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how to deal with DP's anger issues? long sorry!

(51 Posts)
DreamingOfGreen Fri 08-Feb-13 11:03:05

this might turn out to be a long one! i don't really know where to start. last night myself and DP had a minor disagreement about planning for our future, we are currently unhappy living where we are and we both have different ideas of where we want to live. this in itself is not the issue. this issue is the way he reacts whenever something bothers him. what started as a minor thing ended with him leaving the room while i was speaking to to him as he said he could feel tension building so he left the room. then when he came back in, i tried speaking to him again about it and he shouted, very loudly, in my face 'shut your fucking mouth!' i can't even remember what i said to make him react like that. he then apologised and said he was getting angry and irate.

this is by no means the first time this has happened, he is bipolar and he has been much worse than this, he sometimes shouts and throws things around the room and smashes stuff. he has never directed this anger towards me or DD (13 months) but i do have serious issues with it, obviously. it is sometimes triggered by DD's crying if i'm trying to deal with her having a hissy fit about something he will sometimes shout 'shut that fucking child up' and he will look like he is about to punch something. he is a big guy and before DD was born he was never ever aggressive in this manner. he has found fatherhood rather difficult to settle in to (DD was not planned) and he seems to blame all his anger issues on DD's crying/behaviour etc. i try and explain that it is not DD's fault, it is his inability to deal with her that is the problem. it really bothers me that DD has seen him be aggressive and she is sometimes visibly scared of him.

after our little row last night i found that he left open a page on the net which was entitled 'when to end a relationship'. he speaks often of the fact that he thinks i don't like him as much anymore (not true, the only issue i have is the anger) and he feels like the relationship isn't working. however, as he is bipolar, one minute he is feeling like its great, then the next he thinks its awful and going to end.

i don't know what to do anymore, the more he has these angry outbursts the more i feel like i will have no choice but to end the relationship. i want him to get help, he always says he will but never follows through. i really don't understand bipolar issues and think he is just being ridiculous a lot of the time. maybe i need to work on this but i am at my wits end. please help!!

DreamingOfGreen Fri 08-Feb-13 11:03:40

i have also name changing for the above post as i have a feeling he looks on mumsnet sometimes!!

HotDAMNlifeisgood Fri 08-Feb-13 11:07:42

How to deal with his issues?

He has to deal with them (...or not, as the case may be).

You only have two choices: accept his unacceptable behaviour, or leave.

Ask yourself: What kind of treatment do you deserve, dreaming? And are you getting it in this relationship?

pictish Fri 08-Feb-13 11:12:47

Sounds like an aggressive, manipulative fucking arse to me!

So how do you deal with him? Well...you don't.
These problems are his. It's not up to you to deal with them...they're not your problems.

What is he going to do to deal with his problems. That's what you need to be asking.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 08-Feb-13 11:13:05

Agreeing with HotDamn... you cannot manage or change how this man chooses to behave. He blames you. He blames a baby. You're making excuses about him finding fatherhood difficult, being bi-polar, and how he's 'been worse'... as if that makes it OK. Verbal abuse is violence. Smashing things up is violence. It is entirely his choice to behave this way and entirely his responsibility to decide to not behave this way

You can only decide whether or not you're willing to carry on being the victim of his aggression and subjecting your child to the same treatment. I don't think either of you are safe.

izzyizin Fri 08-Feb-13 11:14:13

'it really bothers me that DD has seen him be aggressive and she is sometimes visibly scared of him.

The fact that your dd is visibly scared of her father at only 13 mos old tells you all you need to know about 'how to deal with' his anger issues.

You need to end this relationship NOW to prevent any further trauma being inflicted on your dd.

If he is so inclined, let him deal with his anger issues in another location and do not allow your dd to have any unsupervised contact with him.

Visit www.womensaid.org.uk and start making plans to leave asap.

'shut your fucking mouth!'

If a man said this to me, I couldn't live in the same house.

And if a man frightened my child?

It would be over.

pictish Fri 08-Feb-13 11:17:38

I agree cog.

The first thing to do above all else OP, is to stop making excuses for him. He is being abusive, and that is nowt to do with bipolar, or because he's struggling to adapt to fatherhood...it's because he is selfish and nasty.

That's your starting point. You said yourself you think he's being ridiculous. Listen to yourself. Trust your instincts and don't be talked down by a barrage of excuses or apologies. It is what it is.

You and your H were trying to make plans for your future.

May I suggest that you make plans for your own future and that of your dc?

The fact you referred to this as "our little row last night" is a bit chilling.

it was not a little row

angry

pictish Fri 08-Feb-13 11:23:25

"Shut you fucking mouth"

How vulgar, aggressive and disrespectful.

Does he speak to his mum like that? His boss? His friends?

No - of course he doesn't. He saves the very worst of himself all for you.
He hasn't got an anger problem, he has an abuse problem.

DreamingOfGreen Fri 08-Feb-13 11:27:17

i have thought about this a lot recently and pretty much everything you all have said has gone though my head at some point! it sickens me that has scared DD and at the time i did think, i can't do this any more.
but then he calms down and talk about it and blah blah blah. i have been reading a bit about bipolar and i am worried that if i left he would do something unreasonable like hurt himself, or worse. sometimes he says he doesn't know how he would carry on if me and DD weren't around and then other times he says i should just leave. he is a very confusing person to live with!!

DreamingOfGreen Fri 08-Feb-13 11:29:57

btw, if i disappear for a while its cos DP has got up (he works evenings/nights!)

pictish Fri 08-Feb-13 11:32:11

Yes...all abusers are nice for a proportion of the time, and often very contrite about their abusive episodes...they wouldn't be able to get any woman to actually stay with them if they weren't, would they?
The very fact that the behaviour returns time and agian is all you need to understand.
He wants to behave like that, he feels entitled to behave like that, and he WILL continue to behave like that.

And he'll blame you.

pictish Fri 08-Feb-13 11:33:50

Or he'll blame his bipolar/stress/being a father/lack of money/hating where you live/feeling depressed/whatever whatever whatever....

Either way, he fully expects you to suck up his shit.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Fri 08-Feb-13 11:34:32

i am worried that if i left he would do something unreasonable like hurt himself, or worse. sometimes he says he doesn't know how he would carry on if me and DD weren't around

again: not your responsibility. His actions, his responsibility.

Read this rather than stuff on bipolar

pictish Fri 08-Feb-13 11:35:26

OP I too thoroughly recommend the Bancroft book.
It certainly opened my eyes.

OxfordBags Fri 08-Feb-13 11:37:10

OP, this is abuse. The fact that he is nice sometimes does not stop it being abuse. If abusers were nasty all the time, no-one would wver stay with them or have kids with them. I think his Bipolar is confusing things and you are both using it as an escuse for abusiveness. Believe me, he would be abusive if he was not Bipolar. And it's also pretty abusive to not get help for his Bipolar. He knows it's a condition that can affect his behaviour and that that will adversely affect those around him and he chooses not to get help for that. He. Just. Doesn't. Care.

The fact that your DD is barely over a year old and yet visibly scared of him tells you everything you need to know. She understands he is a danger and an abuser whilst you try to minimise the problem and convince yourself it is just his mental health or him just being off sometime. You can't stay with him because you are scared his Bipolar might get worse or he might harm himself. These things are his responsibility to get help for, both in the relationship and out of it.

Abuse often happens after a child is born. Something about the new vulnerability and dependency of a woman who has become a mother and the vulnerability of a baby seem to click on a switch for men who are deeply inadequate and damaged and make them need to be superior and to indulge all their anger and frustration on the people he sees as beneath him, as mere objects to either make him happy or to vent his problems onto - you and your DD.

There is only one way for you to deal with his many issues - you leave.

Or you stay and help him teach your daughter to be an abuse victim when she is an adult.

This man is very damaged and troubled. He should not be in a relationship with anyone. He should be single and getting as much help for all his problems as possible.

Lueji Fri 08-Feb-13 11:42:06

You don't have to deal with it. He has.

Preferably away from you.

I'm afraid you have to set up boundaries with him.

You and he should not be together; its not working and what you have tried to date has not worked. He is not yours to rescue and or save.

You describe last night as well as a little row; that shows me how much you've been conditioned to accept this abusive treatment of yourselves at his hands.

BTW has he been medically diagnosed re bipolar?

Do talk to Womens Aid; they can and will help you here.

You and your DD do not have to live like this.

HeyHoHereWeGo Fri 08-Feb-13 11:45:42

Bipolar isn't generally up one minute, down the next.
Its more weeks or months going up then weeks or months going down.
Does he have an actual diagnosis?
Does he have regular appointments with his psych team?
Is he on medication, and are his team happy with the levels etc?
Are you included in his treatment?
Have you ever reported to his team that he has "an anger problem" which he says is due to his BPAD?
Do they agree that anger is a part of his illness.

Yes, irritability is associated with BPAD but it should be reported to team and discussed in the open.
Wanting to end a relationship, not wanting the responsibility of minding a baby, and generaly being an arse are not associated with BPAD.

Does this help at all?

izzyizin Fri 08-Feb-13 11:46:54

He'll carry on if you and dd weren't around. In fact, he'll engage in a right old carry on about you being the light of his life, making false promises to change if only you'll take him back, etc etc ad nauseum.

He may make threats to do away with himself if you fail to jump to it listen to his pleas but, should this occur, he'll carry on living because twunts like him have no intention of missing out on the pleasure they get from tormenting weak women by shaking off this mortal coil prematurely.

expatinscotland Fri 08-Feb-13 11:51:37

This person is abusive. You need to leave.

AgathaF Fri 08-Feb-13 11:59:53

sometimes he says he doesn't know how he would carry on if me and DD weren't around and then other times he says i should just leave.

It's not for him to tell you to stay or leave. He is abusive and violent. He is a danger to your baby. She is already frightened of him. Your responsibility, as her mother, is to protect her and that is what you must do now. By leaving this man.

It will more than likely escalate if you stay. Your baby could be in much more danger by the time whe reaches the age of 2 and has learnt to say 'no' and be a normally full-on toddler. She is also learning everything she sees. She is learning that men are violent and shout - and that that is normal. She will take these lessons into her adult life unless you get her out of this awful, abusive home life.

izzyizin Fri 08-Feb-13 12:03:48

Do you realise that your baby is exhibiting behaviour commonly found in infants who live in warzones?

And she's doing this in her home. The one place where she should be safe from harm. In a country which is not engaged in civil war.

cestlavielife Fri 08-Feb-13 14:44:09

"i am worried that if i left he would do something unreasonable like hurt himself, or worse. sometimes he says he doesn't know how he would carry on if me and DD weren't around and then other times he says i should just leave. he is a very confusing person to live with!! "

no - and it wont get easier.
best you live separately as of now and you arange set times for him to see dd - when he can cope with her.

will he harm himself if you leave?
well maybe. but guess what it will be his choice...has he threatened to do so? next time he does call 999 .

"shouts and throws things around the room and smashes stuff. he has never directed this anger towards me or DD "

he doesnt need to direct it AT you or dd for it to be abusive.
it makes you and dd feel scared.
and an object could so easily hit dd or you by accident.

it isnt acceptable behaviour.
you shoudl not live with it.

how do you eal with his anger? by removing it from your life, by removing him; seet your boundaries - f he cant be calm, he isnt in your house. it is that simple. doesnt mater if is due to MH or not - your DD should live in a peaceful calm environment. 24/7 365 days a year not waiting for the next ouburst

if he needs medication -he should take it. but have him take meds/therapy away from you and learn to control himself. if he was your nanny/childminder behaving like this - you would have sacked her by now, right?

if he is choosing to do this - he needs to be away from you

DreamingOfGreen Fri 08-Feb-13 14:45:41

HeyHo he has not seen anyone about his BPD for a very long time. it has not been a problem in our relationship until a couple of months after dd was born. i distinctly remember the first time he was in any way aggressive, he kicked over a chair in the living room and stormed off.
i really want to him to address his problems, having looked on the Mind website, he does have all the symptoms of BPD. i'm wondering if i should let him see a specialist before just leaving him? i feel like i should give him that chance at least. he said earlier that i can make an appointment at the gp for him to get a referral. i think he really needs help.
Mind says that a stressful event like childbirth can trigger BPD again, i'm wondering if this is what has happened. in any case i think he does need help. we had a wonderful relationship before, i just want the man i fell in love with back again. sad

DreamingOfGreen Fri 08-Feb-13 14:49:21

thank you all for your replies as well, i heed what you are all saying. i think if it carries on much longer, or if he refuses to get help, then i will not have any choice but to leave, which i really don't want to do but i need to know DD is safe. i must stress she is not always scared of him, she has only expressed that once or twice. which tbh is more than enough times sad

cestlavielife Fri 08-Feb-13 14:50:44

look have him leave and live separately and let him know if he gets help and addresses his issues there is a chance.

you have to set clear boundaries.
if he shouts/throws things - he goes now today.

are you willing to risk another shouting/throwing episode tonight/tomorrow/ next week while you wait for him to see someone? do you want your dd to see yet more episodes of shouting and throwing things? risk being hit by a flying fis or object?

why is he letting you make an appt? why isnt he doing it if he recognizes the issue?

fact: he is an adult - he has to be the one to go to gp and ask for help!

GreatUncleEddie Fri 08-Feb-13 14:52:53

Sorry if I missed this - is he on meds? If not, why not?

HotDAMNlifeisgood Fri 08-Feb-13 14:54:09

he said earlier that i can make an appointment at the gp for him to get a referral.

Oh FFS - he can make his own appointment at the GP! If he actually gave a shit.

You are not responsible for his behaviour. You are not responsible for his eventual therapy. He and only he is.

For it to be effective, it has to come from him.
If you are responsible for it, you are setting yourself to take the blame when it all goes wrong.

HE needs to sort himself out, by his own grown-ass self, IF he actually wants to.

YOU need to decide how much more of his behaviour you are willing to take, and take your own steps in consequence.

Have you considered that he may not have BPD at all?.

He could certainly make an appt at the GP; he simply does not want to and does not give a fig about either you or your DD. He is already refusing to seek help.

He will destroy you both if you stay. Compare your own self now to how you were before you were unfortunate enough to meet such a person. Your DD as well has been scared on more than one occasion by him.

The only acceptable level of violence within a relationship is none.

cestlavielife Fri 08-Feb-13 15:18:54

does he have a bipolar diagnosis from a psychiatrist?
is he actually on meds for this?

you ahve a chance to leave with DD now before too much damage is done/before more damage is done.

fact: he can't cope with being a father.
fact: he isnt seeking help

i stayed with my similar ex for years - in the end he did direct this anger at me/ds.. separate now.

firesidechat Fri 08-Feb-13 15:47:50

*Bipolar isn't generally up one minute, down the next.
Its more weeks or months going up then weeks or months going down.
Does he have an actual diagnosis?
Does he have regular appointments with his psych team?
Is he on medication, and are his team happy with the levels etc?
Are you included in his treatment?
Have you ever reported to his team that he has "an anger problem" which he says is due to his BPAD?
Do they agree that anger is a part of his illness.

Yes, irritability is associated with BPAD but it should be reported to team and discussed in the open.
Wanting to end a relationship, not wanting the responsibility of minding a baby, and generaly being an arse are not associated with BPAD.

Does this help at all?*

I was going to say something along these lines.

A relative has bipolar disorder and it doesn't involve the same kind of mood swings that you describe, although I think there are two types of bipolar. Bipolar is a serious mental illness and highs or lows can last for weeks or months at a time.

Either way, what you are going through sounds horrendous and I couldn't live with it unless I had some support.

DreamingOfGreen Fri 08-Feb-13 21:53:35

i kind of over exaggerated when i said he is up one minute then down he next. its more like, he has an angry or aggressive out burst, storms off and then goes and lies down in the dark in bed and doesn't come down unless i go and talk to him, by which point he has usually calmed down but is feeling very depressed about everything.
we will them talk though things and try and come to a solution, which always ends up with me saying he needs to get help and he agrees.
he will then generally be fine for a few days/weeks/months before it happens again. his mother is also very depressed and he did not have a stable childhood, i know he genuinely has problems but as someone who is very level-headed i have trouble understanding and coping with his issues.
he will not take medication and tbh i wouldn't want him to as i think he should get over his problems without being drugged up. i don't think anti-depressants don't really do any good in the long run.
it is a very difficult situation, i really love him and if he had been like during the first stages of our relationship i would not have had children with him and would not have stayed with him. i just don't feel like this is the real him at the moment, i don't know where my man has gone but i want him back sad

DreamingOfGreen Fri 08-Feb-13 21:55:50

i forgot to say he also has the high times characterised by BPD, where he will get really giddy and excitable - almost like a child - and after which he will usually come crashing down. this is becoming less frequent and seems to be being replace with more angry outbursts sad

Hissy Fri 08-Feb-13 22:01:53

Leave him.

Seriously, he'll take you down with him.

OxfordBags Fri 08-Feb-13 22:23:59

I said it before, and I will repeat it: the Bipolar is a red herring. It sounds very much like he is Bipolar AND abusive. He is BOTH. It is possible, very possible indeed.

Moreover, even if this behaviour is 100% due to his Bipolar, you should not have to tolerate it and should not stay with him because it's not the 'real' him.

Your children will not to be able to understand, rationalise and excuse his behaviour the way you do, they will just be terrified of him and damaged forever by his behaviour.

I think when you say you are level-headed and don't understand things, this actually means that because you wouldn't behave like this yourself, you are trying too hard to find excuses and to minimise it. Also that because you can't 'get' it, you're minimising it.

When you say that this is not the real him, you are mistaken. This IS the real him. People SHOW you who they are. The nice facade is slipping. He has you were he wants you and is dropping the nice guy act because he doesn't feel he needs it to keep you and control you anymore.

I always ask women with abusive partners this: would YOU behave this way towards your partner? (and that includes with their childhoos issues and current stress) If no, and you know the answer will be no, why not? And then, if why not, how come it's acceptable for him to behave like that to you?

And you can't just excuse all that with his Bipolar, because if he cared, he would get treatment, his no. 1 priority in life would be ensuring that his condition did not make life bad for the people who should matter most to him in the world. When he is in a 'normal' state (I hate using normal in regards to MH, so please excuse it for want of a better word) he would have done this by now if this abusiveness wasn't his actual true self.

Abusers abuse because it serves them well. Ergo, it's virtually impossible to get them to change because making your life a misery means nothing to them compared to making themselves happy.

HeyHoHereWeGo Sat 09-Feb-13 08:15:49

Do you know that BPAD is a really serious illness, akin to schizophrenia?
It has a huge morbidity and mortality.
It wrecks lives.
It usually requires a cocktail of drugs to get and stay well.

However - it became fashionable a few years ago and this is why:

In Europe, generally, health care is available to people and the doctors have a lot of discretion - if they need to spend an hour assessing a patient, then they do, if they need a week, they take a week. If they want to see the patient again, they do so. They rely on clinical judgement hugely - thats what brings medicine from science towards craft, and in Europe thats what it is. In europe a diagnostic tool/ list of diagnosis called the ICD is used. This lets the doctor double check "Lets have a look at his thing, and make sure this person's diagnosis is valid (true)" The ICD has room for clinical skill.

Meanwhile over in America, those who do have access to medical care are at the total and absolute mercy of the insurance companies. So diagnosis involves minimum clinical skill and maximum box-ticking and useof algorithms.
A doctor in the UK sits before you with a blank page and takes notes that he/she sees as relevant. A doctor in the US sits before you with a prefilled form. Doctor will only get paid if patient has A plus B plus 2 of 3 in C. If these criteria are met doctor can schedule one follow up visit of 15 minutes.
Etc ect
Their system of classification is called the DSM
It is entirely restrictive and leaves no room for clinical impression.

Doctors there, of course, are trained in this way (how else to square up ethical consideration with leaving large portions untreated) and thus think its normal. They think it is utterly scientific.
Doctors here (that have considered such differences) see that their way leads to HUGE numbers being medicated (10% of school age children anyone) as that is the path down which insurance companies take them.

So it is not rare at all in the US it be diagnosed as Bipolar on the basis of Have you ever felt down? and Have you ever had a period where you felt on top of the world?
So US doctor ticks the hundred boxes, patient gets cover for medicine and a review visit, the whole business goes on.

SO European doctors sometimes use DSM. Of course, they've maybe worked in the US, or read papers from there, or like the general population have a bit of love for all things Americana.
Plus some celebs are lets say easier to diagnose with BPAD than say Narcisisstic PD. A more palatable dx.

Why the long essay?
Dunno,up too early, too much coffee.
Tired of seeing MH diagnosis used as an excuse for bad behaviour.
Hoping maybe that OP or other interested posters might go mmm, might remember some of that when next I see men use MH as an excuse, whilest doing nothing about it.

If your DP wants the right to use BPAD as an excuse, he has to a) actually have the thing and b) be doing something about it.
(It is very unusual for someone actually diagnosed with BPAD to simply not be in contact with any follow up treatment/support)
People who say "oh well I looked it up, I definitely have a touch of that" are looking for an excuse. Who would use schizophrenia in such a way? No-one. So why so acceptable now to use BPAD?

Anyway, this is the end of the thread, a thread killer for sure, but I got it off my chest.
Off for more coffee.

Hissy Sat 09-Feb-13 08:40:08

Sweety, you are not in a relationship with someone who is ill, you are in a relationship with domestic abuse/violence.

You are being abused. Your DD is being abused. You want your loving partner back, I'm so sorry to tell you, and it would really help if you read the Why Does He Do That book to see why, but that man was only ever an illusion. He never existed and, to you, he will never exist again. Well, unless he needs to reel you back in under his control.

The Bipolar thing is a smokescreen, it's a lie I reckon, used to give him a cast iron shield to any and every request you have to stop being nasty to you, and to blame you AND your little baby for triggering him.

this man is destroying you and unless you leave NOW, your DD will grow up to know that this is normal and you will watch as she goes from one abuser to the next.

This is your chance to save her from this, and yourself. You can't change anything about this, this is not of your doing, nothing you ever do or say will change a thing, well, leaving might, but unless you do go, you will never see any improvement, only worsening of the current situation.

At this early stage in your family's life, there ought to be decades of life left for you all, but a man like this could very well change all this.

Two women a week are killed in the UK by abusive partners. He could very well cite all kinds of MH stuff to justify hurting you AND your DD, and he knows it.

Get out, stay out. There is nothing more you can do.

GreatUncleEddie Sat 09-Feb-13 10:05:09

I think he either goes on meds or you leave, tbh. His behaviour is massively unhealthy.

SundaysGirl Sat 09-Feb-13 10:29:44

Um people who have bipolar are not usually able to get over it with a course of anti-depressants.

It's a lifelong, serious mental illness that affects every part of their lives, and is really rather hellish. I doubt your partner has anything of the sort from what you describe here. By the way the people I've met who suffer from bipolar? Spent their lives being routinely hospitalised due to their illness. It's like another poster said..think of it like schizophrenia..you can't just get a 'touch' of bipolar. It's too common for people to have mood swings and then people to say oh it's bipolar.

When you see the disorder in action...the manic phases are extremely obvious to anyone around the person, as are the lower moods. The person is not able to function, often cannot talk coherently, or at all. They dont have a hissy fit and hide in a dark room for a coupe of hours until their partner who they have just been abusive to comes and talks them out of it.

Maybe he has BPD - Borderline Personality Disorder. Maybe. Without diagnosis by a professional who can say really?

Dreaming I see you've checked his behaviour against the Bi-Polar site. I would also have a look at some of the information on Domestic Violence to see if you identify some of the impacts of his behaviour on you.

Abuse in Different Forms

BrittaPerry Sat 09-Feb-13 10:47:00

They wouldn't prescribe anti depressants for bipolar. It would make it worse. They might prescribe mood stabilisers, or maybe anti psychotics in combination with anti depressants.
If he does actually have bipolar, he needs these meds to survive, it is not a case of 'getting over issues'. It would take a hell of a lot of support before he would come off meds, if at all.
The charities that help people with schizophrenia also help people with bipolar.
A severe mental illness takes around 10 years off someones life span.

I don't know him, but it doesn't sound like he has it. I have it, and I would honestly say that someone with a severe mental illness who is off meds and has anger issues would not be near my child. I don't say that lightly.

DreamingOfGreen Sat 09-Feb-13 11:51:48

Tea thank you for that link, it was actually quite reassuring, he doesn't do hardly any of those things on the list, they sound horrifying. although i'm not saying that because he only does a few things it makes the situation any better. i don't think he would ever hurt myself or DD and if he ever did, i would immediately leave. no questions asked.
i think my course of action is to get him to the GP asap, get him seeing someone professional and warn him that if anything untoward happens in the mean time then he can just leave or i will take DD and stay at my mum's for a while.
does that sound reasonable?
also, i have doubted that he has true BDAP for some time, maybe he does have BPD. i'm not sure. i just want him to get some help.

I think it is important to remember that this is one of those lists that you don't have to tick all of them - even doing one regularly is acceptable and you don't get any in a healthy relationship.

What I'd advise you to do though is just keep that list in the back of your mind over the coming days/weeks/months.

Good luck - I hope that getting treatment sorts out those things that are on the list. If it doesn't please remember that you are not responsible for him, his treatment, his behaviour or anything other than making sure you look after yourself and your child. You can't not fix someone nor can you change them. This I know from my own experience.

WRT to your plan. I think you need to be specific about your boundaries - so no shouting at you or DD, breaking items of furniture or using intimidating behaviour as a starter. Getting treatment another.

And you spend time thinking so you are clear in your head what you will do to implement your exit plan. Perhaps have your important papers stored out of the house (passports and birth certificates, bank statements). Maybe have a bag packed so you can leave at a moments notice. Know which of the boundaries you'd call the police over.

in my post at 14:02 I should have said "even doing one regularly isn't acceptable" - sorry.

MittzchievousMinx Sat 09-Feb-13 14:53:57

I still read threads like this and they chill me.

It took me a very, very long time to get the courage together to leave a man very like this Dreaming.

A plan is a good idea, if you are both committed to working things out and believe he means it then by all means, that is a starting point. I would put a very clear deadline on things happening though
And he has to be pro active about every step. Not paying lip service to appease you and then after a week or so things slide back to the way they were.
And a very thick black line has to be drawn on certain things NEVER happening again.
He exerts self control, or is obviously not capable of doing so without either medication or therapy.

Having an exit plan is a good idea, BUT really not a sign of a healthy relationship and it makes me so very sad that you are having to think like that.

If he is going to change, then it is hard work and to be honest, although I didn't at the time, I would advise moving out and giving yourself some space. And peace of mind.

Deeply sadly, 3 1/2 years after long term Marriage to a man similar to your DP, My two DC's still have their own issues.

Hissy is right I think. The actual likelihood of him changing is remote and the long term effects are devastating. My father was like this, and I did as she said and moved from one abusive situation to another. It is 'conditioned' into you, and becomes your norm. So even when you know it is wrong. It feels right.

And aside from my DC's, and even with counselling, I am virtually incapable of dealing with some of the long term consequences of 4 decades of DA.
I am doing better, but I limp and the paralysing fear it has left me with sometimes is so wearing.

The 'nice sometimes bit' is the hardest and the most insidious.
Even my DS, now 15, says when he sees his Dad he can manage him when he is being vile, but when he turns on the emotional tap..... it messes with your head. Both DS and DD admit they are still scared of him.

And ANYONE who blames you when they have stepped so clearly out of line is incapable of taking personal responsibility for their own behaviour. It shows an overwhelming lack of respect.

Life is damn hard, for the most part, your relationship should provide a source of strength and comfort, not somewhere where a child feels scared.
Ever sad

lemonstartree Sat 09-Feb-13 16:52:40

'Bi-polar' is not an excise for having hissy fits..

As a genuine diagnosis, bipolar disorder is a very serious mental health problem Applying the term to every bad tempered, entitled, immature prick does no-one any favours

Does he have a psychiatrist ? is he on medication? does his 'bipolar' disorder affect ANYONE else ? or is it just an exciue to frighten and be aggressive with YOU his partner ?

it is CHILLING to thing a year old child is frightened of her father. Thats not a one off shouty episode, that's sustained, persistent aggressive, scary actions in front of a baby.

i'd bet my life he's not bipolar, just bad tempered with poor self control

AnyFucker Sat 09-Feb-13 20:32:03

I am appalled you would stay with a man that you acknowledge is visibly frightening your tiny daughter

It takes a lot for one so young to be demonstrating outward signs of fear of her father

Things are only going to get worse, and I worry you are not protecting the most precious things in your life

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