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DH is sulking because I don't fancy sex tonight...

(151 Posts)
AuntLucyInPeru Sat 09-Feb-13 20:11:17

We basically had a crap day in the cold wrestling with the kids, followed (at the end of the day) by tea and Nanny McPhee.

He mentioned sex earlier and I said "prob not, I just can't feel sexy after a day of arguing with a 2yr old and 5yr old all day".

So he brings it up again just now by asking me to go and have a bath, and I said 'no thanks, I know the subtext, just don't fancy sex tonight'. So now he's throwing washing up around the kitchen furiously in a noisy fury.

Being able to say no to sex when you just don't want to is just how it bloody IS surely?

We have sex 1-2 times per week, work a 60hr week (both of us) and have children aged 2 & 5.

BTW He only wants sex if we both shower, I put new full make-up on and sexy underwear, high heels, scent etc.

I just can't be bothered tonight.

How do I handle the big strop hmm ?

StrawberryMojito Sat 09-Feb-13 20:13:27

Ignore it, go to bed. He'll get over it, what can he actually say?!

Mum2Fergus Sat 09-Feb-13 20:13:50

Put him to bed with the other kids in the house smile

AnyaKnowIt Sat 09-Feb-13 20:14:19

Tell him to get over himself!

catladycourtney1 Sat 09-Feb-13 20:16:22

Bloody hell. If my DP expected all that every time we had sex he'd be getting no sex at all!

elfycat Sat 09-Feb-13 20:16:59

And I find sulky so attractive. Don;t you look at his pouty face and want to clip him up the back of his head jump into bed with him?

Fairylea Sat 09-Feb-13 20:18:12

He's being an idiot. And a bully.

AuntLucyInPeru Sat 09-Feb-13 20:18:54

Exactly. There is nothing less sexy than a 39 year old man having a strop.

He never ever drops the fucking subject if I don't want sex with him though.

<mutinous muttering>

SorryMyLollipop Sat 09-Feb-13 20:19:32

BTW He only wants sex if we both shower, I put new full make-up on and sexy underwear, high heels, scent etc.

Sounds like a lot of hassle TBH.

Not a pleasant situation re the stropping about, its a form of coercion. I left my STBXH who did this. Your DH needs to realise that you are an actual person, with actual feelings.

BTW He only wants sex if we both shower, I put new full make-up on and sexy underwear, high heels, scent etc.

That is just not normal! and I certainly couldn't be bothered with it! Putting make-up on to go to bed? No thanks, I'd rather be celibate!

Let him have his sulk, there isn't really much else to be done

anchovies Sat 09-Feb-13 20:21:28

He only wants sex if we both shower, I put new full make-up on and sexy underwear, high heels, scent etc.

I'm not surprised you can't be bothered shock

ledkr Sat 09-Feb-13 20:23:18

Jeeez. Isn't sex supposed to be spontaneous? I'd hate it if dh "booked" it in early in the day. I don't know if I want it or not at this moment but when dh gets in from work and I'm not tired and he does the right things then I may fancy it. If I don't then that's that.

ShatnersBassoon Sat 09-Feb-13 20:26:02

How could you resist a sulker who insists on 'preparing' for sex?

Helltotheno Sat 09-Feb-13 20:28:34

LTB.. put it another way, if he continues like this, you might as well save yourself a lot of trouble and do it now...

The eternal pessimist, me grin

AuntLucyInPeru Sat 09-Feb-13 20:30:20

I don't so much mind the preparing for sex most of the time. With a 2yr old and a 5yr old in the house, spontaneous lust is a rare thing so I'm happy to make the effort. It's more that

A: we both have to want to. I HATE being bullied and
B given that sex to his criteria always takes 2+ hours I really can't be bothered tonight.

There's really no such thing as a quicky. And it would save rows if he could contemplate lowering standards occasionally..

SorryMyLollipop Sat 09-Feb-13 20:30:29

What do you get out of this marriage? Seriously? He sounds bloody awful and selfish and entitled.

Lueji Sat 09-Feb-13 20:30:36

Personally, I'd tell him to find someone who is willing to have sex on demand.

Expecting to get sex from sulking, even worse, from stropping, is abusive.

Does he ever even put any effort in getting you in the mood, such as preparing you a bath? Or offering a massage, for example?

Is he actually throwing washing up liquid in the kitchen in a fury? shock

TBH, I do think you should be telling him that this kind of behaviour will see him out of the door if it doesn't stop soon.

spiritedaway Sat 09-Feb-13 20:31:10

Do the shower, fresh make up, hooker heels and underwear and still don't have sex smile) that'll learn him!

SorryMyLollipop Sat 09-Feb-13 20:31:19

2+ hours?! Why??????

AuntLucyInPeru Sat 09-Feb-13 20:32:37

Nah, he's nice. Does his 50% with the kids, funny, generous - I love him. I do not love his 'aged 13 and three quarters' attitude to sexual rejection. Go and have an effing wank, FFS.

kalidanger Sat 09-Feb-13 20:34:50

BTW He only wants sex if we both shower, I put new full make-up on and sexy underwear, high heels, scent etc.

And the two hours prep?? Bloody hell. If I was tired I'd go for a shower and a slow lazy one and straight to sleep afterwards but that's a hell of a lot of hassle. Every time is this?

MirandaWest Sat 09-Feb-13 20:36:10

Do you invlude the preparation in the two hours or is it 2 hours of sex?

I very rarely wear makeup and can't imagine putting it on specifically for sex. But I am a little odd

Lueji Sat 09-Feb-13 20:36:26

The thing is, by acting out like that he is being sexually abusive.
Because every time, you'll weight out if you are prepared to put up with the strop versus the sexual demands.
Because he is very demanding about sex.

You should really be able to say no without putting up a strop.

littlemisssarcastic Sat 09-Feb-13 20:37:06

You both work 60 hours a week. I am assuming that doesn't include travelling time?
You are parents to 2 very young children.
Sex takes 2+ hours!! shock

Seriously OP, when do you find time to eat or sleep? Do you have lots of paid help in the house?

ledkr Sat 09-Feb-13 20:37:31

2+ hours <faints>

AuntLucyInPeru Sat 09-Feb-13 20:37:53

The two hours includes prep smile And it's good sex. But for that much effort you really have to be up for it. And I'm not tonight <shrug>

Helltotheno Sat 09-Feb-13 20:38:13

How can you even fancy him? Libido killer, that behaviour....

littlemisssarcastic Sat 09-Feb-13 20:38:25

I am also interested as to whether the 2+ hours includes the preparation beforehand.

AThingInYourLife Sat 09-Feb-13 20:38:45

He sounds really fucking creepy and horrible.

Someone who can only have planned sex with everyone washed and the woman fully made up and dressed up like a hooker has ishooooooos.

MrsMushroom Sat 09-Feb-13 20:39:08

I'd tell him to piss off about the makeup etc. If my DH couldn't fancy me clean faced and in jogging pants then I'd feel bad.

expatinscotland Sat 09-Feb-13 20:39:18

'BTW He only wants sex if we both shower, I put new full make-up on and sexy underwear, high heels, scent etc.'

And 2+ hours?

Sorry, but I'd never have sex with anyone like that.

littlemisssarcastic Sat 09-Feb-13 20:39:25

Sorry, x posted.

I don't think I'd be up for it 1 or 2 times a year OP. I wish I had your energy OP.

gingerchick Sat 09-Feb-13 20:40:29

What do you do to take 2 hours?!

MmeLindor Sat 09-Feb-13 20:41:21

How will he react if you stick to your guns and refuse sex?

Will it be a full on sulk for the rest of the day? Or longer?

Coconutty Sat 09-Feb-13 20:41:56

2 hours? Prep and DTD? Fuck that.

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey Sat 09-Feb-13 20:42:24

Fucking hell i don't make that much effort to go out!!

Don't you ever feel like the natural you should be enough?

My dh is a sulker and it's such an unattractive quality.

expatinscotland Sat 09-Feb-13 20:42:28

Hmm, I don't define good sex as sex which needs all that faffing around in preperation. Makeup, heels, sexy underwear, perfume. And all he has to do is shower.

spiritedaway Sat 09-Feb-13 20:43:17

Does he watch a lot of porn by any chance?

SirBoobAlot Sat 09-Feb-13 20:43:31

Nothing sexier than a grown man sulking because you won't play dress up for him. hmm

I'm all for high heels and sexy underwear sometimes, but if anyone demanded I did that every time to have sex, they'd be told to fuck off rather swiftly.

TheFallenNinja Sat 09-Feb-13 20:43:43

If my DP took 2+ hours I'd be forced to sit in the car and beep the horn at her (evolution made me do it guv).

Generally whoopie night gets decided once were under the quilt smile

lockets Sat 09-Feb-13 20:43:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ledkr Sat 09-Feb-13 20:43:55

I have uncontrolable giggles at the idea of having to get all done up for dh to want sex. I usually get into my pjs about seven and sleep in them too.
I' once had a bf who shuddered at my period. I sent him packing. I'm turned off by men who dislike me at my rawest.

So what happens if you want sex but neither of you have showered? Does he push you away?

This sounds very very odd to me.

AnyFucker Sat 09-Feb-13 20:46:00

How do you deal with it ?

You tell him to fuck right off. The End.

ledkr Sat 09-Feb-13 20:46:18

I'm loving the way we are all so puzzled by the two hour sex. We aren't really doing our men any reputation favours are we?

NeedlesCuties Sat 09-Feb-13 20:46:40

Does he shower and get himself dressed to your requirements?

What if you just fancied a quickie, or to try something else in bed?

He seems very inflexible and, frankly, a bit odd.

AuntLucyInPeru Sat 09-Feb-13 20:46:43

It will be a sulk for the rest of the evening . But I try hard not to give in as it sets a pattern (feels like I'm training a 2yr old in not snatching..)

And then a big, exhausting heart-to-heart tomorrow about 'why I have libido problems' hmm

For those of you wondering about the 2 hours - 30 mins each in the bathroom/ bedroom. Then an hour for sex. Never less.

AThingInYourLife Sat 09-Feb-13 20:47:04

" I'm turned off by men who dislike me at my rawest."

Amen, sister. smile

Lueji Sat 09-Feb-13 20:47:24

How will he react if you stick to your guns and refuse sex? Will it be a full on sulk for the rest of the day? Or longer?

That.

lockets Sat 09-Feb-13 20:47:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ledkr Sat 09-Feb-13 20:47:50

Sorry I'm being silly now but what happens if you sweat during sex dies he send you off for another shower?

spiritedaway Sat 09-Feb-13 20:47:50

I imagine she's doing most of the work during the 2 hours

Floralnomad Sat 09-Feb-13 20:47:59

TBH your OH sounds harder work than the kids !

GoodtoBetter Sat 09-Feb-13 20:48:06

Dear God, I couldn't live like that....

CocktailQueen Sat 09-Feb-13 20:48:23

wow, how seriously weird. Agree that that is not behaviour guaranteed to make you want sex!! My dh does that too and it drives me insane. BUT at least he will take mas I am and I don't have to do dressing up - eveyr time?? What happens is you want sex when you're not fresh and clean and dressed up??

2kidsintow Sat 09-Feb-13 20:48:31

My friend and her DH prefer to have both showered to have sex, but that's a mutual thing (I found out after somewhat of a TMI chat one day).

I'd not mind if the 'go and have a bath' was phrased in the "why don't you go and have a relaxing soak after a stressful day" manner, but less so if it was "go and have a bath, you need one ready for later!"

My own DH might sulk if refused, but only in a tutting quiet way, that is easily ignored.

And he likes me best when I'm hot and sweaty after my exercise class. It would be the last thing on his mind to suggest any form of preparation. grin

gingerchick Sat 09-Feb-13 20:48:49

He's the one with problems not you

AThingInYourLife Sat 09-Feb-13 20:49:01

An hour for sex?

Always the same?

I'm a big fan of the quickie.

Luckily DH can usually oblige wink

Lueji Sat 09-Feb-13 20:49:16

ups, crossed posts.

And then a big, exhausting heart-to-heart tomorrow about 'why I have libido problems'

That is exhausting, I'm sure, and a huge red flag, because it's about the problem with you.
What about his issues???? His strops. His excessive requirements? His putting the blame on you?

AuntLucyInPeru Sat 09-Feb-13 20:49:20

No no, he's a great lover. When we shag, it's genuinely fab. Def the best I've had in 20 years of shagging. I JUST DON'T BLOODY WANT TO TONIGHT!

expatinscotland Sat 09-Feb-13 20:49:26

'It will be a sulk for the rest of the evening . But I try hard not to give in as it sets a pattern (feels like I'm training a 2yr old in not snatching..)

And then a big, exhausting heart-to-heart tomorrow about 'why I have libido problems'

For those of you wondering about the 2 hours - 30 mins each in the bathroom/ bedroom. Then an hour for sex. Never less.'

This person is not nice.

An hour for sex? Gawd, I'd fall asleep.

GoodtoBetter Sat 09-Feb-13 20:49:40

An hour for sex??? What are you doing for an HOUR?

Lueji Sat 09-Feb-13 20:51:25

I think you are being driven by lust, really.

The entitlement alone would be was a deal breaker for me.

expatinscotland Sat 09-Feb-13 20:51:26

'No no, he's a great lover. When we shag, it's genuinely fab. Def the best I've had in 20 years of shagging. '

I pity you. Because in my 26 years of shagging, the best were the spontaneous, dirty romps.

ledkr Sat 09-Feb-13 20:51:27

2 kids yes dh seems oddly turned on when I'm back from the gym. Perv grin

TomDudgeon Sat 09-Feb-13 20:51:29

I love the idea of doing all the prep and then still turning him down
He sounds like a tosser

Ingles2 Sat 09-Feb-13 20:51:32

Pmsl at the need for a snack break...
I've got a sulker and nothing makes me dislike him more, so the idea of a sulk for sex that involves preparation (shudders) grim!

AThingInYourLife Sat 09-Feb-13 20:52:08

Agree, expat, this is not a nice man.

AuntLucyInPeru Sat 09-Feb-13 20:53:04

Interesting. Have just gone into our bedroom and he's in bed FAST ASLEEP. I wonder if he's just had an 'age 38 and a half year old over-tired and emotional' tantrums. It has been a long week at work <ponders>...

Flobbadobs Sat 09-Feb-13 20:54:00

Tellhim to put on sexy undies and high heels if he likes it that much! Honestly and seriously OP if he thinks you have libido problems because you don't rush off and tart yourself up when he commands it he's the one with the problem, not you.
The best shag in the world is not worth being blackmailed.

AnyFucker Sat 09-Feb-13 20:54:33

He sounds like he has issues. Yuk.

mcmooncup Sat 09-Feb-13 20:55:38

He then manipulates you into thinking you have libido problems??

Wow, as above, he has ishoooooos

littlemisssarcastic Sat 09-Feb-13 20:55:51

Are you tired a lot of the time OP?

I feel tired thinking about your preparations, let alone the actual sex.

Afterwards, does he just go to sleep while you furiously scrub all of your make up off and have a tidy?

gingerchick Sat 09-Feb-13 20:56:30

Controlling and manipulative behaviour from your husband OP he sounds like an arse hole

mcmooncup Sat 09-Feb-13 20:57:40

It may be too much to disclose, but can we assume that there are very specific demands during the 1 hour of sex? i.e. he has things that you must do for him in order for it to be a 'success'

SorryMyLollipop Sat 09-Feb-13 20:58:01

Lockets - "Two hours would be too much for me, I would need a snack break at the very least." snort grin grin

Lueji Sat 09-Feb-13 21:00:35

I wonder if he's just had an 'age 38 and a half year old over-tired and emotional' tantrums. It has been a long week at work <ponders>...

You are excusing him and minimising it.

He's not a child. He's a fully grown man.

Who bullies you into sex.

I wonder what would happen if you told him tomorrow, when he's about to have the conversation with you, that you will not be told again when to have sex and that you won't put up with strops for lack of sex anymore and that the next strop about it will see him out of the house.

howdoo Sat 09-Feb-13 21:01:51

Could you not at least have a shower together - save a bit of time grin

He sounds a bit ... fastidious

AuntLucyInPeru Sat 09-Feb-13 21:02:11

No, nothing put of the ordinary, nothing we don't both like. Sometimes kinky, sometimes not, mostly dictated by my mood. The only two things he needs are

A we must have sex at least every fourth day and
B we both have to seriously get ourselves up for it.

Today is Saturday. We last had sex on Tuesday. Hence the strop.

AlfalfaMum Sat 09-Feb-13 21:03:00

Weird thread. Sorry OP, but your H's behaviour is frankly fucking bizarre.

<Waits for OP to back-track saying oh-but-he's-lovely-really-and-I'm-so-fulfilled>

gingerchick Sat 09-Feb-13 21:03:21

Weird!

Lueji Sat 09-Feb-13 21:04:21

Only????

TBH, I'd give him a 4 week drought at least, after such a strop.

Floralnomad Sat 09-Feb-13 21:04:29

My god that is way too prescriptive , he sounds incredibly high maintenance. If you do it 2 nights running do you get a week off or does the 4 day rule still apply?

AuntLucyInPeru Sat 09-Feb-13 21:05:09

No alfafamum I agree. He IS weird about this. Which is why I am objecting, and referring to the collective wisdom of mumsnet for how to get him to bloody relax about it!

Lueji Sat 09-Feb-13 21:05:20

<Waits for OP to back-track saying oh-but-he's-lovely-really-and-I'm-so-fulfilled>

She has, sort of.
And a great dad too.

So, if he was throwing up washing up liquid all over the kitchen, who's going to clear it up?

AuntLucyInPeru Sat 09-Feb-13 21:05:39

Nope, 4 day rule still applies.

gingerchick Sat 09-Feb-13 21:06:30

Manipulative and controlling arsehole

AuntLucyInPeru Sat 09-Feb-13 21:06:55

He has cleared it up <bit odd in itself>.

NoelHeadbands Sat 09-Feb-13 21:07:12

Two hours? I'd need to pack a flask and some sandwiches

expatinscotland Sat 09-Feb-13 21:07:20

Too much like hard work for me.

Floralnomad Sat 09-Feb-13 21:08:11

If you went in now and started ' messing ' with him would he still insist on the showers and stuff or would he be spontaneous and just get on with it ?

Lueji Sat 09-Feb-13 21:08:31

how to get him to bloody relax about it!

See above:
Set your own rules, a strop earns 4 weeks of nothing.
A second strop in a row automatically increases it by another 4 weeks.

Or he can leave.

Up to you to implement it.

Hassled Sat 09-Feb-13 21:10:04

His behaviour is just so bloody weird and controlly and well, weird that I don't know what to say. It really doesn't sit easily with your insistence that he's a lovely guy.

NoelHeadbands Sat 09-Feb-13 21:10:14

Thing is, I know some follks won't agree with this but occasionally if DH is in the mood and I'm not particularly, I'm sometimes happy to have a 'quickie'. And more often than not, I end up getting in to it anyway grin

But jeez, if I had to have a makeover first ? Fuggeddaboutit

MrsDeVere Sat 09-Feb-13 21:10:24

Two hours shock
Does he at least let you have the telly on?

kalidanger Sat 09-Feb-13 21:10:43

You sound rather detached from this, OP. I mean, are you posting for advice? What do you want to happen? How to stop him being weird and prescriptive? Whether we agree it's weird? Do you not think its that weird? If dressing up is your thing too then that's fine. I dunno.

Hassled Sat 09-Feb-13 21:11:59

And yes, take back some of the control. Why is your sex life all on his terms? Why don't you try stipulating some of the rules? Or - and I'm going out on a crazy limb here - why don't you have no rules? I'm thinking spontaneous affection, that sort of wacky approach.

WireCatWhore Sat 09-Feb-13 21:12:16

Good god.

Every fourth day & seriously get yourselves up for it. FFs.

Red flags.

Everywhere.

Guntie Sat 09-Feb-13 21:12:30

I opened this thread thinking "Just have sex with him, how long could it take..". Wow, how wrong can I be!

ChablisLover Sat 09-Feb-13 21:13:10

Op - my dh is the same without the 4 day rule though

He's had a shower and is downstairs waiting for me to dress up etc and have sexy time.

Now he buggered off this afternoon to watch both 6 nations matches leaving me and ds to our own devices.

Add to this two cortisone injections to each of my hips yesterday and the agony I am in now especially after ds used me as a trampoline despite being told not to

And dh will still expect sex tonight

He can run and jump

A glass of wine and bed cos tomorrow brings the dreaded mil visit for the week

FlatsInDagenham Sat 09-Feb-13 21:13:19

So, forgetting about his needs just for a moment ... what are yours? Don't you ever get suddenly horny when you are both snuggled up in bed at night? What happens then - do you have to get up, showered, dressed up and made up?

TurnipCake Sat 09-Feb-13 21:13:21

Blimey OP, the description of your partner and his preferences is one of the most unsexy things I've ever read. As someone else said, his actions don't seem to match up with this 'lovely' guy picture you've painted of him.

Bakingnovice Sat 09-Feb-13 21:15:12

Im still reeling from a whole hour of dtd.

kirstys23 Sat 09-Feb-13 21:15:30

Have you ever had sex without having to shower first? Was this enforced when you first started dating?

WireCatWhore Sat 09-Feb-13 21:15:58

Maybe it takes the op a while to warm up! wink. Takes me a good 20 mins!

AuntLucyInPeru Sat 09-Feb-13 21:21:34

We do not get 'suddenly horny in bed'. Ever. With a 60hr working week, travelling away every weekend, and a badly-sleeping 2yr old, sex is the LAST thing on my mind when I finally make it to my pillow. What I am mostly thinking is, 'please let me get a couple of 3-4 hour uninterrupted chunks of sleep', and 'did I put a pen and paper by the bed to write down the urgent work stuff that will come to me in the small hours".

And to the 'what did I want from this thread?' question... Ummm ... I guess a bit of cheerful solidarity to assist me in ignoring the cacophony of sulks downstairs.

And reassurance that it is reasonable to say no to sex for for particular reason but that you don't want to (which I KNOW, but is nice to hear when there are two adults in the house and one of them is behaving like a child)

AlfalfaMum Sat 09-Feb-13 21:23:07

Sorry, perhaps I was a tad unfair. I don't know what to advise really confused

The problem is that your sex-life is all completely on his fucked-up terms. You need some equality, he has to accept that your wants are important too, whether you want a quickie for a change, or just a hug. Demanding use of your body every 4 days is just revolting.

AuntLucyInPeru Sat 09-Feb-13 21:26:42

BTW hope you feel better tomorrow chablislover

AlfalfaMum Sat 09-Feb-13 21:27:20

One theory might be that your H is killing your libido with his controlling attitude to sex/your body.

WireCatWhore Sat 09-Feb-13 21:27:58

So long as you a both in the same page with regarding your sex like then that's fine. But him sulking when you don't want it is not on.

Threads like this make me very happy to be single.

ChablisLover Sat 09-Feb-13 21:31:20

Auntlucy - thanks

And you are not being unreasonable to say no to sex for no particular reason

The other party should accept this without sulking

But i hear this can happen in some relationships but I don't have this either though

My dh huffs quietly though - quiet disappointment he says.

I do prefer spontaneous sex rather than this pencil you in for date night. It's much better.

Hatpin Sat 09-Feb-13 21:39:14

Well you have my solidarity because I put up with someone not unlike this for 15 years and it never got any better. It killed everything I ever felt for him stone dead, eventually.

When I wake up at weekends knowing I haven't got to endure a day of sulking because I didn't fancy sex I still do a silent high 5 and a little whoop inside smile

catladycourtney1 Sat 09-Feb-13 21:39:33

Do you have any "rules" of your own? I'm guessing not.

mcmooncup Sat 09-Feb-13 21:40:46

Me too hatpin

The relieve is immense

kalidanger Sat 09-Feb-13 21:41:36

Sorry Lucy. I have also been in the receiving end of a massive sulk and actual sleep on sofa then walk out the next day hmm I was asleep early, he made moves and I sort of inadvertently elbowed him off as I wasn't even awake. I would have wanted to dtd if I was awake hmm I didn't deal with it at all and had him back when it was another red flag on top of quite a few <rolleyes>

Ways to deal with a sulk? Hmm. Give in? Grovelly apology and explanation and promise you'll do it tomorrow? Sit down proper talk about how it's utter bullshit? Row? Sulk back? Chalk it up to experience and do it on Wednesday instead?

Hassled Sat 09-Feb-13 21:45:46

116 posts here - and the vast, vast majority are variations of a "fucking hell, I'm glad I'm not you" theme. That's how bizarre your DH's demands are. I hope it gives you some perspective, and maybe the strength to deal with it. The best of luck.

flippingflup Sat 09-Feb-13 21:49:40

Lol @ flask and sandwiches!
How to handle the strop: ignore tonight, then when he wants to ask about YOUR libido problem tomorrow, tell it to him straight. It is his problem: coercive, unspontaneous sex wrecks libidos, especially in high heels and wihout a tea break. Maybe your libido needs him to dress up in high heels and full make-up. Maybe it needs a tea and biscuit break scheduled at the half hour point. Arse.

SorryMyLollipop Sat 09-Feb-13 21:50:28

^ this ^

Lueji Sat 09-Feb-13 21:54:03

And direct him here

grin

Valpollicella Sat 09-Feb-13 21:56:02

Is your DH Christian Grey?

Sorry, I know thats a flippant thing to say but really? You HAVE to have sex EVERY 4 days? WTF

Bobbybird40 Sat 09-Feb-13 22:00:25

Sounds like a teenager OP. needy fucker.

HecateWhoopass Sat 09-Feb-13 22:01:35

what would happen if you told him that in order for you to want sex with him, he must be showered and shaved and wearing a tux and begin proceedings by serenading you? grin

I'm only half joking here. It's not normal to want Fantasy You all the time. Perfect you. You're a real woman. He isn't attracted to just got out of bed you? Or fallen into bed with your socks still on you? Or knackered from a day with the kids but fancy a quicky you? Or barefaced just from a hot bath you?

Just full make up and stockings and stuff?

I am not the world's leading expert on sex grin but is that not a fetish? When someone cannot or will not perform sexually unless their specific and unchanging criteria are met?

Like sniffing shoes or dressing in rubber or wearing marigolds or something.

Granted, as fetishes go, I've read of worse grin but if he is so rigid about it, it's a bit odd, don't you think?

HotDAMNlifeisgood Sat 09-Feb-13 22:09:02

I am objecting, and referring to the collective wisdom of mumsnet for how to get him to bloody relax about it!

You can't get HIM to do anything. Only he can do that.

The only person whose behaviour you can control is your own. Your options are endless: give in to his sulking, have umpteen talks with him where you try to get your point across, throw him out for being a controlling twat with sexual issues and no understanding for the fact that his wife is a human being and not a dress-up doll...

What do YOU want to do for your OWN self? That's the only thing you can act on. What he does, how he reacts to you, is entirely down to him (and to his massive issues...). You can't change him. If he wants to change, it will have to come from him. There's nothing you can do about that.

clam Sat 09-Feb-13 22:13:23

So, supposing you withstand his sulks tonight (if he wakes up), what happens tomorrow? The post-mortem discussing your apparent lack of libido, of course, but will the sulks resume tomorrow night, and Monday, and every night until you agree to sex on his terms?

This would be a complete and utter deal-breaker for me. I know you're not asking for sympathy, but here's a shed-load of it anyway. brew

badinage Sat 09-Feb-13 22:15:43

Nowt wrong with sex that lasts an hour, as long as it's good.

Plenty wrong when it's this scheduled and has to follow a rule book which seems to involve masses of effort on your part and a bit of shower gel (or washing up liquid grin on his).

Sulking's a right bloody turn off too.

As are endless post-mortems.

Doesn't he realise that even kinky shit, if it's got to be like that every time is just.....boring?

Aren't you bored with this regime?

I think this is a cock-waving power trip myself.

I don't think he wanted sex tonight either, so it's no surprise he's pushing up the zeds now.

I do think he wanted to blame you for not wanting the sex that he didn't want himself.....

Why might he want to do that, do you think?

Bobbybird40 Sat 09-Feb-13 22:25:15

oP does it happen at specific times twice a week? And, if so, how long after the sex deadline does sulky pants start getting bagged off? Does he have a chart?

MerryCouthyMows Sat 09-Feb-13 22:38:40

You 'have' to have sex every fourth day? WTF? How controlling is this man?!

I would tell him that he wouldn't be getting sex ever again if he sulked over not getting any for a whole four days, or if he wasn't attracted to me as I am.

Anyone who can't accept me the way I am can fuck off, frankly!

Looksgoodingravy Sat 09-Feb-13 22:43:39

It doesn't sound as if you mind the getting ready and preparing and then the hour long sessions, just the sulking if you say no.

The problem is those nights when you're less 'up for it' could be a 'quickie' night instead but your dh doesn't do 'quickies' so he's only got himself to blame when he gets the brush off.

Did you have this routine before kids?

Helltotheno Sat 09-Feb-13 22:44:55

Anyone who can't accept me the way I am can fuck off, frankly!

Hear hear!

I'm telling you OP, the years will pass, you'll have more kids (maybe) and this shtick will get old. Lay it out for him or leave, that's my view.
Man I would hate to be shackled to a twunt like this, you have my deepest sympathy....

flippingflup Sat 09-Feb-13 22:45:00

Seriously op, sympathy. How long have you suspected/known this isn't ok? Have you got a friend/family member you can talk to tomorrow?

frustratedworkingmum Sat 09-Feb-13 22:46:35

Wow - nothing like being told you have to put make up on before your husband will have sex with you to make you feel like a sex goddess hmm He can fuck the fuck right off!!

Chandon Sat 09-Feb-13 22:56:05

Is this serious?

clam Sat 09-Feb-13 23:01:56

What happened with regard to the 4 day deadline when you had a newborn in the house?

I'm wondering if we'll have to wait 2 hours for any more responses.

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Sat 09-Feb-13 23:07:25

I honestly don't know how or why you put up with this?

There's no way I could fancy someone who thought I should act like some dress up doll or hooker every single time we had sex.

Apart from the fact that I could not be arsed doing all that crap more than once in a blue moon when I felt like it (I don't wear heals, stockings and a full face of make up to go out, let alone go to bed!) I couldn't be with someone who only wanted to have sex with me if I was that dolled up! Nor with someone who couldn't be spontaneous. It's weird, he has issues and HE needs to get them sorted out, probably with the help of a professional! (LOL a therapist not that kind of professional!!)

AThingInYourLife Sat 09-Feb-13 23:09:08

"It doesn't sound as if you mind the getting ready and preparing and then the hour long sessions, just the sulking if you say no."

They are all just aspects of the same controlling, abusive, domineering, dysfunctional weirdness.

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Sat 09-Feb-13 23:09:22

I don't think so clam - her H is fast asleep! Mind you, with a bit of luck the OP is too as her kids don't sleep through.

kalidanger Sat 09-Feb-13 23:11:09

I guess if that's how this couple like to have sex together and they're both cool with it then that's cool. It's their intimate business, after all.

Sulking is shitty though. and presumably not part of their understanding, which is why the OP posted.

kalidanger Sat 09-Feb-13 23:12:28

I don't think so clam - her H is fast asleep! Mind you, with a bit of luck the OP is too as her kids don't sleep through.

Or maybe she's just sticking on her second set of eyelashes?

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Sat 09-Feb-13 23:15:40

I really don't think so Kalid. She sound far too sensible, tired and pissed off for that - and who could blame her?? Except for her twunt of an H who will spend tomorrow trying to tell her that HER libido is the issue here. Git.

AThingInYourLife Sat 09-Feb-13 23:31:47

It isn't how they like to have sex together.

It is what he demands and she does for him.

It's fucking horrible.

She has to have coerced sex every for days and spend 2 hours doing it to his precise specifications.

Jesus Christ.

BluelightsAndSirens Sat 09-Feb-13 23:48:59

sad

MmeLindor Sun 10-Feb-13 00:25:13

Ok the shower thing isn't that odd. I prefer to have a quick shower if possible before sex.

Insisting on a shower, full make up and getting all gussied up, that is well odd.

OP
What would happen if you were to jump him before the showers? And if you resist his sulks tonight does he carry in pressuring you tomorrow?

Your response to him tomorrow has to be that you'd be more likely to want sex if it wasn't scheduled like a Swiss train journey

Bunnyjo Sun 10-Feb-13 00:35:29

Jesus, I rarely swear... But fucking hell! OP, I don't know what you wanted from this thread - I can tell you that is is completely reasonable to say no to sex because you cannot be bothered/feel tired/ just don't actually want it. That I, with demanding study, a 5yr old and 20mth old (that wakes hourly), can understand how tired you must feel. I can also tell your DH's demands are completely unreasonable and his behaviour and sense of entitlement is NOT normal.

Honestly, my and DH's sex life is surviving on quickies and snatched moments. That's almost to be expected when both partners work/study full-time and have 2 kids under the age of 5. My DH would be celibate and I'd tear him a new arsehole before literally LTB if he made such ridiculous demands on our sex life.

Sadly, I think tonight is the least of your problems. I can also imagine the strength of shock from other people is difficult to take on board, so you will be naturally defensive. I hope you can take some good from this thread, even if it is a little overwhelming at the moment.

SorryMyLollipop Sun 10-Feb-13 09:02:33

OP, this is not ok, seriously. We will s here when you are ready to accept that.

anonacfr Sun 10-Feb-13 10:24:04

What about before you had children? Has your sex life been the same from the time you met?
You've never had spontaneous spur of the moment sex ever?

Sorry for all the questions but I am just puzzled by the prep aspect of it all.

Lueji Sun 10-Feb-13 11:15:41

I just wonder how the conversation went today.

SorryMyLollipop Sun 10-Feb-13 13:04:31

I think OP was hoping for a chorus of "My DH does exactly the same! Silly widdle men! Have you tried ... shoving a hot poker up his arse ...?"

hmm

Jeez! You have to prep each & everytime you have sex??? Fuck that for a joke, no wonder you cba.
Bit ott for him to expect all that.
Do you ever have spontanious sex?

JumpingJackSprat Sun 10-Feb-13 13:49:20

im also wondering what your husband would do if you came onto him before you got all dressed up - would he turn you down? i can understand the shower thing - i had an ex who was not very fastiduous with personal hygiene and it puts me off if DP hasnt had a shower for a day or so but i wouldnt insist on it. whats your husband doing for the hour youre getting ready? if he is sitting down relaxing id be majorly pissed off.youre not a blow up doll to dress up into his fantasy everytime!

Midwife99 Sun 10-Feb-13 14:04:24

If he doesn't fancy you in your crusty old pyjamas, no make up & hair just one day too long unwashed then tough!! You're not a performer for his pleasure - you're a real person. What about a morning fumble with morning mouth & sweaty armpits once in a while?!! Silly man!

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