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I carnt take this shit anymore..... i just carnt...

(55 Posts)
MySonIsMyWorld Thu 07-Feb-13 22:39:31

Hi All,
my relationship with "DP" is over, i carnt take the shit anymore. I just carnt do it. Since my ds was born dp has walked in and out on diffrent occasions but recently he hasnt done it, anyway, ds woke up poorly last wednesday early hours and he had peed out of his nappy so needing changing and by the time i had changed him and settled him he was wide awake, dp was going on about how he had to get up for work in x amount of time moan moan moan anyway ds was jumping on bed at this point 4.30am and he fell onto dp head so he pushed him quite aggresivly off him onto me and we ended up headbutting ds thought it was a game but it really did hurt me, DS is 21 months can i just add anyway i stayed calm and just told him to get up for work and go to work, he ended up hitting me with his trousers which hit our ds too he then started saying i was a fucking cunt, fucking prick, fucking whore blah blah blah etc etc so instead of retaliating (sorry for spelling) i was laughing with ds going silly daddy silly daddy so ds couldnt hear his dad calling his mum a fucking cunt, anyway, ended up with dp punching through our tv in ourbedroom while son was sat in our bed, then he said to me "your not laughing now are you". I told him to get out took his key off him and calmly locked the door and went back to bed with my ds didnt hear from him untill saturday morning - not a whimper, i was very very happy actually. In the meantime id bagged all his stuff up and put it out back for him to collect (if he did, the other times he walked out he just went out with is £1600 wage and brought all new stuff) and id put the tv out back too so when i saw it i could remember why i didnt need this twat head in my life no more but whenever my ds saw it he would say "daddy bang bang!" and point at tv so moved it in the end so ds couldnt see it - anyway.....
Saturday morning he knocks on the door i tell him i dont want to talk to him and i dont care, he says please, i let him in to talk, he gives me all the tears how much he thought about me and ds how much he loves us etc etc how he has no where to stay how he will go to the doctors about his anger blah blah refuses to leave, i give up and go to my grans house, when i get back home he has literaly done nothing but sit and watch tv (So much for change) and ds is asleep in my arms he starts an argument, telling me my parenting skills are crapp, i dont look affter ds because ds doesnt get disiplined by me etc etc how i dont want him here blah blah i told him that it will not work i want him to leave i carnt do it all again, he says did i mean it that it was over i said yes he slams my front door into my pram (lucky ds wasnt in it!) and tells me "how it fucking breaks" which wakes my poor ds up so i ring the police.

Next minute he is at my neighbours who i share a yard with, her backdoor backs onto my back door stood outside my back door with my neighbour smoking looking straight through my window!!!! He begs me to let me stay because its raning and he has no where to go blah blah blah i say he can stay on ds bedroom floor as ds doesnt sleep in his cot yet (still in our bed) anyway he at work the next two days, things are ok, we get on much more when he at work , on the 3rd day he is off and he is stropping around the house, swearing, not doing anything, back to his usual self anyway today i told him to go out for abit at 3pm to get out my hair for abit, he comes in at 7pm stinking of booze wakes our ds up who i was trying to settle to sleep and tells me he been sat in the pub with his mate all evening while i been looking after our ds so ive told him to go, i carnt do all this shit anymore i carnt be mentally abused i carnt have him telling me everything i do is wrong or shit anymore i carnt do it...the problem i have now is i have £288 a month spare for food, clothes, petrol, car matience, everything and i dont know how im going to do it! :'(

PS...Not actually sad that ive left my dp....feel free....feel happy!!!! more pissed off with the fact he has £1600 a month for himself for a job I GOT HIM!!!" ugh.

HollyBerryBush Thu 07-Feb-13 22:43:41

Well if you are sure you arent going to keep pitying him and letting him back in to talk or because its raining etc, I suggest you get yourself either down to the benefits centre or the job centre, closely followed by a call to the CSA.

PootlePosyPerkin Thu 07-Feb-13 22:44:55

Hi. Firstly, I'm sorry you are going through a rough time.

Secondly, your "D"P does not (or will not) have £1600 a month for himself. He will have to financially support his son.

It sounds like you know that you have made the right decision. I could not stay with a 'man' who used violence as a default setting either.

LineRunner Thu 07-Feb-13 22:47:17

What did the Police do?

Agree you should bin him, and visit your nearest advice centre, CAB or similar, and call the CSA.

izzyizin Thu 07-Feb-13 22:47:27

Has he gone?

If so, what are you going to do next time he turns in the rain spouting crocodile tears and begging for somewhere to sleep and promising to change?

If not, nothing's changed, has it?

MySonIsMyWorld Thu 07-Feb-13 22:51:56

Thanks all, ive sorted my benefits just waiting to sort CSA how much is it?? and if he pays CSA do he have a right to see ds because i dont want my ds around that man any longer...

I carnt let him in again, i feel stressed just having him in the house, i carnt do it....

Police did nothing really recoreded it, DP has been violent to me in the past actually picked me up and dropped me on my head got social services involved which is another reason I HATE THIS MAN! Social services closed the case with me and my ds very very quickly andkept the case focused on dp.....im a good mum.... my ds is so loved i need to keep this man away!

MySonIsMyWorld Thu 07-Feb-13 22:58:02

and doesnt csa effect your benefits ?

CharlotteCollinsislost Thu 07-Feb-13 22:58:03

CSA maintenance calculator

Council tax is less if he's not there, too.

Totally agree that you shouldn't let him back in the house again.

pictish Thu 07-Feb-13 22:58:15

Yes yes you do. You absolutely do need to keep this man away!

You're doing great. xxx

CharlotteCollinsislost Thu 07-Feb-13 22:58:58

And no, I believe maintenance is not taken into account in benefits calculations.

MySonIsMyWorld Thu 07-Feb-13 23:00:05

Ok so il get £220 roughly from csa.....but does it effect benefits?

LineRunner Thu 07-Feb-13 23:00:10

CSA is separate from contact.

Dryjuice25 Thu 07-Feb-13 23:00:56

You are right to let him go. He can still be a father to your ds.You sound in distress, are you ok op?

He should not be allowed to get away with this apalling behaviour for much longer nomatter how much he is earning. FWIW, he is the bad parent for violence in front of your son. Utterly vile creature he is

MySonIsMyWorld Thu 07-Feb-13 23:02:07

sorry only just read the last post

I hope so, ugh im going to struggle my ass off!

I hate that man for doing this to me.....why are men horrible?!?!

CharlotteCollinsislost Thu 07-Feb-13 23:03:36

Not all men are, OP, but this specimen is a particularly vile one...

MySonIsMyWorld Thu 07-Feb-13 23:04:10

I know some people would say i would be using ds as a weapon but not letting dp see him but i really dont think dp would try that hard to see him anyway - the last times he has gone he never even asked about him!!! Dp never looks after ds - never, and when i have left dp with ds in the past ive always come back to chaos and hyperactive little boy who has been stuck in front of tv with crisps all day.....

MySonIsMyWorld Thu 07-Feb-13 23:04:39

i agree CharlotteCollinsislost.............i agree......

PootlePosyPerkin Thu 07-Feb-13 23:04:50

I don't know if CSA alters the amount of benefits you can claim, sorry. Still, I wouldn't let that put you off applying to the CSA - your DS is his DS too & he has to pay towards his life. Your ex-P sounds like a complete twat, hope you & your son are OK.

aPseudonymToFoolHim Thu 07-Feb-13 23:05:17

No, csa does not affect benefits.
Stay strong and keep this loser out of your house, no good will come of it.

MySonIsMyWorld Thu 07-Feb-13 23:08:17

In the 3 years we have been together no good has ever come of it but i think having a baby then all the emotional of him walking ground me down but now its time to get my back bone back
Thank you all for your kind messages your so lovley x

CharlotteCollinsislost Thu 07-Feb-13 23:13:12

Just don't let him appeal to your kind nature to weasel his way back in.

Getting wet in the rain? - Plenty of shops/pubs/bus shelters/trees around.

Promising change? - That's lovely and you hope it means he's happier with his next partner...

cjel Thu 07-Feb-13 23:17:56

Hope you can learn to be a happy mum. you sound strong hope you keep it up. Hugsxx

Damash12 Fri 08-Feb-13 02:40:00

I really hope you don't ever get back with this cruel, horrible man. Your son doesn't ever need to hear or see the things you have listed on here. Personally, I would only allow access through a supervised contact centre. Don't ever feel sorry for him again, it will never change. Your son needs you happy, healthy and well for his sake and he'll always love you more for putting him first in years to come.

MySonIsMyWorld Sun 10-Feb-13 13:00:12

thanks for all your messages your all so kind..... not had him back or seen him, he knocked on door yesterday and when i said yeah he just said it doesnt matter and walked off....fuck him

springyhopes Sun 10-Feb-13 15:13:27

What a pathetic excuse for a human being. Dump him forthwith - never speak to him or have anything to do with him. Nothing is worth having someone like this in your life - or, more importantly, your son's life. Plenty of women have managed on their own (me included) and you will manage. There will be adjustments but you will get there.

re CSA - if he is paying he may start using your boy to give you the runaround. I know this isn't very popular, but having been given the run around by my children's father, I wish I could wind the clock back and cut all contact for good, including financial. It would have been hard but nothing like as hard as the years of hell we had because of him.

If you insist on going the CSA route you will be linked to him for good and he starts using contact with your son to make things difficult for you, beg him to see his son (ie ask him for the opposite of what you want). That way you can be sure he will defy you and you will get what you want - him out of your lives. It's a risky strategy but you might bear it in mind.

I'm not sure why SS signed you off - what was that about?

CharlotteCollinsislost Sun 10-Feb-13 21:03:27

Haha! Glad you're still sounding so strong - well done you!

MySonIsMyWorld Sun 10-Feb-13 21:50:57

If i had it my way, id never see him again and that would be it, i dont want any help from him at all i rather struggle on my own really.... i carnt believe he hasnt even been here to see his son or ask if he ok (ds is poorly at the moment) what a bastard....what a twat ughhh im angry!

yaimee Sun 10-Feb-13 22:01:07

Well done, you're really brave to have got out now! Stay strong and keep your chin up love!

MySonIsMyWorld Sun 10-Feb-13 22:02:50

thank you all xxx

frustratedashell Sun 10-Feb-13 22:08:19

well done OP. Must have been hard. Channel your anger into sorting out a new life, you deserve so much better. So does your son.

MySonIsMyWorld Tue 12-Feb-13 22:23:51

Ex dp is back on facebook i found him and saw that he has added one of his ex's from way back then i blocked him well fuck him the bastard. still not heard from him, he really doesnt give a shit...

CharlotteCollinsislost Tue 12-Feb-13 22:35:18

Teehee! How predictable - poor diddums gonna see if he can crawl back to a previous gf! Well done for blocking him - sure life is much better for you already!

BluelightsAndSirens Tue 12-Feb-13 22:39:32

Please step away from FB, it's not healthy for you to search him etc.

You sound like a very caring mum and if you concentrate all your energy into your relationship with your son you will both be much happier for it.

MySonIsMyWorld Thu 14-Feb-13 23:03:05

I'm keeping him blocked, i hate facebook really but ive gotten into a game on there so want to keep playing when the lonleyness creeps in...

I feel so sad, im scared that i will not be able to afford to live, im scared that i will just about get over him and then il find out he has moved on and it will break me, im upset that after 3 years and alot of shit he can just go and not even try and come and see ds - and most of all im angry at myself for letting him walk in and out of our life like he has so many times.

I'm only bloody 20 for crying out loud!

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Thu 14-Feb-13 23:53:00

To be 20 and single is FABULOUS!

CharlotteCollinsislost Fri 15-Feb-13 21:29:37

Sorry to hear you sounding sad, OP, although rest assured: after all that's happened, it's quite understandable.

How do you feel about counselling? If you were to explain your situation to your GP, he/she may be able to set you up with an NHS counsellor. It might be useful to have someone to talk it all through with, and to think through how you got into the relationship (were there red flags, looking back?) and how you can avoid another one like it.

Take care.

MySonIsMyWorld Fri 15-Feb-13 21:36:34

That may be a good idea thank you!

CarlingBlackMabel Fri 15-Feb-13 21:46:16

Well done for getting him out, MySonIMW. Goodness, 20 is way too young to get lumbered with an abusive, violent foul-mouthed useless git of a DP! You have your whole life ahead of you!

Have you got any RL support? Sister, mother. good friend? Get them on your side and start loooking forward to life with you, your son and your own lives. You will be OK financially, one way and another. Get yourself sorted out financially, go to the CAB and find out exactly what you are entitled to and start applying. Make sure you get him taken off your council tax.

If he wants to see your DS, well, in the long rin it may be that DS would like to know that his dad did want contact. Don't block that. But if he doesn't want contact, you can just let your DS know that he is loved by you. But don't be responsible for taking away the chance for your little boy to know his Dad.

Budget carefully, stand on your own two feet and make a strong life for you and your child! One day, but don't start looking until you know your own strength and your own self-sufficiency, a good man will come into your life. On your terms.

But give yourself that strength of knowing that YOU can look after your little family and you don't need to compromise and accept bad behaviour just to stay afloat.

Good luck!

MySonIsMyWorld Sat 16-Feb-13 20:17:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Walkacrossthesand Sat 16-Feb-13 23:12:34

Hi MSIMW, I'm sure you didn't mean to reveal DS name in last post so I've reported it - MNHQ will probably delete it to protect your anonymity. Stay strong BTW, and remember that any relationship between (ex) DP and DS is from now on something which is maintained in the context of you two not being a couple - I wouldn't put it past him to turn up again @ some point & try to charm his way back in with you.

BluelightsAndSirens Sat 16-Feb-13 23:18:27

You are dong really well and such a good idea from walk.

Concentrate on your happiness and strength to help your relationship with your son and try not to think about him, his non contact speaks volumes.

MySonIsMyWorld Tue 19-Feb-13 00:26:20

Thanks walkacross i didnt mean to your right so thanks for that!!

Thanks for your lovley messages, having a wobbly day today, everything is going wrong for me recently pc broke cost a fortune, dog hurt himself cost a fortune, car broke cost a fortune, lost my purse etc etc and dp hasnt given me any money, nor do i know where he is..... alli know is that he was seen out on friday night with some girls and that he is back on facebook talking to one of his ex's sad feeling sad.

CharlotteCollinsislost Tue 19-Feb-13 19:44:00

Hope you've had a good day today. Things won't always be like this; sounds like you've had one thing after another lately. Have a brew and a biscuit.

TheBakeryQueen Wed 20-Feb-13 10:23:35

As hard as it is, try not to think about him. Focus on you & ds. You are so young, you have your whole life ahead of you. Your ex is not worth anymore of your energy. He has proven to you repeatedly that he is violent and selfish. He's not a good dad & he doesn't love you.

Let him move on, good riddance I'd say, and I'd pity the poor woman he moves on to next. He will never maintain a happy relationship anyway, just hold on to the fact that you & ds are so much better off without him in your lives.

Regarding CSA, I'd definitely contact them & set up a case.

Regarding access, never link this with money for your child. See it as 2 separate issues. Don't try & block contact unless you genuinely think he is a danger to your child. However, I'd strongly recommend using a solicitor to deal with him as he's so volatile. If it turns out he doesn't want to see your ds then that might be a good thing. But don't be the one to stop access as that isn't putting your ds first.

It's hard being a lone parent, but it's better to be alone than in bad companygrin

I'd think of ways to take your mind off your ex. Read, watch a good film, play with ds, plan a holiday etc etc.

Accept all offers of help from friends/family.

You will be fine, it'll just take time. Don't have him back whatever you do. Enjoy your 20's instead of wasting it on twats like I did!

Don't worry about what your ex is doing - he is now firmly "somebody else's problem". You need to get yourself strong, so that when the time is right, you can get out there and find someone who treats you with respect and love. Yes, there will be times when life is hard, but even during those hard times, at least you won't be in fear of violence towards yourself or your son.

Stay strong, get all the help you can in RL, and focus on that beautiful future that is waiting for you.

cjel Wed 20-Feb-13 11:03:54

Made me smile when you said you had wobbly day. I use that word as an encouragement to remind me that it is not a permenant state, It is just a small wobble so there is plenty of scope for all the other days to be not wobbly. Hope today is firmer and not so wobbly!! You are doing amazing. have you tried to journal? Helps me to look back and see how the wobbly days are getting fewer and not so deep?

MySonIsMyWorld Wed 20-Feb-13 22:40:49

Going to try a journal what a good idea....thank you everyone...
Just found out HE is back at his mothers....no seen him, not heard from him and now its been 2 weeks, had a cry before when i found out he back at his mums (knowing they will be sat there slagging me off) part of me wants him to want to come home part of me just wants it all to stop hurting so much

cjel Wed 20-Feb-13 22:48:43

Am 18months ahead of you and it does hurt loads less, I have friends I didn't have before, control over my home, my money my life. Still have some tears but we were together 35 years, I wouldn't go back though.I realised that I didn't mind them slagging me off cos they weren't my judge and anyway am worth more than people who slag people off.

MySonIsMyWorld Wed 20-Feb-13 22:53:36

35 years is so much diff than 3 i hope it gets easier quickly!

i carnt believe how much it hurts though!

izzyizin Wed 20-Feb-13 22:54:05

If he comes back, it'll start all over again and you'll be stuck in the vicious circle of needlessly being hurt by a tosser who doesn't give a toss about you.

If you allow this situation to continue, your ds, who you profess is your 'world', will be adversely affected by the drama his dps continually create regardless of whether they're together or not

You need a plan to stop the rot, honey. Are you working and do you have ambitions to build a career that will enable you to give your ds the best possible start in life?

cjel Thu 21-Feb-13 10:59:08

Yes it is different!! Pain is pain though and It was quite quick for me that the awful pain went. It is worth going through and then hopefully you won't ever have to feel it again, you can learn never to get in this situation again. You are doing amazing. Stay strong.

MySonIsMyWorld Thu 21-Feb-13 20:25:29

I dont work at the moment, dp worked i stayed at home. Im currently at night classes doing hair cutting to carry on my career as a hairdresser so thats what im aiming for. I know your right about it being a vicious circle, i think i wanted him to want to come home so i could be the one in control...

Still very annoyed he back at his mothers, after everything she has done and everything he said about her he back there.... i just need to remember why i threw him out in the first place and keep reminding myself.

I dont like the fact he knows where i am and i dont have a clue what he doing/where he is....im scared to go town incase i bump into him and go wobbly!!

Still no contact off him by the way...... ds is running riot still.... thank you for being here for me everyone... your great

cjel Thu 21-Feb-13 20:50:40

here as long as you want. Found focusing on me was helpful, biggest wobbles I have are thinking about what hes doing. could do with a good hairdresser btw!!

MySonIsMyWorld Thu 21-Feb-13 23:37:27

Yeah thats my biggest wobble!! Who he with where he is what he doing...blah blah
He actually just stole a pic from my face book of our son and put it on his profile....bastard..... made sure everything private now i hate face book but im addicted to the games hahahaaa

I could travel haha x

I know its very late to be adding to this thread, but Good God, the "man" in question could almost be my XP!! The violence, disgusting language, dissapearing for days drinking etc. To Hell with him!! You will be much better off without him, what a tool.

I wish you well x

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