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I've just found out my husband has had an affair

(79 Posts)
kimberly111 Tue 05-Feb-13 03:14:02

I found out today (through a letter in the post) that my husband had an affair last year. To cut a very long story very short, he firstly admitted to one sexual encounter with her, which so far through the evening and mounted up to three. He says he stopped seeing here last october, and he wants to make our marriage work, but I don't know what to think

So sorry that you are going through this. You will get lots of help and support on here. I think he needs to be totally honest and upfront now if he really wants to save the marriage.

Are you still talking?

izzyizin Tue 05-Feb-13 03:30:49

Of course you don't know what to think; all you know at the present time is that your h has committed adultery, has lied through his teeth both during and after his affair (if it has, in fact, ended), and is most probably continuing to lie to you about the full extent of his duplicity.

Was the letter addressed to you? Has it come from the ow or an anonymous source?

Damash12 Tue 05-Feb-13 03:39:01

Ahh poor you, this is tough, did you suspect anything then? Is the marriage otherwise good?? One thing is for certain,some little shit is now sitting back waiting for your reaction to this letter. Don't give them too much satisfaction too soon unless you think they have truly done bit with your best interests at heart rather than a way to force your hand if they are a dumped ow with a grudge to bear. Either way he needs to man up and open up and give you the honesty you fully deserve.

kimberly111 Tue 05-Feb-13 03:51:55

It seems that her husband found out about it last octboer time, so the affair stopped. He says he wants to make our marriage work? We have had issues recently - in fact last summer, I braved up and told him I thought there was something wrong in our relationship, we weren't as close anymore etc, but he denied it. At Xmas it flared up again, and he admitted that he wasn't happy but wanted to try. On both occasions i asked him if there was someone else and he said no. When he told me at Xmas that he wasn't happy, and though he was "very fond" of me, didn't know if he loved me, I was devastated. I also recognised that because of how I've been feeling in our relationship, I'd probably withdrawn some affection from him. I told him at this time, that to be honest I'd got to a place where i thought however I behaved toward him didn't bother him anymore, and that I was SO sorry for that and would work SO ard to show him that I love him. And that's what I've been doing, until today.

kimberly111 Tue 05-Feb-13 03:57:28

at 1am this morning he said that he had to sleep, and asked me to come with him. We talked a bit more, but then he went to sleep, and now I'm sitting here not understanding how he can do that knowing the pain that I'm in.

I would not be happy with that either. Do you really think the affair ended in October?

kimberly111 Tue 05-Feb-13 04:02:00

I just don't know. I don't know what to think, what to do...

cincodemayo Tue 05-Feb-13 04:12:57

What a terrible shock to find out in such a nasty way.

From what you've said, it seems obvious that the affair didn't end last October and was still going on at Christmas, going by what he said to you about not being happy.

The issues you were experiencing were almost definitely because of his affair and nothing else. At some point you will feel very angry that he lied when you tried to sort things out and made you feel as though it was your effort that was lacking. The way you were feeling was merely a response behaviour to his distance, I would have thought.

The norm I'm afraid is to lie and minimise in the early hours and days. This is why it went from 1 to 3. The truth is probably something very different.

The going to sleep thing is manipulative. It's to get a break from the questions so that he can think before incriminating himself further.

My suggestion is to ask him to leave while you get your head around it all.

The main thing is none of this is your fault so what ever excuses he comes up with, this was his decision and one you had no part in.

If it was me, I would be asking him to leave so that I could decide what to do. I would also be making it very clear that if he really does want to make the marriage work - he has to be completely open and honest about everything. Any subsequent lies and revelations would make any prospect of rebuilding the trust impossible.

The fact that he is so distant and that someone has now decided to tip you off suggests to me that this affair is still ongoing.

cincodemayo Tue 05-Feb-13 04:20:44

By the way, if you want to get to the truth, check his phone now he's asleep, and his laptop if he has one. Check any phone bills too if he gets them. If you find information on there that doesn't back up what he's saying, don't tell him what you know. See if he volunteers that information when you speak tomorrow and if he lies to you again, tell him you know far more than he thinks and the relationship is over.

kimberly111 Tue 05-Feb-13 04:21:28

Ok, I know that this is going to sound utterly pathetic, but I really do think he loves me? The only reason that he admitted his feelings at Xmas was because I pushed him by getting upset and asking him outright if he really loved me. Right now, again, this sounds pathetic, I just can't face the though of him walking out of the door. He says he doesn't want to do that, but would understand If that's what I need.

kimberly111 Tue 05-Feb-13 04:24:20

No, I don't need to check anything, for reasons that I can't go into (I'm sorry, i know that sounds cryptic) the letter I received contained train tickets, documentation of emails and calls etc. So I think other than the sordid facts, I have all the others.

cincodemayo Tue 05-Feb-13 04:25:38

Yes he probably does love you. Men having affairs often still love their wives very much. It's got nothing to do with that. It's that the affair was in a different box quite separate to his feelings for you. All that talk about unhappiness and being only fond of you was the affair talking, not the real truth.

Can you access his things? You really need to because he isn't telling you the truth and you'll go mad trying to get it from him.

cincodemayo Tue 05-Feb-13 04:26:54

I think you need some way of finding out when this affair started and whether it's still going on. Who sent the letter? Her husband?

kimberly111 Tue 05-Feb-13 04:27:12

ok, having read that I need to clarify just a little more. The letter that came today was big, very official looking and had to be signed for. it was addressed to him, but for some reason, i had a huge sense of for boding (picture one of those guys that makes you sign for legal documents cos your house is being reposed) and therefore opened it. When I phoned him, i said "a letter came today and I think you know what's in it" and he said he did. when he came home, he said he knew he was going to have to tell me, but hadn't found the strength.

cincodemayo Tue 05-Feb-13 04:28:25

So it was her then?

kimberly111 Tue 05-Feb-13 04:29:14

no his work.

kimberly111 Tue 05-Feb-13 04:30:12

i don't know how much it's safe to post on here

cincodemayo Tue 05-Feb-13 04:31:09

You don't have to say, but why would his work be sending him this? Has he been disciplined for having an affair with a colleague?

How are you going to verify what he's telling you is the truth kim?

kimberly111 Tue 05-Feb-13 04:32:20

Is there a private thread chat din?

kimberly111 Tue 05-Feb-13 04:32:43

i mean Cin

cincodemayo Tue 05-Feb-13 04:34:29

I don't know, but you can click message poster by my name on my posts and send me a private message if you want.

lollystix Tue 05-Feb-13 04:34:30

One of his colleagues sent you this? Is the OW at all connected with his work?

Homebird8 Tue 05-Feb-13 04:35:09

If it was work, is it a disciplinary matter too?

kimberly111 Tue 05-Feb-13 04:36:38

Yes, the OW is connected with his work and yes he is facing disciplinary action. Which is why I feel scared posting all of this, but am in desperate need of some support.

cincodemayo Tue 05-Feb-13 04:39:08

Ok, well none of that's really important, except of course he's risked your livelihood as well as your marriage.

So Kim, what other information is available to you to find out more about the affair, other than from him?

kimberly111 Tue 05-Feb-13 04:40:48

There isn't any other way i don't think? And he has been more open than he's ever been with me before, though i recognise that he had no choice.

cincodemayo Tue 05-Feb-13 04:42:52

He's not telling the truth though Kim. It didn't end in October if he was saying those things at Christmas. You know it was going on in the summer before you raised your issues, don't you?

kimberly111 Tue 05-Feb-13 04:43:42

yes he's told me that

cincodemayo Tue 05-Feb-13 04:44:36

If you've only had copies of communications while at work, they will have used other ways to communicate which is why I suggested his personal phone/laptop.

kimberly111 Tue 05-Feb-13 04:46:29

I've checked his phone and there's nothing on it. i wouldn't know where to start with his laptop. His work have gone through his emails, and theres only 3. I'm fully aware that he may have another private email account, but would have no idea how to find it or if I did, get into it.

debtherat Tue 05-Feb-13 04:47:19

Never heard of a workplace doing this so formally. Maybe they were misusing company time/systems/expenses to conduct their affair? In any case he needs to act swiftly to deal with work. What a way for you to find out... poor you. I would check his phone and emails ASAP before he gets chance to delete/hide. Unbelievable that he is asleep! You need to prepare yourself for some sleepless nights and get your husband to talk... he owes you hugely - and explanations and not blame. Hope you can talk honestly and openly with each other.

Homebird8 Tue 05-Feb-13 04:48:02

Just sending you a steady hand hold Kimberly. I suspect there are a lot of questions you have that you can't answer. thanks

Homebird8 Tue 05-Feb-13 04:49:59

For it to matter this much to work, it has to be the wife of a bigwig there or, much more worryingly, does he work with people to whom he has a duty of care?

cincodemayo Tue 05-Feb-13 04:51:50

Check all the folders on the phone Kim. Google how to find e mail accounts on a device. It's quite simple but I can't remember how right now.
I've got to get on with something now Kim, but I'll pop back later to see how you're doing. Keep your fluids up, even if you can't eat. Get your husband to go out and buy some rescue remedy. You're in shock. If you're cold with it, have a long hot bath. My heart aches for you when you do sleep and wake up for the first time. I remember it well sad

kimberly111 Tue 05-Feb-13 04:54:53

homebird PLEASe don't ask - no, not a bigwig, but i'm already shit scared that i've started this thread. What i can say is that no one has been abused, this was a mutual thing between two consenting adults.

kimberly111 Tue 05-Feb-13 04:55:50

and the husband (who apparently is very controlling), has found out and is making him suffer everyway he can - hence reporting to work.

cincodemayo Tue 05-Feb-13 05:01:36

Just one last post from me for now. Don't pay too much heed to the stuff about the husband being controlling. That's what all damsels in distress who are having affairs always say about their husbands. It's more likely that she promised the affair was over when he found out, he's since found out that it's still going on and so he blew the whistle on them as a way to make it (and his pain) stop. Don't be too hard on him. He's been just as badly treated as you. He's entitled to hate your husband for what he's done to his life.

Homebird8 Tue 05-Feb-13 05:50:34

Deep breath Kimberly. Any idea what you want, now this moment, not in the future?

Do you want a few days to think? Do you want to accept an apology and pretend for a while that all is well? Do you want him to leave? Do you just wish your whole life wasn't so confused? Do you want to stand by your man?

If you can work out what you want to happen instantly then you can make a start on that and buy yourself some real time for the shock to wear off. None of those options stop another course of action later on.

I think people are right and there is much more to this than what he has admitted to. Are you the sort of person to take swift and decisive action, or is your choice to take your time and work through the options?

Can you manage to snatch a couple of hours rest even if you can't sleep? It sounds as if you're going to need all your strength whichever way this goes.

LovesBeingWokenEveryNight Tue 05-Feb-13 06:01:16

My thoughts? Of she ended it he could still have been saying those things at Xmas, he is likely to have been devastated.

So he knew it was being sent?

kimberly111 Tue 05-Feb-13 06:41:04

My heart is saying stay with him, believe that he is sorry, support him, whether or not he loses his job (and we lose our home). My head is saying don't be such a stupid cow, of COURSE he's telling me he's sorry, he may be about to lose his job.

ladymariner Tue 05-Feb-13 06:45:10

How awful for you, and what a terrible way to find out. He needs to be totally honest with you, bad enough he's betrayed you but to risk your home too.....sending you a hand to hold and I'm sure people will be along with really helpful advice xx

Abitwobblynow Tue 05-Feb-13 06:49:04

Kimberley, MN is a very safe place and you are with people who really do know what you are going through. Don't be afraid to talk to us.

My H also had an affair with a co-worker (he was her boss).

At the moment, he is living his own consequences.

Deep breaths, a moment at a time.

kimberly111 Tue 05-Feb-13 06:53:23

thanks everyone. I still can't truly believe this is happening. I tried explaining last night that I felt i was having to fight for every bit of info from him, and if he genuinely wanted to save our marriage he would just tell me everything I need to know, but I just have a gut feeling that he's not.

kalidanger Tue 05-Feb-13 07:06:25

I suppose he's in the difficult (self inflicted obviously) position of his work knowing 57% of the details only, so he feels that you only have to know 57% as well. The absolute bare minimum he can get away with. If you decide to support him you can demand the whole 100% so you have all the information and can make an informed decision. Otherwise he's just going to be a lying liar, lying to work, lying to you and being stuck with those lies for ever more. Probably at the cost of his livelihood AND his marriage. What a fucking idiot.

Homebird8 Tue 05-Feb-13 07:23:14

Is he awake yet? How is he behaving? Ready to talk? Honestly this time? If you don't have the truth I don't know how you can do what your heart tells you and back him. Tell him that. This has to be you two together, or he has to go.

Amouage Tue 05-Feb-13 07:25:58

Hi Kimberly, I am in a similar situation to you. My husband is an uncaring sleazebag who feels the need to abuse my trust in every way possible. I don't have as much hard proof as you do but I am too in a situation where I wonder how much is a lie and how much has actually happened. I am unsure how much I can trust him when he tells me something because it seems that he is still cobering up the majority of his 'friendships'.

He too had 'coffees' or whatever else with a local girl when living abroad, then tried to get her hired while I sat at home with a toddler and a young baby in a foreign country, thousands of miles from home without any help wondering how to cope as he was 'working' such long hours often travelling for business...

I am very sorry you have found out about this in such a shocking way. I think you just need to brace yourself for more news to emerge. Only by his reaction can you gauge how much he wants to make you and him work again.

The fact that he has gone to sleep while you are in bits does not bode well. To move on and work on the relationship he needs to be honest about what has happened and show remorse and willingness to work on himself.

I will follow your thread and hope you will get more help from other posters, just wanted to say I read your thread and that you are not alone.

Amouage Tue 05-Feb-13 07:27:35

My H also has to have every morsel of info extracted from him whichmeans he is still not telling me the whole story. I dread to think why...this has opened a can of worms.

Amouage Tue 05-Feb-13 07:30:01

My H also has to have every morsel of info extracted from him whichmeans he is still not telling me the whole story. I dread to think why...this has opened a can of worms.

Xales Tue 05-Feb-13 07:57:07

Seriously this man has been lying yo you, cheating on you, is going through a disciplinary at work.

Yet he is upstairs sleeping like a baby while your world is torn apart and shattered.

Does that seem remorseful or sorry to you?

Also remember when you are being told what a controlling bastard her H is all the things he would have said you are while they bonded in their desire to shag. Take it with a large punch of salt.

I expect there had been a lot more than the encounters you have been told about.

He will also have known about the disciplinary a few days. Wonder if he would have told you anything if you didn't open that letter?

Also if he is not made to leave the job will they still be working together?

Please go to an STI clinic and use all the support and help you can at this time.

kimberly111 Tue 05-Feb-13 09:08:55

ok. He's known about the disciplinary since beginning of december I think. He has already told me more than what work knows, according to the pages of 'evidence' i have in front of me. He got up at 8am, went in the shower, came into the kitchen, put his hand on my arm, kissed my head in a loving way (but not as if nothing terrible had happened) and said he had to go to work (not where she is). I asked him once more to not leave me not knowing the truth and he said I know everything. I asked him when he'd be home and he said the meeting he has to head is not an all day thing. I asked him how did i know he wasn't going to be in contact with her, and he said I didn't know that. and he understood what a terrible feeling that must be for me, but he wasn't going to contact her. And then he left for work.

Amouage Tue 05-Feb-13 09:46:44

What a way to leave you sitting there by yourself. That is just cruel. He is clearly avoiding any chance to sit down and open up, he probably hopes you will be satisfied with his answers and that time willwear you down.

HeyHoHereWeGo Tue 05-Feb-13 11:04:40

Poor you. The disciplinary action will become the common enemy for you both, and he will try to pull you in to a the 2 of you against them situation.
But forget about the work issus for a moment.
Clear your mind of the extra complication of work.
He will be MORE likely to lie as this will limit the work consequences for him - he'll be hoping to get off with a caution/ a sanction and avoid being fired.
So you cannot think he will willingly tell you all.
I've seen on a lot that his actions say he wants to be away from the marriage, and the best way to hilight that for him is to get him to move out and remove him from the comfort of married life, as well as your emotional support during the disciplinary procedure.
I dont know what you think of that?

MortifiedAdams Tue 05-Feb-13 11:11:44

He has told you about the affair because he had to
He has tried to satisfy you with "just once" and has bargained with you up to "three times"
He has avoided direct and frank discussion with you last.night by going to sleep
He has avoided direct and frank discussion today by saying he has a meeting
He has lied.numerous times to you over the past seven months about if there was anyone else
He has disregarded his.marriage and his career to sleep regularly with another woman - whilst I dont doubt that he loves you, he must have pretty strong feelings foe.her to do this

kimberly111 Tue 05-Feb-13 11:19:06

On a plus note (If I want to believe he REALLY doesn't want to give up on us and is telling the truth when he says he made a terrible mistake), he has told me stuff that he hasn't shared in the disciplinary, he talked solidly with me for 6/7 hours before saying he needed to sleep because of the meeting today (and I know about this meeting - it IS very important).
Last summer when I confronted him with a problem in our marriage, i gave him the option of leaving, and he categorically said no. He is still saying that at no point was his plan ever to leave me?

CartedOff Tue 05-Feb-13 11:30:51

He seems to be saying that as a defence, but I've never really seen it as a good one. He wanted to have his cake and eat it and wanted things to stay comfortable for him...but he'd risk it all for sex. I know it can mean "I love you and our family and would never give that up" but it can also mean "I didn't want to live in a grotty bedsit somewhere and pay maintenance and deal with the hard bits".

AnyFucker Tue 05-Feb-13 12:52:50

Many men who have affairs and blow their lives to smithereens never wanted to leave their wife. They wanted it all instead. Excitement with new women to pursue and shag, domestic little wifey and children at home. At the expense of the emotional well being of everyone around them.

The utter act of selfishness.

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 05-Feb-13 13:12:48

Oh crap sad

My DH was one of those selfish "eating his cake" cheaters.

Your ONLY chance of saving the marriage (if you want it) is to ask him to give you time and space for you to consider your future and process your feelings. Loss is the only thing that motivate cheaters - loss of his home, family and home comforts may lead him to fight to win you back.

I know that you will want things to stay the same but the reality is that he has caused this huge bombshell and nothing will ever be the same sad

If he fights for you and you want to take him back - he needs to be 100% honest and transparent, be willing to talk about the affair, answer questions and go to therapy/do some reading to address his issues and character failings.

cincodemayo Tue 05-Feb-13 13:15:59

I can believe he never wanted to leave you, but there could be many reasons for that. It could be because there was no alternative, or it could have been because he saw this affair as a separate thing entirely.

The more relevant question is whether he wanted the OW to leave her husband for him and whether she was offering to. If he did and she wouldn't, that means he was staying with you for practical reasons. Whereas if she was offering to leave and he was deterring her on the grounds that he would never leave you or the children to be with her, that lends more weight to his attachment to you.

This is a very selfish man though. Rather than sit down with you in December when he knew the game was up, he let this get to the point where you found out in horrible circumstances and while you were on your own, without any support nearby. He then put his own needs first again - for sleep and this meeting. If he'd been laid low by an incapacitating illness, he couldn't have gone to work. He chose to go this morning rather than face further questions and deal with your agony.

It's really important that you find some way of verifying or disproving what he's telling you. He needs to give you free access to his phone (including any spares), laptop and phone bills. If he's telling the truth about dates and times, these will back him up so there should be no reason for secrecy.

GoogleBun Wed 06-Feb-13 18:12:17

Why are work sending him on a very important meeting when he is currently undergoing a serious disciplinary? I'd have thought they would send someone else if his future with the company is uncertain?

ThePinkOcelot Wed 06-Feb-13 18:38:43

Hi Kim, so sorry you are going through this. Would you feel more comfortable on Off the Beaten Track? If so, you could ask for your thread to be moved there. xxx

ImperialBlether Wed 06-Feb-13 19:22:05

I wondered that too, Google. Surely they will be limiting what he does - I'm amazed he's not suspended, albeit on full pay, while they investigate.

Does he deal with money? I wondered whether they were worried that he and she were trying to defraud the company.

Let's face it, if everyone who had an affair at work had treatment like that, there would be a lot of jobs on offer. It seems very, very unusual.

AnyFucker Wed 06-Feb-13 20:30:41

any updates, OP ?

Hissy Wed 06-Feb-13 21:36:37

You poor thing Kimberley how awful for this to happen, and how. My heart goes out to you.

kimberly111 Thu 07-Feb-13 08:08:17

Well, he's still here. We have talked and talked, I think he is being totally honest with me now, and I can genuinely see his remorse and regret for the first time.
We have told the children - they are teenagers, and have to know as they may be about to lose their home. They are both doing fine - both want him to stay, both love him very much, though obviously feel betrayed too. They are safe, and staying with their dad for now, until I have more strength to support them, but god I'm missing them. My husband has been their step dad for over a decade, since they were very little, so he really is like a second father to them.
They know that they can come home whenever they are ready, but both feel at the moment, the sensible thing to do is give us space - they are both incredibly special kids, and I feel SO crappy for allowing this to happen in their lives.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 07-Feb-13 08:23:34

Please do not blame yourself.

He is the one who chucked this bombshell - not you.

He made the choice to cheat, to betray you and DC. I hope he will look into himself to find out what issues and flaws made him choose to behave in this way. Individual therapy is probably the best way of doing this.

I would recommend getting Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends for you both to read.

kimberly111 Thu 07-Feb-13 12:57:34

Thanks Mad. Yes, he has already started therapy, in the new year when he admitted he wasn't sure about wether he loved me, before this bombshell hit. He had a session yesterday, and he specifically brought up his lying and that he wants to understand why he does it so that it can stop.
The hardest thing for me at the moment, is that one minute I'm understanding of the terrible situation he's got himself, and us into, and feel compassion for what he is going through - then I suddenly switch to thinking about him with HER...telling her he loved her, telling her how special she was and it just makes my insides shrivel up, makes me sweaty, angry and so sad.

Dahlen Thu 07-Feb-13 13:03:08

Whether or not someone decides to forgive their partner's affair and work on rebuilding the marriage is down to the individual to decide. However, I would consider it a complete waste of time unless the response from the cheating partner is nothing less than complete and utter honesty, remorse and acceptance that it will take time to fix - not a few earnest conversations, vague agreements to be nicer to each other and 'it working both ways', and then life pretty much returning to normal. Lying or blaming in any form whatsoever means that the only remorse the cheater has is about being caught.

AThingInYourLife Thu 07-Feb-13 13:08:46

Why the compassion?

He is in a situation entirely of his own making.

He has treated you like a piece of shit and is only remorseful now that he has been caught.

You seem to agree with him that he is the real person in your marriage and that you exist merely to support his inflated view of himself and his own importance.

You only know that he had this girlfriend because he was so indiscreet that it is basically public knowledge.

Do you really think this was his first affair?

He sounds more like a philanderer to me.

"He had a session yesterday, and he specifically brought up his lying and that he wants to understand why he does it so that it can stop."


FFS what a fucking cop out!

How can you stand to listen to such self-indulgent crap?

He lies because he wants to, because it suits him!

He has taken no responsibility for what he's done if he's peddling shite like that at counselling and then parroting it back to you.

That means the remorse is fake too, BTW.

practicality Thu 07-Feb-13 15:10:21

He is hanging around because you are his only source of security right now.

Love isn't what somebody says - it's how they choose to treat you.

Are these loving actions? Do you feel loved by what he has done.? So quit simpering.

You need to grow a backbone. Stop putting up with his shit. Start getting angry about what he has done to you and switch the focus away from this entitled,self-serving,manipulative little creep.

Abitwobblynow Thu 07-Feb-13 15:38:28

Kimberley if he never wanted to leave you, read up on 'split self affair'.

Xales Thu 07-Feb-13 15:50:11

I'm afraid I think that telling your DC was wrong. What did you actually tell them? The nitty gritty or just that your H was in trouble at work and may lose his job? I don't think they needed to know any of this until the matter was resolved one way or the other.

However it is your choice, your children and your decision.

You seem extremely calm and to use your own words very understanding about this. Do you think you are in shock and functioning on auto pilot? It has only been two days. It is like you are remaining calm as you don't want to bother your H with your real feelings and emotions. Considering the way he went off to sleep and then sodded of to his meeting that was more important than the woman asking for help who he had dumped a massive bombshell on I wonder if you have to do this a lot in your relationship.

It is very early days. Make sure you take care of yourself first and foremost. Your H is an adult who made these decisions he is not as important as you right now.

adkinsfamily Thu 07-Feb-13 16:01:39

me and my husband have been through an affair and drug addiction.
I guess, the best I can say without going into 10 yrs of marriage and ups n downs, if you can't be without him and will wake up every morning missing him, and really think about it. because just because someone's married don't mean their in-love or can't live without each other. if you can'y breathe without him keep him sweety!
I can't live without my man, he is my breathe. we've been through affairs and addiction, trust me i know how you feel. if he's sorry, give him a try. and if you have to leave for a while to parents house or something, give a man time to think( the whole you dont know what you've got til it's gone perspective thought) let him come crying back and if he tells you in tears he can't live without you...keep him. it was a mistake your his girl!

Skyebluesapphire Thu 07-Feb-13 16:08:22

I agree that you need to think about what you want, its not all about what he wants. and he doesn't deserve your compassion as he didnt show any for you when he was having his affair.

My XH announced that he no longer loved me and that was after his head was full of OW. You need to be sure that it is over and you need to be sure about what you want for the future

Charbon Thu 07-Feb-13 16:21:55

Kimberley this is why it is good advice to get some separation and breathing space, because seeing the person you love in such turmoil messes with your head and stops you focusing on your own battles. You see, what you are seeing now is not genuine sorrow or contrition, although it might look like it. What you are actually seeing is self-pity and self-absorption.

Hard as it must be to see the wood for the trees at the moment, try to think logically. If this affair ended in October and he'd regretted it and the harm it had done, you would have seen that in his actions and in his words. If in December when he was informed that he was subject to a disciplinary, the enormity of his actions would have hit home then, especially if the affair was done and dusted. There would have been enormous guilt and regret for a) having the affair and b) jeopardising your home.

What did he do instead at that point in December?

He told you what was actually in his head. That his feelings for you had changed and he wasn't sure whether he loved you.

How somebody feels about their actions before they get found out is far more relevant to what they say they feel after.

Right now, he is sorry that work caught him out and he's sorry that you intercepted that letter before him. All his feelings now are for himself and the mess he's made of his life, not yours or the children's.

You didn't do anything to create this, so please stop feeling irrational guilt towards your children.

My advice is to get some space from him now and let the children come home.

Charbon Thu 07-Feb-13 17:34:21

Often a shocked partner feels that if their spouse leaves, they still might have questions that will remain unanswered. So a good way of meeting the need to get answers while not having to see the tears and experience the tangential nature of these conversations when face-to-face, is to communicate by E mail.

This will focus your mind and his and it will also be a helpful aide-memoire when the story changes later it inevitably does. You might feel you've got all the initial answers you need, but you really haven't. E mailing questions and answers doesn't have to be a one-off either, you can do this several times when a question pops into your head.

The responses can also form the basis of future face-to-face discussions, but right now I think you need to put your own needs first and get away from this pity party he's staging.

Hissy Thu 07-Feb-13 18:58:30

Yes I think the DC need to come home to you, and he needs to leave to give you all space to heal together.

Abitwobblynow Fri 08-Feb-13 16:15:36

"How somebody feels about their actions before they get found out is far more relevant to what they say they feel after.
Right now, he is sorry that work caught him out and he's sorry that you intercepted that letter before him. All his feelings now are for himself and the mess he's made of his life, not yours or the children's."

- oh boy, that is about the toughest thing I have read in a long time. Thank you Charbon.

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