Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

What's the consensus on cyber sex/flirting ?

(31 Posts)
Mosman Tue 05-Feb-13 14:52:18

Apparently some woman has just made my DH's Tuesday by getting back in touch, he will email her back in 40 mins ie when he thinks I will be in bed (in Australia).
But he'd better keep it clean this time, she remembers what he's like l o fucking l
I can see the emails, he's deleting them but not quick enough.

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 05-Feb-13 15:26:32

Why are you putting up with this behaviour? It is a form of cheating and very disrespectful.

onebridenobump Tue 05-Feb-13 15:26:50

Wow,

No advice really but didn't want to read and run, perhaps he knew her before you?

Any response to that mail other than "It will be clean, I'm happily married now not single like before" would not be acceptable for me.

You said there were other emails too?

This must be shit for you, I'm sorry (hug)

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 05-Feb-13 15:49:31

If you can see the e-mails, what's stopping you tapping him on the shoulder and telling him you know what he's up to?

Mosman Tue 05-Feb-13 15:55:17

I just have. Sent her a message telling her fuck off which he saw.
Apparently it's banter. Yeah right. Last time he did this I was pregnant and that really hurt.
Yesterday the puppy died my kids are in hits as am I and he's getting his rocks off with somebody he worked with 10 years ago.
I'm fuming.

Mosman Tue 05-Feb-13 15:56:00

Not hits BITS obviously

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 05-Feb-13 15:59:42

Erm...shouldn't it be HIM who is telling her to back off? HE is the one who should be taking responsibility...

You telling her to fuck off makes you look like the paranoid bitter wife.

(sorry about the puppy sad)

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 05-Feb-13 17:05:23

So when's he leaving?

Mosman Tue 05-Feb-13 23:19:47

Well no response over night from my impression of a fishwife.
I confronted him, he denied everything, said they got on well there was banter. He deleted the emails because he knew how i'd react after last time.
Which is true however these emails were along the lines of him discovering the love of his life again, "beaming from ear to ear" as she'd contacted him, made his Tuesday. I don't think i've ever made his Tuesday :-(

There's 4 children to think about so I can't do anything rash but I can't imagine ever feeling the same about him again, nor him me I called him all the names under the sun last night.

YellowTulips Tue 05-Feb-13 23:27:18

So he deleted the emails because he knew you would be upset after "last time"..hmmm

Surely the correct response was not to overstep the mark AGAIN in the first place?

Classic transference of responsibility here. hmm

MechanicalTheatre Tue 05-Feb-13 23:29:45

He sounds like a creep.

fiventhree Tue 05-Feb-13 23:35:47

He will minimise as much as he can get away with.

It isn't on, and you don't think it's on. Meanwhile , he isn't repentant so he will do it again.

I am not an LTB person but surely you have to? I didn't chuck my h out when he did this, but at least he didn't justify it

He sounds like he's looking for an excuse to leave the marriage. Do you really want to keep him, if keeping him is going to mean constant suspicion and policing? Bear in mind that if you throw him out he will still have to pay towards the DCs upbringing.

Mosman Tue 05-Feb-13 23:50:03

I'm on shaky ground right now, we are applying for residency to stay permanently in Australia, bearing in mind we came because he couldn't find a job in the UK i've left behind a £40,000 job to come out here and been let go twice in 6 months for various reasons, probably because i had to much to do.
I've uprooted 4 children from friends, schools etc.
I think i'd rather run him over than leave him if I'm honest - won't obviously.

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 06-Feb-13 07:32:44

Having read threads from MNetters in Oz, you need to get legal advice because you may not be allowed to take DC back to the UK.

Why do you want to stay with this poor excuse of a man? what do you think by staying you are teaching the DC about relationships? they will hate growing up a tense unhappy home.

If I were you, I would go back to the UK if I can as you will need to be with your friends and family.

Mosman Thu 07-Feb-13 09:02:03

So he apologised, cried and seems pretty sorry - maybe for himself who knows what goes on in their heads in these situations.
OW hasn't replied so that's something.
Basically I can't go anywhere without his say so and take the children, he's very happy in Australia so that's me shafted for the next 15 years.
Marvellous.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 07-Feb-13 09:38:47

Crap sad

I hate it when cheaters get caught and their reaction is to cry - pathetic! It shows it how its still all about them and not the pain and devastation they have caused.

You do not have to live with him or do anything for him - let him do his own washing, cooking etc. I would start getting legal advice about how to go about separating.

Mosman Thu 07-Feb-13 09:55:33

We can barely afford to live on two salaries combined, no state help and I'm not entirely sure whether I can actually stay on his visa if we aren't together. I could be out of the country and my kids 12,000 miles away which obviously isn't happening. Will have to be a bit smarter about this one.

Mosman Mon 11-Feb-13 04:32:18

After a reasonable weekend doing family stuff, I've come onto the laptop this morning and discovered he has at least 2 secrete email accounts, we both know each others and passwords.
One was set up around July last year when everything fine as far as i know and the other which recovers the password to the first i don't recognise at all.
I can't live like this can I ? If it's all harmless why the secrecy ?

Honeysucklerose Mon 11-Feb-13 06:25:35

That decision is only yours honey , afraid he is a cheater and messing around on the internet just confirms your worst fears , do you really want to continue living like this in a strange country would you not rather have family and friends around you to support you and your kids?, take time to think what your priorities are no-one should have to put up with this crap from anyone , well you would not treat a friend let alone a husband like this would you?, good luck big hug to you .

FlatCapAndAWhippet Mon 11-Feb-13 06:31:52

sad

Its not harmless is it, you know that. In fact the fall out is incredibly harming.

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 11-Feb-13 07:46:38

sad what do you want to do now?

Mosman Mon 11-Feb-13 12:00:59

it's not harmless is it, you know that. In fact the fall out is incredibly harming.

Of course the truth after hours of lying and trying to blame me is that he's fucked her. Just the once.
I want to crawl under a rock and never come out.

GothJuice Mon 11-Feb-13 12:51:52

I'm really sorry this has happened to you, you must be reeling from the shock .
I don't have any great words of wisdom unfortunately, do you have any friends or family you can speak to?

Mosman Mon 11-Feb-13 13:00:35

Yes luckily I have more friends i've made in the last 6 months in australia than i had at home, my family are shit, his family will take his side so better we don't even bother telling them.

I've sent the OW a photo of our kids, i'm being a bit psycho is that normal ?
Does the fact that it hurts so much mean i love him, i don't know ?

But what I do know is that this happened in 2007 and i've KNOWN all that time, anyone reading this who has any nagging feelings you're right don't be fobbed off because I have been and I was right. Not that that feels good but at least i'm not the insecure loon I wondered if I might be at times.

AnyFucker Mon 11-Feb-13 13:06:40

I am very sorry, Mosman

Please stop contacting the OW, no good will come of it

Tell your husband to leave.

GothJuice Mon 11-Feb-13 13:06:54

So he slept with her in 2007 and now she has got back in touch again?
Which country is the OW in?

Technoviking Mon 11-Feb-13 13:08:12

You need to stop focussing on the OW and focus on DH. He's the one egging her on and he's the one you need to deal with. Also, ram it home just how fucked you and the kids are now that he's uprooted you all and then slammed it all in your faces.

Mosman Mon 11-Feb-13 14:35:10

OW is in Brighton UK, he has been online flirting with her back in 2007, she knows about me and the children, if they met somewhere at best half way between them then he has travelled 200 miles - all that way having time to reconsider his actions, he then went to a hotel room and fucked her, presumedly buying condoms along the way.
So fast forward to 2008, I asked repeatedly if this had happened, he was distanced, not kind to me and staying up late online when I was asleep, he denied it.
He sent her an email in 2009 which she replied to last Tuesday and my world fell apart - i knew again he was lying, can't put my finger on it but I just knew.

I know it's him that deserves both barrels but the children would see so i've put off punching him in the gob for now and am tempted to email a photo of my children to all her friends on facebook because if she can feel a tiny bit of the humiliation and anger I do right now then i want her too.

JakeBullet Mon 11-Feb-13 14:41:53

sad Mosman, I am so sorry to read this. Stay strong. ..it's great that you have good friends out there.

What happens if you need to separate from him? Are you entitled to ANY help out there?

Mosman Mon 11-Feb-13 14:44:16

Not until his PR comes through, so 4 months away at least, I don't even have my airfare home, not that i'd run home - what to - we've moved, it's done whatever happens next happens in Australia.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now