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Getting back the passion after an affair...(106 Posts)
Last night my husband and I kissed for the first time since May. I have had (and admitted to) having an affair and we are both working on rebuilding our marriage.
He feels that sex is an important part of it yet I feel not ready for that yet and feel as tho that will be 'the icing on the cake' when I know things will work out. I'm not trying to withhold it etc I just don't feel the urge or want to do it for the sake of it. We have discussed this and he also says he only wants me to do it if I am ready and want to do it.
We want to work things out yet just don't know yet whether it will be ok or not. things have been rocky for 1-2 yrs.
So it started out quite nice and tender and I was waiting to feel some passion. I didn't
I just wanted to feel his passion for me, his wanting me as he keeps saying how much he loves me and wants me. I know an affair is all about the thrill and excitement but I hoped that after abstinence with OH for so long there may have been a bit?!
Is this an indication it will never be ok again or will it grow as our relationship betters?
The sex was a bit boring for a long long time and will need to be addressed if we stay together but I don't think now is the right time. I tried many times to spice things up a bit over the last few years and he was happy how it was....
I can't tell him yet that it wasn't great. But I want to feel a bit of passion! Aargh. Not sure what I want to hear from anyone but maybe just want to get it off my chest.
Thank you for reading x
You are the one who had the affair?
Have you fully accepted your role as the one who needs to heal the non-affair partner? And this means giving them the say in the rate of healing and when a sexual relationship resumes. The bottom line is that you rejected your DH for the affair, and you are continuing to reject him now. He has every reason to be ambivalent about you, and that's not a great place either to be in or to ignite passion from.
Are you truly committed to a reconciliation? It can take years for the non-affair partner to heal. It may be better for you to decide to leave, if feeling passion outweighs all else.
My first thought would be that as it was you that had the affair, surely it's more important that he feels that you are passionate about him?
His self-esteem has probably taken a huge body blow as a result of your cheating. If you are deadly serious about saving your marriage, then surely your priority should be making him feel secure again so that he feels able to express his love without fear of being made a fool of again?
Your post reads as though it's your husband who had the affair not you.
How may more ways can you think of to humiliate this man?
When did the affair end and did it end because you got found out?
A relationship without any passion would be a killer for me too. It's very obvious that you are facibg up to your mistakes and you want to be with this man and want to feel passion for him but I'm not aware of how you can make yourself feel something that you don't. So sorry, perhaps someone else will have some more helpful ideas.
" I'm not trying to withhold it etc I just don't feel the urge or want to do it for the sake of it."
This is a very dysfunctional relationship that seems to be all about what you want. You've cheated on him and now you're hanging about waiting to feel 'the urge'? Put the poor bastard out of his misery and have the decency to let him move on and find someone that actually likes him....
I remember your other posts I think. Was it an emotional affair with an old flame currently living abroad? Have you now cut all contact?
Thank you for your replies.
I had the affair. It has ended. I had very strong feelings for the OM. I admitted it because I wanted to rebuild our marriage properly with honesty. I wouldn't have been found out.
I know I should be healing the non affair partner and I know how this reads but the facts are that our marriage isn't great and it needs working on. I simply can't say I have had an affair and am sorry and I love you forever and lets put this behind us.
I want to say I have had an affair and I am sorry and it was wrong and I love you. BUT I still don't know if our marriage can work.
I know that sounds terrible.
But I so want it to work out but we have to be happy and I want to be attracted to my husband again the way I once was.
I know how I should be behaving to him and be full of remorse etc which I am, don't get me wrong, I feel awful. But that aside doesn't heal the marriage.
Therefore I am seeking to find out how to get the passion back. Yes probably two ways.
I know he finds it hard to look at me without thinking about what I have done. So I'm sure it was hard for him to kiss me too. I know he enjoyed it (he kept saying so and I could feel his ...er...hard on...) (we were lying in bed) and I was truly so so upset that it didnt turn me on at all
I want. I'm waiting. I feel. I didn't. The number of times you write the word "I" is a big giveaway. It's all about you isn't it?
Yes it started as an EA as he is abroad and ended up with 4 days together in November. Contact has now been cut completely.
I have told OH how I feel. I have told him that he also has a choice. I have told him that maybe it is over and that I know he would easily find someone else. I have told him I understand if he throws me out. I have not led him along or made him stay.
We have both decided that we did once have 'it' and we really want to rekindle it if we can.
We both want to try and are having joint and individual counselling.
I am really trying. I want it to work. We have so much going for us. But I want passion too.
You sound narcissistic.
I think you should end the relationship for his sake.
Yes, I guess my posts will be about how I am feeling won't they?
That's why I am posting. I want to get the right feelings back and love and appreciate my wonderful OH in the way he deserves but right now I am finding it hard. I know how he feels too but it probably wasnt relevant to write that? What matters is that we both want to work hard at this. Isn't that what matters?
Do this man a huge favour and leave.
You sound incredibly selfish.
What were the reasons for ending the affair, especially so soon after spending time together?
I think you should move out, at least while you work through things with your husband or decide to end it.
Nothing like getting a bit of support, eh?
Of course what you post will be about you, it would be odd if you presumed to talk about how your husband is feeling.
I suspect your counselling will help you resolve why you had an affair and from that whether you can rekindle how you felt about your husband. I don't think there's a formula which will suddenly make you lust after him, and the other things I'm sure you're feeling (guilt, confusion) certainly aren't conducive to passion.
I hope you work things out, whether that means staying together or deciding to live apart.
"I have told him that maybe it is over "
Don't you see how cruel you're being? You told him about the OM when he need never have found out. You're using words like 'maybe' about your love. You're holding out false hopes whilst waiting for this 'passion' to miraculously return. If it's not working, stop torturing him...
I think it is so difficult. You can't make yourself feel something in the same way you can't always stop the romantic feelings drifting away in a relationship. Do you feel you are still emotionally attached to the OM? You may have said in another thread but are you seeing a counsellor? I don't think your feelings for your husband will be fixed until you can fix yourself and work out a) what made you do it in the first place and b) make sure you are over the OM. It might sound selfish but you can't heal your husband if you are still broken and have not worked out the root cause of it all. I am sorry I don't have any very useful advice but I think you need to talk it through with a professional. Good luck
Affairs often don't start because of just one person's selfishness. I'm sure jenny99's dh hasn't covered himself in glory over the years if she felt the need to look elsewhere. Is not always as cut and dried as it seems. Sounds difficult jenny99. I would hazard a guess that it is time to move on for you.
You can't manufacture passion.
You sound like you're trying to find with your H the same thrill you got from your affair. This is all but impossible, as it by definition doesn't have the excitement factor of a secret, illicit liaison.
The passion to be found in a long-term relationship it is very different from what you found in your affair.
Sorry just seen you are having counselling. That is good.
I would think it would be hard to find passion for somebody who is allowing you to walk all over him. Split up FFs.
Ah, so now it the dhs fault minnie?
Of course the op will post about her own feeling, but there come a point when you have to put your dhs feeling above yours. Especially when you had an affair.
If you arent sure of what you want from your marriage be honest. Move out and and get yourself together. Dont keep him hanging on waiting for crumbs of affection that you may or may not decide to toss his way.
No Mike, i did not say it was dh's fault but most likely more complex reasoning than jenny99's pure selfishness.
Does your husband know that the OM finished your relationship after you met him?
Have you had a STI check?
Your poor DH, he must be a very loving and caring man having you back after you fucked him over. I'll tell you when you will feel the passion for him, when he sees the light and leaves, then you will want him because you want what you can't have don't you?
Passion? FFS how old are you? I hope there are not children involved, at least
I other OM did finish it that would surely be absolute deal breaker for husband if he has any pride.
Both of them were responsible for the state of the marriage before the affair.
But only one of them decided to bale out and have an affair; a long running one from the sound of it - no kissing since May (so start sometime before that?) trip away not until November.
DH has only known for sure about this for less than two months. He may still be in shock. OP needs to decide if she wants to mend the marriage, in which case she will need to accept role of healer until the damage of the affair subsides enough for DH to have the strength, sense of security and equilibrium to look at the overall relationship.
Or consider ending it decently, before much more time passes.
badinage I think I missed the part where the OM ended it? I was wondering who ended it and why, especially so soon after meeting
Leave this poor man and give him the chance to get over you, and to find and be with someone who loves him and feels excited about him. Poor guy. It's as if he has something to make up for - he doesn't - you cheated on him, not the other way around. If I read your posts as if you are the man and you had the affair, I find it hard to find any sympathy for you. Sorry.
Perhaps instead of having the affair, the big red warning light should have pointed to you leaving the marriage instead, cutting out the middle man.
Op, if you only slept with OM in November, how on earth do you expect to feel passion for your H, it's only been TWO months! especially as marriage was rocky even before affair, so it wasn't passionate for a while.
It's even less likely to be passionate straight after the affair, you need months of doing things together and connecting again on emotional level, then passion may come back. I think it's a miracle he already feels aroused at least, he may have lost any desire for you so that's good start surely?
he could have lost desire, I meant
Thank you for your comments so far...some of them have been very helpful.
theOriginalLadyFT Thank you. We are trying. Support is greatly appreciated.
Personally, I would have thought that after a long marriage it is surely better to try and fix things, whatever it takes, rather than to walk away.
I realise I have been wrong. Disgusting and despicable even, but I am trying to make things work and to now do the right thing. And if by being honest and talking about how I really feel then that makes me selfish then I am sorry some of you feel that way. Surely it would be more selfish to tell my husband that I love him and everything is great, and to just resume sex.
Seriously, without wanting to lay myself out for more 'bashing', I don't feel I am being selfish by talking honestly. Yes, I know the marriage needs to work for him too, but here on MN I am talking about MY feelings because I want to reconcile them and I want to get to the bottom of all of this and to fix things for the better and for the long term from the very root of things, not superficially.
It is sad that for so many people on so many threads here the answer is 'move out' or 'end the marriage'. My parents and my in laws are all still in their first marriage. I have only 3 friends who have (in the last year) separated. To me, marriage is a thing I always held dear and valued. I know I screwed up and there are obviously deep seated reasons relating to that, but I don't want to just throw it away and move on until I know without a shadow of a doubt that that is the best thing for us both.
cogito Part of the reason I told him was because he just couldn't understand why I was distant and why he was trying his damnedest and it wasn't helping. I told him not to relieve any of my guilt, I know I could have borne it for the rest of my life, but I truly believe he should know. Somebody pointed out to me that him and me are both making choices about our marriage, and didn't he deserve to know the truth about where I am coming from.
melbie thank you for your comments. Yes, I still feel very emotionally attached to the OM, but am trying to get him out of my head now. I have to be honest (for which I am usually slated) but it is hard, and I still have feelings. I completely agree with you that I need to get to the root cause of this before I can work things out. I know that OM represented all the usual...fun, passion, excitement, etc and am working on what (if) is missing from my life...
I am always honest with what I say and what I write. If I don't write the truth what's the point? Sorry if that makes me selfish. I am writing the truth because I am hoping for help to get me to what I know would be the best outcome.
I am trying. I am trying to do the right thing and I am trying to make things work out. Is that a bad thing?
bobbybird40 interesting, thank you. It is an ongoing conversation with my RL BF whether he is being incredibly strong and fighting for what we had and working through this, or whether he is being walked over and weak and just scared to lose everything. It is interesting that you relate that to passion too...I hadn't thought of it that way.
minnie thank you. Yes, there are many issues. That is why it isn't as easy as me just saying sorry and let's shut that door.
Mike interesting name ;) thanks for your comments too. We have decided that we shouldn't (yet) live separately as we are trying to stay reasonably 'together' for the children. Altho I am sure they are picking up on something. We are also aware that statistically a couple who is living apart is less likely to stay together. Yes, I need to put his feelings first, so does that mean if he wants to stay together I just do it? Surely he deserves me to feel real love for him and to be certain we can make it, rather than just go with it? I have discussed with him that he too has choices and if he decides to not wait for me or support me in any way through this, then I will accept that too.
In answer to others;
yes, OM finished it.
OH knows no details about that or anything else. He doesn't want to.
I am early 40s
yes I have been to the sti clinic
We have 2 children.
If he leaves and then I want him, then I fully accept I made my bed and will lie in it.
oh...more comments while I wrote that essay....
The affair was an EA first, (he lives 5,000 miles away). That was the main reason for it finishing.
Sex life with OH was almost non existent from October '11 until May '12 which was the actual 'last time'.
I told my OH how unhappy I was in May '11, and in October when I still felt he did nothing about it I asked if we could have counselling. He refused, and was in denial of the problems. Or perhaps I didn't make it clear how bad I was feeling. Who knows. We can't go back now. I started the EA in December '11.
likeatonneofbricks yes, I feel that way, that it will be a huge thing, and we need to get back the emotional connection first. He feels the sex is an important thing now...
I think you should move out. You might make it more like 'dating' that way and perhaps build something back up and perhaps if you start looking forward to seeing him next weekend (as you might have done at the beginning) you might be able to rekindle some passion.
Or your DH may realise that he's better off without you. Either way, things move on, rather than stay in this unfair stalemate.
bagcat I'm not looking for sympathy and forgive me if I gave that impression. I'm looking for understanding and helping for me to understand how I am feeling and get to the root of things here so we can work on the long journey back up.
This post was as I am wondering whether the passion comes back just like that, or whether it will be related to the emotional connection we have, or have not, right now.
I had been hoping to feel more when we kissed and I didn't. I wish I had. I'm wondering whether I will feel more as things improve. They are improving. Or whether if I didn't feel it now in his kiss, I won't.
Are you staying with him because you think that you should?
How long have you been married, i am not sure i feel "passion" when my DP kisses me, its been too long if tht makes sense. But i love him deeply and that goes further. Our sex life is, well, its ok. No where near as passionate as it was, but more passionate than many, if that makes sense. I don't think you are going to get passion back into a kiss - you need to take it further.
frustratedworkingmum Thank you. We've been together 20 years. I'm not staying because I think I should. I want it to work because I think it should, but I will only stay if it is going to. (does that make sense?!). Thanks for sharing re your sex life....I know it will be different after 20 yrs together than a passion filled weekend, but I was hoping to feel more when we kissed than just 'is this it?' 'why aren't I feeling turned on at all'. I know it will be more 'love' based than passion fuelled, but how important is the sex in the overall package of a marriage?! I just want it to be enjoyable tbh, but didn't even thing that
I think Voice's suggestion is a good one. If it's not financially/practically possible, try living as housemates rather than partners for a while - don't do household chores for each other, carry out personal habits in front of each other, etc. You need to aim for respectful distance, like you would when houseshare or first move in with each other. And keep sex off the agenda by sleeping separately.
I think you need to look back on the days when you did have passion and identify what it was about the relationship back then that made you feel that way. Was it simply because it was new? What made it exciting? Was there something he used to do or a way he used to be that turned you on? Once you've identified those things it becomes much easier to look at what you can do to rekindle that kind of behaviour in your DH.
20 years here too - i think you are expecting too much. Not that wanting passion is asking too much, we all want that, i get it, 1/10 times, the rest is just nice (nice!! ) but you know what i mean. I think you are putting yourself and consequently your DH under pressure, it wont be brilliant, it will be awkward and you'll have to put up with that until brilliant comes back. Look, he forgave you, that tells me he bloody loves you. You must love him (surely?) else you would have left already?
Your husband might not want to know the gory details, but what a load of bollocks that you've failed to tell him the OM dumped you, because he said he didn't want to know that very salient detail....
I'll tell you why you've got no passion for your husband. You've told him only the partial truth, are only with him because the OM dumped you and most importantly, you've got zero respect for him.
I remember your other thread. You'd have been off like a shot if the OM would have had you. He didn't, so because you've never been independent and worked you've decided to stay with your husband.
It's hard to feel passion for someone you see as second best and a mug to boot.
badinage yes I would have been off with the OM but that didn't happen. It isn't as simple as therefore staying because I've never been on my own. To me it is as simple as staying because it is worth at least trying? I loved him very much once. Even tho I always had feelings for OM I chose to marry my husband and have been very happy with no thoughts of straying for most of that time. He didnt ask what happened with OM he just asked if we are still in contact.
I really do truly want to get back the feelings I had for him and am doing a lot of soul searching to try and do that.
So, if the OM hadn't have dumped you, you wouldn't be with your DH?
I think sometimes that the lack of passion (or at least being concerned about it, in a "is this it?" way) is a sort of metaphor for a more general fear that life is just slipping past, that we skim along the surface and feel nothing. The years tick past and we get up, go to work, raise children, go to sleep and repeat and repeat, and somewhere we forget who we are and what we dreamed for ourselves.
An affair in that situation is perhaps a symptom of a need to feel a connection - with deeper feelings or emotions. When the OP's husband ignored her appeal to him to listen to her fears (and perhaps address them with counselling), that need for comfort or support maybe got diverted elsewhere.
It's easy to to judge, or project your own feelings onto a situation, but people do make mistakes and sitting in judgment is pretty harsh. The OP is trying to be honest, and find a way to hold her marriage together - but it is unreasonable to expect her to ignore her feelings and needs while doing that
You're reconciling under false pretences then. Stop kidding yourself that you're with-holding the important facst that you were dumped and would have left, simply because your husband hasn't asked. Sheesh....of course you don't feel passion. You're a liar by omission and lying to yourself that your husband doesn't want to know the truth. Stop soul-searching and be honest FFS, including with yourself.
I couldn't stay with the missis if I knew I was second choice - not in a million years. You are being grossly unfair OP - you surely can see that?
How big a factor is finance in all of this? Can you afford to split up?
Are you in any way still in contact with the OM, ever?
frustratedworkingmum I know, it is awful, but I was swept up with my emotions. But I am still here, and this is a choice. I am not scared of being alone. I have chosen to stay and to try and get my marriage back to where it once was. Sorry.
TheOriginalLadyFT thank you for your advice and words. I think you have hit the nail on the head. I know that what I have done is wrong. Thank you for not appearing to judge me. Yes, I am trying to get a grip on my feelings because unless I do that I won't move forward surely? I feel very much like I need a connection on a deeper level now with my husband, and that over the years, the kids, etc, that gets swept away and now that the kids going to uni is looming in the next 5 yrs...it will just be me and him...I 'need' more from him. I don't want us to just be 'mum' and 'dad'. I need us to be together, emotionally, and fulfilling the needs we both have at this stage in our lives...the next stage.
badinage / others Ok, yes I was dumped. But now that that has happened, is it better to say, well I would have gone so I will go anyway, or to say....'hang on, I had a great marriage for a long time, can that be fixed'. Would it have been madness to go and based upon lust? Just because I would have gone, doesn't mean it would have been the right thing to do to leave the marriage does it? Perhaps by him dumping me I have been given a lucky (whether deserved or not) chance, to rectify things?
Bobbybird40 I don't want him to be 2nd best. I want to make things right and to be truly happy. If I am not, and we cannot work things out together then we will make the decision to split up. I don't want to settle for second best. I don't think he deserves that either. I am not trying to be grossly unfair. I am trying to salvage and improve a failing marriage, that was good for many, many years, that my OH wants to mend. Yes, we could afford to split up. Finance is not a factor in this. For that I am eternally grateful as it means we are able to make decisions based on how we feel and what we want.
No, we have stopped contact. I need to get him out my head.
I speak from the other side of this scenario, as the innocent party. However, I don't think I was entirely blameless, in the same way I don't think Jenny99's DH was entirely blameless. My DH and I made mistakes, didn't communicate about issues and inwardly ignored/denied problems in our marriage. That is how his affair started. I know there is no excuse for having an affair, but often there is an explanation, and people do make mistakes. I blame him not OW, he was entirely responsible, but I also understand him, and why it happened.
My point here is perhaps we should accept Jenny99's position without feeling the need to castigate her.
However, Jenny, from what you have written I don't think you are yet in a place where reconciliation will work. For a couple to survive an affair the 'guilty' party has to really regret what they have done at every level, and be desperate to make it work. They have to lay open their hearts to their spouse, tell them everything they want to know, do everything they ask with respect to cutting contact, talking about the unmentionable, going to counselling, being supportive and taking things at a sensitive pace. Right now Jenny you seem to want your H to play this role for you. That can't work, don't you see? If you don't want him back so desperately that you will do anything to keep him he will never feel he can trust you, and you will never properly value him. You need to be at a position of equal power in the relationship. Right now he wants you, and you are saying 'maybe'.
For your own and his sanity I recommend you live apart for a while. If space is a huge relief and you do not miss him, then you have your answer. I moved out when my DH had an affair, and to be blunt it made him realise what he had given up. I missed him too, but found the process liberating in that I discovered myself again, and lost the fear of being alone. What that meant was when we did reconcile the power base had shifted to a more equal position. I loved him but knew I would never compromise myself to be with him, and he found that he loved me too much to risk losing me again. You two need to reach this point as until you do he will never trust you, and you will never appreciate him.
Passion returns without effort when the rest is sorted. You are putting the cart before the horse. Of course you feel no passion, you haven't cleared the OM out of your head, and have no hunger to keep your DH.
Separate, take stock, and if you never regain that passion set yourselves free to pursue happier futures.
Great, be aware that the choice to do that is an active and very powerful part of making the effort you claim to be making. If you change that, in any way, you would be deliberately sabotaging your primary relationship and not doing what you say you are doing. Ideally, if OM should contact you in any way, you would inform your OH, and not reply.
Be the change you want to see. If passion is what your relationship lacks, be more passionate towards your partner, and in your life in general. And so on.
Take responsibility for what is missing and be it. It will spread and grow. Just as doubt, listened to, spreads and grows.
If you deep down don't want to be with your OH, in your core, and you are doing all this to salve you conscience, better to leave immediately and punish yourself in a different way, through being alone and letting him get on with his life.
That's a really thoughtful post, worcestershiresauce
Tell your husband the truth FFS. The only reason you haven't is because you think like most sane people who knew they were the fall-back kid for a very selfish partner, he wouldn't have you back.
Is your husband having some counselling? If so, I bloody hope his counsellor is suggesting he gets the truth before he decides to stay with you.
And FWIW, I think people can get over affairs. I know couples who have. But only when the cheater has told the whole truth and isn't staying because they got dumped and would have left if they hadn't.
wise words, OriginalLady! it's the need to reconnect with your emotions which often leads to affairs, and really her H didn't help at all by ignoring her concerns and suggestion for counselling - I think this is the reason that he wants to work on it, as he must also feel guilty about ignoring her.
I don't thinkit's necessary the case that r-shi can't work because OM dumped her, she doesn't know how the real life with OM would be, she could have then realised that she prefers her H (once the first flush of passion was over).
Her H is really not helping by saying sex is important now when he sgould understand that tey need to get the emotional connection back. That's quite crude of him tbh.
Why are you so angry badinage? The swearing and need to make the OP feel bad? She knows what she did is wrong, and no doubt they will have to work through what happened, hopefully in the supportive atmosphere of counselling.
She doesn't accept she's wrong for failing to tell her husband the whole truth. She's kidding herself that she's with-holding that info because he doesn't want to know.
I'd bet a tidy sum she wouldn't be saying the affair was wrong either, if the OM had been willing to have her.
Hypocrisy and lying make me angry.
There's lots of good advice on your previous threads.
Oops - with links (I hope)
So he DID go with you to counselling then? But by that time, you were already having an affair and you lied all through the counselling?
worcestershiresauce and vanderelsjken thank you.
Thank you to all those who 'get' where I am coming from.
My husband isn't wanting sex in a 'crude' way likeatonne but I genuinely think that for him sex is an expression of emotion and love and he isn't a very emotional person. He doesn't generally express his feelings so for him sex = love.
That is why he hasn't asked any details. He doesn't want to know. He doesn't want to discuss it.
We are having counselling at the moment and the counsellor knows everything.
My husband doesn't show emotions at all. No blame... but perhaps that is what got us here?
Really really appreciate those with helpful advice. I need help. I know that xx
Am I overthinking???
He just walked back in from being at football with our youngest and he looks cold and tired and I wanted to hug him and show him I care.
OMG I am confused.
Just because people don't agree with you, don't assume they don't 'get where's you're coming from'. I think some people on this thread get it just fine.
On that other thread you said he willingly went to couples counselling all through the summer and you omitted to mention you were already having an affair. Yet on this thread you made out that you begged him to go to counselling and he refused.
Like I said on the thread I was on, maybe he's got his own reasons for asking no questions and having you back. I'm more interested in your truthful reasons for not being honest with him yourself.
2011 I asked him to go to counselling he refused. Last summer we went to relate. I wasn't honest. Since beginning of December we have been going again and I am being totally honest.
I wasn't meaning that maybe others don't 'get' me to be insulting but I was meaning that I am looking for constructive advice seeing as my husband and I have decided to try and work through this together and accept what has happened and to make our marriage strong again. Therefore comments suggesting it is over and to move on may not be perceived as being that useful right now for example. That's all. I am genuinely trying hard and being truthful now and want to make it work.
Whether it can or not is obviously another issue.
I am not being dishonest with him now. He told me he doesn't want to know anything. He said he doesn't want any more information about it. Should I sit him down and make him listen to all the sordid details? I doubt that would help?!
I said before that he's entitled not to know the gory details and I can understand why he might not. But the information you're with-holding isn't sordid and it changes the picture completely. The OM ended the relationship and if he hadn't, you would have left. Your husband doesn't know that. He's probably kidding himself that you felt so much guilt after your weekend of passion that you ended it straight away. Not true.
One of the reasons you're feeling no passion is because there are some major truths that he doesn't know. You really aren't being truthful with yourself or us claiming that you're not telling him that because he doesn't want to know. You're not telling him because you fear the consequences to you, that's all.
And wasn't it you on another thread recently saying you still hide your phone from your husband?
OP sorry but i am just not feeling that you have a passion to make this work and maybe that is why you are not feeling that"passion" you so desperately want.
Let me see what I recall of what my dp said when he he told me about his affair less than 48 hours ago!
He has told me everything and when i continued to ask he told me all over again. He has held nothing of himself back and has told me that he wants us to work again. He has not put any pressure on me. And well its early days and i don't know yet.
What I am trying to say is that you don't sound passionate about wanting to make it work imho
He hasn't asked what happened. He actually said he doesn't want to know why it is over but only wants to know is it over.
Yes I still hide my phone. Lock it that is. I always have. I have on it texts to my bf about this. I also have this thread on it. And I take screen shots of the replies that help me and keep them in photos. So whilst I am being honest about my feelings I still feel I need a little bit of privacy.
He has said he doesn't want access to my phone. I don't have any communication still on it with the OM.
I told him this week that he has a choice in this and that I am choosing to stay and want to work things out but that he also has a choice.
If he wants to split then I would accept that. I actually don't fear the consequences. I fear us not making the right choice or giving it a proper shot.
Agree with Badinage.
This is a pretty big piece of information you're keeping back. You're not been truthful either to your dh or to yourself.
Have you had counselling for yourself? If you want to work on your marriage then maybe this is a step towards salvaging something.
Have to say if dp had told me the ow had dumped him otherwise he would have left we wouldn't still be together now.
Are you sure you would have left?
OP - if the other bloke got in touch tomorrow and said he wanted you back and for you and him to make a life together, what would you do?
Hi, I feel exactly the same as you but I didn't have an affair, I had a relationship while separated and my ex wants to start again. Not only am I not feeling the passion, I don't want to be intimate at all - no kissing or cuddling or anything. It just makes me freeze. I so want it to work but don't know how to get the feelings back. People are judging you about the affair but your actual problem now is about how you get back on track with your husband. Is there anyone out there who has managed to rekindle the passion?
Basically when you look elsewhere the passion and thrill you gain from the affair is going to be hard to match isn't it, so to put it harshly you have fucked whatever you had with your husband by having the affair, so you need to decide if the relationship has other better things going for it that make it worth staying together and hope to god the passion returns in time.
OP you don't rekindle the passion in your case, sorry, not under the current circs. We're wasting an awful lot of words on a situation that's really very simple: You don't fancy your DH and won't while you still fancy the other guy; your DH sounds like he could be slightly 'doormat'y since he's been willing to take you back no questions asked. That will likely not change even if you tell him the full truth, making you subconsciously respect him even less, and dashing for once and for all any chance of you ever fancying him again.
You won't leave because you're afraid to be one who instigates that (I'm guessing because you don't want to look like the Bad Guy later in the children's eyes; there could be other reasons I'm not aware of).
But you're quite happy for him to instigate a separation, only you know that's unlikely because of the type he is (see my para above). Rock and hard place OP. The only solution to this involves you leaving but you won't, so it's just a case of asking yourself do you think you'll be able to stick this relationship out indefinitely.
Nobody can tell you how to get your mojo back for a guy you don't fancy because it's doubtful anyone has ever done it without making drastic changes in their lives.
i had an affair which my 'd'h didn't find out about at the time. i got dumped when the OM's partner found out.
i decided to end my marriage. i didn't tell him about the affair at the time, because i didn't feel he needed that hurt (someone else did tell him later though), but I didn't feel I could continue with the marriage, knowing how deeply i had felt about someone else.
I think, OP, that posters are right when they question your emotional attachment to the OM. You are not me, but I know that I would never have been able look my husband in the eye after what i had done - even if he never knew.
it won't stop me being flamed, but i bitterly regret the affair. it was the worst mistake of my life.
I don't believe you when you say you don't fear the consequences. If your husband knew the truth, he might divorce you, go for 50-50 parenting so you'd only have your children half the time and wouldn't get as much child maintenance. I know you say you've got no financial worries (because he's worked his butt off) but that means he could afford a very good lawyer. Other than those consequences, he might tell your children you had an affair and would have left if the other man had wanted you to. He might meet someone else. All these are possible consequences if he knew the truth. And you really don't fear them? Or is it that you think he's such a good man he wouldn't do that to you?
I think when people say they 'don't want to know' about an affair, there are lots of reasons. Sometimes it's because they've got their own skeletons in the closet and they've worked out a life where they get their jollies on the side while hanging on to their assets, so it's not in their interests to rock the boat and divorce. Sometimes it's because they are in denial and believe that what they don't know can't harm them (which is never, ever true) and sometimes it's because they aren't very interested in sex and don't mind if it's discreetly contracted out.
How did you honestly think that a man with his hands over his ears and a woman who's keeping secrets and still thinking about the sex with another man, was going to reignite the passion? You'll never get that back until you start telling eachother the truth.
daffs, do you think you would still be with your husband and have a change at happiness if you hadn't had the affair? Is that why you regret the affair?
He doesn't want to know. He is not a generally emotional person and has trouble expressing his feelings. He is an accountant. He deals with facts and data not feelings. He is sweeping it aside and concentrating on 'what now' and that is all there is to it.
I wish he was more emotional.
I don't want to still have feelings for the OM. It has been killing me inside. I want to forget about him and I want to be madly in love with my OH. I really truly do.
If we split and he is with someone else and has 50-50 custody of the kids and I therefore have less financial support etc I will accept that. I made my bed and I must lie in it.
I am telling him the truth completely about how I feel about him right now.
In some ways I feel I should walk away. I have told him that. And he says of that "you find it easier to walk away than to stay and fight. I want to stay and fight for this. Lets fight for it together. ". And that's what is guiding me. It would be easy to walk away. That's not to say divorce is easy. But easy to walk away from the mess I have made and start afresh. How amazing is it and how lucky am I that he wants to fight for this and make it better. I must try and make it work. I want to I really do. I want to get back the loving feelings for him. I hve had a few good days where I feel much warmer towards him. I just hope for more of those.
Hi OM, so what about my question above? You say you really want it to work. Cool. So if other man rung tomorrow and said he wanted to make a proper go of it, honestly, what would you do?
He isn't fighting. He's in denial. Only he knows why.
You on the other hand know why you're not telling him, but you can't admit that to yourself, let alone us or him.
If you admitted to him that the other man finished with you and that if he hadn't, you would have left - it would leave you very vulnerable in his eyes talking about such a massive blow to your ego and your hurt feelings. It might even reduce you in his eyes more than the affair. These are additional consequences of you being honest. Plus, talking about it to your husband would stop you nursing the secrecy about what I suspect you still think was an ill-fated love affair, rather than a grubby little man who wanted you for sex and then left you in the lurch when he'd got it.
It's not 'amazing' that your husband wants to stay in this marriage with so little information about the affair. It's either a calculated judgement or it's foolish.
I am pretty sure I would no longer respect and therefore fancy someone I had betrayed, cuckolded, made a fool out of, was still lying to and had so easily rolled over and taken all that shit.
bobby honestly I don't know. Right now I feel that I would be able to say no to him. It isn't simple too because he lives 5,000 miles away with his son. I think if I am honest with myself we couldn't have a future together. Our lives are too different. I don't see how it could work. I would like to be able to say no. My husband is fighting for me. The OM is not and hasn't. My husband deserves me to put everything in and try.
So are you suggesting that I sit down with my husband and say that I just feel I should tell him that the OM finished with me and if he hasn't I may have gone by now?
Surely that is now irrelevant seeing as I want to work on it and I want my husband to be my number one choice?
I really do want it to work. I know I made a mistake.
When I see my husband right now I do have feelings for him. I don't feel nothing. I just don't lust after him. Yet.
Denial is perfectly normal as a phase of dealing with trauma. He's very hurt and doesn't want to be more hurt by discovering details that would be painful to him. He might move from that position and start asking questions soon or he might never. Fundamentally the most important thing is will the OP commit solidly to a course of action and do everything in her power to facilitate it? If she won't or can't, then she should leave. Wanting to have feelings of passion bestowed upon her without doing the hard work to repair in her and the relationship what went wrong is naive and cruel.
Yes you should tell him all that. You should also tell him that you 'honestly don't know' if you'd be able to say no to the OM if he changed his mind.
It's highly relevant to your husband's decisions about his life and the woman he's married to. You're only saying it's irrelevant because you don't want him to know all of it.
All I know is that right now I am committed to making my marriage work. I have been spending more time with him. I have been trying to talk to him more and for us to be more engaged. I am trying to be more supportive to him in other things and to really be a 'good wife'. I am trying hard to plan nice things for us to do together.
I am hoping that if we can grow closer again that I will feel more attracted physically. I was once before. I want that again. I really do.
I want to forget about him and I want to be madly in love with my OH.
* I would like to be able to say no.*
OP you come across like someone who is literally clutching at straws. The whole tone of all your posts is this aspirational thing where you want things to work and they should work. Get real. The reality is you fancy someone else who, if he showed up on your doorstep and said he'd moved over for good, you'd be back in the sack with in two seconds flat.
Stop basing things on some utopia of how things should be. That's not how they are OP. Just start living an honest life! Tell your DH at a minimum that you aren't feeling it for him cos you're still feeling it for someone else.
If that doesn't make him turf you out, I don't know what will
I think if you were to experience living on your own, things might change but right now, they're unlikely to.
So you're not going to tell him then?
I think you are behaving in an incredibly cruel and selfish manner and I just hope your husband gets the strength to find out the truth so that he's making informed decisions.
Tbf to the OP, I strongly suspect he would remain with her anyway - he really does sound wet. On that basis, maybe telling him he is second choice would be just twisting the knife.
jenny It's understandable that you don't respect your DH because he clearly has no respect for himself. Time and time again on these threads we hear about people being treating like shit and putting up with it. I can't get my head round it.
Please do the decent thing - do him a favour and be honest with him. Tell him straight that you still have feelings for the OM and that the marriage is over. You owe him that much.
If you have not completely cut out the OM from your life (so you deliberately turn your focus to something else and never let yourself think of him) it is unlikely you can do the right think in terms of your marriage. It's up to yo which you choose, but I cannot see a way ahead in which you hold OM in your heart and whilst expecting to mend your marriage.
If you are serious about reconciliation, you might want to consider reading this book or similar.
Maybe so, Bobby. But at least it would be in full knowledge of the facts, not just the ones OP has decided to tell him "for his own good"
I would respectfully differ on this point of revealing potentially hurtful information. Sorry if this is made clear further upthread but I think that only if the OH has another, dishonest perspective on how the affair ended should the OP tell the whole truth, because he's labouring under a misapprehension. Only the OP knows what her OH thinks and whether it's represented truthfully on this thread.
IF the OP has committed to making her marriage work WITHOUT some sort of behind the scenes time limit with the OM or continued contact with him, and her OH has not been lied to about the details of the affair and how it ended, there is no need to sit down and say, by the way I'd rather be with him than you. There are situations where I've been dumped by men who I would rather be than the next relationship I went into, it doesn't mean I should admit to that unless I was withdrawing from that relationship, hurting my partner and pining for the last one.
If the OP does everything and invests and WANTS to be with her DH rather than feeling that's what she should do, then I think she telling that now would seem deliberately destructive. But only she knows that. Something makes me feel some of the details here and representations are a little bit skewed or sanded round the edges, OP, sorry if that's unfair.
Wanting to make it work for him though is doomed to failure and kind of a cruel pressure.
'Wanting' it is empty. 'Doing' things, for him and for both of you, actively and courageously, will make the difference. You want passion? tell me what passionate things you plan to do in the next fortnight for your relationship? (you don't have to be too detailed!!)
All this talk about men 'fighting' or 'not fighting' for you makes you sound like you think you're a princess standing aside watching a duel. Rather than a grown woman who got taken in by a shabby little man who lied to her, and is still lying to save her arse and her dignity......
A wise woman once told me 'use it or lose it'. I thought it was insulting offensive and mad at the time, But she was right the first few times it was almost lie back and think of england but after a while we couldnt get enough!!
Jenny I remember telling you in a PM that OM was playing you. And he did, he played and used you horribly. He didn't care about you! He liked the chase.
I wonder if you shouldn't really be honest with yourself about this? To really feel this humiliatation and disrespect, so that the starry luuuuuuurve and sex gets put into a more realistic light?
The reason I say this is not to humiliate or diss you, but so that you can see that what the magic of the affair was was NOT him, but by how he made you FEEL.
And this, is what you long for in your H? I really get your loneliness and how you have had to suffer in his tightly controlled emotional world, keeping you at a distance.
Getting to him: I think he does need to hear this stuff, he does need to be required to realise that actually, emotions DO matter and hurt happens for a reason.
It just seems to me you have got back into the same dance and he has battened down the hatches even harder.
[So have we, even worse, so not pointing fingers here].
But you need to be a bit more realistic about OM. It's not HIM, it's YOU.
And Worcestershiresauce's thread was lovely [sob]. It covers all the salient points does it not!
Did that openness happen in your reconciliation, WS?
Just read all this and dont agree at all that it is helpful or good in any way to tell DH details he doesn't want to know. One minute she is being told how awful she is being for not being thoughtful enough to hubby and the next being told off for doing what he wants. Give her a break HE DOESNT WANT TO KNOW. It might be for all the wrong reasons but ITS HIS CHOICE, he has a lot to come to terms with himself and if they are going to counselling, may change his mind but then that will be his choice for then, Now he doesn't want to know!!
I think you just don't want to have the responsibility of being the person who calls time on your marriage.
As far as lust is concerned, you have deprived yourself and your OH of sex for a very very long time and he has been patient about that. You say yourself in your starting post that you want him to desire you and that would add to your passion. But he is kind enough not to want to initiate sex unless you want it. So you've got yourself into a horrible, cruel bind where you are complaining about not feeling sexy but not doing anything sexual. No wonder you enjoyed an affair because that made you feel good about yourself and desired. Surely you are bright enough to see that being the objet of desire is your trigger, not the OM himself. You could talk to your partner about this.
You could perfectly well feel desired in you relationship if you made an effort towards re-sexualising that but you deliberately haven't in order to kill it by-proxy over time.
If he makes your skin crawl after all this time then leave. If not, do some bloody work.
'he doesn't want to know.'
But he didn't want to know how unhappy Jenny was, did he? And he doesn't want to know what emotions are. And he doesn't want to live in any other world other than control and where his inner self stays shut off.
Which drove her to do what she did. Didn't CAUSE it, but it did create the vulnerability, didn't it?
This is difficult. My dh had an affair 3 years ago and we have rebuilt our marriage more than I had ever thought possible.
Your problems as I see them:
1. You don't really have any closure/understanding from your affair because OM ended it and you haven't stopped having feelings for him. This is very serious and you need to get to the bottom of this with mn orfriend or a counsellor NOT your DH. Once you understand, tell dh if he wants to be told. You need to know why you did it and have an objective assessment. There are things that adulterers do - some rewrite history, even unknowingly lying to themselves about it (eg i never loved my husband) and others convince themselves that their spouse is a villain (eg my husband does xyz bad things).
2. Your dh seems to be in shock/denial or something similar. Part of the healing process IME is to hear the awful details or at least a clean summary and then deal with them. I don't really see how he can deal with what's happened without having a clue what it is. But having said that, you can't push the details onto him because that is his choice.
3. You have not registered what you have to lose. You say you will accept the consequences if dh leaves you. You should be prepared to fight for your marriage and beg forgiveness. I do not think you truly understand what it might be like for you if you split and your h marries someone else. All you seem to see is custody arrangements and financial arrangements. You would probably feel brokenness hearted and full of regret/remorse.
Excuse awful text etc on iPad!
You might find it useful to read threads in relationships on affairs that other people have had. To help learn more about your own behaviior snd your husbands response. Especially a poster called whenwillifeelnormal - I think this poster may have left mn but she dished out loads of good advice and was an expert on the subject.
The title is about getting the passion back and the reason this is a stumbling block is almost definitely because of your feelings for OM. Personally, after my H cheated, we had sex very soon afterwards (be careful if you had unprotected sex with OM - get STI check first) - for the wronged partner (me) it is almost like reclaiming your partner and from what I read on MN at the time, this is a very very common reaction. So do bear in mind that even if your H does not express his feelings, he may have a need to "reclaim you". I mean mentally. Also bear in mind an unexpected emotional reaction may follow any of the first few times.
I am not suggesting you do something you don't want to do but I just pointing out the feelings he may have right now.
Regarding your feelings for the OM:
Try a few things:
1) You need to accept that he did wrong. Even if he isn't married or whatever, he knew you were (presumably) and therefore he owed common decency to fellow human beings (your husband). So, whatever his set up, he acted badly.
2) To realise that your affair was in a bubble with no pressures of life and that it would not have stood up to the scrutiny and pressure of real life - drudgery, kids etc...It was never tested, it was in a perfect little (unreal) world of it's own.
3) Take a look in to the abyss (life without H) - look through photos from when you were together, getting married etc...and then think what if all that was erased and picture yourself living somewhere without that person who you loved with all your heart in those photos. Somehow you need to jolt yourself into realising what you would be throwing away from your own perspective, rather than the perspective of your kids (who are obv. important, but you need to fix the marriage itself)
4) To realise your own shortcomings - in that an affair is not the answer if you have marriage problems. That you were deceitful, that you selfishly put your own desires (OM) first above your marriage vows and husband, that you risked your family and were arrogant enough to think that you could go back. (Not meant as a flaming, sorry, just trying to help but used some harsh words because cannot think of better ones!)
5) That your relaationship with OM was based on deceit and therefore very unlikely to last. There is some statistic that relationships that start out like that have a huge failure rate. Sorry I can't be more specific there. 2nd marriages have a higher failure rate than 1st and if you combine that with relationships based on deceit as well, then it was very unlikely to work out.
You are trying your best, continue to do so and continue to ask for advice on here.
Your husband is likely in shock , i don't think you can comprehend the sheer trauma and hurt that a person suffers when they have been betrayed like this , for many people it is like a bereavement , complete with physical symptoms and terrible emotional pain . You are not doing any of the things you need to do in order for him to heal .
Re being ambivalent , this is also common and he is unlikely to invest too much of himself in you when you have betrayed him , let alone be passionate towards you . You say he doesn't do feelings yet hes stated quite clearly he wants to fight for your marriage . Your not being honest with him at all . While he may not want to know the details of the affair , i think its unfair of you to not spell out clearly how you feel about the marriage .
You still seem to be romanticizing the OM and affair . You don't seem to be able to understand that it simply wasn't real . Far from being some romantic fairytale it was a nasty cheap encounter and your story is so unoriginal there are many books written about it . It is not fair or realistic to compare a nasty cheap sexual encounter with a long standing relationship .
I think you should tell him the truth about the fact that had OM asked you , you would have been off like a shot .
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