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2nd date nerves

(45 Posts)
kittykat10 Sun 03-Feb-13 09:48:20

hi

well some how i went on a first date last weekend and we got on really well , went on a long walk and chatted through out and even the silences were comfortable.
he texted me in the eveing to say hed enjoyed himself and wants to see me again.
well today the day and part of me is looking forward to it and the other part is scared to death.
h4e is total opposite to my ex which can only be good and we have chatted on fone and texted loads but im still nervous .
i dont want to cancel but so worried hardly slept all night and when i did i had bad dreams
he suggested i leave my car at his and he drives is that acceptable, i know i prob wont get answrs in time as meant to be meeting soon.

just needed to get things said

izzyizin Sun 03-Feb-13 09:54:20

As you've only met him once, wait until you know him before proclaiming that he's the opposite of anyone!

If you're planning an outing together and it makes sense for you to leave your car at his rather than him collecting you, take yourself off and have a good time.

And don't forget to report back!

Walkacrossthesand Sun 03-Feb-13 09:58:50

I'd only accept the car share if the guy is a work colleague/friend of a friend. Otherwise, make an excuse about needing to go on somewhere so better if you take your own car. I wouldn't want (a) to ride alone in what is essentially a strangers car; and (b) be dependent on him for lift back if the date takes a wrong turn. Having said that - hope you have a great time!

kittykat10 Sun 03-Feb-13 10:33:21

panicked and canceled date , liked him as well but im crap at dates

izzyizin Sun 03-Feb-13 10:41:34

Why ever did you do that?

kittykat10 Sun 03-Feb-13 10:45:33

coz im stupid

izzyizin Sun 03-Feb-13 10:50:44

Yep. I reckon you haven't been too bright in chickening out cancelling a second date with a likeable guy who you felt comfortable with even during the silences.

Why not give him a call and say you panicked don't know what came over you and can your outing still go ahead, but if he's got other plans maybe another time?,

kittykat10 Sun 03-Feb-13 10:54:54

we have said well do something one eveing in the week , im so stupid at times x

MrsFiddymont Sun 03-Feb-13 11:02:49

kitty, you are not stupid, it's just nerves, don't be so hard on yourself.

izzyizin Sun 03-Feb-13 11:08:33

What reason did you give for cancelling out at the last minute? Suddenly feeling unwell, unexpected guests?

Just give him a bell and say what about a pub lunch somewhere pleasant?

Worley Sun 03-Feb-13 11:08:36

I've had fab first dates and cancelled the second as felt so sick with nerves.. if you weren't looking forward to te second date even if the first went well then maybe that's a little sign? if you felt teleod once good cancelled it then you knew what was best...

Worley Sun 03-Feb-13 11:09:13

that was meant to say relief not telod... autocorrect !!

MirriW Sun 03-Feb-13 11:10:32

I had a great first date with my current boyfriend and couldn't wait for the 2nd date - until it arrived and I suddenly became sick with nerves.

The 2nd date tends to act as more of a confirmation doesn't it? therefore it probably is a bigger deal.

izzyizin Sun 03-Feb-13 11:18:06

My philsophy is that if you're feeling sick with nerves it's better to get it over with than postpone the event and go through the jitters again when the re-arranged date looms large on the horizon.

If you're happy at the prospect of a succession of first and only dates, don't torture yourself by making arrangements to meet again.

kittykat10 Sun 03-Feb-13 11:30:41

ive not had lots of firt dates in fact apart from my ex i have had 3 dates in my life

Lueji Sun 03-Feb-13 11:33:02

There's two sides to 2nd dates nerves.

Either you liked him and now feel worried that the 2nd date won't go well and he'll reject you.
Or in fact, you didn't like him that much and would really rather not spend more time with this person.

Relief after cancelling is not necessarily a sign that it was wrong, but it may just be a sign of avoidance.

Not really sure how to distinguish the two. Maybe to actually go on the 2nd date asap and see what happens? smile

kittykat10 Sun 03-Feb-13 13:18:44

he asked me to go over but im not comfortable about going to his house

TheBakeryQueen Sun 03-Feb-13 13:27:48

If you could get around the excuse you made, can't you still go on date? Maybe just meet somewhere to save time & take your own car.

Yes I'd agree too soon to go to his house.

likeatonneofbricks Sun 03-Feb-13 13:33:54

Op, don't go to his house, and generally try to be more assertive, he seems to impose what he wants a bit (the driving in his car as well).

Just say to him that you aer not in a rush and tell HIM what you'd like to do and where you'd rather go on the next date, jump in there before he does - or don't be afraid to say no (nicely) to his suggestions.

Bobbybird40 Sun 03-Feb-13 13:35:39

Kitty - why not just have a drink to calm the nerves? Then go over and shag him?

kittykat10 Sun 03-Feb-13 13:53:43

i did try to be assertive but he didnt seem to go out for lunch.
guess i need to see how it plays out, and it not my style to shag him i have a rule about that

frustratedworkingmum Sun 03-Feb-13 13:56:36

kitty <stern voice> get on tht bloody phone, tell him you were being a twat, and go and don't shag him/shag him if you want to, just go and have a good time, dont over analyse - just have a nice day, its only 2pm, still the whole afternoon left smile do it now ffs

kittykat10 Sun 03-Feb-13 14:02:03

i texted saying id rather meet in publicagain before i go to his but not heard out back

frustratedworkingmum Sun 03-Feb-13 14:04:32

now whilst i get thts the sensible route, after a first date i think that text says "im still not comfortable with you, but i'll give it another go in a public place" id not be texting back either, sadly.

izzyizin Sun 03-Feb-13 14:04:52

If you're not happy about having arranged to go to his, get him to drive to yours where you can exit your home as soon as he arrives loudly calling over your shoulder to your dm/df/db/dsis, or whatever imaginary pal you have staying over, that you'll let them know what time to expect you back.

Don't forget a couple of lights on and you won't feel obliged to invite him in for coffee when he drops you home as x (imaginary being) is waiting for you to help them with some task or other

kittykat10 Sun 03-Feb-13 14:10:55

like the sound of your plan izzyizin maybe if he does get back to me ill suggest that

ImperialBlether England Sun 03-Feb-13 14:11:45

What kind of man would be put off by a woman saying she wasn't happy going to his house for a second date?

Why wouldn't you text back, frustratedworkingmum?

And Bobby, do you really think it's good advice to have a drink and go to shag a man she's nervous about meeting again?

frustratedworkingmum Sun 03-Feb-13 14:14:36

Because i'd feel that she didn't trust me and id be quite hurt by it. However, i woudlnt (if i were a man) be suggesting a second date at my house in the first place though, so as not to create this very situation. But didnt he just say to her to drive to his then he would drive to the date, so not necc at his house?

SweetSeraphim Sun 03-Feb-13 14:15:20

If you want my honest opinion, I think he never intended to take you out, I think he would have 'persuaded' you to spend the date at his when you left the car there hmm

He seems to be pushing for you to go round there. You're not comfortable with that - if he doesn't accept that, then fuck him.

kittykat10 Sun 03-Feb-13 14:23:44

orginally we were going to go out from his but after i said i couldnt he asked of i wanted to go over for tea.

maybe it for best .
i just didnt want another relationship that all we ever did was stay in

likeatonneofbricks Sun 03-Feb-13 14:33:40

hmm, yes, sounds to me that driving to his was a bit of a ploy, so that you go out for a quick drink (or not even that) before he invites you to his. Didn't want to have lunch - either he's tight-fisted or, more likely, he's after an easy shag at his place. See if he replies and agrees to go out - if not, good riddance grin.

SweetSeraphim Sun 03-Feb-13 14:41:04

Yep, suggest an 'out' date. If he's not interested, then all he was after was a shag.

izzyizin Sun 03-Feb-13 14:54:45

Drip feeding, much? hmm

Tea at the Ritz maybe, tea at his place as a second date? No way, Jose.

Revised opinion: write him off and interview a lot more applicants for the role of special man in your life... grin

kittykat10 Sun 03-Feb-13 15:11:37

i guess so just lonley i guess

SweetSeraphim Sun 03-Feb-13 15:31:45

So what haoppened? Did you suggest you went out?

kittykat10 Sun 03-Feb-13 15:38:11

he hasnt texted me back after i said id prefer an out date maybe that it he knows im jobless so thinks hel have to pay

MrsFiddymont Sun 03-Feb-13 15:44:00

Kitty, I think you have dodged a bullet with this one. Him wanting you in his car/house so early is not a good sign. Those who have said about him thinking you don't trust him, why would you, he is a stranger.

SweetSeraphim Sun 03-Feb-13 15:50:22

Well then. He just wanted a shag. NEXT!

ImperialBlether England Sun 03-Feb-13 15:50:24

I agree with MrsFiddymont - why should you trust him and why should he assume you'd trust him? Someone said they'd be hurt at the thought they weren't trusted - surely a decent bloke wouldn't assume a stranger should trust him?

And a decent bloke who's working could buy you a drink in a pub, too, if he wanted to see you.

kittykat10 Sun 03-Feb-13 15:53:17

yeah i guess so , i know my ex was a shit at times but he never rushed me or expected me to pay , i guess ur all right i assumed that as he was willing to visit me for the 1st date he was decent , youd be suprised how many men want you to go to their town / house etc on first dates

SweetSeraphim Sun 03-Feb-13 16:13:38

Oh, I wouldn't! I was OD for quite a long time before I settled down, so I know all the tricks. There's nothing wrong with going to someone's house for a shag, btw... it's just that doesn't sound like what you are looking for.

kittykat10 Sun 03-Feb-13 16:22:49

if i wanted just a shag i am sure my ex wouldnt say no lol

overbythere Sun 03-Feb-13 16:32:47

Let's face it, going to someone's house is not a 'date' is it, especially when you have only met them once before. This happened to me when I had met a guy, it all went fine, then he kept asking me to his house for a curry (!) and if it got late, I could stay in the spare room (yeah right.) It put me off and I never saw him again so I don't blame you at all, especially if he was pushy. Too much too soon!

kittykat10 Sun 03-Feb-13 16:55:41

the last post was this guy to a tee , he had a spare room that i could stay in if i wanted a drink!

maybe it the glass of wine i had but it all falling in to place!
and well i have to come to conclusion men are odd, a man i have been chatting to since novemeber and i know is having money issues and who i have told all about the non date today suddenly suggested after a jokey comment about a pickled egg we meet up for the egg !

i nearly said id go to his town but thought sod this if you wanan meet you come to my home turf!

does make me think about the comment i made the other day about not leaving my pickled egg date to long!

kittykat10 Mon 04-Feb-13 11:56:28

i think he was just after a shag or worse ! no answer from my text i sent him thanks everyone for help i dont have mates to confide in so your advice was valuable to me.
i just hope there are actually decent men out there as loosing hope !

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