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Moved in with one another and what a nightmare it has become

(48 Posts)
Chrohn Thu 07-Feb-13 15:11:32

Boyfriend and I were together about 16 months before I moved in with him and his son. We all get on great for the most part but some of his habits are literally driving me insane. There is just shit everywhere, clothes, books, plates, I even found a fork shoved down the back of the settee last night. When I come in from work my Ipad is just chucked on the floor (and now has a crack on it), my laptop has been broken (he has replaced it but that's not the point, hugely inconvenient whilst I was without a laptop) he insists on the whole house being in pitch black darkness so i have to use my phone as a torch when walking around at night to ensure I don't fall over anything. He does really stupid stuff like yesterday I came home from work and he'd put every item of clothing I would normally wear on an evening in the wash so it was all wet through.
I just feel like the whole thing has been a huge mistake but don't feel it serious enough to finish with him over iyswim but it's driving me nuts.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 07-Feb-13 15:13:47

It may not be serious enough to end the relationship but I think you have to draw a line in the sand and tell him his bizarre behaviour has to stop or you'll be moving right back out again. What's the thing with the total darkness all about??? hmm

Cailinsalach Thu 07-Feb-13 15:56:09

Oh you really need to talk.

Really talk.

Try to do it in a non confrontational way. (If I was you I think it would end up in a shouty, foot stomping, head banging, screamy, high noon style showdown. I am deeply flawed by the way)

BeCool Thu 07-Feb-13 15:57:24

Any indication they lived like this before you moved in? It all sounds quite odd!

Adversecamber Thu 07-Feb-13 16:02:35

Have a chat, communication will hopefully sort this out. I always say you can love someone but doesn't mean you can live with them.

I also like lights off and prefer to sit in darkness, DH and I compromise , he has a lamp over the other side of the room. Lights do go on when walking about though but I put the lights off in the hallways.

jalopy Thu 07-Feb-13 16:03:45

Surely you would have seen what state his house was in or noticed his general lifestyle over 16 months? It cant have come totally out of the blue.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Thu 07-Feb-13 16:08:18

he insists on the whole house being in pitch black darkness so i have to use my phone as a torch

I wonder why you didn't just turn the lights on anyway? Why does his word rule?

This is definitely something a conversation could sort out. Or several conversations as and when necessary.

The dark thing, for example. You could explain that you like to have the lights on (and maybe report back with his explanation for why it's better to fumble about in the dark using your phone as a makeshift torch). In the unlikely event that there is a sensible reason, perhaps invest in a head torch and wander around like a miner! grin

Was he trying to be helpful with the washing thing? He might not have realised he'd left you with nothing to wear. In which case, a quick conversation about how to tell if something is for washing or not would clear everything up.

Where was the iPad and how did it end up on the floor? And how did the laptop get broken?

Miggsie Thu 07-Feb-13 16:11:34

Does he think this is normal?
What is his parent's house like?

You will need to explain these things are not acceptable - if he doesn't see a problem then any long term future is likely to be very grim.

BeCool Thu 07-Feb-13 16:30:00

I agree - can't you just flick a switch and let there be light?

sooperdooper Thu 07-Feb-13 16:34:02

Didn't you notice they lived in a tip before you moved in?

izzyizin Thu 07-Feb-13 16:54:19

All lights have to be out and stay out at night? Wft is that about? And why why tf are you tolerating it?

If he doesn't stop playing silly buggers pronto you're best advised to move out unless, of course, you're happy to save on electricity to hide the fact you're living in a tip of his/his ds's making.

What do you get from this relationship now?.

Why are you tolerating any of this now?. You've already had some of your possessions already trashed at his hands. Where's your own tipping point here?.

None of what you describe in this house is normal behaviour at all, you have to walk around in pitch blackness because he seemingly has refused to turn the lights on?. How does he get about, does he use echo location?!.

justmuddlingalong Thu 07-Feb-13 17:24:44

I find the good, old fashioned "simmer for a while, then explode" works wonders grin

Get your own place, and tell him the real reasons for doing so... Then when you're ready to live together again, he can come and live with you in your space... cos I think he still sees the place as 'his' and not the both of yours!!

kalidanger Thu 07-Feb-13 17:35:33

If he's a miser frugal remind him that the washing machine uses faaaar more electricity than the lights do hmm

kalidanger Thu 07-Feb-13 17:37:47

When you have your sit down convo with him be sure that it doesn't end up with your clearing up after them! 'Families share and do housework together' is the line.

LemonDrizzled Thu 07-Feb-13 17:38:54

Chrohn you must have had an inkling of what it would be like while you were visiting. I have a lovely DP and have been seeing him 16 months too, and I know he would love me to move in with him and his son. But he lives in a messy house and has weird habits (justified as green/eco-friendly) like only flushing the toilet occasionally with rain water. I can manage about 2 days before I run home screaming! I have concluded that unless things change I will be keeping my own establishment! Are you financially independent? It is so nice to have your own space just how you like it!

kalidanger Thu 07-Feb-13 17:39:12

Attila has diagnosed him as a bat. They live in their own crap too hmm

Lueji Thu 07-Feb-13 19:26:08

And you move out again...

Simples

AnyFucker Thu 07-Feb-13 19:28:10

Could this be Boxy ?

OneMoreGo Thu 07-Feb-13 19:53:16

Mmm, I was wondering that AF because of the lack or responses. Might report to MN (again) just incase.

MummysPuppet Thu 07-Feb-13 20:00:49

Is it not normal to find forks down the back of the sofa then?

<slinks away in shame and hides>

Maryz Thu 07-Feb-13 20:02:57

Oh dear.

It sounds a bit like our house.

ShipwreckedAndComatose Thu 07-Feb-13 20:04:17

Boxy...isn't that going back a bit?? Seem to vaguely remember that one

Maryz Thu 07-Feb-13 20:06:35

It's a never-ending saga Shipwrecked.

I'm assuming that one day the kids will leave home and it will stop grin

expatinscotland Thu 07-Feb-13 20:09:58

Um, move out?

Bunbaker Thu 07-Feb-13 20:10:06

Surely you must have known how he lived before you moved in?

I couldn't live like that. I don't see why you can't just move out, but keep on seeing him if you want to.

Is he a vampire?

You'd've thought the OP would want to come back and tell us more about how she found the fork scrabbling around in the dark with her phone. Tbh, there are far worse things you could find down the back of the sofa. (A prize* for the best suggestion)

*not really.

ShipwreckedAndComatose Thu 07-Feb-13 20:15:56

Ok, clearly I have missed some episodes in the saga grin

AnyFucker Thu 07-Feb-13 20:16:51

nah, ship....consider every episode exactly the same as the one before ....

OneMoreGo Thu 07-Feb-13 20:17:38

The annual subscription to Morris Dancers Monthly that he has enthusiastically purchased for you in the hope you will take it up as a new hobby.

A entire uneaten cake in packaging, with just enough mould growing on it that it's not really edible anymore.

Umm...

Maryz Thu 07-Feb-13 20:22:10

A small child.

An empty box.

Some hairy gloves.

AnyFucker Thu 07-Feb-13 20:23:19

My virginity

My husband's vas deferens

izzyizin Thu 07-Feb-13 20:30:51

Ooh, is it one of those guess what's on the tray under the cloth games but with a sofa substituting for the tray?

A rampant rabbit?

His tarzan outfit down the back of the sofa?

ShipwreckedAndComatose Thu 07-Feb-13 20:53:05

A middle finger?

The Taj Mahal?

The Taj Mahal would probably be a bit uncomfortable to sit on.

izzyizin Thu 07-Feb-13 21:09:54

Not if it was a takeaway from a restaurant of the same name which may account for the fork, AU.

izzyizin Thu 07-Feb-13 21:13:03

2 poppadums broken

Large glob of lime pickle

A foil container of rancid raita

ShipwreckedAndComatose Thu 07-Feb-13 21:20:41

And a steamy hot flannel

izzyizin Thu 07-Feb-13 23:19:09

Does your local takeaway send steamy hot flannels with their meals, Shipwrecked?

I prefer the free Buds mine whack in with my orders they know me so well smile

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Thu 07-Feb-13 23:25:44

only flushing the toilet occasionally with rain water

Next time there's a thread listing red flags can someone remember to add this please.

izzyizin Thu 07-Feb-13 23:51:36

Is there a toilet down the back of the sofa? And is that a water butt thinly disguised as a cushion? hmm

What happens where the toilet is situated in the Sahara a particularly arid clime, tired?

I'm starting to to think these threads are started by MNHQ for their own entertainment. They do seem to bring out the comedy side of otherwise wise and empathetic posters...

izzyizin Fri 08-Feb-13 09:59:00

Wise and emathetic posters, tall?

Like the one I've got on my wall which says 'Shit Happens' down the back of sofas? hmm

grin

AnyFucker Fri 08-Feb-13 10:26:48

grin

ShipwreckedAndComatose Fri 08-Feb-13 17:12:19

Iadmit, I don't eat take away...I'm posh and sit in the resturaunt!! Where they do give me a hot steamy flannel!!

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