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I've never admitted our problems on MN before...

(102 Posts)
Chubfuddler Sun 03-Feb-13 05:07:58

But I've read an awful lot of threads about abusive husbands. And imagining what my thread would look like, imagining your replies, knowing what you would say (because I've read the same threads over and over, and even dished out advice I wasn't ready to take myself) finally gave me the courage to leave.

The DCs and are are crammed in my mums spare room. For a while my life will be a topsy turvey mess but I don't care.

Because no man is ever going to hit me again.

So thank you. From the bottom of my heart.

PurplePidjin Sun 03-Feb-13 05:14:19

Congratulations wine

You have done the right thing, even though it won't feel like it for a while

googietheegg Sun 03-Feb-13 05:30:31

Well done you, you are very strong and setting the right example to your children. Keep going forwards smile

And what a strong message, what an awesome example you've just given your DC for the future about what they are worth fans how they deserve to be treated.

Go you grin!

Congratulations and hugs - you've done a really brave and right thing.

Chubfuddler Sun 03-Feb-13 05:50:07

Thank you. All of you. My op made it sound like I was really sorted and no nonsense and he just hit me so I left him. I wish. It's been going on for years.

If anyone reads this who is where I was a week ago, a year ago, five years ago - you will get support on mn. Please post. Don't be me. Don't be proud.

4amInsomniac Sun 03-Feb-13 05:56:09

Well done! Hold on to that feeling in the tough days that you well have to go through now. Try and remember that few people leaves their husband thinking that they well be much happier immediately; it is only longer term that you feel the benefit.

How wonderful, remember -baby steps now after that HUGE leap into your new life..

All the very best of luck, & a big un-MN hug for you all. grin

MidnightMasquerader Sun 03-Feb-13 06:10:26

Wow - you have done an amazing thing. The rest of your life starts now. smile

CabbageLeaves Sun 03-Feb-13 06:36:21

You brilliant strong woman. It takes courage to leave. Good luck in your future. Life will be chaotic short term but the long term is now filled with hope.

Your children may not understand or appreciate the situation (not sure how old they are) but they will be calmer, happier and better for it in 12months

I hope you get support - you can talk to the police DV unit and just get advice on 'what if' future situations you know.

Chubfuddler Sun 03-Feb-13 06:46:11

Ive done it all properly from that POV (at last). Police were called, he was arrested, cautioned as no previous but it is all recorded. He can't dodge what he did (anymore).

CabbageLeaves Sun 03-Feb-13 06:55:01

<high 5s>

I'm so pleased. Solves a lot of future problems of denial and making out you're making it up etc

cafecito Sun 03-Feb-13 06:58:14

well done chub

really I am so pleased to have read this. I was once a poster on these threads (namechanged)

I finally left, after 6 or 7 years of hell

my life has been chaos for a good year and a half I would say

but I feel alive again inside, I feel strong that I could finally make that leap, and I know DS is safe. The housing chaos, the finances, yes messy messy to start with but none of that compares to the sudden bright sunlight on your horizon, to opening the door to the rest of your life and putting one foot in front of the other- honestly, well done.

You will have dark days, pressure, you may even 'forget' what it was like - but you know deep down you have done the right thing and something that takes an awful lot of bravery, strength, courage to do

cafecito Sun 03-Feb-13 06:59:07

alas I didn't do it properly many times there were arrests and I said 'no no I don't want to make a statement' hmm ridiculous. well done for having your head screwed on

AThingInYourLife Sun 03-Feb-13 07:13:17

Well done you smile

Well done Chub, you have my respect, especially for finding the strength after years, that really does take some courage. Well done.

AllOverIt Sun 03-Feb-13 07:20:00

Yey! This is the start of a whole new life grin

Well done chub! Xx

lemontruffles Sun 03-Feb-13 07:24:30

What you have done chub can only be done by someone with great courage and strength and wisdom, who has huge love for her children, and, ultimately, great respect for herself. These are the strengths that will now see you through the unsettled times ahead into a new, brighter, happier, stronger future for you and your children.

You are an amazing woman.

thanks

TisILeclerc Sun 03-Feb-13 07:33:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

11Plustrauma Sun 03-Feb-13 07:34:10

thanks massive well done

Well done. Making that decision must have been very hard, but you know that it was right. You should feel very proud of yourself smile

QueenofClean Sun 03-Feb-13 07:55:30

Well Done thanks

AbigailAdams Sun 03-Feb-13 08:16:24

Well done Chub. Very brave woman.

Even though you didn't post you still got support from MN. I wonder how many other people lurking and reading have their lightbulb moment and understand and find the courage to leave.

thanks

Snazzynewyear Sun 03-Feb-13 08:19:12

thanks

Chubfuddler Sun 03-Feb-13 08:24:41

I can't even begin to describe the relief. I am fortunate in that I work and have a supportive family, but this is so much less hard than I thought it would be. Compared with living on eggshells this is a fucking breeze.

tribpot Sun 03-Feb-13 08:25:11

Well done you. I think your post title should read 'his problems'. You don't have a problem. You were trained to suffer sustained abuse in silence but you broke the pattern and got out. That's a massive achievement.

Keep going. You can only get stronger from here.

Well done you. I hope things become less topsy turvy soon x

MushroomSoup Sun 03-Feb-13 09:14:20

Wow! You've made me tearful Chub! Bloody well done.

beachyhead Sun 03-Feb-13 09:26:41

Well done Chub. First day of the rest of your lives!brew

SminkoPinko Sun 03-Feb-13 09:30:50

You are amazing. Well done and I hope things continue to get better and better and better.

Well done Chub ! A wee tear from me too.

Yes, what beachy says, the first day of the rest of your lives thanks

You sound very strong already, but I agree again, with trib this time, you can only get stronger from here x

wordyBird Sun 03-Feb-13 09:47:58

Oh Chub, well done you flowers

I hope people reading and wondering, and clinging on, see your words:

I am fortunate in that I work and have a supportive family, but this is so much less hard than I thought it would be. Compared with living on eggshells this is a fucking breeze.

Yes, and everyone's got some resources to draw on ... the most important are your own !

MrsWolowitzerables Sun 03-Feb-13 09:56:38

Congratulation Chub. What an inspirational post!

thanks

ArtemisiaGentileschisThumb Sun 03-Feb-13 10:00:51

You are an inspiration, well done for taking such a positive step for you and your children. I really wish my mum had felt able to take the same step when I was a child, from experience I know that this will make the world of difference to your children's future and your own.
Xxx

MrsDeVere Sun 03-Feb-13 10:06:21

I am so sorry that you have been through so much.
Well done for getting out.
You are strong and brave x

Amazing. Women like you, Chub, are nothing short of amazing.

Welcome to living. As has been said, there will be tough times ahead. Buy there will be an actual life for you and your dcs. And you will be happy and safe.

Amazing. Xxx

scottishmummy Sun 03-Feb-13 10:12:03

clearly you've found your inner resolve and fortitude.well lookey you
sorry you had to endure this,least you're all safe and ok now
will be bit upheaval but you'll get there.good luck first days new life

scarletforya Sun 03-Feb-13 10:22:57

First post I read today and it's made the tears fall! Congratulations Chub and welcome to the rest of your life thanks

Duritzfan Sun 03-Feb-13 10:29:03

What an amazing strong woman you are x
I don't even know you but I'm so proud of you -
Will be thinking of you x

ThePathanKhansWitch Sun 03-Feb-13 10:31:54

Wishing you a bright happy future chub. Well done, I,m sure you,ve just made the best decision of your life.

Enjoy your new life Chub thanks

BerylStreep Sun 03-Feb-13 10:38:51

Well done. Onwards and upwards.

MissAnnersley Sun 03-Feb-13 10:42:52

I want to wish all the very best. Enjoy your freedom, it's the best thing. And when you've been deprived of it as you have it is better still.

Your shoulders will go down and you eyes will go up and you will be yourself again.

thanks for you and your bravery.

BornInACrossFireHurricane Sun 03-Feb-13 10:47:01

MASSIVE well done, I wish you all the best xxx

MerlotAndMe Sun 03-Feb-13 10:47:07

Good for you chubfuddler. i did a long stint at my m&d's house too. i put up with it for years first too though.

Well done!

So pleased to hear that you are getting great support from your family. Stay strong and be proud of yourself.

smile

MerlotAndMe Sun 03-Feb-13 10:50:53

Yes. compared to waljing on eggshells all the time , everything is a breeze. so true.

when u r no longer channelling all energies in to keeping the peace you can finally take two steps forward.

Gotitwrong Sun 03-Feb-13 10:57:18

Hello :-)
Stay strong and focused on you and your children. I was where you are 20 months ago although luckily I stayed in the house.
I am now divorced and free and happy :-)
I don't know how long you had suffered for but like me I suspect too long.
Strong women with kids stay "for the kids" but trust me that's the wrong decision on so many levels and I can see that now!!
You and your children deserve peace, love, harmony and happiness, respect and fun......trust me that will happen :-)
Just dig deep and look forward not backward and your dreams will become a reality - good luck xx

magimedi Sun 03-Feb-13 10:58:33

You are a brave & inspirational woman. Huge congratulations.

CremeEggThief Sun 03-Feb-13 11:01:58

Chub, so pleased you have made that leap. Well done. thanks

Well done you and welcome to your awesome new life. smile

pictish Sun 03-Feb-13 11:11:24

Congratulations!

You have done the right thing. No question.
Very well done, and lots of love. xxx

motherinferior Sun 03-Feb-13 11:22:45

Congratulations grin

EvenBetter Sun 03-Feb-13 11:42:00

Congratulations!
Your children will adore you forever for escaping. I'm a child of a strong, amazing woman who did what you've done and we think of them as heroes in the true sense of the world.
Feel the weight lift off your shoulders!
Money & housing & court issues etc will be nothing now you've got rid of the trash!

Well done you. You and your children deserve so much more than an abusive husband and father.

Good on you Chub thanks great to hear such positive news.

Lueji Sun 03-Feb-13 11:48:36

Congratulations on leaving and calling the police. smile

It is indeed a lot easier. It's just that first step that seems so hard. But the wall crumbles as soon as you push it.

You mentioned about not being proud. I think that's quite right.
Often we stay because we don't want to admit that we chose the wrong person. That our lives aren't perfect. That we are "weak" and not really in control of our lives.
It is ok to ask for support and it's ok to admit to what is wrong in our lives. smile

BTW, "Because no man is ever going to hit me again."
well, another man could hit you again. You can't prevent that. And it won't be your failure.
But, hopefully, you won't let him hit you a second time. That is the key.

Midwife99 Sun 03-Feb-13 11:49:59

Congratulations - I'm so glad you got out & have RL support. You know I'm sure that he will start sending flowers etc to try to get you back but stay strong & MNetters are always here for support. smile

imustbepatient Sun 03-Feb-13 11:50:59

My huge congratulations to you. I know your comment about eggshells will resonate with many many people. I'm sure your words will become a part of someone else's decision to make that same step away from a terrible situation and on to a positive happy future where your life is on your own terms.

Chubfuddler Sun 03-Feb-13 11:54:54

True someone could hit me. But the first time they do will also be the last time.

Lueji Sun 03-Feb-13 11:58:34

I only mentioned it because if it were to happen, it could make you feel worse than with ex, as you might feel that it was your fault in failing to prevent it, or choosing the wrong man again.

Hopefully, you'd put the blame fully on him.

And, hopefully, it won't happen again. Remember the red flags, but just don't go overboard and don't let this put you off men forever. grin

Dryjuice25 Sun 03-Feb-13 12:13:34

Awesome resolve. Very inspirational to others in the same situation.
A bit teary here. Brings memories when ex hit me really badly and I left immediately. Like you I resolved that no man would ever hit me again.

Make sure you recalibrate your twunt radar like Lueji said.
Keep strong. Good luck.

kalidanger Sun 03-Feb-13 12:20:01

Just another voice saying "YES, aren't you great!" and thinking the world is a happier place today thanks

Hullygully Sun 03-Feb-13 12:22:02

<hugs chub>

You are very brave. Well done. It can only get better.

searching4serenity Sun 03-Feb-13 12:22:49

Well done Chub, now you can smile without worrying what's in store for you later, should the OH be in a bad mood.

So glad when ppl successfully leave DV situations & post on MN, hope it inspires someone else to take the kids & leave...

Keep smiling things can only get better from now on! Big hug!

shine0ncrazydiamond Sun 03-Feb-13 13:01:07

Well done. Keep strong and never go back!

pollypandemonium Sun 03-Feb-13 13:04:18

Wow - did this happen last night? How are you and dcs?

thanks

Thumbwitch Sun 03-Feb-13 13:07:00

Well done Chub! winethanks and brew for good measure (as it's a bit early for wine)

It takes a lot of strength to do what you've done - now you can start rebuilding your life and your self-esteem, brilliant! smile

gingerchick Sun 03-Feb-13 13:11:33

Well done Chub congratulations and your new life starts here! It will be the best decision you ever made, believe in yourself because we all believe in you xxx

Sunnywithshowers Sun 03-Feb-13 13:47:58

Well done Chub thanks

AlistairSim Sun 03-Feb-13 14:02:46

Nice one, Chub!

thanks

Skyebluesapphire Sun 03-Feb-13 14:11:56

Well done! I was talking about this in counselling on Friday, not that I have ever been a sufferer of DV, but we were talking about the fear of the future, the fear of the unknown and she said that is the reason why most DV sufferers stay where they are because of the fear of change, the fear of the unknown, how will they manage, money housing etc and also the fear that nobody else will ever want them, because that is usually what they are told. (She also does Victim Support).

She said that once they face up to that fear and realise that the future will be OK, that they will survive and that they will be happy, happier, than they are now, no matter what, then they finally find the courage to leave. Because it does take courage to leave.

All the best for the future. You have made that all important first step into the unknown and you will be fine xx

Turniphead1 Sun 03-Feb-13 14:20:25

winebrewthanks
Well done. Stay strong.

How are you & the DC's today Chub? Hope you all managed to get some rest last night & are feeling OK today.

Hope you are getting spoilt by your parents & can take it a bit easy for a few days while you sort your thoughts out & make lists, I always find a good list helps focus the mind wink

LesBOFerables Mon 04-Feb-13 11:55:48

Brilliant news- you've done yourself proud. thanks

AnyFucker Mon 04-Feb-13 11:56:10

Good on you, chub, and thanks for posting this for others to see x

Chubfuddler Mon 04-Feb-13 13:06:16

We are ok. I'm back at work and they're at school and nursery as usual. Am wading through lists, and lists of lists to make myself feel in control. Am actually finding today tougher than I expected."what did you get up to on your days off" "left my husband" is a bit of a conversation killer.

AnyFucker Mon 04-Feb-13 14:49:08

Chub, you won't be the first and you won't be the last. Hang in there. It will all get sorted eventually and this too shall pass.

Well done for getting everyone back into their routine for Monday including yourself back to work. You are awesome !

Of course not an easy day - but it is going to be so worth it !

What did you do on your days off ? "Watched "Call the midwife" ? - telly's always a good cover and something to say if you don't want to talk about real stuff wink

chubbychipmonk Mon 04-Feb-13 15:08:23

Well done! Make sure you save this thread so that on days to come if you ever have a wobble or wonder that you did the right thing you can remind yourself what a brave thing you did & what a strong person you are!!

You should be proud of yourself! smile

elizadofuckall Mon 04-Feb-13 15:15:42

Well done...your sentence Because no man is ever going to hit me again. brought tears to my eyes. I know how that feels.

Really really well done x

HecateWhoopass Mon 04-Feb-13 15:18:44

Well done for getting out.

I'm sorry that you suffered in silence for so long.

Wishing you a really really really bright future! xx

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Mon 04-Feb-13 15:24:14

Well done chub you are amazing! Trust me, it is a much better life! I always wondered why I cried so much and had bad anxiety. Turns out it was the abuse. When that is gone, your life becomes one hundred times better. Your life becomes your own.

Being able to relax in your home, although it will take time, is amazing! You can do/wear/eat/talk to who ever or whatever you want.

Most importantly your children are safe now, and you have shown them that you do not and should not have to put up with behaviour like this.

I wish you and your family all the best, and it does get easier smile

Oh great, I wondered if your parents were not in your area & therefore you'd have to be finding new work/school/nursery near them.

Keeping the routine the same as much as possible will help all of you I'm sure & the calmer home life, will make things a lot easier in some ways.

withjamin Mon 04-Feb-13 22:19:06

Things like this make so proud of MN and MNetters. You've done a grand thing, brave and strong and full of hope. this first day will probably feel weirder than all the others. Keep going, and good luck.

Tortington Mon 04-Feb-13 22:21:27

you're awesome xx well done

trustissues75 Mon 04-Feb-13 22:22:43

Sending you lots of self-esteem and strength building vibes. You're very brave.

BluelightsAndSirens Mon 04-Feb-13 22:26:33

Compared with living on eggshells this is a fucking breeze

Remember ^ when things feel tough x

Lueji Mon 04-Feb-13 22:35:12

"left my husband" is a bit of a conversation killer.

It depends on how you take it.
With me it ends up being a conversation starter. shock I just use those opportunities as free therapy. grin

TheSamling Mon 04-Feb-13 23:17:57

Well done Chub. It must have taken a great deal of courage. Every step now is a step away from him and towards your future. Don't ever let him make you look back.

chipmonkey Mon 04-Feb-13 23:28:01

Good for you, chub! Onwards and upwards, no limits!

garlicblocks Tue 05-Feb-13 00:32:12

Oh, Chub, this is amazing. I feel a bit soppy! And awestruck - you're doing everything so right, and have even managed to get back to school & work. You must be exhausted.

I'm wishing you good progress, and some dollops of good luck smile

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Tue 05-Feb-13 00:41:29

<<Big Hug>>

You have done the right thing and you will be OK, better than OK - fan-bloody-tastic!!! <in time> but right now it will be one big fucking roller coaster of emotions. This is not what you wanted and no matter how bad things were, you have still lost the dream version you had of your future with your DH.

The advice you gave others was no doubt sound and also helped you to build up the courage to do this.

Stay strong my lovely.

Chubfuddler Tue 05-Feb-13 00:48:19

Thank you so much. I don't feel amazing tbh, I feel like a mug who put up for much too long. I just hope the Dcs haven't been damaged by all this. DD is so little she should be fine but DS is so sensitive.

Plomino Tue 05-Feb-13 00:48:45

Oh well done . In the words of someone I knew who did exactly the same

'That was the first day of the best of my life ' And it was . Really really well done . Many people would give anything to have your courage .

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Tue 05-Feb-13 01:32:22

Chub - don't be down on yourself for not leaving sooner sad You have done it now and that takes great courage!

DS will be affected by what has happened and he will be affected by you leaving now - he will be affected by a million and one things in his life, it's how we grow and are shaped into the people we become. He has learnt that what happened was wrong and that you were strong and did the right thing. He will learn how to treat women with respect & love - not his fists.

GarbledMessage Tue 05-Feb-13 07:39:52

In every abusive relationship i've witnessed or heard of the abuser gives just enough honey to keep his victim trapped, over time the abused needs less and less of the good parts to keep them there because their self esteem (which is often already low because of the crap life has dealt them, these men/women choose their victims wisely) is abused away from them. It takes time then for them to see that actually they ARE in an abusive relationship. You can't beat yourself up about this, the important part of all of it is that you left.

Your DS will remember a mum who had the courage to walk away from a man who was no good for her or her children. That's a powerful message to send to him, that if someone is no good for you, you can walk away to something better. (Especially if you are able to be honest with him about why in time.)

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Tue 05-Feb-13 10:10:48

Chub you are amazing! <stamps foot>

The main thing to focus on is you did get out, and you have therefore provided your DC's with a much more stable and loving future.

mcmooncup Tue 05-Feb-13 10:23:27

Well done Chub, it really is great news smile
I understand you not feeling great.....the realisation of what you've been living like is pretty devastating.
I always thought I was a confident strong person so how could this have happened to me?!?! I just didn't get it.

The only thing 2 years later is that yes I am confident and strong like I thought, I just had NO idea about boundaries with male relationships for many many reasons.....dad relationship, society bullshit pressuring women to put up and shut up....I could go on.
Opening your eyes is unsettling and scary but ultimately it really makes for true happiness and authenticity. Stick with it, educate yourself, talk and NEVER be ashamed grin

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