Mumsnet Talk

Well, maybe I'm over-reacting but I'm really fed up with hubbie as since our Dd arrived 7 months ago we've only done the deed 3 times! I've always been the one to instigate things and to be honest I'm really fed up with the rejection. Had a lovely straightforward birth and was ready to start having sex again three weeks after; but he always makes up the excuse he is tired !! He works full time and enjoys his job, it's stressful but he's always managed before. He's not having an affair as he's always home; he drinks moderately and I'm in no doubt this is having an impact . Sorry for long winded thread

Is it possible he is depressed at all? That can have a massive impact on libido.

Or birth out him off, tired, are you loose down there?

Seriously, Solesource? Seriously?

why not?

Well no one is tighter after giving birth SoleSource surely?

You seriously asked if OP is loose???!!!

I was after a CS.

My DH got a bit upset - I think he saw more when I gave birth than he really wanted to. However, I find he only wants to have sex when the children are at my mothers. This only happens in the school holidays, so we hardly ever have sex. I've kind of got used to it now.

Avante-garde though this suggestion might be, have you tried er...talking to him about it?

Or would you rather get some more of this dubious wisdom about your pelvic floor and poor ickle mens' squeamishness at seeing their children born?

Oh purleeease

Mummypig, does your vagina magically return to its pre-childbirth state when the children are more than a mile away from you? He sounds a real catch.

Badinage Are you new here? This is how it works. OP posts her problem, everyone else piles in with advice of varying degrees of dubiousness. Someone says 'leave the bastard' then a sensible soul says. ' Have you discussed it with him?' and the thread peters out. You have killed the thread.

LTB

Right, even though this thread is now dead, I'll post anyway. I agree that the squeamishness factor of seeing a baby come out of your partners vagina can be overwhelming, and then to think about putting your penis in there again can be daunting for a lot of men. Its a bit like having sex in a sacred place. He might think it is a little strange, like having sex in a church.

Plus having sex with children in the next room can be offputting for some people.

Not sure what solutions I can give you though.

Did he have a woman-hating 'traditional' upbringing? Some men go off sex after the first baby arrives because they divide women into 'good' and 'bad' ie 'mother' and 'slut' and they can't bear to think of a Sacred Mother as a sexual woman.

Well wondawoman, I'm envious. I wish I'd has sex 3 times in the last 7 months. Not looking for sympathy, just saying I'm there too and it's shit. Don't laugh people I can hear you in my head.

I feel your pain, although my dp won't sleep with me because I'm pregnant. Which I can totally understand on the one hand... but on the other I feel as though our days of "alone-time" and any semblance of pelvic floor strength and perky boobs are numbered and as if I may never have sex again. Also he's adamant that he wants to watch our daughter be born... which isn't going to help matters... and that after I give birth everything will magically go back to normal and I'll be nice and tight and have bigger boobs and no stretch marks. Because, apparently, that's how it worked for his ex. Wanker.

We were like that for several years after Dc's were born. It gets better. Sex is stupendous now! And that is with teenagers in the house!

Hope so. Got to say that I've seen two pretty horrific births and I still want to jump dw at every available opportunity.

And round here, it wasnt DP's fault. I was totally weird when the dcs were small, a real she wolf, these breasts were for milk, hands off! Sex just wasnt at the top of the agenda! It's not always the guy's fault.

Well sole I'm not loose he really enjoyed the birth and I've been a good girl and have been looking after myself ie. loosing baby weight, back to yoga etc. he wasn't keen in pregnancy either which is a bit more understanding I guess.... However ; his ex had their ds a long time ago( they were young) and he moaned that she witheld sex for a year after the birth! Think she was suffering with pnd. I don't see any evidence of him using porn etc..... It's like his libido has disappeared . I've said it to him on more than one occasion and he says he is tired . FFs!! I'm the one up with dd every time !! To be honest I'm pissed off he won't even touch me in the slightest .

Thanks saggy I hope it gets better with time ; question is how long before I get sick of waiting ??????

Solid; he did have a traditional upbringing , he's quite old Skool I guess , likes to provide etc..... Everyone always says its obvious he adores me, spoils me on my birthday , Xmas etc.....

Unlikely to be just tiredness.

More likely being unable to deal with mother/lover transformation. Happens a lot!

Well have you asked him about it? In my experience there are only 2 things which put straight men off sex....depression and other women.

MrsMushroom - that's a ridiculously simplistic view!

The arrival of a new baby knocks everyone for six. He has gone through his own hormonal changes too. His libidos may just be going through a low patch and general tiredness/additional feelings of responsibility to his growing family probably don't help.

It may well gradually get back to normal. Just try to make sure you can enjoy being close and tactile without there necessarily being any pressure to have sex.

It's not. Baby or not, men just don't go off sex unless they are unwell (mentally or physically) or there is another woman. OP has not said if she's spoken to him about it either.

Ya have asked him and his only response is I'm tired ! He goes to bed around 10 every night , up at 8 am uninterrupted !! I'm still bf so co-sleep with dd but I always get up early and go into his bed for cuddles ... That's all I get !! I'm just annoyed as its always women getting a hard time because their tired !! I'm really making an effort and its like I'm invisible

Def not another woman ; he's always home . ( if not in pub).

I'm inclined to think depression or he's gone off me.... What happens if he's depressed?? There's a huge family history of depression in my family and I know it's a tough road

Have you actually met any men? The things that can influence their sex drive are as many and varied as any other humans (women included). You seem to be describing priapic cartoon characters, not fully rounded people with complex psyches!

Food my response was to MrsMushroom's comment.

OP - I don't think your DH deserves a hard time any more than you would if you were still not feeling all that up for sex.

Damn auto correct - food was faod!

If he's getting 10 hours of uninterrupted sleep every night and is still tired, he needs to see a doctor.

I share your pain, I'm only 2 months in to a relationship & only had sex twice & we're practically living together.

He's just not interested, rarely touches me or is too tired!

In saying that, he perfect in so many other ways.

I don't think there's one simple reason, could be many things

I would put money on it being depression, even if he seems to be managing his job well he could just be going through the motions. Nip it in the bud now, sit him down and talk to him, maybe get him to do an online depression quiz or better yet, go and see your GP.
Your husband sounds a lot like mine was, stressful job, always tired and lack of libido. His depression has now led to a full fledged affair and he left me with 3 kids for his high school crush. He was better for a while when he was on medication,but of course then thought he was okay and came off the meds. IF your husband is depressed it may even just be he needs some counselling to get strategies for coping with his work/home stresses to find some balance.
Does he generally eat well, is he active, is he gaining or losing weight?

Worth a GP checkup. Diabetes etc is a possibility. Hopefully not. Aerobic exercise is also a help. Shame that you can't play some sport/exercise together. Cures all! Suspending time with other couples that you like can also trigger deep affection for each other.

Is your partner unhappy with his job?

An amazed that some people seem to genuinely think that men are basically machines that want sex, and if they don't want sex they are either ill in their mind or their body or they are getting it elsewhere.

Not sure bluegrass anyone is saying this is limited to men - we are all programmed to want sex

The only person using the word "machine" is you, Bluegrass.

Wanting to have sex doesn't make a person into a machine, and it's pretty insulting to insinuate that it does.

Regardless of his sex drive, a young man who is still tired after 10 hours sleep every night should be questioning his health.

That's a lot of sleep for an adult to be getting and still be tired.

Tiredness is the first symptom of a lot of nasties.

Depression is often indicated by sleep disruption, but also sleeping too much can lower mood.

Do men really go through "hormonal changes" when their partner is pregnant and after the birth ?

Really ?

He doesn't exercise , likes a drink , and is a lazy shite around the house . Have mentioned several times that it seems strange he's tired when he gets his sleep! Sometimes I think he's using tiredness as an excuse! Thanks again for advice tho... I'll have a chat with him tonight and see if I can get him to see gp.

No men don't go through hormonal changes after becoming fathers.

Some men go through psychological changes though. One of which is the Madonna/Whore complex that's been mentioned.

I think this bloke's got that, especially as he went off sex while the OP was pregnant.

There's no evidence he's suffering from depression either - and I'm getting tired of this being offered as a catch-all excuse for every example of make fuckwittery.

There is evidence that this bloke is a selfish, lazy sexist though who doesn't seem to give a fuck about his wife's needs, whether that's for rest, sharing the workload or sex.

That - and a madonna/whore complex - is likely to be the source of the problem.

But if the only conversation that's been had is a series of requests and rejections - and not one that takes place out of the bedroom and addresses this and all the problems in the relationship, no-one can know why this is happening.

So talk to him OP. About this and all your other understandable grievances.

male fuckwittery.

And some daft women make excuses for them

I will never ever understand that

men should be taken out for a daily walk/run

Wondawoman: so he's lazy and selfish generally as well as sexually? Why not just bin him? And Bitofadvice - FFS you are having no fun with a man you've nly been seeing a couple of months? Definitely throw that one back for someone else. Women are simply not told often enough it's fine to dump an unsatisfactory man. If he's not putting any effort into making the relationship good and happy and life-enhancing, don't waste any more of your time and energy trying to do so, just bin him.