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what would you do to your husband if he said this ........

(77 Posts)
batmanstinks Sat 02-Feb-13 20:43:56

We were having a conversation last night (after a bottle of wine) about our friends.

We have recently moved and have a new circle of friends so we were assessing them.

One couple is lovely and, out of nowhere, DH said 'X is lovely, I think she might be my ideal woman. If things were different I probably would have married her' shock

I pointed out that this was maybe an inappropriate thing to say and he said 'it's alright, I don't fancy her as much as you'

shock.

I would have been justified in cutting his balls off in the night wouldn't I!

Doha Sat 02-Feb-13 20:46:45

If he was my DH he would be sporting a rather fetching pair of earings right now smile

Chottie Sat 02-Feb-13 20:49:06

I would have been annoyed too! What's wrong with him?

SavoyCabbage Sat 02-Feb-13 20:50:32

Why would he say that! Did he forget who he was talking to? I wouldn't want to see them again a I'd be too embarrassed.

shock
I would have been so hurt.

frustratedworkingmum Sat 02-Feb-13 20:52:42

insensitive twunt, is he TRYING to make things awkward

MrsAlexanderSkarsgard Sat 02-Feb-13 20:53:43

Has he always been an insensitive tit?

batmanstinks Sat 02-Feb-13 20:54:01

I have no idea.

He is useless with women and couldn't have an affair if he tried. He is also a terrible liar. He does have a lot in common with her as she shares an interest of his (which I don't) so I think it was just an extension of 'yes, isn't she nice' and he forgot himself.

I'm a bit hurt though! Not necessarily that he thinks it, but that he didn't have the decency to keep it to himself. sad

Xroads Sat 02-Feb-13 20:55:25

Is he usually an insensitive twat?

If not I'd let it go but keep a wary eye on time spent on their own if he is usually like that I'd make plans to LTB

hth

batmanstinks Sat 02-Feb-13 20:57:16

He's normally very awkward around women (and a little bit terrified).

badtemperedaldbitch Sat 02-Feb-13 20:57:52

Thing is, my dh would say summat like that too, when he'd had a drink. He's not thinking of going anywhere..... Just that he's dead comfortable with me that he COULD say it iyswim

Charliefox Sat 02-Feb-13 20:57:56

I'd be staying in a hotel tonight and seriously rethinking things. I do have extremely high expectations of my OH though and expect to be worshipped and his ideal woman. Not in a high maintenance way but I wouldn't stick around if my OH thought there was someone else out there who was his ideal woman. Otherwise, I'd feel like he was settling for second best in me.

Xroads Sat 02-Feb-13 20:58:16

I suppose you could possibly take it as a compliment, he is honest enough to tell you this, you know he wouldn't ever cheat which is reassuring and even though they have lots in common he still wants you more than her smile

izzyizin Sat 02-Feb-13 20:58:45

Why didn't you point out that 'if things were different' you might have married Johnny Depp (substitute movie star of your choice), or that rather fetching hunk up the road or the one you see on your various travels who looks as if he's well hung a high achiever?

badtemperedaldbitch Sat 02-Feb-13 20:59:22

Ps we have been togethersince 1991 and are still loved up!

batmanstinks Sat 02-Feb-13 20:59:55

I do think he said it out of security more than anything else. He looked a bit bewildered when I minded.

Xroads Sat 02-Feb-13 21:08:04

There you are then smile Awww have a cuddle

GrendelsMum Sat 02-Feb-13 21:12:38

I'd roar with laughter and never let him forget it, I'm afraid. But then my DH said shortly after we met "X is much sexier than you, but I think I'd get bored with her conversation so I've decided to marry you instead."

discrete Sat 02-Feb-13 21:14:10

I wouldn't have minded a bit.

I probably would have teased him a fair bit about it, though.

But then I'm very, very secure in my relationship. I know he adores me.

MrsPnut Sat 02-Feb-13 21:15:47

He sounds like my OH, he makes remarks about getting a Brazilian au pair etc and yet if another woman approached him he'd get scared and run a mile.

I'd be pissed off with him and tell him why but I know that the remarks would have been made through thoughtlessness rather than any real desire to be in a relationship with her.

OneMoreChap Sat 02-Feb-13 21:17:44

batmanstinks

He is useless with women

grin
No he isn't, he convinced you...

MarilynValentine Sat 02-Feb-13 21:38:16

I think that's insensitive to the point of cruelty. You should be his ideal woman, the love of his life.

It was shit of him to say it. Where's his loyalty?!

Sorry.

BerylStreep Sat 02-Feb-13 21:47:08

You were assessing your friends?

IMO that's more shock.

Ugh, that would really upset me. Men can be so stunningly insensitive. I remember an ex saying "if you looked like [horrible girl I hated, who had big tits] I'd marry you" - twat!

And recently, my dp said that he would climb over my head to get to [random pretty actress] - he meant no harm by it and couldn't understand why it hurt my feelings, but I bet if I said it to him about an actor I liked he'd suddenly get it!

Is he in the doghouse?

ThePinkOcelot Sat 02-Feb-13 21:56:25

Wow! I would have went beserk!

MrsMushroom Sat 02-Feb-13 21:57:52

To be honest it wouldn't upset me. I know DH so well that I understand that he would be thinking very literally...not emotionally. Is that possible with your DH?

I'm also rather literal and can take comments others might struggle with.

MrsMushroom Sat 02-Feb-13 21:58:43

And I don't think it's nice to talk of cutting balls off. If a man said "I' cut her tits off" people would be disgusted.

MrsMushroom Sat 02-Feb-13 21:59:02

I'd...not I

catinboots Sat 02-Feb-13 21:59:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

catinboots Sat 02-Feb-13 22:00:17

ER... Wrong thread. Ipad muddle.

Sorry

blushblushblush

marriedinwhite Sat 02-Feb-13 22:06:46

Mine would say something similar. He knows it's stupid; I know it's stupid. The funny thing is now I'm old and knackered he says it less and less. He once came home to tell me he'd sat opposite the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen and she'd taken a call and he knew her name too. The dc were about 5 and 2 at the time. I still talk about he night he came home and told me about that and made me cry. But we laugh about it now. Silly sod but he knows what side his bread is buttered grin

DopamineHit Sat 02-Feb-13 22:10:02

If he was genuinely perplexed it just sounds like incompetence. However...

"He's normally very awkward around women", "He is useless with women" also (implied) "I don't share his interests". He is also capable of saying crass things. May I ask why you married him?

Mimishimi Sat 02-Feb-13 22:13:19

Ideally, I would have said "Really? If I had my time again, I think I would have gone for someone more like xyz ( pick person who your DHis most likely to feel insecure about - nerdy guy if he feels insecure about his intelligence, guy with great abs if he's insecure about his physique etc)

In reality, I would have been so gobsmacked by his insensitivity I probably would have made some excuse soon after to go to the loo and have a little cry blush

Smellslikecatspee Sat 02-Feb-13 22:15:39

When I read your OP I thought really, be upset by that? He was just musing. Sounds like something OH would say, though he get an WHAT? From me rather a ' maybe an inappropriate thing to say'

Something OH would say and then be all WTF when I did my WHAT? and then go but you know I love you.

But reading some of the comments made by others. . ..

In my case I know that OHloves me and that on occasion he says things that to an outsider would seem crass, but once I point it out he's shocked and horrified, and never makes the same mistake again.

Some of the comments above seem designed to hurt.
OH would be disgusted with himself if a random comment hurt me.

To me it isn't the comment per say, it would be the intent behind it.

I'm not sure I'm explaining this properly, sorry

batmanstinks Sat 02-Feb-13 23:13:57

I admit that 'assessing our friends' sounds bad.

It wasn't really like that (honest). We were talking about friends who we would naturally be friends with anyway, and friends who we like but probably wouldn't hang out with if we didn't have children of the same age.

This person clearly fell into the first camp!

Startail Sat 02-Feb-13 23:30:03

I guess DH and I have always had conversations like that, so I wouldn't have thought much at all.

greencolorpack Sat 02-Feb-13 23:32:58

It's a bit insensitive but not a hanging offence. dh and I are quite honest about fancying people... We both know not to do anything about it. Who doesn't get a crush now and then??.

batmanstinks Sun 03-Feb-13 10:36:24

I suppose so. I shall think no more about it.

But he's definitely sitting next to someone else next time.

You're not married to Tim Minchin are you?

batmanstinks Sun 03-Feb-13 10:54:22

I do love that song.

I asked DH at the time where I fell within the bell curve. wink

BerylStreep Sun 03-Feb-13 13:28:05

Hahaha. Tim Minchin is fair funny.

Startail Sun 03-Feb-13 17:19:01

grin That song sums it up perfectly.

I met DH at 20, he was My second real BF and the only person I have ever slept with.

Of course I might have gone on to meet someone else it might have worked with. But, 25 years later, this is still more than good enough.

batmanstinks Sun 03-Feb-13 18:54:13

Stairtail, me too.

Maybe I need to start compiling a list of my own!

Hellesbelles2 Sun 03-Feb-13 19:09:42

My DH used to say when we first got together that on paper he should have been with my sister as they had so much in common. much more than me and him who are total opposites however it's me he fancies.

Admittedly he never said he fancied her just that if you were to match make a couple you'd put them together. It's never ever bothered me as I knew it was me he loved and fancied and a sign of being secure in our relationship. Maybe that's similar to your DH's comments?

Saski Mon 04-Feb-13 10:48:59

I'd be devastated!

My husband was really not over someone when we first started dating, and this gave rise to a fair few clumsy statements. It's not nice to hear.

Ragwort Mon 04-Feb-13 10:55:45

I'd laugh it off, I am amazed at the sensitivity of some mumsnetters. I'd be more worried about a husband who never said 'X is attractive/a great cook/would be a lovely wife' etc etc.

Do you never secretly think that someone else might have made a 'better' DH for you grin ?

DH & I often 'joke' that I would have been better off marrying someone who was good at DIY.

But I have been married a long time and perhaps am not so 'intense' about my marriage as I used to be grin.

lottiegarbanzo Mon 04-Feb-13 14:43:17

I just love the idea that he could have decided he wished to marry her and thus, it would have come to pass. From what you say, I bet that hasn't been his real experience of persuading people to be his girlfriend!

So, I'd see it as a silly fantasy speculation, not that far off from you and Johnny Depp really - after all, you'd only have had to meet him and say 'hey Johnny. Know what? You and me, ok?'.

Of course if you really think he's lusting after her, or, more importantly, feels any differently about you than he did, that's different.

MechanicalTheatre Mon 04-Feb-13 14:47:57

Holy shit.

Me and my partner met at work. We weren't properly together, but had had a few snogs. One a work night out, everyone started drunkenly discussing their top three people they fancied at work (mature).

Partner:
1. Joan
2. Mechanical
3...

I was RAGING.

AThingInYourLife Mon 04-Feb-13 15:01:17

"I'd be more worried about a husband who never said 'X is attractive/a great cook/would be a lovely wife' etc etc."

Why? confused

What's so worrying about that?

I never go on to my husband about other men I wish I'd married.

Because I don't wish I'd married someone else. I'm still glad every day that I married him.

He's my ideal man.

Does that mean our marriage is doomed?

MechanicalTheatre Mon 04-Feb-13 15:10:34

Yes, athing, you're fucked.

LTB. How dare he never tell you who he'd rather married?

beachyhead Mon 04-Feb-13 15:18:17

We used to make great plans about who dh should marry if I fell off the face of the earth...We chose a great friends little sister, but then she came out as gay (so that was the end of that plan!)

Wouldn't bother me at all, he lives here after all...

HecateWhoopass Mon 04-Feb-13 15:20:28

Someone else is his ideal woman?

Meaning you aren't?

I'd have cried, tbh. Just burst into tears there and then. blush

batmanstinks Mon 04-Feb-13 15:23:28

Well I told DH last night that I was still upset about it and he was a bit bewildered to say the least.

My point was that I don't need lavish gifts or grand romantic gestures but I at least need to feel like the best option within a one mile radius.

There's either no such thing as his ideal woman, it's Beyonce or it's me. No other options are acceptable.

He looked confused grin

BerylStreep Mon 04-Feb-13 16:34:26

but I at least need to feel like the best option within a one mile radius

grin

batmanstinks Tue 05-Feb-13 11:08:34

Hmm, mistakenly told a mutual friend this morning what he'd said and she then went into detail about why this friend was so amazing and how she was probably every man's ideal woman and that's certainly why she has such an amazing husband.

I'll be over here, weeping gently in the corner hmm

AbsintheMinded Tue 05-Feb-13 11:20:44

I'd be gutted if my DH said that. I wouldn't hurt want to him by ogling friends and would expect him to have more respect for me and not trample on my confidence and feelings like that.

Did you tell your friend first that you were hurt by it?

batmanstinks Tue 05-Feb-13 11:22:06

I think it was her way of making me feel better confused

lottiegarbanzo Tue 05-Feb-13 11:25:46

Is her husband that amazing? Have you thought of listing the ways in which he is, to your DH? (or of any other desirable male acquiantance)?

You are in a position to make the point that for all the marvellous attributes these other men have, you chose him, because he is amazing in his own ways and the best and most amazing person for you. (Of course you can string out the comparisons first, to give him the opportunity to comprehend this from your perspective).

If he doesn't get that and reciprocate, or genuinely feels that you were just the closest thing to ok he could persuade to go out with him, then he's a bigger fool than you thought, which isn't helpful, I know.

batmanstinks Tue 05-Feb-13 11:29:56

Her husband is quite great.

I told DH that he is far from the perfect husband, even compared to her DH, but I have always thought he was perfect for me.

I'm hurt that he would flippantly say that someone we know was perfect for him.

He doesn't understand, says it came out wrong, that he didn't mean it etc.

4 days later, he thinks I'm making a mountain over a molehill and completely overreacting.

She probably does really stinky shits though, and has to seriously air the bathroom for a long time afterwards though. Just saying...

Ionasky Tue 05-Feb-13 11:36:18

yeah i think the comment reveals a bit of immaturity on dh's part - he doesn't really know the other woman, who knows what her non-public behaviour is like? He surely doesn't. Saying she's his ideal woman is naive, it's the sort of thing that might be credible to hear from someone 6 months into living with someone, if they're lucky. It would upset me, i don't think you are being unreasonable to be upset. You should let it go though, he's not going to react any different other than pretend he didn't know how hurtful he was being.

lottiegarbanzo Tue 05-Feb-13 12:06:45

Have you pointed out that he might not see him as her ideal man and that he's very lucky to have found you?

I suspect he knows that and sees her as a hypothetical / fantasy 'perfect wife', so really isn't interested in the details or practicalities. She might as well be Audrey Hepburn, he probably knows the idea is similarly unreal.

lottiegarbanzo Tue 05-Feb-13 12:07:12

That's She might not see him as ideal!

AThingInYourLife Tue 05-Feb-13 12:17:37

I do really stinky shits.

But my husband still thinks I'm perfect for him.

I don't see why he's so bewildered.

He just told you that he thinks he would have had a happier life if he had met another woman he fancies before he shackled himself to you.

Are you supposed to be grateful that you got their first and bagged him before someone better did?

batmanstinks Tue 05-Feb-13 13:06:38

Oh I don't know. I've surprised myself by how upset it has made me. I keep telling myself that I'm being silly and should just laugh it off but I can't.

She doesn't actually bother me at all and I'm not jealous, which is odd.

I think the issue is that there a probably a lot of men who are on paper 'better' than DH. Either they are more helpful, richer,more attentive, better at DIY etc, However I can honestly say that I have NEVER thought that I would be rather be married to them or thought that anybody else was more 'ideal'

I think I feel a bit of an idiot hmm

SorryMyLollipop Tue 05-Feb-13 13:06:38

Could your DH possibly be on the autistic spectrum? My STBXH used to come out with stuff like this and be totally bemused by my reaction, turns out he has Aspergers Syndrome.

If your DH doesn't understand what he said wrong, it could be a possibility.

AThingInYourLife Tue 05-Feb-13 13:30:12

You're allowed to be hurt when someone says something hurtful.

I don't think expecting to be your husband's preferred life partner is really all that much to ask.

Some people are obviously happy in relationships where the story they tell each other is one about being happy with someone despite the fact that you would prefer to be with someone else.

That's not what I want. And it doesn't appear to be what you want either.

The fact that he isn't even attempting to understand why he has upset you so much is not great.

It's as though he never even believed you should consider yourself to be his favourite. Just the best he could manage at the time.

MarilynValentine Tue 05-Feb-13 13:48:30

He's bewildered - that irritates me on your behalf. Is as if his reaction states: 'poor little me! My irrational wife is having a go at me! Doesn't she realise I am entitled to say whatever I like? I was just being honest.'

I think he should he saying something along the lines of, "I'm an idiot, you're my ideal woman, the love of my life and I have never wanted to be with anyone else'. He should be grovelling. He's hurt you.

It's not much to ask that your DH loves and admires you above acquaintances etc.

As for your friend - sounds like the woman makes her feel insecure. She said the wrong thing too you are surrounded by eejits

Is this situation making you reflect on your relationship entire? Is he usually more sensitive?

batmanstinks Tue 05-Feb-13 14:11:25

I think it would be melodramatic to say it's making me question my entire relationship. But no, he isn't known for being sensitive, never has been.

But it is making me feel shit.

I can't explain why it's upset me as much as it has. I do believe him when he said he didn't really mean it / it came out wrong.

batmanstinks Tue 05-Feb-13 14:17:30

I just feel that I spend more time saying 'that's OK, I don't mind' than 'Wow you're the greatest husband in the world'.

I thought it was because I was being shallow or spoilt but actually this isn't a case of either.

I don't think your friend helped. She should have been taking the stinky shit stance. Or pointed out the one thing that was wrong with little ms perfect (c'mon, there must be something...) then you could have just had a good laugh and you'd feel better. Your H should be grovelling. Tell him you wish you'd married someone who had a massive dick instead of someone who IS one.

JockTamsonsBairns Tue 05-Feb-13 14:41:08

A lot of it is about context, isn't it? On a couple of occasions, my Dh and I have mentioned to each other that so-and-so is nice looking and, to me, that's absolutely fine - it's stating fact, really.

Also, I have a long-standing male friend who I don't see very often now but, when I do, it's lovely - we go out together and sit up til all hours catching up. Dh and I have joked that it's the friend and I who should've married, we get on so well together.

I do think though, that if Dh had made a comment to me about another woman along the lines of she was his perfect woman, and he wished he'd met her before me so that he'd have a chance of being married to her - I'd find that hurtful and disrespectful, and I'd find it hard to shrug off.

batmanstinks Tue 05-Feb-13 15:05:01

To be fair to him, he didn't say he'd rather be married to her, but he could be if he hadn't met me.

Midwife99 Tue 05-Feb-13 15:16:57

He hasn't got Aspergers has he? Unable to understand other people's feelings?! If my DH said that I would probably feel like you & become extremely childish & petulant about it. Apart from anything else how on earth does he expect there not to be an awkwardness during any future meetings with the "golden couple"?!!

LemonDrizzled Tue 05-Feb-13 15:18:31

batman could it perhaps be that in a tiny corner of your soul you have some reservations about your DH and although you are happy being married to him and wouldn't swap him for a more useful model, when he says something so crass instead of appreciating you for your loyalty and devotion, it takes your thoughts into a place you don't want to go. That is, could there perhaps be someone better suited to you, or better suited to him, and if we only have one life is this all there is?? etc etc

LemonDrizzled Tue 05-Feb-13 15:55:42

He has opened Pandora's box and started a conversation you don't want that might result in something devastating. I think that is what I mean!

batmanstinks Tue 05-Feb-13 16:12:53

Lemon, now that really does sound melodramatic shock

I do really love him, and don't have any doubts that I should have married someone else or that I shouldn't have married him at all.

But it is wrapped up in a bigger issue lately. we used to have lots of shared interests and things in common. Now that we have got older one of DH's interests in particular has become a much bigger part of his life, and I feel to the exclusion of me and, to some extent the DCs.

It has caused a lot of resentment on my part over the last couple of months and quite a few rows.

I suppose it's the sudden realisation that maybe I'm not actually SUPPOSED to resent it so much. Maybe he should be with someone who doesn't feel as excluded as I do.

And that he has actually been the one to say it.

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