and everyone gets less sleep.

I can only speak for this point in time, because knowing him as I do, he'll go and change for the worse again, but I've co-slept part-time with 8.5mo DS for the past couple of months - he'd start the night in his cot, then when I couldn't stand the getting up and down any longer, I'd decamp with him to the spare bedroom. He gradually started sleeping longer stretches in his cot and for the past couple of weeks, he's had several full nights in his cot (still waking up a few times, mind, but not quite so often, and he'll go back into his cot fairly happily straight after a feed mostly).

My DH doesn't do night wakings either, but only because DS won't settle AT ALL for him. He always offers and says how much he wants to be able to help. Tell your lazy arse husband that your friend, Elphaba, works full time and does ALL the night wakings with her baby (sometimes upwards of six a night). She is also in a new and stressful job. He will live.

TheFunPolice Mon 11-Feb-13 20:40:47

DH was against co-sleeping at first. Two nights in a row battling a screaming baby (I woke him up each time I had to get up) changed his mind. Some sleep is better than no sleep. Now he loves it. Especially when her first teeth came through and she koala'd his arm all night.

SkinnybitchWannabe Mon 11-Feb-13 21:00:47

I co-slept with all of my 3 ds up until they were around 6-7months. I even had a little fridge and bottle warmer in my bedroom so I didn't have to go downstairs. I didn't give two shits if oh disapproved I still don't know or care what he thought!
All of my boys are brilliant sleepers and settled in their own rooms very quickly.
Plus I absolutely loved the cuddles!
Do whatever you feel is right.

Loislane78 Mon 11-Feb-13 21:02:39

YANBU My DD (just 6 mo) used to sleep in a cot really well. 1-2 BF a night and I was ok getting up as she settled quickly.

Then we hit 4 mo sleep regression, growth spurt, teething, flu = no more sleep!! Its also v cold and i think she likes it toasty smile

Co-sleeping is what's kept me reasonably lucid and luckily DP has no issues. She starts out in the cot and at some point will end up in our bed between us. If its early DP snuggles so I get more sleep then we switch. I don't sleep as well but some sleep is better than none and i quite like waking up to babbling/raspberries/having my hair and face stroked by a little hand smile

He isn't tired enough if he thinks co-sleeping isn't an option!!

pictish Mon 11-Feb-13 21:04:39

He is being unreasonable for not doing anything at night then thinking he can make demands about it.

That and only that.

Is he willing to put in the effort? If no - then he can zip it, frankly.

Joiningthegang Mon 11-Feb-13 21:10:19

I think co- sleeping makes sense, but ds age5 is still doing it every night

Well our problems are a bit bigger than co-sleeping.

On Thursday after a very bad night with DD he promised he'd do the wakings tonight and possibly tomorrow. Well tonight DD wakes at 1, and eventually I get up and get her. DH says just fucking shut up DD. Apparently he can't deal with all these nights. When I point out that he doesnt deal with them, I do, he goes apeshit. Says he'll lose his temper and 'break DD in half' if he has to take her downstairs. Swears at me - I'm a fucking bitch apparently. Then storms off downstairs leaving me in tears with DD.

Just had to put it down as I know in the morning he'll be minimising and I'll doubt myself.

Oh and it's about fucking time DD was in her own fucking room (like that will stop her waking up).

All this because I expected him to get up with his DD when he had offered to.

AmberLeaf Sat 16-Feb-13 01:46:06

Fucking hell!

What a cunt, sorry but that is dreadful, I don't care how tired/stressed he is!

You poor thing, what are you going to do?

Thanks Amber, I didn't think anyone would be around this time of night to hold my hand. My instinct is to take DD and go home to my parents but their so far away, I don't have a car, can't afford train etc. Argh. Short term if he tries to insist on DD going into the nursery I'll go too and sleep permanently on the blow up bed and seriously consider whether it's worth staying in this marriage.

And obviously not let him take DD on nights as I can't trust him which is possibly what he was aiming for?

And now he's back. Apparently we 'need to have an honest and frank conversation tomorrow' and he's gone back to sleep. DD still awake...

MadonnaKebab Sat 16-Feb-13 02:01:02

Oh nightmare you poor thing
Try and get some sleep you will have some serious thinking to do tomorrow
That was unacceptable

AmberLeaf Sat 16-Feb-13 02:04:38

Yes I think you may be onto something with him doing that so you won't ask him again.

I wonder what he wants to say in that conversation tomorrow?

I bet he will turn this onto you, he must know he has behaved appallingly, so my guess is he has just sat and thought of something he can say to dig at you so as to deflect from his own awful behavior.

Can you speak honesty with your parents about this? Would they hep you out with train fares if you did~?

Hope you're ok

AmberLeaf Sat 16-Feb-13 02:05:36

honesty = honestly

Well because I couldn't keep my mouth shut whilst he was blaming me and my trip to my DParents for all DD's sleep problems and calling me a fucking moron.. he tried to punch me in the face and throttle me whilst I was holding DD. Christ I'm shaking

Don't know what to do

He followed me downstairs to say he shouldn't have done that... but it's all my fault

AgentZigzag Sat 16-Feb-13 02:25:29

I'm a right arsey twat when I've just woken up, there's no way of getting past it, but for someone to be an arsey twat because they've woken up and to direct it at your baby...that has to be in another league.

You say he's great normally, does that mean you're purely putting this down to how he is when he wakes up?

But you seem to be taking what he's said seriously, are you worried he might act on what he's threatened? Would that be out of character if he's great normally?

AgentZigzag Sat 16-Feb-13 02:27:21

X-posts, you need to be calling the police pet, now I think.

AgentZigzag Sat 16-Feb-13 02:31:03

If you think getting on the phone to the police might make the situation worse and you are worried about how quickly it's escalating, can you get yourself out to a neighbours? Sort it out from there?

I know it sounds drastic, but if you don't feel safe, get out and worry about the other stuff later.

leelteloo Sat 16-Feb-13 02:40:59

Nightmare, that sounds horrific! How can you get yourself and dd somewhere safe? Is there anyone u can call if you don't want to call the police yet? hmm

Am now barricaded into room with stuff wedged against the door. Have phone with me in case i need to dial 999

Will reassess in the morning and report to police then if o can

H geared up to sleep on sofa so think he will leave us alone

I have no one. But won't put up with this shit for DD's sake

AgentZigzag Sat 16-Feb-13 02:51:10

Glad you feel a bit more in control.

It's unlikely just being woken up could provoke what you've described.

How will it be tomorrow do you think, from experience of what it's like to live with him?

You say he minimises stuff he's done and won't take responsibility, preferring to try to turn it into being you who made him behave like that. Does that suggest he's done it enough times for there to be patterns emerging?

leelteloo Sat 16-Feb-13 02:52:28

He should bloody leave! Bastard! Is he drunk or is this his normal 'charming' demeanour? I have had similar situation with my dh, no physical stuff but scary aggression and I too live far from friends and family. It makes you feel so vulnerable. My dh used to lame my visits to my dp as well and guilt trip me all the time. But what the fuck else are we supposed to do: they live too bloody far to pop over and I needed to be with my family. I am so confused for you right now. How dare he behaves in such a disgusting way and then try and blame you!!!

leelteloo Sat 16-Feb-13 02:56:35

And ds sleeps in with me after every night feed, usually he gets up about 2 and then stays with me. I could put him back but I like sleeping with him. I much prefer it to sleeping with dh! I love being in the spare room and kind of dreading having to return to our room.

Never been violent before but we did used to occasionally have heated late night rows before DD though not for a few years so that's why I know he'll minimise. Although violence changes everything.

He was tipsy at bed time but not drunk

DD still wide awake unsurprisingly, don't think well get any sleep tonight.

Cherriesarelovely Sat 16-Feb-13 03:01:04

Given the benefit of hindsight I would say YANBU. Do whatever gives you all the most sleep. I battled for weeks to get Dd back to sleep at that age and she outgrew it in the end. Wish I had just co slept instead....that was 10 years ago but the memory of being that sleep deprived still haunts me!

leelteloo Sat 16-Feb-13 03:03:46

Well I'm up and thinking of you Nightmare. What a shocking way for things to develop. Why do some men find this parent thing so bloody hard to adjust too when we do all the hard bits????

BrittaPerry Sat 16-Feb-13 03:10:09

He can always o into his own room at six months...

Leave you and baby o cuddle :-)

BrittaPerry Sat 16-Feb-13 03:11:46

Bloody hell, I didn't see page 2. Sorry.

BrittaPerry Sat 16-Feb-13 03:14:03

What a twat. This is not ok. If he wakes again, please call 999.

leelteloo Sat 16-Feb-13 03:14:45

And just for the record going in her own room isn't going to make her magically sleep through just means you will have to get up to bloody settle her. My dd didn't sleep through till she was 3 and was up screaming 3, 4, 5 times a night. I tried everything and in the end she grew out of it. Co sleeping or not, so babies/children do not sleep through, no matter what you try.

Thanks for being there tonight ladies thanks

KatieMiddleton Sat 16-Feb-13 03:17:35

I'd be calling the police too. You have done nothing to deserve that reaction. He needs to go so you can be safe.

leelteloo Sat 16-Feb-13 03:18:03

Hope dd settles soon Nightmare. Ds is snoozing now do I better get some zzzz. Do not let him excuse his way out of this in the morning. There are NO excuses for how he has treated you and dd tonight. Try and sleep.

FairPhyllis Sat 16-Feb-13 03:20:30

Nightmare, I am still around for a few more hours (different time zone) and will keep checking in on this thread. I think you know you need to call the police though - you said above that there's a risk of you minimising things in the daylight.

AgentZigzag Sat 16-Feb-13 03:21:59

You take care of yourself NW.

I'm sending some sleep vibes to your DD so you can get some much needed kip.

I do hope you and your DD have manged to get to sleep, and that you are both safe. Please call the police, if only to get it on record.

If your DH had only had a moment of lose of self control, totally out of character and a one-off, he would have been truly ashamed of his behaviour, and apologetic. Instead he has tried turning it round to blame you! You are NOT responsible for his actions. It was entirely his choice to use violence, he could have chosen to walk away, shout into a pillow, slam a door, but he decided to attack you while you were holding his child. sad

Just thinking that "rod for your own back" school of thought is very annoying isn't it ?

I ignored it and went more for the attachment parenting, co-sleeping style !

Babies need their Mums, they were happier and so was I !

Sorry OP - should have read thread before posting. Thinking of you tonight and praying you have a peaceful night x

Ineedacoffee Sat 16-Feb-13 04:06:36

Do your parents drive? Could they come and pick you up? You cannot stay where you don't feel you a your daughter are not safe. I don't have any experience with this but if you are still awake can you call the non emergency police number to log the incident and get advice? My other idea is womens aid. Sorry am on my phone also feeding do can't look for number. You are scared in your own bedroom with your baby. There is nothing he can say that can make this ok. I'm sorry I can't think of any other advice. You need to get you and your dd out of there.
I wish you rest tonight and strength in the morning. Where in the country are you?

Personally I'd aim to get through the night safely, hopefully all get some sleep, and take action such as getting to your parents with DD in the morning.
Sending peaceful sleepy good wishes to you and DD for the night x

DD finally asleep. I'm going to try to sleep too for strength. Dparents are elderly and I don't want to make them worry.

I'm in birmingham.

lottiegarbanzo Sat 16-Feb-13 04:51:47

Good that you've written down what happened here, so you have a record from the time if he tries to convince you things happened differently.

If he is not extremely apologetic, shaken and looking for ways to ensure he never behaves that way again - recognising that the problem is in him - then he is a bigger danger than you thought. Even so, take this very seriously and be prepared to act to protect yourselves, police etc.

Your approach to sleeping is fine at this point. You can try to train her to go back to sleep in her cot, or you can do that later. Dd found sleeping on me sometimes comforting at that age. I've just been training her to go back to sleep in her cot, at 10 mo. I did think I'd created a situation where she would only fall asleep on a person and couldn't settle back down in her cot but, when ill and teething, sleeping on me was comforting for her. Now she's too wriggly and strong but we've made great progress with self-soothing in a week or two, easier than I thought.

McGilly Sat 16-Feb-13 04:52:00

Yanbu. We are in same situation - DS is nearly 1. If he did not sleep with us after midnight, I would not be able to look after three children in the day. DH can't settle him and I am not ready to stop bf'ing, so right now we do whatever it takes to survive. As DS is our third shocking sleeper, we n

McGilly Sat 16-Feb-13 04:52:54

Sorry - we both know it doesn't last. Enjoy the snuggles, they are some of my best baby memories.

FairPhyllis Sat 16-Feb-13 04:54:10

Nightmare, will you at least phone Women's Aid when you can? This isn't a safe situation for your DD - your DH is a danger to her. You need to get her away from him.

McGilly Sat 16-Feb-13 04:57:42

I am very sorry for your horrific experience which I did not initially see - i hope you can find the help you need for you and your daughter. It does sound like you are thinking very clearly. And this is more than a "sleep" issue. Courage.

Definitely call women's aid AND the police in the morning. He needs to appreciate the gravity of his behaviour and he needs to move out immediately. Don't allow him to minimise.

McGilly Sat 16-Feb-13 05:05:11

And I'm really sorry but I don't think you can leave him in charge of your baby now, even if he does want to do nights. It is so very easy to shakes baby without even realising the consequences. I say sorry because you do need help but I don't think he is the person to give it.

BookieMonster Sat 16-Feb-13 05:08:14

He needs to appreciate the gravity of his actions. I know it seems overwhelming but I really would ring the police tomorrow. What if his punch had missed you but got your DD?

ErikNorseman Sat 16-Feb-13 07:02:27

Please phone the police. Tonight he has threatened to break his baby in half, and has punched and throttled you while you were holding her. This is serious, high rink stuff. He is prepared to seriously hurt or kill you (throttling extremely dangerous) and also your baby. If you passed out while holding her she could bash her head or get crushed. He just doesn't care. My blood ran cold when I read the comment about breaking her in half. Safe people just don't have those thoughts, let alone say them out loud.

Downandoutnumbered Sat 16-Feb-13 08:16:07

Call the police, OP. I'm really frightened for you reading this thread. You'll get good support here - maybe get this thread moved to relationships?

diaimchlo Sat 16-Feb-13 08:27:37

JugglingFromHereToThere "Just thinking that "rod for your own back" school of thought is very annoying isn't it ?"

I totally disagree with you on that. I have had 5 children and married twice, my first 3 always slept in their cots as it was considered dangerous to take them into bed with you at that time, my 4th was my 2nd husband's first child, he was a very much hands on dad, as DS was bottle fed we took it in turns, I did 1 night and he would do the next etc.... In the beginning I would feed, change and cuddle DS to sleep and return him to his cot, I asked H to do the same but he didn't and got forceful about putting DS bed with us. this caused me anxiety as I didn't sleep well due to worrying about squashing my DS or him getting too warm.... anyway to cut a long story short it took 6 years to get DS to sleep in his own bed never mind his own room and a lot of stressful nights.

My 5th DS was never put in our bed in the night and we had no night time problems with him at all.... So definitely proves to me that the "rod for your own back" school of thought is actually correct!

pooka Sat 16-Feb-13 08:39:03

Have you read the whole thread diaimchio.

The h tried to punch/throttle the op and said he'd break their dd in half.

It has moved on a bit from a discussion of rods for backs.

Incidentally I do disagree about rod for back. Mine all sleep beautifully although all have at times slept in our bed. Just goes to show that all children are different and that what works with one doesn't necessarily work for another.

AmberLeaf Sat 16-Feb-13 09:02:45

Oh no sad

Please get to somewhere safe. I know you don't want to worry your parents, but this is serious and worth worrying about TBH.

He has threatened to hurt your baby and has actually hurt you while holding her. There isn't anything he can say or do to make this right now.

Don't let him minimise this, call the police.

diaimchlo Sat 16-Feb-13 09:12:36

Yes pooka I have read the full thread and sincerely hope and pray that the OP are safe and receive the support that they desperately need, what I hope for H cannot not be written here as I would be banned from MN....... I am not the heartless, thoughtless cow that your appear to be insinuating I am.

As for my post..... I was just answering a post on pg3 putting forward my experiences from a personal point of view in a polite and respectful manner

I know diaimchio was just responding to a post of mine. Initially I hadn't read the whole thread. I think there are several of us that did that. Obviously what happened last night was very serious and does change things for OP and her DD.

Still thinking of you this morning Nightmare as you decide what to do today in the light of last night's behaviour by (D)H. Can you think of anyone you could go and stay with for example ? Or Women's Aid would help. Others may have more experience and better advice.
But I think most would agree that essentially being somewhere else with DD or him leaving is important after this sad

To add insult to injury H is still asleep whilst I've been up with DD since 8. Going to tell him to leave today and then log incident with police.


What an innocuous sort of short hand for 'man I thought I'd sped the rest of my life with tried to kill me'

SirBoobAlot Sat 16-Feb-13 10:08:57

Log the incident with the police first. Just in case he flips out.

Oh sweetheart, I read the thread with a sinking heart. Can't imagine how you must feel! Please do get out, you deserve so much better, and so does your DD!

Downandoutnumbered Sat 16-Feb-13 10:10:01

Nightmare, please call police first and then ask him to leave - then if he turns nasty they've already got something on record.

AmberLeaf Sat 16-Feb-13 10:27:00

Yes definitely speak to the police before you speak to him about leaving.

shesariver Sat 16-Feb-13 10:36:55

Please phone Police first. I dont know him but I dont think he will take the news that you want him to leave quietly, since he doesn't seem to think he has done anything wrong in the first place! Remember none of this is your fault, and your absolutely correct - your problems are deeper than just arguing over co-sleeping, this is only a symptom.

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Sat 16-Feb-13 10:38:07

Ring the police now, get them to come around, then tell him to leave. Ask for a restraining order (or whatever they're calling them now). Please don't do it the other way around. YOU don't go anywhere.

Big hugs.

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Sat 16-Feb-13 10:39:43

... and listen - there is NOTHING he can say, do or promise that can make this OK. Don't you minimise what happened last night. Don't think 'one chance' - what he did last night is well beyond 'one chance' sad

Cluffyfunt Sat 16-Feb-13 10:57:29

I'm so sorry this has happened to you thanks

If I were you, I'd go to the police station whilst he is sleeping.

He is going to blame everything on stress/you/DD but in reality we all get stressed but we don't attack our partners, let alone when they are holding a baby.

I'm glad you and your dd are still here. It really could have ended tragically sad

YANBU & what someone said re sleep regression. It will likely happen again at 8/9 months. Do what you can to get through. DS was in with me a lot, DH found it difficult some nights, so he slept elsewhere.

To those who loudly protest as to why DH can't do it, FFS it is U IMO to expect a ft working husband, to do the same as a SAHM (& at 5 mo she prob is).

Chunderella Sat 16-Feb-13 11:13:04

Do you have a safe place to go OP? If not parents, perhaps other family or friends? Can you get hold of passports, bank documents etc quickly while DH is asleep? You can't stay when you and DD are in danger, which you are. Is there anything any of us could do to help?

ComradeJing Sat 16-Feb-13 11:19:43

How are you OP?

Please do report back. There will be lots of MNers thinking and worrying about you.

I'm still safe but still here - got up to sort DD out and H took his pillows and went to bed (after stopping to have a go about me stripping the bed - which I did on autopilot as that's what we always do on a Saturday). H still asleep the poor poppet nasty piece of work clearly needs his beauty sleep. So I can't get to my clothes as they're in that room.

I'm still feeling dazed and confused - attach left no marks so have no proof/evidence and makes me worry it's not a serious as it seemed in the middle of the night - of course it is. So tired.

I did text MIL to let her know what had happened in case H went home - not heard anything in response. Cow.

babies I'd read the rest of the thread if I were you..

Flisspaps Sat 16-Feb-13 11:36:50

It doesn't matter that there are no physical marks. Call the police now while he sleeps. It doesn't matter that your clothes are in there.

If he was remotely sorry he'd be up, and doing everything he could to show you he was sorry.

But he isn't sorry. He doesn't give a shit sad He's in bed, sleeping soundly, he obviously doesn't think you'd even consider reporting his abuse of you and your daughter - and he has abused her too, purely by letting her see what happened.

Think this should move to relationships. Not an AIBU anymore.
OP, so sorry. Washing you strength.

Flisspaps Sat 16-Feb-13 11:41:40

I also think that you need to call the police now because you've told his mum what's happened - if she contacts him then there's a risk he'll kick off before you can call the police because you've 'told on him'. However lovely she may be as a MIL, she's his mum.

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Sat 16-Feb-13 11:42:46

Exactly what Flisspaps said!

You are minimising this because you don't want to deal with what comes next, which is totally understandable, but not good. You need to call the police, you don't need to have physical marks and the bruising may come out later on anyway.

Call the police, ask them to come around now, tell them he is sleeping but that you are worried about your safetly when he wakes up and you tell him he has to leave.

WoTmania Sat 16-Feb-13 11:48:44

Read the first page and thought 'YANBU' and planned to just post [ this] and say If you're dealing with nighttimes what you want goes.

Then I read on: totally agree with call police first, then tell him to leave. Do you have any friends locally who will be able to support/help out.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Sat 16-Feb-13 11:52:56

Oh, love. How horrible.

Please, please phone the police now. And then ring your mum, because I bet you need to hear her voice. Don't worry about 'worrying them' - if it was your DD, as an adult, and this had happened to her, wouldn't you want her to turn to you immediately, no matter what?

I have a huge lump in my throat reading this. Oh, please do leave today. Because if you don't, he will know that this is alright, and it will continue, and fuck, I don't even want to think about how your life will be from now on with this vile man.

I'm so sorry for you that this is happening. None of it is your fault.

harassedandherbug Sat 16-Feb-13 12:00:43

Sorry I haven't read all the thread, but got the general gist and YANBU.

What I wanted to do though was recommend a book and website called The Wonder Weeks. Dc4 is 13mths and I'm having a hell of a time with him (and bloody lazy dh), and this was recommended to me. I wish I'd found it sooner! It may not make the sleep any better but at least you can recognise why.


lottiegarbanzo Sat 16-Feb-13 12:05:06

I think I somtimes read these things and offer very general advice if any, because at the back of my mind is 'I've no idea what their normality is, telling her to leave, or do anything dramatic is not helpful if she's clearly not going to do that and really needs a coping strategy'. The flip-side is that assumption that your normal may be 'less normal' than mine is patronising and minimising.

If this was my DP I'd have called the police straight away. I'd either have taken dd out in the car while he slept, to create a safe distance and limit his running away options, or stayed downstairs, near the door, with the lights on, in case I was threatened again and needed to get outside and attract attention.

I'd have seen this as an attack by 'an unknown violent person' not by 'my DP' because 'my DP' does not behave that way and, if he did, he would not be my DP.

Flisspaps Sat 16-Feb-13 12:05:56

harrassed this is no longer a co-sleeping issue

lottiegarbanzo Sat 16-Feb-13 12:07:58

and I'd definitely want him out. I would not allow someone violent and unpredictable to stay in the house with dd.

MinnieBar Sat 16-Feb-13 12:14:24

OP please call the police NOW. This is assault. You need to protect yourself and your DD.

harassedandherbug Sat 16-Feb-13 12:23:55

Huge apologies, was reading quickly whilst trying to settle ds.

Op, you need to leave. Or he does. Phone the police now and log it, then you won't be left panicking and waiting when this happens again. I say when, because ime (15yrs with abusive xh) it's only a matter of time. The signs are there: you're doubting yourself and he's blaming you. You need to get out of this relationship for you and dd.

ZebraOwl Sat 16-Feb-13 12:24:05

Oh Nightmare, I'm so sorry.

As other posters have advised, definitely call the police & explain what's happened - including that he's still here, you don't have somewhere safe to go to & you are worried about what he will do when he wakes up. Maybe ring 101 to report but be ready to call 999 if his behaviour on waking indicates you need immediate police presence.

The West Midlands Police Domestic Abuse section of their website has information about people you can contact locally as well as nationally. Please PLEASE get in touch with one (or more!) of those support services as well as notifying the police. The Domestic Abuse Unit are obviously well-placed to put you in touch with appropriate agencies, but doing so yourself now might help you feel more in charge of things/more able to cope & also reinforce the fact that this IS serious; it DOES matter; & - however your husband might try to twist things - he assaulted you & threatened your child & you & your DD need to be protected from him.

Please let us know how you are when you have the time to do so.

whitby36 Sat 16-Feb-13 12:28:02

Op. I have been reading this whilst dealing with my 5 month old. I really hope you are safe op and please keep us updated.x

kinkyfuckery Sat 16-Feb-13 12:28:28

Oh you poor love. This thread has certainly taken a turn for the worst, hasn't it?

You must phone/visit the police and register the attack, even if you choose to do nothing else about it for the moment. We are here to hold your hand x

KatieMiddleton Sat 16-Feb-13 12:35:51

Yes, please call the police now. Do this for your daughter and for you. Take back control.

Really hope you are safe, OP. Echoing others when I say please contact the police and women's aid.

NopeStillNothing Sat 16-Feb-13 13:20:07

Really hope you've called the police OP. His actions this morning suggest that he will outright refuse to accept the gravity of this.

As I thought, he's saying he didn't put his hands around my throat, only 'the back of my neck' and didn't try to punch me but tried to smack me in the face with my own hand (as if that makes it any better). And all because i'm emotionally abusive (read: I stick up for myself).

I've left the house and about to call police. Please h

Old my hands through this (sorry got cut off before!)

MinnieBar Sat 16-Feb-13 13:43:30

We're here OP. You're doing the right thing. Stay strong.

KatieMiddleton Sat 16-Feb-13 13:44:30

You are doing brilliantly. Regardless of the history you have to deal with now. The facts are he has threatened your child and tried to physically hurt you. He needs to go.

You will get through this but for now follow the process.

KatieMiddleton Sat 16-Feb-13 13:45:15

Follow the process and don't try to rationalise or explain his actions. Just take responsibility for your actions.


Thinking of you

5madthings Sat 16-Feb-13 13:47:00

Omg op. You are doing the right thing, well done for being so strong, holding hands and thinking of you xxx

Right. I called 101 and asked for it to be logged and theyve said they need to send officers out to take a statement as it happened in front of DD. Does anyone know timescales for this - can I ask that they come after hes left for eg?

KatieMiddleton Sat 16-Feb-13 14:32:39

Well done you. The police will know how to respond whether he's there or not.

As a pp said, you will probably find his mother sides with him. When it comes to family, fairness and rationality often go out the window because people do not want to believe it. If this happens it is no reflection on you what so ever.

Downandoutnumbered Sat 16-Feb-13 14:32:52

We're here, supporting you. Don't let him minimise what happened. Thinking of you.

SuffolkNWhat Sat 16-Feb-13 14:33:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

harassedandherbug Sat 16-Feb-13 14:34:06

It doesn't sound like you're the emotionally abusive one hmm.

I'm sure if you ask, then the police will do their best. They don't want to put you in harms way x

Jinsei Sat 16-Feb-13 14:35:16

OP, I'm so sorry for the way in which this situation has developed, but you have been incredibly brave to call the police and it was the right thing to do. Please stay strong and stay safe. And don't let him belittle what happened - it was real and it was wrong. You don't have to put up with this, and your daughter does not have to grow up witnessing it. Please take care.

Jinsei Sat 16-Feb-13 14:37:49

Oh, and OP, men who are violent once usually end up being violent again. He has hurt you and he has threatened your daughter. Please don't hang around waiting for it to happen again.

ErikNorseman Sat 16-Feb-13 14:58:54

Well done xxx

I'm in the house, H is in the house, officers are being sent out now to take a statement. H is making noises about l

... Losing his job if this gets out but not my problem. Earlier he was all 'well call the police if you eant' and now I have he seems shocked.

Eant? Want. Sorry for typos, am on phone.

Jinsei Sat 16-Feb-13 15:18:49

No, it really isn't your problem. When you choose to be violent, you choose to accept the consequences of that violence. Tell the police exactly what happened. It isn't your job to protect him.

Let us know how it goes. Hope you are ok.

Flisspaps Sat 16-Feb-13 15:31:34

Of course he's shocked, he thought his attempts to minimise would cow you into letting it go, and now he's going to be forced to face the reality of what an utter spineless bastard he is.

Flisspaps Sat 16-Feb-13 15:32:58

If you start to falter, remember that he did this while your lovely DD was in your arms, after he'd threatened to break her in half.

harassedandherbug Sat 16-Feb-13 15:36:40

Yes I remember that one.... My xh was/is a retained firefighter. God forbid they should lose their jobs!

It's another way to control you.

MumVsKids Sat 16-Feb-13 15:45:26

Please don't back down over this. He has done it once, he will do it again, probably worse.

YANBU for asking for some help at night with dd, especially at weekends.

I'm hoping you are sitting with the police now, and I'm hoping you are not minimising his attack on you and dd.

He should be thoroughly ashamed of himself and be packing his stuff to leave right now.

Do you rent or own op? Are you oth on the tenancy/mortgage?

Perriwinkle Sat 16-Feb-13 16:03:28

Good for you NightmareWalking. A lot of women would not have been strong enough to have the courage of their convictions to do what you have done.

You have the strength and dignity to say that you will not put up with being treated like this and you are acting as a responsible parent and putting your DD's best interests first. No defenceless, innocent, impressionable child deserves to have a selfish, violent bully like your DH in their lives on a daily basis. How could you ever trust him again after what he's done to you and after saying that he'd "break your DD in half"? She's five months old FFS!What a completely vile individual.

And re: co-sleeping, my DS did it for about 4 years - every night without fail!! He's wake and comeinto bed, have a feed or whatever and as he got older and no longer needed a night feed, would just wake and come in and fall straight back to sleep again. It was a habit. My DH never once uttered a word of complaint. In the end the bed was too small for us all to be in there so I would go and sleep in DS's toddler bed, and later his full sized single bed. Eventually, one night he just didn't wake up and call out to come in and he never did again. He's slept like a top through the night every night since. We don't regret for a single second allowing him to come into our bed for those 4 years. We met his need to be close to us for as long as he wanted to and he grew out of it when he was ready. No big deal.

My DH never batted an eyelid, although he is a very heavy sleeper and I'm a control freak so would only have wanted to look after him in the middle of the night myself. The main thing is that my DH would only want what's best for our DS, and for me too, in every respect. He's always trusted my judgement 100% to do what's best for DS and if that's ever inconvenienced him (or me come to that) then we've both been of the opinion so be it. The way we both look at it, DS will only be dependent on us a for a few short years and then we'll have the rest of our lives to please ourselves doing whatever we want!

I feel sorry for any woman who is saddled with a self centred prick for a partner. It's like a millstone around your neck.

Stay strong OP. You are doing exactly the right thing.

I hope the police have been good to you.

You have absolutely done the right thing. How can you and your DD be safe around this man? All it takes is once for something really horrific to happen. What if he had missed you and hit your DD?

Please take care of yourself, I hope you are getting all the help you need.

Well done OP, hope you're talking to the police now and that H leaves soon. Stay strong.

MinnieBar Sat 16-Feb-13 16:36:05

Well done OP. It's absolutely not your fault if he loses his job - it was his choice to act the way he did, and only he is responsible.

FannyFifer Sat 16-Feb-13 16:36:37

Hope your ok OP, fingers crossed the bastard shows his true colours in front of police as well. Keep strong.

Figgygal Sat 16-Feb-13 16:55:55

What an arsehole!! Kick his. Arse out and i hope you have heard from his mother and she doesnt condone such shittiness.

Why would he lose his job OP?

Police have been & gone. I need more time to work out what I want to happen long term. But for now I'm happy that it's on record and I can say to DD no violence is acceptable. That's so important to me.

I've heard from MIL now and she's furious with him and worried about DD & me.

Don't know why H thinks his job would be at risk, he's private sector, not something like teacher/doctor/services. I think he wanted to worry me.

kinkyfuckery Sat 16-Feb-13 17:17:45

Was your H there when the police were there? What happened? Is he going to go and give you some space, or is he staying in the house with you?

You've been very brave this far. You are doing what is right for your daughter (((stealth hug)))

Euphemia Sat 16-Feb-13 17:21:07

Well done, you brave woman. You've totally done the right thing.

What an abusive shit. I'd be telling him to leave for sure.

He left before the police arrived. He's back here now. Very quiet. will be sleeping separately from us from now on. Will continue talking to him about moving out at least for a while - although I may take DD to my parents for a bit, she and they would love that anyway.

I will need him to seek proper help before I entertain any idea that things can be made better.

TheOriginalLadyFT Sat 16-Feb-13 17:23:10

I'm so sorry you are going through this, and well done on standing up to him

Re co sleeping, my DS slept with me for years, from the day he was born, and I a got all the usual "you'll squash/smother him/rod for your own back/never go in his own bed/will wet the bed" bollocks. When we were both ready, he slept in his own bed with no fuss, never once wet the bed and he is the most loving, kind child. Do what is right for you and your baby

5madthings Sat 16-Feb-13 17:28:30

Glad its on record and that mil is supporting you.

He needs to leave and give you some space.

Just wanted to say OP you are amazing for doing this, it can't be easy and you should be proud of yourself x

englishbreakfast Sat 16-Feb-13 17:36:00

well done OP for standing up to him. As regards to his excuse for not looking after DD during the night due to him working, well, that's what it is, an excuse. My DH is a SAHD, I work full time. Our DD is 23 months old and still sleeps in our bedroom (in her own cot bed). She is a poor sleeper, still wakes up a couple of times a night, sometimes staying awake for 2 -3 hours at a stretch. I'm up with her every time at night because she cries less / settles quicker with me, so I do it. Sometimes when she won't settle, we take her into our bed at night, my DH doesn't mind at all, in fact he prefers it as it's easier / more comfortable than sitting by her cot bed waiting (sometimes for a long time) for her to go back to sleep. Your DH sounds very selfish... and the violence towards you and threatening DD is inexcusable. I'm not sure if I could forgive... Hugs x

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 16-Feb-13 17:39:53

I'm slightly surprised the police do not wish to arrest him.

If they do they can get a protection order on your behalf preventing him coming back to the house.

Hopefully when the notification goes to social services they will be able to offer you support.

conkercon Sat 16-Feb-13 17:42:19

Well done OP. If he had shown that he was really devastated by his actions while I would have no sympathy for him at all I would have a little hope that you could work on the relationship. But that level of violence both actions and words and no remorse. Did he even say sorry for what he said about DD?

I asked him what he'd have done if I'd said that about DD - answer? Tell me I needed help. Which is what I said to him.

Cluffyfunt Sat 16-Feb-13 17:55:43

He doesn't think he did anything wrong and is re-writing history rather than feeling/showing remorse for his actions.
Very, very worrying.

Your dd will be very proud of you.
She is a lucky little girl to have such a strong Mum.

Flisspaps Sat 16-Feb-13 18:02:08

I am very surprised the police have left him in the house with you. Have they given you the number of a DV worker/officer or did they just take a statement and go?

Do you feel reasonably OK with how things have been left for tonight, and safe where you are ? I hope you feel OK x
Going to your parents for a bit could be an idea ?
Sounds good too that you've been able to talk with him about him maybe giving you both a bit of space at least for a while ?

Just took a statement. I said i didn't want to press charges yet which was probably silly but I've never been in this situation before - I'm not sure where my head's at.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 16-Feb-13 18:44:55

In the uk you don't actually have the right to press charges or not,in domestic violence cases they can and do prosecute without victim cooperation.

Did they not even give you the information leaflet / card The one with the helpline numbers on?

Flisspaps Sat 16-Feb-13 18:48:43

I am quite concerned for your safety tonight OP.

leelteloo Sat 16-Feb-13 18:48:55

Not surprised you are feeling all over the place: your world has been totally turned upside down. i think you definitely should try and get some space from him so you can sort things out in your own mind. Thinking of you.

FairPhyllis Sat 16-Feb-13 22:02:25

I am very surprised by the police. I honestly don't think he is safe for you and your DD to be around, tonight or any night. If he is going to be in the house is there anyone you can go and stay with?

Can you ask the police to flag up your address so that if you call 999 you will be prioritised?

MumVsKids Sun 17-Feb-13 00:04:32

I didn't think you had a choice in pressing charges or not anymore? confused

Tasmania Sun 17-Feb-13 01:58:11

I think some people are quick to judge your DH. None of us know what job he has. I know someone who's DH is a young doctor at a hospital in the USA. He suffered from sleep deprivation even before the baby came along. So for him to "help out" on those nights when he's not on call is not possible. As he is also currently the breadwinner of the family, this adds to the stress.

People who say "why doesn't he do nights", don't seem to think that a mum on maternity leave can typically sleep when baby sleeps during the day which isn't an option for the DH.

Personally, I don't think it's so bad for kids to sleep in their own room, but each to their own.

5madthings Sun 17-Feb-13 02:02:49

tasmania read the whole thread he has been abusive and violent towards the op.

Babies should sleep in the same room as their parents for the first 6mths as per SIDS guidelines.

And most men are quite capable of helping out at wkends or at least occasionally regardless of their job, even if he just does the early evening 8-12 so the op can get a decent chunk, he will still then get a good six hours which is fine.

But that is beside the point as the op's duh has been violent and abusive.

Tasmania Sun 17-Feb-13 02:03:20

Ok, so read a bit further and your DH has turned rather abusive. Has he ever been aggressive before your dc was born???

FairPhyllis Sun 17-Feb-13 02:06:10

Er Tasmania, OP's DH has now throttled her and threatened to 'break the baby in half'. This isn't the stress of being a breadwinner, this is a deeply fucked-up, abusive man.

FairPhyllis Sun 17-Feb-13 02:06:41

Sorry crossposted.

CuriousMama Sun 17-Feb-13 02:17:22

Well done you OP for getting the police involved. So sorry it's gone this far for you. He sounds unhinged sad

Tasmania Sun 17-Feb-13 02:27:07

FairPhyllis I was just wondering out of interest whether this happened before. Mothers suffering from PND can do cruel things, and apparently, it can happen with fathers, too.

See this shocking case here

Tasmania Sun 17-Feb-13 02:32:37

And here.

anonymosity Sun 17-Feb-13 04:29:58

You either embrace co-sleeping whole heartedly (both of you) or you don't. I don't think its something you can just do without talking it through first.

Both our DC's slept in their own beds from the start. BUT around 2/ 3 yrs old they would creep into our bed in the night. That was fine and we allowed it for 6-12 months when it seemed no one was sleeping anymore. I said "mummy and daddy need to sleep to look after you tomorrow and you need sleep too, so you need to go back to your own bed" and they were like "ok, makes sense". And that was the end of it.

But I think if we had put them in the bed with us as babies, we'd have never got them out again, tbh. Lovely though it can be, its not for everyone.

gruber Sun 17-Feb-13 05:22:15

How are you doing tonnight Nightmare? Thinking of you & hoping you're ok in the night.

amothersplaceisinthewrong Sun 17-Feb-13 06:22:45

Agree with aonymosity - you either embrace co sleeping completely or you don't. Personally, both DH and I woudl rather have had our teeth pulled than go in for the whole co-sleeping arrangement. Ours were in their own rooms from birth, (this is a while back) and I got up and fed them six night a week and DH did one night at the weekend. This only lasted 10 weeks thankfully before they slept through from 7-7.

I hope the OP is OK now.

We had one co-sleep and one that didn't. Both of them as older children slept like logs in their own bed. No rod from either of them.

I agree with the others, as you are dealing with the nights you should get the lion share of the decision making on where she sleeps.

ledkr Sun 17-Feb-13 07:33:15

Op-you have done really well reacting how you did well done. Many put up with many incidents like this before they react.
I just wanted to say that my exh was exactly the same at night. I woke him once when I was ill and he threatened to stab us all while we slept hmm I also logged that but it wasn't long before the marriage broke down anyway.
By comparison my 2nd dh does.more nights than me because he sees it exhausts me and gives me headaches. I think this is because he cares about how I feel which my ex obviously didn't.
Don't back down unless he genuinely wants to change and takes steps to do so as this behaviour will escalate over time.
Don't think you have taught him a lesson by involving police and mil because the only lesson he has learnt us that a fuss will be made which will lead to nothing so he can get away with this type of behaviour.
I'm not far from brum and I know there is a lot of support there for dv.
Give me a shout if you want me to suggest where to go.

Flisspaps Sun 17-Feb-13 07:55:47

<wishes people would RTFT>

OP, I asked MNHQ if they'd move this to relationships rather than
AIBU, but they've said that they'll move it if you want it moving. You might get fewer people responding to the now irrelevant co-sleeping issue if you do that smile

Oh I'm sorry.

Night passed safely and quietly for DD and I. She slept much better, only waking once to come into my bed.

I don't know about not being able to not press charges - I said I wanted the incident logged and that was all, the policemen wrote it all down, I signed it, he agreed that nothing would happen. He's since left a msg on my voicemail but what with one thing and another I haven't had a chance to listen yet.

I think I will ask for this to be moved - do I just report one of my posts to do that?

Queenofthehill Sun 17-Feb-13 08:29:42

OP, how are you this morning? Hope you and DD are OK and managed some sleep.

Flisspaps Sun 17-Feb-13 08:32:49

Yes, nightmare, just report and they'll contact you. Go and listen to your voicemail too x

Glad to hear you've had a safe, quiet night x

MinnieBar Sun 17-Feb-13 10:06:41

Where was your H last night OP?

kinkyfuckery Sun 17-Feb-13 10:37:20

OP, do you feel you and your DD are safe? Are you in any way scared that your H will act like that again?

OliviaMumsnet (MNHQ) Sun 17-Feb-13 10:40:21

further to a request from the Op we have moved this to relationshios
Hope you are okay op.

Thanks Olivia.

H was in the spare room last night but I didn't feel unsafe - I think the police visiting fired a warning shot across the bows - that o won't tolerate violence at all. All the same i'm calling DParents today to ask if DD and I can come stay for a while.

I don't think H would do it again but then I didn't think he would do it at all. Been together 10 years and no signs previously.

MushroomSoup Sun 17-Feb-13 12:31:19

Have you rang your parents?
Just wanted to say I think you're incredibly brave. Well done!

Well done for staying so strong. Hope the phone call with your parents is ok, I know mine would be distraught if I made the same phone call sad

Glad you're going to stay with DParents for a while.
When are you thinking of going ?

Lueji Sun 17-Feb-13 15:54:02

Just seen this and skimmed through past posts.

What he did to you is quite bad and what he said he'd do to DD is shocking.

Please do get him out of the house, or you leave. Staying at your parents is an excellent idea. Please do not come back until he leaves. And then change the locks.

You are not safe, even if he seems better now. sad

The likelihood that he'll do it again is very high, particularly as you have taken him back home again.

I was quite soft regarding ex, even letting him back on after calling the police on him. But, the time he mentioned hurting DS I was out of the door with DS as a flash within a couple of hours, in fact, and never came back, nor have I allowed unsupervised contact.

Your H is dangerous.

I'm at my parents now. They've been being brilliant - Mum is offering me food like it's going out of fashion and Dad won't stop making cups of tea. DD loving the attention also. I have heard a mention of 'poor H must be under so much stress with his work' though.

Anyway now I've got the space I need to process what's happened. I'll be posting sporadically - no internet access down here and phone coverage patchy! But I will update.

Lueji Sun 17-Feb-13 16:45:24

Good news.

FWIW, stress doesn't justify what he did or said.

Regardless, if that was the case, he should have removed himself from the home when he realised what he did and said.

Think very carefully about what you'd go back to. It may not be so easy to get out next time.

Keep safe.

Great news - well done NW - You are awesome !

Onwards and upwards smile

Flisspaps Sun 17-Feb-13 17:12:52

I would be very clear with your parents that stress from work is irrelevant - he wouldn't do what he did to someone in the street or to his boss, would he?

Don't let them minimise it either. Glad you're safe though smile

Skyebluesapphire Sun 17-Feb-13 17:14:06

Just read through your posts, I'm glad that you reported it to the police and that you are in a safe place with your parents.

Your H should be beside himself for what he did/said, and if he isn't, then you should think very carefully about your future. If he can't see that what he did was so so wrong, then it could easily happen again.

I guess it will be a big shock for them too - possibly a reason though not an excuse for some slightly misguided comments ?
Am so glad that you said DD and DParents will enjoy their time together !
Hope it's a good place for you to be too x

ComradeJing Mon 18-Feb-13 00:44:11

Thinking of you NW. Keep safe and keep posting for support.

McGilly Mon 18-Feb-13 02:33:03

Good luck OP you deserve some spoiling too.

McGilly Mon 18-Feb-13 02:33:47

Erm, spoiling as in ... Some indulgence and treats!

WoTmania Mon 18-Feb-13 11:53:14

I'm glad to hear you've spolent ot he police and got this logged and are now at your parents'. Hopefully this will give you some room and time to recuperate and rest and gather your thoughts.

leelteloo Tue 19-Feb-13 18:01:15

Hi Nightmare, how's things? You've been in my thoughts. I hope you are getting the space you need to think about things.

GammerBeavis Wed 20-Feb-13 11:00:19

I've read this and feel for you. Good for calling the police. Nobody should have violence used against them. Another avenue to use could be your health visitor? They wouldn't tolerate violence and threats towards a baby and towards the mother.

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