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Ummm...confused.com!

(45 Posts)
ObscuredByClouds Sat 02-Feb-13 01:33:51

Hi all,
Is there any reason you can think of as to why someone would start a row in front of DCs when things between us had been going great? I'd been having time off work to stave off an oncoming migraine but other than that we had been getting on great, tons of love and affection. He told me I was acting and didn't believe me, that I don't get migraines as he knows what they're like and I only get 'bad headaches'. This really upset me and he laughed and said, go on, cry then. This came from nothing. We had been snuggling on sofa and there hadn't been a cross word between us.
Tonight he brought home chocs 'for no reason' and went to bed early. He was blocked up and after an hour of him snuffling I turned the light on to ask him to blow his nose and he lost it. I'm selfish, needy, thick...you name it. I tried to reason with him but he keeps referring to our last six years together and refuses to acknowledge what angst he's causing currently. This has now culminated in him leaving the house with the underlying threat to end the marriage. I'm really confused!

Reaa Sat 02-Feb-13 01:51:41

The first thought that came in to my head is he is feeling guilty of what I don't know but the starting arguments over nothing and the sudden gift all point to the guilt direction. But this is just what I think.

To be honest he sounds like a petulant child having a tantrum. However, trying to find a possible reason...

Is he worried about money at the moment and therefore about the impact your time off work will have on the finances? (Even if this is the case he's still being ridiculous to storm off rather than discuss this rationally.)

Picking fights - trying to provoke you into saying something vile to him so he feels better about his outbursts.

Veiled threats to end marriage - wants you to either start begging, pleading and massaging his ego or to agree so he can leave guilt-free.

Any way I look at it he appears to be a twat. What is he like usually? Does he share house and children responsibilities willingly and without complaint? Do you usually feel able to speak freely with him, not "walking on eggshells" or trying to calm his mood? In other words, is this genuinely out of character or a sudden progression from previous less-twatty-but-twatty-nontheless behaviour?

He sounds like a dick, and it also sounds like the 'getting on great' is a rare occurrence, ie it's part of a traditional abuse cycle.

ObscuredByClouds Sat 02-Feb-13 01:58:46

Thanks for the replies. He's behaved like this previously but not for quite a while and as I said things have been better than ever for ages. We had literally been cuddling and saying how much we wanted each other not 5 minutes before his outburst 2 nights ago. He's sent texts with lots of kisses today which admittedly I didn't reciprocate but I'm just so bloody wary and confused.
I often don't feel I can talk openly but that seems to have improved lately. He has threatened to leave us many times.
My being off work for 2 days will not have any financial implications.
We had all our friends to stay at the weekend and had such a great time. I really don't know what is going on.

ObscuredByClouds Sat 02-Feb-13 02:03:48

Oh, I do most of the housework, all the cooking but I get home before him. He dropped a day at work a while back due to his health but we are managing. He cares for his elderly parents a lot when not working.
No real child care issues as they are older but I guess I'm the main carer as such.

"I often don't feel I can talk openly but that seems to have improved lately" - THIS is why he's done it. You're getting too comfortable again, starting to feel free to express yourself so he's done this to put you back in your place, being wary about what you say / do so you don't upset him. Storming off tonight and threatening (again) to end the marriage is because you didn't respond to his kissy texts as he thinks you should. He's trying to teach you a lesson.

Personally, the lesson I think you should learn from this is that he hasn't changed. He is showing you who he is and that person is a controlling twat who feels no compunction about starting a fight over nothing in front of his children, just to put you on your toes again, dancing to his tune.

Perhaps he's also run out of "Mr Nice Guy" energy after having spent all weekend performing the role for your friends.

Call his bluff - tell him you'll be seeking legal advice on Monday. Whilst you're waiting for the fucker to come back try to grab any financial documents and scan / photograph them as I guarantee that if you do decide to end the marriage, he won't play fair with a divorce.
(NB. Legal Aid for divorces ends in April so you'll need to get the ball rolling before then in order to continue to receive Legal Aid.)

ObscuredByClouds Sat 02-Feb-13 02:15:08

You may have a point. But I just cannot get my head round it. When I ask him to pinpoint what lit his touch paper the other night he just tells me i will be we understand so refers no point?!?
House etc in my name only so don't think he'd get anything. DCs aren't his.
I did ask him to leave once before but he came back a day later as his health had deteriorated. I let him back on the understanding it was temporary and things have been on the whole better since then. But now they are not.

ObscuredByClouds Sat 02-Feb-13 02:15:54

Aldi doubt I'm entitled to legal aid as I work.

ObscuredByClouds Sat 02-Feb-13 02:17:59

Also, not aldi. Stupid phone...

You're not meant to get your head round it. He wants you to spend your time second guessing him so that you don't have a moment of clarity and kick him out.

If your children were in relationships like this, would you advise them to end it? If it isn't good enough for your children then it isn't good enough for you to live in or for them to live with.

The house is yours, the children are yours so any split could be final. Get the locks changed now and let him return from his tantrum to find his things bagged up on the doorstep. Enough is enough. Life's too short.

Don't let his mind games and amazingly fortunate timing of ill health trap you

ObscuredByClouds Sat 02-Feb-13 02:45:16

He's back already! On the sofa though. Will have to just deal with the atmosphere until dsd goes home Sunday evening although tbh I'm losing the will to talk it through with him. It won't get resolved and it'll all be my fault.
We are meant to be having a family day out in Sunday and really font want to let the kids down. It's so rare his dd stays for a full weekend and we were all looking forward to it sad
I think it's time I grew (another) backbone isn't it?

badinage Sat 02-Feb-13 02:45:33

This is just a big cock-waving power trip and you fall for it every time.

Someone who keeps leaving, threatening to leave and then being let back into the relationship is just going to keep doing it to exact power and reassert who is the boss in the relationship.

My hunch is that every time he does this, he engineers a row out of nowhere because he's planned to be somewhere else. I'd be thinking of an affair, escorts or hook-ups he's met on a dating site.

ObscuredByClouds Sat 02-Feb-13 02:50:32

While I can see where you're coming from I'm not convinced there's an OW etc although I could be wrong. Mainly because he comes back too quickly and he's only ever left once before. He gets lots of freedom but chooses not to use it overly. I dunno, I'd be surprised. I just think he's an arse.

While you're dealing with the atmosphere and growing another backbone, start to research good local divorce solicitors and get some advice from the legal board here so at least you feel you're making some preliminary "get out of dysfunctional marriage" plans, even if you don't use them this time. And try to get angry in your head at him. The anger will propell you into action. Start by thinking about who does most of the making up after his threats to end the marriage. My money's on you. You could also list all of the times you remember him having a go at you for no reason, and maybe adding whether or not you did the majority of the repair work after each of those occasions.

ObscuredByClouds Sat 02-Feb-13 02:55:12

Plus he didn't leave the night of the row... That was 2 nights ago. Tonight happened because I turned the light on at 1am to ask him to blow his noise following an hour of runny nosed snuffling.

My gut says arsey selfish twat rather than cheating scumbag. Either way, what's worth keeping?

ObscuredByClouds Sat 02-Feb-13 02:58:04

Will take a look at the legal boards, thank you.
I do feel angry but currently I feel mostly bewildered.
Reading back my post about tonight's incident it just sounds so stupid.

ObscuredByClouds Sat 02-Feb-13 02:59:04

X post..my gut says the same as yours toddler

badinage Sat 02-Feb-13 03:00:01

Right, be honest here.

If you found out that he was seeing other women, would that convince you to throw out his sorry arse on the pavement?

Have you ever had any suspicions that he's up to something like that and snooped?

This bloke sounds like such a monumental abusive fuckwit that I'd be bloody amazed if he hadn't been putting it about - and if that's what it takes to get you a backbone then go searching. Whether he is or isn't doesn't matter though. He needs to get the fuck out and you need to stop letting him come back. He doesn't respect you.

ObscuredByClouds Sat 02-Feb-13 03:03:11

Never suspected him and he's open with all his emails/fb etc. truly in my heart of hearts I really don't think he's cheated at all.
But that isn't the point. He's still treating me badly.

You're bewildered because you, as a logical person, are trying to understand a seemingly illogical event.

He doesn't think like you, like a normal kind person does. He's trying to mess with your head and he's succeeding.

When you stop trying to make sense of things and accept that it is all calculated to wrong foot you, you'll be able to start to get angry and get rid!

How would you feel if you did discover an affair? I suspect you may feel relief.

You don't need to be hit, cheated on, stolen from or sexually assaulted in order to have a reason to end a marriage. Being unhappy and unwilling to tolerate an arsey knob of a husband is enough.

ObscuredByClouds Sat 02-Feb-13 03:18:22

How would I feel? It's a deal breaker for me, 100%. But I'd also feel surprised. And amazed considering his health!
It would certainly be the impetus to finish it.

badinage Sat 02-Feb-13 03:22:50

But why would it take that? Isn't all the rest of it enough reason to end it?

But if that's what it takes with you, get snooping. I reckon you'll find something.

In the unlikely event that you don't, please don't put up with this a moment longer.

ObscuredByClouds Sat 02-Feb-13 03:26:12

I don't think it will only take the discovery of an affair to end it. I'm fairly certain he will say he's ending it anyway on Sunday (he did tonight !) so I guess I should really just shrug and say ok, go.

You don't need an impetus, an excuse.

You don't need to justify a divorce in terms you think others will accept

It is enough that you're unhappy

Don't let his ill health become a reason you can't divorce him. "In sickness and in health" only counts if he's not a manipulative knob, and if he'd support you through ill health as well as you've been supporting him.

If you think you want to end it try to give yourself a deadline for having kicked him out, or for a final chance. Don't tell him this. Having a date in mind will help to ensure you don't drift. You can spend time making plans, daydreaming about life without the atmosphere he creates, start laying foundations for single life (night classes or an activity if you're worried about being lonely)

Whether you remain in the marriage or not just remember you have a right to respect and consideration.

X post. Call his bluff on Sunday then. Let that be your impetus.

This time change the locks, go no contact. Keep your distance from him, regardless of his health condition, until you've had some time and space to build your resolve to divorce him.

You deserve better.

DD finally seems to have settled so I'm off to sleep. Hope you're okay Obscured.

ObscuredByClouds Sat 02-Feb-13 03:35:01

Thank you toddler, you've been really kind x

FrancyMgo Sat 02-Feb-13 03:38:18

You seem to have an incredibly logical head. One thing you must never do is question YOU. The very fact that you are taking time to put logic to it tells me that you are in the wrong relationship. Try to give yourself calm time and space to make the right decision.

FrancyMgo Sat 02-Feb-13 03:40:18

I understand your situation all too well, really do x

ObscuredByClouds Sat 02-Feb-13 03:44:18

How do you mean francey? H tells me I'm thick and never listen or understand. I know I'm not but it's interesting you say I'm bring logical. Could you be more specific so I can get my head round this?
Sorry if you've been through similar.

FrancyMgo Sat 02-Feb-13 03:55:10

You are not thick. You seem to truly understand what he's doing here. Tell me, how many times have you tried to make sense of his actions? Too many I bet. I know because I do the same.
You are trying to put logic to his (totally irrational) behaviour. Why? Because you need to make it make sense to you. Does it? Of course not, then the more you try to work it out it chips away at your own sanity. You question yourself and that's not good. Not for you of you DCs.
Does he feel like a time bomb? Are you on edge all the time?

ObscuredByClouds Sat 02-Feb-13 04:02:16

I try to make sense of it all the time but know I never will. Thecwaybhe turns it found into be each time is beginning to get to me. I've pointed out to him that I know I haven't done anything but he laughs and keeps saying sarcastically that im perfect etc, that it's just him. Massive sarcasm there from him. I know I'm not perfect but his reactions are frankly bizarre.
On edge a lot, yes.

ObscuredByClouds Sat 02-Feb-13 04:03:02

*the way he turns it round onto me

Hate this phone!

FrancyMgo Sat 02-Feb-13 04:12:57

I understand EXACTLY its the same for me.
Flies off the handle at drop of a hat, no logic to it at all. Sorry if my replies are stunted but I too am on phone lying next to him at mo.
I question myself too, or did, not anymore. If it weren't for the effect of his behaviour (occasionally) seen by DCs I think I'd just smile to myself and laugh at his nuttiness because it is actually amazing and laughable! But the worry is the children and how/if they are picking up on this. What do you think? Are you DCs ever witness to his flare ups?

DD up again for another feed!

Him turning it all around on you is called gaslighting. Making you doubt yourself, doubt the real version of events. All designed to keep you in your place, dancing to his tune and even asking him which steps to perform.

Stop trying to understand why he does these things. It is enough to know that he behaves this way and that it is an unacceptable way to live.

FrancyMgo Sat 02-Feb-13 04:19:31

Whether you like the term or not Obscured, you are being emotionally abused in a sense. To be on edge, like me, anxious of his moods/behaviour isn't right is it? Can you remember a time in your life without him? With someone else who perhaps let you breathe/be yourself? If you can then remember that time and remember that you have every right to feel that way EVERY bloody day, ok we all have ups, downs and off days but you shouldn't have to get used to systematically feeling like hell on earth. Pretty soon you won't expect anything else. You and your DCs deserve better Obscured..

FrancyMgo Sat 02-Feb-13 04:22:00

Baking..you are totally right!! Absolutely. X

FrancyMgo Sat 02-Feb-13 04:35:33

Obscured, I have to go now but you can Private message if you want to chat. Please listen to BakingWithToddler also, she's bang on 😉there are people out there that can help and share xxxx

ObscuredByClouds Sat 02-Feb-13 08:09:34

Thank you both. He's gone to work, I'm off to my parents today- wish I didn't have to come back but I have to.
Still acting like it's all my fault, he's the wronged party. I hate how he makes me feel.
It's my birthday next week: happy birthday me sad

ObscuredByClouds Sat 02-Feb-13 09:06:22

Ok, nothing untoward on emails/phone etc
He's still maintaining it is because he feels he has an extra child to care for (me)? And that nothing has changed since our last big talk (everything was fine...for ages!) So now I'm more confused than ever!

Sorry Obscured, been offline for a couple of days.

He's gaslighting again. Turning his issues onto you.

You don't understand his actions because you are a nice person who doesn't seek to control or demean others.
He is not a nice person. He means to control and demean you. To do so he keeps going through this cycle of nice then nasty then making you feel responsible for the nastiness so you work harder to please him, letting go of yourself, your peace of mind, as you dance to his tune.

You are a strong and capable woman. You have your own home which your instincts were clever enough to keep in your name. Your children are not his. This could be a clean break with no contact afterwards. What is keeping you in this relationship? What do you gain from it? What does he do to make you feel secure and happy?

If you struggle to answer those questions that in itself should tell you what you need to do

Obscured how are things? Hope you're ok.

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