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Today I am going to dump my boyfriend

(59 Posts)
freddiemercuryismine Mon 11-Feb-13 09:26:37

Hold my hand please.

He's a lovely lovely man I love the bones of him. But the relationship is never going to work and I need end it. He gets back from a work trip today and will phone me to let me know he's home and I am going to dump him. <heartless bitch emoticon>

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 11-Feb-13 09:29:59

If it's not going to work it doesn't make you a heartless bitch to end it ... it makes you someone who has self-respect and doesn't want to waste their or anyone else's time. I'm sure you'll handle it sensitively. Good luck

freddiemercuryismine Mon 11-Feb-13 09:30:57

Thank you. I am so so SAD. Just sad.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 11-Feb-13 09:33:20

It's always sad. Doing the right thing is often difficult. Far easier to take the path of least resistance, ignore your feelings, carry on as if nothing's wrong .... and wake up five or ten years from now wondering 'where did my life go?' Too many people end up like that. It's miserable

freddiemercuryismine Mon 11-Feb-13 09:34:55

True but it would be so much easier if he was a bastard and he's not he's everything I could possibly want but we are not at the same place in our lives. Which sounds like wanky psychobabbly shit but is true. We want different things and I would never ever want him to change.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 11-Feb-13 09:40:01

Nice people are not necessarily the right people. I've been out with perfectly nice men before but if it's not right, it's not right. You can't pyschobabble you're way around that fundamental ... but you can waste a lot of time trying.

freddiemercuryismine Mon 11-Feb-13 10:01:28

True. But I feel rubbish smile I know it's the right thing to do. I hope to goodness I don't chicken out.

Nice new name Freddie,
Only you, can make this decision to end your relationship with your current partner, it's the only thing to do. If it's not working for you,& like cogito said, if you don't do it now, years will pass & you will still be stuck in a not working relationship. We will be here to hand hold,if needed. Be brave.
Best wishes.

freddiemercuryismine Mon 11-Feb-13 10:52:53

Thank you. am wandering around in a daze drinking coffee and crying off and on.

Lovingfreedom Mon 11-Feb-13 11:12:36

Why do you want the relationship to end?

freddiemercuryismine Mon 11-Feb-13 11:14:33

It's a long distance relationship and we hardly see each other and because of his work that's not going to change for the next 3 or 4 years.

Lovingfreedom Mon 11-Feb-13 11:18:15

Ah least you've got a reason for ending it that you can explain to him. Hopefully that will make it easier than feeling that either of you got something wrong etc. Good luck.

freddiemercuryismine Mon 11-Feb-13 11:22:23

Thank you

Good luck, how are you going to tell him?

freddiemercuryismine Mon 11-Feb-13 11:32:41

it will be over the phone.

howdidithappen Mon 11-Feb-13 15:14:40

Do the right thing though and talk it through with him. If you think he is ace then he will no doubt think the same of you and he will be heartbroken. It will help him enormously though if you clearly explain the reasons. Dont just gloss over it with "its not you its me" etc.

Good Luck.

Numberlock Mon 11-Feb-13 15:52:40

Some questions, freddie:

- how often do you get to see him
- how long have you been together
- how old are you both

Just thinking that depending on the answers to the above, does it necessarily have to be over?

Also, do you think there is any likelihood of him throwing a spanner in the works and saying that you are more important than his work and he will move to be with you?

Where there's a will there's a way, if he is as lovely as you say and if he loves you as much as you love him, depending on circumstances of course.

Usually every other weekend but that won't be possible until at least the summer now with his work I don't think

nearly a year

In our 40's

No chance of him throwing a spanner in the works. I'd be disappointed if he did - he wouldn't be the man I thought he was.

My friend just said the same thing, can't I wait for him - made me think

(it's still me btw I just n/c to a better name)

Numberlock Mon 11-Feb-13 15:59:26

I'm with your friend on this one. smile

So by summer you'll be able to see each other every other weekend.

What about between now and then?

Lovingfreedom Mon 11-Feb-13 16:04:55

Depends what you want. I'm in my 40s and enjoy a just at weekends/every other weekend arrangement atm cos it gives me regular sex and friendship without pressure of living with someone. Leaves time for friends, kids, work etc and still feels like a treat when we do see each other. Wouldn't work for everyone but there are benefits smile

Well he's home for a bit in the summer (like July) then away again until god knows when.

I don'tknow what to do.

He has always worked away but this job is new and means he's away much more.

Walkacrossthesand Mon 11-Feb-13 16:19:21

I think that if you can both see a future together, and the living apart is (relatively) temporary, you don't have to end it do you?? As long as you have a 'plan'.... I imagine DCs aren't on the agenda, and if you have a 'quality' (imagine cockney accent) bloke, you can nake the most of time apart & time together. My LDR ended because the bloke didn't see a future - we'd still be together, and within a few montgs of relocating, if he'd felt differently. Time passes very quickly!

Walkacrossthesand Mon 11-Feb-13 16:21:42

PS what you are describing is a way of life for naval wives - its the commitment that counts. 'if you're not sure what to do, do nothing...'

I'm not sure why it won't 'work'. You say you are in your 40s - are you keen to have one more baby before it's too late or something? Otherwise, if he's so lovely, why on earth not just enjoy the time you have with him and build an enjoyable life for yourself for the time when he's away? A couple-relationship doesn't have to involve living in each other's pockets or even living together, you can just enjoy this for what it is and in fact it will probably be more enjoyable than a living-together relationship.

Numberlock Mon 11-Feb-13 16:30:57

Walk is right. You're not sure anymore what to do so don't make a decision today.

Talk to him by all means, though.

you all make very valid points.

i suppose i just need to talk to him properly and see what comes out of it.

Lovingfreedom Mon 11-Feb-13 16:53:15

It's horses for courses though....if you don't want this kind of relationship you don't have to feel obliged to continue just cos it could work out for some couples. You're clearly not completely happy with the current set up or you prob wouldn't have posted.


Jellykat Mon 11-Feb-13 17:25:22

I agree talk to him.. You say you love the bones of him, he must be a lovely bloke.. and they're hard to find!

If you envisage growing old with him, is this period in time not laying the foundations for when you can be together properly in the future?
< hopeless old romantic emoticon >

He is lovely. Utterly utterly adorable and lovely. but it's all so complicated and it's making my head hurt.

Jellykat Mon 11-Feb-13 17:55:00

Aww you can't let him go sad It sounds like you really love him..

So how about if you try and keep busy with your life and friends when you are apart, try to stop overthinking - because although it isn't how you would like it now, it will be one day.
No relationship is perfect, but there's a helluva lot to be said for quality over quantity smile

but it's hard being in a relationship with someone who is never here. and it feels like it's not even a relationship at all. i'm sure if my friends hadn't met him they'd think he was a figment of my imagination smile that's what it feels like sometimes

Jellykat Mon 11-Feb-13 18:36:33

It must be hard, i had an ex once who lived in the South of France, so i do know what it's like kind of..
When he's away do you keep in daily contact? If you needed support could you call? do you trust him? These things are just as important as physically being in each others presence surely..

I trust him totally and utterly. But when he's away, he's away. There's sporadic contact but not regular or everyday or anything. If I needed support I'd be on my own.

Jellykat Mon 11-Feb-13 18:47:29

Ahh maybe that needs to be sorted out then..
In this day of modern technology it wouldn't be difficult to do, talk to him, tell him how you feel, and hopefully the pair of you can come up with some proper solutions.. If he's not willing to do that, it's not good, it may then be time to have a rethink about where you're going.

HawthornLantern Mon 11-Feb-13 18:49:23

Oh Freddie, this is sad. A long term relationship over a long distance can be stressful - particularly if that isn't the kind of relationship you would ideally want to have.

I spent nearly 4 years in a very long distance relationship and at the end of that time we needed to make a decision - to find a way of trying to live together or decide to call it a day even though that would hurt.

For us it worked. I got a job in his country (a job I'd be thrilled with under any circumstances) and we've now had a few years of happily living together.

I think I could have managed another 1 or 2 years long distance, but after that I would have had to say "I love you but I can't do this any more." So I completely get that even when it's lovely it can't necessarily be indefinite. Maybe you are at that stage now of saying you can't continue or maybe, just maybe if you talk with your DP, you can work out a plan that would work for you both and that might tide you over a bit longer.

I don't think that's advice so much as sincere sympathy and a hope that it could just work out for you somehow.

OP, why would it matter if your friends 'think he's a figment of your imagination'? TBH I think you're being a bit of a drama llama and shooting yourself in the foot if you dump this man because you don't see each other every night.
Please bear in mind that for most people, living with a partner gets pretty boring after a year or so: however nice s/he is, there will be a certain amount of gazing vacantly at the telly ove a microwave meal, rows about putting the bins out and leaving the bog seat up, etc etc, whereas a long distance number can be all fun and no daily grind. But a relationship shouldn't be the focus of your life anyway - what hobbies and interests do you have?

i don't mean it like that Solid I just mean I'm lonely and it's hard being on my own. especially when it's not what I'd choose.

And I have loads of other stuff going on in my life but I want my partner here. I know that isn't what everyone would want but it's what I want. Ideally. If I can.

Numberlock Mon 11-Feb-13 20:15:31

So would you be ending this in the hope of finding someone long-term and local and with more free time? Nothing wrong with that but easier said than done.

I'm 45 and staying happily single for the time being but know through years of experience how hard it is to find someone who ticks the same boxes as me.

Sort of number. Sort of. Ideally. but it's complicated.

Numberlock Mon 11-Feb-13 20:21:28

Well good luck whatever you decide but remember the dating world is shite these days lol.


Actually what i want is for him to move here, get a pipe and slippers and sit here every night with me having great sex and watching DVDs

But that's never going to happen grin

Numberlock Mon 11-Feb-13 20:28:23

And there's no possibility of you moving to be nearer him or does he travel all over?

No chance of me moving have kids in school he could move here I suppose but he'd still be away such a lot

How are things today Freddie? Do you feel any clearer in your mind.

Flatbellafella - no clearer at all and no decision made. Another sleepless night. Which isn't good for me. I either have to end this or knuckle under and carry on but surely a relationship shouldn't be about knuckling under and plodding on?

Numberlock Tue 12-Feb-13 08:59:30

No of course not but don't forget the grass is rarely greener on the other side.

Sometimes we just have to knuckle down & plod on,if our circumstances are stacked against us, ie..children schooling income." The Grass is not always greener on the other side," so to speak.

Thanks folks this is terribly self indulgent whinging smile I am coming to the conclusion that I am so conflicted that I need to just put the whole thing on the back burner in terms of not over-thinking it and letting it be in my head so much and just see what happens. But that's not my natural state of mind!

Numberlock Tue 12-Feb-13 11:01:25

Have you spoken to him freddie? I think you said you were going to speak last night as he'd just got back from a trip?

Yes very briefly last night. I chickened out of any kind of a deep conversation (he was tired, I was tired, it was just not the right time).

Numberlock Tue 12-Feb-13 11:15:20

Fair enough. When will you next see him?

In a few weeks. I think it's probably better to have a proper conversation face to face?

LesserOfTwoWeevils Tue 12-Feb-13 14:09:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Once the DCs are out of school yes I would move in a heartbeat.

No he wouldn't look for a job with less travel

We have discussed a future, but it's a long way away, at least 4/5 years for various reasons.

Numberlock Tue 12-Feb-13 14:29:00

Is he in the forces or does he work for a UK-based company where he travels a lot (eg international sales)? (Just wondering why he can't contact you.)

How far away from you is he when he's in the UK?

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