Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

No contact for a month - why can't I just let go?

(33 Posts)
thimblena Mon 11-Feb-13 15:46:29

After a 5 year relationship DP stopped contacting me. The week before all had been fine, then nothing.

Well when I say fine I mean that the relationship had started off with lots of passion but was admittedly on its last legs and probably time for us to both move on. We didn't hate each other, just got a little bored with each other and weren't making each other a priority, but he continued to say he wanted us to be together for always etc etc.

But a month ago he stops contacting me; didn't return a couple of calls I made to him; nothing.

I know he's still alive - saw his car outside his workplace.

I want this relationship to have ended and I want to move on, but I keep thinking about him - not in a longing, loving way - just irritated at why he couldn't give our relationship a better ending than this. I'm not the sort to start screaming and threatening or begging him not to dump me, so I don't really understand it. Yes, he might have an OW, but even if he did surely he could have ended our relatinship better than this - it was very special once for both of us.

I really don't understand why I can't just put him out of my mind, rather than hoping I've got a text from him or that I'll bump into him somewhere. I've got no intention of engineering a meeting as I don't want him anymore......so why am I still clinging on to him? It ridiculous.

LouMacca Mon 11-Feb-13 16:01:15

This is really shoddy behaviour after a 5 year relationship. 5 years seems a long time without living together - any reason for this?

He may have another OW - men (and some women) deal with things by ignoring them, burying their head in the sand and hoping that the problem will go away. This is what it sounds like to me. I think it's probable that there is someone else at this moment in time.

Hard as it is please try and get on with your life and hopefully if or when he does contact you then you can tell him you have moved on..... his loss.

Numberlock Mon 11-Feb-13 16:21:18

In the majority of cases I'm all for maintaining a dignified silence.

But in this case I'd be letting him have it with both barrels.

Fine he doesn't want to see you again but to take the coward's way out and just ignore you is pathetic. And after 5 years??

Some times people just need telling. And it might give you the closure you're looking for.

Walkacrossthesand Mon 11-Feb-13 16:29:00

Have you got anything of his (book, CD etc) that you can post to him with a little covering note saying 'returning these because i assume we're over, have a nice life'...

Merl0t Mon 11-Feb-13 16:35:54

A month is no time at all. u r still processing it. his time next month u migbt feel a bit better.

Merl0t Mon 11-Feb-13 16:39:11

Uf he dudnt have the decency to formally end things after five years he is immature and a coward. most people could face the awkward conersation for the sake of common decency. what a poor character he has, to feel he can just fade away after five years

Jellykat Mon 11-Feb-13 17:08:59

You have had no closure, the 'its the end of the line' conversation never happened, you never had the chance to speak.. No wonder you're finding it difficult to let go!
Well what a disrespectful cowardly piece of crap he is!
Of course (and bearing in mind that he still continued to say he wanted you to be together for always) he could be trying to keep his options open by not drawing a line under it all.
I'm thinking you should send him an email/ letter to end it, in the hope it may give YOU an ending in your head IYSWIM, and give you the chance to start to move on.

SorryMyLollipop Mon 11-Feb-13 17:44:53

What Numberlock said. Both barrels. What a way to behave!!!!! angry

lowercase Mon 11-Feb-13 18:03:21

No wonder you can't get over it, he has taken all the decisions here.
Powerless!
I would try to maintain a dignified silence...rise above it.
He is really not worth any more of your time.

SorryMyLollipop Mon 11-Feb-13 18:35:43

How about pretending to be under the impression that you are still an item and walk in to his place of work with a stack of holiday brochures and ask where he thinks the two of you should go this year? See his reaction.

thimblena Mon 11-Feb-13 19:01:03

Lou We didn't live together as I have DC and he was rather needy and clingy to start with, so it didn't seem appropriate to move him in, though he would certainly have been willing.

Number I'm still favouring the dignified silence at the present time ....though both barrels may come later. You're right Lower he's not worth it.

Merl Immature/coward/poor character - couldn't agree more. And a disrespectful cowardly piece of crap to boot (tar Jelly)

Walk - this suggestion has possibilities - thank you.

Sorry - holidays brochures.....love it grin

ModernToss Mon 11-Feb-13 19:55:50

I agree. You can't let go because he has denied you any form of closure, and after five years you deserve that.

If it's still bothering you, I think you should contact him as Walk says.

Well it is rather naff of him to behave like this (and it does sound as though he has met someone else), but it also sounds as though this relationship was a bit of an inertia one for both of you. I think you just have to let it go, and in another year or so you will wonder what you were bothered about. But if you try to get hold of him to point out how impolite he has been, even though he hasn't behaved well, you will end up looking like a whiny Klingon who can't accept being dumped, and in the future it will feel better to remember that you hung on to your dignity.

elliebellys Mon 11-Feb-13 20:12:44

thinblena,i feel your pain,mine walked away after 17 years together,no explanation just cut all contact.they are cowards for the way these men act.

Snazzynewyear Mon 11-Feb-13 20:19:04

This is cowardly. I would eBay anything of his you have and spend anything you make on a treat for yourself. If you do see him around I would also be tempted to make out that you have no idea who he is. But I'm probably being immature smile I'd also be tempted to send him a (very formal and brief) message of some sort saying that you've decided the relationship is over and not to contact you again grin hopefully that will make him annoyed that he left the gap for you to do that!

Numberlock Mon 11-Feb-13 20:19:42

I disagree, SGB, I would find it hugely satisfying to tell him under what circumstances did he think I put up with shite behaviour like this without calling him to task. Fuck whether that makes me appear a 'whiny Klingon', sometimes things just need spelling out. Then I'd move on.

Snazzynewyear Mon 11-Feb-13 20:22:46

By the way, I knew someone who had a similar thing happen in that her partner was supposed to come over one weekend and just didn't show. Rang the hospitals, family, nothing. Rang his workplace on the Monday and he told them to tell her to put his stuff in a bag and drop it off there because it was over. angry She was devastated at the time but had the satisfaction about 2 years later of him coming up to her in a pub and saying how wrong he'd been and begging her to take him back. She declined grin

Don't give him the satisfaction.

What a prize prick .. And after 5 years? I know you can't believe it, neither could I. I'll never understand it, but I care so little for it, it's not an issue, and you'll get there too.

You've dodged a bullet. You're in turmoil just now, it's hard. You've managed a month, keep it going, stay strong . Don't look back, he isn't what you thought..

But hey OP, you know that now. You've got a life to lead !

thimblena Mon 11-Feb-13 20:53:37

Thanks so much for your postings - they've really helped me so much. Its easy to lose perspective when you're dwelling on someone else's crap behaviour towards you.

So sorry this has has happened to others too. ellie 17 years! My God, what a bastard.

Yes Chaos he's not what I thought and I'm so glad, and inspired, to hear that you've moved on from something similar.

thanks

Numberlock Mon 11-Feb-13 21:04:57

Glad you feel better, thimble. Hope you've got some good friends and some nights out

Numberlock Mon 11-Feb-13 21:05:36

... planned to keep your spirits up.

LouMacca Tue 12-Feb-13 08:06:43

Hi op. Lots of different advice. Have you decided what you are going to do?

An ex-boyfriend did the same to me. He decided to just stop contacting me or answer the phone, etc. The leaving you in a kind of limbo thing is really unfair. The really pathetic thing is that I'm almost certain that he reason we split up is that he couldn't take me being cleverer and more successful than him. He was clearly a useless coward and I was definitely better off without him.

Just move on with your life and don't give him a backwards glance.

thimblena Tue 12-Feb-13 15:42:07

Lou I have decided what to do, and that is to carry on with a dignified silence for now. At some time in the future, when it suits me, I may bundle up his bits of tat and send them to him with a suitable message wink.

But what I've actually gained from this thread which has been so valuable is the realisation that this has happened to other people. I thought it was something unique to me, I really did.

More thanks for you all.

And when I can manage to stop giggling over Sorry's holiday brochure suggestion I'm going to get back out in the big wide world and see what's out there smile

Katla Tue 12-Feb-13 20:55:36

Don't keep his tat - chuck it away and move on. You decide and call the shots. You deserve better and at least he is gone with no effort on your part. It has worked out for the best and you will look back and be thankful that he left. flowers

thimblena Tue 12-Feb-13 22:29:13

His tat is gone! Why didn't I think of just binning it?! confused

Well done, I know it's still very hard for you. Keep strong, keep posting here if you're tempted to go crazy at him!

LouMacca Wed 13-Feb-13 17:24:41

Well done OP - you're doing great!! I've no doubt he will contact you at some point and I really hope you've moved on by then and you can tell him to get lost x

Walkacrossthesand Wed 13-Feb-13 17:58:24

Great - and if contacts you and gets arsey that you binned it, tell him that a few weeks is plenty long enough to keep someone else's stuff if they've walked without a word ...

thimblena Wed 13-Feb-13 19:09:12

I did have an urge to check to see if he was at work confused so I drove in the direction of his workplace, but got distracted by my oil light coming on. I'd reached my destination before I remembered that I had planned to turn off and go via the road where he works. smile

Jellykat Wed 13-Feb-13 19:30:23

Ooo well done!
Sounds like a bit of modern day 'divine intervention', that was perfectly timed! grin

Thimbelena you are not alone, I think it happens more than we think. A friend of mine was planning his wedding with live in gf of 10 years, she left for work in the morning and he never saw her again. Last night's clothes on the floor, no signs at all. Your exDP was a coward, whether he had 'reasons' or not, the way he has behaved is unforgivable and he doesn't deserve any more thought from you. I have a feeling you are going to have a fine time in your new life.

thimblena Thu 14-Feb-13 22:55:00

I do hope so Juliette. Today was quite difficult as (annoyingly) I hoped he might acknowldge Valentine's Day (not that I've ever cared about it before). And I know that if he had sent a card or whatever I wouldn't have wanted him or his scrubby little card, but its simply not nice being dumped in this way - its mean and unkind and I'm hurt, even though I don't want him sad

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now