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I want to call OW - please talk to me about why I should or shouldn't

(77 Posts)
AloneSoon Mon 11-Feb-13 11:49:49

H had a long affair which I found out about a few weeks ago.

I have the OW mobile number and I want to call her and ask if it really started when he says it did (was it going on longer)? Did she really think it was all over between me and him? What lies did he spin her?

I know deep down that I will not achieve anything constructive. But by god I want to do it.

KirstyoffEastenders Mon 11-Feb-13 11:52:12

She will most likely hang up and you'll feel worse.

If you really want to talk to her send her a text and then she can call you if she wants to.

CartedOff Mon 11-Feb-13 11:54:16

You will in all likelihood not get the answers you want, a mouthful of abuse is far more likely. Or her repeating what your husband told her about you back at you. And that will be horrible to hear. She will probably be defensive and angry. You take a big risk of exposing yourself to more hurt if you ring her.

fieldfare Mon 11-Feb-13 11:55:13

I would advise against it. You'll only feel worse afterwards.

Tough I know, but I really wouldn't do it.

AloneSoon Mon 11-Feb-13 11:55:16

But then she'd have forewarning to concoct a story with H.

I know there's very little chance of me getting any info out of her. But I still want to call her.

May have to hide my phone!

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 11-Feb-13 11:56:05

Your problem is not with the OW it is with your husband.... She's an easy target because she's 'other' but he was the one that promised to love, honour and blah blah blah but has welshed on the deal. Direct your anger where it truly belongs.

AloneSoon Mon 11-Feb-13 11:58:01

This is so hard. It's unbelievable how someone betraying your trust can make you hurt.

I shall not call her. I should hide her number somewhere really inaccessible so I'm not tempted next time I have a glass of wine.

Rooneyisalwaysmoaning Mon 11-Feb-13 11:58:53

1. She will be frightened of you, and she may be unpleasant. Or lie to you.

2. You will not know if you have got the truth from her.

3. It's not really you place to call her, you have no role in her life and she has none in yours - you're both connected to your H, that's all and owe one another nothing.

I'm not sure it will do any good. Unless you wish to forge a relationship with her over your husband - I've had someone try and do this with me before (and changed my number - he had left her to be with me, then gone back to her when I dumped him, but she couldn't believe he wasn't still seeing me)

I think you're best keeping away from her, I really do.

NettleTea Mon 11-Feb-13 11:59:01

chances are he has already told her what to say if it was several weeks ago. She may hope that things will be resumed if she does what he asks, so you may not necessarily get the truth. She may also be angry as she may or may not have known about you, and she might make things out to be far worse than they were to try to split you and him up, if she feels he is a prize worth causing trouble for, or if she wants revenge.
She may be frightened about what she thinks you might do to her, and she could accuse you of harrassment and get the police involved if she feels threatened.
You have to remember that he has lied to you and most probably lied to her as well. She may well have thought he was separated or divorced, or if this has been going on for a long time, that he was leaving, and has kept her hanging on a string with hollow promises for ages.
If you dont trust your husband has told you the truth (and given he has been lying to both of yo for some time, thats quite probable) then that is what you should be focussing on.

Because it will give her a thrill, make her part of the drama, see herself as really important.

Don't do it.

AloneSoon Mon 11-Feb-13 11:59:36

Thanks everyone. I know I shouldn't. It would just feel so good to be doing something. But I won't.

scaevola Mon 11-Feb-13 12:00:03

Unless you think the affair is continuing and the OW doesn't know he's married (in which case, a short unemotional conversation to impart that fact might be worthwhile) then don't do it because there is no point.

You won't get truth or closure from her.

Spellcheck Mon 11-Feb-13 12:01:48

Nooooo!! From experience I can tell you that will regret it!

Pro's: You will feel you've got it off your chest; You might find out something

Cons: You will feel weakened, and a bit pathetic in her eyes; she will not feel guilty; she will think you are crazy, perpetuating all the shit your H will have fed her about you; It will increase their cosy bond; She won't tell you everything... oh God the list is endless, seriously.

Please, please think about it first! If you decide to do it then at least write a script for yourself first. And stick to it. Don't be hysterical! Be calm and strong. Don't let her put the phone down on you before you've said you will send on his fungal foot powder and piles cream.

Bastard. I've been where you are and it's crazy-making, but always best not to let the fuckers know. Seriously. xx

AloneSoon Mon 11-Feb-13 12:02:09

Some good points - thank you.

She did see him as a god catch - he's an exec, earns loads on the face of it (she doesn't know about his debts). So she might make things even harder.

I guess my real problem is that the trust has completely gone. I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust that way again.

Scootee Mon 11-Feb-13 12:02:32

She will lie to you. She is deceitful and has proved this by being with a married man. Don't call her, she's a liar and it will not help.

Rooneyisalwaysmoaning Mon 11-Feb-13 12:03:06

The thing is it won't make her feel more important imo, it'll make your husband think he's shifted some of the responsibility though. And that's not a good thing.

AloneSoon Mon 11-Feb-13 12:05:01

Ok, I'm feeling better now about not calling her. Thanks Spellcheck - crazy-making is exactly the right phrase.

Any benefit of getting things off my chest will be far outweighed by the negatives. I will look like the crazy harping woman and she'll milk that to H.

Rooneyisalwaysmoaning Mon 11-Feb-13 12:06:15

Some OWs are really relieved to tell the whole story to the wife/someone/anyone who will listen. she may not lie. But you won't believe her even if she tells you everything you want to know.

I know this from experience. I told the truth whenI was contacted and it was never enough - she was just deflecting the questioning/mistrust onto me, instead of her H who it actually mattered that she trusted. She still didn't believe me and kept ringing me up to ask again and again.

It shouldn't have mattered what I said anyway.

AnyFucker Mon 11-Feb-13 12:06:18

Are you and H trying to mend your relationship ?

if so, he should not be in contact with her at all.

ethelb Mon 11-Feb-13 12:06:23

In the nicest way possible, no you shouldn't as she owes you no more than the next person tbh. So she will get defensive, and nasty and everyone will be more upset all round.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 11-Feb-13 12:07:09

"She is deceitful and has proved this by being with a married man. "

Cards on the table here... I've been the OW before now. Very discreet and no-one ever found out. If the DW had called me I would have been quite surprised but my answer would have been 'talk to your husband'... not gloating, lying or whatever else people are assuming. Affairs may be hurtful when revealed and OWs may be misguided but they generally do not have three heads.

AloneSoon Mon 11-Feb-13 12:07:29

It's just that she fucking knew he was married AND she fucking met my kids. Who were obviously still viewing mummy and dad day as one unit.

I am pissed off at her. I am pissed off far more at H but I am still pissed off at her.

BiteTheTopsOffIcedGems Mon 11-Feb-13 12:08:04

Instead write down to us what you want to say, get it off your chest. Or write her a note and tear it up.
Mumsnet is good for swearing if you want us to help out.
Just don't contact her. It will be worse for you if you do.

ethelb Mon 11-Feb-13 12:10:02

"It's just that she fucking knew he was married AND she fucking met my kids."
"She is deceitful and has proved this by being with a married man. "

So did your husband I am afraid.

MoodyDidIt Mon 11-Feb-13 12:11:26

i'm gonna go against the grain here and say call her

tbh most OW's get fucked over by the men as well (i know not as much as the DWs before anyone jumps on me) ...i would imagine she would tell you the truth as she has nothing to lose now, your dh does.

and yes i know this from experience as an OW, sorry....

Rooneyisalwaysmoaning Mon 11-Feb-13 12:12:53

so it's not about asking her how long? Is it more you just want to confront her?

BornToFolk Mon 11-Feb-13 12:13:17

She'll lie to you and you won't feel any better. Delete her number.

One of the hardest things I had to accept when exP had his affair was that I was never, ever going to know the full truth of what happened. In my case it didn't really matter as exP left once he was discovered and decided he didn't want to try again with me (I was still considering it). I just had to make my peace with being lied to and I think I have now.

PeppermintPasty Mon 11-Feb-13 12:14:20

I had unwelcome contact from the ow often, my dp was a bastard at the time, but she was a fruitloop. When it all came crashing down she practically stalked me, thinking he was hiding out at mine (he wasn't).

Prior to her behaving like this, I had confronted her when I didn't know for sure and she lied and lied and took great pleasure in it(I later found out). And yes, my confronting her gave her confidence-it made her think she "had me on the run" (that was her mindset) and I think I opened myself up to her later unwanted attention.

I felt very sorry for her in the end, still do a bit.

What I'm trying clumsily to say, is that you just never know what's going on in someone else's head, what with the lies he may have fed her too. It is ultimately pointless, but I think you know this. And with the distance of years, I know now that my subsequent course of action-ie stepping away and not feeding the beast, made the drama die away for them both a lot quicker.

How is your husband behaving now? Are you getting the answers you want/need?

ItsOkayItsJustMyBreath Mon 11-Feb-13 12:15:44

I contacted the last OW and I don't feel too bad about it. She was so awful and I just wanted her to realise the consequences of their actions (ds now only sees his dad a couple of times a week). I had found their stupid sexy messages to each other and wanted to embarrass her which I think I did. I had already decided to throw X out and wanted her to feel a bit of pain too. I also wanted her to know that he had done it before and that she wasn't special.

Not very mature, I know, but it did make me feel so much better. Just look at why you want to contact her and what you want to achieve from talking to her. If you are feeling very fragile I wouldn't recommend it.

AloneSoon Mon 11-Feb-13 12:15:51

We are trying to mend our relationship.

I'm not sure if I will be able to get over this now. It's starting to really sink in, the amount of lying he did over the 8 months this affair was going on.

AnyFucker Mon 11-Feb-13 12:18:31

he should not be in contact with her

The fact that you are worried that if you speak to her, she will run to your H is a massive red flag

Chubfuddler Mon 11-Feb-13 12:19:31

Off load to us

Do not contact her. She will either lie, or she'll enjoy the power trip, or even if she isn't a cow you won't believe what she says. So it's all pointless.

ItsOkayItsJustMyBreath Mon 11-Feb-13 12:19:52

I really feel for you. Remember, you don't have to make any decisions right now. Take your time and think of yourself.

Spellcheck Mon 11-Feb-13 12:20:17

So he's told you what he wants you to hear and you don't trust him? Are you patching things up?
It's probably best if you leave her out of it, really. He did the dirty on you, if he's decided they are over and he's staying with you then he's made his choice. Part of the recovery together may be you having to accept that you may never find out everything. A hideous thing to contemplate, I know.
I found out things about my exH and his affair (with someone who worked for me in our company) bit-by-bit, over time, and every new piece of info killed me. It was never enough, I went on digging and hunting and destroyed myself and any hope of mending things in the process. I should have accepted what he told me, alongside the fact that he wanted to make amends, and worked with that and our counselling.
We would probably have split up anyway but I would have emerged with more dignity.

PeppermintPasty Mon 11-Feb-13 12:20:19

Well, I'm sorry for what you are going through. Prepare yourself for the ups and the downs, ime they go on for a long long time. We are 6 or 7 years past, and there are still repercussions. Not around ow of course, but the mammoth deceit.

Try a bit of counselling if you haven't already, it doesn't cure things, but it helps heal, IF you have a good counsellor, so choose with care! (excuse me if you already are, not teaching you to suck eggs etc etc)

CartedOff Mon 11-Feb-13 12:20:23

Just remember that it's okay to have some physical space away from your H and want to mend your relationship at the same time. You don't have to force yourself into fixing mode right away, you need time to think things through.

ivykaty44 Mon 11-Feb-13 12:20:31

Ok so you phone the OW and you ask her

when did the affair start - she will probably confirm your stbex lied

what lies did he spin ow/her - you know he has lied to her, so leave her in an illusion that he only lies to others

if you are trying to mend your relationship then the biggest part is going to be trust - you don't trust him now as you want confirmation of his lies, how is that goign to help you rebuild your relationship?

AloneSoon Mon 11-Feb-13 12:21:17

I know, I know that he is the real liar and not her.

But I can't help how I feel. I am angry with her, but after reading all the posts, I am not angry enough to call her and escalate the whole thing. She probably does feel betrayed too - who knows what lies he spun her about me and him. I just don't have it in me to feel sorry for her though!

CoteDAzur Mon 11-Feb-13 12:22:35

If you call her, she will probably call your H. It's the perfect excuse to call him "Your W called me today, and I thought I'd let you know".

I'm guessing that you don't really want those to be in contact again.

PeppermintPasty Mon 11-Feb-13 12:22:41

You are right to be angry with her as well as him. Go easy on yourself and give it a bit of time

ivykaty44 Mon 11-Feb-13 12:25:57

are you angry with your partner? Or just angry with her?

tbh why would you want to telephone her and make yourself vulnerable to her? which is what you will do if you pick up the phone, she can tell you wahtever she likes - she could also lie if she thinks you are ging to stay together - she oculd cause you more heartache.

if you want to stay with your other half then you need to try ans wade through his lies not worry about whether someone else is lieing as well

AloneSoon Mon 11-Feb-13 12:26:21

A few new posts while I was typing that.

I think what I really need is someone to offload to. Someone to rant to, say what this has done to me, work out a way of getting through it with dignity.

I am directing all the energy I should be spending on working out what I want, into needing to know exactly what happened. It's actually kind of enough to know as much as I do already. He's betrayed me in all ways - emotionally, physically and mentally.

How do I find a good counsellor who will work with me on what I want long term?

Spellcheck Mon 11-Feb-13 12:27:42

Hmm sorry OP, cross-posted with everyone. I'm typing very slowly on hateful iPad one-handed while I feed baby from new, much better, though cash-poorer relationship with caring, considerate fabulous man. See - affair doesn't always mean the end of the world...

Loads of experience and hand-holding on Mumsnet, everyone here will get you through, no matter what happens!

PeppermintPasty Mon 11-Feb-13 12:27:48
AloneSoon Mon 11-Feb-13 12:27:50

To the poster that asked - I am seriously pissed off at him. Much angrier with him than her. He's the one who had two women dangling at the same time.

AloneSoon Mon 11-Feb-13 12:30:24

Spellcheck - that's good to hear that you moved on and have a new family - congrats on the baby!

I always thought infidelity would be the deal breaker. That I would throw him out. But I haven't. And I don't know what I want longer term.

Thanks for the link - will look it up.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 11-Feb-13 12:31:25

Is your real problem that you feel obliged to keep the marriage going? Have you told him to sling his hook?

IfNotNowThenWhen Mon 11-Feb-13 12:33:21

I wouldn't.
She may well contact you though.
I was in your position a few years ago-my H had a secret affair for a long time. After I found out I wanted to rip her head off, but did nothing. Then a bit later I received an email from her-a long, self-pitying, utterly deluded email which professed to acknowledge my hurt, but actually was just to try and justify the relationship, and let me know exactly how long it had been going on.
After reading that, I realised how pointless getting into any kind of dialogue would be, and sent back 2 lines : "Stay away from me.I am not interested."
And then ignored any further contact.
After I had left H and re-started my life, I felt like I had kept my dignity. Besides which, he was an abusive twat, so actually OW did me a favour.

AloneSoon Mon 11-Feb-13 12:33:50

And CoteDAzur makes a very good point. H is showing me any texts or emails he receives from her. He is not responding. If I call her, she has something to engage him with.

I will not call her.

You have all made me feel better - thank you so much. I probably would have worked myself up and ended up calling her if I hadn't posted.

ivykaty44 Mon 11-Feb-13 12:34:51

it isn't easy either way - whether you stay together or part, working out what you want is the main thing to concentrate on, not what he did or she did.

Concentrate on thinking about you where do you see yourself in your life and what do you think will make you happy and contented

AloneSoon Mon 11-Feb-13 12:40:29

I do feel a bit like I am obliged to try. We have young DC and have been together since we were young.

Just had a call from the Relate counsellor we saw last year (called them last week to see if she had any spaces free). We only spoke briefly and she said 'you don't have to decide what you want to do for the rest of your life right now. It is perfectly ok to make a decision that works for you for you short term and change your mind a few months later'.

Perhaps that's what I need. To really take my time working out if I can get over the deceit and not stress a out making a decision to make a go of it, forever, right now.

AloneSoon Mon 11-Feb-13 12:42:52

Arghh, my typing has gone to pot as I'm getting upset.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 11-Feb-13 12:47:45

If you feel obliged to try then the temptation is to take out your frustration on others rather than the person who has betrayed your trust. If you desperately want things to be OK then you'll be trying to find reasons to blame others. You'd rather believe his head was turned by some merciless nutcase of a female than believe he embraced this situation voluntarily or willingly.

I think it's too soon to decide to make a go of things quite honestly.

AnyFucker Mon 11-Feb-13 12:52:18

Has he pushed you for a decision either way ?

because if he has, it smacks of him wanting all this brushed under the carpet.

Which does not bode well for the chances of a repeat performance, I am afraid

AloneSoon really sorry you're going through this. I just wanted to add my voice to the 'don't call her' camp...

A close friend of mine went through something similar a few years ago. She phoned the OW and it did nothing other than make my friend even more upset and confused than she already was. Don't engage with her in any shape or form. Concentrate on looking after yourself and don't waste precious energy on her smile

AloneSoon Mon 11-Feb-13 13:11:17

He has said he really wants to make it work and is certainly acting that way. He's not pushing but kind of assuming that I will work through this with him.

That could be because I've already said I would give it a go. I should have said that I am not ready to make that decision - thinking about it, I really am not.

I need to take my time and talk to someone in RL, don't I? I need to stop deflecting my anger into finding things out about the affair and all the details and stop spending any time or headspace in thinking about the OW.

It's so bloody difficult in this online world. I can go on Twitter and see what she's thinking. So hard to resist.

FiercePanda Mon 11-Feb-13 13:23:36

If he's really serious about trying to amend for his massive betrayal, he'll be willing to do anything that helps you. If you think him leaving the family home for a time while you get some headspace, he'll agree. If you insist on no contact with OW, he'll agree (it's good to see he's showing you all texts and not responding, but has he told OW he's focusing on repairing his marriage and she is not to contact him again? If not, perhaps he should?), if you insist on counselling, he'll agree. He needs to be absolutely willing to dance to your tune, for want of a better phrase. If you need space to decide what you want, he should be understanding and give you that space.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 11-Feb-13 13:28:01

He may be acting a particular way but if your first instinct is to check his story with the OW you clearly don't trust or believe what he's telling you. That's pretty fundamental stuff and, ultimately, that's the part of the relationship that may never get fixed.

Viviennemary Mon 11-Feb-13 13:32:49

I can see why you are tempted. But if she is the kind of person to date a married man she's hardly likely to be an honest and truthful person. So there is no guarantee that she would tell you the truth anyway. So I don't think there is much point. But if you feel you must then go ahead but take anything she says with a large bucket pinch of salt.

piratecat Mon 11-Feb-13 13:33:01

you might find out alot of things you didn't know about their affair. He probably lied to her as well, so you'd have to be prepared for her truth, if she was honest that is.

Very difficult, as you don't know how transparent he is being to save your feelings.

piratecat Mon 11-Feb-13 13:35:20

She might not be some hell bent revenge banshee, she may well have info you need to digest op. I would want to know/try.

Viviennemary Mon 11-Feb-13 13:40:08

If I had the courage, and I probably wouldn't have, I'd go to her house face to face. But I expect people don't think that is a good idea. But that is what I would feel like doing in your situation but whether I would do it or not is another matter.

AnyFucker Mon 11-Feb-13 13:42:17

You can change your mind any time you like, and he will have to swallow it, poor diddums

You were mistaken to give him his "I forgive you and want to move on" get out cluase so soon

Tell him you have further examined your conscience (the one that should be protecting you not him) and you have been hasty. You now feel you simply do not know if you can get past this. It's the truth, and you should both be tellign each other the truth

Could you clarify how much and in what form the continued contact consists of that he has with OW. You seem to be glossing over that.

AloneSoon Mon 11-Feb-13 13:46:42

When I started this thread, I thought I needed to know every last excruciating detail about the affair, and to have all the information that H has told me corroborated by the OW.

Having read the various advice (and thank you again), that's not actually what I want. It's enough knowing that I was betrayed and my trust broken. I won't go into details but H has told me all sorts of things already - what they got up to, what lies he was telling me etc. This is because I was asking him when I found out and told him that he had to be open and answer any and all questions if he wanted me to consider staying with him. He did.

I'm going to stop looking at Twitter, Facebook etc. I'm not going to call her. I'm not going to give OW any more headspace. I've booked a counselling session and will use my energy in working out what I want, and taking however long I need to take, to decide.

I won't have a chance to come back for a while - so thanks everyone again.

AnyFucker Mon 11-Feb-13 13:49:26

I am glad this thread has helped you

AnitaManeater Mon 11-Feb-13 13:49:39

I did contact the OW, just a non sweary text to say thanks for meddling in mine and the kids lives, within about 20 mins of discovering the affair. In hindsight I would not have given her the pleasure. She didn't reply and I felt angry with myself for letting her know I was hurt.

About a week later she messaged me some deluded nonsense on facebook, having used my mobile number to find my profile. I'm afraid complicit OW are just as untrustworthy as the cheating husband - I don't recommend engaging with them as they will try and drag you down to their level. You are better than this.

AloneSoon Mon 11-Feb-13 13:49:45

Continued contact- there is none now. Last week she sent him a few texts (he didn't respond). She emailed him asking for help with some work. He did email her back on that and showed me. He said he wouldn't be able to help anymore. She hasn't contacted him since - he shows me his phone and leaves it lying around where I can see it. He used to lock it and hide it away when the affair was going on.

AnyFucker Mon 11-Feb-13 13:52:04

Ok, fair enough. I just got a little alarm bell going off when your first thought about what might happen if you contacted her is that she would share it with your H. She should have no way of doing that.

AloneSoon Mon 11-Feb-13 13:53:35

AnyFucker - can I also say thank you to you. You won't remember but I posted on here a few months ago (different name) asking for advice because things didn't feel right. You said there might be more to it, and that stuck with me and helped me trust my 'intuition'.... Which led to me finding out about the affair.

And now I know that there is always a script when it comes to affairs!

AnyFucker Mon 11-Feb-13 13:57:54

Ah, that gut feeling rarely does you wrong

Trust it now

Good luck x

Xales Mon 11-Feb-13 17:20:35

Going to ask what was a long affair? You only found out a few weeks ago yet you were going to relate last year.

Was he having the affair then?

If so, personally I can't see how you can move on from this as he was lying to you, lying to the relate people and not at all invested in trying to repair your marriage while he actually knew what a massive part of the problems were.

I don't think I could ever forgive or forget someone treating me so shabbily.

I hope it works for you.

Good luck

duffybeatmetoit Mon 11-Feb-13 21:19:18

The OW ( and her best mate) left me various texts and voicemails detailing what he'd said and done. She forwarded nude pics of him that he'd sent to her, and when I didn't respond threatened to post copies of them around the neighbourhood. I did text back and told her what I thought of her for knowingly getting involved with a married man with a young child. The messages did peter out after that.

But - everything she told me turned out to be true. XH strongly denied it all initially but eventually it was all confirmed. I still don't get why she wanted to be with a man who said he was only with me for my money.

So the OW may tell you the truth but do you really want to hear it? The truth tormented me for ages although it eventually helped me to write off the marriage.

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 12-Feb-13 07:47:41

I really wouldn't go to relate at this stage. You need time and space to process your thoughts and feelings - this would mean asking him to leave for a little while.

Go to relate in a few months time if you have decided to take him back - make sure you choose the right person as a lot of them have not been trained in the field of infidelity.

Get Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends for you BOTH to read now.

Get real life support and be kind to yourself x

ivykaty44 Tue 12-Feb-13 16:16:26

Thing is alone you are feeling that you should be honest and once you have made a choice that you need to stick to it- you don't you can change your mind anytime you like

you can sit back atm and let him continue to think wholeheartedly that you want to make a go of things - whilst in the mean time you have some time to really think about you and what you want.

play your cards close to your chest

go and get some relationship help on your own.... just you

you need to think about what is best for you, not him or your offspring - you.

no need to rush a choice - take as long as you want

stop feeling guilty and be kind to yourself

dontsqueezetheteabag Tue 12-Feb-13 16:20:39

My advice to you is DO IT.... My mother had an affair and I called her new partner and asked him some questions. He didn't really give me any answers and he patronised me in a way I will never forget BUT..... It made me feel better and I was glad I was able to shock him by doing it. I called him at his work!!

ErikNorseman Tue 12-Feb-13 19:10:25

I text the ow the day I found out, I kind of wish I hadn't, but never mind. I really wanted to email her, so I posted it on here and talked it over with the lovely MNers. I can't tell you how glad I am that I never sent it. I had to contact her recently for work, and I'm just so pleased that I can write her name into the to box with no cringing and with my dignity intact!

AloneSoon Tue 12-Feb-13 23:37:14

Thanks all. I've got the Shirley Glass book and both H and I are reading it.

Ivykaty makes a good point that I can change my mind.

This thread has been really helpful in crystallising thoughts in my head. I think I had it in mind that if we worked on the relationship and got to a place where I could start to forgive, then that would be it. This has made me realise that, actually, I might think we're heading that way but if I can't actually forgive, then I can change my mind. Whether that's one month, 6 months or a year away.

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